The contestants:
Sarah Palin
Sean Connery
Jason or Dashiell Quinn Connery.
Up to final Jeopardy, Palin has been a total retard who insists the show is out to get her and lies about the most obvious stuff, Sean is his old self, and the kid has been moderately intelligent and respectful except for sharing Sean's habit of misreading titles, leading Trebek to comment "you must be so proud" to Sean after an especially bad one.
Trebek: Okay, to end this travesty, I'll bring us to final Jeopardy. And the task I'll be tormented with is... oh, this should be fun... you writing a poem. It can be either an original work or a transcription of a preexisting one. Please write the poem now, and may god have mercy on your souls.
Palin's board (scrolling up) with Trebeck reading out loud:
The Mu'allaqat of Imru-ul-Quais
Stop, oh my friends, let us pause to weep over the remembrance of my beloved.
Here was her abode on the edge of the sandy desert between Dakhool and Howmal.
The traces of her encampment are not wholly obliterated even now.
For when the South wind blows the sand over them the North wind sweeps it away.
The courtyards and enclosures of the old home have become desolate;
The dung of the wild deer lies there thick as the seeds of pepper.
On the morning of our separation it was as if I stood in the gardens of our tribe,
Amid the acacia-shrubs where my eyes were blinded with tears by the smart from the bursting pods of colocynth.
As I lament thus in the place made desolate, my friends stop their camels;
They cry to me "Do not die of grief; bear this sorrow patiently."
Nay, the cure of my sorrow must come from gushing tears.
Yet, is there any hope that this desolation can bring me solace?
I'm going to have to stop you there, but that was beautiful. Let's see what you wagered.
Don'cha know.
Brilliant.
Mr. Connery, shall we see what torture you have for me this time?
Connery: That'sh what-
Trebek: I know. Now for the poem.
The roses are red.
The violets are quite blue.
Your mother's a whore
... and?
Connery: And what? Your mother'sh a whore.
Trebek: Of course. Well, because you're been antagonizing me instead of answering the questions, there's no way you can win, so there's no nee-- [beep] WHAT?
Connery: It'sh theah, diagonally!
Trebek: Sure, why not? Well, let's see what you wagered. The cost of a night with my mother. Wonderful. [Connery gets a point] Really? You too? Fine. What did you put down, Junior?
There once was a man from Nantucket
with a dick so large he could suck it.
Suck my (grand)father's dick, Trebek.
Suck it long, and suck it hard.
Connery: That'sh my boy/girl!
Trebek: Fine. And your wager.
Don'cha know.
HOW? How could you know that? Are you all out to get me?
That bad? I thought it was pretty good when spoken out (with accents), especially the line that gave me the idea:
Roses are red/ violets are blue/ your mother's a whore...
and?
And what? Your mother's a whore.
I even had some alternative wagers:
72.000 of my mother. Let me guess: a conversion rate based on her purity?
Yep
Well, while we're on that subject, you do realize that my mother has been dead for several decades, right?
That's never stopped her before.
This thread inspired me to have a zombie-off with a friend on mine on facebook. We were both at work, sending these things via SMS.
"What was the zombie prisoner wearing?
Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaains"
"What do zombie pilots fly?
Plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanes"
"Why didn't the zombie date that one girl?
Because she was plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain"
"What did the zombie listen to?"
Lady GaGa
and stuff like that.
I posted this on his wall eventually:
"Two investigators are in the pursuit of a serial killer they dubbed the "zombie". They arrived at the crime scene that presented a elaborate and precise murder that resulted in the victim's skull being hallowed out. The lead investigator looks at his partner and says:
"Only one man has the braaaaaaaaaains to do this""
A whale walks into a bar. Under one flipper he has a socket wrench; under the other he has a picture of Princess Di. The bartender asks him: "What's going on? Why're you toting around the picture of a dead princess?" And the whale replies:
In all the world no man was more blessed than Khu, the Grand Shan of Tartary - nor more cursed.
None exceeded him in power or riches, the breadth of his domain, the virtues of his wife, and the vices of his concubines. Such were his blessings, but heed ye his curse.
For Khu, the Grand Shan, suffered from epilepsy, which men call the "falling sickness" - an affliction of sudden seizures, of convulsions occurring without warning.
Like many great rulers, the Shan had enemies. And it remained for one, whose name was Ling-Po, to discover the cause of his curse. The Shan, a learned and intelligent man, was unusually sensitive to crude japes and mindless jests. It was on occasions when he was exposed to such idiocies - most notably in the form of puns - that he became enraged, and thus responsive to his seizures.
Knowing this, Ling-Po devised what is called, in the heathen lands of the West, a "shaggy dog" story - a witless and revolting piece of nonsense designed to lead the unsuspecting reader to a "punchline" in the form of a truly disgusting pun. This particular story might well sicken any reader - and in the case of someone susceptible to epileptic seizures, it might even bring about his death.
