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Did I ruin my chances? [Girl Thread]
exis
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I realize this is a pretty substantial wall of text. But at this point I'm not sure which details matter and which don't, sorry.
Backstory:
She was having a party at my flat on Friday (her place was too small so I offered mine). During the planning for it all she asked if she could stay somewhere. Our mutual (female.. if it makes any difference) friend piped up with "why don't you just stay in his bed". Helen didn't seem to think it was a big deal so that was the plan. I mentioned this off-hand to my flatmate. He was all but high-fiving me, all 'looks like you're getting lucky'. I really didn't know what to think. On the one hand, I certainly wouldn't be complaining. On the other, it seemed more likely to me that this just meant that I was deeper into the terrifying friend territory than I thought I was, and that she just felt comfortable with me. I figure I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I wouldn't get too drunk, if I got the impression that Helen was into me, then I'd make an effort. If she wasn't, no big deal.
Well, didn't quite work out like that.
I managed to get myself quite drunk. There is this girl there, Nicole, that I know likes me. She's also told me in the past that she has neither the time nor the inclination to get into a relationship with anyone, and has hinted (without much subtlety), that she just wants casual sex. So here I am, weighing up my options. I can either get a cheap fuck with a girl that I really don't care to get into a relationship with, or I can finally put myself out there with Helen and possibly end up with a girl who is awesome.
You can probably guess what i went with.
It's about 1am. Helen knows what's up. Shes seen Nicole hanging off me all night. Helen's going to go clubbing with a few of the others, but wants to know where she's sleeping now. We sort out a bed for her (without me thinking of how much of a dick I was being offering her a bed then kicking her out of it). They all head off and Nicole and I get to making me regret all that scotch.
I wake up the next day to a call from Helen. She's at my door and wants in. Apparently she didn't sleep here last night. She knows Nicole's here, and just wanders into my room and starts chatting to her while she eats breakfast. We find out Helen went home with some guy, although according to her there was no fucking. Nicole and Helen seem quite happy gossiping about last night, but I'm already starting to hate myself. See, as soon as I saw Helen that morning I realized how much of a mistake I'd made. I frantically wished I had gone the other route, tried my best with Helen. Helen seemed nonplussed about the whole thing, but sometimes I find it hard to tell what she's thinking. So I really don't know how she feels about what happened. The only thing I do know is that she hasn't been with a guy since about November last year, despite definitely being able to have her pick. And she suddenly decided lastnight, after I'd made it abundantly clear that I was going to sleep with Nicole, that she wanted to hook up.
I explain what happened to my flatmates, who were all at the party. They are pretty much universally giving me a "what the fuck man". According to them, based upon the little they'd seen of Helen, and lastnight, she was totally in to me. I don't know how much I can trust their judgement. But I'm really starting to wonder whether I've just been completely oblivious all this time.
Helen texts me today asking me if I want to come out for dinner, with her and Nicole. Nicole and Helen used to get along, but Nicole stopped returning texts about six months ago, and Helen gave up. Nicole has apparently suddenly decided she wants back in our little clique. And Helen is apparently happy to accommodate her. After talking with Nicole on that terrible fateful night (and it was pretty damn specific), I was under the impression that we would fuck, and that would be it. But here she is, slipping in with my friends. Now if/when I go about informing her that I actually do not want to see her, in any capacity, I'm going to look like (/be) a huge fucking asshole to Helen and my other friends from that group.
So. The situation with Nicole is something I can hopefully deal with on my own. But have I completely ruined any chances of being with Helen? I really wish I had realized a week ago how serious my feelings are for her. Now I feel like I've completely fucked myself. I'm wondering if I should just ask to sit down and talk with her and explain everything, apologize for being such a fucking knob, and ask how she feels about me. But it seems like while that might have worked a week ago, I've probably squandered any goodwill I had. I mean, for all I know, I was right in the first place, and she really isn't in to me..
