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Jealousy, and the stoping there of.
Freakin'Uhg
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This is obviously an alt. This is way too embarrassing for me to even consider using my regular name.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years (btw, he's nearly 21, and I'm 19). We go together swimmingly, and he's absolutely amazing. We go to a martial arts class, and this girl recently joined with her 3 other sisters. Mag, Kris, and Ash. Mag is 12, kris is 14, and Ash is turning 16 in a couple of days. Mag some how found my boyfriends facebook, and got his AIM name, and contacted him, and then proceeded to give out his SN to her other sisters.
Now, my boyfriend is a fairly friendly guy. He can be intimidating at times, but he's trying to be less anti-social like he used to be. so he talks to mag, and now Ash on aim. .... mainly Ash. All the time. Allll the timeeeee.
He gets home from work, logs on AIM, and talks to her. We go out to get some dinner, we eat, come home, and he immediately logs on a talks to her. He visits the pizza shop she works at.
Now, she's a really nice person, funny, charming especially for a 16 year old.
i've never seen him talk to anyone like this. And he's only talked this much to me when he and I first started dating. And it's a constant thing, I'm talking hours. Granted there's nothing much else to do, but it still irks me.
It's probably nothing. He's a friendly guy who likes to talk to people, and he likes to get to know people and make friends. Hell, He'll just randomly stop by peoples houses to hang out or talk, or something.
I keep telling my self that it's probably nothing, but I can't feel that shitty feeling of jealousy.
Granted, she has a boyfriend that she's been dating for over a year, but still. I know crap happens and I don't want our relationship to be affected.
He invites her to do things with him, like rappelling, and such... and I mean he'd bring me along too. I don't think he's ever done anything like that with out asking me if I wanted to go. Hell, if one of his friends invite him to a party, he asks if I could tag along.
I guess, I'm just uncomfortable with the sheer amount of time he's spending talking to her. But I'm also conflicted with what I want to do, because if it's just friendly talk (and he needs friends. His others don't talk to him much) I absolutely don't want to keep that from him.
I also brought up my concern lightly a couple days ago, and he said that he finally has a friend that talks a lot, and confides in him, and he misses things like that because he feels like I'm the only one that actually trusts him. And he also told me that he wouldn't let anything affect our relationship, and if she does end up liking him, nothing is going to happen. I trust him on this. I know he's not one to cheat, or do anything dishonest... but I just can't shake it. It's probably my own insecurities creeping up (uhg.).
I just want to know how I can get over this? I'm usually not jealous ever, and I realize she's 16 and still in HS, and he's 21, and that would be effing WEIRD, but I can't help but twist everything they say into something flirty. So... I need to stop this. I've decided to become friends with her as well, so I recently started talking to her on AIM too, and we're getting to know eachother as well. She's a cool gal, and today I'm going over her house to help her with things for her sweet 16. So I figure if I can make friends with her as well, my jealousy will be curbed...
I don't want to be the nagging, jealous, bitchy girlfriend...
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years (btw, he's nearly 21, and I'm 19). We go together swimmingly, and he's absolutely amazing. We go to a martial arts class, and this girl recently joined with her 3 other sisters. Mag, Kris, and Ash. Mag is 12, kris is 14, and Ash is turning 16 in a couple of days. Mag some how found my boyfriends facebook, and got his AIM name, and contacted him, and then proceeded to give out his SN to her other sisters.
Now, my boyfriend is a fairly friendly guy. He can be intimidating at times, but he's trying to be less anti-social like he used to be. so he talks to mag, and now Ash on aim. .... mainly Ash. All the time. Allll the timeeeee.
He gets home from work, logs on AIM, and talks to her. We go out to get some dinner, we eat, come home, and he immediately logs on a talks to her. He visits the pizza shop she works at.
Now, she's a really nice person, funny, charming especially for a 16 year old.
i've never seen him talk to anyone like this. And he's only talked this much to me when he and I first started dating. And it's a constant thing, I'm talking hours. Granted there's nothing much else to do, but it still irks me.
It's probably nothing. He's a friendly guy who likes to talk to people, and he likes to get to know people and make friends. Hell, He'll just randomly stop by peoples houses to hang out or talk, or something.
I keep telling my self that it's probably nothing, but I can't feel that shitty feeling of jealousy.
Granted, she has a boyfriend that she's been dating for over a year, but still. I know crap happens and I don't want our relationship to be affected.
