Well, it's better than radio silence. And I get to look at your sig and go "wtf mate?" again.
You sound like you need more crotch grabbing in your life. I'm still heavily considering Meryl's ass wiggle for a new sig/av, being that MGS1 is the only one of those comics not represented on the forums (to the best of my knowledge). I'm rather attached my current one, though.
And come one, MoC, you've just started into the depressing stretch of the game. We need to have our hearts crushed and eventually remolded.
Update 19: It's Called Alexandria For A Reason
Good news! It's an update!
Bad news! This update is 50% card games and Active Time Events and 50% cutscenes!
A bit of a trek outside Treno...
A number of treasure chests here, and a hidden Stellazio! Score.
Oh good lord what did I stumble upon
"Gamefaqs."
So Vivi tells us that he used to live here, with his grandfather. How did he end up here?
Oh, right, he was a Qu. How do you say 'Qu' anyway? Kwoo?
This seems like a reasonable thing to do.
Also, reasonable!
Just go with it.
Vivi says he may have fallen off a cargo ship. Really, it's either that or he's actually some sort of Mist-fish. Which do you prefer?
Bowie's as weirded out as we are. Let's go back to Treno.
Well, a quick jog over to Dali first...
"How'd you know this was here, Bowie?"
"Gamefaqs, little buddy."
It's this and some sort of key item that you can only get during this time right now. Remember the windmill? It's stopped, but only for the time that we're at Treno. You can get some coffee to give to the coffee drinking old man for some useless item. I'm not really sure why I want it.
BUT I DO
30,000 gold was worth coming out here though.
Okay, NOW back to Treno. We have a children's card game to play!
This game sucks and I hate it. Good penguin sir, please tell me what those stupid words on the card mean though.
Oh fuck you and this game.
Say what you want about FF8 (I'll probably agree with them if they're mostly negative!) but Triple Triad was a badass card game. I even bought a bunch of real cards on eBay years ago.
Well how can we not play now?
First game won. Woo.
Jesus Christ, there's like 560 different ATEs during this time. I'm putting them in their own section because, goddamn.
Vivi: "This place hasn't changed... This is where I fell... I was
starring at something down there. Grandpa helped me... I
haven't liked heights ever since. Wow... Dusty... I guess
that's natural. It's been a long time since I left..."
[He looks at the utensils on the table.]
Vivi: "Grandpa didn't eat anything towards the end... His cooking
tools are badly damaged now. Oh yeah, he said something
like... 'Vivi! I learn art of fulfilment without eating food!'
...... You know, Quina looks so much like my Grandpa."
---
Moe: "I thought you'd be the quiet type..."
Ratchel: "Sorry. Maybe I've changed. It's probably his influence."
Moe: "Bowie, huh...? So... Did you find what you were looking
for?"
Ratchel: "Well, I've been investigating Kuja... Some people seem to
think that King, the owner of this mansion, is Kuja. True,
I found people who witnessed Kuja on this property. But
there is no proof that Kuja is Lord King."
Moe: "Hmph."
Ratchel: "...What do you know?"
Moe: "Nothing, really..."
Ratchel: "Maybe I can find out the truth from the mansion's
auctioneer..."
Moe: "Don't hold your breath."
Ratchel: "So, what's your story? You seem to know your way around.
Are you also here for a reason?"
Moe: "Who, me? I'm only an unemployed security guard."
Ratchel: "Security guard?"
Moe: "It was painfully dull...until the day he showed up."
Ratchel: "?"
Moe: "...I've said too much."
Ratchel: "Hey, wait!"
Moe: "What, you're interested in hearing about my past?"
Ratchel: "Your past, huh...? Of course I'm interested."
---
Ratchel: "Who is 'he'?"
Moe: "...Bowie."
Ratchel: "I thought the two of you just met!"
Moe: "I don't think he remembers. I was working as a security
guard at this mansion... I was looking for a fight... It
didn't matter who, as long as he was strong..."
[Flashback time!]
Voice: "THIEF!!!"
[A young(er) Bowie runs out of a door.]
Bowie: "That was too easy! Wh-who are you?"
[...he says when Moe blocks his exit.]
Moe: "You look like a worthy opponent..."
Bowie: "Hmph. So you're the King family's infamous new security
guard, huh?"
Moe: "What if I am? Hasn't got me any action yet. Come on,
fight me."
Bowie: "Hmph. So you're just a thug."
Moe: "What did you call me!?"
Bowie: "My favorite kind! I'll knock you out in one minute, flat!
Moe: "Don't disappoint me."
Voice: "Where did that thief go!?"
[Two guards run out.]
Bowie: "Hee hee... Here they come."
Moe: "I won't let them interfere... Come on!"
Bowie: "Don't be silly. The game's over!"
Moe: "What!?
[Bowie runs to the guards.]
Moe: "!?"
Bowie: "H-Help! He came out of that door as I was passing by! I
was staring at him 'cause I thought he might be a burglar,
then he started pummeling me!"
Guard: "But he's a guard for this mansion..."
Bowie: "That's why he's suspicious! Just look at him!"
Guard 2: "W-We always had our suspicions, but..."
Bowie: "I'm gonna call the police! You guys hold him off until
they get here!"
[Bowie starts to run away, but drops a piece of advice en route.]
Bowie: "(I'll tell you one thing... The truly mighty ones don't
flaunt their power. How can I describe it to you? The sly
eagle hides its claws.)"
Moe: "Hmph..."
Bowie: "(I'm outta here! Buh-bye!)"
[Bowie bolts.]
Guard: "W-We've got you now!"
Moe: "...Yeah, right."
Guard 2: "H-Hey!"
Guard: "Don't run away!"
[Moe doesn't run; he strolls away. The flashback ends.]
Ratchel: "S-So, you..."
Moe: "I became a wanted man..."
Ratchel: "Ha... Ha ha ha...!"
Moe: "What's so funny?"
Ratchel: "Sorry. I just didn't expect you to fall for such a
childish trick..."
Moe: "...It's no concern of yours."
Ratchel: "I'm sorry. I see, so that's what happened."
Moe: "Don't get me wrong. I don't hold a grudge against him.
But I need to understand him... He doesn't flaunt his
power. He only cares about being with his friends..."
