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Diary of a Teenage Heroine
satyq
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
Some comic pages from a comic project I'm working on, Diary of a Teenage Heroine:
I've also started up a color strip set in the Diary universe. Here's the first 2 installments. And yes, I know that naughty nurse's outfit isn't standard issue but comics are supposed to be fun!
Jerry S. Loomis
I've also started up a color strip set in the Diary universe. Here's the first 2 installments. And yes, I know that naughty nurse's outfit isn't standard issue but comics are supposed to be fun!
Jerry S. Loomis
Schoolwork, Spandex and Supervillains! www.diaryofateenageheroine.com
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I dig the newspaper-strip layouts and colors.
Good lettering too.
...in which case, Paul Chadwick is on the other line.
I didn't read it through so I have no comments on the writing or story. I'll try to check that out more a bit later.
I found your writing style very direct and to the point, with a dash of old fashioned humor tossed in for good measure. Overall it had a very golden age comic feel to it. Which is a good/bad thing. For example the theme of superheros being outlawed, disgruntled villian after being involved in a disfiguring accident, secret identies, and all the way down to the characters costumes, are well, boring.
The problem with the whole piece isn't the art, or writing, it is as some have stated the subject matter. You handled all of those elements well. However, the demographic of people who would read this is shrinking....fast. Maybe the occasional baby boomer might come across it and read it for it's nostalgic qualities, but that age group being able to identify with a teen girl and her mother is a stretch. Young men ages 15-35, the prime comic audience, would have a hard time identifiying with the subject matter. Also many aof the themes are derivitive. All of the elements in your book may appeal to you, which is great, because you should be passionate about your work! Unfortunately, where you missed the mark is establishing an audience for your characters, and devolping fresh themes and characters for that audience.
@Metalbourne- unlike with most "superhero legistation" type of stories, this one is not a universal type of thing. The mayor and her city stand alone as a weird little quirk of a place in the eyes of the general population. We will be exploring this a bit in an upcoming strip arc and I will try to make sure that comes across loud and clear.
@Oysterboy and Magitoaster - yeah, Big O's pepperonis have been a constant source of discussion. We will probably address their hypnotic qualities in an upcoming strip
@t i m- yes, I do seem to be having a tough time finding an audience with this one. I was just getting so sick of drawing psychotically deranged killers and military ops stuff, I needed a break from all the super realistic, grim and dismal stuff that's so prevalent these days. I am hoping to kind of pull this one somewhere people will find interesting by injecting it with a bit more humor (as hopefully is showing in the Strip vs. the comic pages)
All that ground covered, so now, time for part 3 of the strip, where we will show you that Big O is not a composite of the Thing and Concrete after all, but rather it's Swamp Thing wearing a pair of the Hulk's pants!
[Please don't start tossing out pleas for votes and contests with only your entirely second post ever on these forums. Thanks. -Mr. E]
Jerry S. Loomis
I really can't critique this, the art isn't really my thing and I find super hero(ine) storylines overdone to death.
if i were you, i'd take that same text and arch it, but don't shrink it down only on one side, shrink it down uniformly on all sides (shift+click drag)
How soon can we see Crisis of Infinite Teenage Heroines? I propose that Earth 64d- is set in the 50's and has a Big O that is pale turquoise.
In what issue will The Fly Fox and Wonder Warbler appear? Silver Scout, Femin-knight, the Venusite Ladyfinder and Atlantian Helmsman for that matter? Will the comic have any Rush Lad facts?
On the whole, I actually love this comic and I'm just glad that you've made it. Can it keep me coming back for more though...we'll see after this whole "orgin story" bit gets done. I was never one to read the start of super hero comics.
Oh and some of the old school tricks like actually saying "hic" and "sob!" is just too out of date. Never do that again please. "OMG" out loud is just as bad.
I'm done with this.
On the writing, you're using little Silver Age-y tropes like "Hic!" and "Sob!" when you could more effectively communicate his drunkenness or sobs in other ways. To show how drunk he is, you could zoom in on his face and show his eyes glassy, and his face a little slack. To show him sobbing, you could have him with a hand on his face, over his eyes, with some onomatopoeia like, "Hh! Hhuah.." to show he's crying. Just try to avoid being so blunt; show, don't tell.