He invites her to do things with him, like rappelling, and such... and I mean he'd bring me along too. I don't think he's ever done anything like that with out asking me if I wanted to go. Hell, if one of his friends invite him to a party, he asks if I could tag along.
I guess, I'm just uncomfortable with the sheer amount of time he's spending talking to her. But I'm also conflicted with what I want to do, because if it's just friendly talk (and he needs friends. His others don't talk to him much) I absolutely don't want to keep that from him.
I also brought up my concern lightly a couple days ago, and he said that he finally has a friend that talks a lot, and confides in him, and he misses things like that because he feels like I'm the only one that actually trusts him. And he also told me that he wouldn't let anything affect our relationship, and if she does end up liking him, nothing is going to happen. I trust him on this. I know he's not one to cheat, or do anything dishonest... but I just can't shake it. It's probably my own insecurities creeping up (uhg.).
I just want to know how I can get over this? I'm usually not jealous ever, and I realize she's 16 and still in HS, and he's 21, and that would be effing WEIRD, but I can't help but twist everything they say into something flirty. So... I need to stop this. I've decided to become friends with her as well, so I recently started talking to her on AIM too, and we're getting to know eachother as well. She's a cool gal, and today I'm going over her house to help her with things for her sweet 16. So I figure if I can make friends with her as well, my jealousy will be curbed...
I don't want to be the nagging, jealous, bitchy girlfriend...
Freakin'Uhg on
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So I guess this probably doesn't apply to everyone, but I find it odd that he's talking to her so much. I don't even talk to my good friends as much as that. It sounds completely innocent, but you have to wonder why he's investing so much time in someone 5 years younger than him...
I quoted the important parts to me.
Point Numero Uno : Is the time he is talking to her interrupting the time he would spend with you? The going out to eat, then coming home and chatting with her sounds weird to me, but it could just be a poor choice of phrase. If it is affecting what I like to call "couple time" then I would talk to him about it.
Point Numero Two: I think that becoming her friend as well, is a great Idea, and can help to curb the jealousy.
Point three: He needs some more guy friends honestly, a 21 yr old man shouldn't be aim'ng 16 year old girls, even if they are nice and all that jazz.
Is she cute? Just curious, but sometimes you gotta ask about a situation.
Best advice I could give is that you both need to meet somewhere in the middle. you need to dial down the impending jealousy, and he needs to dial back the flirting/chatting with 16 yr old girls.
I had a friend once that was cool, and was into the same stuff. I felt myself getting a crush on her, and you know what I did? I stopped talking to her. It sucks to lose a friend, but I didn't even want to go down that path. Edited to clarify, that I have a wonderful GF, and that is the main reason. I didn't even want to attempt to do something stupid and f that up.
YMMV.
Also, you could try setting up new routines. After work while making dinner and tidying up we chat about our days and whatnot. We check our e-mails & facebook, meet with friends & family etc later. It would violate some unspoken rule if one of us just hopped on the computer right after work. It's perfectly reasonable to have some time set aside for just the two of you.
You are doing the right thing by acknowledging you feel this way. Now the ball is in your court how you let it affect your relationship/feelings/life.
It's only up to you whether you let it get to you.
I suspect you want opinions on whether WE think you have a valid reason to be jealous/suspicious.
As to whether it is appropriate for someone to associate with another person much younger than them, that is a very complicated subject, and I'm sure much better suited for other venues in detail. It comes down to the nature of the relationship I suppose. I coach 10-13 year old youth football, I talk to them like I would anyone else, less the colorful language I tend towards. I'm not sure I would be friends with them, but I have had conversations with some of them, gave them my limited advice and what not. I think people get hung up on the sexual connotations of such a relationship.
In any case, if I had to guess, I'd say that it's quite possible that while your boyfriend might not harbor any romantic feelings for this girl, she very well might have some for him, and he might just enjoy the attention she's giving him. You have every reason to be jealous, but as has been said, your best course of action is to try not to let it get the best of you. If you are so inclined, get to know this girl a bit and see if you all can hang out as a group. If his hanging out with her solo does bother you, then it's best to let him know that. The two of you would need to work out some kind of compromise that would be mutually beneficial without having one of you feel slighted. It's a tough call, but your relationship should take priority in my opinion.
Discuss it honestly with your boyfriend. It sounds like you already are, which is great.
