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Feeling unwanted by the girlfriend or not

tacos for alltacos for all Registered User regular
edited August 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
I feel like this might be a knee-jerk reaction to an event just a few days ago but it is something I’ve noticed if I stop to think about it. However, the only reason I’m really thinking about it is because of all the free time I have, so I think that might be the actual problem.

Okay, so about a couple of weeks before summer started I started to notice my girlfriend hanging out with her friends a lot more. I’ve never cared before until a pattern began to emerge in which our dates began to drastically reduce, which wouldn’t be a problem either, but the “quality” of the dates was reduced. She started only wanting to go out once a week and just to grab a quick meal, either before her shift started (she was in a hurry to leave) or right after it ended (she was in a hurry to go to bed). Going out to simply eat wouldn’t even be a problem; I’m really a lax guy, but it’s like she purposely schedules them so at most they last 30mins.

Now I’ll be honest and say I do mind it because it seems like she is forcing herself to see me, but what really irks me is that since summer began she’s been doing a lot of cool stuff with her friends which wouldn’t be a problem, she can do whatever she wants to do but its stuff that we had planned to do this summer which have been put in the backburner. For example she is going to Vegas next week (having gone to San Francisco just three weeks ago, something I had planned with her as well) with her friends for a weeklong trip, something we had planned to do which she consoled me by promising that we’ll do it some other time, along with everything else I had planned which she went on and did.

On the flip side, I might just be overreacting because while she has a loose definition of “friend”, I don’t have a phonebook of people I can hang out with on a daily basis. Coupled with the fact that I was let go on the 17th I have a tremendous amount of nothing to do, that is until my new job starts on August 24th and my actual semester begins on Sept 21st. So I do feel selfish that I might simply want to spend time with her simply to fill a void.

Not only that, it is summer, and I feel that while I’ll still get to see her after summer ends and busy schedules begin anew, she won’t really get to see her friends as much. Obviously I have no evidence to prove this but I’m just basing this on our time spent before summer which was much more substantial, even if we just went to eat, they date actually lasted 3-4hours.

There is more to it, but I don’t want to jump to conclusions right away, mostly because when I’m busy I don’t really think about it at all. For example, I’ve spent yesterday doing yard work on a friends farm, didn’t even think about it until today when I woke up and found I have nothing to do again.

So what should I do? I’d rather not bring it up before her trip and have her leave angry at me. However I’m not sure if I should bring it up all. I’ve told her before I’ve wanted to actually do something this summer with her instead of just eating food and promised me we would. My friends have given me advice and for all their good intentions of looking out for me, it sounds quite vindictive which unfortunately I've considered doing. However, I don't want summer to end and set a trend of her just blowing me off and using me as meal ticket once a week.

For reference, she only works now, I still go to school/work, we’re both 23, and we’ve been dating since January. It sounds sad but I honestly believe I’d probably have more fun with her if I was simply her friend and not her boyfriend.

tacos for all on
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Posts

  • ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Talk to her.


    It solves a lot of stuff.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    It doesn't sound very promising. It's not hard to tell when someone has lost interest and doesn't want to be involved anymore. I mean, if you were a priority to her, she would make time for you.

    it's possible she's pushing you away because she wants you to pull the trigger on the relationship. But like Chanus said, the only way to know for sure is to take to her. And really talk, not the "how are we doing?" "fine." bullshit.

    Sentry on
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  • Kai_SanKai_San Commonly known as Klineshrike! Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    If a girl is simply avoiding you in order to lose you, talking isnt going to do shit. Most girls aren't comfortable talking about things like this anyway, and anyone who would go out of their way to simply avoid you rather than break things off definately isnt going to open up to questioning.

    Now, if you try to "call her bluff" so to speak, it might become more obvious. In my opinion, you have one of two issues (if there is an issue mind you). Either she wants to get rid of you, and doesn't have the cohones to do it so shes trying to make you do it, or she is trying to keep you on the side while she finds something else. If its the former, simply doing something drastic along the lines of "if we aren't going to spend any real time together I am moving on" would figure that out quickly. If its the latter, this action would probobly get her to talk. If there isnt an issue, this action would actually get you the conversation you would want.

