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How do I (tactfully) get this guy to leave me alone?

DrezDrez Registered User regular
edited June 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
Part of this is definitely my fault, I just want to say that up front.

So to make a long story short, two nights a week I hang out at a specific location and I spend very little money doing so. I know the people here and I enjoy my time there. I generally sip at a few drinks and chit-chat, which is fine for me. Anyway, I am working but I'm still contracting at my employer and I'm not rich by any means. I like to go out, but I like to do so in a manner that doesn't leave a gaping wound in my wallet.

So there's this guy at work - lets call him Rumplestiltskin - who I have befriended. He's a decent guy, only three or four years older than me, married, and likes to go out a lot. I didn't meet him at work, I met him at another bar the two of us used to frequent. I don't really go to this bar anymore, I go to the place I referred to the in the previous paragraph. Anyway, Rumplestiltskin called me up out of the blue one night a few weeks ago and asked if I wanted to grab a drink. Apparently "grab a drink" means "spend over 600 dollars bouncing around from bar to bar and eventually a strip club." 600 dollars I didn't have to spend, which I told him up front. He says "no problem, you can get me back eventually. However, I told him this before he dragged me around for 600 dollars worth of activity. I can't "get someone back" for 300 bucks like that. I kept telling him "no, I'm not throwing money away at a strip club" but I allowed myself to get dragged there because, after being bought god knows how many drinks, my judgment was impaired and my stonewalling faltered.

The next day I was quite angry with myself for allowing myself to be dragged around like that and went so much in the hole. I mean I had SOME cash on me that night and I ended up spending almost all of it, which I couldn't really afford to do.

Since then I've been a little leery of hanging out with him. I dodged it a few times but then last night I'm at this place. He texted me a few times and I was trying to avoid them but I stupidly answered where I was. He shows up and when I go to the bathroom he's bought me a drink. I messaged him at work today that I didn't want to drink this week. I had water and a piece of cheesecake. I drank it, I didn't want to be rude. Then he kept buying me drinks. It certainly SOUNDS generous but considering I told him "I don't want to drink today" it just seems like he has no respect for my boundaries.

What started as a few free drinks turned into me not getting home until 7:35 this morning, missing work, and spending money that I shouldn't have spent.

I don't want to hang out with this guy anymore. He's a bad influence. The problem is proximity. The place I go to is very close to where we work. So I can't tell him "nah I'm going home" because he can just walk by this place and see me. He can also message me at work and call me.

I know the ultimate solution is to set my boundaries and stick to them, which I've been trying to do, but I just don't want to even have to deal with that. I don't want to fight someone about not drinking. I explicitly told him "I don't make as much money as you." I explicitly told him "These two nights a week I hang out here and I don't really do much else." But either he doesn't get it or he doesn't care. Yes, I may be sitting at a bar, but if you see me drinking water, I'm not fucking "drinking," dude, and I probably don't want to. In fact, he did this last week and it made me feel bad but he went to this place where I was, sat next to me, and kept asking me to come somewhere else. I must have told him "no, I'm going to stay here" like 10 times before he got the hint.

So how do I tactfully tell his guy to leave me alone. Remember: He's a coworker, sort of. And he's someone I bump into a lot. And we know a lot of the same people, in and out of work. I don't want to piss him off. I don't want to be rude. But telling him "no, I don't want anything to drink" and "no, I'm going to stay here" doesn't seem to work.

Or comment in any other way you see fit. I'm just fucking frustrated and ranting.

Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
Drez on

Posts

  • B:LB:L I've done worse. Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Man, if you didn't want to go out drinking with me, you shoulda just said so!


    Nah, this isn't your fault, you just have an inability to tell him no means no. It seems drinking seems to be the connecting point between him and you during those outings, so you could always make up a lie and say that you can't drink while you're on some sort of medication. If he continues to pressure you to drink after knowing that, well, you have a different set of problems at hand.

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  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Oh I forgot to mention: it takes me at least 1.5 hours to get home, but after 1AM it takes me about 2-3 hours. He lives about 15 minutes away from anywhere we go. He knows this. I keep telling him this. To be fair he offered to let me sleep over, but how am I going to get dressed in the morning? It's not like I have a wardrobe of my clothes in his home. On a work night, that's kind of important.