I went down this path with my boyfriend. He started texting some female friend of his all the time, every day. He said it was just to pass the time at work or when he bored. I believed him at first but jealousy and paranoia eventually crept in. I ignored it and it festered until it consumed me.
In my case it turned out he had started dirty texting her, talking dirty to her on the phone and exchanging inappropriate pictures.
I’m not trying to say that it will turn out that way for you. But the behavior he is currently exhibiting is enough to make you jealous and hopefully he’ll be understanding about it.
Some of the best advice I’ve ever heard is if you don’t want to cheat don’t put yourself in a situation where you might be tempted. At the very least it sounds like this girl might have a crush on him. Think about why your boyfriend might be encouraging that kind of attention.
But it sounds like you're already going down the right path of communication, not assuming the worst, and getting to know this girl yourself.
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It may be cause for jealousy, but it sounds to me too much like projecting your experiences onto her situation. I think a more objective approach would suit her own circumstances.
If you start catching any hints of romantic involvement, you might have cause for concern. But don't crucify the guy if he wants to have more friends, keeping in mind that you have painted him as a friendly kind of person.
Best of all, make your own decisions on this matter, don't subject yourself to someone else's hangups. Maybe you will end up friends with her as well; stranger things have happened.
Obligatory "tell him how you feel", as well, but I see you've done this already. Hmm...I think you're already taking the best course of action by befriending her.
Also, that fire thing is a dead giveaway. Just saying.
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Just to play devil's advocate here, when I met my wife, she was 18, I was 20, and her brother was 14. He was an awesome kid, and we became friends right off the bat, and are still good friends 9 years later.
That said, I didn't spend every waking moment talking to him and hanging out with him. My then-girlfriend came first, and I hung out with her brother as an off-shoot of my relationship with her.
He is AIMing with 12 and 16 year old...girls.
If I had a buddy your boyfs age and he told me he was AIMing with a couple sisters from his Karate class that are 12 and 16, I would slap him. "wtf is wrong with you dude? Haven't you ever fucking seen The Crush!?"
Thats trouble waiting to happen. And trouble he will get. From the YOUNG girls parents. From you.
I don't see this ending well.
I don't see it as a matter of "if" but more like "when".
Here is a conversation I envision going on:
Concerned Parent: "whats the matter honey? Why are you crying?"
- after the 10 minutes of "nothings wrong!" Ash: "Johnny says he doesn't like me. He doesn't want me as a girlfriend!"
Confused Parent: "oh honey...I'm so sorry. That's really hard huh? Who's Johnny?"
Ash: "Oh, this guy from Karate class I have been talking to on IM everyday. It's not like I am too young for him! His GF is only 3 years older than me! And it's not like he's old. Not like he is 25 or anything."
Angry Parent: "WTF! Where the hell is my pistol?"
You say he has invited her to go do things but you never said if she has accepted. How many times have they gone out and been alone with each other?
If the parents ARE letting this 21 year old guy to take their 16 year old daughter out on what are essentially dates, I doubt her grasp of what is right and what is wrong is very strong. Cosidering she is learning it from parents who let their 16 year old daughters go out with 21 year old dudes.
All it takes is for this girl to get jilted by your boyf and the above conversation turns from "Johnny doesn't like me" to "Johnny touched me."
This is the extreme of what could happen but it's not out of the realm of possibility.
I do agree that it's still creepy behavior but trying to intimidate someone to stop bad behavior by explaining "how bad this could get" is not going to end well either.
It can range from bad to worse. He could simply be responding to a "new attraction". These things can happen in long lasting relationships, where someone new comes along and tickles someone's fancy. The problem is when the fancied indulges and forgets him/herself.
I like to think that consent laws are to protect teenagers that have sex, and not to OK adult men dating young teenagers.
A man of 21 should not be consistently hanging out with a 16 year old girl in non group activities.
Turn your jealousy into righteous indignation. While you should curb your feeling of insecurity, there's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling insecure about your SO constantly making a point to chat up and hang out with a 16 year old girl.
Age of consent isn't going to stop Daddy showing up at the OP's boyfriend's door with a bat and suggesting that it will cause damage to several of his orifices if he doesn't leave his little girl(s) alone.
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The last time a thread went down that path a prodigious number of people received an infraction. Let's just say that it's been established that a 21-year-old becoming romantically involved with a 16-year-old is creepy, talking to the 12-year-old is creepier still, and let's look at ways to help the OP resolve this.
