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Will bipolar ruin my relationship?
mooshoepork
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Just started dating a girl. She's funny, sweet, smart and beautiful. She told me she had bipolar last night, and at the moment, it isn't treated.
It's recently diagnosed, she's tried one medication, but she had a bad reaction, and hasn't gone back to her doctor (who is a conservative idiot by the way)
She...never seems upset or manic since I've known her. She assures me that when she is, I'll be running for the hills. She cuts herself maybe once every two months. This isn't good obviously.
I don't know what to do. Or what I can do. I barely understand it. I'm trying to be there for her. She talks to me a lot about it, and we're pretty close. (Been best friends for 5 years). This is big though. I'm 19, she is 18. Can this work? I want to beleive it can. I want to beleive I can be there for her, and help her. I want someone to tell me that once properly medicated it is manageable.
I'm really concerned about her
I'm just afraid she's going to do something stupid. Will it always be like this? Will life with her always be on the edge? Will she always feel like she does?
It's recently diagnosed, she's tried one medication, but she had a bad reaction, and hasn't gone back to her doctor (who is a conservative idiot by the way)
She...never seems upset or manic since I've known her. She assures me that when she is, I'll be running for the hills. She cuts herself maybe once every two months. This isn't good obviously.
I don't know what to do. Or what I can do. I barely understand it. I'm trying to be there for her. She talks to me a lot about it, and we're pretty close. (Been best friends for 5 years). This is big though. I'm 19, she is 18. Can this work? I want to beleive it can. I want to beleive I can be there for her, and help her. I want someone to tell me that once properly medicated it is manageable.
I'm really concerned about her
I'm just afraid she's going to do something stupid. Will it always be like this? Will life with her always be on the edge? Will she always feel like she does? 
mooshoepork on
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If you care about her you will do what it takes to get her on the meds. Trust me, biopolar people unmedicated are human wrecking balls... get a new Doctor if she doesn't like the one she already has.
Do not think you can handle it. You can't, its a very serious mental disorder and needs to be medicated.
With the right meds, bipolar people are fairly reasonable - they are not perfect (who is?), but it is manageable and their true personality isn't periodically nuked by craziness. In any event, everyone is different and you'll have to assess that for yourself once she is properly medicated.
Probably the best you can do to help her is learn as much about the condition as possible, encourage her to find a good doctor and therapist and get on the correct medication. A close friend can be a vital ally in achieving a good prognosis as they can learn to recognise the behavioural tells that predict mood swings and assisting in coping with them.
Yeah its part of the disorder.
You need to be straight about it and just say how scared you are and how much you need her to do this for you... basically you need to flip that switch in her head that wants to destroy everything (hence the self harm) into a mode of preservation.
You can't let it go - she has to do this or you need to run for the hills (ie nothing further than friendship). Believe that. There is no middle ground... because this ridiculous emo bullshit will be never ending otherwise and it'll wear you out and leave you wrecked.
So, in response to the title of the thread... yeah, if it's untreated, probably.
Recovery
A naturalistic study from first admission for mania or mixed episode (representing the hospitalized and therefore most severe cases) found that 50% achieved syndromal recovery (no longer meeting criteria for the diagnosis) within six weeks and 98% within two years
It may help to try and shift her into a positive mood swing, regular exercise might give her a boost.
mooshoe: the figures you quoted are from this study. I guess true?
Yes.
Maybe.
All anybody can tell you is what the meds *should* do. Medication response is a HIGHLY individualized thing, and none of us can tell you what to expect with any given medication, especially if she's already proven allergic to one.
It's also entirely up to her. The best you can do is try to talk her into seeing a different therapist, and if she's had a bad experience she may be reluctant. As a fairly new addition to her life, she may not want to hear a lot of nagging on the subject from you, so you need to be careful in your approach. She's been dealing with herself a lot longer than you, and may or may not appreciate the outsider's perspective.
It's cool if you really like her and are worried about her and just want to help her, but even so you might want to think about how much you're willing to take. None of this means you need to let yourself become an emotional doormat. I think it can be really easy to lose yourself in another's mental disorder.