    Now this is fairly drastic and could have ill effects, and thus talking might be a good idea first, but from the sound of things you already gave her the impression you don't like it and she blew it off (the whole "oh I promise we will do it later" thing is pretty much blowing it off). So unfortunately if you want answers you might have to do something a little drastic.

    Either way, if you aren't happy with whats going on, then action isnt really unwarrented. And unless you entered this relationship as a barely seeing each other type of deal (or after 6 months, you haven't moved beyond spending a pitiful portion of your time together) then the direction its going in is a good indication you aren't going to be happy.

    My advice might be a little harsh, but I went through a lot of waiting periods myself and learned that just sitting around hoping answers will come to you and problems will go away gets you a boatload of hurt. If something is worth it you can afford to confront it head on, because it wont be destroyed by something as small as adressing something that bothers you.

    Kai_San on
  • ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Yeah, I'm going to advise against a passive-aggressive "Call Her Bluff" type of tactic.

    Not that I know everything, but that sounds like really horrible advice.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
  • Dr. FrenchensteinDr. Frenchenstein Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    This doesn't sound like it's going to a good place, i'd talk to her as soon as possible. Don't be like "WTH is wrong with you!?!" and put her on the defensive though. She wont be mad if you are mature about it. More than likely she realizes something isn't right as well.

    Dr. Frenchenstein on
  • oncelingonceling Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    So if you had all these plans to go to SFO and Vegas, and they were on the backburner till the summer, why aren't they planned out? It's like 2/3 of the way through summer. I can't blame her for going if it was "on the backburner till we're retired"... like holy crap how long is someone supposed to wait for a cheap flight to California its no biggie.

    It's possible she got sick of you putting shit on the backburner and is being passive aggressive doing stuff she wants to do with people that are willing to actually do some planning and make it happen.

    If this is like a case of "I lost my job and we had to cancel our SFO and Vegas plans because I'm broke" then sure, she's being a bitch. But I get really pissed off myself when my b/f is always like "yeah it'd be cool to do that..." then rejects it when I bring it up as something to plan for you know, SOON and 2 years later I still haven't been.

    Aside from all that though, this is a pretty bad sign, if you want to save things you need to do some communicating.

    Question, too: Why aren't you able to go with her and her friends? Is it like a girls-only thing?

    onceling on
  • tacos for alltacos for all Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    @ onceling: I did plan it out, she was the one that put it off until Summer because of her job (I had a much more lax schedule with both school and work). She then went behind my back and planned them before the dates we had agreed on. So when the dates were getting closer she told me she had already made plans to do them with her friends. I did attempt to join but she told me it was a "friends-only" thing. I've been to both places countless times, it was her that had never been to either, well just Vegas now. I could easily go next week with friends even if we don't go with "her group", and our actual trip to Vegas was suppose to be the week after next week. When I meant it is now in the backburner, I meant she postponed it indefinitely.

    Well I guess I should note what really prompted me to make this topic.

    What prompted to make this topic was where I actually mentioned we needed to talk over the phone but was broke off before I could say, "we need to talk..about the trip for next week". All she heard was we need to talk so when we met for dinner she was practically in tears telling me she loved me (I've never told her I love her, I can't say what I don't feel honestly) she doesn't want to lose me and all this other weird stuff about children and shit, but I told her the call was cut off and we need to talk about our first trip. Well it was going to be our first trip until she canceled because turns out she had to do errands on Sunday.

    I think errands on Sunday should of sounded some alarms because its well, Sunday. Turns out she didn't have anything to do and just hanged out with her friend. Her dad told me when I called to see if maybe she was free after all. This happened this Sunday, I haven't actually confronted her about it since I went 'fuck it' and went to the beach either way with some friends that wanted to hang out. Since then I guess you could say I've been ignoring her but she hasn't really tried to communicate with me. I haven't really tried to talk to her since Sunday really.

