The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
I don't know how to live.
Eriic
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hi H/A. I'm 22 years old and I don't know how to be a person. I'm going to have to basically give a condensed life story in order to explain my situation, so this might be a rather long post. When I was young, my older brother was diagnosed with friedreich's ataxia, which is basically a progressive fuck-up of the nervous system. It starts out as scoliosis and clumsiness, and gets infinitely worse as it progresses, until it eventually kills the affected. My brother became mostly confined to a wheelchair when he was 12 (he is 3 years older than me, so I was 9). My parents have been divorced since I was 5, and we lived with my mom who worked full-time, so it was basically my responsibility to help my brother out with things. Fast forward to high school, and I'm a freshman while my brother is a Junior. His condition is worse, but he is able to use his hands and arms and maneuver his wheelchair on his own. He is able to get out of his wheelchair and climb stairs by sitting down on them and moving up one stair at a time. However, life is very difficult for him and his grades suffer and eventually he decides to take a proficiency exam and leave high school.
For whatever reason, I was also doing really badly at school. Even since middle-school I was really lazy and rarely did homework, and just generally didn't really give a shit about school. But since I am actually very intelligent and I did pay attention in class occasionally, I was able to do very well on tests and just kinda managed to get by. In high school however, my grades were consistently terrible. I almost never did homework and I was usually failing most of my classes. So, in my sophomore year I decided to take the California High School Proficiency exam that my brother took, as an alternative to repeating 10th grade. I passed the test and left high school during the 3rd quarter of my sophomore year. I was 15.
At this time, my brother had been taking classes at the local community college for a few semesters. I signed up for some classes and we were driven to school by this taxi service for disabled people (I am not disabled, but I guess the drivers were cool with me riding as long as I was paying the same fare). My brother was able to get around the campus if he had to, but it was difficult for him and he usually had me or a friend to push him around to most of his classes. I fell in with the anime/magic the gathering/general nerdy clique that my brother was already a part of, and everything was pretty decent. I was a bit nervous when in my classes because I was still only 15, but it wasn't too bad. But after a few weeks I started ditching my classes to hang out in the student lounge and play Magic or video games or whatever. I would basically just hang out in the lounge all day until my brother was done with his classes and then we'd take the taxi service home, or my mom would pick us up. So yeah, I ended up dropping out of college at 15.
My brother stayed in school for like another semester or two, I think, before it became too difficult for him to manage going to school at all. His condition was at a point where his writing was rarely legible and he was unable to get himself from one class to another in under an hour. He also sometimes had trouble controlling his bladder, and occasionally his bowels. I was 16 by this time.
So for the next 6 years, I basically stayed home with my brother all day, every day. I didn't have friends, I didn't go outside. His condition gets worse every year. During these years I pretty much spent all my time on the internet. My memories are pretty vague because every day is almost exactly the same. I get up at around 9 to help my brother out of bed and onto the toilet so he can take a shit. Then I help him back into his wheelchair and help him get dressed. For the rest of the day I sit in my room on the internet, playing video games, etc. I have to keep my cell phone with me in case he needs to go to get onto the toilet to take a shit. He pees into a bottle because his bladder control isn't good enough to call me on the phone and have me help him onto the toilet before he pees his pants. Sometimes he doesn't manage to pee in the bottle because his motor control is terrible, and he pees his pants instead. So I have to help him clean himself up and change his clothes, etc. Sometimes he shits his pants. I have never been able to deal with that, so when he shits his pants I have to call my mom at work so she can come home and clean him up. By late 2008 he pisses his pants 2 or 3 times a day on average. Every day. His spine is also so twisted that it crushes his lungs and he only has like 20 or 30 percent lung capacity. He also can't swallow effectively so there is a constant fear of him choking on things. He has choked on water before.
Then, on the day after Christmas we took him to the emergency room because he had a bad cough which we suspected was pneumonia. The hospital admitted him so they could do tests or some shit. He got worse. He died in the hospital in early February (or maybe late January, I usually don't know what day it is, though it is pretty terrible that I don't know the day my brother died).
So anyway, during those years I basically had no respect for my life or my body. I laid awake on most nights trying to think of painless ways to kill myself. I also developed social anxiety to the point where I didn't even feel comfortable going outside to check the mail. I literally never went anywhere except occasionally to my dad's house to stay for a weekend. I am 6'2" and I weighed 340lbs at one point.
