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I Have a Fantastic Relationship You All Should be Jealous Of... Except in Bed

Jack the AltJack the Alt Registered User new member
edited July 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
So, as the title implies I have a fantastic, fulfilling and wonderful relationship with an amazing woman, just not in the bedroom.

For the record, this is an alt. In addition, I'm not really looking for anything more than feedback. I don't really have too many people with whom I am comfortable speaking about this subject, but I trust you all to give me many different perspectives and, perhaps, some indelible wisdom. For the sake of the thread, this woman's name is "Jane."

The Skinny:

I am in an immensely fulfilling (intellectual and enjoyment-wise) and stable relationship. We have similar tastes, interests and joys. Our lives are very intertwined (we live together, both names on lease; shared small assets, etc.) and we enjoyable spend the vast majority of our time together, happy. We play role-playing games (World of Darkness has been a huge hit!) board games, we both very much enjoy reading (academic and otherwise,) we truly love and cherish each other.

Of course we've had our bumps and roadblocks. I spent a number of years as a helpless alcoholic (sober 18 months!) and generally shitty person and she has always been there to support, nurture and look out for me. For this I am immensely grateful, for without her I'd probably remain the sorry, pathetic drunk I was. We, of course, have our bad times as well as our good, but our "bad" times hardly ever pass beyond a bad-mood or low blood sugar. We haven't had an honest-to-goodness "fight" in almost two years (we never were the fighting type) and I am very happy with the companionship and love that makes up the majority of my life.

Except in the bedroom. And this is where it gets tricky: Our love life has been a true rollercoaster.

Our early relationship, the first year (I was sober) was predominantly guided by a mutual interest in kinky sex and male-top BDSM. There, I said it.

This was our "honeymoon" period, and I have no qualms about recognizing the joy and sheer energy of something new and exciting. Jane was very interested in our bedroom activities and played the submissive partner immensely well and with enjoyment. Suffice to say that was the time of four romps a day and constant sexual energy.

After the first year, Jane went abroad for six months and I found myself slipping further and further into alcoholism. When she came back both she and I were immensely changed. What follows is not pretty, and the important fact is that it changed both of us as well as our relationship (it's hard to define someone as a "dominant" personality when they're a mess.) I could write a novel about what happened then, but for this sake it seems unnecessary other than to note that I was a pathetic mess.

Let's skip ahead to about 2 years ago.

We both graduate from school and spend the next 9 months living about an hour and a half apart. I get sober in the first three months outside of the "liberal arts bubble" and we make time to see each other 2-3 weekends a month. Things are good. The sex is interesting (it only happens 2-3 times a month and is generally rather vanilla if not rough at times) and we begin to become the adults that we now are approaching our mid twenties.

At this time, now, we have lived together for a year. While we had, previously, co-inhabited before this, it was the first time we were ever actually paying rent for our own place in the real world. Things have been great. We both hold respectable 9-5 professional jobs and our careers are finally beginning to solidify. Suffice to say, I am happy with my life, my friends, my family and my partner.

So, what's the problem?

The problem is entirely within the bedroom. She's my best friend and my greatest supporter, and I hers. I still have a passing interest in the "kinky" aspects of sex while she has lost many of her enthusiasms for the practices. While that isn't the problem on a whole, it probably has more to do with it than I am willing to admit.

The problem is that she is, well, boring in the bedroom. She shows almost zero volition or interest in her own sexuality or her own sexual exploration. While she is insistent on the act of sex, she is uninterested in actually involving herself in acts.

In simple terms, she wants me to "give it to her" but does not want to do much more than lay back and "take it."

The kinky (submissive) aspects of her behavior don't elude me. Yet she is uninterested and does not respond to actual stimulus. She doesn't put her foot down and say "no kink!" but she certainly doesn't enjoy it either on the few occasions when I have tried to get her interested through the acts.

This is nothing new, I suppose. She has always been rather passive and uninvolved during sex, from the beginning. What kills me now is that she doesn't actively seem to get more than a psychological "He loves me ergo he has sex with me" response from any sort of sex act.

As our love life has become more and more "vanilla" her response has become more and more... boring.

