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Advice Please :)

Ben6661Ben6661 Registered User new member
edited July 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
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Ben6661 on

Posts

  • ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Really, the best you can do is just honestly let him know how you feel. The rest is up to him.

    He could have commitment issues, he could just be anxiety-prone.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
  • NostregarNostregar Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    How old are you guys? It does make something of a difference in the answer.

    Nostregar on
  • ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Sounds like you're doing the right thing.

    You say he tends to be a worrier, has he considered counseling of any sort? If it's just little things, that's one thing, but if it's getting in the way of living his life, it might be helpful.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
  • TL DRTL DR Not at all confident in his reflexive opinions of thingsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    The best time to seek help for a recurring problem isn't necessarily when that problem is going full swing. It might be very helpful to see a therapist and get some perspective on what is causing these anxiety attacks, and how to prevent them.

    TL DR on
  • ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I would venture to guess he isn't even sure what he's thinking or wanting right now. Anxiety does that.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
  • ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I would suggest he reconsider counseling. It can only help him.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
  • NostregarNostregar Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    I pretty much support what has been said about counseling.

    Unfortunately, if a relationship can't work because it is too stressful, that's how it goes. I never support ending a relationship because one of the people has a mental illness, but if he refuses to get counseling/get treated, there isn't much you can do.

    Nostregar on
  • ChanusChanus Harbinger of the Spicy Rooster Apocalypse The Flames of a Thousand Collapsed StarsRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Also, he has enough anxiety. Suggest it lightly. It sounds like he was at least receptive to the idea before, but don't make it sound like, "If you get help, we can get back together!"

    Something more along the lines of, "You know, you don't have to figure all this out alone. Remember when you were considering counseling before? How do you feel about that idea?" might be better.

    Chanus on
    Allegedly a voice of reason.
  • The LandoStanderThe LandoStander Registered User regular
    edited July 2009
    Anxiety attacks, if that's what he's truly suffering from, can be treated with medication. Technically he might be able to just go to his primary care physician and get a prescription but really it's best if he can go to a Psychologist/Psychiatrist and get a little perspective instead of a quick medical fix. This isn't to say that a Psychiatrist wouldn't also prescribe anti-anxiety medication but it would also come with a bit of advice and counseling which are certainly good things.

    You two are both young enough that you might still be able to be covered under your parents' insurance (depending on which state you're in and sometimes if you're in college or not). So seriously consider a bit of counseling/encouraging counseling, a primary care doctor could probably come up with a recommendation/referral.

    I don't want to be a complete Debbie Downer but you may consider taking a break yourself. He needs to clear his head (and perhaps get counseling) but you should take advantage of this too. This may sound horrible but you two are still really young, so maybe going so far as to see other people? I've been with my wife pretty much since we met in college. But early in our relationship (the first few years) we both had reservations about the idea of being the only partner the other had ever really had. It's something that I think may be a bit more problematic for us guys because of that genetic impulse to sow wild oats and all that. It's certainly something you can work through though, my wife and I are moving on four years of marriage and nine of being together as a couple. On the opposite side a college friend of mine and his wife who got married a little while after we did just split, so don't feel like this thing HAS to work or you'll never be happy again.

    So, there's certainly hope for you guys, but at the same time maybe give other people a try or just take a break and trust him to work things out while you take things easy and try not to worry too much.

    The LandoStander on
    Maybe someday, they'll see a hero's just a man. Who knows he's free.
  • EggyToastEggyToast Jersey CityRegistered User regular
    edited July 2009
    It sounds like he's combining anxiety with pessimism, which is why he's only seeing the downside. When you talk to him, tell him you're not going to be judgmental, and that this obviously bothers him and that you want him to talk to you. Don't spend the whole time reassuring him -- keep it focused on him, and when he says things about you (such as "I'm afraid to lose you") ask him "why do you think that" or "why do you feel that way?"

    In many ways that's what a counselor will do, and I do think that counseling would help him, but that doesn't mean you can't also help counsel him.

    In my opinion, you need to help him realize that while anxiety is normal, he has no reason to be pessimistic. If he's anxious about losing you, pointing out that "there's no reason for that, because you have me" and when he comes back with "yeah but what about 5 years from now" you come back with "well what about today? I'm with you today, and we're having today right now. Isn't today better than tomorrow? And guess what? I'll be with you tomorrow, too."

    So you should be optimistic and, by doing so, gently point out how his anxiety is causing him to worry about a future point that is irrelevant, because he's ignoring the present.


    The opposite point of view is that he's actually having second thoughts but isn't sure how to tell you, and he's doing this because he's not sure what HE wants and he thinks he doesn't want to be with you. But let's assume he's simply having anxiety and is worrying about the future needlessly.

    EggyToast on
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