Knocked up and alone
Legendary_Awesomeness
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Hey, so here is my deal.
I was dating this guy, and he got me pregnant. I decided that i was going to keep it, because thinking about abortions after finding out i was prego just made me feel sick to my stomach. He told me he didnt want kids, and didnt wanna have anything to do with the "thing". I told him i wouldnt make him pay child support. Now im not so sure. He tells me that im crazy because of the emotional side of the pregnancy. He thinks these emotions can be easily controlled, which they cannot.
He also refuses to tell his mom, since he doesnt want to have anything to do with it, he says he doesnt want her to either... I disagree with this, If she finds out 10 years down the road she is going to be chocked to hear that she had a grandkid she never knew about!
I have my doubts on whether or not i can do this alone( i have the support of my family, but the child won't have a father...)
And i am really tempted to tell his mother, but i feel like it's not my place.
I was dating this guy, and he got me pregnant. I decided that i was going to keep it, because thinking about abortions after finding out i was prego just made me feel sick to my stomach. He told me he didnt want kids, and didnt wanna have anything to do with the "thing". I told him i wouldnt make him pay child support. Now im not so sure. He tells me that im crazy because of the emotional side of the pregnancy. He thinks these emotions can be easily controlled, which they cannot.
He also refuses to tell his mom, since he doesnt want to have anything to do with it, he says he doesnt want her to either... I disagree with this, If she finds out 10 years down the road she is going to be chocked to hear that she had a grandkid she never knew about!
I have my doubts on whether or not i can do this alone( i have the support of my family, but the child won't have a father...)
And i am really tempted to tell his mother, but i feel like it's not my place.
Legendary_Awesomeness on
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This sure seems like a troll.
2. As far as his mother's concerned, there isn't really any protocol that I'm aware of when someone doesn't want to admit the existence of a child they helped make. Tell her if you want. If you do decide to go after child support she's likely going to notice.
2. It doesn't matter if he thinks you're crazy; the decision to keep the child is yours alone to make.
3. I wouldn't worry about if his mother knows. She'll know soon enough when he's required to take a paternity test and pay child support.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
It's not like you just magically got pregnant. 2 people were involved in this.
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He has a legal obligation to help pay for the child if you do not terminate or put it up for adoption. If so facto. The courts will insist. This is his responsibility too, although like any parent he can choose how much responsibility he wants. There is pretty much a mandatory minimum.
His mother kind of has a right to know, but it is not your place to tell her. She will know by the time you hit your third trimester I'm sure. You and he have to come to agreements concerning this child and your pregnancy now. Does he want to sign away all parental rights (he will still have to pay support, and fucking take it. You would be stupid not to)? Then get a lawyer. Whatever you agree to, go to a legal services place and get shit read into the record.
PM me if you want to talk on AIM. I don't know the details of your situation, but I was young and with child.
Just in case, Backline is a toll-free all-options pregnancy choice counselling line. No pressure. 1-888-493-0092 There are volunteers out there who deal with this on a day to day basis, and may have more apt advice on resources in your area, and people you can talk to and stuff.
I'm not sure if the rules very by state but you may want to speak to someone who can give you more details into how the child support system works, what you are entitled to, etc.
If you fuck there is a risk you have a kid. You rolled seven. If he really didn't want a kid he wouldn't have had sex with you and there is a legal obligation for him to do so.
His parents are going to find out, at that age and paying child support they are going to figure out where a bunch of his income is going to go eventually, but I'm sorry it's none of your business. While he has to pay child support he also has a right not to be involved with the baby if he chooses to.
Really it just sounds like you need someone to talk to, spend time with family and friends and use the counselling number someone just suggested.
Satans..... hints.....
Regardless, the dude sounds like a dick. Young and immature and freaking out, but a dick nonetheless. It's not your place to tell his mom, unfortunately, but you do have a right to seek child support. Unless you became pregnant under false pretenses--i.e., telling him that you were on the pill or sterile yet nether were true--the result is just as much his responsibility as yours.
If you're still early term then you're not too fargone to think this through to all possible scenarios. Do not make assumptions on what will and will not be provided for you.
Not pursuing child support would be insanely reckless.
I hate to say this but having a kid at 21 without a father is social and economic suicide.
The money and happiness you could be potentially robbing yourself of by having this kid in all likelihood will completely trump the psychological impact and all subsequent therapy required from aborting it.
Alternatively, adoption isn't a bad idea either if Canada has a good system for it.
Just to throw my own 2 cents out there though my mother was 15 when I was born and put me up for adoption. I have never met her and cannot understand how hard of a choice it was for her. Whatever you do just know that anyone who gives you any shit for having this child is a jackass who isn't worth your time anyway.
Dude, this is flat out ridiculous. She's not 14 and still in high school. She is an adult with a support system. Yes, it will probably be difficult for her, but it's not the end of her life and happiness. I know people who have had kids at an age younger than the OP and are really happy and doing well and adore their kids.
