So there's this gal, right...

LRG

and she is the only girl I think about.

I figure other guys might have this problem, too.

This girl is almost exactly what I want in a women. Smart, nice, good looking, she even likes comic books.

I want her.

But I want other girls, too.

but whenever I think of a women, it's her. That one girl that I have only the slightest chance in a million with.

I know how to attract her(I think), just act cocky and funny, instead of acting like some overly-nice chump, right?
But I can only act like that for too long before I either ignore her or treat her as someone I don't want to rub the wrong way.

She is a co-worker from my student job at college. She's about two years older than me.

She has a boyfriend, too. And seems to be more attracted to two other co-workers more than me. Guys with more confidence and outgoing...ness.(Though one is a supervisor and ten years older than us both and not a real threat)

There was a party tonight and I barely talked to her. She was the first person I talked to at the party(she noticed me first) and we didn't say a word to each other after that. She gave me a hug at the end, but I didn't think much of that and wrote it off.

She's all involved with groups n shit, sports and clubs at the school.
I'm an introverted fuck with the same friends from middle school, but I'm really, really trying to change and fix that. I'm trying to get a car as we speak, and trying to take myself outside my comfort zone and trying to meet new people and hell, maybe fuck some girls...

But this girl is almost always on my mind. I won't see her until next semester and I don't want to be thinking about her for basically a month or more.

There is a pattern, though. Whenever I meet a girl I really want, she is the only female that I think about.
Sure, I want to fuck Mila Kunis or whoever, but whenever I think about making love, it is only that girl I think about.

Again, I don't want to think about this girl for the next month.

I'm not stalking her or anything, and I could live without as much as giving her a kiss; but right now, I don't want her to be in my thoughts as much as she is, and I can not help it.

I just don't want to think about her for the next month or so. Is there anything I can do?

tl;dr: Help me think about more than this one girl, please.

Magus`

Take a cold shower?

You're kind of bordering on the line between infatuation and stalking.

Not trying to be mean, but you've kind of got a problem that this board isn't gonna help.

LRG

Shit.

Really, I'm not anywhere near stalking; but I am kind of obsessing.

I just don't want to think of this girl for the next month.

Zek

I can relate, but you just need to get a grip. You know she's not interested in you and I guarantee you that this "perfect girl" stuff is all in your head. What's important is that in the future you learn to be more proactive so you can openly establish interest in someone(someone without a boyfriend, that is) before the obsession sets in. From personal experience, if you fail to make yourself comfortable around her before you cross that point, it's only going to get harder as time goes on.

Also:

I know how to attract her(I think), just act cocky and funny, instead of acting like some overly-nice chump, right?

Wrong. If you think you have to do that to attract her, she's not right for you. It may sound cliche, but be yourself. You just need to drop the self-consciousness.

Sam

ow, for your own good, force yourself to stop wanting to get with this girl...you need a paradigm shift or something. there's a difference between wanting something deep down and thinking about it so much that it defines your contentment, a contentment that isn't worth hinging on someone else's whims.

ask her out once if you're comfortable with it. If not, or if she says no stop thinking about her.

it's simple really. Just don't think about this one girl and force yourself to think about other girls. If you can't do that, become a monk or something- any of those are healthier choices than continuing to pine for this one. Just make sure you're thinking about anyone other than this person.

Ratman_tf

Zek wrote:

I know how to attract her(I think), just act cocky and funny, instead of acting like some overly-nice chump, right?

Wrong. If you think you have to do that to attract her, she's not right for you. It may sound cliche, but be yourself. You just need to drop the self-consciousness.

But what if being self-concious IS "being himself"?

That's why I don't like that advice. Being Social (not just in dating, but in all interactions) takes practice, like any other skill.

If "Be yourself" worked, there would be no need for dating/relationship advice...

LRG

I did ask her out once, months ago, it went like this....

Me: Uh, [name], would you like to go on a date sometime?
Her: Yeah... but my boyfriend might have a problem with it.
Me: So, (deflection) should you want I should beat him up or something?
Her: Well, you could try... hehe

It could have been her letting me down easy. According to some of my friends it means I could have had her regardless of her boyfriend, which I wouldn't be down with at all. Either way, I always regreted it cause she definitely knew I liked her like that.

