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GF advice (freshly 21, she is!)
Seaborn111
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ok so this is a moderately short one, in girl thread terms.
I have a girlfriend who turned 21 two weeks ago. for reference, i'm 22.
she has been staying out till 4-ish every single fucking night.
I'll go home at last call, she'll "catch up" and call me at 10 am saying she went home. (for reference to this, we each have our own places but have stayed together 95% of the time pre-21)
I don't know most of the people she goes out with, but apparently they're ok. I've been around them and trust most of them. She's also a pretty trustworthy girl. I just don't know if i can keep up with someone who is doing this consistently. I had my 3-4 days when i hit 21 but she is dragging this on to epic proportions.
am i being a little bit selfish and/or alarmist? I mean i honestly said to her i don't know how long i can do this two nights ago and she said perfectly calmly "ok. see you later" and left to bar number 3 while i drove home
any input? appreciated.
I have a girlfriend who turned 21 two weeks ago. for reference, i'm 22.
she has been staying out till 4-ish every single fucking night.
I'll go home at last call, she'll "catch up" and call me at 10 am saying she went home. (for reference to this, we each have our own places but have stayed together 95% of the time pre-21)
I don't know most of the people she goes out with, but apparently they're ok. I've been around them and trust most of them. She's also a pretty trustworthy girl. I just don't know if i can keep up with someone who is doing this consistently. I had my 3-4 days when i hit 21 but she is dragging this on to epic proportions.
am i being a little bit selfish and/or alarmist? I mean i honestly said to her i don't know how long i can do this two nights ago and she said perfectly calmly "ok. see you later" and left to bar number 3 while i drove home
any input? appreciated.
</bush>
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Seaborn111 on
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Not at midnight, but at like, 3PM. Just ask how long this is going to go on. If she's just still in celebrating crazy mode and it's going to end soon, fine. But if this is going to signify a life style change, then you deserve to know that, and be able to react accordingly.
This sounds like it could be solved with a compromise (Friday night for partying till 4, Saturday for staying in with the SO) but that really depends on how willing you (and she) are to do that.
How long have you been together?
we've been together for about 15 months, but in two parts. six months together, 2 years apart, 9 months together. (i moved. neither one of us believes in long distance relationships. she has had interim relationships, i have as well.)
Put simply. At university a proportion of first years, with new found freedom to do it every night, did it most nights for months. Generally until it impacted upon them in a way they did not wish for.
i.e. work suffered so much it became a priority again. Or finances. Or relations.
Had she ever drunk before? Most people over here had been drinking since 16 or earlier, so at least that new-ness was long gone.
Are you really considering throwing it all away because of a bad week?
I suggest you stop going out in the evenings with her for a few days, choose to stay in and give her the same option. That way you do what is best for you and don't try to keep up with her choices. If she wants to spend time with you, she can, and it will be pleasant. If not, chill out and don't feel oblidged to follow her around.
After a few weeks this might be a break-up sized event. Right now, she is having a bit of a blow out and you're making too much of it in my opinion.
This, it's been two weeks since she's been 21 and apparently this was something she waited until she was 21 to do. Let it go unless this keep going on for months or she starts doing really stupid shit like driving drunk.
Huge changes in mentality don't happen when you suddenly turn 21. They didn't with me, they didn't with you, so it's unlikely that she's suddenly become this big party animal the second she became of age to pub crawl if she wasn't before.
With some people they do though. Some people find the club scene that much fun and once they get a taste of it, it's where they want to be.
Has this girl turned into a big bar star? Maybe, maybe not. I mean at this point I would just chalk it up to she's having fun with something new.
If it continues and this is the type of you girl you don't want to go out with, OP, then end it. Simple as that.
I've had friends who didn't drink more than a beer or so before turning 21. Then they had a crazy few weeks partying for the first time and simmered down after a few too many hangovers and rough mornings.
My advice would be to make it clear that you don't date bar whores and that she's got a choice to make.