Ratchel: "You were destined to meet each other again. 'Two men
walking on the same path are destined to confront each
other one day.' That's what a man told me some time ago...
Honesty is a virtue. That's if you can manage to stay
alive..."
[Ratchel walks away.]
---
Okay, last one. Whew.
Oh, goddammit. There's one with No, and he's hungry, and he jumps into the river. Okay? Fine.
There. Last one. Let's mo-
SON OF A BITCH
No, no, we're not doing this. Pants has crystals, Shiny also has crystals, something about 500 years ago, and Mog (Pant's moogle) senses something bad happening. There. Okay? Can we go on with the crappy card game?
Yes. Yes we can.
I forgot to get a screenshot but whatever, there was a second guy and I beat him (after a few tries).
The champion strolls up, and it is indeed a girl in a sailor uniform. With an oglop in a cape.
(The actual champion is Cid.)
See, I told you oglops look like they have panda faces. This stupid shit better have been worth it...
Okay, that helps. Oh yes. It teaches Life and Revive (for those who can learn it, ie Pants and Shiny) and Auto-Life!
What's he testing? Why, an airship! Cid thinks something bad might happen, but that's poppycock. Everything is peaceful even though the main bad guy is still around and we're only at the beginning of Disc 3 of 4! What could go wrong?
"Quick, the child said she wants to die! Throw her at the dragon to distract it!!"
No, that's some other giant winged dragon that shoots fire and burns shit down.
Alright, this should be good! An entire army of soldiers at our command! I'm picturing something like Fort Condor from FF7, but cooler, or maybe some sort of Warcraft-esque minigame. Whichever.
Really? This is what we're going with? I can count the number of soldiers on both hands. That's no good.
I order you to find me more guards.
As you can see, there's four things to do and four groups of two troops each to assign each thing to.
I do so.
Really? I thought it was kind of arbitrary and I don't think I did a grea-
Nevermind I was awesome thanks for the item!
(It teaches +20% MP.)
"Mummy's busy, sweetums. It turns out Heaven is an endless all-you-can-eat buffet!"
I guess glowing and fainting will help.
From here it's a lot of battles with AWESOME (YAY!) and Beatrix (eyepatches are hot). Interestingly enough, Beatrix follows you, Dragon Quest-style, instead of being invisible and absorbed into your character when not in battle or talking.
I steal her helmet, because I can.
Remember these things? I hope you liked them, because I'm fighting a ton of them!
Since you're not playing, just imagine that each time you see a bug thing, they kill it in one hit, instead of it transitioning into a battle. It's cooler that way.
(i will not make a monty python and the holy grail reference i will not make a monty python and the holy grail reference i will not make a monty python and the holy grail reference)\
More battles!
He autoTrances at this point. Good thing too, as Beatrix isn't nearly as powerful in battle when you're controlling her instead of fighting her. I'm surprised there isn't a term for it on TVTropes, so I'm calling it The Magus Effect.
Fun fact: This update would have happened yesterday, but I actually died at this point! And I didn't save for a while! Cool beans!
I forgot to do what I usually do and look up the music as I'm playing and make notes for it later so I can put them in the update, so let's just say that Shiny hears Poker Face by Lady Gaga.
Cool 10 second cutscene that I couldn't find on Youtube.
:whistle:Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin, I'm not lying I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning:whistle:
Well, he's got one thing right: We don't have the slightest idea who Kuja is defying. Who the hell is this and why does he know Bowie?
Yes, why would he come to Gaia, and why isn't he knocking people down?
You're not going to fill us in, are you? I mean, it'd be helpful. You're talking to yourself already, why not go the extra and just tell us what you're talking abo-
-ut. Or not.
As you may have guessed, Cid filled in for Meowth for a few days when he was sick. He wasn't very popular.
You know how girls are, they do everything together. Using the restroom, talking about boys, summoning giant guardian spirits that look like a gorilla crossed with a castle to fight off invading dragon-gods...
Worst. Secret. Ever.
Bowie: "Go on, Vivi. Don't worry about me. Someday,
you'll probably do the same thing for someone who's really
important to you. Dagger is more important to me than anything
else."
Moe: "Man, you make me sick. I'm outta here. Next time you wanna
play hero, don't even bother calling me. Later..."
[Moe bails.]
Ratchel: "I guess here's no way to stop you. But remember, this is not
just your war, so don't even think about fighting Kuja now. As
soon as you find Shiny, leave."
Bowie: "Alright."
Ratchel: "Come on, Vivi. Let's go."
Vivi: "Ratchel. Wait."
Regent Cid: "Let him go, Vivi. He'll be alright."
[Ratchel and Regent Cid leave.]
Bowie: "Sorry I can't take you with me. But I have to go with my
instincts on this one. I don't know what else to say..."
One of the best series of scenes right there. The part where Alexander fends off Bahamut with his multi-homing-laser thing is etched into my mind. Just amazing.
And totally agree with Tetra > Triad. Why do we some some weird card game with weird rules? (which I learned and totally rocked at completing all the cards).
i just started replaying this game like 2 days ago since i got mad at FFXII, you're like one step before me.
can anyone explain how to calculate the attack power on a tetra master card? i can barely even read those symbols on the bottom but i'm sure they mean something
Gunstar on
Xbox : gunst4r
0
MongerI got the ham stink.Dallas, TXRegistered Userregular
i just started replaying this game like 2 days ago since i got mad at FFXII, you're like one step before me.
can anyone explain how to calculate the attack power on a tetra master card? i can barely even read those symbols on the bottom but i'm sure they mean something
Guide here. tl;dr: It's mostly random and shitty. Mostly.
Also, all you... ahem... "people" that like Chocobo Hot & Cold are no longer my friends. I thought you were all special. I was wrong.
So I liked Tetra Master till I realized one thing. If you want to collect them all you can only have one of each card. Why would they do something like that? If you lost a game, you lose a card so then you have to go back and find another, if you win you can't even take the card. So much for Tetra Master.
i just started replaying this game like 2 days ago since i got mad at FFXII, you're like one step before me.
can anyone explain how to calculate the attack power on a tetra master card? i can barely even read those symbols on the bottom but i'm sure they mean something
Guide here. tl;dr: It's mostly random and shitty. Mostly.