Will the bipolar ruin your relationship? I dunno. Maybe? If she's not actively doing anything to try to control it (meds, therapy, journals, etc) then.. maybe. It's a real possibility. Does it mean you should give up on the whole thing now? Probably not. It depends a lot on how severely she expresses it, how often, how aware of it she is, and how much you can deal with.
When I was younger, I did some crazy shit. I'm pretty sure people could tell something was up, especially in my late teens and early twenties, and I know I ruined a relationship or two. Now my husband says he really can't tell, but I've internalized much of it, and it's worth noting that I'm type II bipolar anyway so it really doesn't look the same. Personally, in recent years I've found therapy to be the best outlet for me, far preferable to medication. That's just me, and for her it will probably look very different.
Is it for the rest of her life? Probably. You need to be prepared for that possibility. It's a strong one.
This chick tried to kill her self several times, I was young and stupid and looked past it.
My advice is don't look past it.
Maybe I'm shallow or what ever, but I've got a rule about dating bi-polar chicks, especially if it's uncontrolled or medicated. Now, they can be mild or what ever and I could deal with it, but...
Would make me run for the hills.
Your stance on the matter is surely different than mine, but I got my stance based on experience.
My siblings and I have some sort of odd attraction to the crazies. Sister, and both brothers married people with some major mental issues. (2/3 divorced now).
Just really think about if you can deal with it. If she is consistent about her med's and stuff like that then it can be a non-issue. In my experience I've never seen someone be completely consistent about psych meds, and when they miss a dose it can be explosive. Maybe I've just got bad luck and anyone with Bi-Polar or manic depression has just been extreme cases, but I'm not so sure.
Just be aware that if you stick it out for the long haul it will be a roller-coaster, and very emotionally stressful at times.
Yes you can have a normal and meaningful relationship, but it will be harder to maintain it.
Normally it would make me run for the hills, but...she's made a lot of progress. I can see her doing well. Compared to what she was like 3 years ago, ie, cutting herself a LOT, she has improved, and seems to understand that she needs help.
I'm just scared for her, and us, but I think I'll just try my best. See how it goes.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
Yes, if bi-polar disorder (or whatever variant she has been diagnosed for) is properly medicated, it is manageable. Key terms there is “properly medicated†and “manageableâ€. But the problem from reading your OP and subsequent posts is that it seems that she doesn’t particularly want to medicate or manage it, and no matter how well you think she’s doing without professional help, you’re only brushing the bigger problems under the rug. After all, If she can't/won't really help herself, how can you expect to help her?
Another thing is that you are 19. You honestly don't know...well, anything. Now's not the time to be committing to a person who may/may not be treating a serious psychological disorder.
My advice is that if you want to be her friend and support her, that's fine. But absolutely do not get involved with her romantically, because you will not be doing yourself, or her, any favors.
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: It's really hard. Bad mental disorders can really fuck up a relationship, because if you guys get really close, she's likely to start bringing you down with her into crazytown when her issues flare up. If you have your own crazy that you need to deal with, you two are likely to feed off each other and both get worse. If you don't have your own crazy, you may start showing signs of developing one.
Mental illnesses aren't contagious, obviously, but spending a lot of time and developing a close relationship with someone who isn't treating their bipolar disorder isn't going to be good for your brain unless you know how to stay distanced, and staying distanced is hard when you love a person.
Get the fuck out now, don't stop running, and don't look back.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
It'll take two to tango - just don't fall into the trap of trying to save her. She needs to want it herself badly.
At most I would be a friend. The people screaming "GTFO" obviously wouldn't be able to handle a relationship like this, and that is there opinion, but I would get things rolling at a supportive and cautious distance. I would hold off on a relationship and work towards a friendship for now because one of the loneliest things can be having a stigmatized mental illness.
Take a look at the stories that bi-polar people tell and then ask yourself if you think you can handle it or not.
Could you handle her being wildly promiscuous?