    Drez on
    Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    B:L wrote: »
    Nah, this isn't your fault, you just have an inability to tell him no means no.

    But a part of me thinks this must be my fault. I just don't want to have to keep saying "no." I shouldn't have to say it more than once, though, if he had any respect for me.

    Drez on
    Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I'm really trying to figure out what to do here to preempt this happening again. Is it possible to, tactfully?

    Should I talk to him face to face and just lay it out? "Listen, I can't go out Mon-Thurs like this anymore..." And give him my reasons? I mean I've basically told him this, but maybe my language wasn't getting through.

    Drez on
    Switch: SW-7690-2320-9238Steam/PSN/Xbox: Drezdar
  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Face the fact that your relationship with him at work will be weird. I think your best bet is just the direct "I can't afford/can't do it time wise" line. Definitly avoid "you creep me out".
    Creepy guys are alwaysw the ones who show up to work with a gun.

    Next time he asks, "look Rump-buddy, I had alot of fucking fun last time, but I just can't stay out that late and spend that much money... ever. Thanks for asking me all the time, and totally let me know every now and then if somethign comes up. No promises on it though, ya know?

    Improvolone on
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  • dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Just say, "No, I really can't go out anymore. I don't have the money and it's screwing with my sleep."

    If he keeps harassing you, he's a douchebag anyway.

    dispatch.o on
  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    this guy isn't "creepy" - I've dealt with creepy dudes at work before too. This guy just parties too much and expects me and my wallet to tag along, which I simply cannot do. I want him to stop asking me to hang out, or at least take my first "no" as my final answer.

    edit: Thanks for the advices, though. I guess I should do that.

    Drez on
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  • InfidelInfidel Heretic Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    He's beyond being able to pick up tactful signals.

    You will just have to stand your ground. You don't need to be super blunt or cut off contact so long as you can actually say no to him. He keeps pestering you because you have shown you can cave, but if you stand your ground he eventually will get bored of hassling you. I mean, he's probably not malicious and trying to just have what he thinks is a good time, so be a wet blanket and insist you can't join him.

    You may end up not partying with him on the weekends since he might give up on you, so if you would miss that then it's a tricky issue but you gotta decide on your priorities. It's possible that you guys could straighten things out and rock the weekends while he respects your wishes during the week, but I'm not horribly optimistic from the sounds of things.

    Infidel on
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  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Infidel wrote: »
    He's beyond being able to pick up tactful signals.

    You will just have to stand your ground. You don't need to be super blunt or cut off contact so long as you can actually say no to him. He keeps pestering you because you have shown you can cave, but if you stand your ground he eventually will get bored of hassling you. I mean, he's probably not malicious and trying to just have what he thinks is a good time, so be a wet blanket and insist you can't join him.

    You may end up not partying with him on the weekends since he might give up on you, so if you would miss that then it's a tricky issue but you gotta decide on your priorities. It's possible that you guys could straighten things out and rock the weekends while he respects your wishes during the week, but I'm not horribly optimistic from the sounds of things.

    I mean, that's the thing: I like the guy. I do. We have fun. I don't want to cut off contact with him completely. Maybe the thread title and the tone of the OP are a little harsher than I meant them to be. I don't dislike him, but this particular week he was asking me to get a drink with him Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then yesterday. I had a whole conversation with him about how I'm trying to cut down my drinking. And now, after the fact, I'm very annoyed. But it's just a temporary thing for me - I need to save a little money and I need to stop feeling drunk during the week. But I don't want to not see the guy anymore. I just don't know how to manage this relationship.

    Drez on
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  • InfidelInfidel Heretic Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Drez wrote: »
    Infidel wrote: »
    He's beyond being able to pick up tactful signals.

    You will just have to stand your ground. You don't need to be super blunt or cut off contact so long as you can actually say no to him. He keeps pestering you because you have shown you can cave, but if you stand your ground he eventually will get bored of hassling you. I mean, he's probably not malicious and trying to just have what he thinks is a good time, so be a wet blanket and insist you can't join him.