Also, all you... ahem... "people" that like Chocobo Hot & Cold are no longer my friends. I thought you were all special. I was wrong.
Chocobo Hot & Cold is the best FF minigame yet. Nothing can prove otherwise.
Perhaps, but it is Alexander's most awesome moment in the series, and also probably the most awesome summon moment ever. Which is good, as it has my namesake.
In fact, generally, FF9 has most of the best summon moments, both in cutscenes and for in-battle animations.
Perhaps, but it is Alexander's most awesome moment in the series, and also probably the most awesome summon moment ever. Which is good, as it has my namesake.
In fact, generally, FF9 has most of the best summon moments, both in cutscenes and for in-battle animations.
Birthday update! Update 20: A Small Errand Between Friends
"You can understand why. I mean, look at them. They're disgusting. We have a lot of anteater people."
"Oh. I was really just...you know, being nice."
It looks like it's the middle of the afternoon. Bowie's lazy.
On their own, these names are funny. Together? Comedy gold.
That's rather philosophical for a man who's last words were "Shiny pants".
OH FUCK A ZOMBIE FLESH GOLEM CHRIST HELP
Oh it's just Blank, nevermind.
Bowie wants you to SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM
We're treated to an ATE with No washing up on shore at the docks but I didn't get any shots of it other than:
That's our No! *laugh track*
This conversation is rather one-sided...
Bowie is wise in the ways of women: Always assume you did something wrong. Advice that my father has heeded for thirty years and passed down to me.
Bowie talks for a bit but is given the cold shoulder by Shiny. Nothing except Squallisms.
You know. "...."
"(He assumed he was wrong. He's the perfect man for me.)"
Sounding a little West Wing-ish, Artania. Time for our "walking down the hall while the camera follows in front of us" scene.
Well, everyone except Shiny. Pants runs off to go find her.
Me either.
That cutscene was AWESOME.
Shiny: (...So many people were killed. The survivors are
homeless and destitute. How could this have happened...?
Maybe I shouldn't have listened to Pants and summoned
Alexander... No. It's not her fault. It's my fault! I
never should have run away from home! I got everyone
involved in this: Bowie, Vivi, Awesome...everyone... Had
I stayed with Mother, maybe I could've stopped her.
...It's all my fault. ...... I shouldn't have assumed the
throne... I thought I could make amends, but... ...I've
only brought misery to everyone. ...What am I going to do
now?)
You sly dog. You caught her monologuing again!
One time I dropped my toast. That was pretty bad.
I'm with the guy with a tail. Too much talking, not enough mashing the X button and gaining experience!
Why can't nice things happen to Vivi? Like, someone gives him candy, or he returns a wallet and someone gives him the gil inside as thanks for his honesty?
I don't know. Probably something about needing to remember to record Project Runway?
Kuja: What can that old fool do to me!? He can't kill me! Nothing can!
...Besides, he's too late. The wheels are already in motion.
I won't let him interfere."
[Kuja walks off with some mages; Zorn and Thorn run over to him.]
Zorn: "What happened?"
Thorn: "Terrible injuries, you have suffered."
Kuja: "Shut up! ...If I can't have Alexander, so be it. I'll find
another eidolon soon enough. Hey, you!"
Black Mage: "I am Mr. 234."
Kuja: "Shut up! I didn't ask for your number! Are the preparations
complete?"
Black Mage: "Yes."
Kuja: "It's about time. Hahaha... Bowie, your role in my play is
far from over. I'm gonna go rest now. Get back to work."
I said it before and I'll say it again: Never fool around while you're with a woman who knows polymorph spells.
HAY GUYZZZZZZZZZZ
SHE CAN'T TALK.
Yes, let's rub it in more to the traumatized person about what trauma she's endured.
HEY REMEMBER THAT TIME SHINY'S MOM DIED?
Oh, fuck. A fetch quest. A fetch quest for, as they explain, rare potions that aren't in use anymore. I hate fetch quests. This is going to take forever.
Oh. Okay, well, the next two ingredients, those are going to suck and be hard. Fuckkkk.
Huh. Well, alright, the last ingredient, that's going to blow. That's how this shit works.
Maybe I should ask some townspeople.
Dammit, where is the "Punch Uppity Anteater Man In The Face" button?
8-)
Well, this is a needle in a haystack. I guess I'll ask that woman over there.
Seriously?
...wow. That was painless.
You think he'd have tried this cure thing earlier.
Well, he's not a oglop anymore...
: Everybody, get in here!
...sick.
Alright, we're at the docks, ready to go. A quick stop first, though.
Looks like No ate without paying. Again. We pay the old woman for the pickles (100 gil, what the fuck?).
d'awww.
The gang's all here, as well as Blank at the wheel, and Cid, who lets us change our party.
A quick jaunt across the ocean and some walking, and we're at the Black Mage Village. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYsJUXh5Iec
Black Mage Village music again, because it's catchy.
Dammit. These parts are hard to crack jokes about. Fuck it, I'm going to get something to drink. I'll be back in a minute.
Back, sorry. This is some damn fine juice. Wyler's Cool Raspberry. I'm not really sure what makes it Cool. Normally I get Crystal Lite but Wyler's was two-for-one this week, so I had to.
They both go 'Hooray!' d'awww I want to give them a hug.
Vivi: "...You stayed behind because you were worried about the chocobo egg."
Black Mage No. 288: "...I don't know. I wanted to follow Kuja because I was
so scared of dying. But I couldn't... I felt like I was
leaving something important behind."
Vivi: "...... I wanna ask you something."
Black Mage No. 288: "What is it?"
Vivi: "A-Am I gonna stop pretty soon, too?"
Bowie: "!"
Black Mage No. 288: "I don't know... Kuja said the prototype built
before us would last longer."
Vivi: "But...I am gonna stop eventually."
Black Mage No. 288: "......"
Vivi: "...I was really confused when my grandpa died. He told me,
'Vivi, no need be sad.' So I told myself, I can't be sad. That's
why I felt confused again when I heard that everyone was stopping
around him. I don't know what to do or what to feel... But when I
saw Shiny crying when her mom died, I wasn't confused anymore. I
was sad... If I were just a puppet, I never would have felt that
way. Mr. 288...we aren't puppets. I know we aren't. ...I hate him.