Could you handle her spending everything in your savings account on something frivolous?
Could you handle her thinking you're a hit man and hiding in the attic with your 4 year old daughter?
Could you handle her making out with some strange guy or ex boyfriend (in front of you) and then have her tell you that YOU'RE over-reacting and that you are the one that is acting wierd?
Every case and every story is different but there will be times when she slips and you're the one that is going to take the brunt of her actions.
You need to be ready and you need to be informed.
http://www.mental-health-today.com/bp/story.htm
http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-stories.html
Read up my young friend. Talk to people who have been through it. Encourage her to do the same. If you are in love with her, know that this road is not going to be easy but it can be traveled.
You both need information. Talk to your doctor, your therapist, your parents, your pastor/priest/rabbi etc. Know what you are getting into.
What's even more important is that SHE knows too. She has to want the help.
One bad experience with one medication is pretty much a given when they are trying to find the right combination. That part is going to be trial and error and it's going to take awhile.
Seriously, what is her committment to getting help? When you can guage that, maybe you will be able to determine what your committment to her will be.
People do react differently to medications for this. I have a weird form of the disorder so I might have had a harder time than many in finding the correct medication for me, but I went through 3 medications before finding one that worked (the fourth one). That process took about 2 years and 3 admissions to psychiatric hospitals.
While things are being worked out, it's tough. She has very little control over her emotions when shit strikes. This isn't an excuse, really, it's just something to know. I had a very hard time with some situations because I'd know how I should be reacting and simply couldn't. It's very frustrating to be in that situation.
That being said, once the proper medication is found, the person basically becomes like everyone else. None of my friends except for my girlfriend know I have this disorder and I basically act like everyone else. The disorder is very manageable with correct medication. I will have to take the medication for the rest of my life, and as somebody else mentioned there is the issue of developing resistance to it and having to switch to a new one. However, while on a medication that works, the person is totally "normal", in that the disorder doesn't impact life that much.
I still get my mood swings, but what medication does is it lets you control them and the extent to which they affect you. So, she will have to learn how to do that even if she is on medication.
I would say, get her to find the right medication. It takes work and time, but once she finds it she'll be fine (or should be - clearly, some people have a harder time than others). If you really do want to stay with her, encourage her to work on it.
If you want to talk to somebody who has the disorder and has worked through/past it, feel free to PM me. Maybe I can answer some questions.
Yay Nost!
Also, keep in mind that she might not be bipolar. Claiming to be mentally ill is one of many things silly teenage girls will do to get attention. And that can be a sign of other personality disorders.
Whatever you do, do not have unprotected sex with this girl until you’re sure she’s had it together for a good year. It is common for people in a manic state to get horny and make lots of stupid decisions about sex. Do not put yourself at risk of getting a disease from, or impregnating, a manic girl.
This is the most important thing. If you were dating a girl who's funny, sweet, smart, beautiful, and had diabetes, would you be posting in this thread? What about if she was deaf? Or all the women in her family had breast cancer? Mental illness is just like any other illness. Something you can either choose to help someone work through, or move on. I'm pretty sure any life long illness is going to be hard to deal with, and put a strain on the relationship.
To address your first point, you have no idea how long it will take her to find the right medication. The "right one" could be the next one she tries. It's also usually pretty obvious if the medication isn't working. If she has a decent doctor, it shouldn't take that long. part of what made my diagnosis take so long was that for the first year they thought I had depression, not bipolar. It really shouldn't take long to get under control once she really starts trying.
As for her claiming to be bipolar, I get the impression that she's actually been diagnosed (from the fact that the OP says she is). I doubt it's an attention-getting move if it's actually diagnosed.
As for the horny thing, yes, that's true.
I would also add to this something about the cutting issue. While it's true that for many people it starts as an attention-getting thing and remains that way, it can actually be psychologically addictive for many people. For that reason it is very difficult to get over, even if you want to stop. I'm not saying that's what has happened in her case, just that it's possible.
Basically, don't just write her off as being a crazy. It seems like you aren't and that is good (and I agree with how RocketSauce put it).
