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Pruning a negative friend.
Susan Delgado
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'll try not to ramble too bad...
I have a friend I met at work who, at first, was great. We hung out a lot, chatted about everything. Vented about work problems, relationship problems, I talked to her a lot about my family and the divorce of my parents, and my struggles with weight loss. I was there for her for every thing she needed. She was struggling with her boyfriend and an ex, and a LOT of self image issues... she needs attention and reassurance CONSTANTLY.
A lot of how she makes herself feel better is by putting other people down or throwing them under the bus at work. I'd been warned about this by multiple people before, but was just really happy to have a friend. She started belittling my boyfriend in front of our mutual friend and co-workers, making remarks about things I'd told her in private.
I told her that wasn't kosher and started to distance myself... Next I find out that she's been taking things that I've told her about work in the past (again in private and with the understanding that it wasn't to go any further than the two of us) and blabbing them to higher ups... I was called on the carpet for telling her about special treatment a coworker was getting. (No it's not her position or place to "do something" about personnel issues). She also seems to have a penchant for saying things to intentionally make me feel bad... for example if I mention that my b/f is going to be out of town for work and I'm wishing I had more to do, she will go on with a laundry list of things that she is doing over the weekend (mind now that she does not invite me to any of them) and how many invites she gets from her friends to go out and do different things.
She is on my facebook, myspace, and twitter...and for almost anything I post she has some snarky backhanded comment. If I say I'm sad or stressed I get a lecture about why I shouldn't be. If I say I'm going out to dinner with my b/f I am told that I should be at the gym.
She is obsessed with these mediums (is that the right word?)... She has gone totally off her rocker when people she's not even close to have dropped her from myspace or facebook.
In day to day dealings I have backed off as much as possible w/o affecting work and I don't divulge much about my personal life or work happenings anymore... very superficial conversations or I try to just make her talk about herself (which isn't that hard).
How can I get her out of my internet life? I use the sites I mentioned to keep up with friends scattered all over, so I don't want to cancel my profiles, but I don't want her on them. Is there a nice way to tell her to GTFO?
Sorry again, this was a bit longer than I intended.
tl;dr Snarky work friend is still jabbing at me via social networking sites despite backing off real world contact. How do I prune her?
I have a friend I met at work who, at first, was great. We hung out a lot, chatted about everything. Vented about work problems, relationship problems, I talked to her a lot about my family and the divorce of my parents, and my struggles with weight loss. I was there for her for every thing she needed. She was struggling with her boyfriend and an ex, and a LOT of self image issues... she needs attention and reassurance CONSTANTLY.
A lot of how she makes herself feel better is by putting other people down or throwing them under the bus at work. I'd been warned about this by multiple people before, but was just really happy to have a friend. She started belittling my boyfriend in front of our mutual friend and co-workers, making remarks about things I'd told her in private.
I told her that wasn't kosher and started to distance myself... Next I find out that she's been taking things that I've told her about work in the past (again in private and with the understanding that it wasn't to go any further than the two of us) and blabbing them to higher ups... I was called on the carpet for telling her about special treatment a coworker was getting. (No it's not her position or place to "do something" about personnel issues). She also seems to have a penchant for saying things to intentionally make me feel bad... for example if I mention that my b/f is going to be out of town for work and I'm wishing I had more to do, she will go on with a laundry list of things that she is doing over the weekend (mind now that she does not invite me to any of them) and how many invites she gets from her friends to go out and do different things.
She is on my facebook, myspace, and twitter...and for almost anything I post she has some snarky backhanded comment. If I say I'm sad or stressed I get a lecture about why I shouldn't be. If I say I'm going out to dinner with my b/f I am told that I should be at the gym.
She is obsessed with these mediums (is that the right word?)... She has gone totally off her rocker when people she's not even close to have dropped her from myspace or facebook.
In day to day dealings I have backed off as much as possible w/o affecting work and I don't divulge much about my personal life or work happenings anymore... very superficial conversations or I try to just make her talk about herself (which isn't that hard).
How can I get her out of my internet life? I use the sites I mentioned to keep up with friends scattered all over, so I don't want to cancel my profiles, but I don't want her on them. Is there a nice way to tell her to GTFO?
Sorry again, this was a bit longer than I intended.
tl;dr Snarky work friend is still jabbing at me via social networking sites despite backing off real world contact. How do I prune her?
Go then, there are other worlds than these.
Susan Delgado on
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Posts
You should be able to set your facebook and myspace profiles to friends only, and then unfriend her.
Never messed with twitter.
I'd say just ignore her. Don't respond at all. She gauges intimacy and friendship by drama and confrontation, and it's probably got something to do with her parents. That being said, not your responsibility to give a shit.
