Of death and etiquette.

FightTest

I've volunteered for the past couple years at a soup kitchen. I'm in my late 20s and the other folks there are mostly retirement age so while I'm friendly with everyone there's no peer-level friendships, just sort of friendly older-younger person acquaintances.

One of these acquaintances is a guy I would wager in his mid-to-late 50s (but possibly older) who I used to work along with once a week, but for the past year or so really only see in passing once a week. If we talk it's generally sports, never anything deep. Nice guy, quiet sort of like myself.

Anyway I guess his elderly brother whom I've been told he was close with died this past weekend. I signed his sympathy card on Tuesday. Unexpectedly he was in today and I wasn't sure what, if anything, I was supposed to say. I tend to operate by the "treat others as you wish to be treated" standard, but in social situations this is often the wrong answer since I'm extremely introverted and would generally rather be left alone.

I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to not say anything and let the sympathy card do the talking while he tries to move on normally or if I was supposed to pull out a "sorry to hear about your brother." To me it seems like if someone close to me died I'd rather just get the card of well-wishes and not have to talk about my dead <person> every time I saw someone I knew when I was just trying to have a normal day.

So I didn't say anything and acted normal around him. I figured since I had no clue which was proper it was better to err on the side of "would have been nice if he had said something" rather than "what kind of sick fuck brings up my dead brother here and now".

Did I make the correct choice or was I supposed to say something, or is it just something you have to kind of feel out on a case-by-case basis?

a penguin

I'd perhaps politely ask if they were doing ok, and give them a, "If there's anything I can do, just let me know", without ever specifically mentioning "DEAD BROTHER!!!". That way I've acknowledged their loss without slapping them in the face with it, and shown some support.

Enc

If he dosen't bring it up, don't bring it up. I think you made the right call.

TyrantCow

yeah.. i've been in similar situations

i work with lots of older people, one of their daughters was involved in a dispute with her (estranged) husband that lead to a murder/suicide.

i had no idea how to approach that one, "welp, how's your day? know where your grandkids are going to be living?"

it's tough, i think it's appropriate to treat it on a case-by-case basis; and i would err on the side of caution - give your condolences if the other party brings the matter in to discussion.

Shazkar Shadowstorm

look, my friend's dad died but he didn't even tell anyone for a while until the day before he flew home
most of his friends didn't even know why he went home until later
some people like to keep to themselves about things like that... so it is tough to say

Richard_Dastardly

No offense, but I hated it when acquaintances said, "Let me know if I can do anything or you!" after a death in the family. That's because, no, we both know there's little you can do and your offer of assistace is an empty one.

I think a simple, "Sorry to hear about your brother" would work. And then move on. And, not acknowledging the death might be kinda... rude. I say rude because it's obvious people already know, so I doubt it's some secret he's trying to keep.

Corvus

Everyone is different on how they want this stuff handled, but in my experience, I think the best thing is to say "Sorry for your loss". You acknowledge their grief and give them an opening to talk to you about it, or not, as they choose.

Sometimes, its incredibly awkward bringing it up when you're the grieving person, so its good for the other person to broach the subject. Yes, it might be awkward for you, but the grieving person is dealing with the shock and loss of a loved one dieing and the uncomfortable social situation as well.

It is something you have to gauge on a case by case basis and on how close your relationship is.

Chanus

Keep it simple. Let him determine whether or not it comes up. If it's something that's generally known (and he's aware it's generally known), something along the lines of, "Sorry for your loss" would be appropriate.

Dark_Side

It really depends on the situation, but I've found a simple "You have my condolences for your loss" is about the only universal method to defuse what are always confusing social situations. Most of the time though, unless the person brings it up, I won't even say anything. I think you handled it the exact right way.

Topweasel

I am probably not the best person to ask. I have said some of the worst post death lines that you could ever say. My theory is just to ignore it ever happen and invite him out for some beer (preferably after his brothers funeral).

VisionOfClarity

Enc wrote: »

If he dosen't bring it up, don't bring it up. I think you made the right call.

This so hard. Normalcy is a very nice feeling after complete turmoil.

My father died unexpectedly two months ago and I don't know why people felt compelled to bring it up just to say sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was talk about it more, especially with people I barely knew. The only thing worse was when people said "I know what your going through."