Quote:I know how to attract her(I think), just act cocky and funny, instead of acting like some overly-nice chump, right?

Wrong. If you think you have to do that to attract her, she's not right for you. It may sound cliche, but be yourself. You just need to drop the self-consciousness.

After dropping the self-consciousness, I'm basically just cocky and funny. That would be me. As it is, and as Ratman_tf suggest, self-consciousness has been myself as far back as I can remeber, even as a kid. I'm always cracking jokes and then apologizing 10 minuets later, just in case anyone was offended.

I'm thinking another girl would be the solution to stop thinking about this one, but I don't want to end up thinking about her all the time either. Is there any way I can get the opposite sex off the brain?

Sam

YES, she was letting you down. It doesn't mean anything else when girls bring up their boyfriends.

Sam

and you don't need to get the opposite sex off the brain, unless you want to change teams. No, your problem is having the entire opposite sex represented by one of their billions in your head. you're hardly the only one this has ever happened to, but it's something everyone has to grow out of.

ViolentChemistry

LRG wrote:

and I can only think about her.

That's too bad. Maybe one day you'll meet one you're not obsessed with, so that you can successfully date.

DynamiteKid

Find out one or more of her bad qualities and focus on them. Maybe she likes shitty comic books. Probably something more substantial than that...

Anyway, I think the most important thing to do here is shatter this 'perfect' girl illusion. Once you're disillusioned you'll be fine.

LRG

Alright, so from know on she will be only associated with bad things. At least until I can stop thinking so much about her. I think I need to really work on meeting more girls and stop focusing on one at a time.

That's too bad. Maybe one day you'll meet one you're not obsessed with, so that you can successfully date.

Gee, thanks.

Raggaholic

LRG wrote:

According to some of my friends it means I could have had her regardless of her boyfriend...

Never listen to these friends for anything ever. They seem to live in Bizarro World, and not the good Bizarro World where the chicks walk around naked and all want me.

I don't care if they're telling you that your fucking head is on fire, find a mirror. Never listen to them. Ever.

LRG

Re-reading my original post, it sounds way worse that it really is. She isn't the only thing I think about, but I think about her a hell of alot more than I want to.

Never listen to these friends for anything ever. They seem to live in Bizarro World, and not the good Bizarro World where the chicks walk around naked and all want me.

I don't care if they're telling you that your fucking head is on fire, find a mirror. Never listen to them. Ever.

Slim as it is, I've got about as much chance as anybody. I'm not saying I would try to take her from her boyfriend or that I could, but let's act like it could never happen in a million zillion years and pigs would have to fly. She does like me.

seraphiminia

Girlspeak translation:

"My boyfriend might have a problem with it" translates into "I'm bringing up my boyfriend so that you'll know I'm off limits."

Sounds like she shot you down; I don't know how to advise getting over her (except to go out and meet other girls), but good luck.

Sara Lynn

DynamiteKid wrote:

Find out one or more of her bad qualities and focus on them. Maybe she likes shitty comic books. Probably something more substantial than that...

Anyway, I think the most important thing to do here is shatter this 'perfect' girl illusion. Once you're disillusioned you'll be fine.

I totally agree with this, it works!

Raggaholic

LRG wrote:

Slim as it is, I've got about as much chance as anybody. I'm not saying I would try to take her from her boyfriend or that I could, but let's act like it could never happen in a million zillion years and pigs would have to fly. She does like me.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no, you don't have as much chance as anybody.

She brought up her boyfriend, and not in a casual way either. She did it specifically to cut you off at the pass. No matter what you think, if the girl was really interested in you, she would have gone about it another way. You got shot down. It sucks and it happens to us all, but don't try to act like it didn't happen.

Zek

Ratman_tf wrote:

Zek wrote:

I know how to attract her(I think), just act cocky and funny, instead of acting like some overly-nice chump, right?

Wrong. If you think you have to do that to attract her, she's not right for you. It may sound cliche, but be yourself. You just need to drop the self-consciousness.

But what if being self-concious IS "being himself"?

That's why I don't like that advice. Being Social (not just in dating, but in all interactions) takes practice, like any other skill.

If "Be yourself" worked, there would be no need for dating/relationship advice...

