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Potentially destroy a budding friendship?
DarwinsFavoriteTortoise
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So I think I know the answer to this...I just need someone else to say it.
Here goes:
I have known this girl (Sarah) for about eight years. Those eight years were really nothing though. We went to the same schools, had some of the same classes, but our friendship never extended past the school halls, and its not like we were "BFF" in school anyway. Just the occasional "Hi" in the hallways.
Now we're both in college: she went out of state, and is home for the summer right now...I currently am going to school in-state. For some reason we started talking a bit on AIM in February, and that just elevated to texting a few days ago. And when I say texting, I mean freaking TEXTING. We send hundreds in a day.
Anyway, we've been hanging out in real life recently as well. I'm definitely getting an idea that she likes me, but I don't want to do the long distance thing, you know? She'll be on the other side of the country in a few months.
Something to consider is that I've been wanting to transfer to where she is going (even before all this). I think I'm going to do it next year. Even with that said, I REALLY don't want to do long distance.
So, what should I do? Will I ruin my chances if I wait until summer of next year to proclaim my feelings? I mean, she's awesome...smart, gorgeous, funny...and I'm a little worried that she'll get snapped up in New York. She's definitely a catch.
And then theres the possibility that I'm just completely misconstruing her friendly actions (that must annoy you girls SO MUCH. you just want to be friends, and the guy automatically assumes you WANT him haha).
Here goes:
I have known this girl (Sarah) for about eight years. Those eight years were really nothing though. We went to the same schools, had some of the same classes, but our friendship never extended past the school halls, and its not like we were "BFF" in school anyway. Just the occasional "Hi" in the hallways.
Now we're both in college: she went out of state, and is home for the summer right now...I currently am going to school in-state. For some reason we started talking a bit on AIM in February, and that just elevated to texting a few days ago. And when I say texting, I mean freaking TEXTING. We send hundreds in a day.
Anyway, we've been hanging out in real life recently as well. I'm definitely getting an idea that she likes me, but I don't want to do the long distance thing, you know? She'll be on the other side of the country in a few months.
Something to consider is that I've been wanting to transfer to where she is going (even before all this). I think I'm going to do it next year. Even with that said, I REALLY don't want to do long distance.
So, what should I do? Will I ruin my chances if I wait until summer of next year to proclaim my feelings? I mean, she's awesome...smart, gorgeous, funny...and I'm a little worried that she'll get snapped up in New York. She's definitely a catch.
And then theres the possibility that I'm just completely misconstruing her friendly actions (that must annoy you girls SO MUCH. you just want to be friends, and the guy automatically assumes you WANT him haha).
DarwinsFavoriteTortoise on
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She probably likes you. And if she's as awesome as you say she is, then yeah, she'll probably be snapped up if you blow her off over your long distance issues.
So you really just have to decide if doing long distance until you transfer is worth it. What's your deal with long distance relationships?
From what I've seen, long distance relationships almost always fail.
And those are the ones with them being together a few years beforehand...not a few months!
More importantly, so what if it can fail, any relationship can. Better to go for it than regret not doing so. Sounds like you're into each other.
But as you said, we would be in the throes of lust...wouldn't it be a pretty big problem if we weren't able to touch and hold each other in that period of time?
Speaking from experience, it's frustrating but fucking awesome at the same time. That should be read reversed as well. Thank god I had a good long distance calling plan, you will spend a lot of time talking and getting to know each other better and build communication that many other couples could really use.
Long distance after a few years is rough on people, as you mentioned. More than long distance at the start, from what I've seen and known. Think about internet relationships that actually succeed, it's much easier to pull off in this order I think.
Not trying to say long distance is the best thing ever in all ways possible, just that you may want to dispel your prejudices about it. It should be about whether you two want to be more or not.
Relationships are awesome. Relationships suck. If you want to go for it go for it and make the best of it.
The better communication is a huge boon, and the reunions are reaaaally sweet.
Also, most importantly, let your reasons for transferring to her school be completely unrelated to her presence in any way.
Long distance has the major problem of allowing you to separate life from relationship. Your life is class and work and friends and bars and home and the world. The relationship is relegated to the time slices in which you communicate (in whatever medium you choose). It means less mutual experiences, less time to get comfortable in each other's presence. You don't see how they are normally, just when you are speaking together. Likewise, she won't be able to see how you handle life. There's a load of difference between seeing someone react to being cut off in traffic or scorned by others and how a person explains the situation after the fact. You also don't get to learn how to be comfortable with the other person just being around and not doing anything specific.
Long distance relationships also have a problem in which they make you feel like you have been together for the whole time (and all that entails, such as a sense of connection and understanding and knowledge of the other person) when, in fact, you have only been together for a smaller subset of that period (the time when you were communicating). This can cause feelings of betrayal and a sense that the other person has "changed" from who you thought they were, when in fact it is just that you had to construct what and how they were based solely on information filtered through their explanations.
And none of this speaks of the simple stress that such a relationship breeds, especially in active college kids. The temptation of hooking up with someone who you can see every day is oft times immeasurably high and can lead to displaced feelings of anger towards the other person because "why can't they just move here and finish school!"
Conversely, I know these can work because I know people who have been able to do it happily and successfully. I also know people (myself included) where the above reasons made a potential friendship with future possibilities burn up in a firestorm of jealousy and hurt feelings.
It is also very expensive to maintain these relationships if you want any hope of personal visits. As you go up in the college years, summers stop being a time that you may see the other person as either of you will start to seek out internships or summer school programs.