I hate Kuja!!! He's turning everyone into puppets just to kill
people!!! If it weren't for him, I know everyone would understand
someday. It's not fair..."
Bowie: "Vivi..."
Black Mage No. 288: "...Kuja's secret palace is on the eastern side
of this continent."
Bowie: "!"
Black Mage No. 288: "It's buried under quicksand. You'll need a ship
to get there."
Vivi: "Thanks..."
Black Mage No. 288: "I hope we can become strong like you someday..."
Alright, let's goooo.
It's hard to see, but there are four quicksand pits. Picking the wrong one gets you...
Remember him? I sure do. But even if I didn't, that's okay, because I got to get reacquainted with him.
Twice.
In a pit. I'm shocked, shocked that charging into our enemy's hideout by falling into a pit of quicksand could have backfired like this.
Kuja speaks to Bowie (over a loudspeaker or through his head, it's not very clear), and gives him a simple choice: Do a favor for him, or he'll kill our friends. He demonstrates by opening the floor a little. THE FLOOR IS NOW LAVA OH FUCK LIFT YOUR FEET.
I expected something a little more...frilly. Pink. Lace curtains. Manservants in Chippendales outfits.
"My elegantly-manicured, delicate hands!"
Well, basically, Kuja wants us to get an item for him at a place called Oeilvert. Why does he want us to get it when he's so powerful? Well, it seems it's surrounded by an anti-magic forcefield. Lovely.
We get to pick our party. Since magic will be useless, I choose a party to be made up of: Bowie (well, you can't choose him, but you know what I mean), Awesome, Moe, and, after a coin toss between No and Ratchel...No. Dammit. Stupid coin. Oh well, s/he has White Wind, which should keep us in fighting condition until we actually get to the anti-magic part.
That is one goofy looking airship.
Oh, fuck, them.
Oh, fuck me, they're rhyming. Have they always rhymed?
Spoiler Alert:
I get to kill these guys later, and it's going to be awesome.
Yay, we're here!
Fuck this, I wanna go home!
Awesome and No are pretty underleveled, so I pop on an episode of Law & Order and level up a bit before proceeding.
Some of the random battles are pretty rough.
Seriously, game? Seriously? Cactaurs are awful. They counterattack with 1,000 Needles, cast Confusion, and even their normal attack hits for like 600. Still, No manages to eat one and learn 1,000 Needles before dying and Bowie running away. Hooray!
No also learns some Earthquake spell from the huge turtles.
What a mouthful. Oelivert. It sounds like someone with a thick accent trying to say the first name of their favorite Law & Order: SVU detective.
(They'd be wrong, too. The correct answer is Munch and Fin)
I didn't get TOO many shots of this place. I was too busy fuming over the encounter rate. It was like I was playing Dragon Warrior on the NES. Take three steps, fight something, take three steps, fight something. Horrible enemies here, too. Ogres aren't too bad, but can hit someone with Trouble, an annoying status effect that, when the person who is Troubled gets hit, also damages the rest of the party for a third of the damage. I should have gotten more Annoyntments. Stone Fuckers (I don't remember their name) take very little damage and open up to reveal a cloned party member. If it's someone who is in the party (they can clone any of the characters, don't ask me how), after a moment the clone will cast Death on the real person. And Bird Fuckers (ditto on the name thing), who come alone (thank GOD) but have a really painful spell that hits everyone.
I'm sure it'll never come up again.
The place is kind of maze-like. I do a lot of backtracking.
Bowie: "Aha, it worked! Ancient...ship... Oldest...in history... I
knew you just had to do it in the right order!"
[Bowie goes to the next one.]
Bowie: "The ship...for war... Shipbuilding...technology...primitive..."
Bowie: "The first...battleship...Invincible... Improved version...
currently...in use..."
Beats me!
I love how nonchalant he says that. "Huh. Weird glowing statue face talking inside our head. That's cool. I guess."
Voice: "Visitors, listen well... This is the record of our civilization...
The seeds' decline was not our fault... All vegetation and...
vessels...died out... The decay of our Terra...triggered it all...
In order to stop the decay, many methods were considered...
Ultimately, the best minds of Terra's civilization gathered... Then,
a final resuscitation was attempted on the mother continent...
Unfortunately, it ended in failure... It was later discovered to have
been the catalyst... Subjects were selected... After four tremendous
sacrifices, eternal prosperity seemed within reach... Flora and fauna
were revived, but...is still in stasis. Final results...are still
pending... In order that our glorious history not die with us, we
were constructed..."
Judging from the picture, it means those planets are fucking.
Well, the room is pretty small, so at least whatever is coming can't be that bad...
Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me. It's huge. It's an airship. And it's nasty.
This is Ark. It's pretty nasty, especially with no healer. He has a move that confuses everyone, a move that brings people to 1 hit point, a move that hits everyone. Thankfully, I just happened to equip the Clear Headed ability on everyone, so the worst of it is avoided. He's a bit nasty even then though, and is unique in that I got all his stealable equipment fast. One steal for the first two, and 2 for the last item (a neat new lance). Badass.
...I accidently threw it at him though so I had to reload and do it over. Thanks, Moe! No, really. You're awesome.
All in all, that wasn't too bad. Now let's give it to Kuja so he leaves our friends alone and honors his agreement and then everyone lives happily ever after!
Posts
However, I want more FFIX!!!!!
Battlenet ID: MildC#11186 - If I'm in the game, send me an invite at anytime and I'll play.
And come one, MoC, you've just started into the depressing stretch of the game. We need to have our hearts crushed and eventually remolded.
All right, people. It is not a gerbil. It is not a hamster. It is not a guinea pig. It is a death rabbit. Death. Rabbit. Say it with me, now.
Oh god, please don't stop.
Anywho, chill. In the meantime you can uh... read the FFVII LP again! Wouldn't that be fun!?
Good news! It's an update!
Bad news! This update is 50% card games and Active Time Events and 50% cutscenes!
A number of treasure chests here, and a hidden Stellazio! Score.
Oh good lord what did I stumble upon
"Gamefaqs."
So Vivi tells us that he used to live here, with his grandfather. How did he end up here?
Oh, right, he was a Qu. How do you say 'Qu' anyway? Kwoo?
This seems like a reasonable thing to do.
Also, reasonable!