She needs to see a doctor who isn't "a conservative idiot." She needs to get her diagnosis corroborated. She needs to get on a medication that works. And she needs to go to therapy.
It's totally okay to be in a relationship with somebody with a mental illness. However, they need to do the basic minimum to take care of themselves before they're ready to be a relationship. If she's taking care of it, and she's got it under control, then it's not a big deal - it's like being with somebody with diabetes (as RocketSauce described). If she doesn't have it under control, then you're getting together with a crazy chick.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Love and sex can be scary or impossible for someone who's bipolar. But I guess they're scary and impossible for a lot of people who aren't bipolar, too...
Most important thing, and as cliche as it sounds, it's to remember that it's not your fault/you can't make it better.
There were days that my mom would lock herself in her room and not come out, and even to this days she still has a few burnt/cut marks from years ago. It sucks a lot, but you can't blame yourself, or you'll end up in a bad place yourself.
I'm not going to run. I can't just let it go without giving it a shot.
To some of the questions:
She has been diagnosed. She only recently got off her last medication. She's finding a new doctor. I'm not sure how fast she's finding one though, HENCE, I am going to talk to her about it tonight. There's no way I'm pursuing a relationship with her (even if it doesn't seem that bad from what I've seen, from her ex-bfs and so forth) unless she is properly medicated.
It'd suck of the only reason she was promiscuous and into me because of the bipolar.
They can work out fine. My father finally had an incident that he took enough to heart
So if you think she's an awesome person when she's not tilt'd the mental pinball table, keep at her till she get the right meds, and try to be supportive and all that.
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Fixed...
Just don't let this become an all-consuming crusade to save one disturbed girl. I'd hate to see you go down in flames if she suddenly decides she doesn't want your help (or, god forbid, plays up the symptoms to get attention).
Thank you, Rubacava!
I've been lurking on PA for a while and this is something I actually have quite a bit of experience with. First post on these forums for me though woo!
I dated a girl for about a year when I was in college, I was about 20-21 and she was 18 - 19, who had a set of problems almost exactly like yours. She knew she had mental issues (bipolar, depression), she had divorce in the parents and abuse history, and she had been through some medication regimes that had not worked. The thing to remember is that you are going to be coming in at a time when she is going to developing and changing A LOT as a human - as someone said, during college, you become the person you will be for the rest of your life.
However, there are growing pains involved.
I took a stab at this without asking for advice. I thought I could stick with it and help her through her serious issues. This just ended up grinding me down.
My pieces of advice from this experience are these:
1. Be VERY careful about alcohol. This caused a number of cuttings and a suicide attempt.
2. Promiscuity and high sexual libido often come hand in hand with this. Sometimes people just happen to be horny, but it's also an addiction to the rush of chemicals and endorphins ("feel good") you get from orgasms - just like the chemicals that are released by cutting. This is how it was with my ex gf.
3. If there are male figures in her life that she has hated or had issues with, do not let yourself become those in her eyes. This is actually very hard, because it WILL start to happen no matter what you do and how much you try to care for her if you do not do something about medications for her issues. She'll also know it's happening, and she won't like it, but there won't be anything she can do about it. With my ex gf, I found myself thinking "This is how she treats / what she says to her dad" a lot. It's a horrible feeling, and the fact that it happened without me being able to do anything about it was the one that I couldn't handle.
4. People have not stressed enough that she must be able to want to do this. My ex gf, even though she had tried to commit suicide numerous times before meeintg me, wanted to "work through it on her own." She couldn't, and tried committing suicide at my place while I was nearly asleep - though this is what finally convinced her to start meds. You may have to come in and stop whatever it is she's doing. You will spend many nights without any sleep helping her. Sometimes they just have to do it through trial and error before finally being convinced drugs or therapy are needed. If you have enough patience to make it through that, and still have your relationship unscarred, I applaud you. And trust me it WILL take a lot.
If she gets meds, but doesn't want to do it, then she'll just stop taking them. How can anyone know? All she has to do is flush it.