    So how should I talk to her? I guess it makes sense that she's waiting for me to do something 'drastic' but honestly until she outright lied to me about Sunday I could probably take it and see until Summer ended. I mean, if she didn't want to see me she should of said so, and while it does bother me her not wanting to see me, I can't stand people that lie to me. I don't really understand the "call her bluff" tactic either.

    tacos for all on
  • mechaThormechaThor Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    When you try and talk about things and she starts crying and saying how you she loves you, you need to keep it on subject. It definitely sucks having to grill somebody when they are balling, but, otherwise you won't have the conversation at all. For all you know that is just her way of avoiding everything by making you feel sympathetic, and hell It's happened to me enough times.

    Though Vegas with just her friends raises some red flags, if she starts saying that shes going to go to the Bahamas or some shit with just her friends, then you need to sit her down and shut that down.

    mechaThor on
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  • NarianNarian Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    From what I've read, which means take it with a grain of salt, she's pushing you away because she want's to be free and with her friends but still wants you for various other things - I think it's time to move on, she doesn't sound worth it at all.

    Narian on
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  • SmurphSmurph Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I think it's pretty obvious that you're unhappy with the way she's handling the relationship and breaking commitments to hang out with you. You need to tell her that the situation needs to improve drastically for you to remain happy in the relationship. Don't threaten to break up with her, ultimatums rarely do any good. Just tell her you aren't happy with the way things are and let her decided how important that is to her. She could be looking for a way out but she could also just be taking you for granted. Sometimes people in relationships for a long time just get lazy and need a reminder that good things require attention.

    Smurph on
  • ArminasArminas Student of Life SF, CARegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    So how should I talk to her? I guess it makes sense that she's waiting for me to do something 'drastic' but honestly until she outright lied to me about Sunday I could probably take it and see until Summer ended. I mean, if she didn't want to see me she should of said so, and while it does bother me her not wanting to see me, I can't stand people that lie to me. I don't really understand the "call her bluff" tactic either.

    I'd ask her about Sunday since you called to see if she could hang out anyways and she ended up not being available because of a completely different reason than she told you. Maybe she did have errands, got them done early and then called up her friends instead? Not an awful scenario, but she still sort of blew you off, right? And then from there, I might ask whether or not she really wanted to see you anymore at all. I mean, it doesn't sound like she's giving you the time of day (i.e. putting forth the effort to see you). I feel like age might factor into this somehow, like if you two are still fairly young like in high school or early college? She's acting a little immature about the whole thing. Either she wants to just spend time with her friends she can't see often and should communicate this with you, or she is ready to move on to being single or a different relationship. Either way, she's doing you a disservice by wasting your time by leaving you in the dark.

    EDIT:
    I would try not to deliver it in an ultimatum also, you'll just come across as a demanding ass. None of this, "It's either me or your friends! TAKE YOUR PICK" How about... "Look, I've been looking forward to hanging out with you a lot this summer, and I know that your friends are important to you to, but I feel neglected. Blah blah, vegas, blah blah blah, SF. I mean, c'mon, half an hour a week? Really?"

    Arminas on
  • Captain VashCaptain Vash Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I think all the advice you're going to hear here boils down into two categories

    "Talk it out"
    or
    "break it off, cause it's already over"

    It's up to you to assess which of these two scenarios is going to make your life more harmonious in the long run and then do that.

    the only option that is not viable is continuing to live as you are and hoping for the best.

    Captain Vash on
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  • tacos for alltacos for all Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    The Vegas trip didn't really raise red flags. I'm not sure if it had to do with my upbringing (single mom) but my mom raised me with the belief that if you should trust your partner and if you hold back your partner they'll just resent you for as long as you're with them.

    Aside from that, thanks for the advice everyone. I'll call her later today and try to setup a time so we can meet.

    I'll have to think about what to say. I'm not sure about bringing up Sunday since I don't want that to blow up in my face and make her think I'm keeping tabs on her. I'm also kinda worried I'll fuck it up somehow.

    tacos for all on
  • SentrySentry Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    The Vegas trip didn't really raise red flags. I'm not sure if it had to do with my upbringing (single mom) but my mom raised me with the belief that if you should trust your partner and if you hold back your partner they'll just resent you for as long as you're with them.

    Aside from that, thanks for the advice everyone. I'll call her later today and try to setup a time so we can meet.

    I'll have to think about what to say. I'm not sure about bringing up Sunday since I don't want that to blow up in my face and make her think I'm keeping tabs on her. I'm also kinda worried I'll fuck it up somehow.