Just go with it.
Vivi says he may have fallen off a cargo ship. Really, it's either that or he's actually some sort of Mist-fish. Which do you prefer?
Bowie's as weirded out as we are. Let's go back to Treno.
Well, a quick jog over to Dali first...
"How'd you know this was here, Bowie?"
"Gamefaqs, little buddy."
It's this and some sort of key item that you can only get during this time right now. Remember the windmill? It's stopped, but only for the time that we're at Treno. You can get some coffee to give to the coffee drinking old man for some useless item. I'm not really sure why I want it.
BUT I DO
30,000 gold was worth coming out here though.
Okay, NOW back to Treno. We have a children's card game to play!
This game sucks and I hate it. Good penguin sir, please tell me what those stupid words on the card mean though.
Oh fuck you and this game.
Say what you want about FF8 (I'll probably agree with them if they're mostly negative!) but Triple Triad was a badass card game. I even bought a bunch of real cards on eBay years ago.
Well how can we not play now?
First game won. Woo.
Jesus Christ, there's like 560 different ATEs during this time. I'm putting them in their own section because, goddamn.
Vivi: "This place hasn't changed... This is where I fell... I was
starring at something down there. Grandpa helped me... I
haven't liked heights ever since. Wow... Dusty... I guess
that's natural. It's been a long time since I left..."
[He looks at the utensils on the table.]
Vivi: "Grandpa didn't eat anything towards the end... His cooking
tools are badly damaged now. Oh yeah, he said something
like... 'Vivi! I learn art of fulfilment without eating food!'
...... You know, Quina looks so much like my Grandpa."
---
Moe: "I thought you'd be the quiet type..."
Ratchel: "Sorry. Maybe I've changed. It's probably his influence."
Moe: "Bowie, huh...? So... Did you find what you were looking
for?"
Ratchel: "Well, I've been investigating Kuja... Some people seem to
think that King, the owner of this mansion, is Kuja. True,
I found people who witnessed Kuja on this property. But
there is no proof that Kuja is Lord King."
Moe: "Hmph."
Ratchel: "...What do you know?"
Moe: "Nothing, really..."
Ratchel: "Maybe I can find out the truth from the mansion's
auctioneer..."
Moe: "Don't hold your breath."
Ratchel: "So, what's your story? You seem to know your way around.
Are you also here for a reason?"
Moe: "Who, me? I'm only an unemployed security guard."
Ratchel: "Security guard?"
Moe: "It was painfully dull...until the day he showed up."
Ratchel: "?"
Moe: "...I've said too much."
Ratchel: "Hey, wait!"
Moe: "What, you're interested in hearing about my past?"
Ratchel: "Your past, huh...? Of course I'm interested."
---
Ratchel: "Who is 'he'?"
Moe: "...Bowie."
Ratchel: "I thought the two of you just met!"
Moe: "I don't think he remembers. I was working as a security
guard at this mansion... I was looking for a fight... It
didn't matter who, as long as he was strong..."
[Flashback time!]
Voice: "THIEF!!!"
[A young(er) Bowie runs out of a door.]
Bowie: "That was too easy! Wh-who are you?"
[...he says when Moe blocks his exit.]
Moe: "You look like a worthy opponent..."
Bowie: "Hmph. So you're the King family's infamous new security
guard, huh?"
Moe: "What if I am? Hasn't got me any action yet. Come on,
fight me."
Bowie: "Hmph. So you're just a thug."
Moe: "What did you call me!?"
Bowie: "My favorite kind! I'll knock you out in one minute, flat!
Moe: "Don't disappoint me."
Voice: "Where did that thief go!?"
[Two guards run out.]
Bowie: "Hee hee... Here they come."
Moe: "I won't let them interfere... Come on!"
Bowie: "Don't be silly. The game's over!"
Moe: "What!?
[Bowie runs to the guards.]
Moe: "!?"
Bowie: "H-Help! He came out of that door as I was passing by! I
was staring at him 'cause I thought he might be a burglar,
then he started pummeling me!"
Guard: "But he's a guard for this mansion..."
Bowie: "That's why he's suspicious! Just look at him!"
Guard 2: "W-We always had our suspicions, but..."
Bowie: "I'm gonna call the police! You guys hold him off until
they get here!"
[Bowie starts to run away, but drops a piece of advice en route.]
Bowie: "(I'll tell you one thing... The truly mighty ones don't
flaunt their power. How can I describe it to you? The sly
eagle hides its claws.)"
Moe: "Hmph..."
Bowie: "(I'm outta here! Buh-bye!)"
[Bowie bolts.]
Guard: "W-We've got you now!"
Moe: "...Yeah, right."
Guard 2: "H-Hey!"
Guard: "Don't run away!"
[Moe doesn't run; he strolls away. The flashback ends.]
Ratchel: "S-So, you..."
Moe: "I became a wanted man..."
Ratchel: "Ha... Ha ha ha...!"
Moe: "What's so funny?"
Ratchel: "Sorry. I just didn't expect you to fall for such a
childish trick..."
Moe: "...It's no concern of yours."
Ratchel: "I'm sorry. I see, so that's what happened."
Moe: "Don't get me wrong. I don't hold a grudge against him.
But I need to understand him... He doesn't flaunt his
power. He only cares about being with his friends..."
Ratchel: "You were destined to meet each other again. 'Two men
walking on the same path are destined to confront each
other one day.' That's what a man told me some time ago...
Honesty is a virtue. That's if you can manage to stay
alive..."
[Ratchel walks away.]
---
Okay, last one. Whew.
Oh, goddammit. There's one with No, and he's hungry, and he jumps into the river. Okay? Fine.
There. Last one. Let's mo-
SON OF A BITCH
No, no, we're not doing this. Pants has crystals, Shiny also has crystals, something about 500 years ago, and Mog (Pant's moogle) senses something bad happening. There. Okay? Can we go on with the crappy card game?
I forgot to get a screenshot but whatever, there was a second guy and I beat him (after a few tries).
The champion strolls up, and it is indeed a girl in a sailor uniform. With an oglop in a cape.
(The actual champion is Cid.)
See, I told you oglops look like they have panda faces. This stupid shit better have been worth it...
