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Guy wants to be sappin' my fiancee.
TL DR
Not at all confident in his reflexive opinions of thingsRegistered User regular
Not at all confident in his reflexive opinions of thingsRegistered User regular
I come to you with a dilemma, and hopefully you can provide some insight. My fiancee and I are exclusive, mostly due to her strong aversion to the idea of polyamory. I'm not a jealous dude. Lately she's been talking to another guy who obviously has feelings for her. They're talking in a platonic manner, and I trust her not to go behind my back.
However, I'm stuck with how to handle this guy (who I'm on decently friendly terms with, only met a couple times) and the possibility, nay probability of him trying to put the moves on my fiancee. It's not that I would prefer her being with me exclusively over him if she'd be happier otherwise, it's that I would feel infringed upon if the guy pursues a romantic relationship under the assumption that I would not be okay with it and so attempts to keep his efforts covert. To somewhat complicate matters, he makes more money than me (I'm currently underemployed) and I know the missus has been feeling the pressure from both her and my lack of surplus income.
So my question I guess is how to treat this guy? It seems so classless to say "You want my woman! I will fight you!"
Thanks for any and all advice.
However, I'm stuck with how to handle this guy (who I'm on decently friendly terms with, only met a couple times) and the possibility, nay probability of him trying to put the moves on my fiancee. It's not that I would prefer her being with me exclusively over him if she'd be happier otherwise, it's that I would feel infringed upon if the guy pursues a romantic relationship under the assumption that I would not be okay with it and so attempts to keep his efforts covert. To somewhat complicate matters, he makes more money than me (I'm currently underemployed) and I know the missus has been feeling the pressure from both her and my lack of surplus income.
So my question I guess is how to treat this guy? It seems so classless to say "You want my woman! I will fight you!"
Thanks for any and all advice.
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But that's really not true. If it bothers you, I'd talk to her about it. Not sure what that's going to do, maybe she could talk to him.
Sure. We've talked about it at length. Like I said, I trust her.
edit: I guess my problem is more how to handle the dude. All I know is that he's said he'd like to get to know her better, and should she and I break up he would like to try to be with her.
Also, while it's not your place to tell your fiance who she can associate with, I think it's perfectly fair to expect her to set non-negotiable boundaries with her male friends in a way that makes it clear to them that they have no chance at becoming more than friends.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Beyond that, I'm a bit confused where you're coming from op, it's hard to exactly tell what your problem with the situation is, you seem more worried about ruining a friendship than your fiance running around on you. I would just tell the guy, "look I can tell your into my woman, she's spoken for by me, and I would appreciate you not making romantic gestures toward her in the future. It's totally fine that you guys are friends though."
Dunno if you saw the edit on my last post. The info about what he's said has come from my fiancee. I've also seen vague posts on his facebook to the tune of 'excited about meeting a new person' the weekend after they were introduced.
Fine. She says she likes him as a person and wants to be friends, and is unhappy-but-understanding that I might have a problem with him.
The only times the guy has seen her, I've been present. All the flirting and whatnot has been via SMS and Facebook, and only over the last 2-3 weeks.
Maybe I'm overreacting.
edit: this was to Tim's post, not Ponge's. I agree with Ponge, your fiancée should be the one to make a move if she feels it's warranted.
If she asks what she should say I would suggest what I have said to women in the past and just said that their behavior is unacceptable and they should stop it because it is making her uncomfortable.
Satans..... hints.....
Also, there's such a thing as a healthy level of jealousy. It's natural, a basic instinct even. Your only options now are to ignore it and hope she rebuffs him, tell her you're not OK with the level of flirting that's going on as it's starting to border on cheating (if it has gone that far, that is), or the next time you're with her and he's there too take him aside and have a civil conversation, and simply say you know how he's been interacting with her and you're not OK with it, and would prefer that he'd stop. None of the three are great options honestly, all three have definite downsides, but such is life when you're dealing with triangles.
It's not your place to talk to him, it's hers. You've already told her that the flirting bothers you and really there is nothing else you can do but wait and see what she does.
How about instead of worrying about this guy, you spend your time thinking of a way that both of you could get out and have some fun together. Maybe try something new or go somewhere neither of you have ever been.
