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Anxious about new girl

jasonlesterjasonlester Registered User regular
edited April 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
A few of you have probably followed my threads regarding a relationship breakup, and now a new girl.

Basically, after me and my girlfriend of 3 years broke up, this other girl conveniently dumps her boyfriend. She's one of, if not my best friend. I've sorted through the heartache from the other girl. There wasn't really any at all. It's been about a month and I feel great. I mean, it felt like our relationship had been dead for at least a year. We constantly fought and I eventually lost emotional connection to her. So even though it hasn't been long since the breakup, it feels like it's been forever. I know I could never be with her again. I don't even want to be friends with her for at least a few years.

I decided I'd just roll with it, and see what happened with the new girl. We started hanging out a lot. Turns out she likes me. I'm terrible with signals, so I always made excuses around that fact.

We went out the other night walking, and eventually ended up making out. It was fair win. I like her. The problem is my anxiety.

I really care about her, and don't want to screw things up. I over analyse, and I get so anxious, I legitimately feel sick to the point of almost throwing up. I am almost certain this sickness is in my head, but I can't do anything to stem it.

I try breathing, I try not thinking about it. On the night, it seemed to come in waves depending on how often I thought about it.

I'm just not sure how to relax? It's really killing me. I'm not worried about exams or tests or anything. Hell, I have one in an hour and feel fine. I just get anxious about her

It's been a long time since this phase in my last relationship, I don't remember being this nervous then.

Does this initial butterfly phase wear off? I really can't calm down. I want to enjoy this, but my brain is making it difficult.

edit: I just can't wrap my head around it. I mean here, I am with a beautiful, completely sober girl who seems legitimately interested in me.

jasonlester on

Posts

  • bsjezzbsjezz Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    there's very little that can make you more anxious than new love

    it means you really really want to be with her. so make sure you take every opportunity you can. the more you see her, the more you'll feel comfortable and you'll be able to relax in your off time

    bsjezz on
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  • FallingmanFallingman Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    It will calm down, I promise.

    All I can suggest is put yourself in situations where you'll be comfortable, select activities that you enjoy (and that she will!).

    Also, try and let go. Whatever will be will be, regardless of how you feel. Relationships always cut through the bullshit. You cant act a certain way round someone you're going to be with, you need to be yourself. If that's not what she's after, then its best in the long run.

    Fallingman on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Mr BlondeMr Blonde Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    If she doesn't already know you might want to let her know about your anxiety. That way if you start sweating or can't eat (eating was my anxiety issue) she won't think you're a weirdo. She'll understand and it will go away eventually after a few dates.

    Mr Blonde on
  • RubberACRubberAC Sidney BC!Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Mr Blonde wrote: »
    If she doesn't already know you might want to let her know about your anxiety. That way if you start sweating or can't eat (eating was my anxiety issue) she won't think you're a weirdo. She'll understand and it will go away eventually after a few dates.

    Definitely tell her you are anxious about it
    for one, she won't think you're avoiding her or being a creepy wacko all the time
    and also she will realize how seriously you take your time together which is a good thing

    RubberAC on
  • KrisKris Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    At least your anxiety isn't getting in the way of the physical aspects, which is more than I can say for the beginning of my current relationship. It'll pass, don't worry. :)

    Kris on
  • MrIamMeMrIamMe Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Tell her so she doesnt start freaking out.

    Say something like "I really like you, and I really want this to work out, but I have an anxiety thing about relationships and I need you to understand if I come off a little crazy"

    Since you were friends first she is more likely to understand.

    MrIamMe on
  • bsjezzbsjezz Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    i don't know. if he's anything like me he'll be anxious in the off-period, but totally relaxed and happy as a goat when they're actually together. if that's the case bringing it up might create a problem when a problem would otherwise not exist

    bsjezz on
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  • jasonlesterjasonlester Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Thanks guys, that's good to know.

    Uh, and in...reply to a few of the PMs, I don't think it's bad enough to warrant Valium :P. Thank you though! I'm seeing her Sunday, I'll have to think of something interesting to do by then.

    jasonlester on
  • DemerdarDemerdar Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Thanks guys, that's good to know.

    Uh, and in...reply to a few of the PMs, I don't think it's bad enough to warrant Valium :P.

    Sounds like I've been asking for the wrong advice. C'mon guys, share the wealth.

    Also, I wouldn't worry about it. It will pass with time.

    Demerdar on
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  • jasonlesterjasonlester Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    We aren't really even "officially" going out. All signals point to she wants to though. So, we're going out again and I'll just see what happens. I mean, we met up, with friends for a few hours, then we hugged and said goodbye.

