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Anxious about new girl
jasonlester
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
A few of you have probably followed my threads regarding a relationship breakup, and now a new girl.
Basically, after me and my girlfriend of 3 years broke up, this other girl conveniently dumps her boyfriend. She's one of, if not my best friend. I've sorted through the heartache from the other girl. There wasn't really any at all. It's been about a month and I feel great. I mean, it felt like our relationship had been dead for at least a year. We constantly fought and I eventually lost emotional connection to her. So even though it hasn't been long since the breakup, it feels like it's been forever. I know I could never be with her again. I don't even want to be friends with her for at least a few years.
I decided I'd just roll with it, and see what happened with the new girl. We started hanging out a lot. Turns out she likes me. I'm terrible with signals, so I always made excuses around that fact.
We went out the other night walking, and eventually ended up making out. It was fair win. I like her. The problem is my anxiety.
I really care about her, and don't want to screw things up. I over analyse, and I get so anxious, I legitimately feel sick to the point of almost throwing up. I am almost certain this sickness is in my head, but I can't do anything to stem it.
I try breathing, I try not thinking about it. On the night, it seemed to come in waves depending on how often I thought about it.
I'm just not sure how to relax? It's really killing me. I'm not worried about exams or tests or anything. Hell, I have one in an hour and feel fine. I just get anxious about her
It's been a long time since this phase in my last relationship, I don't remember being this nervous then.
Does this initial butterfly phase wear off? I really can't calm down. I want to enjoy this, but my brain is making it difficult.
edit: I just can't wrap my head around it. I mean here, I am with a beautiful, completely sober girl who seems legitimately interested in me.
Basically, after me and my girlfriend of 3 years broke up, this other girl conveniently dumps her boyfriend. She's one of, if not my best friend. I've sorted through the heartache from the other girl. There wasn't really any at all. It's been about a month and I feel great. I mean, it felt like our relationship had been dead for at least a year. We constantly fought and I eventually lost emotional connection to her. So even though it hasn't been long since the breakup, it feels like it's been forever. I know I could never be with her again. I don't even want to be friends with her for at least a few years.
I decided I'd just roll with it, and see what happened with the new girl. We started hanging out a lot. Turns out she likes me. I'm terrible with signals, so I always made excuses around that fact.
We went out the other night walking, and eventually ended up making out. It was fair win. I like her. The problem is my anxiety.
I really care about her, and don't want to screw things up. I over analyse, and I get so anxious, I legitimately feel sick to the point of almost throwing up. I am almost certain this sickness is in my head, but I can't do anything to stem it.
I try breathing, I try not thinking about it. On the night, it seemed to come in waves depending on how often I thought about it.
I'm just not sure how to relax? It's really killing me. I'm not worried about exams or tests or anything. Hell, I have one in an hour and feel fine. I just get anxious about her
It's been a long time since this phase in my last relationship, I don't remember being this nervous then.
Does this initial butterfly phase wear off? I really can't calm down. I want to enjoy this, but my brain is making it difficult.
edit: I just can't wrap my head around it. I mean here, I am with a beautiful, completely sober girl who seems legitimately interested in me.
jasonlester on
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it means you really really want to be with her. so make sure you take every opportunity you can. the more you see her, the more you'll feel comfortable and you'll be able to relax in your off time
All I can suggest is put yourself in situations where you'll be comfortable, select activities that you enjoy (and that she will!).
Also, try and let go. Whatever will be will be, regardless of how you feel. Relationships always cut through the bullshit. You cant act a certain way round someone you're going to be with, you need to be yourself. If that's not what she's after, then its best in the long run.
Definitely tell her you are anxious about it
for one, she won't think you're avoiding her or being a creepy wacko all the time
and also she will realize how seriously you take your time together which is a good thing
Say something like "I really like you, and I really want this to work out, but I have an anxiety thing about relationships and I need you to understand if I come off a little crazy"
Since you were friends first she is more likely to understand.
Uh, and in...reply to a few of the PMs, I don't think it's bad enough to warrant Valium :P. Thank you though! I'm seeing her Sunday, I'll have to think of something interesting to do by then.
Sounds like I've been asking for the wrong advice. C'mon guys, share the wealth.
Also, I wouldn't worry about it. It will pass with time.
The next week we met up, just together for a walk, and ended up making out for at least half an hour. I asked her out on Sunday and she said she'd like that...but it doesn't feel like we're an "item" or anything. Maybe she is just going slow because of my situation?
Argh, women are quite confusing.
Sarcastro, though you're generally right quite a few people get into each other in a more accelerated timeframe. I've seen couples that never went on "dates" and just fucked and took it from there to being serious. Although I guess that's more of a dorm thing, but the point stands that there is no ultimate structure for how a relationship is to develop.
