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Help with anger

altoptimusaltoptimus Registered User regular
edited June 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
I am posting under an alt again. I posted about breaking up with a girlfriend about 1 or 2 months ago. I havent talked to her and I genuinely do not want her back. The problem I am dealing with is that I feel such intense anger towards myself and at times her about what happened.

A little backstory, met a girl a few years ago, fell in love. While in law school I gained 70% of the weight I had lost my senior year of college back. Cant find a job that easy either and due to being stressed out about, weight, the job search and her other aspects of my life such as (keeping my apartment clean) declined.

My ex, specifically told me when she broke up with me (2nd time) loonng story, that she couldnt deal with me, thought I couldn't take care of myself due to gaining weight, not having a job as an attorney yet and having a messy apartment. I try my hardest not to be mad at her, we werent married (even though we discussed it - were going out for 2 and a 1/4 years at that point) ) and she has a right to be with the person she wants to be with.

Well 3 months since the break up, I have multiple job interviews, apartment and car stay clean and I work out pretty reguarly trying to lose weight and have graduated law school and am studying for the bar. The only problem is I like I said above feel just such anger towards myself for letting things get to the point where she felt she couldnt take anymore. There are many other reasons but right now I cant go into anymore and need to calm myself down.

In short, how do I deal with this? I already go to the gym, I take care of all matters that need to be attended too, Is this something that I just have to go through? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

altoptimus on

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    I'd Fuck Chuck Lidell UpI'd Fuck Chuck Lidell Up Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    If she dropped this on you all at once it sounds like she just reached a breaking point and started throwing things around in anger... happens all the time and for many reasons. basically probably not your fault and these things happen, blame gets thrown a lot and you are not stuck in a standstill so don't worry about it

    when people have problems moving on afterwards as far as their life goes i would say you have a serious problem and she was probably right.

    in this case it's obvious she isn't though. you have used this as a growing experiance and should probably be thanking her instead of feeling mad at yourself or her.

    get a new girlfriend, calm down and stop needlessly placing blame and move on with relationship life.

    also good luck on your BAR

    as a side note if you would like some calming music

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ef-4Bv5Ng0w

    I'd Fuck Chuck Lidell Up on
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    ToefooToefoo Los Angeles, CARegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Man, you should stop and give yourself props for finishing grad school; that is not an easy task for a lot of people.

    Second, it's hard to take care of yourself when you have so many other things on your plate like school, rent, apartment cleanliness, and a girlfriend...you shouldn't beat yourself up over it, it happens.

    I think the best thing for you to do is look at what you are doing now, which is working out regularly, applying for jobs, and studying for the BAR exam. Those are all extremely admirable things, and you should give yourself credit for it.

    I don't want to sound all "motivational speaker", but you're slowly getting your life in order after a very stressful time in your life...just acknowledge it and let other people see it themselves.

    Toefoo on
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    LerageLerage Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    You're going to have to make a concentrated effort NOT to be angry. Every time you feel like ranting to yourself, laugh instead, even if it's false, it'll take your mind off it. Also, it sounds so corny but think happy thoughts - concentrate on the positives that are happening to you, not just in general, but even little things like "what a nice sunny day" will help improve your mood.

    Lerage on
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    necroSYSnecroSYS Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited June 2009
    I doubt it's something you're going to get over fully until you've moved on and found someone else. Right now, you're in a great big self-pity party, but the good news is that you're taking the necessary steps to pull out of the slump. Keep up with all of that. As your situation improves, you'll be able to let go of your past anger and self-pity and just focus on the present and the future.

    necroSYS on
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    Teslan26Teslan26 Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I like the Chopin plan :D

    As for the rest of it, choose not to be angry.

    You control your emotions to an extent. Part of that process is not dwelling on things that make you angry. Focus on good stuff, or just different stuff. Socialise more, ideally in a positive environment.

    Oh, and if you really want to work at it. Associate all the memories that are making you angry, with the positive emotions you feel from some other source. Rigourously alter your reaction by hardwiring a different one.

    Good luck either way.

    Teslan26 on
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    DjeetDjeet Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Other than continuing what you're doing re: taking care of yourself physically, finding a job, studying for the bar, keeping your personal space clean, etc., there's not much else you can DO.

    You'd benefit from changing your perspective though. If you're hung up on past mistakes, you just gotta realize there's nothing you can do to undo mistakes done, so putting your energy into that is a total waste. You may have let go of her (or perhaps not?) but you haven't let go of your past actions (or inaction). The anger has done its job, which was to tell you that you need to make changes, but staying angry about that kind of stuff is like worrying a wound.