An update after the visit to her house to see how things feel after a bit of time to get to know this girl a bit better would probably help us get a better perspective on things as well.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
They've also haven't gone places alone, or anything like that. And I don't think any part of the conversations they've been having have been near prosecutable at all, but it's still making me really uncomfortable. I'm afraid that if or when I bring this up again, we're going to argue, and that is something I do not want.
I don't think he's romantically interested in her. If he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be. He would break up with me and pursue other interests, but I'm afraid that will eventually happen because she's more interesting, and adorable, or something to that extent. Or he'll realize that i'm not (insecurities coming up again)
And I agree with everyone that it is kind of creepy. Which also has me concerned. Basically, I dunno what the frick to do. He's a wonderful guy, and we get along wonderfully, but I feel like this is damaging. I want him to have friends, I really do. I think friends are important, but I don't know...
Maybe I should ask him how he would feel if he were in my shoes. Like if I were talking to some dude (even any age) continuously through out the day, and only doing that.
I mean, in all honesty, this is making me sick to my stomach. I love him dearly, and I don't want anything to happen to us what so ever. I'm to the point where it's on my brain constantly, trying to analyze the situation, and it's making me nauseous, and I'm not eating. I've visibly lost weight, and that's really bothering me. uhg.
Edit: getting back from her house calmed me down a bit, but then I come back to the hotel and see my boyfriend IMing her. I think she's a fun girl to talk to and hang out with and I was glad to lend a hand and be a friend as well, but this constant talking is grating, and my nerves are shot.
It's no longer a question of whether or not you're being irrational, it's a question of whether or not you can handle the situation you're in, which you clearly cannot. This is not wrong or bad (or right or good for that matter) it just is.
"Hey I don't want to feel like this jealous bitch inside but you spend a large amount of time IMing this girl when I'm right next to you."
Perhaps don't say it verbatim, but explain to him how you feel. You don't like how this bend in the relationship is making you feel towards him and towards other people he is in contact with.
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Also, it depends entirely on the situation in which he's talking to them. I've definitely had younger friends from groups I've been involved in, I served as a surrogate big sister. Usually they just needed someone to talk to who wasn't their parent but was an adult they trusted.
However, if he's just BFF with a 16 year old, that's weird. He sounds a little desperate for friends and that would worry me. They are talking an awful lot and it does border on inappropriate. Think about how her mom would react to finding out the her 16 year old daughter's new buddy is a 21 year old man?
Personally, I think this whole thing is bizarre and I'd explain that it's weird and inappropriate for him to spend so much time talking to her and if he didn't get why it's weird to talk to 16 year olds every free moment they have I'd look for a more mature bf.
I told him that if he were to ask me to calm down on talking to one of my guy friends, I would. I would understand his situation, and would chill out. And then I said that what's making me nervous is that she may say suggestive things to him despite having a boyfriend.
Then he responded saying that he doesn't have many friends for a reason. If he can't trust them, he's not friends with them, and he breaks contact. He said that if she said anything suggestive to him, and went over the line, he would break contact with her too. He said she trusts him, confides in him, and feels like a big brother. He said nothing is going to happen, because he won't let anything affect our relationship like that.
Honestly, I believe him 100%. He could have broken up with me right here for acting all nuts about this. He could have not been concerned about me not eating. He could have gotten incredibly defensive and started yelling.
I think overall today has been successful in easing my mind. I helped out Ash, got to know her a little, and believe me, she's well aware that my boyfriend and I are together, and she brings up her boyfriend a lot too. And now, my boyfriend and I had a successful conversation about how I feel. I don't think I should worry any more, and I don't think I will.
Thanks you guys. You gave me the guts to confront him.
You might ask if your boyfriend would handle things any differently (either AIM chatting or out door activities) if the parents came along? Perhaps next time they could?
My sister is about 4 years younger than me, so there was a period of time during college when my visits home would consist of me watching TV and my sisters' friends watching me watch TV. I would acknowledge their presence and since my sister and her friends were also fans of anime there were times that we'd talk about a new series or even watch an episode or two of some new DVD that I'd gotten. But that was the extent of our exposure to one another. So the AIM chatting is really the particularly troublesome part as it sort of demonstrates a bit of effort on your boyfriend's part to interact with one or some of these girls.