    You don't HAVE to bring up Sunday, because Sunday is only one symptom of the main problem. The fact of the matter is, she's taking you for granted. If she'd rather hang out with friends, more power to her, but the fact that she does so at the expense of your relationship is the problem. You don't need to give her an ultimatum, but she does need to make a choice. Either this relationship is important to her or it isn't.

    Sentry on
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    wrote:
    When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
    'Fuck yeah, me too. What little kid ever pretended to be part of the lynch-mob?'
  • ArminasArminas Student of Life SF, CARegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Stay calm if you can and try to avoid raising your voice at all. If you can help it, talking in person might be easier? I've always found it easier because there's so much to read into body language that is lost on the phone or electronic messaging. You'll be okay!

    Arminas on
  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Not even talking about cheating or sneakiness, I think it's damn weird that she'd plan trips with friends without including her boyfriend. I mean, I love doing stuff with my wife, even stuff with her friends that I don't really know, because she's my best friend and it's more fun for the both of us.

    So the big question that I have is why she thinks these things are more fun if you're not there. She says she loves you but doesn't want you to go on her trips? When I like someone, I generally want to spend more time with them -- maybe I'm weird in that way.

    EggyToast on
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  • tacos for alltacos for all Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    EggyToast wrote: »
    .

    I honestly never really had a chance to meet her friends all that well. I know her chick friends were all single and out of her guy friends they all had a girl friend except for like three guys who were actually kinda cool to talk to. So I guess I would probably of stuck out if her trips were mostly with the girls.

    Not to have strayed but I understand your point, I probably shouldn't really make excuses for her.

    Anyways, my plan was to talk to her in person, just call her up to setup a time.

    I called her just a while ago actually and got her voice mail so I'm assuming her phone is off. I tried her house and her dad told me she was out with friends which I assumed would be the case so I'll probably just wait until tomorrow morning and try calling her again. I don't really want to leave her a message telling her we need to talk, I'd rather try to just set it up as a date but letting her know there is something on my mind and I need her opinion on it.

    Thanks for all the advice. Sentry is right about Sunday, since as you mentioned it is just a symptom. The more I've sat here and thought about it the more I think that maybe she didn't really wanted to go out in the first place way back in January. I'm probably just being a bit neurotic at this point though.

    I'll update if anything relevant happens, thanks again.

    tacos for all on
  • DibsDibs Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    It really sounds like she's treating you like shit. You're a good person who knows what the 'right' thing to do is (not be a passive-aggressive dick, not assume the worst, not hold her back), but you wouldn't even think about doing these things if she was acting like a normal human being in a half year relationship. To only see her once every week for 30 minutes is ridiculous.

    Really, really, talk to her before Vegas. Don't let her go away on that trip and leave you torturing yourself with terrible thoughts.

    I had a much longer post written out before, and explaining how I lost it would be longer than my post. Just know that you ARE in the right here. She is not acting normal. She is not treating you well.

    Have you been in other relationships in the past?

    Dibs on
  • tacos for alltacos for all Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I'm not sure if I see the relevance but this is my second relationship. My first was back in high school, our senior year she was moving across the country and I was moving 8 hours away from our home town. Didn't really seem fair to either of us so after talking for a while we broke it off.

    I guess you could say this is my first relationship as an "adult". I have dated other women but none really attracted me as my girlfriend did, not in the physical sense, it was something else, I could probably try to describe it but that would be an exhausting read.

    tacos for all on
  • ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Now, let's see if I'm getting this right:

    You call her, tell you need to talk, she runs crying to you telling you she loves you, and then that Sunday she cancels plans with you to hang out with her friend(s)?

    I don't know if people are just being nice here or if I've got it wrong, but if this is the situation...Fucking drop her. She isn't interested in your well-being.

    Zombiemambo on
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  • KyanilisKyanilis Bellevue, WARegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Yeah I'm gonna have to agree with the people saying she's treating you like shit. Honestly, I'm not even sure there's a good explanation to this behavior. I didn't see you mention how long you two have been together? And this has JUST been going on during the summer?