    You may end up not partying with him on the weekends since he might give up on you, so if you would miss that then it's a tricky issue but you gotta decide on your priorities. It's possible that you guys could straighten things out and rock the weekends while he respects your wishes during the week, but I'm not horribly optimistic from the sounds of things.

    I mean, that's the thing: I like the guy. I do. We have fun. I don't want to cut off contact with him completely. Maybe the thread title and the tone of the OP are a little harsher than I meant them to be. I don't dislike him, but this particular week he was asking me to get a drink with him Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then yesterday. I had a whole conversation with him about how I'm trying to cut down my drinking. And now, after the fact, I'm very annoyed. But it's just a temporary thing for me - I need to save a little money and I need to stop feeling drunk during the week. But I don't want to not see the guy anymore. I just don't know how to manage this relationship.

    Oh I understand completely, I've had friends like this before. Just realize that if you make the choice to say no and not go out every weeknight you're making the right choice but it will probably put you in the "don't bother inviting out he just says no" group even when the weekend rolls around.

    These friends I wouldn't see nearly as much, but we were still on good terms. Our lifestyles were just not compatible, like in your case, and that's life.

    It's like people getting married. Say that was the situation for you, now you are the used-to-be-cool married dude because you can't party every night blowing all your money. Usually people just accept this and kinda part ways, no drama involved but the change in your life just isn't going to work with what they want from you.

    So that's why I'm not optimistic about things otherwise staying the same, once you become the "married guy" you will likely miss out on all of it.

    Infidel on
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  • DrezDrez Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Infidel wrote: »
    Drez wrote: »
    Infidel wrote: »
    He's beyond being able to pick up tactful signals.

    You will just have to stand your ground. You don't need to be super blunt or cut off contact so long as you can actually say no to him. He keeps pestering you because you have shown you can cave, but if you stand your ground he eventually will get bored of hassling you. I mean, he's probably not malicious and trying to just have what he thinks is a good time, so be a wet blanket and insist you can't join him.

    You may end up not partying with him on the weekends since he might give up on you, so if you would miss that then it's a tricky issue but you gotta decide on your priorities. It's possible that you guys could straighten things out and rock the weekends while he respects your wishes during the week, but I'm not horribly optimistic from the sounds of things.

    I mean, that's the thing: I like the guy. I do. We have fun. I don't want to cut off contact with him completely. Maybe the thread title and the tone of the OP are a little harsher than I meant them to be. I don't dislike him, but this particular week he was asking me to get a drink with him Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and then yesterday. I had a whole conversation with him about how I'm trying to cut down my drinking. And now, after the fact, I'm very annoyed. But it's just a temporary thing for me - I need to save a little money and I need to stop feeling drunk during the week. But I don't want to not see the guy anymore. I just don't know how to manage this relationship.

    Oh I understand completely, I've had friends like this before. Just realize that if you make the choice to say no and not go out every weeknight you're making the right choice but it will probably put you in the "don't bother inviting out he just says no" group even when the weekend rolls around.

    These friends I wouldn't see nearly as much, but we were still on good terms. Our lifestyles were just not compatible, like in your case, and that's life.

    It's like people getting married. Say that was the situation for you, now you are the used-to-be-cool married dude because you can't party every night blowing all your money. Usually people just accept this and kinda part ways, no drama involved but the change in your life just isn't going to work with what they want from you.

    So that's why I'm not optimistic about things otherwise staying the same, once you become the "married guy" you will likely miss out on all of it.

    Which is ironic, considering he is married and I am not.

    Drez on
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  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Tossing in something along the lines of "let me know what you're up to now and then" should go a long way to keeping the guy feeling un-rejected.

    Improvolone on
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  • firewaterwordfirewaterword Satchitananda Pais Vasco to San FranciscoRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Tricky situation. The guy certainly doesn't sound like a jerk, so you obviously shouldn't treat him like one. He probably sees it as just trying to get you to have some fun. Tell him what you wrote a few posts back - that you can't keep going out drinking during the week, and that it's becoming a problem for you.