Now, I don't really get off on having a warm blow-up-doll in my bed, but for the sake of the metaphor, that is the core of her sexual being. I want to be very clear that this isn't some "I'm going to lay motionless and not enjoy myself" sexual sacrifice, but a "I want you to do all the work and I'm going to just enjoy it" sort of situation.

Of course, what I enjoy, what she enjoys and what turns us on have changed dramatically from that initial year. I do not "need" much more than for her to simply be an active participant.

Suffice to say, it really needs to be a two-way street for it to be emotionally enjoyable for me.

Just to address, initially, some of the responses I'm sure to get:

Communication: My goal in all of this is to have a conversation with her. I, in no way, believe that my problems will be solved by poring my heart out to an internet forum. We have had "mini conversations" about our sex life and such, but they have never been more than talk. I really want to get some feedback before having this conversation because I do believe that approaching the conversation from a number of different angles is more useful than simply barging in and seeing what happens, because, frankly, I'm pretty clueless as to what I may accomplish.

Fantastic five-year relationship, expect in bed. She is rather uninvolved in the act and that doesn't do much for me. Want to talk to her about it, but have no idea where to begin.

Jack the Alt on


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    cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    You could ask/tell her to do some stuff? Like, during?

    cooljammer00 on

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    SarcastroSarcastro Registered User regular
    edited July 2009

    Breaking out of routine is difficult for everyone. Sounds like you're talking about passion, and bringing that back into the relationship. No fights? No drama? Easy living- but with no edge, everything reaches a comfortable stasis. By this time, you both probably feel as though there isn't much about the other that is new or surprising. The kinks have been worked out- and unfortunately, you want to put some back in.

    Passion is energy, and it has to come from somewhere. Thing is though, just talking or gaining compliance from her isn't going to add muster that up. So if you want it, you have to provide that energy, and hope to hell it comes back to you. That is a tall order, given that most people will give up after a few weeks or months, and things settle down again.

    Keeping things fresh is such a common problem that there are thousands of books and 'answers' out there. Some of them may work, but like everything else, you only get out what you put in. In fact, you don't even get that at the beginning. The ball is easier to keep rolling once you've started it, but it will always take energy and maintenance, always.

    One of the questions you should get around to asking yourself is whether or not you are truly capable of putting in the effort it takes to achieve what you would like to attain. Everyone would like a nice car, but they may not have the means or ability to get one. Educating yourself is a good start; makes your work more efficient. In the end, you still have to put in that work.

    "I am already, tho", in case you were thinking of using that one, is not a good answer. Honestly, it's going to take more. A lot more. You have to not only have enough effort to cover your own changes in habit and routine, but to carry her along as well. You'll have to essentially put in enough effort to overload her current habits and provide a better situation to move toward- not just for you, but for her as well.

    People can often be pressured to perform, but creating a sustained impetus for change requires provided something that triggers the internal motivations for someone, so they move into what that new situation requires them to be. There is a natural resistance to change that almost everyone has, and if you want to overcome that resistance, you'll have to supply passion and forward motivation, as well as a genuinely better situation to go to. Not just your situation, but her situation. Defining what that might be in usable and concrete terms is probably the biggest stumbling block you'll have to face.

    So. You've set aside a defined percentage of time and financial resources. You've psyched yourself up, and you're ready to hit the ground running. You are clear and direct in your purpose, you can fall, fumble, get shot down, break a leg, take a hit, and you are filled with enough resolve to get back up and try again and again until you make it. You've thought about it enough to develop a sense of humor about it. You've looked at the positives in the zero forward motion scenario, and made yourself okay with it. You're ready to grow.

    Do you know exactly what you want for yourself? Is there a real situation you see? Is there something you want to see in her? The next step is translating abstract ideas of ability and performance into real things that can be accomplished with the time, money and effort you have set aside. Take the more complex things and break them down into simpler items.

    ie. If you want her to dress up, start buying her clothes for special occasions. Create special occasions to wear them. Establish that dressing up is something folks do; inside, outside, home, dinner time, bedroom time. Provide a selection of materials and develop your own eye enough to be able to complement and go well with these things. Know what you're doing, be a good match. Ensure that dressing up creates an atmosphere both of you appreciate. Be genuine, be fair, be realistic, and be even. Hold and prepare yourself to the same standard.