On the character design, it looks like your characters stepped out of some early 90's comics. Big O is pretty much Bedrock/Badrock of Youngblood, complete with weird, extraneous shoulder straps. The heroine could have stepped out of any number of forgettable comics. There's nothing about either costume that tells you who they are, what their powers are, or anything. Think about what their powers and personalities are like, and design their costumes from there. A teenage girl with body issues might not want to show off her legs in a skirt. A slovenly, unkempt guy would probably have a much simpler, well-worn costume than an obsessive compulsive type. Your heroine's costume also lacks an iconic symbol or costume element to make her stand out. If she had a more interesting overall design she could get away with it, but I don't think that's the case.
Now, as for people deriding the superhero genre as a dead end-- really? The only people interested in superheroes are 15-35 year old males? I'll tell that to all the women who saw Iron Man, The Dark Knight, and any of the other dozens of superhero movies that have been humongous blockbusters, almost single-handedly buoying a creatively bankrupt Hollywood for the past several years. The fact is, superheroes are just as viable as any other genre. Given their widespread appeal, as evidenced by movies, toys, lunchboxes, pajamas, cartoons, and that superhero comics have outlived, and continue to outperform, any other genre, I don't think superheroes are problem.
Comics are the problem. Honestly, if you're trying to receive any kind of widespread fame, wealth, or acclaim, look elsewhere. But if you love making comics, then keep making them, and keep making the kind of comic you'd want to read, because that's really all you can do.
But I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that, while I think superheroes are perfectly viable even today, you really need an original, interesting hook to make your story stand out from the many that have come before it. A teenage superhero learning the ropes has been done to death, and if you can't find an original way to tell that story, then I do think your comic will be dead in the water.
One of the most interesting tips I've ever heard when it comes to brainstorming a superhero concept is to find something that's universal, and that everyone can relate to, and then apply it to superheroes. The Incredibles was a story about family, and not promoting mediocrity over talent, just to make the unexceptional feel better. Swamp Thing was as much a commentary on environmental conservation as it was the story of a muck-monster struggling to find his own humanity. The Flash is all about a father who, even when he can move at the speed of light, still can't always keep up with his kids, find the time to be with his wife, and hold down a job. These are concepts that you don't need to be a superhero nerd to understand or relate to, and in a market, and genre, that has a glut of mediocre stories and half-realized ideas, you really need one to stand apart from the crowd.
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Endless_Serpents - no old school sob and hic - no trendy talk like omg - that's a thin tightrope to walk there but I'll see what I can do about keeping the retro dialed down while scripting and avoiding using language that probably won't have a long shelf life in the English language (like nucular
Obs - stay away from the mall for a few years.
Munch - a whole lot of insightful comments here and I will try to remember them as I move forward on the plot threads. I will readily admit I haven't devoted as much time to writing as I have to the art end of things (and thank you for saying that I draw backgrounds! I've been struggling with that for years....). The onomatopoeia suggestions are sound and I will try to remember that in the future. I hope that I will be able to show off some of those universal themes you were talking about over the course of this - I do want this to come off as more than "standard superhero tripe #3." And that's a pretty awesome little Blue Beetles graphic you've got going there, just thought I'd mention it as I'm a pretty big Ted Kord fan.
Overall I'm very happy with the thoughtful crits everyone has offered and I hope it will both help me develop into a better writer, and steer this particular project in the right direction. This is a pretty helpful forum and I hope to stick around a while.
Finally, a new strip is up, and we actually have the title character in it this time!
(see Mr. E - no hyperlinks this time
:^:
In addition, the lettering should probably follow cursive-type shaping, which can usually be found in a font's italics (assuming that the font doesn't just distort its letters). For example, try using a single story "a" and have the bottom of the "i" curve off in one direction (like the letter "t"). The "y" would also look much better if you got rid of the spiral and just used the classic ending (a simple form can be seen in the cursive article on Wikipedia).
Or you could just write "Diary" a couple of times, scan in you favorite, and draw over it on the computer (I recommend a pen in the form of a long, thin oval rotated either 45 or -45 degrees [can't remember which]).
For the "teenage heroine" part, the various forms of Highway Gothic are public domain (there are freeware versions linked to on the Wikipedia page). It's much more friendly and approachable than what you're using currently.
If you're going to keep the arching in "Diary," could you try not having a centered apex? It looks unnatural. A much better way to do it is to have the apex at one end or the other, which follows the natural drift of writers on unlined paper. For example, I'm left handed, so my handwriting tends to drift downward as I write. For most people, it drifts up.
Edit: I need a hobby
the new strip!
And some new promo art (based off a scene on page 1 of the comic)
Jerry S. Loomis
Wow...
No.
(satyq - my apologies for posting this in your thread