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Roomate/gf wedding drama: Unbiased perspective/help needed
Lacroix
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Registered User regular
Hi, not really sure how to describe this as a subject header. The fundie couple who are my roomates who have warranted their own thread in the past have a wedding due soon, with me as best man. I've kind of long since been bored of their drama and have just done what they want to get a quiet life, so I need unbiased perspective.
The groom is having 3 seperate bachelor parties. Well, no hes having one, the other two are just 'guys nights' (not sure how they are different) which incidentally last 3 nights apiece, which is more commitment than I had anticipated anyway. The last of these 'guys nights' is the night before the wedding in which I am supposed to sleep over with the other ushers et al and share a bed with my co-best man.
This raised the ire of my gf, because she feels unwelcome. She is not invited to the 'girls night' just before the wedding because it is just the brides close friends. Which, as she does not know the bride is ok with her sort of.
It was nice that they provided sleeping arrangements for me I guess, but as i'd rather travel to the wedding with my partner and not have to sleep squashed in with another guy when I can avoid it easily, we booked a hotel. When I told the groom about this he started yelling at me to cancel it because it wasnt what he wanted as he wanted a guys night together before the wedding.
I think my gf was a little naive in thinking that she would be invited to this guys night (which i suspect she may have wanted a little, as well as just to see me), but since I met the groom through her and they were friends first I can see why she is annoyed at the fact that essentially she is not made to feel that welcome. I have to travel down on one day, she has to travel down for the wedding only... where she doesnt know anyone else except me and the groom, and I am not allowed to sit with her or eat with her on the day because I am supposed to be on the top table.... and they want me to dance with a bridesmaid for the first dance because it is traditional.
So yeah, I guess the TL;DR is groom wants me to go to a third bachelor party/guys night, travelling seperately from my girlfriend. They freak out when I book a hotel to at least spend the night before the wedding with her, which she doesnt fancy too much anymore because I wont be able to spend any time at all with her, and she will have to watch me sit with the only people she knows and dance with another woman to boot.
My question, as I cant see clearly on this one, is who is being unreasonable here? What should I say/argue to negotiate.
I have come to actively dislike them (bride and groom) for their constant public arguments anyway (dont live w/ friends), and know thaty get pissy when they dont get exactly what they want, but it has never been an issue as i usually give in for a quiet life, but when their actions make others outside myself unhappy, then it makes me annoyed. But maybe this is normal expectations for dealing with couples at a wedding, I dont know. Any comments would be appreciated.
The groom is having 3 seperate bachelor parties. Well, no hes having one, the other two are just 'guys nights' (not sure how they are different) which incidentally last 3 nights apiece, which is more commitment than I had anticipated anyway. The last of these 'guys nights' is the night before the wedding in which I am supposed to sleep over with the other ushers et al and share a bed with my co-best man.
This raised the ire of my gf, because she feels unwelcome. She is not invited to the 'girls night' just before the wedding because it is just the brides close friends. Which, as she does not know the bride is ok with her sort of.
It was nice that they provided sleeping arrangements for me I guess, but as i'd rather travel to the wedding with my partner and not have to sleep squashed in with another guy when I can avoid it easily, we booked a hotel. When I told the groom about this he started yelling at me to cancel it because it wasnt what he wanted as he wanted a guys night together before the wedding.
I think my gf was a little naive in thinking that she would be invited to this guys night (which i suspect she may have wanted a little, as well as just to see me), but since I met the groom through her and they were friends first I can see why she is annoyed at the fact that essentially she is not made to feel that welcome. I have to travel down on one day, she has to travel down for the wedding only... where she doesnt know anyone else except me and the groom, and I am not allowed to sit with her or eat with her on the day because I am supposed to be on the top table.... and they want me to dance with a bridesmaid for the first dance because it is traditional.
So yeah, I guess the TL;DR is groom wants me to go to a third bachelor party/guys night, travelling seperately from my girlfriend. They freak out when I book a hotel to at least spend the night before the wedding with her, which she doesnt fancy too much anymore because I wont be able to spend any time at all with her, and she will have to watch me sit with the only people she knows and dance with another woman to boot.
My question, as I cant see clearly on this one, is who is being unreasonable here? What should I say/argue to negotiate.
I have come to actively dislike them (bride and groom) for their constant public arguments anyway (dont live w/ friends), and know thaty get pissy when they dont get exactly what they want, but it has never been an issue as i usually give in for a quiet life, but when their actions make others outside myself unhappy, then it makes me annoyed. But maybe this is normal expectations for dealing with couples at a wedding, I dont know. Any comments would be appreciated.