Today, I am 22 years old and it has been 2 months since my brother died. I find that I kinda want to live, so I've started eating healthy and a week ago I bought an exercise bike to help get in shape. I've lost 8lbs in a week and I feel great about it.
But in regards to my life and what I am going to do about my future, I have no fucking idea. I've been trying to get out more. I go to Walmart with my mom occasionally. And I've been hanging out at my dad's house more often, and he has taken me out to dinner a few times and he took me to see Watchmen and that was pretty cool. But I really can't do anything on my own. I still can't even ride my exercise bike without closing my garage door so the neighbors can't see me exercising. I am so ridiculously self conscious about everything that I do. When I go out in public I usually get really nervous and start sweating. I still sit in my room on the computer all day.
I need to go take 12 units worth of classes at community college in order to get on my mom's medical and dental insurance, which I really need. But I don't know how I'm going to manage it. My current plan is to take all my classes online, starting with the summer semester. I might have to wait till the fall though because I'm not sure there are enough classes offered during the shortened summer session.
I feel fucking overwhelmed by shit and I don't know what to do. I think I want to join the Air Force when I get in shape enough to be able to handle the training and shit. I don't have any particular fondness for the military services, but I feel like it might be a good way to get some direction in my life or something. I don't know what the fuck.
Help me, H/A, you're my only hope. :oops:
PS: I can't afford therapy or counseling or whatever the fuck, so yeah.
edit: Also, I think I should mention that I haven't gone through any grieving process for my brother. I've known for many years that eventually his condition would cause him to die. In a way, his death has been more of a relief than a burden to me. The only sadness I have felt has been for his life, not his death.
For whatever reason, I was also doing really badly at school. Even since middle-school I was really lazy and rarely did homework, and just generally didn't really give a shit about school. But since I am actually very intelligent and I did pay attention in class occasionally, I was able to do very well on tests and just kinda managed to get by. In high school however, my grades were consistently terrible. I almost never did homework and I was usually failing most of my classes. So, in my sophomore year I decided to take the California High School Proficiency exam that my brother took, as an alternative to repeating 10th grade. I passed the test and left high school during the 3rd quarter of my sophomore year. I was 15.
At this time, my brother had been taking classes at the local community college for a few semesters. I signed up for some classes and we were driven to school by this taxi service for disabled people (I am not disabled, but I guess the drivers were cool with me riding as long as I was paying the same fare). My brother was able to get around the campus if he had to, but it was difficult for him and he usually had me or a friend to push him around to most of his classes. I fell in with the anime/magic the gathering/general nerdy clique that my brother was already a part of, and everything was pretty decent. I was a bit nervous when in my classes because I was still only 15, but it wasn't too bad. But after a few weeks I started ditching my classes to hang out in the student lounge and play Magic or video games or whatever. I would basically just hang out in the lounge all day until my brother was done with his classes and then we'd take the taxi service home, or my mom would pick us up. So yeah, I ended up dropping out of college at 15.
My brother stayed in school for like another semester or two, I think, before it became too difficult for him to manage going to school at all. His condition was at a point where his writing was rarely legible and he was unable to get himself from one class to another in under an hour. He also sometimes had trouble controlling his bladder, and occasionally his bowels. I was 16 by this time.
So for the next 6 years, I basically stayed home with my brother all day, every day. I didn't have friends, I didn't go outside. His condition gets worse every year. During these years I pretty much spent all my time on the internet. My memories are pretty vague because every day is almost exactly the same. I get up at around 9 to help my brother out of bed and onto the toilet so he can take a shit. Then I help him back into his wheelchair and help him get dressed. For the rest of the day I sit in my room on the internet, playing video games, etc. I have to keep my cell phone with me in case he needs to go to get onto the toilet to take a shit. He pees into a bottle because his bladder control isn't good enough to call me on the phone and have me help him onto the toilet before he pees his pants. Sometimes he doesn't manage to pee in the bottle because his motor control is terrible, and he pees his pants instead. So I have to help him clean himself up and change his clothes, etc. Sometimes he shits his pants. I have never been able to deal with that, so when he shits his pants I have to call my mom at work so she can come home and clean him up. By late 2008 he pisses his pants 2 or 3 times a day on average. Every day. His spine is also so twisted that it crushes his lungs and he only has like 20 or 30 percent lung capacity. He also can't swallow effectively so there is a constant fear of him choking on things. He has choked on water before.