    And tell him this when you're both sober and not anywhere near a bar (or titty-bar).

    firewaterword on
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  • SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I can see where he's coming from, for whatever reason he doesn't want to go home, he's got coin to burn and likes to stay out. I've been that guy. I bought drinks for my not-so-wealthy friends, because they were fun to hang with, and weren't always able to afford to tip'em back like I could. "I'm not drinking" usually meant 'I'm kinda broke" and so heres a drink to you, because of whatever. Maybe you crack me up. Not a lot of things do. You not being able to afford it? Pshh. I'll afford it. My needs are few.

    If you can't keep the pace, it doesn't surprise me. Not many can, really. That's why finding a dude who could for a while was a novel thing. That kind of bud is someone I keep an eye out for. If you're not, no worries, its nothing I expect. I will however, ride you till you burn, as eventually all of em do. So lie to me, be somewhere else for a bit, have other things to do. It's not like I haven't heard these things before. I appreciate your tactful dishonesty. You can save face while I get another one plastered, and when you're feeling up to it, maybe we can hang. Cause you crack me up. Here, have a drink, on me.

    Sarcastro on
  • DeadfallDeadfall I don't think you realize just how rich he is. In fact, I should put on a monocle.Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Sarcastro wrote: »
    I can see where he's coming from, for whatever reason he doesn't want to go home, he's got coin to burn and likes to stay out. I've been that guy. I bought drinks for my not-so-wealthy friends, because they were fun to hang with, and weren't always able to afford to tip'em back like I could. "I'm not drinking" usually meant 'I'm kinda broke" and so heres a drink to you, because of whatever. Maybe you crack me up. Not a lot of things do. You not being able to afford it? Pshh. I'll afford it. My needs are few.

    If you can't keep the pace, it doesn't surprise me. Not many can, really. That's why finding a dude who could for a while was a novel thing. That kind of bud is someone I keep an eye out for. If you're not, no worries, its nothing I expect. I will however, ride you till you burn, as eventually all of em do. So lie to me, be somewhere else for a bit, have other things to do. It's not like I haven't heard these things before. I appreciate your tactful dishonesty. You can save face while I get another one plastered, and when you're feeling up to it, maybe we can hang. Cause you crack me up. Here, have a drink, on me.

    I would read your autobiography.

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  • The LandoStanderThe LandoStander Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I don't know how much of a dick you want to be but an extreme measure, especially considering the strip club, is to tell his wife? Unless she's cool with strip clubs. But that would be an extremely dick move.

    I had a similar friend like this, only the problem wasn't women it was that he was turning into a bit of a militia style nut, with the extreme government distrust and other such things. I eventually just had to tell him straight up that I wasn't comfortable hanging out at all. After that I just went cold turkey as it were, didn't hang out, answer calls, emails and such. I made sure to tell my other friends what the situation was so that he didn't show up at group things (he was sort of a fringe member of our usual group and everyone was in agreement he was on his way to crazy town).

    If you have to sight the money problem and explain you're not cool with him spotting you the cash. Otherwise just tell him it's not cool anymore and it has to end. Obviously keep it polite if you can, but the clearer the better.

    The LandoStander on
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  • 4U2NV4U2NV Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    stop drinking the drinks he buys you

    4U2NV on
  • Folken FanelFolken Fanel anime af When's KoFRegistered User regular
    edited June 2009
    I don't know how much of a dick you want to be but an extreme measure, especially considering the strip club, is to tell his wife? Unless she's cool with strip clubs. But that would be an extremely dick move.

    What the fuck? No... fuck. No.

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  • Blake TBlake T Do you have enemies then? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered User regular
    edited June 2009
    Tell him you have work the next day.

    Tell him everything you told us.

    He isn't in charge of you know.

    It's not a matter of having tact it's a matter of having the balls to say no.

    Blake T on
  • Greggy88Greggy88 Registered User regular
    edited June 2014
    Greggy88 was warned for this.
    Seriously - what is wrong with you? Just tell him you don't want to go.

    ceres on
This discussion has been closed.