It will be incredibly hard to raise this child even with help. You should look into adoption if you don't want to consider abortion because it may be the best option for both you and the child.
I'd really like to see the people commenting on this mention their experience in being a parent...
yeah, and prison inmates also think that being jailed was the best thing that ever happened to them
OK, maybe it's not a total absolute typhoon disaster, but it's still a big mistake. If you think that life gets anything but more difficult being handcuffed to another human being for 18 years, guess what, you're wrong.
Do you actually buy food and clothes for yourself? Do you know what childcare costs? Do you know what car seats and toys and activities cost?
If you've got a moral inhibition against abortion then fine, but don't fool yourself into thinking that this is going to be easy or even remotely a good idea.
I am not saying she will automatically fail, I am saying it will be incredibly difficult and may not be the best thing for her or the child.
If you will only be able to come up with an extra $100 a month for twenty years to support the child, then yea, its not a good idea. But children do not cost an extra $600 a month off the bat.
Second hand baby stuff can usually be found at great prices. Store brand formula (if one goes that route), is just as good as nearly half the price, making your own baby food takes more time but is cheaper, etc etc etc.
Do you? Because I do. Look at the lower economic class around you, I can guarantee you that people are doing it on less than you can even imagine. Is it ideal? No. Is it harmful? Probably not unless it is a drastic situation.
She doesn't sound like someone who thinks this will be easy, but all of this "OH NOES!" attitude may be a bit unfounded from people who do not have children.
1. You can't reasonably make the proclamation that it is definitely a 'big mistake' for her to keep the baby, especially since you don't know her or her family, and only know a few details of her situation. It might be a big mistake that you would resent and regret for the rest of your life if you found yourself facing the possibility of having a kid at 21, but you can't necessarily say the same about her.
2. Nobody ever said life gets anything other than 'more difficult' when you are handcuffed to the terrible burden that is your flesh and blood for 18 years, but if that was such a definite dealbreaker nobody would be having kids, ever.
Not to mention, you seem to be totally disregarding the fulfillment people get from having and raising children. It's not all a huge shitstorm of thankless burdensome responsibility.
Fuck, I am a 22 with a 1 1/2 year old and I have a life outside of him (and it is not because his mother has him a lot, trust me on that). Do I sound a bit defensive? Maybe thats because there is a ridiculous about of stupid coming from some people in here about something they are afraid of but have never dealt with.
Besides, it'll probably discourage the fucking douchebag from doing this to another girl.
As a child of a single parent who did it in her early 20's on very minimal child support and a father who also wasn't there I'd say I have some insight. When I compare my adult life to the life of my mother, I wouldn't wish what she went through on anyone. My childhood wasn't harsh, but it wasn't great either, and it took a heavy toll on my mother who worked herself into depression, axiety and a bankruptcy trying to put me through college, and I'll be spending the next 5 to 10 years trying to dig her out of the hole she got herself into for my sake.
Can that all be blamed on her choice to have me? No, but it certainly was a huge fucking factor, and any argument to the contrary I would have a hard time accepting.
This is all of a court of opinion, and based on my proxy experience, having a kid on your own just as you're getting out into the world with no father is a bad move.
Anyways, I know you're young, but youre not that young. Look forward to the fact that you'll be having a kid. Seriously, Congratulations!
I'm living with my parents, I've been buying my own clothes and food and anything i wanted since i was 13. I started working wen i was 13.
My mom had me when she was 22, and my sister when she was 19. I can't say i had the best childhood, seeing as how everything seems to evolve around money nowadays? but looking back, and the things my mom went through for us, and the love she gave us, i would've been happy growing up in a trailer park with a mother like mine.
I'm definitely keeping the child, i already have such a strong bond to it. It hurts to think of it not going to be mine after i have it.
I know i can raise this child on my own, yeah i might not be able to give it a pool in the backyard, but it will appreciate life for more than material possessions.
He originally left me because of my hormonal/emotional breakdowns, now he's coming up with every excuse in the book to not be with me, it just hurts.
Especially since he's depriving his mother of getting to know her grandchild.
I hate to call it the stereotypical male response, but he's probably freaking out about settling down with a kid. If he doesn't want it, he should have been more careful.
Being a single parent has to be one of the hardest things you can do, even with child support. There is without a doubt in my mind no way you want to let him off easy, he needs to help you out. It's his kid, too, even if he doesn't want to think it is.
Also, if you do proceed with keeping the child, PLEASE make sure you get pre-natal care. I cannot stress enough how important this is for both you and your child. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.
Kids aren't automatically unhappy just because they don't have the best sneakers that OMG everyone loves. And kids can make it without having a father. I grew up without a lot of money, without my dad around(had a stepdad after a certain point, but that's a whole different can of worms). Sure, I have to work to pay for my college...but I always had food, and I had fun growing up even if I didn't have every little thing I wanted. Is not being able to pay for your kid to go to college for them, or their wedding or whatever really a reason to give them up for adoption or say something like "do you really want your kid to grow up like that?"