Lacroix on
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As for the final guys night, tell the groom you'll be attending but at the end of the night you'll be going back to your room with your gf and leave it at that. If he throws a hissy fit explain that you can attend the guys night without sleeping over and that you would rather get a good nights sleep in your own room and be rested for the day than get a crappy night of sleep with the other best man and not be able to make it through the wedding day.
Well that part is only my theory. The primary reason for discomfort was the expectation that I was to come down on one day, then she was to come for the other, and then the hissy fit when a hotel was booked. Which I thought would be helpful anyway, but 'you will be squashed and have to share a bed' was evidently an advertisement for a fun evening rather than a 'we have provided accomodation if needs be' that I had taken it to be. I had broached the subject of not wanting to spend the night (even when I thought I would be travelling alone) but got similar 'we'd like you there' - but I had gone away from that thinking i'd made myself clear that I didnt want to, and they had gone away believeing that they had persuaded me.
Did that, but he said he wasnt planning on getting that much sleep anyway as he would be very excited and wants to talk most of the night.
True, the wedding day is, and I am kinda okay with the top table-ness, but as I am expected to attend one 3 day bachelor party the day after tomorrow, and another sleepover one later in the month, and then the final non-bachelor party guys night I do find myself thinking exactly how long this moment is suposed to last. My understanding of the wedding dynamic was bachelor party then wedding. I was not expecting what essentially amounts to a week of guy time. If it is a guys night and not a bachelor party, then they should not 'expect' anything about how long I should stay and just be happy that I come to spend time with them at all, just like I would treat anyone else who is kind enough to spend a social occasion with me.
I guess for me personally, i'm just surprised that it is such an issue since the bride herself has had screaming arguments that the groom does not love her for visiting his family and for spending too much time talking to friends and not her at his birthday party (IIRC she went and sat in a corner and glared until he left his friends and sat with her, as opposed to y'know - talking to him), that she would be surprised that couples might expect to be treated as a unit a little.
Thats it though, its actually night... what, 5? in a sleepover situation. I'm not sleeping in the same bed as other dudes on the other nights... the actual bachelor party extravaganzas. Not one night out of my entire life. I have to go to the bachelor party... that is part of my role. The guys night that is not a bachelor party is kind of an amorphous no man land that is only so important because of its chronological proximity to the wedding.
LOL, is he a 10 year old girl?
Anyway, I think my recommendation would be to just deal with it, so you don't have them throwing a fit and holding it over your head forever "you ruined my wedding fun!!!!"
Tell your girlfriend how much you'd rather be spending the time with her. It seems a lot of your problem is also about keeping your girlfriend happy while you're away. You guys could plan a romantic get away ...or even just a couple of day where the two of you spend the night together and go on a nice date for after you actually do get out of this extended wedding/boys night stuff.
If you plan it ahead of time, it'll give both of you something to look forward to and, hopefully, be less irritated when you have to be apart so long.
I was under the impression that the best man also planned the bachelor night in its entirety. It sounds the the groom decided exactly what he wants for the bachelor nights and that's the root of the problem.
Have the guy's nights occurred yet? I'd suggest skipping out on those two and spending time with the gf on those nights as a compromise. Easier than telling him to get a new best man, which would be option 2.
LOL, because despite my tone, I got on with him quite well before living with him and his fiancee, and bonded with her and supported her while she was angry at him early in the living arrangements.
The reason I don't like them much now is just general small stuff that has snowballed due to close quarters living, discussed in another thread such as:
her moving all her stuff (everything she owns) into the flat, filling the living room, cupboards and fridge with their items (because it is very important that three loaves of bread and two boxes of ice cream take up one of the only two freezer drawers - especially since it continues to happen after i have politely brought up the issue on previous occasions) - Everything I own is in my room. I do not buy freezer food anymore as i cant, and keep tins, plates etc in my room as there is no kitchen space.
So... just nerd rage over small stuff that has just become too much.
Mostly though I have grown to dislike them because of the arguing...My sympathies with her angriness at him was before I realised that she gets annoyed at him on average once a day (sometimes they dont argue in a day, but then they'll argue twice in another so it evens out) over crap like 'you didnt turn off the Omen quick enough when it was scaring me... that was a very selfish unloving thing to do' up to 'your family didnt seem to talk to me... cant you see why i dont want us to visit them?'. They will almost never argue in private, but get upset if I leave the room. Again, I have expressed a desire that they possibly have arguments in private where possible, esp. when they will happily do it when my grandparents visited, waltzing into the living room and a normal conversation descended into the usual argument, it was like we were expected to leave.