Then, on the day after Christmas we took him to the emergency room because he had a bad cough which we suspected was pneumonia. The hospital admitted him so they could do tests or some shit. He got worse. He died in the hospital in early February (or maybe late January, I usually don't know what day it is, though it is pretty terrible that I don't know the day my brother died).
So anyway, during those years I basically had no respect for my life or my body. I laid awake on most nights trying to think of painless ways to kill myself. I also developed social anxiety to the point where I didn't even feel comfortable going outside to check the mail. I literally never went anywhere except occasionally to my dad's house to stay for a weekend. I am 6'2" and I weighed 340lbs at one point.
Today, I am 22 years old and it has been 2 months since my brother died. I find that I kinda want to live, so I've started eating healthy and a week ago I bought an exercise bike to help get in shape. I've lost 8lbs in a week and I feel great about it.
But in regards to my life and what I am going to do about my future, I have no fucking idea. I've been trying to get out more. I go to Walmart with my mom occasionally. And I've been hanging out at my dad's house more often, and he has taken me out to dinner a few times and he took me to see Watchmen and that was pretty cool. But I really can't do anything on my own. I still can't even ride my exercise bike without closing my garage door so the neighbors can't see me exercising. I am so ridiculously self conscious about everything that I do. When I go out in public I usually get really nervous and start sweating. I still sit in my room on the computer all day.
I need to go take 12 units worth of classes at community college in order to get on my mom's medical and dental insurance, which I really need. But I don't know how I'm going to manage it. My current plan is to take all my classes online, starting with the summer semester. I might have to wait till the fall though because I'm not sure there are enough classes offered during the shortened summer session.
I feel fucking overwhelmed by shit and I don't know what to do. I think I want to join the Air Force when I get in shape enough to be able to handle the training and shit. I don't have any particular fondness for the military services, but I feel like it might be a good way to get some direction in my life or something. I don't know what the fuck.
Help me, H/A, you're my only hope. :oops:
PS: I can't afford therapy or counseling or whatever the fuck, so yeah.
edit: Also, I think I should mention that I haven't gone through any grieving process for my brother. I've known for many years that eventually his condition would cause him to die. In a way, his death has been more of a relief than a burden to me. The only sadness I have felt has been for his life, not his death.
Eriic on
0
Posts
Volunteering is good for a few reasons.
1.) You're obligated to leave the house. (At least if you have a sense of responsibility. Don't volunteer if you're the kind of person who will flake.)
2.) The people you'll be working with, other volunteers, tend to be good people. Dickheads don't usually volunteer their time so there's less reason to be nervous/self-conscious.
3.) Most people who volunteer tend to be elderly because they're the ones who have time to do it. Many places can use a young male for grunt work. (Certainly the case at the soup kitchen where I volunteer.)
4.) If you're reliable and a good worker you'll probably end up with references, if not someone who might be able to help you get a job.
I would suggest maybe Habitat for Humanity as you could also get some exercise while doing it.
I've had issues with anxiety/negativity keeping me in the house for months at a time also, and volunteering is how I got out of it. Hasn't magically fixed my life or anything but it has put me in a better position to make a move.
Seriously though, the Air Force is great to get on track. Just make sure you sign up for a good job and take college classes while you are in. If you work hard you can easily get an associates in four years. Before I joined I spent all my time in my room and I never exercised or did homework or anything like that.
Now I work a full time and am working on an associates degree and I go to the gym. Oh and once you do your four years in the Air Force the GI bill will carry you through college with about $800 (depending on where you live) for housing per month and whatever you need for tuition.
Oh and as for getting out more, if you do not have friends make some, and if they ever ask you to go somewhere or hang out just do it.
As for your life, just start small. 12 units of school is not hard to maintain, especially for online classes. I think maybe 8 of my 14 units were online classes last semester. You really need to get yourself out more...I was a very anti-social person myself (I also used to be overweight, so I had that social anxiety), but I just started saying "fuck it" in my head and began to look people in the eye when I spoke to them. Trust me...try just looking a cashier or a random worker in the eye...sometimes they will look away. This does not mean they are disgusted or irritated, it means they lack the confidence to look back. I JUST realized this last year, and so far I've looked everyone in the eye when I say "thanks" or "yes, please" and it does wonders for your self-esteem.