Okay, that helps. Oh yes. It teaches Life and Revive (for those who can learn it, ie Pants and Shiny) and Auto-Life!
What's he testing? Why, an airship! Cid thinks something bad might happen, but that's poppycock. Everything is peaceful even though the main bad guy is still around and we're only at the beginning of Disc 3 of 4! What could go wrong?
Okay I guess I was wrong.
That statue is updating its Livejournal, I guess.
"I have deemed this party to be unfabulous."
Oh, poop.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fDntcCZiQc
"Quick, the child said she wants to die! Throw her at the dragon to distract it!!"
No, that's some other giant winged dragon that shoots fire and burns shit down.
Alright, this should be good! An entire army of soldiers at our command! I'm picturing something like Fort Condor from FF7, but cooler, or maybe some sort of Warcraft-esque minigame. Whichever.
Really? This is what we're going with? I can count the number of soldiers on both hands. That's no good.
I order you to find me more guards.
As you can see, there's four things to do and four groups of two troops each to assign each thing to.
I do so.
Really? I thought it was kind of arbitrary and I don't think I did a grea-
Nevermind I was awesome thanks for the item!
(It teaches +20% MP.)
"Mummy's busy, sweetums. It turns out Heaven is an endless all-you-can-eat buffet!"
I guess glowing and fainting will help.
From here it's a lot of battles with AWESOME (YAY!) and Beatrix (eyepatches are hot). Interestingly enough, Beatrix follows you, Dragon Quest-style, instead of being invisible and absorbed into your character when not in battle or talking.
I steal her helmet, because I can.
Remember these things? I hope you liked them, because I'm fighting a ton of them!
Since you're not playing, just imagine that each time you see a bug thing, they kill it in one hit, instead of it transitioning into a battle. It's cooler that way.
(i will not make a monty python and the holy grail reference i will not make a monty python and the holy grail reference i will not make a monty python and the holy grail reference)\
More battles!
He autoTrances at this point. Good thing too, as Beatrix isn't nearly as powerful in battle when you're controlling her instead of fighting her. I'm surprised there isn't a term for it on TVTropes, so I'm calling it The Magus Effect.
Fun fact: This update would have happened yesterday, but I actually died at this point! And I didn't save for a while! Cool beans!
I forgot to do what I usually do and look up the music as I'm playing and make notes for it later so I can put them in the update, so let's just say that Shiny hears Poker Face by Lady Gaga.
Cool 10 second cutscene that I couldn't find on Youtube.
:whistle:Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin, I'm not lying I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning:whistle:
There we go! Some backbone!
Awww, Moe has a heart.
And then Pants jumps off the airship.
No, seriously.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQIN91z0ono&feature=related
Okay. I guess...
She's babbling in tongues and leaping off airships. I'm not sure if I like Pants more or less now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGdp_uyJ_Q4
This game has badass movies.
Christ. The only way Kuja could be any fruitier is if he was actively giving men with handlebar mustaches handjobs as he spoke.
Wait, what?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPrjhCYa6a4&feature=related
What.
Well, he's got one thing right: We don't have the slightest idea who Kuja is defying. Who the hell is this and why does he know Bowie?
Yes, why would he come to Gaia, and why isn't he knocking people down?
You're not going to fill us in, are you? I mean, it'd be helpful. You're talking to yourself already, why not go the extra and just tell us what you're talking abo-
-ut. Or not.
As you may have guessed, Cid filled in for Meowth for a few days when he was sick. He wasn't very popular.
You know how girls are, they do everything together. Using the restroom, talking about boys, summoning giant guardian spirits that look like a gorilla crossed with a castle to fight off invading dragon-gods...
Worst. Secret. Ever.
Bowie: "Go on, Vivi. Don't worry about me. Someday,
you'll probably do the same thing for someone who's really
important to you. Dagger is more important to me than anything
else."
Moe: "Man, you make me sick. I'm outta here. Next time you wanna
play hero, don't even bother calling me. Later..."
[Moe bails.]
Ratchel: "I guess here's no way to stop you. But remember, this is not
just your war, so don't even think about fighting Kuja now. As
soon as you find Shiny, leave."
Bowie: "Alright."
Ratchel: "Come on, Vivi. Let's go."
Vivi: "Ratchel. Wait."
Regent Cid: "Let him go, Vivi. He'll be alright."
[Ratchel and Regent Cid leave.]
Bowie: "Sorry I can't take you with me. But I have to go with my
instincts on this one. I don't know what else to say..."
Vivi: "Okay, Bowie... Good luck."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohUp-Dim_Wk&feature=PlayList&p=9659045BABA0D996&index=38
Yes, talk after we escape the sky doom lasers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OmX6ST_R50&feature=PlayList&p=9659045BABA0D996&index=39
First Final Fantasy to kill off three characters at once!
Okay, well-
Yeah, but-
Listen, can I just ask you one thi-
Okay, fine. I didn't want to know what was going anyway!
Hey. In that last video, four or five seconds in...that's the Everquest level up chime!
And that reminds me, do they ever explain the weird time loop with garland/chaos/ff9garland? I can't remember
The Pipe Vault|Twitter|Steam|Backloggery|3DS:1332-7703-1083
All right, people. It is not a gerbil. It is not a hamster. It is not a guinea pig. It is a death rabbit. Death. Rabbit. Say it with me, now.
Also, right when Shiny opens her eyes to see Pants after she jumps down, she completely has a "The fuck are you doing here, bitch?" look on her face.
Everything in this post is the truth.
I almost don't want to do Chocobo Hot & Cold shit, but I want to fight Ozma.
Seconded. The summoning of Alexander is epic.
Funny. I loved both Tetra Master, and Chocobo Hot & Cold.
Of course, I had a gameFAQS map for C H&C.
One of the best series of scenes right there. The part where Alexander fends off Bahamut with his multi-homing-laser thing is etched into my mind. Just amazing.
And totally agree with Tetra > Triad. Why do we some some weird card game with weird rules? (which I learned and totally rocked at completing all the cards).
XBL/PSN/Steam: APZonerunner
Music!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bxp7qJieKw
Let 'em eat fucking pineapples!
can anyone explain how to calculate the attack power on a tetra master card? i can barely even read those symbols on the bottom but i'm sure they mean something
Xbox : gunst4r
Also, all you... ahem... "people" that like Chocobo Hot & Cold are no longer my friends. I thought you were all special. I was wrong.
