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Need some relationship advice and opinions...
stoningcrows
Registered User new member
Registered User new member
So bascially I'm in a long distance relationship with my girl and its been a little more than a year. She's planning to go to Vegas with some friends (all single girls) but most of whom I don't really know personally. They're going clubbing and shows and gambling.
1) On one hand I do want her to go, because she doesn't get to go out much with friends because of work. Also its been years since she last went clubbing and she really misses going to clubs with friends.
2) On the other hand, I feel a uncomfortable with the fact that she's in Vegas with friends that I don't really know very well. And because of the fact that she gets drunk very easily and really not a very good drunk as far as I can tell.
We've talk about this and I'm weighing on the side that she should go with her friends. She's offered not to go, but so far I've felt that she should go. However, should I reconsider? Pretty conflicted about this.
Help me Obi wan's??
*sidenote* our relationship is strong and everything else is very good. I've been okay with her hanging out with friends (guys and girls) and going to movies, but nothing like this before.
1) On one hand I do want her to go, because she doesn't get to go out much with friends because of work. Also its been years since she last went clubbing and she really misses going to clubs with friends.
2) On the other hand, I feel a uncomfortable with the fact that she's in Vegas with friends that I don't really know very well. And because of the fact that she gets drunk very easily and really not a very good drunk as far as I can tell.
We've talk about this and I'm weighing on the side that she should go with her friends. She's offered not to go, but so far I've felt that she should go. However, should I reconsider? Pretty conflicted about this.
Help me Obi wan's??
*sidenote* our relationship is strong and everything else is very good. I've been okay with her hanging out with friends (guys and girls) and going to movies, but nothing like this before.
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Pretty much my sentiments. When my ex and I went long distance (she went to Japan to teach English), she was cheating within a month.
Look, your concern is normal, just don't let it get the best of you. You're already in a long distance relationship, so you need to realize that those don't traditionally have the best track record to begin with. If I were you, I'd tell her to have a good time and then try to push it into the back of my mind. Go out with your own friends, do your own thing, don't dwell on her. It's not the easiest advice to hear, but it's really all you can do if you're truly wanting to see this work out.
Pretty much this.
And as Saddler stated, the worst thing that could happen is she has sex with someone and gets an STD.
If you "take her up on this" her single girlfriends will give her the oh my GAWD jessica he is totally trying to control you speech, she will go anyways, and resent you for it/bang (an)other dude(s) while she's there.
That's my guess/intuition anyhow, and FWIW, Ackbar is never wrong.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Well, in fact a girl could just be looking for a quick hookup, I mean, that's practically Vegas' whole advertising angle lately, the whole what happens here, stays here bullshit. Chicks and dudes are the same in that sometimes they just want to get laid.
Regardless op, if you say she shouldn't go, not only will she hold it against you, but it will also do nothing but serve to drive her away. You're not alone in this fear though, I'm sure many a guy finds himself wondering what his chick will get up to while there, you just have to deal with it, if you can't trust her, your relationship is doomed already anyway.
This might not necessarily be the case, it depends on the girl, but you might want to consider the offer not to go seen through byzantine "girl-logic" glasses: If you ask me not to then I won't go and I might even use that as an excuse to not go because I'm not sure I even want to, but if you tell me I shouldn't go I will always remember that and bring it up in arguments at awkward times when you really wish I'd forget about it. This is also a test to see if you're going to try to tell me what I can do and you will definitely lose points if you try to tell me no, in fact, telling me no might make me want to go more than I do now. It also might be okay because maybe I'm only asking you to help me make my decision and what you say doesn't matter at all.
Don't tell her not to go.
Stop being a baby and don't guilt-trip her out of going.
Your girlfriend's friends can be your greatest enemy or your greatest asset, and I've noticed that when they're left out of the equation or ignored, they often trend toward the former.
This is the worst idea ever and is so incredibly transparent it's insulting. The friend will know that he's just really insecure and checking in on his girlfriend and will wonder why he thinks his gf needs a babysitter. She will then tell gf that her bf just called to check in on her and gf will wonder wtf is wrong with her bf that he's calling her friends to check in on her.
If the OP wants to piss off his gf and make her friends think he's weird, however, then this is great advice.
I guess it is kind of weird if you don't know the friends very well. Yeah, disregard what I said.
So anyway, turns out that not only does she want to go just for fun with friends, but also that, part of the reason, she kinda wants to spite me for not being there with her. (I kind of deserve it since factors outside of my control is going to make this long distance relationship even longer). Its not my fault.... and yet it is. I know I can't control her going, but since she told me this ... I'm kind of even more worried! But its all about trust I guess.
Long distance sucks and she needs to decide if she can deal with it like an adult or if she's going to do things to hurt you like a child would.
Sounds like you're pretty insecure about your relationship, and it will only lead to your wife wanting to cheat if she feels like you're always controlling where she goes, what she does, and with who. I think every guy who has a girl with wild, single friends has worried about her going out and getting into trouble. You just have to realize she's an adult and can make her own decisions (good or bad) and let it go.
Did you miss the part where he talked to her and she says part of why she does it is to make him upset?
