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She's a feisty one...
Yann
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Alright, here goes.
I've been with my current girlfriend for little over a year now, and it's great. Mostly. While we usually have an absolute awesome time together, occasionally she loses her temper. Badly. She gets in a mood where she is incredibly rude, gets pissed of by pretty much anything and yells at me and/or the world in general. I have no idea what the frequency of these attacks are, maybe 1-3 times a week, more around special girly week.
Usually, it isn't set off by anything specific, but I have definitely noticed that it happens more frequently when we have been out doing things or haven't eaten in a while, so blood sugar is lower than normal. Occasionally it has happened when we are out traveling (we are currently in nz) causing BIG problems.
We talk about it a lot, and she has mentioned that she has gotten it from her dad, who also has a temper. I am getting pretty sick of it and have made that very clear to her, and she is always very regretful afterwards.
My way of dealing with it so far has been:
*Trying to stay positive and talk/calm her out of it. Usually doesn't work at all.
*Making it VERY clear that I will not accept her acting this way, and basically walking away/not talking to her until she calms down. Usually makes her even more angry and doesn't really fix the problem.
*Physically wrestling her to the ground, sitting on her (I am quite a bit bigger than her) and tickling her mercilessly until she stops being angry. Surprisingly effective, but hard to do in public.
She is however not willing to try any of the things I suggested to help her, which was basically:
*Talking to someone.
*Stop taking pills for a while and see if it makes any difference.
*Doing calming meditation (wtf? Yeah I'm desperate.).
Instead, she just says that she is working on it herself. Somehow. Whatever she does, I haven't noticed much difference in 6 months or so.
Also, not sure if it means something, but she has some kind of enzyme disorder which I absolutely cannot find any information about on the Internet. Basically it means her body has problems breaking down sugar, so she gets really bad stomach pains from it. Small amounts in food is apparently ok, but candy/soda/ice cream are pretty much no-no's, unless she wants to spend some quality time on the toilet in the near future. I only mention it because of the blood sugar thing earlier.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any general advice?
I've been with my current girlfriend for little over a year now, and it's great. Mostly. While we usually have an absolute awesome time together, occasionally she loses her temper. Badly. She gets in a mood where she is incredibly rude, gets pissed of by pretty much anything and yells at me and/or the world in general. I have no idea what the frequency of these attacks are, maybe 1-3 times a week, more around special girly week.
Usually, it isn't set off by anything specific, but I have definitely noticed that it happens more frequently when we have been out doing things or haven't eaten in a while, so blood sugar is lower than normal. Occasionally it has happened when we are out traveling (we are currently in nz) causing BIG problems.
We talk about it a lot, and she has mentioned that she has gotten it from her dad, who also has a temper. I am getting pretty sick of it and have made that very clear to her, and she is always very regretful afterwards.
My way of dealing with it so far has been:
*Trying to stay positive and talk/calm her out of it. Usually doesn't work at all.
*Making it VERY clear that I will not accept her acting this way, and basically walking away/not talking to her until she calms down. Usually makes her even more angry and doesn't really fix the problem.
*Physically wrestling her to the ground, sitting on her (I am quite a bit bigger than her) and tickling her mercilessly until she stops being angry. Surprisingly effective, but hard to do in public.
She is however not willing to try any of the things I suggested to help her, which was basically:
*Talking to someone.
*Stop taking pills for a while and see if it makes any difference.
*Doing calming meditation (wtf? Yeah I'm desperate.).
Instead, she just says that she is working on it herself. Somehow. Whatever she does, I haven't noticed much difference in 6 months or so.
Also, not sure if it means something, but she has some kind of enzyme disorder which I absolutely cannot find any information about on the Internet. Basically it means her body has problems breaking down sugar, so she gets really bad stomach pains from it. Small amounts in food is apparently ok, but candy/soda/ice cream are pretty much no-no's, unless she wants to spend some quality time on the toilet in the near future. I only mention it because of the blood sugar thing earlier.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any general advice?
Yann on
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I should mention I have a quick temper too. I started watching it because I noticed myself getting short for no reason and started paying more attention to it. When I noticed myself getting pissy over nothing, I just stopped and let it go, telling myself it wasn't worth it and there was nothing to get mad about.
Haha, this is actually true for me as well. Never looked at it like that.
If she's serious about trying to combat this maybe you should look into getting a glucose measuring device, like diabetics have. Just borrow it for a while and monitor the blood sugar for a couple of weeks. If it's weird due to an uptake problem that could be your answer.