All right, people. It is not a gerbil. It is not a hamster. It is not a guinea pig. It is a death rabbit. Death. Rabbit. Say it with me, now.
Funny thing is, I'm pretty sure this is where I stopped playing the game last time.
You just don't do that to Alexander. It just isn't right.
In fact, generally, FF9 has most of the best summon moments, both in cutscenes and for in-battle animations.
XBL/PSN/Steam: APZonerunner
Hope everything is going well for you minion. By all means take your time, but we do love your let's play.
The Pipe Vault|Twitter|Steam|Backloggery|3DS:1332-7703-1083
Is there anyway to get this game again? I had my PS1 and this game (4 discs) but not sure if I can acquire it again
http://www.play-asia.com/paOS-13-71-5s-77-4-49-en-15-Final+Fantasy+IX-70-1vr.html
Currently in stock.
The Pipe Vault|Twitter|Steam|Backloggery|3DS:1332-7703-1083
Handmade Jewelry by me on EtsyGames for sale
Me on Twitch!
I wish
The Pipe Vault|Twitter|Steam|Backloggery|3DS:1332-7703-1083
Alternatively, Amazon still has new units in stock.
Right here.
Nice! Cheaper then I expected by a whole lot.
The Pipe Vault|Twitter|Steam|Backloggery|3DS:1332-7703-1083
Update 20: A Small Errand Between Friends
"You can understand why. I mean, look at them. They're disgusting. We have a lot of anteater people."
"Oh. I was really just...you know, being nice."
It looks like it's the middle of the afternoon. Bowie's lazy.
On their own, these names are funny. Together? Comedy gold.
That's rather philosophical for a man who's last words were "Shiny pants".
OH FUCK A ZOMBIE FLESH GOLEM CHRIST HELP
Oh it's just Blank, nevermind.
Bowie wants you to SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM
We're treated to an ATE with No washing up on shore at the docks but I didn't get any shots of it other than:
That's our No! *laugh track*
This conversation is rather one-sided...
Bowie is wise in the ways of women: Always assume you did something wrong. Advice that my father has heeded for thirty years and passed down to me.
Bowie talks for a bit but is given the cold shoulder by Shiny. Nothing except Squallisms.
You know. "...."
"(He assumed he was wrong. He's the perfect man for me.)"
Sounding a little West Wing-ish, Artania. Time for our "walking down the hall while the camera follows in front of us" scene.
Well, everyone except Shiny. Pants runs off to go find her.
Me either.
That cutscene was AWESOME.
Shiny: (...So many people were killed. The survivors are
homeless and destitute. How could this have happened...?
Maybe I shouldn't have listened to Pants and summoned
Alexander... No. It's not her fault. It's my fault! I
never should have run away from home! I got everyone
involved in this: Bowie, Vivi, Awesome...everyone... Had
I stayed with Mother, maybe I could've stopped her.
...It's all my fault. ...... I shouldn't have assumed the
throne... I thought I could make amends, but... ...I've
only brought misery to everyone. ...What am I going to do
now?)
You sly dog. You caught her monologuing again!
One time I dropped my toast. That was pretty bad.
I'm with the guy with a tail. Too much talking, not enough mashing the X button and gaining experience!
Why can't nice things happen to Vivi? Like, someone gives him candy, or he returns a wallet and someone gives him the gil inside as thanks for his honesty?
I don't know. Probably something about needing to remember to record Project Runway?
Kuja: What can that old fool do to me!? He can't kill me! Nothing can!
...Besides, he's too late. The wheels are already in motion.
I won't let him interfere."
[Kuja walks off with some mages; Zorn and Thorn run over to him.]
Zorn: "What happened?"
Thorn: "Terrible injuries, you have suffered."
Kuja: "Shut up! ...If I can't have Alexander, so be it. I'll find
another eidolon soon enough. Hey, you!"
Black Mage: "I am Mr. 234."
Kuja: "Shut up! I didn't ask for your number! Are the preparations
complete?"
Black Mage: "Yes."
Kuja: "It's about time. Hahaha... Bowie, your role in my play is
far from over. I'm gonna go rest now. Get back to work."
I said it before and I'll say it again: Never fool around while you're with a woman who knows polymorph spells.
HAY GUYZZZZZZZZZZ
SHE CAN'T TALK.
Yes, let's rub it in more to the traumatized person about what trauma she's endured.
HEY REMEMBER THAT TIME SHINY'S MOM DIED?
Oh, fuck. A fetch quest. A fetch quest for, as they explain, rare potions that aren't in use anymore. I hate fetch quests. This is going to take forever.
Oh. Okay, well, the next two ingredients, those are going to suck and be hard. Fuckkkk.
Huh. Well, alright, the last ingredient, that's going to blow. That's how this shit works.
Maybe I should ask some townspeople.
Dammit, where is the "Punch Uppity Anteater Man In The Face" button?
8-)
Well, this is a needle in a haystack. I guess I'll ask that woman over there.
Seriously?
...wow. That was painless.
You think he'd have tried this cure thing earlier.
Well, he's not a oglop anymore...
...sick.
Alright, we're at the docks, ready to go. A quick stop first, though.
Looks like No ate without paying. Again. We pay the old woman for the pickles (100 gil, what the fuck?).
d'awww.
The gang's all here, as well as Blank at the wheel, and Cid, who lets us change our party.
A quick jaunt across the ocean and some walking, and we're at the Black Mage Village.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYsJUXh5Iec
Black Mage Village music again, because it's catchy.
Dammit. These parts are hard to crack jokes about. Fuck it, I'm going to get something to drink. I'll be back in a minute.
Back, sorry. This is some damn fine juice. Wyler's Cool Raspberry. I'm not really sure what makes it Cool. Normally I get Crystal Lite but Wyler's was two-for-one this week, so I had to.
They both go 'Hooray!' d'awww I want to give them a hug.
Vivi: "...You stayed behind because you were worried about the chocobo egg."
Black Mage No. 288: "...I don't know. I wanted to follow Kuja because I was
so scared of dying. But I couldn't... I felt like I was
leaving something important behind."
Vivi: "...... I wanna ask you something."