"Being yourself" doesn't necessarily mean just do the first thing that comes to your mind. The first instinct of someone who's self-conscious is to suppress who they are. I think there's a distinction between who you are and the method of delivery, so to speak.

contraband

just, um, my opinion, but if someone asked my girlfriend out on a movie date, I wouldn't active get uppity, but my sensors would certainly peak up. then if i had heard that this other guy (even jokingly) said to my girlfriend that he would beat me up, well, i would not be on very good terms with you. at all.

Underdog

It sounds a lot like you're infatuated with her. I have lots of experience with this, it seems to be my first response to meeting someone new and female and even slightly compatible. What I do isn't on purpose, it's just a product of my personality but it seems to work. I keep talking to her and such but eventually, over time, the obsession just burns itself off as I slowly begin to notice incompatibilities. After a while I'm no longer thinking about her constantly and then life goes on until some new girl enters the picture and presses the "Reset" button.

I would not ask out a girl that you are, presently, obsessing over (too late now but advice for the future). Why? Because you think about her so often and with such absolutes (she's PERFECT in your imagination, something no one is) that spending time with the real person will result in a let down. You'll have built her up so high in your mind that she'll fall miserably short and you'll feel a lot of things as a result of this. You may feel guilty for putting her on a pedastal, you'll undoubtably be disappointed and for sure there'll be lots of awkwardness on your part.

To me, infatuation is something really stupid and should be worked out on your own because in this state, your decision making skills and overall logic are extremely clouded by your obsessive feelings.

For what it's worth, I used to get this way about any new girl that showed even a slight interest in me because I was so shut in and solitary that I'd latch on to the first person to give me a moment of their time. So far, I've managed to deal with it without any big embarassments mostly through being too gutless to tell them how I think I feel about her. And lately, I've noticed it has been happening to a lesser degree (I still obsess about new girls I meet but it doesn't last as long) as I meet more people so there is hope if this is a common thing for you.

st0ned messiah

Find somebody without a boyfriend. It is fairly obvious that she knows you like her but isn't returning the favor. Back off this chick before you creep her out. Backing off will keep you from obsessing. Pursuing another cool available chick would do that as well.

How old are you?
How many girlfriends have you had in the past?

Just asking because with my first girlfriend in high school I idealized the crap out of her but after a year or two I realized how stupid it was.

EDIT: Re-reading I see you're in college. There should be plenty of available cool chicks to find. As time goes on you'll stop getting so fixated.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

Sara Lynn

Zavian wrote:

girl friends as in friends who happen to be girls are a very good thing to have, especially when it comes to meeting available girls through them.

This is pretty true. I'm a girl in a group of guys and you have no idea how many asses I save because I stop them from doing really stupid things to impress/keep their girlfriends. It's nice to have a woman's side of things if you have trouble with women to begin with.

It's good you're trying to meet new people, and if she's as great as you think she is she should have no problem being your friend and introducing you to her friends. Unless you're so distracted by how obsessed you are with her that you can't be friends with her, then, well.. I dunno.

LRG

st0ned messiah wrote:

Find somebody without a boyfriend. It is fairly obvious that she knows you like her but isn't returning the favor. Back off this chick before you creep her out. Backing off will keep you from obsessing. Pursuing another cool available chick would do that as well.

Solid advice. But I'm so very far creeping her or anyone else out, it is not an issue at all. I understand you how you guys can think I'm on the verge of being a stalker or whatever, and you have to try to discourage that, but I'm realy not that obsessed with this girl. No one is being creeped out.

I just don't want to think about her so often.

I do do this all the time, I find one girl I'm really into and she is the only girl I think about, and being 19 I think about girls pretty often. I just want to keep this broad off my mind.


There is no shrine of her in my closet next to a voodoo doll with her boyfriends dna next to roofies and a gun and plans. It just ain't that serious. (I'm gonna edit my first post a bit, because clearly it comes off wrose than it is.)

ege02

Your problem is scarcity. When something is scarce, we put a ton of value on it. Same goes for girls in our lives. If you are the type of guy who doesn't meet many women, you'll think more highly of the ones you meet, and if you like one of them, you'll become obsessed.

There is really no magic formula to get over obsessions like this because the problem is rooted in something that goes far deeper. However, it is great that you're doing things outside of your comfort zone and trying to meet new people. I would say you're on the right track.