    She can't even say that she felt bad for ditching her friends before the summer to spend time with you since well, she's had plenty of time to discuss anything with you. I'm of the opinion that anyone you're in a relationship in should also be considered a friend, and it sounds like she's not including you at all in her life except to make the minimal effort. I wouldn't be surprised if after summer ended she went back to hanging out with you more once her friends are busy again.

    But that is pretty much bullshit and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

    Kyanilis on
  • ShawnaseeShawnasee Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    @ onceling: I did plan it out, she was the one that put it off until Summer because of her job (I had a much more lax schedule with both school and work). She then went behind my back and planned them before the dates we had agreed on. So when the dates were getting closer she told me she had already made plans to do them with her friends. I did attempt to join but she told me it was a "friends-only" thing.

    Flat out bullshit.

    You're a very, very, VERY forgiving guy. If we're getting the whole story and thats how it played out then I call shens. You planned a trip together and then out of the blue she says "oh, sorry hon, going to Vegas with my friends and you can't come because it's a friends only kind of thing, ya dig?"

    Fuck.You.

    Do her friends include dudes?

    If I was in your shoes I would be sitting her down and letting her know how hurtful it is to be left behind on a trip you had planned to make together. Doesn't make you feel very good.

    Dude...it's time for a sitdown. This has nothing to do with the amount of time you have on your hands and everything to do with her walking all over you. She's telling and showing you two different things here by crying about losing you and telling you she loves you but treating you like an aquaintance.

    Prepare yourself for a breakup.

    Shawnasee on
  • ViscountalphaViscountalpha The pen is mightier than the sword http://youtu.be/G_sBOsh-vyIRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009

    So how should I talk to her? I guess it makes sense that she's waiting for me to do something 'drastic' but honestly until she outright lied to me about Sunday I could probably take it and see until Summer ended. I mean, if she didn't want to see me she should of said so, and while it does bother me her not wanting to see me, I can't stand people that lie to me. I don't really understand the "call her bluff" tactic either.

    You gave her the benefit of the doubt, Now call her bluff. If she can't be honest with you, she isn't worth dating. Even if you bring this up, what's to stop her from doing it again if she is unable to be honest with you?

    I believe she is using you actually. Intentionally. Not being honest, Doesn't want to include you? Gigantic red flags there. Sometimes it's a case where they don't want to be honest to themselves either. They pretend everything is ok when it clearly isn't.

    It's over dude. Someone who actually loves you wouldn't do this to you.

    Viscountalpha on
  • tacos for alltacos for all Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    @ Shawnasee: Yes, that is how it went down. Like I originally stated, she consoled me by promising that we'd go together next time.

    I don't really see the relevance of her friends including guys? One of her best friends is a guy. I've met him a couple of times.

    Anyways, I talked to her this morning over the phone before she left for work, we agreed to see each other tomorrow night.

    Thanks for all the advice everyone, not sure what will happen. I mean before she summer we really had a great time together. And like Kyanilis mentioned, I assumed once summer ended we'd go back to doing more things together.

    tacos for all on
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    @ Shawnasee: Yes, that is how it went down. Like I originally stated, she consoled me by promising that we'd go together next time.

    I don't really see the relevance of her friends including guys? One of her best friends is a guy. I've met him a couple of times.

    Anyways, I talked to her this morning over the phone before she left for work, we agreed to see each other tomorrow night.

    Thanks for all the advice everyone, not sure what will happen. I mean before she summer we really had a great time together. And like Kyanilis mentioned, I assumed once summer ended we'd go back to doing more things together.
    The relevance of her friends including guys is that it's one thing if it's a "girls' night out" kind of thing, and another thing entirely if it's a mixed group and she's just ditching you because... Well, I'm not really sure why, but obviously just ditching you.

    Is it possible her friends don't like you?

    Thanatos on
  • DibsDibs Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I'm not sure if I see the relevance but this is my second relationship. My first was back in high school, our senior year she was moving across the country and I was moving 8 hours away from our home town. Didn't really seem fair to either of us so after talking for a while we broke it off.

    I guess you could say this is my first relationship as an "adult". I have dated other women but none really attracted me as my girlfriend did, not in the physical sense, it was something else, I could probably try to describe it but that would be an exhausting read.

