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Complex Sex Question
QQ2U
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
So I've been going out with a great person for about a year - the communication is very open and we've been very forthcoming with anything that has been bothering us, but lately something has been bugging her in regards to her sex drive. Let me explain some things about my girlfriend who we will refer to as Sara.
The "problem" if you want to call it that:
1. She has a low sex drive. By that, I mean she has told me that there have been plenty of times where she mentally wants to have sex (intercourse) but her body isn't in the mood. After 15-30-45 minutes of foreplay, this does not change. I have made it explicitly known that I'm satisfied with doing things whenever she is in the mood, but she says to me that her frustration stems from wanting to have intercourse, but her body not being in the mood. She feels like she is broken since she can go months without wanting anything, but I have reinforced the idea repeatedly that people are very different and that it isn't that big of a deal, but it has been bugging her.
2. When we do have sex, it hurts. I have lubed up pretty thoroughly, had extensive foreplay prior to entering her, and she even feels moist, but she says the pain is still there. The only time we have been able to experience pain free sex is when she's inebriated. I think a lot of the pain is psychological, as her one and only previous boyfriend was a colossus in the manhood department and the first, and only time they ever did it was a moderately poor experience, as it hurt and after about a minute she said no more. I think the problem is whenever she thinks intercourse she thinks pain, but I'm not entirely sure.
Quick snippets of info that might help complete the picture.
1. Sara has never masturbated for pleasure for two reasons: never had the urge and she says she feels awkward doing it.
2. She is not at all shy of sex acts, so it's not that she doesn't masturbate due to a protestant upbringing or something.
3. This isn't a "she isn't matching my sex drive" thread because truthfully I enjoy her so much more for the things we do together. I want the sex to be fun and when we both want it - it isn't something that is a major priority for me.
4. She is not on birth control, so that isn't affecting her sex drive.
So I guess the reason why we are seeking help is to find answers to these questions: when someone mentally wants to participate in intercourse but physically is not horny, is this tied to something that can be adjusted so that they have both mental and physical drives? And two - is there anything else we might be able to try so that intercourse is satisfying for both of us while sober?
Thanks for helping.
The "problem" if you want to call it that:
1. She has a low sex drive. By that, I mean she has told me that there have been plenty of times where she mentally wants to have sex (intercourse) but her body isn't in the mood. After 15-30-45 minutes of foreplay, this does not change. I have made it explicitly known that I'm satisfied with doing things whenever she is in the mood, but she says to me that her frustration stems from wanting to have intercourse, but her body not being in the mood. She feels like she is broken since she can go months without wanting anything, but I have reinforced the idea repeatedly that people are very different and that it isn't that big of a deal, but it has been bugging her.
2. When we do have sex, it hurts. I have lubed up pretty thoroughly, had extensive foreplay prior to entering her, and she even feels moist, but she says the pain is still there. The only time we have been able to experience pain free sex is when she's inebriated. I think a lot of the pain is psychological, as her one and only previous boyfriend was a colossus in the manhood department and the first, and only time they ever did it was a moderately poor experience, as it hurt and after about a minute she said no more. I think the problem is whenever she thinks intercourse she thinks pain, but I'm not entirely sure.
Quick snippets of info that might help complete the picture.
1. Sara has never masturbated for pleasure for two reasons: never had the urge and she says she feels awkward doing it.
2. She is not at all shy of sex acts, so it's not that she doesn't masturbate due to a protestant upbringing or something.
3. This isn't a "she isn't matching my sex drive" thread because truthfully I enjoy her so much more for the things we do together. I want the sex to be fun and when we both want it - it isn't something that is a major priority for me.
4. She is not on birth control, so that isn't affecting her sex drive.
So I guess the reason why we are seeking help is to find answers to these questions: when someone mentally wants to participate in intercourse but physically is not horny, is this tied to something that can be adjusted so that they have both mental and physical drives? And two - is there anything else we might be able to try so that intercourse is satisfying for both of us while sober?
Thanks for helping.
QQ2U on
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In short, if you always approach this the same way, she might figure she's going to be bad at sex, and therefore not get into it and therefore be bad at it. Spicing up the locations or time of day can help in these situations.
If she truly does just have a low sex drive, perhaps she could feel better about sex with you if you had instances where you had sex even though she wasn't into it -- it was "sex for you" -- and you used plenty of lube and simply enjoyed yourself, without any of the emotional baggage she may equate with sex. It might get her past the trouble of her performance.