I realise that different people are different. But to just assume that she'll get tired of it after a few more nights doesn't seem right (to me). If it continues, at what point does he do something about it?
The whore part is not productive but yeah, mostly this.
Do you guys go with friends, or alone? How are you/she getting home after? How drunk is she when you leave her? If you're leaving a drunk 21 yr old girl in a bar by herself, that's a problem w/ both of you.
Stay with her till it closes, and see how she reacts. Is she glad you're out too, or trying to get you to leave?
The only issue right now is that he just doesn't like her going out this frequently. He doesn't say anything about her being drunk to the point of illness, spending all her money, it affecting her job or school, etc.
Until he talks to her about how they're spending less time together (he shouldn't bring up the partying unless he can do it without sounding preachy) and how they should plan more 'them' nights or something there's really nothing to be overly concerned about. If he talks to her and she's really defensive or something then there could be a problem but as of now it doesn't look like she knows he's upset about anything.
first, this isn't new to her. only the bar scene is. she has been drinking since like 15, but not to her deficit. never been truly sick, never ruined a school day or a work day with it.
second, i've not yet left her trashed. i have left her at the bar after 2 shots which is a good amount but not "omg i'm so drunk!"
and lastly, i brought this up today at lunch and was given a "i'm going to do whatever i want i'm 21." soliloquy followed by "thanks for letting me be 21 and giving me my space" and a hug.
confuzzled.
There's no room for vagueness, be very to the point so that it's clear what you mean and she can't take something else from it.
Sounds like you've got to put your adult pants on and make a decision for yourself:
Do I stay with her, even though I disagree with what she's doing?
Do I move on since she is unwilling to honor my intentions and decided she has more important priorities at this time?
I mean, if you're going to the bar together, you should ideally leave together. Isn't part of the reason she wants to go out to spend time with you? I don't see why she needs to stay out after the bar closes, letting you leave alone.
If her stance is, "I'll do whatever I want," don't just shrug your shoulders and say, "Fine." If it's really and truly bothering you, do something about it. Tell her it's not okay that she does whatever she wants, because you don't like leaving alone at the end of the night and you don't want to stay up until 4am every night.
These are certainly interesting statements because, quite frankly, the second one + the hug sound just like the first one. I don't see any real difference in this context. I definitely agree with what rocketsause said, but I'd give it another week and see what happens. If nothing changes it's probably time to deal with the issue more seriously even though it doesn't sound like she cares too much what you think (that's another topic though). If nothing changes after another week, you'll probably need to choose whether or not you're staying with this person. It sounds like you've known this person long enough to know whether or not you want to live with this person for the rest of your life. Do you?
Again, since you're only 22 and she's 21, it's not like you're some older, far more mature guy looking down on a girl who wants to be young and party. You're both young. You both like to go out and have a good time. You're just more responsible and respectful to your significant other about it.
To be clear, there is nothing wrong with her wanting to express a bit of independence and have fun with her friends. There is something wrong with her doing it on nights when the two of you went out together, and she is basically leaving you alone at the end of the night.
Maybe discuss her only staying out that late if she goes out with her friends by herself? Tell her if you are going out with her, you want to leave the bar together at the end of the night. I don't think that's unreasonable.
I understand the reason for that sentiment, but it's still a valid question. This is a good time to get out of a relationship if you don't want to be treated that way for the rest of your life.
Agreed.
The behaviour cropped up suddenly and seems to be a phase, so it's very likely that she could change. We're not talking about a person rearranging their entire lifestyle. We're talking about this chick not ditching her boyfriend at last call because she wants to stay out an extra couple of hours.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Sure, enough to get jealous and pissy when you feel ignored, I'll give you that. And no one likes being made to feel that the other person's time out is way more fun than their time with you. Sucks that shes kind of putting you in that boat.
But it's not so much time as to be able to judge any kind of real life adjustment, that is to say, allow you to figure out what will happen when the novelty wears off. That takes some time, especially if she's really into it- some people are. What you feel now is just the knee jerk reaction. Anger at being put into a different place, and you wondering how much pressure you can reasonably apply back to get things back to the way they were.