    The next week we met up, just together for a walk, and ended up making out for at least half an hour. I asked her out on Sunday and she said she'd like that...but it doesn't feel like we're an "item" or anything. Maybe she is just going slow because of my situation?

    Argh, women are quite confusing.

    jasonlester on
  • SamSam Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    you're putting the horse before the cart. just go into this without being so entangled in your expectations and fears, both of which feed off each other. thoughts and emotions are to a certain extent involuntary, but perception and identification with them are in your hands. this means not trying to fight these feelings, merely observing them when they are there. that awareness coupled with a lack of reaction means it doesn't override you. by doing this you don't "overcome" or "defeat" them the way you wish you would, (they don't disappear and get replaced by what you wish you felt like) but you preserve the clarity they would otherwise override.

    Sarcastro, though you're generally right quite a few people get into each other in a more accelerated timeframe. I've seen couples that never went on "dates" and just fucked and took it from there to being serious. Although I guess that's more of a dorm thing, but the point stands that there is no ultimate structure for how a relationship is to develop.

    Sam on
  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    You seem young. Many people date for a while - lets make up an arbitrary number like twelve - and after about twelve dates or so, they decide that they are good with slimming their options for a while. The date, the first hangout or movie or pizza, is the 'going out' part of 'going out' but doesn't immediately mean that you're an item. It is going out in the literal sense, as in going out to do things together.

    So really, so far so good. Don't worry so much. It's totally okay to be excited. Just remember that love makes you retarded, and in being a retarded person, you'll want to take things one step at a time. See up there where you tried to go four steps and things got all tight and confusing and weird in your brain? Ya. Keep to one.

    I think you're at 'Sunday and she said she'd like that..' so maybe stay on that one for a bit. Maybe the next step will be a phone call between now and then. No need to get too ahead of yourself, just take'em as they come.

    Sarcastro on
  • jasonlesterjasonlester Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Well, I'm 19, I'm pretty inexperienced though.

    Last girlfriend I started going out with when I was...uh 15? So it was pretty much "Oh, let's be girlfriend and boyfriend" This is all kind've new to me.

    We've been friends for about 5 years, so we talk a lot. I'll just see what happens I guess.

    I also just realised that the night I felt sick, before going I ate 2 week out of date yoghurt. Might have a little to do with me almost throwing up :P

    I still was extremely nervous and a complete mess though :P

    jasonlester on
  • MrIamMeMrIamMe Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Thats right - blame the yoghurt!

    Yoghurt is the bane of mankind.

    Good luck though - and trust me, women never get less confusing. The user manual is model specific, and not always correct.

    MrIamMe on
  • jasonlesterjasonlester Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    2 weeks! :P come on. I have terrible taste buds too, so it was entirely possible I completely missed it, and just ate the whole thing.

    I was very nervous though. Even little things like "do I hold her hand? do I walk her to her door" were rampant in my thoughts. I was completely nuts. She obviously had a good time though.

    jasonlester on
  • jasonlesterjasonlester Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    She actually said she wanted me to come out tonight, with just her. So I went out, we went to a park, and started talking. She told me some really personal stuff that she hadn't told me (even though we've been friends for 5 years), so I figured I'd tell her. It's pretty strange, we're...really...quite the same. I know what she was talking about, and she knew what I was. It felt really good.

    She said she really liked me, and we were...having a good time so to speak. Then she told me she...doesn't know if she's moving too soon with me, and that she doesn't think she's ready for another relationship yet...

    Well, completely understandable, she went from one to another, and then from that other, straight to me. Just friends right? wrong.

    She keeps telling me she really likes me, kissing me and such. When I dropped her off, she said she'd really like to go out Sunday.

    I don't know if I'm ready either? I mean, I like what we're doing now. There doesn't seem much of a difference between this and a relationship. She told me she doesn't want to be with other guys, so it isn't that.

    I'm thinking I should just be happy and continue. If it's right, it will naturally move to a relationship. I think we have something good, it's just a little confusing.

    I'm happy though :)

    jasonlester on
  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Sounds like she digs being with you, but doesn't want to put you under pressure. I'm sure some peeps will mention a heads up on being in the friend zone, but I don't think that's where this particular situation is headed. Good job!

    Sarcastro on
  • SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    It's pretty strange, we're...really...quite the same. I know what she was talking about, and she knew what I was. It felt really good.

    That's the best feeling in the world, isn't it? Yesterday I sent Mrs. SammyF a quick email with the subject line "are you bored yet?" because I knew she had the day off work. The exact same second I hit the "send" button, I got an email from her that said "I'm so bored!"

    It's great when you can connect with someone like that.
    Well, completely understandable, she went from one to another, and then from that other, straight to me. Just friends right? wrong.