Weaboo List
Also check with your mom's insurance. When I was your age my dad's insurance covered five free therapy visits every six months.
It's tough but you'll realize the shyness is just psychological bullshit and in the end nobody really cares if you're overweight or socially awkward. If people give you a hard time it's because there's something wrong with them and they feel the need to take it out on you because you're a little bit different from them.
The volunteering thing is also a very good idea because as FightTest said, mature people do that kind of thing so you'll make friends with good people who will help make you feel more confident.
From the OP you claim to have acute social anxiety and a poor physical condition. Being in the military may add structure to your life, but at a cost you might not be able to pay. Do you think you're ready to be yelled at, insulted, deprived of sleep, and worked to physical exhaustion? I am not in the armed forces, but I know enough people who went through all sorts of basic training (from marines to army to navy). None of it was an instant improvement, even though all these people say they're better off having the training. It'd be better to work out and try and make friends, as those experiences will provide the instant rewards you'll need to break out of your shell.
Although not to the same degree, my grandmother went through a decade of progressive illness before she passed. In a way, the prolonged stays in the hospital and near-death experiences allowed me to except her death. However, it's important to not deny the fact that this still has an effect on you: I think some mourning may help. Furthermore, you can use your brother's condition as motivation to go out and kick ass in life. I don't think you realize it, but you helped your brother in ways few other people would. In the moments of his life he needed help the most, you were there. It'd take tens-hundreds of thousands of dollars to pay someone to do the job you did. Even if you're kin, that kind of dedication shows me that you'd have no problem adjusting to a job as long as you can channel that work to a positive output.
If you've signed up for classes already, take them. Also, try to take classes at the actual university. Set up a schedule where your classes aren't too early, or too late (classes from 10-4pm are great times). Live on campus if they have dorms, especially in the freshman dorms. Freshman dorms are some of the best places to meet people like you. Additionally, find the clubs on campus that cater to your interests. Go to the game room and play with some people. If you go on a consistent basis, I'm sure you'll make a friend or two.
The summery of all this is that you need to get outside more in any way you can. Staying inside playing videogames all day is no way to improve your social anxiety or physical condition. What will you gain from playing WoW, really? Think about it, there is NO reward to it, no greater payoff. Your social discomfort will only dissipate when you decide to expose yourself to it and deal with it.
I played magic: the gathering and found it a relativekly comfortable way of meeting a group of people.
Just a thought. It is very, very hard to start changing (living) your life. Good luck.
I would say to also get some therapy. Take the college courses slow, take some introductory math or something. But don't sign up for them if you're going to flake again, take it seriously, and you will be rewarded in turn, if you don't, you'll end up right back where you are now.
<- Took CHSPE at 15, left high school sophomore year, went to community college, dropped out second semester, joined Army at 17
Tbh joining the Army was the best decision I've ever made. It gave me direction and purpose and made me realize how much of a fuck-up I was as a civilian. I was in terrible physical shape before I joined, so it's no problem if you're physically not at your best if you go military
I'd say if you want direction the military is a great route to go, plus it makes you money and puts your foot in the door for a multitude of career paths
Just my $0.02
I have always been a nerd, so I had the typical few nerdy friends in high school and got picked on by the delinquents occasionally, but it wasn't terrible. I used to be pretty social and outgoing, and I think that the situation with my brother and my isolation have been the main factors of my social anxiety. I guess I'm hoping that losing weight and getting in shape will magically make my anxiety go away, though I know it's not likely.
Volunteering doesn't sound like something I'd be interested in at all. I think I might be able to manage taking classes on campus as long as there isn't like an oral presentation involved. Would it be bad for me to continue staying inside most of the time and making minor progress until going back to school?
I was reading the Military thread here, which is what got me thinking about joining the service. Even setting aside my anxiety and other issues, I think it is the best option for me as I don't have any job experience or way to pay for college in the long-term. Honestly a military career sounds really rewarding to me. I could easily see myself living on a modest income with my computer and some books and video games; I just need to be able to make a living and survive without my relying on my parents for everything. I want to be able to go to concerts and go to the beach. I fucking love the beach.