So really, so far so good. Don't worry so much. It's totally okay to be excited. Just remember that love makes you retarded, and in being a retarded person, you'll want to take things one step at a time. See up there where you tried to go four steps and things got all tight and confusing and weird in your brain? Ya. Keep to one.
I think you're at 'Sunday and she said she'd like that..' so maybe stay on that one for a bit. Maybe the next step will be a phone call between now and then. No need to get too ahead of yourself, just take'em as they come.
Last girlfriend I started going out with when I was...uh 15? So it was pretty much "Oh, let's be girlfriend and boyfriend" This is all kind've new to me.
We've been friends for about 5 years, so we talk a lot. I'll just see what happens I guess.
I also just realised that the night I felt sick, before going I ate 2 week out of date yoghurt. Might have a little to do with me almost throwing up :P
I still was extremely nervous and a complete mess though :P
Yoghurt is the bane of mankind.
Good luck though - and trust me, women never get less confusing. The user manual is model specific, and not always correct.
I was very nervous though. Even little things like "do I hold her hand? do I walk her to her door" were rampant in my thoughts. I was completely nuts. She obviously had a good time though.
She said she really liked me, and we were...having a good time so to speak. Then she told me she...doesn't know if she's moving too soon with me, and that she doesn't think she's ready for another relationship yet...
Well, completely understandable, she went from one to another, and then from that other, straight to me. Just friends right? wrong.
She keeps telling me she really likes me, kissing me and such. When I dropped her off, she said she'd really like to go out Sunday.
I don't know if I'm ready either? I mean, I like what we're doing now. There doesn't seem much of a difference between this and a relationship. She told me she doesn't want to be with other guys, so it isn't that.
I'm thinking I should just be happy and continue. If it's right, it will naturally move to a relationship. I think we have something good, it's just a little confusing.
I'm happy though
That's the best feeling in the world, isn't it? Yesterday I sent Mrs. SammyF a quick email with the subject line "are you bored yet?" because I knew she had the day off work. The exact same second I hit the "send" button, I got an email from her that said "I'm so bored!"
It's great when you can connect with someone like that.
The key here is to keep communications open without presuring her to rush into something she's not ready for yet (nor should you rush yourself, obv). You don't have to be in a relationship to date someone causally. Nor do you have to date other people for it to qualify as "casual dating." Continue exploring your feelings with one another and let things grow organically from there.
Sounds like you're doing pretty well.
She "doesn't want to fuck me around" and thinks she's going "too soon into a relationship". She doesn't want another guy, and seemed legitimately upset about the whole situation. Yet, she still messages me every day, seems to love hanging out with me, and then wants to make out and stuff. And she still wants to go out Sunday. She's the one who is really initiating all this kissing and stuff. I don't understand why she'd do that, and then say she doesn't want to be in a relationship. It's what it basically is. Because of that, I don't know if I should be backing off romance-wise. I could just go out with her as a friend, and try not to get into romantic situations.
arghhh. That probably didn't make any sense, I've got work today and because of last night, I only got 4 hours sleep :P
Except that that comes with a whole set of expectations and social obligations, along with, as you seem to have contemplated, issues of the past*. There are a lot of elements to a relationship, and I would suggest that you put aside the 'are we an item' concept as much as possible. Don't try to do things - just act, as SammyF notes, organically. Sure, taking initiative at some point is important - but it's not inherently bad that she's doing so. Far from it. I know that it's not really something we can reasonably expect, but you don't need to panic. You're doing fine, so take the opportunity to enjoy it!
* Please realise that this is not me saying 'hay, this girl has problems'. We are shaped by experience, and memories can be very important.
Everyone has problems. It isn't her past, it's a medical thing. She's an amazing person. I think she just wanted to mention it, because it's kinda big.
Well, this is an alt anyway, it's bipolar. I don't know much about it, but apparently it's not severe. She was on medication, but is now off it. It was a bit of a shock to me, she always seems so happy.
Is this really a big deal? She was pretty upset about telling me, thinking I was going to think she was "crazy" and run off. She's an incredibly smart, beautiful and level headed girl, I'm not going anywhere because of something like that.
Bipolar disorder can be significant. It is not guaranteed to destroy your relationship. It's also extremely poorly understood by the populace at large. This, I feel, is likely to be a component in that fear.
Consider her telling you about it an expression of trust, and realise that, although it has the potential to be damaging, this will only be the case if you let it - you seem to have a grasp of it. It'll be fine, as long as you understand.
She told me she just gets depressed these days, none of the other symptoms surrounding it. She's going to a new doctor to get reassessed, but it's pretty worrying. I just want her to be happy.
I'm seeing her tonight, hopefully it goes well.