    The relevance is whether or not you know what a healthy relationship is. If you haven't been in a relationship since high school, the answer is that you do not. From the outside, it doesn't sound like you're in one. You do seem like a person who deserves to be in one though. She sounds like she isn't capable of being in one at this point in her life.

    All the emotions you're experiencing are completely normal. If anything, it sounds like you're actually quite held back about it. I hope the talk goes well, maybe things can turn around.

    Dibs on
  • JavenJaven Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I'm prefacing this by saying that her hanging out with friends is in no way a bad thing, and that the feelings you have are probably accentuated by having a lot of idle time suddenly. So in your assessment and response, both of these are worth taking into account.

    That being said without knowing the relationship I can't say what the chances are that she's pushing you away or wants to break up with you, but I will say that the mere fact that you feel this way and it's taxing on your mind is reason enough to say something. Fact of the matter is you should have no trouble going to your girlfriend with these types of issues not only because they concern her as well as you, but what kind of relationship would it be if you couldn't? Either she dispels your worries and the issue is ended, or she verifies them and the issue is ended.

    Either way, you can't stew on this. If you keep it in it'll drive you nuts, trust me. As I said, the current circumstances RE your current work status might play into your mentality which is something to take into account before you go about accusing her of anything, but you need to be able to talk about things like this as they come up. That's what a healthy relationship is.

    Javen on
  • ShawnaseeShawnasee Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Thanatos wrote: »
    The relevance of her friends including guys is that it's one thing if it's a "girls' night out" kind of thing, and another thing entirely if it's a mixed group and she's just ditching you because... Well, I'm not really sure why, but obviously just ditching you.

    Is it possible her friends don't like you?

    Good question.

    Another good question is what does the summer have to do with anything? If she is willing to treat you like a piece of shit (and by piece of shit I mean 'avoid you at all costs') because her friends are more fun to hang out with when they are available then the season doesn't matter.

    So at every break during the year you can expect to be pushed to the side like vegetables on a 4 year olds plate whenever the "friends" are readily available for her to hang out with? And this is ok with you?

    Dibs is correct, you need to see this isn't a healthy relationship and let your GF know this isn't behavior that is conducive to a lasting relationship. As in not lasting past your sitdown talk with her.

    So many flags going off here.

    One of her best friends is a guy, you have been going out with her since Jan and you have only met him a couple times?

    Does he live out of state?

    Does the Vegas group of friends consist of dudes? If so, another flag. As Thanatos said, a 'girls night out' is a viable reason for you staying at home but if there are other guys involved in the trip then there is absolutely NO reason for you not to be able to go with her. None.

    Again, I say, prepare for a breakup dude. I would be surprised if when you talk to her she doesn't come out and say she's just not that into you. Even so, what she is doing is a asshole way to tell you.

    Shawnasee on
  • PreacherPreacher Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I dated a couple girls that almost did this exact pattern (hot couple of months, then a cooling/blowing off period) if she's the same way as they were you're about to get the "You're a really nice guy but not the right one for me."

    Probably she's getting affection from someone else and since he's new and exciting you have been downgraded. Sorry Taco you need to prepare yourself emotionally for a break up.

    Preacher on
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  • KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Preacher wrote: »
    I dated a couple girls that almost did this exact pattern (hot couple of months, then a cooling/blowing off period) if she's the same way as they were you're about to get the "You're a really nice guy but not the right one for me."

    Probably she's getting affection from someone else and since he's new and exciting you have been downgraded. Sorry Taco you need to prepare yourself emotionally for a break up.

    Now that it seems that the the group is not just a "girl's night out" sorta thing, the new person could even be in said group.

    Kyougu on
  • PreacherPreacher Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Kyougu wrote: »
    Preacher wrote: »
    I dated a couple girls that almost did this exact pattern (hot couple of months, then a cooling/blowing off period) if she's the same way as they were you're about to get the "You're a really nice guy but not the right one for me."

    Probably she's getting affection from someone else and since he's new and exciting you have been downgraded. Sorry Taco you need to prepare yourself emotionally for a break up.

    Now that it seems that the the group is not just a "girl's night out" sorta thing, the new person could even be in said group.

