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Girlfriend - smoking - and me (LOCK)
mooshoepork
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I've been seeing a girl for about a month so far, and she's amazing. However, when she goes out and drinks, she smokes. She never smokes apart from that. I have no idea why, but this is...pretty much a deal breaker for me. I absolutely loathe it. I don't know why, but it drives me insane
I few people I know have died from smoking related cancers, but other than that I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. I mean, a few smokes every month or probably won't be doing her any real damage, but it pisses me off. Am I being completely unreasonable? I told her what I thought about it, and she pretty much said she wouldn't do it. I guess I'm more pissed off that she wants to.
I don't want to be that controlling boyfriend that stops their girlfriend doing things they want to do, but at the same time it's something that really bothers me.
Am I being unreasonable?
Why do I care so much?
I few people I know have died from smoking related cancers, but other than that I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. I mean, a few smokes every month or probably won't be doing her any real damage, but it pisses me off. Am I being completely unreasonable? I told her what I thought about it, and she pretty much said she wouldn't do it. I guess I'm more pissed off that she wants to.
I don't want to be that controlling boyfriend that stops their girlfriend doing things they want to do, but at the same time it's something that really bothers me.
Am I being unreasonable?
Why do I care so much?
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It sounds harsh, but if it bothers you that much, it will be poison to the success of your relationship.
You care because health is something you should care about and smoking is willing (although hardly controlled) destruction of health.
The one thing you shouldn't do is hold back or devalue your opinions on the topic because of some type of boyfriend you don't want to be. That's just ridiculous. You are 50% of this relationship and what is important to you holds just as much weight as anything else.
As a former smoker who still has a smoke socially when drinking or with friends, let me warn you ahead of time that she probably won't see what the big deal is. Either you think it's a big deal or you don't, and it will be near impossible to try to change her mind about it. All you can hope for is to get her to stop doing it.
I guess this relationship is over.
How did it just show up? Did you meet her just before you started dating? It will be weirder if you knew ahead of time that she smoked and it is only now an issue.
Well, I'm the same way. I only smoke when I drink and my girlfriend is just like you. She hates it. I'm not 100% sure why, either, but I do know that she doesn't like to kiss me when I smell/taste like smoke. I can understand that. I love her very much and she loves me very much. We've almost been together for a year, so it would seem that all the other things in our life are much more important than smoking.
My advice to you is to try to just work past it and see if everything else there is worth it. Like you said, it's only when she drinks. Don't lose something nice over something so trivial. Best of luck to you.
I don't agree. I think she would stop for me. Well, she's said she would.
I didn't know she smoked socially before I started seeing her.
She won't stop, not even for you.
Trivial to her and you, but not to him.
why's that? She isn't (or doesn't seem to be) addicted. It's usually one night a month. She's said she would stop for me, so why wouldn't she?
I mean, if I did something that bothered her enough, I'd stop doing it.
Mooshoepork's old lady likes him enough that quitting smoking IS something she's doing for herself.
Time will tell if she can indeed quit, or if she finds out that it's harder than expected. Don't hold it against her if she can't keep this promise.
And you are being ridiculously unreasonable about this, for what it's worth. You're right in that it's not going to kill her. And freaking out over smoking doesn't help anyone, ever.
I don't think I'm being that unreasonable. I just find it digusting and unattractive.
On the flip side if you do ask her to quit, and she does it could backfire. Maybe right now that very rare cigarette is enough for her. But if she quits, and breaks down and keeps a secret from you she will end up smoking even more, while at work, nights out without you and it could spiral into a full blown smoking addiction. That exact thing happened to a good friend of mine who was merely a social smoker, quit for his SO and now secretly smokes more than he ever did before.
edit: I mean, I love this girl, but I don't know if I can...cope with this again. I lost two really good friends to cancer, and it just...ugh...I don't know. She has asthma aswell. Boggles the mind.
edit: I'm going to talk to her tonight.
A few cigarettes a month will do virtually no damage to her body. At the very most, it's little enough damage to her body that this is equivalent of you coming in here and saying: "Hey guys, when my girlfriend gets drunk, she wants McDonalds. Now I know she only eats McDonalds a couple times a month, but I've got a stick up my ass I refuse to inspect; should I drump her?"
Yeah, in most societies we're now trained to think that smoking is the most evil thing anyone has ever done. If it wasn't so cliche, they'd probably throw comparisons to Hitler into every health class. It's certainly not good for you, but the point is that people's opinions of smoking now often go beyond simple health-concern.
For the record, I'm not a smoker in the least. I have absolutely no interest in it, and think it's quite silly that anyone does smoke. Nonetheless, it's her choice. It's her choice, and not a particularly big deal because she's not doing that much damage to herself. Asking her to change that, because you have a huge stigma against smoking, isn't reasonable at all. You need to get over it, or dump her.
-Edit-
And personally, I recommend you get over your personal problems and just accept her for who she is, with the implicit understanding that you have faulty emotional issues pertaining to her smoking behavior. You're going to have issues with random stuff regardless of who you date. Sometimes, you can work on them, but often, you just need to get over them. In this case, since you really have no reasonable argument, I would definitely recommend you learn how to get over it.
I appreciate the blunt advice.
I guess I'm worried about it becoming more than social.
Maybe you're right though. I am being irrational.
She won't stop? Just dump her? This is terrible advice.
Mooshoepork, if she said she will stop because it is bothering you, that's fantastic. She obviously isn't addicted to it, or she wouldn't be doing it so rarely. I know plenty of people who have a cigarette only when they drink, and they are fully capable of not having that cigarette if they need to. I've asked them not to light up on several occasions (don't like the smell) and they choose not to rather than go stand somewhere else for the smoke.