Southern California
where specifically? if you don't mind. you may find lots of friends this way.
another bit of good advice comes from my friend, he's really self conscious and said he often points out his flaws to people asking how noticeable it is. every time the response was "i didn't notice it until now". you are with yourself 24/7 and pay more attention to details than most people would so people arent going to notice 9/10ths of the things you would, so don't sweat it... literally
seriously start with small pubs though. they should get you feeling ok about college
Losing weight may not be a magic solution to your social anxiety, but if you think people don't want to associate with you because of your weight, as I did, it may help a lot.
Don't "stay inside most of the time." You can't live part of the time. It's all or nothing. The only way you're going to get the social you out is if you give him the opportunity to come out.
Don't worry about oral presentations. Everyone is afraid of them, except for the rare freaks like me, who enjoy them. If you really want to tackle that, you have to recognize the value of looking ridiculous. You have to wear it like a badge of honor, not shame.
I would agree that going to physical classes might be a good idea. Perhaps just take one your first semester, so you only need to leave the house for a few hours 2-3 times a week? It keeps with the idea of baby steps, but also get you out into the outside world.
You've had some traumatizing experiences but you're still able to talk freely about it. You're also willing to put up with some pretty rough stuff that most people fortunately don't have to go through and couldn't handle if they did. That alone says to me that you're more well-adjusted than you give yourself credit for.
So go out, be social. Take it easy at first, acclimate yourself. Make some friends and hang out with them. Your social nature is like a muscle that hasn't been used in a long time, but it can be developed.
I can't give you any advice about joining the military, personally, but just realize ahead of time when you get in that you're in it for the long haul, so don't make any hasty decisions. But you're definitely still young enough to do it, and you seem to be able to put up with hardships pretty well, so it might be a good fit for you. You might want to try other stuff first, though, just to make sure - you might enjoy college, too, and unlike the military, you can change your mind if it isn't a good fit for you.
Also, keep exercising. You'll start feeling better physically, and that will make you feel better emotionally and socially. You seem to be doing a good job so far, keep it up.
You're not going to be socially adept unless you're out there socializing, so don't blame yourself for feeling uncomfortable around other people. It's happened to me with my own freaking friends before.
I'm not an expert on making friends or anything, but I think these might help you out a bit:
You'll be amazed by how much easier it gets, and if you keep at it long enough you can become friends with perfect strangers.
When I read the OP, I wanted to help provide any advice I could, but I think pretty much all the bases have been covered. PA crew, you are wonderful people to be so kind and thoughtful for a stranger.
The main thing I want to add (which has been mentioned before) is my suggestion to avoid the armed services. The last thing you want to do right now is go get broken down more than you already are and be built back up into a new facade of human life. You are yourself already. No need to go drop bombs to get a new self.
The best advice that has been offered several times and in other forms is that people are nervous and scared far more than they let on. Even the most confident person you know has enormous self doubt. Once you realize that people are just like you on the inside you will be able to have a better life. It took me a long time to realize it too.
Good luck.
Also, it will be very rewarding when after your first year of college you can look back and think "Holy shit I can't believe I thought the way I did back then." This time college will be different. You are older, you know you want to go back, and you are taking care of yourself this time. Being nerdy is fine, and you'll most definitely find some compatriot; playing Magic the Gathering is leagues better than being home alone.
Working out is a very fine idea and you have done well to have lost those 8 pounds already. It is no magic bullet, but don't underestimate the effects it will have on you. It is a great first step, because it is a way to improve your life that you can do on your own and that doesn't require interactions with other people.
The military is one of several paths your life can take right now. It is different experience for each person and I am reluctant to say DO IT DO IT DO IT, but it has been a good choice for both my brother and father and has provided a solid foundation for our family.
Aside from that, you need to break your social anxiety a little bit at a time. Join a society - you are nerdy like most people here, so an anime club or a roleplaying group might suit you. When you are used to being around other people, you will find it easier to do big things like joining the army or whatever you want to do then.
Whatever you choose to do I wish you luck and seriously emphasize and symphathise with you.
EDIT: Just read that you lived in Socal... as do I. If you go Navy you can be stationed in San Diego and I used to take the Amtrak Surfliner to see my family and friends every weekend until I got my car. Of course its not absolutely certain you'll be stationed in SD but its a huge base and they usually ask for 3 preferences when you are about to get sent to your permanent duty station (I wrote San Diego 3 times lol )