    She keeps telling me she really likes me, kissing me and such. When I dropped her off, she said she'd really like to go out Sunday.

    I don't know if I'm ready either? I mean, I like what we're doing now. There doesn't seem much of a difference between this and a relationship. She told me she doesn't want to be with other guys, so it isn't that.

    The key here is to keep communications open without presuring her to rush into something she's not ready for yet (nor should you rush yourself, obv). You don't have to be in a relationship to date someone causally. Nor do you have to date other people for it to qualify as "casual dating." Continue exploring your feelings with one another and let things grow organically from there.

    Sounds like you're doing pretty well.

    SammyF on
  • jasonlesterjasonlester Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I don't think I'm in the friend zone...she seems really into me. REALLY :| really. I just don't know how to act now. I mean, she told me something that she was extremely afraid of telling me, because she thought I'd run away.

    She "doesn't want to fuck me around" and thinks she's going "too soon into a relationship". She doesn't want another guy, and seemed legitimately upset about the whole situation. Yet, she still messages me every day, seems to love hanging out with me, and then wants to make out and stuff. And she still wants to go out Sunday. She's the one who is really initiating all this kissing and stuff. I don't understand why she'd do that, and then say she doesn't want to be in a relationship. It's what it basically is. Because of that, I don't know if I should be backing off romance-wise. I could just go out with her as a friend, and try not to get into romantic situations.

    arghhh. That probably didn't make any sense, I've got work today and because of last night, I only got 4 hours sleep :P

    jasonlester on
  • LindenLinden Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    I don't understand why she'd do that, and then say she doesn't want to be in a relationship. It's what it basically is.

    Except that that comes with a whole set of expectations and social obligations, along with, as you seem to have contemplated, issues of the past*. There are a lot of elements to a relationship, and I would suggest that you put aside the 'are we an item' concept as much as possible. Don't try to do things - just act, as SammyF notes, organically. Sure, taking initiative at some point is important - but it's not inherently bad that she's doing so. Far from it. I know that it's not really something we can reasonably expect, but you don't need to panic. You're doing fine, so take the opportunity to enjoy it!

    * Please realise that this is not me saying 'hay, this girl has problems'. We are shaped by experience, and memories can be very important.

    Linden on
  • jasonlesterjasonlester Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Yeah, I am enjoying it. I think I'm actually happier there ISN'T an obligation. I wouldn't do anything with anyone else ANYWAY, it just feels nice to be relaxed and not stressing about as you said, the social expectations and obligations.

    Everyone has problems. It isn't her past, it's a medical thing. She's an amazing person. I think she just wanted to mention it, because it's kinda big.

    Well, this is an alt anyway, it's bipolar. I don't know much about it, but apparently it's not severe. She was on medication, but is now off it. It was a bit of a shock to me, she always seems so happy.

    Is this really a big deal? She was pretty upset about telling me, thinking I was going to think she was "crazy" and run off. She's an incredibly smart, beautiful and level headed girl, I'm not going anywhere because of something like that.

    jasonlester on
  • LindenLinden Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    Everyone has problems. It isn't her past, it's a medical thing. She's an amazing person. I think she just wanted to mention it, because it's kinda big.
    Honestly, I wasn't even referencing that. I was focusing entirely on "another relationship yet".
    Well, this is an alt anyway, it's bipolar. I don't know much about it, but apparently it's not severe. She was on medication, but is now off it. It was a bit of a shock to me, she always seems so happy.

    Is this really a big deal? She was pretty upset about telling me, thinking I was going to think she was "crazy" and run off. She's an incredibly smart, beautiful and level headed girl, I'm not going anywhere because of something like that.
    Bipolar disorder can be significant. It is not guaranteed to destroy your relationship. It's also extremely poorly understood by the populace at large. This, I feel, is likely to be a component in that fear.
    Consider her telling you about it an expression of trust, and realise that, although it has the potential to be damaging, this will only be the case if you let it - you seem to have a grasp of it. It'll be fine, as long as you understand.

    Linden on
  • jasonlesterjasonlester Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    How do I not let it get damaging? I don't really know much about it, other than it can be really bad.

    She told me she just gets depressed these days, none of the other symptoms surrounding it. She's going to a new doctor to get reassessed, but it's pretty worrying. I just want her to be happy.

    jasonlester on
  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    If its being managed, and it sounds like it is, there's no problem until there's a problem. Which may very well be never.

    Sarcastro on
  • jasonlesterjasonlester Registered User regular
    edited April 2009
    She isn't on meds right at this moment. It was only really diagnosed a few months ago.

    I'm seeing her tonight, hopefully it goes well.

    jasonlester on
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