5. When she finally does start taking medication, don't breathe easy just yet. The stuff might not behave the way you think it does. "Cautious optimism" is the way to go. In addition, back to #1, alcohol can be very dangerous with a lot of mental drugs.
I realize that everyone is different but I feel there are some similarities between your situation and mine. I just want you to know what is coming so that way it doesn't catch you completely off guard.
Just remember to keep your patience, keep your cool, and remember that the things you get blamed for are not actually your fault, but the illness's. Sadly, it will be hard to convince her of that.
In addition, do not confuse all this closeness while you're working with her through this illness with a real relationship. You'll know the real relationship from that stuff, and depending on how lucky you are it will be in bursts of time, be it minutes, hours, days, weeks, months.
If you have some specific questions you want more private feel free to PM me.
Just do it. Even if she threatens to do whatever, just ignore her. What she does to herself is not your fault, whatever she may say. Cutting and suicide are decisions she makes, you are not forcing her into anything.
It's natural to feel bad about it, but in the end, that's how it's going to be. You'll feel bad if anything happens to her, but it isn't your fault. If she knows that making threats will make you stay with her, she'll just keep doing it any time it comes up. Better to not start a pattern and just break cleanly the first time.
Agreed. Waiting for a time "that is good" will never happen - I made the mistake of waiting literally months for this.
I'm taking this casually at the moment. We aren't boyfriend and girlfriend, we're just "seeing each other" We're both out of fairly long-term relationships and want to take it slow. She wants to sort her stuff out before she gets together with me, because she thinks she'll screw it up. I don't know where this is going to go, I'm definiately not jumping head first into it.
I think she'll be okay though. She's a strong person. Once she figures out what she needs to do hopefully it will be manageable. I did let her know what I thought though, in regards to medication. I have a feeling she will go on it. If she doesn't, depending on if I even NOTICE her doing something, or hear of her cutting, I'll be breaking it off. Seems the most sensible thing to do. I care about her, but she's gotta want it. There's no point me getting emotionally invested and then treated like a doormat because she doesn't want help.
I'm leaving the ball in her court.
Thanks guys.
I dunno buddy, when I talk to this friend of mine and she's on a "downswing", I can't even talk to her. She's so spiteful and rude it's not even worth it.
I mean, nothing against your girlfriend, but assuming she's been diagnosed properly, it could be really hard to be in a relationship with a person like that if she goes unmedicated.
I'm sure there are varying degrees of severity. Hers is unnoticable. To me at least...I'm still making sure she is okay though and supporting her. I'm just glad it isn't worse. She really is a great girl.
My sister's bipolar. She was diagnosed a little earlier than your friend, from the sounds of things (I think she was 15 or 16). If my sister was any indication, your friend and those who care about her are in for a tough couple of years before the doctors have everything straight.
As for your friend's doctor: Always keep in mind that the medicines the doctors are prescribing are literally fucking with your friend's already fucked-up brain chemistry. If the doctor wasn't being conservative, s/he'd be an careless asshole. The ones you stay away from are those who aggressively pursue courses of treatment with newly diagnosed people, not the ones who are cautious and take things a step (or even half step) at a time.
Also, to hear it from my sister, every doctor she's seen has been an asshole one way or the other. Take your friend's opinion of her doc with a grain of salt, and do your best to help her mitigate any desire to push the doctor along more aggressively!
Be ready for anything and understand that you may never get to know who that person really is. It's a terrible thing to have to live through or with. If you sign up for it you better throw yourself into it 100%. You have to be amazingly strong to face the darkness that sometimes wells up out of people struggling with bipolar disorder. The hardest thing of all is sharing hopes, dreams and love with someone like this and then watching that rational and loving person just melt away and be replaced by a stranger for long periods of time. I've never felt more alone and hopeless than when she was like that. The only way I made it through those times was with the support of family and friends.
Build a support network. Nobody can handle it alone.
It really put life into perspective for me. I don't think I'll ever take friends, family and loved ones for granted ever again.