I wouldn't even have superficial conversations with her. She'll get the hint and move on, or explode and look like an ass. Either way she's done with you.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Maybe you should tell her why you're blocking her beforehand.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
This is a good point. I sort of functioned thinking you had already done this.
If she doesn't know you're sick of her negativity, she may not think she has any problem at all. I can be a pretty big pessimist and sometimes it takes a friend to tell me to lighten the fuck up. Though I never insult people or go out of my way for drama... she may be reasonably unaware that what she's doing is not okay.
This doesn't excuse her, but it may remove some of her bitterness if she knows why.
Work is going to be awkward, but I guess you can always try to arrange your schedule to be away from her whenever possible. Unfortunately, people who thrive on drama are much more likely to stick around in a job with the drama they crave. Your best bet is being as professional as you can.
I don't know what you mean by that? You can block someone on facebook, remove them from your friend list and block them, without them knowing till they try to search for you, or see you posting on someone's facebook.
But it doesn't notify them at all. So if you perma-block her, and she looks for you by search, and she wonders why she can't see you, just tell her you got rid of it.
100% yes, doubly so on the limed part.
She needs to hear it.
Block her and then explain why you did it and as Demerdar said...be strong.
Good luck.
I worry about her making work life hell for me (and she's the type that will turn on you and stab you in the back in an instant if it benefits her... I've recently seen her in action on that front trying to hose over another friend/coworker).
It sounds wimpy in my own head, but maybe if I cut her out gradually she won't take it as hard? I think someone said I can limit what she sees on my facebook and I can get away with dumping myspace I think...I've got most of my friends on there finally reformed to facebook lol.
Ugh..I'm too nice.
So go ahead. Limit what she can see on your facebook profile, ditch her myspace, and block her on twitter.
Nobody needs to put up with that crap from coworkers, why should you?
Maybe I'm misunderstanding but....so what? This person sounds awful, and personally I would definately not be hanging out or associating with someone like this.
The advice given was sound. Remove her from your Facebook friends, remove her from your Myspace friends. Who says you have to dump myspace completely?
At work, yeah she'll probably drama it up, but just ignore her. Be steadfast; don't associate with her, don't talk to her about anything personal anymore, hell don't even acknowledge her anymore. If nothing else, just keep it to, "Good morning," and then "Seeya later."
xbl - HowYouGetAnts
steam - WeAreAllGeth
Yeah, maybe we go drink and hang out later. I'm still not telling you about my third testicle or the time I grabbed my teachers ass.
The problem was that you were looking for a friend while she was looking for a way to profit from you. All you can do now is push her as far away as possible from you and complain to your boss about her unprofessional behaviour.
If she's anything like the manipulative cunt at my work her bosses probably love her and will rather call you a liar, this is why it pays off to complain together with co-workers, it is easy for a boss to dismiss one person, but if more people come with the same complaints then they can't keep at it.
Oh by the way, the one I have experience with went to a bigger municipality and got a big pay rise because she's so professional and good.
I handled mine very immaturely by grabbing a knife and threatening to fucking gut him, during business hours. Which worked out okay because no one liked him and they sent him home for aggravating others. But don't do something like this, do not let it escalate. Say your piece if you feel you must, and move on.
This could not be limed harder. No matter how good of friends you think you are with someone at work, you still don't tell them anything that could get you in trouble at a later date.
Trust people a bit slower in future. Good luck :-)
Any boss that's worth his salt would base his evaluation of an employee on his experience and not on things said by a single coworker. Also, any employee worth their salt will do their job in a fashion that they deem appropriate and take criticism openly and also be willing to provide feedback if the boss has unrealistic expectations.
Also, for future reference, it's best to establish a pattern of behavior, along with ample documentation, so that you always have your ass covered. Whether it's a bad boss or just a really inappropriate co-worker, get it in writing as much as possible as often as possible, and always have a third party around (whether via email CC, via phone, or in person).
I'm guessing that if you aren't the only one who has been burned by this, everyone already knows what's up, and will definitely lean towards believing you rather than her, especially if you are up front to independent third parties (such as HR) about it. Admitting you were wrong doesn't hurt, either.
But yeah, if you're going to do it, talk with her, be honest, and then follow through with it. Then try to move on as best as possible without getting dragged down to her level, if it comes to that.
It's nice to be honest and have an up front conversation and be totally civil and adult about this, but honestly, this is a work environment and that's not always the best thing to do. Delete her from everything and never speak to her. If she's pissed she's going to spread rumors or whatever, but if other people understand her already (like the ones who told you to stay clear in the first place) they won't believe her spiteful bullshit anyway.