Backstory:
So I used to work with a certain girl who I will call Helen, because that is her name. About halfway through last year, we became friends. I'd see her maybe once every couple weeks within a group of about 4-5 of us. Near the end of the year, she quit her job, so we're no longer working together. Eventually she sort of stopped hanging out with most of the group. But I spent a lot of time with her while we studied for exams, and we hung out with a couple of mutual friends every now and then. During this time, she was always at least interested in some guy or another. For awhile I had thoughts of "hey, she is awesome, maybe something could happen", but I wasn't totally head over heels for her and it didn't chew me up too much that she was often unattainable.
Since the beginning of this year, I've probably seen her about once a week, usually with another friend there. She's been single the whole time. I'd been very much in the same position as before - I was sort of interested but more in a "if something happens that would be cool" way than anything. I never got the impression that she was into me. If anything, she'd occasionally talk about wanting to go out on the weekend and meet some "hot guy", etc. So I figured that we were very much 'just friends'.
TL;DR: Helen and I are just friends. But I've oft wondered whether I should try for more.Since the beginning of this year, I've probably seen her about once a week, usually with another friend there. She's been single the whole time. I'd been very much in the same position as before - I was sort of interested but more in a "if something happens that would be cool" way than anything. I never got the impression that she was into me. If anything, she'd occasionally talk about wanting to go out on the weekend and meet some "hot guy", etc. So I figured that we were very much 'just friends'.
She was having a party at my flat on Friday (her place was too small so I offered mine). During the planning for it all she asked if she could stay somewhere. Our mutual (female.. if it makes any difference) friend piped up with "why don't you just stay in his bed". Helen didn't seem to think it was a big deal so that was the plan. I mentioned this off-hand to my flatmate. He was all but high-fiving me, all 'looks like you're getting lucky'. I really didn't know what to think. On the one hand, I certainly wouldn't be complaining. On the other, it seemed more likely to me that this just meant that I was deeper into the terrifying friend territory than I thought I was, and that she just felt comfortable with me. I figure I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I wouldn't get too drunk, if I got the impression that Helen was into me, then I'd make an effort. If she wasn't, no big deal.
Well, didn't quite work out like that.
I managed to get myself quite drunk. There is this girl there, Nicole, that I know likes me. She's also told me in the past that she has neither the time nor the inclination to get into a relationship with anyone, and has hinted (without much subtlety), that she just wants casual sex. So here I am, weighing up my options. I can either get a cheap fuck with a girl that I really don't care to get into a relationship with, or I can finally put myself out there with Helen and possibly end up with a girl who is awesome.
You can probably guess what i went with.
It's about 1am. Helen knows what's up. Shes seen Nicole hanging off me all night. Helen's going to go clubbing with a few of the others, but wants to know where she's sleeping now. We sort out a bed for her (without me thinking of how much of a dick I was being offering her a bed then kicking her out of it). They all head off and Nicole and I get to making me regret all that scotch.
I wake up the next day to a call from Helen. She's at my door and wants in. Apparently she didn't sleep here last night. She knows Nicole's here, and just wanders into my room and starts chatting to her while she eats breakfast. We find out Helen went home with some guy, although according to her there was no fucking. Nicole and Helen seem quite happy gossiping about last night, but I'm already starting to hate myself. See, as soon as I saw Helen that morning I realized how much of a mistake I'd made. I frantically wished I had gone the other route, tried my best with Helen. Helen seemed nonplussed about the whole thing, but sometimes I find it hard to tell what she's thinking. So I really don't know how she feels about what happened. The only thing I do know is that she hasn't been with a guy since about November last year, despite definitely being able to have her pick. And she suddenly decided lastnight, after I'd made it abundantly clear that I was going to sleep with Nicole, that she wanted to hook up.
I explain what happened to my flatmates, who were all at the party. They are pretty much universally giving me a "what the fuck man". According to them, based upon the little they'd seen of Helen, and lastnight, she was totally in to me. I don't know how much I can trust their judgement. But I'm really starting to wonder whether I've just been completely oblivious all this time.