No, absolutely not. They are however at a disadvantage. Especially if the single parent has to work 60 hours a week for things like food and clothing and still comes up short. Unless you happen to get pregnant on accident in your late 20's with college done and/or a good job with health insurance, you are setting both yourself and your child up for an amazingly difficult ride.
My previous "Adoption" post back on the first page wasn't a joke. You need to do what is best for yourself and your child, it will be very hard to think things through clearly not only because of the father being a dick and you having crazy hormone time (which isn't THAT crazy), but because of your age and experience. The problem with being in your late teens and early twenties is that you have the body and desires of an adult, but the experience of a child.
You need to get in contact with your local assistance offices, for financial assistance with medical bills and to give them the heads up to start collecting from the father. It costs around 250k to raise a baby from infancy to the age of 18, not including any sort of medical or special needs. My mom raised me alone, and had me in her early 20s.
In one instant I took away every single opportunity she would have had for another life the second I poked my head into the world and yelled.
I strongly advise you at least look into all of your options, including any advice your family can give you. In the end it is your choice, and there really isn't a "wrong" one, but there are some that will lead you to a life you may be happy in, and others (like not collecting child support) that may lead you to financial disaster and depression.
Although, there is open adoption which is an option you should at least consider.
Anyway, I cannot fathom why you wouldn`t take child support. Even if you`re rich, you can still put that money into an RESP every month and then you`ll have college education already paid for.
Child > you or him at this point. Extra money for the child is a no-brainer.
If he doesn't like it tough shit. Perhaps he should be masturbating instead of inseminating girls if he doesn't want to deal with children.
I am a girl and I can tell you that abortion or adoption would not be part of the equation if it were my baby and wouldn't have been even in my teenage years. Those decisions should be made by the O/P as they are highly personal and individual decisions to make. I know personally I would be racked with guilt knowing that my child was not mine to keep. It's not something that I can clearly explain, but it's something that is just inside of you.
As for what you should do?
1) You should be telling someone else that can support you and start helping you work through some of this crazy mess you are going through. You need all of the support you can get. Even if the people around you are angry at the start, they will find out eventually and you could do with the support sooner rather than later.
2) You should make making an appointment with your local doctor, who can go through all of the prenatal checks, and start you on some vitamins and such to make sure that your baby is healthy. They may also be able to provide you with a referral for someone that can help you work through your options and provide emotional support.
As for the father of the child. Realise that he is probably shocked right now and might need a few days to process everything. You should not tell his mother, thats for him to do - but you should express your wishes to him clearly and consider what sort of arrangements you think you'd like to have in place for when the baby is born.
You also need to think of your baby and seek child support as it is in your best interests to give the child every chance it can get, and not pursuing any extra opportunity to support it is irresponsible regardless of the fathers situation and finances.
I haven't done that in so long, but it's true. We aren't particularly frugal with our kid - new pushchairs, cribs etc. - but even then it's not been nearly as expensive as I thought it would be. If you go out of your way to acquire second hand equipment (which, frankly I'd recommend because there is so much stuff you use for a few months and then never use again) and hand-me-downs the cost for the first few years at least can be minimal. I think when we have our second baby the additional costs will basically be unnoticeable, because we will just reuse all the big ticket items.
Of course, as a single parent there is the indirect expense of either not working or working and paying for child care (if either of your parents don't work, or works shifts they may be able to look after the kid while you work, or work shifts that don't clash with theirs) so yeah, pursue all the child support you can get.
You also need to start looking into governmental support. I am in the US so I don't know what is available in Canada but I know we have support for pregnant women to help them buy healthy foods like fresh fruits and vegetables while they are pregnant and nursing.
21 isn't that young. It sounds like you have support from your parents, I don't think what you are going to do is at all impossible. My sister had my nephew at 22. The biggest expense is childcare, if you can manage that between you, your family and friends you will be way ahead.
I am also going to go against everyone else's advice. Are you good friends with the guy's mother? I know I have become very good friends with some of my boyfriend's mothers'. If she is a person you call on a semi-regular basis about issues that have nothing to do with her son you should tell her. You gave her son a chance to tell her and he didn't, you don't need to deprive yourself of a friend and extra support person. If you want to tell her for some other reason, don't. But she needs to know before you give birth. If he hasn't told her by the time you are 8 months you should tell her because his family might be just as good of a source of free childcare once you need it.
Persue everything that I mentioned about getting legal work concerning your boyfriend read into the record and if the mother still doesn't know by about 6-7 months, I would say you have a right to tell her. Your child has the right to an extended family outside of the father.
This means I am amending my previous advice of not telling her at all.
If you can get your boyfriend to agree to giving up parental rights (which does not include financial responsibility) before the child is born, and he wants to be involved in the childs life at a later time, its in your hands then and not the courts.