As for the pain, if she's pain-free while inebriated, then perhaps she should simply take a shot 30 minutes prior to sex? Given the other problems, I wouldn't be surprised if this is a mental thing that's expressing itself physically. The size of her old boyfriend's penis shouldn't affect her now at all, but a mental problem from a past boyfriend or from a negative experience in her youth would absolutely affect her (and is commony the cause for symptoms like you describe).
Needless to say, this is a very complex issue that could have multiple causes. The fact that she says it bugs her (and not that it's bugging you and she is ok with it) suggests that she would be receptive to you nudging her towards seeing a therapist, or at least mentioning it to her gyno. In some cases that would be selfish, but she is obviously comfortable discussing the problems with you and since you say that she's bothered by it herself I think that asking her to discuss it with her doctor is appropriate.
Shogun Streams Vidya
I think this comes down to her not comfortable with herself, relaxing, giving in to lust and letting go. She needs to become familiar with herself, her body, and the feelings of pleasure she can bring about.
You two should get a vibrator. Something small and simple. Spend some nights where there's no sex planned, only playing with the vibrator, getting used to it, and how she feels with it. Spend time where you and her learn how she can feel good with it, and essentially help her figure out how to derive pleasure from her body. Eventually she should become comfortable with playing with the vibrator herself, and she should take time to herself for that.
The goal of all this is for her to explore her body and learn how to bring about pleasurable feelings, and to be comfortable doing so. She'll have learned how it feels to be physically and mentally turned on, and that can come about easier. You two will be able to spend time in foreplay and really get both of you turned on, and the sex will be much better for both of you.
She may have a nutritional deficiency which is affecting her hormone balance (hence the zinc suggestion earlier.) Also, if she's not in shape, that could be taking a toll on her libido.
Exercise helps boost hormone levels and get people more physically in the mood.
I think she should still see a doctor about it though. As good as Dragon's advice is, being open and gentle and taking things slow and relaxing are all going to be pointless and lead to more frustration if she literally has no libido (which is a genuine possibility).
Could it be in her head? Yep. Could it be real? Yep.
If there was an easy cure for low sex drive, somebody I've never heard of would be a billionaire by now.
I liked the idea of trying different positions, if the problem is physical, it could help. Play around a bit, missionary, legs up, legs down, behind (doggie) behind hips up, have her lay on her side, straddle her leg, if not so much, try her other side.
Try and pinpoint the source of the pain, see if you can trigger it with fingers. If fingers is good, and you don't feel anything out of the ordinary yourself (cyst or polyp or something similar, rough patch in the smooth, etc), then a quick trip to the doc to rule out cervical bruising, ovarian cysts, endomitriosis, etc, will more or less tell you the issue is something psychological.
Heads up on that; just because its something self-created doesn't make it any less 'real', so proceed with patience and empathy. As for the low-drive issue itself, other than finding things that do work, that is to say a list of things that does turn her crank, theres not a lot of easy answers. Diet and exercise, stress management, care and attention- these are all ways to gradually increase drive over time.
There's no 'cure' all, and even at best, it's unlikely the results will be staggering- simply a more enhanced version of what already exists.
For all things psychological the option always exists to find a psychologist who specializes in this sort of couples counseling. This may be a bit expensive but if you're planning on sticking with this relationship for the long haul it might be best to get things worked out now rather than later.
There are of course countless websites as well as non-internet sources of advice for 'spicing' things up. I don't know that anyone has suggested watching erotic/pornographic movies together. I'm assuming you two are old enough that a playful trip to your local "Lion's Den" or similar store might be possible. There's planning things out (which can be good but also make things feel stale) but if you maybe get a toy that you both enjoy or that she likes and your comfortable with (I know some guys can't really deal with handling a toy for/with their girl) then you've got something around that's ready to go when you are.
To me, that reads a lot like "my girl is crazy frisky after she's had 2 beers, but normally she's really uptight about sex" which is typically a mental issue, rather than a physical one.
Alcohol does dull pain...
She's not very sexually experienced. Besides the OP, she's only had sex once before with another guy and it was terrible. She doesn't masterbate. After a lot of foreplay, she's moist, not wet. To me this sounds like she's not relaxed, and she's not turned on. This sort of situation happens to a LOT of girls.