Helen texts me today asking me if I want to come out for dinner, with her and Nicole. Nicole and Helen used to get along, but Nicole stopped returning texts about six months ago, and Helen gave up. Nicole has apparently suddenly decided she wants back in our little clique. And Helen is apparently happy to accommodate her. After talking with Nicole on that terrible fateful night (and it was pretty damn specific), I was under the impression that we would fuck, and that would be it. But here she is, slipping in with my friends. Now if/when I go about informing her that I actually do not want to see her, in any capacity, I'm going to look like (/be) a huge fucking asshole to Helen and my other friends from that group.
So. The situation with Nicole is something I can hopefully deal with on my own. But have I completely ruined any chances of being with Helen? I really wish I had realized a week ago how serious my feelings are for her. Now I feel like I've completely fucked myself. I'm wondering if I should just ask to sit down and talk with her and explain everything, apologize for being such a fucking knob, and ask how she feels about me. But it seems like while that might have worked a week ago, I've probably squandered any goodwill I had. I mean, for all I know, I was right in the first place, and she really isn't in to me..
exis on
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She's trying to make you regret that decision so hard
The way I see it, she's very pissed off that you chose floosey over her. So she's going to get you to go out with both of them just to make sure you can see, side by side, what you chose.
That's what I'd do if I were Helen anyways.
This could get messy fast if you're not honest. It seems like you went with this Nicole girl over Helen because you were terrified of messing up the good realationship you and Helen have. But now you're regretting your actions, taking the easy way out has ultimately just put you in more trouble. Truth it.
There are 3 people here that know each other or friends that may or may not sleep with each other on a casual basies but none are in a realtionship or want or asked to be in one.
If you want to have a long term relationship with some one I suggest you talk and or ask them about it.
In this entire time you've know any of these girls or any girl you've ever known you've never slept with another person?
They've never slept with another person?
This may come off as being condescending or preachy or whatever, but it might be a good idea that whenever you have any sort of plan that requires even a modicum of cunning, charm, wit or skill don't drink at all.
I'm kidding, but hey, if you can swing it that way, go for it. Otherwise, and maybe I'm just cynical and pessimist, but it never really struck me that Helen wants you. I don't know the whole "Let's sleep in the same bed" has popped up before in H/A, and it's ended up that she just wanted be friends. My advice is to not read into things and just do what you should have done since the beginning. Ask Helen out.
Yea, you have little to no hope of pursuing Helen anymore. It's not that you slept with another girl it's that you essentially chose another girl over her. Also, offering a friend a place to sleep then kicking them out is a very dick move.
That Helen is one cool chick if she's even still talking to you, because that was really lame.
And as much as it sucks for Helen to lose her bed for that night its not the end of the world. Any good friend would be more than happy to give up that spot if it meant some no strings fun for you.
You're blowing this whole thing way out of proportion and in doing so you're just going to feed the fire of any fallout that comes.
Oh, and to touch on your chances, they're fine. Unless you go around apologizing to everyone for being human and making a possibly bad choice every once in a while.
If only all girls actually thought that rationally. To be honest, I'm the only girl I know who feels that way and all my girlfriends think I'm crazy.
Also, no, your chances aren't blown, you never know what will happen in the future. No one was betrayed here. No one is in a relationship or has even confessed their feelings. Let things develop as they do and don't take things so seriously. Be happy.
I told them I regretted Friday. That I shouldn't have slept with Nicole, because I really didn't want to deal with the fallout now (which is true... I just neglected to mention that I also regretted it because of Helen). Alex told me that they were my friends first and that they understood it was just a one night stand, and if any bullshit happens in the coming weeks, she and Helen would be firmly on my side. Which was a pretty big relief. Helen is pretty nonchalant about the whole thing. She can't really see why it would be a problem at all.
So, yeah. I think I was probably overreacting to the whole deal, and that Helen is even cooler than I'd thought. If anything, the vibe I've been getting from her makes me think that I was right in the past - and that she never really was interested in anything more than friends. After Helen left I asked Alex if she got the impression that Helen was annoyed at me. She had absolutely no idea why I would even consider that. Talking with her more about it just reinforced the impression that I don't really need to be too worried.