I would wager she is unhappy about it as she feels he does not trust her. I had a stupid ex-girlfriend that was insanely of all women, nothing would shit me off more when she go on with something like "Well what if you left her for me?" type bullshit, on reflection my answer should have been a well leveled response of, "Well I'd be happier because you wouldn't be bothering me anymore about it now would I?" (On a side and more hillarious note I am pretty sure she is dating someone who did hit on her all the time when we were dating)
Satans..... hints.....
It sounds like there are two things going on.
First, the other guy. Sure, he's got feelings for your wife. That happens. The real issue is that you're afraid that he's going to try to put the moves on her in a backhanded way. Regardless of how secure you are in the relationship, that indicates disrespect to you and your wife, and I can understand being uncomfortable with that.
Second, you're feeling insecure in your relationship because of financial stress. You'd be feeling insecure regardless of this other man's presence, however his presence makes the financial issue hard to ignore. But if he goes away, that doesn't eliminate the fundamental insecurity issue.
I second what everybody says: "talk to your fiance." What will help the first issue is if you talk about the possibility that he'll try to put the moves on her. Ask her if she sees his attraction, too; find out what she's planning on doing about it; and what she would do if he made a move. The key word here is ask. Don't suggest, don't cajole, don't demand... just find out what she's thinking and feeling. Once you've really listened to her and accepted her point of view, then offer your own. I suggest treading gently - use your best relationship communication skills; use lots of "I" statements and neutral language. You don't want to come across as accusatory or jealous. Take ownership of your own discomfort but don't project it on her or him - admit you're feeling uncomfortable, and recognize that the best way to deal with it is to talk about it calmly and maturely.
And of course talk to her about the financial situation; where you guys see your financial future in five or ten years; how the financial situation affects your relationship and the wedding I assume is happening in the future. Having a gameplan to deal with the financial stress will help you feel more secure about it.
the "no true scotch man" fallacy.
Don't lessen his doucheyness in the eyes of your wife by acting controlling or jealous--if you trust her, just let her do her thing. If your trust is well placed, things will work out swimmingly. If something does end up happening, your trust was misplaced and it's better you find out now.
There are a whole pile of options that involve watching over her and talking to this guy, but they all add up to you looking like a prick and your fiance not really learning how to deal with these situations--they'll come up often.
Without knowing anything else about the situation, and a high possibility of being wrong: this sounds mildly obsessive to say that soon after meeting someone.
"Not now hunny I'm with the guys."
"What?"
"How about you go get us some more beer."
Yes, inviting the guy who he suspects of wanting to bone his fiancee into his home and making it normal for him to be there is a great idea.
but they're listening to every word I say
That's some good, level-headed advice right there. Take it.
I support the opinion above this post,
I think that if you voice your concerns to your fiance without ordering her to do things one way or the other,
and she can't make the right choice,
I think you can finish the thought.
Contrary to that wall of fucking lime above this post, your fiancee should smarten the fuck up. Befriending people with this attitude only encourages the behaviour and is hurtful to their partner. Making declarations like this and flirting with her should be clear signals to her that she needs to end the friendship if he can't accept that she isn't available.
Ultimately, she will either eventually come to the realisation that this guy is coming on too strong and sever connections with him, or not. If the latter, you have problems.
If it was me, I'd be asking her what she is thinking continuing her friendship with this guy. If she wants to flirt with the attention of other men, what exactly is my role in this relationship?
after a while, if she is sending the not-so-subtle cues that she is happy with her relationship, the dude generally mellows and you have a great friend. if you ham-handedly go 'STOP FLIRTING WITH ME GOSH' then you ruin a friendship over some temporary silliness.
to the OP- you've talked it over with your lady, so she is aware of how you feel, and how the other guy feels, it is now out of your hands. your lady will either be loyal or not, it is now up to her.
to me, that sounds like the clock just starts counting down
Well, I think that depends very much on the degree of flirting - how heavy the guy is coming on, whether the girl is putting it down, reciprocating or leading it on etc.
Pretty much everybody 'flirts' to some degree but, without wanting to sound too prudish, there are appropriate levels beyond which the soft touch doesn't really cut it any more. Presumably you have a boundary beyond which it isn't just 'a friend being silly', right?
I've had to cut one guy friend completely out of my life and another temporarily because they couldn't respect the fact that I had a boyfriend and did not want to be flirting with them nor did I enjoy their romantic nuances. After flat out telling one this and him not fully getting it he was gone because I didn't want to deal with that. The other I had to take time away from because it was just awkward having my buddy that I used to hang out with a lot develop feelings me and it ruined pretty much everything until he got over it. There has never been anything fun, for me at least, about having guy friends who like me and openly show it.