An alternative is to let things continue blithely until the next step in the relationship occurs (if it does). This is usually indicated by making out or a Conversation. During or following this, state that you do not want a long distance relationship. Indicate that you like her, probably really like her, but that it may not be fair to either of you to be tied up in a long distance deal during college. Indicate that you will be there for her if she needs a friend able to stand outside the current tumult of her life and offer a less biased opinion on the trials and tribulations, and express hope that she will be as well, but that you cannot in good faith make any commitments.
Keep your options open, if you feel that to be a good plan, and see where life takes you... it may be that when you two graduate, you'll be off to Japan to work on whale research and she's going to be in New York working for a law firm. No real relationship there if you both wish to pursue your goals.
Murphy's Paradox: The more you plan, the more that can go wrong. The less you plan, the less likely your plan will succeed.
If a relationship is good, its good no matter the distance. I know its a bit different, but my friend's mom lived in CT and married a guy who lived in England. Neither of them had/have plans to move due to work and kids.
As we both said, there's issues with long distance relationships. I contend that there will always be issues with any relationship of any nature (pretty much the definition imo...
Long distance relationships are not bad. They aren't good. They just are.
"Ruining the friendship" is the chance you take with any progression, and the distance doesn't come into play here to me. Long distance girlfriend versus long distance friend is the same relative situation as local girlfriend versus local friend, no?
Go for it now regardless of the outcome. It is a cliche, but the old saying "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" still holds true. Even if it isn't love. Even if it is, as I understand, a summer of passion, still totally worth it. Don't worry about what happens when you both go back school, deal with it when it comes. Yeah it may suck at the time, but you will have a life time of fond memories.
That is to stay they stay long distance.
I mean if you are in a long distance relationship and you never actually get together down the road I have no doubt it wont work out. If you plan to move there in a year then yes you have a high chance of succeeding because you have something to work towards, if you just kinda meander along spinning your wheels it should be no surprise that it eventually fails.
What they need is good communication and commitment. To be fair all relationships need this but if you have any weaknesses in these two they will surface far quicker in a LDR.
You need to make time for the other person without sacrificing your (or their) personal time. You need to let them do their own thing, I mean it gives them shit to talk about.
You need to communicate strongly, text is ok, phone is good, video calls are better (with person to person obviously being the best). If you can do shit together, watch tv shows or something.
Really I never thought much of the effort required of being in a LDR, I mean at times it sucks that you can't touch them and shit but you suck it up and work towards your goal of being with them.
Satans..... hints.....
You're over thinking this. Seriously.
She likes you. So what? Why are you thinking ahead to a relationship and the possibilities and difficulties that might be associated.
If you had been dating already and definitely wanted to see each other long term that'd be one thing, but come on. Get out of your head.
Maybe she just wants someone for the summer. There's nothing wrong with that. She knows that you and she go to school on opposite ends of the country. I doubt she's trying to start something long term.
If you're into her, play along and see where it goes. If you guys fall head over heels in love, then come back to us about the long distance thing.
Yeah, actually this is the best advice. You (DarwinsFavoriteTortoise) are looking way too far in advance. Just take it day by day for now, and enjoy yourself. Not every relationship has to end in marriage, so if this one has potential problems later on, so what?
but they're listening to every word I say
Tap it. See where things go.
You say you've started hanging out and talking with this awesome person. Great. Good for you.
You say she's going away. That sucks!
You say she digs you but you don't really want to do the long distance thing. Unfortunate, but completely understandable.
You say you're worried about losing your friendship with her because....and that's where you lose me.
Basically you're in a situation lots of girls tend to find themselves in. You're afraid that she's only so close with you because she wants to hit that, and you're afraid that by letting her know you have no intention of bumping uglies you guys won't be close anymore and you don't want to lose that? Do I have it at least half right?
If so, that's all the more reason you should tell her. If you two and really such good friends and your friendship means as much to her as it does you, then you'll have nothing to worry about. If she does indeed blow a gasket and shuns you, then wouldn't you rather know that now before you invest even more of yourself into a friendship that's only based on sexual attraction? I know I would.
I am, or I was in a situation very similar to yours. I'm best friends with a girl and I know we'd get along great in a relationship, but we live way too far apart. We're each dating people in our area that we're rather happy with, and we still keep as much correspondence as we always did -- because we both know that after all is said and done we're still best friends, and we don't want anything to come between that, even us. That's pretty much what you need with this girl if you really want this friendship to flourish. You need to both be willing to put the friendship first and any kind of possible relationship second.
April 1998 - cute little redhead asks me out on a date (yeah, she's forward that way)... my response, verbatim "yeah, I could do that"
June - Sept 1998 - Work at camp
Sept 1998 - May 2002 - Go to college
May 2002 - move in with the little redhead, having done long distance for my entire college run
Sept 2008 - get married to said redhead
Go for it. Life is an adventure, live it... if things turn out great, well then great, if they end after the summer you can sing that annoying song from Grease for the rest of your life about it. If they never were meant to be, that's how it will be. You don't know until you try, and you have no idea how a relationship will work. I had no desire to do the long distance thing when my wife asked me out, it was something to do until school ended... now 11 years later we're closing on our first Anniversary.
Don't let some overused myth (long distance relationships never work out) hold you back from hanging out with a fun chick who likes you.
Don't believe the hype.
I just used my example as a "holy shit, I didn't see that coming" example... was nowhere in the cards when it started, but look where it took me.
Be friends. Have fun. Enjoy your summer.