She needs to relax. That's probably why she doesn't feel pain after she's been drinking; her body's naturally relaxed. Obviously don't drink to get her to relax, get to the source of the problem: she needs to get physically turned on. She's gotta learn to give herself pleasure, so she gets to know her body and train it and her mind to be able to get turned on. After she learns to feel pleasure and learn what turns her on, she can show you what does it for her and you two can have great foreplay and then great sex.
If she's not figuring this out from foreplay, maybe she needs some private time to learn. Also if she can get comfortable using a vibrator, that'll speed up the process and bring about much more pleasure. After she figures out what makes her tick and how to get off, then your problems are solved!
The OP said, "She has a low sex drive. By that, I mean she has told me that there have been plenty of times where she mentally wants to have sex (intercourse) but her body isn't in the mood." That's a very different problem than what you're talking about, and if she has a hormonal problem that's causing low libido all the foreplay and vibrators and and practice isn't going to make a lick of difference.
You advice is all good, but it's good assuming that the problem's all in her head. Just telling her that she just needs to keep trying different things is counter-productive if her body is not going to cooperate no matter what.
Assuming the problem is her inexperience is a good place to start. Jumping to conclusions like physical or hormonal problems is a bit of a stretch. Try my advice, if it doesn't get her anywhere then see a doctor about it. Any good doctor/therapist would suggest a bit of self learning and exploration before hormonal treatment or pills or anything.
Usually the simplest explanation is the right one. Non experience here is the simplest explanation.
Indeed, I agree that seeing a doctor would be a good next step as well.
Yeah, sex isn't very spontaneous and much of the time I'm personally nervous about going for intercourse or even other forms of sex when she isn't in the mood, but she has said that line about mentally wanting but physically not wanting as a reason for at least trying and seeing if she gets in the mood, which is sometimes manageable. She has said repeatedly "I'm broken. I'm never going to be able to..." etc. So I think it's a major mental hurdle for her.
I'm going to have to try that - she has actually encouraged this and we did it once. This is the route we were approaching the situation with before I posted here. I'm hoping it works - I actually lubed up what I thought was a lot last time and she still felt pain - I'm not particularly large either, but we'll have to see what we can do. So far she has been on top and we've done missionary, and both positions appear to give her pain. I'll try other positions and see if it makes a difference. The odd thing is it feels like she is really smooth - I don't feel her really tightening up, but there's still that pain. It might be physical, so a doctor's visit might be in order.
I've brought this up with her - and you're absolutely right about her not being comfortable with herself and letting go. Like she says she is so focused on relaxing that she forgets about just enjoying herself, which I think might be part of the problem (the assumption is that by relaxing herself and not tightening up there won't be as much pain due to friction).
The thing about masturbation and vibrators is I have brought them up to her, but she thinks both are "weird" in a way. Like, she won't judge me for masturbating or turning myself on - she encourages it and likes it, but when it comes to herself she has never, ever explored her own body, and thus a vibrator is farther from her reach than pleasuring herself. I have to say that it's been pretty difficult trying to figure out what pleases her since she hasn't really done homework on herself, but there are certain things I know she likes and absolutely doesn't.
I can try encouraging her to masturbate more, but as I said earlier, she says she just isn't that horny. Or she might have felt too weird to ever explore it, but I think it might be the former only because I think she would have attempted it if she was horny and wanted to be satisfied.
She is 110 pounds 5'7" but doesn't exercise at all and is pretty out of shape. However, the few time I have gone hiking with her she kept up to me on a really difficult 3 hour climb. I mean, I'm in damn good shape and even she didn't look as phased as me, but she's a pretty competitive person, so that may have been pushing her forward haha.
She looks pretty healthy and has the figure of a ballerina and is just as flexible, but she has little muscle or whatnot and can't run more than half a mile without dying.
Haha, there is no way she would watch porn with me. She has no desire to and she finds it kinda ridiculous. If we went to that kind of store, I'm not sure what we would even pick up considering my previous comments on vibrators and whatnot. As far as spicing stuff up - I think that'll come in what we physically do with each other without the aid of toys and whatnot.
I think what changes when she has alcohol is that she has very few inhibitions and the pain is numbed to an insane degree. Sometimes one finger in can be troublesome or not all that fun for her, two would be "no way," but last weekend when we came back from going out, I could do two fingers no problem - she didn't even blink.
I think like people said - it's kind of difficult to focus on the potential mental issues at play here when we haven't ruled out if something is physically troubling her. I think finding a good gyno (she has one, but he's weird supposedly and she hasn't been to him in a while, maybe 2+ years) is the first step to approaching this problem.