    Well considering he doesn't know her group of friends that well? And she's lied about doing other activities (the sunday thing) it could be this group of friends might be a singular.

    Preacher on
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  • ViscountalphaViscountalpha The pen is mightier than the sword http://youtu.be/G_sBOsh-vyIRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Thanatos wrote: »
    @ Shawnasee: Yes, that is how it went down. Like I originally stated, she consoled me by promising that we'd go together next time.

    I don't really see the relevance of her friends including guys? One of her best friends is a guy. I've met him a couple of times.

    Anyways, I talked to her this morning over the phone before she left for work, we agreed to see each other tomorrow night.

    Thanks for all the advice everyone, not sure what will happen. I mean before she summer we really had a great time together. And like Kyanilis mentioned, I assumed once summer ended we'd go back to doing more things together.
    The relevance of her friends including guys is that it's one thing if it's a "girls' night out" kind of thing, and another thing entirely if it's a mixed group and she's just ditching you because... Well, I'm not really sure why, but obviously just ditching you.

    Is it possible her friends don't like you?

    Even giving her the benefit of the doubt, she shouldn't have to lie about it. That's what I'm finding the most offensive here. That's why I'm thinking she is lying to her self at the same time.

    Viscountalpha on
  • GonmunGonmun He keeps kickin' me in the dickRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Preacher wrote: »
    Kyougu wrote: »
    Preacher wrote: »
    I dated a couple girls that almost did this exact pattern (hot couple of months, then a cooling/blowing off period) if she's the same way as they were you're about to get the "You're a really nice guy but not the right one for me."

    Probably she's getting affection from someone else and since he's new and exciting you have been downgraded. Sorry Taco you need to prepare yourself emotionally for a break up.

    Now that it seems that the the group is not just a "girl's night out" sorta thing, the new person could even be in said group.

    Well considering he doesn't know her group of friends that well? And she's lied about doing other activities (the sunday thing) it could be this group of friends might be a singular.

    I think we're getting to a point where perhaps we might be looking too far into something here. I know this seems eerily similar to a few other H/A threads that we've seen in the past where it turned out that the OP's significant other was instead seeing someone else but we should still try and give the benefit of the doubt. This very well could be, as sad as it is, just a case of "she's just not that into you anymore". But if that is the case she is doing a horrid thing by jerking you around and not being entirely truthful about things when you had plans.

    I sincerly hope this talk goes well but as others have said, be prepared in case things take a turn for the worse.

    Gonmun on
    desc wrote: »
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  • DibsDibs Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Cheating or not, she's treating him badly and the relationship isn't healthy.

    Dibs on
  • ThanatosThanatos Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Thanatos wrote: »
    @ Shawnasee: Yes, that is how it went down. Like I originally stated, she consoled me by promising that we'd go together next time.

    I don't really see the relevance of her friends including guys? One of her best friends is a guy. I've met him a couple of times.

    Anyways, I talked to her this morning over the phone before she left for work, we agreed to see each other tomorrow night.

    Thanks for all the advice everyone, not sure what will happen. I mean before she summer we really had a great time together. And like Kyanilis mentioned, I assumed once summer ended we'd go back to doing more things together.
    The relevance of her friends including guys is that it's one thing if it's a "girls' night out" kind of thing, and another thing entirely if it's a mixed group and she's just ditching you because... Well, I'm not really sure why, but obviously just ditching you.

    Is it possible her friends don't like you?
    Even giving her the benefit of the doubt, she shouldn't have to lie about it. That's what I'm finding the most offensive here. That's why I'm thinking she is lying to her self at the same time.
    If she's lying, she's probably doing it out of concern for his feelings, so I really don't see what's so "offensive" about it.

    But yeah, OP, you really just need to sit down and talk to her about the relationship. Given that we're only hearing half the story, here, any "she's about to break up with you" advice is going to be heavily colored by your own biases.

    Thanatos on
  • tacos for alltacos for all Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I don't really think I should accuse her or contemplate any other scenarios other than she's simply just not that into me as mentioned. Obviously nothing is impossible but I'd rather not think she's cheating on me too especially when I talk to her. That wouldn't really help either of us get anywhere other than have the conversation go south really fast, especially when I have zero reason to think she would. AFAIK she rather spend time with her friends than me which compels her to go out of her way to avoid me or spend as little time possible with me. I know that sounds awful itself but I don't know why she feels the need to do that hence why I'm going to talk to her, but I'm not going to assume she's doing some other guy.