I have learned this through years of hands-on field research. Committees were polled, data was collated, wind tunnels tests conducted. She always goes home to her boyfriend.
I resent the labeling of your male friends affections as 'being silly'. I also would like to contradict my previous post and point out that most girls I have met who mention their boyfriend every three minutes are usually the ones who want you to take them home. There is something about that boyfriend reference that is like a get out of jail free card for girls. As I understand it, it goes something like this, if the girl mentions to the guy that she is seeing someone, it isn't her fault if she ends up sleeping with someone else, she said she had a boyfriend after all!
Anyway to the OP there are a few things you can do. A few subtle or not-so-subtle hints around this cat should be enough to let him know you are onto his nefarious designs, but if he is as desperate and alone as, say, me, that's not going to stop him. In the end you need to trust your fiance. If she is worth you time, it won't go any further than flirting, but if it does, then no big loss, right? Putting a ring on her doesn't make her your property, that's what zip-ties are for!
and kisses him with the taste of the other guys love barely off her lips
EDIT: Okay, that was dickish, but seriousely, maybe its just me, but self control in terms of sex seems to be fairly non existant in my latest endeavours and the recent endeavours of others around me
Anyway, I had started working and the fiancee had started a course in college. She was making friends and what not which I was cool with and such but there was one guy who just seemed...well off to me. About a month into her course we were running into a bit of trouble with a cable payment and this guy offered to pay her cable bill which was well over $100. I wasn't really comfortable with this considering the fact that she'd known this guy only a month. She told me there was nothing to worry about so I remained cool headed. Things continued where he would come over and buy pizza, hanged around with her constantly, helped her make posters when she ran for trasurer in the student council, etc. so eventually I just sent a reasonable email stating my concerns essentially saying "Look, I respect your friendship with my fiancee but I'm feeling uncomfortable with some things that have been going on...". He responded in kind saying that his intentions were nothing but noble and that he was merely seeking friendship. I brought it up to my fiancee who was happy that we seemed to sort things out. I was fine with things and he did seem to cool things a bit.
Fiancee and he remained friends even after college and eventually we moved to where we were now. Fiancee went to visit friends one time a few months after we moved while I stayed home with our son and she came back.
Years later when we're having problems (going through financial hard times actually) she gets flowers from said guy with a card saying "For no reason, the only reason". Well, it sort of sent a bit of an alarm in me and even her mom who lived in our building thought it was rather odd for a friend to do. I brought it up and it turned out that when she'd visited a couple years prior she visited with him as well and he professed his love for her. She said she turned him down and nothing happened to which I believe her (though some people wonder on this as she didn't say anything till years later) and after the flowers she realized that she had to cut the guy loose. So she wrote a letter to him and asked him to stop contacting her for a while.
So, from personal experience, talking to the guy has a possibility of having things toned down but at the same time depending on how he feels, you can't really stop it. Your fiancee is the one that needs to put the foot down.
I would pay close attention to how your fiancee handles this particular situation, though. If she basically ignores your concerns, well, that's not a great sign for the impending marriage. Relationships, especially those that are serious enough to become legally binding, depend strongly on each partner's willingness to listen to the other's concerns. It's no longer a 'you' and 'she' situation, it's a 'we' situation. That's not to say that you cease to be individuals, certainly not, but in situations (such as this one) where something affects the both of you, it's absolutely imperative that concerns are heard and addressed.
This guy isn't just going to "get over it" or lose interest, because that's not how emotions work. If someone is attracted to someone else, that can't really be switched off like a lamp. It's entirely up to this guy to determine how he feels about your fiancee, and since he apparently feels strongly enough to A) make his intentions known to a clearly involved woman and
After all, what's the more important thing at stake here: the (I'm assuming lengthy) serious relationship or the disrespectful, overly-flirtatious potential guy "friend"?
Regardless of what you do, it comes down to this. It would be great if you could just be the perfect non-emotional human and let her flirt with as many guys as she wants without it bothering you, but that probably isn't going to happen. It's pretty clear that this guy is hoping to be more than friends with her at some point and that it's bothering you. Make 100% sure your fiancee knows that the way he acts bothers you and let her figure out what to do about it.