This may seem like I dislike her more than him, and im being a friend doesnt like new woman, but its not... I know my friend can be insensitive and thoughtless often: thats how bad its gotten living with them for me. They argue so much over trivial stuff I cant even bring myself to care when she has a point... its like the girl who cried wolf, I just dont have the capacity to be that involved with the drama, when switching off the tv slowly is treated with the same 'volume up to 11' severity as more important issues.
The reason i was best man is because I liked them. The reason i'm still best man is that i'm not dicky enough to sow the seeds of doubt just because i dont see how they can be happy. It isnt important as only they truly know if they work. If I had a dime for evryone who didnt get me and my gf or how we work i'd have two or three dimes, but its not my place to say this to them because that might be just how they work.
They are inviting like 300 people as many people have roles, 'best man' is mostly a title at this point. Actually i'm best man number 2 and have fairly menial functions. There is also a ring bearer, ushers and another group of people who he has organised the bachelor parties with. However, I think there was fear that best man 1 wouldnt do it alone, hence my position as friend of best man 1 sharing the burden.
Its not like i'm not expendable. But it would hurt their feelings if I dropped out now, and would make living with them for the next 2 months tremendously awkward for all involved. In my mind that would cause more wedding hassle than not being comfortble dancing with a bridesmaid and dragging the gf many miles to lose her in a sea of people she has never met, away from the only two-three people she actually knows.
At this point the problem is solved in a kinda sucky way as i think the gf plans to emergency call in sick and just not be able to make it, which is what I would do if our roles were reversed I guess, but I still feel kinda bad.
If she doesn't understand this and stays pissed at you for it, then thats a pretty good sign of the type of person your girlfriend is.
This was my reaction too.
It's honestly sounds like he's putting waaay to much thought into the whole bachelor party extravaganza thing, but whatever, it's his special day (week?). If you're honestly good enough friends with him to be part of the wedding in any capacity, you should just grin and bear it.
This.
The three multi-day guys' nights/bachelor parties/sleepovers is pretty damn excessive, but you signed on, so....
Basically, it's going to suck for your girlfriend, but aside from the pre-party wtfery, what they're having you do is reasonable enough. It would have been nice if they'd considered her (and others) by letting the wedding party's dates sit at the head table and whatever else, but they they don't really have an obligation to do so.
Also, something possibly to emphasize to your GF when you're talking about this with her.
Given -- that bachelor parties are supposedly the last hurrah for a guy and his friends (and since you've described him as a fundie, I'd guess he's got a traditionalist view here), and
-- that he's having three of them, some of which are multi-day, some of which are sleepovers in order to maximize hanging-out time:
It sounds like this guy is rather terrified he's never going to see his friends again.... which might be justified given your story about how his birthday party went.
That doesn't really excuse him having a week's worth of parties (evaluating his relationship would be much more productive), but it may help explain it a bit better.
I mean, I've heard of some people really tying one on and staying in a drunken daze for that long, but that doesn't seem like the case here (though I could be mistaken).
But yeah, I agree with most of the comments in here - it sucks but you agreed to do it, so just try to grit your teeth, don't make waves and deal with it the best you can. If your girlfriend gets pissed try to make it up to her by doing something fun with her.
I don't know how many weddings you've been involved in, but it seems to me this is the typical pattern. Everybody besides the bride and groom (occasionally the parents but not always, since they usually have to spend a lot of money) hates the wedding, hates the imposition, and by the time it's over with they usually hate at least one of the people getting married. Ironically, weddings bring out the worst in people, for whatever reason.
No clue. He doesnt drink and no strippers so... bowling? 5 days of movie marthons? No clue.
Lol. Fair enough. I've been to two weddings, but my area is i suppose full of the sort of 'common people' Blur would sing about (me included) and the meal has consisted of peope going to the local pub, sitting wherever they want and feasting on the sandwich buffet, and just mingling generally. So based on my prior experience of weddings it has surprised me going from that to a regimented thing, though comments here seem to suggest my experiences are not the norm for weddings.
And no drinking, no strippers? As a best man, you have failed. You bring that shit on, even if the groom doesn't want it, if just for the sake of all the other guys.
Though maybe the other guys are the same. I will say that a sleepover sounds umm, strange, but whatever. You're sort of stuck in a hard place, as I think your gf and groom are both being unreasonable. I would just ask myself who has more of a chance of making my life miserable after this and do that.