Another related experience, one of my wife's co-workers is a 40 year old man, another of her co-workers was a 17 year old girl who's twenty something sister also worked at the same place. The 17 year old was not all that socially inclined and she was more or less home schooled and confined many of her interactions with others to AIM and other such things. After a few months around the 40 year old who started out "just being nice" they went to movies together or he would pick her up and drive they would drive to work together. In this instance the family of the girl was AMAZINGLY laid back and didn't call the cops like many non-family members thought they should. I suppose the up shot is that she quickly turned 18 and the point was moot, albeit still rather creepy. So an age difference or "just being nice" doesn't always equate to a sure fire barrier against 'creepy' relationships.
It's time to talk with your boyfriend. If you've been together so long and trust one another, you may even show him this thread. Point out that while he may have the very best of intentions and be of outstanding moral character but this situation can be a VERY dangerous one. All it takes is one incorrectly sent or typed message or action and things can turn very serious very quickly. Teenagers are still developing mentally and socially, so they don't view friendship and things in the same way we do necessarily. There can be some pretty smart and reasonable teenagers out there but I wouldn't bet things on this being the case.
read the last line of my post in regards to over-reacting.
Also, I didn't advocate or advise the OP to intimidate her boyf. Regarding the info we have received from the OP it doesn't sound like he is aware of the consequences of his actions. I doubt it would hurt him to be made aware of some of these consequences, however extreme they may be.
And I apologize to the OP, I never actually gave you any help or advice, I just stated my opinion but I'm glad that you're talk went well!
Don't be afraid of confrontation though. You handled this confrontation very well but I don't think the problem is going to go away.
You said "He said nothing is going to happen, because he won't let anything affect our relationship like that.
Your relationship has already been affected. Is he going to limit the amount of time he spends IMing her?
Also, you are NOT acting nuts. Stop saying that, stop thinking that. You have feelings and you aired them out with him in a non confrontational manner, with no accusations and not playing the blame game. You handled it with maturity. I applaud you.
What state was this in? Only about a half a dozen states have the age of consent at 18. Most are at 16 or 17.
Uh.. I'm not going to try to speak for everyone, like you just did, but thinking about a 16 year old as cute and interesting just does not make sense. There is NOTHING that I want to talk to a person in grade 11 about. I wouldn't even be flattered if a 16 year old took interest in me, because that is weird shit and high school girls would crush on anyone that is A: Older than them, and B: talks to them for more than 2 seconds.
This is exactly what I figure... and it really isn't so bad cause I know he won't do anything. If you knew him, you'd agree. Loyalty and honesty are the most important things to him.
I realized that he's talking to her a lot, and not so much to me super often... cause we practically spend every waking minute with eachother. We can't talk about our days together cause we both experienced the same thing, so what's there to talk about? (this is why today I decided I'm going to volunteer at a local animal shelter, and do errands with out him. We need some off time from eachother so we can have conversation.)
I refuse to be the naggy girlfriend. I'm laid back, and always happy, and I should continue to be that way. Plus, I realized that the girl tends to want to talk to me nearly as much as she wants to talk to him. She's the oldest of 3 sisters, and maybe she wants someone older than her to look up to.
Nothing they've talked about (from what I saw.... .. I'll admit I was paranoid and glanced at their text boxes as he was typing... I don't do that any more, and I'm ashamed of it) has been bad at all. They've played 20 Q, and talked about stories from when they were younger (Like stupid things they did as kids, and things similar to that). And then from what my boyfriend tells me, she talks about her boyfriend a lot, and asks advice.
So.. I don't think I have any reason to be worried any more. I'll admit that the fact that she's 16 is weird, but I think back to when I was that age, and I had friends in their 20s. Hell, I got along better with adults, than I did with people my own age. So, I guess I can empathize.
I feel a lot better, and made time to think out things better and more logically. He's flattered that he has someone actually willing to make conversation with him (rather than just being like "Hey.. what's up" "nothing you?" "nothing"... like what happens with his other friends), and I feel bad taking that away from him.
And I figure, if worse comes to worse, and it does escalate into something that I just can't handle, then he wasn't for me, I get upset for a while, and move on.
I guess we'll just see.
Case closed, I guess.
That was probably one of the most mature and best handled responses I've seen. My wife and can get so wrapped up with each other that we literally do everything together. It's nice to hang out with friends apart from your s/o. Spending time apart can make you appreciate the time you have together even more.
As for the whole age thing, you know your guy better than any of us, so you're the best judge of his character.
Even at 16 there are often age limits regarding how much older the older of the two can be. In NJ it's 16 and then 4 years I believe.