    If you find yourself getting angry about that stuff, take it as a signal that you are drifting towards self-destructive behaviors/thoughts. Re-direct that energy into working out, or studying, or go out and have some fun with friends: put it out of your mind.

    If you cannot re-direct you may want to look into some meditation practice.

    Djeet on
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    NamrokNamrok Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    This always helps me.

    "The wise man will never cease to be angry, if once he starts

    You will do better to hold, instead, that no one should be angry at error. Surely no one would be angry with people who stumble in the dark or whose deafness stops them from hearing an order. Or with children who fail to see what they should be doing and turn their attention to games and silly jokes of those their own ages. Or with the sick, the old, the weary. This too is one of the misfortunes of our mortal condition: darkness of mind, the inevitability of error--and, still more, the love of error. To avoid anger with individuals, you must forgive the whole group, you must pardon the human race. If you are angry with young and old for their wrongdoing, by angry with infants, too: they are going to do wrong. No one is angry with children who are too young to know the difference between things. But being human is more of an excuse, and a juster excuse, than being a child. For this was what we were born to be--animals prone to ailments of the mind no less than of the body, not exactly stupid or slow, but given to misusing our shrewdness, each an example of vice to the other. Anyone who has followed his predecessors down the wrong path has surely the excuse of having gone astray on a public highway. A general applies severity to individuals: when the whole army has deserted, he can only show clemency. What rids the wise man of anger? The sheer multitude of wrongdoers. He knows that it is unfair and unsafe to be angry at failings shared by all.

    Namrok on
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    Penguin_OtakuPenguin_Otaku Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I don't know if you're religious at all or not, but I feel this still applies in any life style; Do unto others as you wold have them do unto you.

    In that you can go down a lot of different paths.

    Would you want her to be this upset and flustered over you leaving her for those reasons?

    I would say no. You seem like a pretty solid guy and you're trying to get your life cleaned up for yourself and not just because she left you and you're not try to win her back or anything. Great first step. If you don't want that for her, then don't do it yourself.

    Namrok's quotation is perfect for this. You do have to excuse yourself and others because hey, we're all gonna screw up at times. We're not meant to be perfect in any sense. What is important though is simply accepting that we will mess up and not become angered but take something else from it whether it be a lesson or simply a memory so you know how to deal with it later.

    Penguin_Otaku on
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    cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    You fucked up.

    But you got better. We're all allowed to make mistakes, man. Stuff we never thought we'd let happen. But the fact that you caught on and are working to make yourself better is good. Sure, you were made aware of it in perhaps a harsh way, but you're better for it now.

    Go be super sexy and stop blaming anyone. That was in the past, awesomeness should be ahead.

    cooljammer00 on
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    SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Anger can be a useful thing. It promotes change, and often clarifies intentions. It can also be a damaging thing, when it begins to define you rather than be a product of dissatisfaction.

    I wouldn't say you fucked up. You were who you were, and you couldn't be anything else at that time but that person. Things changed, and you responded- you're different now than you were.

    However, if your past relationship was a challenge to be met, you lost. It is reasonable to assume by your accomplishments, that you are a very competitive person, and don't like to lose. It makes one feel like a loser. You don't want to be a loser, and so maybe if you beat yourself up badly enough, you can punch that loser into submission and by definition of beating the loser, win.

    It's still you though. Victory is hollow and double-edged, because you will only ever win at the expense of yourself, and so round and round it goes in a vicious cycle. Sooner or later, you'll have to be at peace with defeat. That doesn't mean give up, it doesn't mean stop trying, but for this round, you need to show yourself some sportsmanship.

    You learned, you grew, you'll do better next time. So stop angsting, pat yourself on the back and say 'Good Game'. Don't roll your fucking eyes, you shake hands with a smile now until you're sincere enough to fool your old man. Then go have some ice cream. Good hustle out there, next time maybe you'll take 'em.

    Sarcastro on
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    Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    You have no reason to be angry at yourself.

    You were in a spiral of self abuse and you got the fuck out of it.

    You should be fucking ecstatic on the work you have done. You're getting yourself fit, got a job and I only assume you have vacuumed the fucking floors.

    Don't be angry at yourself for something you have done in the past, write it off as an extremely good life lesson.

    Blake T on
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