Tell your girlfriend that it's not her day...(the wedding)..and as the best-man you have to comply with a 'few' rules. Honestly, she shouldn't get angry...in fact she should try to understand your plight, that's why she's your GF...
If you think your sleep might get compromised....let the groom know..try to explain it to him..
Tell him you you don't want to lose your job and can afford to be missing work. Since he already has a co best man, it's not like they're out much. Probably insist on re-doing the entire seating arrangement and all that though. (People go so overboard with weddings).
Well, that and I'm probably like the guy from I Love You Man, where I don't have a true "best friend" anymore.
There's a lot of things that have become "pretty standard" at weddings that are nonetheless ridiculous. Telling someone's date that they have to go sit by themselves is rude regardless of the circumstances.
Did you even read the OP? Because that's really not an accurate description of what's going on. The groom also threw a fit when he said he wanted to stay in his own hotel room with his girlfriend rather than have a sleep-over for bachelor party #3. He also has to travel separately from his girlfriend. I get that this is the groom's(?) special special day, but that all just seems like a whole lot of crap to make people go along with. I mean, presumably the girlfriend is also a wedding guest, and it doesn't seem like the soon-to-be-married couple is being very hospitable to her.
The gf might be a "+1," and in the grand scheme of wedding parties, that might not be a big deal.
Also, this is the weirdest wedding I've ever heard of. At least two best men, a bridal party with like 300 people in it(?!), 5-day non-alcoholic bachelor parties?
All weddings are kind of a drag but this one seems worse than most.
Yes, the groom in the OP is strange, and the requests he is making are strange and ridiculous. Coupled with all of that, I could see how one would want to add the head table stuff as a part of the mix, but it shouldn't be. Especially not in a general sense.
Why can't you get a seat for your GF at the head table? Do they not know her that well?
Edit: Also your gf wanting not to come at all is kinda of a big deal if you're serious about her...she's prolly feeling that you just dont want to stand up to bride and groomzilla(that's a first..."GUYS..guys, I just wanna...I wanna talk to you guys all night man, and we can all sleep together in one room, man!")
Also, what better way to have your girlfriend meet all of your friends than a wedding?
Sounds like she's friends of the groom.
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Not really. If you're in the wedding party that's how it goes. You're not going to sit some random person at the head table. If she can't spend dinner with people she knows who aren't the OP then she shouldn't go.
I agree with those who say both parties are being unreasonable. My girlfriend was the maid of honour at a wedding this past summer, and so I sat at a table with her parents and some other folks I did not know. Again like others have said, you are not at the head table for the entire reception either. Some food, some toasts, done. Unless this guy has other ideas for the reception.
or
B. Tell the guy that you can't commit to that much time, offer to attend what you're interested in and then accept it if he gets mad.
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I wouldn't call it standard, as I've been to a couple weddings were it wasn't like this. Including my own wedding.
It basically depends on the size of the Wedding Party. If the Wedding Party is small, then everyone and their "+1s" can sit at the head table.
If the Wedding Party is large (14 for mine, 17 if you include the flower girls) there's no way to sit them all at the same table.
It also depends on if the members of the Wedding Party are married or single or whatever.
And it also depends if you go with the long head table, or a circular head table.
Basically, in my opinion you seat people with their wives/girlfriends/dates. Sitting them apart is silly. The Bride and Groom should have a "Sweetheart Table", that they will sit at for 10min so they can actually get some food and not starve to death for the night
As for the actual OP, the groom is being a little nutty. But brides and grooms are allowed to be a little nutty. You do not countermand a request/order from the bride or groom.
Even if they're being crazy, this is the one time in their lives when they are supposed to get their way.
Being apart from your girlfriend for this small amount of time will not hurt you. The night of the Reception you can... make up for lost time
That's what we did; just had a small table for us, and her bridesmaides (all friends) sat at a table near us. Just avoided the whole nonsense.
As for the OP, I guess I'd just go along with the groom's craziness. The only reason I could see for backing out would be money issues, and I don't think that's a problem?
As for the table/seating arrangements, if your g/f can't sit at the table, just go along for the night; you can have a table with a giant neon cross of something for them to sit at your wedding.
I dunno, it sounds like the OP doesn't have a very healthy relationship with the wedding couple. Is it really worth bending over backwards to satisfy people you neither like or respect?
Your time is yours to organise, though as the best man is supposed to organise the stag do anyway....
Meh. If he wants to get upset, that is his choice. You are not required to spend the night with him.
Also tell him that you'll attend one night of lame-o bachelor party. 3 different bachelor parties (I think that is what it is?) is irresponsible and dumb.