SO! it is beyond anyone's power to alter another person, unwelcomed. If she wants to go, you should let her go. If her fun is contingent on you being comfortable with her actions, that's different -- HOWEVER -- you have no good way of telling if this is the case. But if she's the kind of person to go, and you're the kind of person to be uncomfortable with this -- then you've got to ask yourself how often you're going to need to "allow" her to be herself, and if this is something you can do -- if this is something you WANT to do.
Seriously?
She is doing it to spite you?
As Vision of Clarity said, there is a difference between feeling uncomfortable about something in a relationship that would naturally happen, and feeling uncomfortable in about something that the other person purposely made. You can't really be angry at someone when factors outside their control made it impossible for them to move there.
There are far greater issues here now, and it's mainly her growing the fuck up.
Satans..... hints.....
Wouldn't put up with any of that garbage personally, but that's me.
Okay, I'm with you so far, but then...
What? How can you conclude that when your girlfriend deliberately does something to spite you that you deserve it because of things that you can't control? I don't think you should feel you're at fault here, based on what you've told us.
Argghh, I hate when women pull that move. Honestly, that's bush league, I wouldn't stand for it. Unless you had been planning the trip together and a boneheaded move on your part screwed stuff up, there's no reason to be put in that kind of spot; whereas it's your fault she's having to do this to you. Regardless not much you can do at this point, long distance relationships put a lot of stress on both people and cause them to lash out. Tell her to go and have a good time.
Yeah I know what your saying. I think I'd better clarify what the situation was. Basically I was applying for transfer to better schools in both places. Some closer to her and others closer to where I'm at. Well I got into the school closer to where I'm at, and its the best of the schools (in terms of prestige), so basically that's where I'm gonna go. (as it turns out I didn't get into any of the schools closer to where she lived, but that was after the decision had already been made) so yeah its my fault and yet its not.
I don't think I'd want to be trying a move as risky as that especially since she's in Vegas! Might win a small battle but lose the war.
Everyone is right though, doesn't seem like I have much a choice here but go with the flow and hope for the best I guess. Cheers everyone!
I don't see how that's your fault at all. I would assume that as your girlfriend, she'd want you to get the best opportunities possible. Hell, I don't know you and even I would want you to get into the best school you could.
Being in a relationship means making choices. If you make a choice that values your own pursuits at the expense of your relationship don't be surprised when the relationship falters because of it.
I assume that as her boyfriend, he would want to nurture and grow their relationship even if it meant choosing a lesser school to do so.
See how it works both ways?
Interesting, but not particularly upsetting. She told you beforehand, which means it's pretty half-hearted. I don't know her or anything, but the fact that she was honest about it once you talked leads me to believe that your extended absence is weighing on her mind, and she's pretty much just missing you.
I've been in a hundred of these things; it always sucks. Don't get caught up in "letting" her do things, though. Don't even think about it that way. You aren't letting her go to a club in Vegas; she's going to a club in Vegas, unless she decides not to, which is different, and should not be influenced by you.
edit: Oh lord, here comes the H/A "Hook up!"/"Break up!" train. This one's as big a deal as you make it. Long-distance relationships are stressful. People get to doing stupid things, like considering going on a trip to spite someone, or, say, considering telling someone they can't go on a really fun trip full of things they never get to do because they're too busy working. If you're looking that hard for a reason to break up, you don't need one.
Not really. The decision doesn't end the ability to nurture and grow the relationship. It makes it tougher, sure. And the question becomes whether she is willing to endure the extra strain that'll come with the OP attending that particular school (although he ended up never really having a choice since he didn't get into any of the schools that were close to his girlfriend). I really feel like choosing the best school is the optimal choice. It does, as you say, increase the chance of the relationship faltering though and that's something they have to discuss. It just seems weird to hear the OP say that by choosing the best school, he is to blame. I simply don't see this as a blame situation. It's that their paths are diverging more than they expected and now they have to deal with it.
Totally this, I know in the world of unrealistic super romantic comedies we're supposed to make extravagant sacrifices for S.O.'s, but that's just not how it is in the real world. I'd pick a better school over a girlfriend every time, and only a damn fool would do otherwise. True if the story works out in the fool's favor it's a great thing, but it never does.
In my experience it doesn't fully translate the other way.
This was and still is a big issue for me. I say that its my fault because I feel like maybe I shouldn't have made that choice to stay where I was, in a way I was putting her 2nd. Maybe this thing is more suited for another thread, but since then I've had a hard time trying to make up for that. I still don't really know the precise thing to do to make her feel better about the whole situation. Maybe there isnt?
I think there's places where I'd draw the line in terms of what she wants to do, but I know that at the end of the day if a person's gonna do something they're going to do it. At the same time I don't believe in having no influence on my girl's decision. Even though its long distance, don't we have some say over what we'd like our partners to do? If she can make requests of me to stop doing something that might make her feel uncomfortable, I think I should have the same kind of right too.
About the Vegas trip, she's definitely going and I told her that I'd want her to go.
Of course you have say. I'm not saying don't consider her feelings, or she shouldn't consider yours, but in this case you going to school is just a few notches higher than her going on vacation. If it bothers you say something, and ask that she do the same, but in the end you have to look out for you first, because asking someone else to do so is selfish.
And also, man. Get real. Don't feel bad for a second because you chose a better school over being close to a girlfriend. If you were married, then maybe I could see feeling bad. If you had kids, then I could really see a problem. But if you aren't in any of the two latter camps, don't worry about it.