The second thing we might do immediately is talk about masturbation a bit more and see if she can get over the mental hurdle of thinking it's weird. I mean, she can do tons of different sex, but when it comes to this, it's strange - she doesn't judge others, but doesn't do it herself, which I feel has limited her ability to communicate what she really enjoys and what she doesn't.
The third thing is nutrition...She eats about 1000 to 2500 calories on any given day. It fluctuates quite a bit. Maybe I can start running with her when I see her or think of some way to help in this regard. I'd say when she is with me she eats fairly balanced - we're both vegetarian and we thrive on pasta dishes, stir fry, and a few other things, but grains definitely play a big role in our diets.
If anyone has any further comments after my post, please send them away - all of this has been a tremendous help in figuring out what we need to do - I plan on talking to her about a gyno visit (which I know will be awkward as hell for her, the visit that is, not the talking about it) and I'll try to post updates to this when I can.
Thanks again everyone.
I'd also suggest considering a therapist or a counselor--not because there's something wrong with her and not because she's broken, but only because maybe she might want someone to without the concern that what she says might result in people judging her. Make sure you if you suggest this that you do it as judgement-free as possible, hopefully in the same breath as suggesting a new gyno. "Honey I think you should consider getting a new gyno and a therapist because it's important that you have someone you trust that you can confide in when you want it."
While the two opinions here seem to swing between "minor medical condition possibly related to diet and exercise" and "very minor mental hang-up, she probably just needs to relax," there also exist some more serious possibilities, such as more significant medical conditions or past emotional trauma. No one will ever find out about that stuff unless there's someone she trusts completely to relate all of the symptoms in their entirity.
if she hasn't been to the gyno in 2 years she should definitely go, even if she doesn't mention this at the first visit. If he's "a weirdo" i'd encourage her to get another one. you don't want to take chances with your lady parts.
she doesn't have to masturbate with the vibrator, you can do it for her! would she maybe be more up for that? also, maybe a blindfold? that might be a bit much for her, but it's fun to focus on how things feel and if you can't see what's going on, you can't really overthink how you think something should feel. that make sense?
Don't assume that if she was horny and wanted to be satisfied, she would have masturbated by now. You said yourself that she thinks masturbating and vibrators are weird. Some people think it's wrong (even for reasons besides religion) and have a mental block against letting their bodies feel pleasure like that.
I recommend getting this book:
The Illustrated Guide to Extended Massive Orgasm
http://www.amazon.com/Illustrated-Extended-Massive-Orgasm-Positively/dp/0897933621/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1241556273&sr=1-2
Go through it with her and do all the exercises. The book focuses on manual genital stimulation, mostly female, and feels like it has a feminist undertone to it, but don't let that detract from its usefulness. It should help your girlfriend accept that it's ok to explore her body and that it's a good thing to do. And it'll help you two find new ways of pleasuring her!
The bottom line is she's not open to feeling pleasure and has to learn that it's ok and learn how to feel it. This book will help.
This is good advice. Don't expect her to start masturbating or use the vibrator right away. You'll have to explain it to her in a way that it's not scary or weird (it'll still be weird for her at first). It's a tool to help increase the pleasurable feelings you give her in foreplay, nothing more. Then, when you use it, don't just hold it on her clit and expect it to work. You'll have to use it very lightly, on other parts of her body, just to get use to the sensation. Run it along her stomach or thighs. Just use it a little the first night, then put it away. Use it a little more the second night. Slowly get her comfortable with it.
Blindfold's a great idea to help her focus on the sensation too!
But the vibrator and blindfold might both be in her "weird" category and too much of a jump for her to start with. That's why the book is a good place to start and work through. By the end, she should be very comfortable with her body and deriving pleasure. She'll practically welcome the vibrator then
First thing to do is to have a doctor examine her in case it's anything out of the ordinary.
One way that I've found to be most effective is therapeutic massage. The more relaxed a woman is, the more pleasurable an experience it's going to be for her. I'm under the impression that she's second guessing herself a lot. Read up on the subject of therapeutic massage or take a class. It's been a godsend for me personally. Do 2 sessions with her a week max. Also, a diet of oranges helps the healing process as she will bruise if you're doing it right. Grape seed oil is probably the greatest massage oil you can find as well.
Women who've done Kegel exercises have also reported an increase in sexual pleasure.