I think I'm basically back at square one now. Which is a relief. I mean I still don't know whether to try and push things with Helen. I'm in that situation where I really appreciate her friendship and while I would be pretty happy if something happened, I don't really feel I want it bad enough that it's worth risking losing that. Whenever I feel like there's some sort of indication that she might want something more I start to wonder about it. But whenever I think I see evidence that she's just a friend (like the vibe I was getting today), I feel like it'd be best not to rock the boat. Maybe that's just me being a pussy and I should put it on the line? I dunno.
Just fucking ask her out.
It always comes down to this.
Dude, seriously. You messed up, and mad a bad decision. No one died, and only a few feelings got hurt.
Take the sign, and ask Helen out, You can make this into a good thing in that being with Nicole made you realize how much you like Helen.
Also, is this pretty out of character for you around helen?
I mean you probably only get a finite amount of apologies/one-night-stands before she decides you aren't worth the hassle.
Always the quickest resolution to these girl threads it seems.
If she say no, continue on your merry way.
Yeah it is.
Okay, well. From this thread and from a little second-hand information I've recently received, I figure I'll go for it. I'm gonna ask her to meet me for coffee when she's free next, explain in full why Friday was a fuckup, and ask her how she feels about everything.
Thanks guys. And wish me luck.
Edit: I'm saying this to you saying that you want to explain Friday in full. I'm getting from this that you want to start apologising profusely again. If you just want to bring it up in context of asking her out, as in "It might seem weird that I'm doing this considering what happened Friday..." I don't see a problem with that. Just don't make yourself look like you're obsessed over what happened.
What you describe doing is not asking her out on a date. It's asking her out for coffee.
Which I'm not saying wont' work. But it just seems so much more simple and drama free to just go "hey, want to go on a date?"
I was more thinking I would ask her out for coffee so that I could explain things (as in, how I've been confused over the last few months, that I would like to be more than friends etc.). It just seems a better way to approach it than just asking her on a date since I'm worried about there being any ambiguity - there have been plenty of times in the past where we've done things together that would have been 'dates' if the dynamic was different, so I figured it would be best to clearly state how I felt lest she still be unsure. Also, I would actually like to know how she feels about all of this, and just talking about it seems the best way to find that out. (A related note: I get the feeling that if this did go anywhere things are going to be really awkward at first while trying to find how to cross that line from hanging out as friends to... whatever)
As for talking about Friday, I see where you're coming from. When I said "explain in full why Friday was a fuckup", I was meaning more in the context of "I've been really dumb the last couple of months. I like you a lot and would like to be more than friends. I wish I had realized this a week ago because what happened on Friday wasn't really what I wanted and I'd hate for it to ruin anything between us". Not in those words but you get the gist. It seems to me that not mentioning Friday is going to be a bit obvious itself since it happened like three days ago and (at least as far as I'm concerned), is pretty heavily related to what's going on right now.
edit: Sorry if I'm coming across like I'm just shirking advice. I do appreciate everyones thoughts, I'm just trying to explain my logic.
It's sort of like giving a speech, if you are nervous or mess up on a line, don't point it out to your audience and they most likely won't notice or care.
You can avoid ambiguity by saying date, but if you want to tell her how you feel when you go out and it's just the two of you, I suppose that works too. But... usually the whole 'emotional dump' thing does not work as well as you imagine it to.
I'm still an advocate for the ask her on a date, make it clear its a date, say the word date if you want to.
Meeting up just to explain Friday again seems like a bad idea. If what happened was a deal breaker then she's not interested and you're not going to persuade her otherwise with further reasoning and explanation. If she's still interested after what happened and you already explained your side of what happened then what good will it do to bring it up again? "Hey I wish I didn't sleep with Nicole because it is you that I really like?" Does this sound like the way to show interest?
Just ask her out, have a great time, and then make your move or tell her how you feel during or after the date like you normally would.
I'm disappointed, but not terribly surprised nor upset by it. I'm glad I asked, anyway. Otherwise I'd be wondering about it forever and probably would have become fixated on her without being open to anyone else.
Thanks for all the advice everyone.