    Thanatos is right though, it has become one-sided. The last thing I'd want to do is break up with her if it can be helped, I need to talk to her and at least let her know how she's been making me feel lately and try to found out why she's been acting in the way she has.

    If it is just a seasonal thing, I have to talk to her about the long-term if the relationship does indeed go on, I don't want every summer we're together to come along and assume I won't see her, Shawnasee is right in that I wouldn't be okay with that either.

    I'm still very much nervous to it all since I've never gone through something like this, and I'm worried I'll say something I'll regret. I think what resolve I had has been put off until Saturday however, since she texted me during her lunch break that Friday was no good after all (I know it sounds like she blew me off again).

    As for the other questions:

    Her best guy friend lives two apartments across from her. The Vegas group does indeed include guy friends, they're still her friends even if they are guys, so its still a friends only thing. I like talking to people and her friends were no exception, I didn't notice anyone particularly shunning me the couple of times we met, if anything they seemed to like me.



    Thanks again for all the advice and I know I probably came off as some chump (and still do for some of you) but reading everyone's responses has made me realize a few things about myself and given me insight how to approach the subject with her. I think just leaving with the resolve to talk to her has made me not regret posting, I really appreciate everyone's advice. Even reflecting back on what I posted I find I'm to blame too.

    I'll post after we talk on Saturday or any relevant update there of if anyone is interested.

    tacos for all on
  • DibsDibs Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I assume you don't want anymore questions until after your post on Saturday, but..

    When you arranged Friday, how did it go? What was said? Did you tell her there was a need to talk? Did you tell her you wanted to spend some time with her?

    Dibs on
  • SiskaSiska Shorty Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    It's possible she lied to her father, not you. Although I'm not sure what kind of errands she would have to do on a sunday. Emergency shopping?

    You two definatly need to have a talk about where your relationship is going. Too much wondering what the other person is really thinking, going on. From you description, she sounds rather young and impulsive. But if you point out to her how her treating you, makes you feel, she might make an effort to consider you more.

    Siska on
  • ShawnaseeShawnasee Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Siska wrote: »
    It's possible she lied to her father, not you. Although I'm not sure what kind of errands she would have to do on a sunday. Emergency shopping?

    You two definatly need to have a talk about where your relationship is going. Too much wondering what the other person is really thinking, going on. From you description, she sounds rather young and impulsive. But if you point out to her how her treating you, makes you feel, she might make an effort to consider you more.

    Very good point.


    @ Tacos: Yes, by no means go into the talk guns blazing and accusing her of sleeping with her friends etc, etc.
    Calm and rational. And judging by your posts, I think you have that in abundance.

    As for you being a chump? Well, no...you are just a little more level headed than I would be if I was in your shoes.

    I need to point out a couple things my wife and I were talking about last night though:

    1 - with the infrequent 30 minute dates, when do you have time to be intimate? Kissing, cuddling etc, keep the connection alive and I dare say that's just not happening right now. So how many times since she has started lessening your time together have you guys been intimate?

    2 - you have been in the relationship for 7 months and from what you have said ("I've never told her I love her, I can't say what I don't feel honestly") you don't love her. To me this really just makes her a friend with bennies. After 7 months, if you're not feeling it, why stay in it? If it's for the sex (but I don't know when you are finding the time to get that) fine but maybe the talk should be geared toward redefining what you two mean to each other.

    You're getting your feelings hurt over someone you don't love and who is basically avoiding you.

    I think this talk you are going to have is coming none too soon and I wish you luck in however it goes.

    Shawnasee on
  • Count FunkulaCount Funkula Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    From everything you've said, it seems to me that this relationship is basically over. It sounds like she knows this but is just scared to go through the actual breakup. I think the best thing would be to just do a clean break so both of you can get on with your lives. It'll be hard for a little while, but there are plenty of fish in the sea as they say, and you'll be much happier when you find a girl who actually wants to be with you and share her life with you.

    Count Funkula on
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