Also, not to break out the nuclear option so soon, but it's not your job to fix her. In the end she either recognizes the issue and fixes it herself or she doesn't. To me, the fact that it may be a medical issue is irrelevent as soon as she refuses to try and find a solution because at that point she's choosing to not do anything about it and obviously doesn't really care very much how it affects you personally. You can probably find another girl as cool as her who doesn't pull the Jekyll and Hyde act 2-3 times a week.
This. My mood shifts pretty fucking rapidly if I'm hungry, but I'll at least start to feel myself slip. I imagine she's the same way.
Due to the inability to handle sugar, don't get the chocolate-coated marshmallow fundip ones, or necessarily granola bars at all - just some manner of portable, durable, edible goodness to stave off the hunger.
Either that or she's a redhead, in which case, good luck. :P
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My assumption is horomonal birth control pills?
Ah, that would make sense. Wasn't sure if we were dealing with a female House or something
hahaha...
"Awww, are you upset honey? Here, have a snack... Makes you feel better doesn't it, that's a good girl..."
I will admit my wife does feel better after eating food...
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It's not so far fetched...my wife does the same thing with me! She has granola bars strategically placed in the car and in her purse for when we are running errands or whatever. If I haven't eaten anything around 3PM I can get a little testy, but a preemtive granola bar can really save the day
My wife once changed her birth control and things got very weird. Mood swings like woah. She talked to her OBGYN and changed to a different B.C. and the change was almost instantaneous. Tell your girl to at least talk to her lady doctor, it's what they are there for.
Birth control can make insane changes in a woman's behavior. My doctor tried switching me over to a new birth control (for no apparent reason) and it made me nuts. I switched back to my regular pills and I was back to sanity very quickly.
I considered a feed-bag, but apparently it's demeaning or some bullshit.
I hope yours is not crazy.
Alternatively; the food idea is a great idea it seems and I can relate to the whole temperament coming from a parent. My dad is the same way and for a while it was hard for me to control and occasionally I slip as well, but both of us are a lot better about it anymore. It takes time and effort on her part mainly, sounds like you're doing a good job of handling it.
Is she on any weird meds? I tl;dr'd your OP, OP. Sorry.
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This is correct. She is not on any other meds.
I don't think her pills are the main reason, I was with her before she started taking them. She had temper problems back then too, and while they did get worse I think thats mainly because she got more comfortable around me.
It is a problem for her as well, as she has big problems doing anything that is in the least bit frustrating. We can't really play games together for example. Jesus, when brain training wouldn't recognize her saying "Blue"...D: She's incredibly stubborn as well, so it can get really ugly.
Thanks for the advice so far! Would love to get my hands on one of those diabetes blood sugar test things.
Years ago I would get irritated at the stupidest little things with my girlfriend at the time. Although I suppose that could have been the Savannah humidity...
Anyway, after I got into a routine I noticed myself becoming more tolerant (living in LA of all places). And if I fall out of that routine for several weeks I notice myself start to slip a bit and lose a bit of the patience I normally have.
You'll have to evaluate your own goals / abilities, but running a 5k together might be something fun to do.
I'll also second (third / fourth?) the granola. My fiancee calls me out now when I get irritable with something like "Aww, are you hungry? Is it time to eat?" And it usually is... :oops:
Stranger: "To make me happier, of course!"
Me: "What if she wasn't making you happy?"
Stranger: "I'd get rid of her."
I hate to ask this, but are you sure she's entirely happy in the relationship? I was with a girl like that once, and it was frightening at times. Now we're just friends, and she hasn't flipped out since. We're still really good friends. She was just unhappy about her situation and the relationship, so everything annoyed her, but she wasn't sure what it was. I was with her for 2-3 years, so it was hard for her (or us, rather) to admit that it just wasn't working out. I sincerely hope this isn't the case for you.
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You must be new to relationships.
Simplistic as it is, I see nothing wrong with this. Obviously it's a lot more complex, but in the end if your partner isn't making you happy why would you stay with her? Everyone deserves someone who it's not a chore to be around.
I think just about everyone can end up being a chore to be around if you live with them long enough. You can't go dumping people just because they don't *make* you happy. If I relied on other people to make me happy I would probably be pretty miserable most of the time. Also, this may come as a shock to some people, but a relationship often depends on both parties contributing to the problem or the solution. Rarely is it one-sided.
Maybe I've just been around feisty women all my life, but I find that characteristic attractive. I like a woman who can tell me to shut the fuck up when I'm being a prick, or get in someone's face when they've fucked up.