Black Mage No. 288: "What is it?"
Vivi: "A-Am I gonna stop pretty soon, too?"
Bowie: "!"
Black Mage No. 288: "I don't know... Kuja said the prototype built
before us would last longer."
Vivi: "But...I am gonna stop eventually."
Black Mage No. 288: "......"
Vivi: "...I was really confused when my grandpa died. He told me,
'Vivi, no need be sad.' So I told myself, I can't be sad. That's
why I felt confused again when I heard that everyone was stopping
around him. I don't know what to do or what to feel... But when I
saw Shiny crying when her mom died, I wasn't confused anymore. I
was sad... If I were just a puppet, I never would have felt that
way. Mr. 288...we aren't puppets. I know we aren't. ...I hate him.
I hate Kuja!!! He's turning everyone into puppets just to kill
people!!! If it weren't for him, I know everyone would understand
someday. It's not fair..."
Bowie: "Vivi..."
Black Mage No. 288: "...Kuja's secret palace is on the eastern side
of this continent."
Bowie: "!"
Black Mage No. 288: "It's buried under quicksand. You'll need a ship
to get there."
Vivi: "Thanks..."
Black Mage No. 288: "I hope we can become strong like you someday..."
Alright, let's goooo.
It's hard to see, but there are four quicksand pits. Picking the wrong one gets you...
Remember him? I sure do. But even if I didn't, that's okay, because I got to get reacquainted with him.
Twice.
In a pit. I'm shocked, shocked that charging into our enemy's hideout by falling into a pit of quicksand could have backfired like this.
Kuja speaks to Bowie (over a loudspeaker or through his head, it's not very clear), and gives him a simple choice: Do a favor for him, or he'll kill our friends. He demonstrates by opening the floor a little. THE FLOOR IS NOW LAVA OH FUCK LIFT YOUR FEET.
I expected something a little more...frilly. Pink. Lace curtains. Manservants in Chippendales outfits.
"My elegantly-manicured, delicate hands!"
Well, basically, Kuja wants us to get an item for him at a place called Oeilvert. Why does he want us to get it when he's so powerful? Well, it seems it's surrounded by an anti-magic forcefield. Lovely.
We get to pick our party. Since magic will be useless, I choose a party to be made up of: Bowie (well, you can't choose him, but you know what I mean), Awesome, Moe, and, after a coin toss between No and Ratchel...No. Dammit. Stupid coin. Oh well, s/he has White Wind, which should keep us in fighting condition until we actually get to the anti-magic part.
That is one goofy looking airship.
Oh, fuck, them.
Oh, fuck me, they're rhyming. Have they always rhymed?
Spoiler Alert:
Yay, we're here!
Fuck this, I wanna go home!
Awesome and No are pretty underleveled, so I pop on an episode of Law & Order and level up a bit before proceeding.
Some of the random battles are pretty rough.
Seriously, game? Seriously? Cactaurs are awful. They counterattack with 1,000 Needles, cast Confusion, and even their normal attack hits for like 600. Still, No manages to eat one and learn 1,000 Needles before dying and Bowie running away. Hooray!
No also learns some Earthquake spell from the huge turtles.
What a mouthful. Oelivert. It sounds like someone with a thick accent trying to say the first name of their favorite Law & Order: SVU detective.
(They'd be wrong, too. The correct answer is Munch and Fin)
I didn't get TOO many shots of this place. I was too busy fuming over the encounter rate. It was like I was playing Dragon Warrior on the NES. Take three steps, fight something, take three steps, fight something. Horrible enemies here, too. Ogres aren't too bad, but can hit someone with Trouble, an annoying status effect that, when the person who is Troubled gets hit, also damages the rest of the party for a third of the damage. I should have gotten more Annoyntments. Stone Fuckers (I don't remember their name) take very little damage and open up to reveal a cloned party member. If it's someone who is in the party (they can clone any of the characters, don't ask me how), after a moment the clone will cast Death on the real person. And Bird Fuckers (ditto on the name thing), who come alone (thank GOD) but have a really painful spell that hits everyone.
I'm sure it'll never come up again.
The place is kind of maze-like. I do a lot of backtracking.
Bowie: "Aha, it worked! Ancient...ship... Oldest...in history... I
knew you just had to do it in the right order!"
[Bowie goes to the next one.]
Bowie: "The ship...for war... Shipbuilding...technology...primitive..."
[He goes to the next and reads.]
Bowie: "Battleship...Invincible...prototype... Prototype...failure..."
[At the last one:]
Bowie: "The first...battleship...Invincible... Improved version...
currently...in use..."
Beats me!
I love how nonchalant he says that. "Huh. Weird glowing statue face talking inside our head. That's cool. I guess."
Voice: "Visitors, listen well... This is the record of our civilization...
The seeds' decline was not our fault... All vegetation and...
vessels...died out... The decay of our Terra...triggered it all...
In order to stop the decay, many methods were considered...
Ultimately, the best minds of Terra's civilization gathered... Then,
a final resuscitation was attempted on the mother continent...
Unfortunately, it ended in failure... It was later discovered to have
been the catalyst... Subjects were selected... After four tremendous
sacrifices, eternal prosperity seemed within reach... Flora and fauna
were revived, but...is still in stasis. Final results...are still
pending... In order that our glorious history not die with us, we
were constructed..."
Judging from the picture, it means those planets are fucking.
Well, the room is pretty small, so at least whatever is coming can't be that bad...
Oh, you've got to be fucking kidding me. It's huge. It's an airship. And it's nasty.
This is Ark. It's pretty nasty, especially with no healer. He has a move that confuses everyone, a move that brings people to 1 hit point, a move that hits everyone. Thankfully, I just happened to equip the Clear Headed ability on everyone, so the worst of it is avoided. He's a bit nasty even then though, and is unique in that I got all his stealable equipment fast. One steal for the first two, and 2 for the last item (a neat new lance). Badass.
...I accidently threw it at him though so I had to reload and do it over. Thanks, Moe! No, really. You're awesome.
All in all, that wasn't too bad. Now let's give it to Kuja so he leaves our friends alone and honors his agreement and then everyone lives happily ever after!
Happy birthday as well!!!!
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Me on Twitch!
Bless you gentlemen. Keep them coming. Oh, and happy birthday too.