There is no going back, and hopefully she decides to take a course in life that both of you feel comfortable with. You can bitch and moan a bit to let her know that whatever her lifestyle, you've already decided that yours is going to be a bit different, or you can look into yourself and bend like the fucking willow- no one says you can't do that instead 'cept you- at which point it may be discovered that you have mutually exclusive lifestyles and personal philosophies.
If it were me, I'd roll with it and see where it goes. But I always roll, cuz I enjoy winding up in different places. Some folks don't, and hey if that's you, take a stand. Bending with the situation however, has taught me a couple things, the first being that most things, especially high energy novelties, go pretty hard before they bounce back, and even when they do bounce back, there's still always a little something there.
This is the sort of thing that can take months to sort itself out and find a balance. And it does balance, barring exceptionally poor life management skills. Here's the second, if you take a stand, you are not only standing against the action on the terms of your relationship, but also against the force of momentum already gathered through her friends, social expectations, self-discovery, personal quests, expectations of youth, chemical draw and (minor, very curable but not insignificant) addiction.
Unless you have some kind of awesome relationship ninjitsu, the 'your adventures in self-discovery make me feel bad' stance is pretty weak on both offense and defense. I hear you; you're worried, you want good things for her, you want good things in your relationship, but I can almost guarantee that it wont be taken that way, because the overwhelming tone is 'grow the fuck up already so I don't have to live through your bullshit anymore'. It's selfish, judgmental, impatient, and it demands things you don't really have a right to demand.
It doesn't mean that you're not right; everybody grows up, and its nice when folks are on the same page, and it sucks balls when they're not. Just don't be taking your tiny straw of rightness to use as the foundation platform for your 'What about me for fucks sake?' argument, as it is not nearly as supportive and durable as you may think it to be.
So my advice is to think about it. When you feel you can come from a place of genuine empathy, when you come to grips with what it means to live life together with someone who is growing in a different way than you have and not take it personally, when you can find a way to be supportive without compromising your own standards, and finally when you can can be confident in asking for what you need without being needy, then go have a conversation.
Hopefully you'll net something a bit better than a talk to the hand.
She's not going out with her friends and partying to all hours of the morning.
She's going out with her boyfriend, and telling him she's not coming home with him that night but she will meet him later, then she never does.
Apparently, this has happened several times. I don't think he's being selfish in wanting her to stop fucking ditching him when they go out!
Edit:
And yeah, not normal.
Read it again. She is going out with her friends.
https://medium.com/@alascii
I read that as they went out together, but she didn't want to go home at last call when he did and stayed out to hang out with the other people there.
Same. I read the Op and sub-post as he gets bored/tired long before she does, as his enthusiasm is old and limited while hers is young and still going on strong. Basically, she's having a way better time, and when he's done, she's still good to go. She doesn't make him come with, but she's not going to let him poop on the party either. So when he says he's going to head, she just nods and says goodbye. Which strikes me as a pretty reasonable thing to do, really.
https://medium.com/@alascii
If she doesn't have a job to go to and no responsibilities, who the fuck cares if she stays out all night if she's not hurting herself? Hell if that was my life I'd probably do the same thing.
Give it more time - if it's what she wants to do, then you're going in different directions and there's no reason why she should change.
No, we'd probably be giving her the same advice of talk to him and see where it goes, if you don't like where it goes then end it.
I tend to agree. Her actions are straining the relationship, and there are expectations - probably not discussed between them at this point - that aren't being handled in the same way as they used to be.
The OP has an excellent point, and I think there's little question that he's getting a rough ride, I just feel the only real resolution is going to revolve around dealing it up in a way where he doesn't get steamrolled, and she still feels she can do what needs doing.
another disturbing point that should bother me more and may have influence on this: 95% of her friends are guys, most nights her 1 or 2 female friends don't come out. so there's that.