My roomate in university was one of the most loving, friendly and forgiving women you will ever meet. Smart, attractive and healthy. But, if she didn't eat, Dr. Hyde would take over. I'm not talking starvation levels here, just the usual mid-day or late-night hunger. Our circle of friends got accustomed to watching for the warning signs, and would ensure she ate. I used to carry an apple for when we would go out. It made a huge difference.
Fixed that for you.
Telling someone to "calm down" or anything of that sort while they're frustrated or angry is very likely to make things worse. This is true for men and women alike.
Exceptions do exist, but it depends on the person, and I've met very few people who have the presence of mind to note in the heat of the moment that they should, in fact, calm down.
You can try to help them settle down, but telling them to settle is rarely effective, in my experience.
Wheat for untruth. Love and happiness are different emotions for me.
Anyway, I'm hoping for an update from the OP or at least a notification that this thread is over, I think it's an interesting problem and considering I can be a raging asshole at times (see also: infractions on PA) it speaks to my interests.
My advice to the OP is to simply tell his girlfriend that he's not going to interact with her when she's angry. She gets angry because she believes it accomplishes something. If she gets angry and he says "I understand why you're upset, but I'm not going to talk to you while you're yelling" it may sound like a dick thing, but it quickly reinforces that her attitude isn't helping anything.
I mean it's like parenting. If your kid is throwing a tantrum, you don't give in to them or throw your own. You say "you're not going to get anything when you're like this, so calm down and we'll talk about it later."
And to be honest, it sounds like the OP's girlfriend is doing just that -- throwing tantrums whenever things don't go her way.
Tell her to take a kickboxing class or something, unless that will just teach her to beat your ass when she gets in a "mood". I know when i'm all pissy, working out helps sometimes. personally, it sounds like she needs to know there are consequences to her 'tude.
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Obviously I am with my girlfriend because she makes me unbelievably happy. Something like this isn't going to make me give up on her, even if it feels impossible to live with when it happens.
Since I posted this we have talked more about it, and we've had no incidents. She even stopped yesterday when we were out shopping to get a quick snack, only because she started to feel a bit down.
I think a major contribution to the problem is that this is her first real relationship, and she simply hasn't dealt with issues like these before. Big thanks to everyone in the thread, there's some good advice here I think. If anyone wants I can give an update in a few weeks/months.
I'm assuming NZ = New Zealand. I think you guys have a fairly open/affordable health plan to help out with this, assuming that Psychologists and Psychiatrists and the services they offer are treated the same as regular physical check ups and such.
If you maybe talk to her after a nice meal while you're both relaxed and mellow about seeing someone TOGETHER. It might make things go a bit better. Dependent on how committed you are to this relationship I'd consider this a good investment of time and effort on both of your parts. If you're in this for the long haul, her problems are in some ways also your problems, given that they effect you and how you relate back to her. Maybe even offer up the fact that you're not perfect (nobody is) and maybe talking with a psychologist will help not only her become a bit less likely to have a temper flare up, but maybe you'll find out something about yourself as well!
Psychology is really an awesome thing, partially the reason why I got a degree in it. Though not clinical psychology, I prefer research and statistics myself, but still, the clinical folks know what they're doing.
This. I generally have a pretty calming way about me, but on the other hand, I can also be soothing in a ginourmous prick kind of way. It's hard to describe (unless you live/were spawned by/are fucking a therapist) how exactly that is, but I assure it is that way. I need to be called on my bullshit, or I'll just end up walking all over someone.
If the temper thing is unacceptable, like going way overboard in public, IMHO it needs to be addressed because in a work circle, aquaintances etc, it reflects badly on everyone- her because she's lost her shit, and me because by bringing the shit-loser around, I have deemed this behaivior by proxy as something acceptable.
I'm just being honest, public image is a concern of mine. I need to be able to trust that the person I'm with will act appropriately. Others may not feel that way. I had to put my foot down on a few occasions at the start, but things got better. Partly I'm sure because I wasn't practicing without intent, that is to say, I wasn't saying it was intolerable and then tolerating it; I made myself perfectly clear that if that sort of thing became a theme, she would have to find herself a new boyfriend.
Dunno how thats going to work out for the OP though, now that he's been putting up with it for so long. It should have been addressed at the beginning, and the consequences dealt with. It's definately going to be more difficult now that there's so much more to lose; negotiation really only works if you're willing to walk away.
In my case, it was more of a 'how' than a 'stop'. Arguing at home is fine, same with airing out grievances- ensure that there's an adequate outlet, and you can often put a time delay on that short fuse, allowing one to sneak it back into the shelter before it goes off. After a time, that habit builds more control, and most people find that letting things go in the short term leads to letting things go easier in the long term. Managing anger is a handy thing to get a grip on, no lies.