    Keep your goals in mind, but remember that you are only half of the progress. Be willing to shift, be willing to change and adapt, be willing to let some things go. If it is really important to you, keep working towards that goal. No one person can ever stand in your way if you are truly dedicated to achieving something. In the same measure, ensure that every step forward has a measure of reward, and others will join you on your way. Be patient, be good natured, but be relentless. Select your goals and press forward, always.

    Talking is talking. It helps define what is, but it does not create what is. You want something new, a tangible and real difference, and that requires that you do something new, something tangible and different. Talking is not doing, doing is. Talking makes a great guide for effort already in play. You can use conversation and sharing to make sure the details along the way are going smooth. But it's no substitute for good ole' fashioned work.

    Put in the work before you have your conversation, because if you can't bring yourself to do actual things, hard things with no immediate payoff, challenging things that require frustration and stubborness, intricate things that are hard to see and understand, you aren't going anywhere. Passion is time, focus, and energy with a dash of self-abandonment. Bring some to the table. The more you bring, the better everyone eats.

    Sarcastro on
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    RazielRaziel Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    ^^ Not quoted or limed because there's an effload of it.

    Put in some effort, bud. If you want to pump a bit more fire into the sex, maybe make it a bit more special. Cook dinner, mix up some lemonade or something from scratch, light some candles, draw out the foreplay and play your woman like a harp. You guys were into male-top BDSM, right? So tap into that and take charge.

    Raziel on
    Read the mad blog-rantings of a manic hack writer here.

    Thank you, Rubacava!
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    JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Just make her be on top sometimes. Or hit it from behind. Switch it up to some positions where she has to do some work.

    JebusUD on
    and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
    but they're listening to every word I say
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    HK5HK5 Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Try asking her to dress up in a way that makes her feel sexy. Whether that is just sexy lingerie, some kind of leather and chains outfit, or role playing a naughty nurse - sometimes all it takes is a change of appearance to make a woman start thinking about herself differently. If you play along with the fantasy she creates you can tap into the sexual energy you can both channel into alter egos.

    HK5 on
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    Romero ZombieRomero Zombie Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    HK5 wrote: »
    Try asking her to dress up in a way that makes her feel sexy. Whether that is just sexy lingerie, some kind of leather and chains outfit, or role playing a naughty nurse - sometimes all it takes is a change of appearance to make a woman start thinking about herself differently. If you play along with the fantasy she creates you can tap into the sexual energy you can both channel into alter egos.

    Naughty nurse??? Shit, will have to try that one with the wife. I think best option for you is to talk to her man. Tell her what's on your mind, make sure she is enjoying it. My wife and I have been together for five years now and we still have a healthy sex life. Some nights she gets what she wants and some nights I get what I want. If there is the "Sex because we have to" then that is a relationship destined for failure.

    Romero Zombie on
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    ceresceres When the last moon is cast over the last star of morning And the future has past without even a last desperate warningRegistered User, Moderator mod
    edited July 2009
    If you're asking us for input before you've talked to her... I don't know. It's hard for us to give you any real input because we don't know her side or what the problem might be or what you might do to fix it because you haven't asked her. So your anticipating the question and responding with "I know, and I totally will at some point" is essentially worthless to us. We can sit here and list the possibilities for you, but she lives *right there*, and she's much better set up to answer your questions.

    Basically, we cannot have this conversation with her. All you can do is tell her what you told us and see what she does. Need advice from there? Someone might be able to give you a useful response to that. If you can't even talk seriously with her about it, your relationship isn't as wonderful as you think.

    ceres on
    And it seems like all is dying, and would leave the world to mourn
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    dispatch.odispatch.o Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    You could consider she was just doing the Kink thing for you and wasn't getting much out of it. Did you ever have normal sex where you just did different positions and cuddled?

    dispatch.o on
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    ihmmyihmmy Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    we've also hit a sort of stagnant, intermittent sex point...

    our solution was to each write down 4 things we wanted to try. Didn't have to involve intercourse necessarily (included things like him cumming on me, or mutual masturbation). We each wrote our items on 4 different cue cards, for a total of 8 card (4 each). The theory is to try and do two of them a week, one of each persons. Alas, we've been insanely busy with house buying, packing, cleaning, animals, and life in general so it's sort of been put on hold but I do think it's going to help us a bunch...

    ihmmy on
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