What you need to consider though is that if she isn't able to refrain from that occasional smoke, will that still bother you so much? Can you simply ask her to smoke elsewhere on the rare, monthly occasion that the mood strikes her?
Are you worried that this will turn into something more common as this relationship goes forward? If so, bring that up if you find she can't stop smoking. It's a valid concern. I don't know a single person who willingly became addicted to cigarettes, so there is certainly that risk.
You aren't being irrational. If your significant other is doing something that really bothers you, it is in both of your best interests to discuss the problem and come to a solution. That goes for everything from biting your nails to driving too fast to farting in public to swearing like a sailor to smoking.
If it bothers you it should concern her. "People don't change" is a pretty stupid statement. "Some people don't change" is a bit more accurate, and there is the possibility your girlfriend is part of that "some."
Exactly this.
if you ask her to stop and she says she will she will either sneak them behind your back and feel guilty about it, leading to tension in your relationship or, she will be aggravated with you every time she goes out with friends and wants to smoke, but doesnt because you dont like it which will also lead to tension in your relationship.
considering that her actions do absolutely no harm to you, you really have no ground to ask her to stop.
Though I think you're being completely unreasonable if you must have her not want to smoke. Like if she wants to smoke, but chooses not to, I can't understand why you'd hold that against her and think less of her for that.
I could see it being a difficult line to walk. Ultimatums are not a good way to resolve conflicts.
Other than being clear about how much it bothers you I'm not sure what you can do. If you say "stop doing this or I'll end this" well that just doesn't set a good precedent for conflict resolution in this relationship.
Ok well in that case you still can't ask her to quit for you. Something as eminently enjoyable and addictive as smoking is not something that a person can do at the request of another. They may attempt, trick themselves into it, whatever. But the only true way for them to get rid of a vice is for them to want to do it for themselves (as has been stated earlier in the thread.) And as I said before can often backfire and end up with worse results if they attempt to do it for someone other than themselves.
I say ride it out, give it time. It's something very personal to her, or she wouldn't do it. Give it 2 months. If it is still bothering/eating away at you in a few months. Come back here and ask for advice again.
Bottom line, if this is your best friend of four years, and someone you are head over heels for, there has to be certain things you can overlook right? If not then you're not truly head over heels/best friends.
I know plenty of drunk-only smokers who have never even come close to becoming regular smokers. There are tons of people like that out there.
Don't get me wrong, it probably wouldn't be that big a deal for her to stop smoking when drinking, but then again it might. Even if she does stop, if she gets drunk and forgets, you'll probably just annoyed and it'll cause drama.
If it's that big a deal to you, just find someone who doesn't smoke.
Sounds a little different when you replace smoking with video games, doesn't it? Get over it or move on. If dropping the habit is something she actually wants to do... then cool. Otherwise, don't bother trying to change her.
That being said, if it really is a dealbreaker then that's that, and you might as well put that on the table with her now.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
There is also a difference between "I'm deeply concerned about your health and I'm upset that you constantly smell like smoke" and "you smoke once a month so your health isn't the issue, but I've had some bad experiences with smoking so now I go batshit whenever smoking is mentioned in my presence".
One is a legitimate concern for the person along with a reasonable constant annoyance. The other is trying to force one's beliefs onto the person for no good reason.
To bring up the video game example again, this isn't like a girlfriend saying "I'm worried about you, you play WoW all day long and your grades have dropped and I barely see you anymore." This is "My cousin dropped out of high school because he was addicted to WoW so I don't like that you play video games once a week". If a girlfriend had tried to ask me to quit video games over a reason that shoddy only a month into the relationship rather than dealing with the issue on her own, that'd be the end of the relationship for me. Not because video games are so damn important but rather because the girlfriend obviously doesn't give that much of a shit about me if she's willing to thrust unreasonable demands onto me instead of working out issues on her own after only a month of dating. Today it's video games, tomorrow it's the clothing I wear, how I speak, what I think.
It doesn't do any harm to her.
I'm sure every so often you do something that annoys her too.
Satans..... hints.....
I wouldn't dump her unless she actually smoked regularly.
In case you didn't get the memo. Uh, smoking...is harmful to people?
believe it or not if she smokes as rarely as you say she is doing fuck all damage to her body. Also if she has already said that she will stop for you then what's the problem?
Explain that it worries you because of the cancer in the family, and that you don't want her to smoke when she goes out with you. You can also ask her not to smoke at all, but to me that is kind of a dick move.
https://medium.com/@alascii
It sounds ridiculous, is what it sounds like. The analogy doesn't work because playing video games doesn't cause lung cancer.
In any case, I think the general consensus is:
Tell her it bothers you, if she does quit then great. If not, leaving her is the only option if it really bothers you that much. It's only once a month, after all.
https://medium.com/@alascii
I'm aware of this. But no one can argue that smoking once a month is a significant health risk, unless we say that anyone who smokes once a month is going to end up pack a day.
https://medium.com/@alascii
Your only advice in this situation is thus: ride it out. If she quits, then everything is positive. If she does not, then you'll have a problem... BUT, a relapse here and there is to expected of a quitter. Only if she continues her behavior after, say, three months after "quitting" would be the time to bring it up again.
So take her word for it for now, and be encouraging. DO NOT give her a load about how it's ruining her health--it never, ever works. We know, goddamnit. We've heard it all before. Only she can quit, and if the road proves bumpy (which it very well may), then you should be there to support. If it doesn't prove bumpy, then hot damn you've won the lottery.