Ling-Po inscribed his work on a scroll of parchment inserted in a golden tube, and personally presented it to the Shan as a birthday gift from an anonymous admirer.
Presently it came to pass that the Shan unrolled the scroll. Ling-Po waited, his heart pounding in uncertainty as the Shan began to read. Would the Shan indeed experience an epileptic seizure when he came upon the filthy pun at the end?
The reading concluded, and for a moment Ling-Po waited, wondering if he had failed.
But he need not have worried, once the pun was read. For it was then that the fit hit the Shan.
Roger Zelazny apparently came up with that particular pun one day and was so proud of it that he wrote an entire novel in which to contain it (Lord of Light, in which a Shan is mind-swapped into the body of an epileptic). He would then give the manuscript to his friends and tell them that he'd hidden a great pun hidden somewhere inside, but not where or what it was.
Posts
D-do I know you?
It's possible. You ever hang around a gymnasium?
When I was 8 or so.
So never mind.
The contestants:
Sarah Palin
Sean Connery
Jason or Dashiell Quinn Connery.
Up to final Jeopardy, Palin has been a total retard who insists the show is out to get her and lies about the most obvious stuff, Sean is his old self, and the kid has been moderately intelligent and respectful except for sharing Sean's habit of misreading titles, leading Trebek to comment "you must be so proud" to Sean after an especially bad one.
Trebek: Okay, to end this travesty, I'll bring us to final Jeopardy. And the task I'll be tormented with is... oh, this should be fun... you writing a poem. It can be either an original work or a transcription of a preexisting one. Please write the poem now, and may god have mercy on your souls.
[music, contestants write]
Trebek: ...aaand time's up. Pencils down. Now, let's see Mrs. Palin's gibberish.
Palin's board (scrolling up) with Trebeck reading out loud:
Mr. Connery, shall we see what torture you have for me this time?
Connery: That'sh what-
Trebek: I know. Now for the poem.
Connery: And what? Your mother'sh a whore.
Trebek: Of course. Well, because you're been antagonizing me instead of answering the questions, there's no way you can win, so there's no nee-- [beep] WHAT?
Connery: It'sh theah, diagonally!
Trebek: Sure, why not? Well, let's see what you wagered. The cost of a night with my mother. Wonderful. [Connery gets a point] Really? You too? Fine. What did you put down, Junior?
Connery: That'sh my boy/girl!
Trebek: Fine. And your wager.
See how many books I've read so far in 2010
Roses are red/ violets are blue/ your mother's a whore...
and?
And what? Your mother's a whore.
I even had some alternative wagers:
72.000 of my mother. Let me guess: a conversion rate based on her purity?
Yep
Well, while we're on that subject, you do realize that my mother has been dead for several decades, right?
That's never stopped her before.
Don'cha know. Figures.
You did well with the first half of that. The second was a bit... not there.
Platinum FC: 2880 3245 5111
Also the answer to, "Why did Zombie Grendel attack Hrothgar's hall?"
Why did the Wall Street zombies attack Capitol Hill?
I forgot who came up with that
"What was the zombie prisoner wearing?
Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaains"
"What do zombie pilots fly?
Plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanes"
"Why didn't the zombie date that one girl?
Because she was plaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain"
"What did the zombie listen to?"
and stuff like that.
I posted this on his wall eventually:
"Two investigators are in the pursuit of a serial killer they dubbed the "zombie". They arrived at the crime scene that presented a elaborate and precise murder that resulted in the victim's skull being hallowed out. The lead investigator looks at his partner and says:
"Only one man has the braaaaaaaaaains to do this""
He had a reply when he got home:
edit: excellent, Lurk.
Roger Zelazny apparently came up with that particular pun one day and was so proud of it that he wrote an entire novel in which to contain it (Lord of Light, in which a Shan is mind-swapped into the body of an epileptic). He would then give the manuscript to his friends and tell them that he'd hidden a great pun hidden somewhere inside, but not where or what it was.
What a dick.
See how many books I've read so far in 2010
alternately,
the version I heard was
Heisenberg is speeding down the freeway and gets pulled over by a cop.
"Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know where I am!"
See how many books I've read so far in 2010
A:
What's a foot long, has a purple head and makes women cry in the morning?
The punchlines are merging!
The painter replied "Yes, my lord, I make my paintings by day and my children by night."
I've heard it this way:
If children in the dark cause accidents, then what do accidents in the dark cause?
Alternatively,
and
What's long, hard and full of semen?
On the other hand:
What's the difference between wanking and a par in golf?
What do you call a wife who always knows where her husband is?
...but I can't!