The new forums will be named Coin Return (based on the most recent vote)! You can check on the status and timeline of the transition to the new forums here.
The Guiding Principles and New Rules document is now in effect.
Lack of momentum in life (also: a girl) U&S?
Lodbrok
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
Ok, this will be a long post, and I am not certain that there is any help or advice to be given. However, I've seen the people here give sound advice in hard situations before, and any input is appreciated.
I guess I have two problems, one concering what I percieve to be a general lack of momentum in my life, and the other one a situation with a girl. I'll start with the situation with the girl since that was what made me start thinking about my general lack of happiness.
I've known this girl for some two and a half years now, and right from the start I felt that I liked her. Since I at that point was pretty messed up from a previous history with another girl, I didn't pursue anything more than a friendship, but we became friends since we share interests and have a lot in common and also have quite a lot of mutual friends.
When I got my act together and realised that I liked this girl more than just as a friend, I guess I had missed my window. She was now in a relationship, and since I really appreciate this girl as a friend as well (we climb together, among other things) I hoped that it was just a crush and that it would pass with time. This did not, unfortunately, happen.
We continued to spend time together, never as anything more than friends. She has gone through two relationsships while I've known her, and each time she becomes single I get my hopes up that maybe this time... Now, I know this is stupid and unrealistic. In my experience people rarely go from friendship to something more. Ok, it happens, but either that special something is there or it isn't, and in this case it is quite obvious that I feel more than she does, and probably ever has.
Her last relationship ended about a month ago, and last night I found out that she has someone new lined up. Emotionally this makes me a bit sad, even though I rationally know that the chance of us getting together are very small and that I should be happy for her. I am tired of feeling this way, it drains to much of my energy and focus.
In the past I've really made an effort to get over this girl. I've cut of nearly all contact for months at a time, something that was not easy to do since I feel I have obligations as a friend to her. I've dated others, but called that of when I realised that I did it more as a distraction than out of genuine interest. It did not feel honest to the other girl. I have started to suspect that maybe these feelings will not go away, and if that is the case I guess I will have to live with them.... has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you deal with it? I realise that contact with this girl is not healthy for me, but like I said we have mutual friends and as a friend I do not feel that I can cut her out of my life completely.
The second problem I have ties in with the first. For the last three years or so it feels like my life has been more or less on hold. I'm a PhD-student, and the one thing in my life that is actually working alright is my research. This is something that I'm at least a bit proud of, but unfortunately it is also my only accomplishment these last years. Apart from my proffesional life it feels like I'm idling.
The hobbies I used to enjoy have lost their appeal, and it feels like apart from working and training, I just spend my time waiting to go to bed and go to sleep. I have tried to come up with hobbies and activities that might interest me, but I never have the energy to actually start doing them.
This might sound like a strange problem, but it has become so bad that I am considering getting a job in the evenings and weekends just to get some structure and kill time. I realise this might sound like a mild case of depression, and it is true that it has been a long time since I was actually happy. But as someone who went through a depression some years ago, this is different.
It just feels like I've lost my initiative and drive... it could be that I am not exactly doing the things that would make me happy in life, but I have hard time figuring out what I could be doing different. I have thought long and hard about this, but could not come up with anything that appeals more to me than what I am doing right now...
I have been thinking about taking a month of and perhaps go back-packing in Asia, but when I have done similar things in the past nothing has been different when I got back. So, I guess that I would like to hear if anyone has managed to turn their life around, and how drastic changes did it take?
So, if anyone managed to read all that, I appreciate any input. If not, well, maybe I managed to amuse someone with my foolishness and general failure at living...
(Edited into paragraphs for easier reading...)
I guess I have two problems, one concering what I percieve to be a general lack of momentum in my life, and the other one a situation with a girl. I'll start with the situation with the girl since that was what made me start thinking about my general lack of happiness.
I've known this girl for some two and a half years now, and right from the start I felt that I liked her. Since I at that point was pretty messed up from a previous history with another girl, I didn't pursue anything more than a friendship, but we became friends since we share interests and have a lot in common and also have quite a lot of mutual friends.
When I got my act together and realised that I liked this girl more than just as a friend, I guess I had missed my window. She was now in a relationship, and since I really appreciate this girl as a friend as well (we climb together, among other things) I hoped that it was just a crush and that it would pass with time. This did not, unfortunately, happen.
We continued to spend time together, never as anything more than friends. She has gone through two relationsships while I've known her, and each time she becomes single I get my hopes up that maybe this time... Now, I know this is stupid and unrealistic. In my experience people rarely go from friendship to something more. Ok, it happens, but either that special something is there or it isn't, and in this case it is quite obvious that I feel more than she does, and probably ever has.
Her last relationship ended about a month ago, and last night I found out that she has someone new lined up. Emotionally this makes me a bit sad, even though I rationally know that the chance of us getting together are very small and that I should be happy for her. I am tired of feeling this way, it drains to much of my energy and focus.
In the past I've really made an effort to get over this girl. I've cut of nearly all contact for months at a time, something that was not easy to do since I feel I have obligations as a friend to her. I've dated others, but called that of when I realised that I did it more as a distraction than out of genuine interest. It did not feel honest to the other girl. I have started to suspect that maybe these feelings will not go away, and if that is the case I guess I will have to live with them.... has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you deal with it? I realise that contact with this girl is not healthy for me, but like I said we have mutual friends and as a friend I do not feel that I can cut her out of my life completely.
The second problem I have ties in with the first. For the last three years or so it feels like my life has been more or less on hold. I'm a PhD-student, and the one thing in my life that is actually working alright is my research. This is something that I'm at least a bit proud of, but unfortunately it is also my only accomplishment these last years. Apart from my proffesional life it feels like I'm idling.
The hobbies I used to enjoy have lost their appeal, and it feels like apart from working and training, I just spend my time waiting to go to bed and go to sleep. I have tried to come up with hobbies and activities that might interest me, but I never have the energy to actually start doing them.
This might sound like a strange problem, but it has become so bad that I am considering getting a job in the evenings and weekends just to get some structure and kill time. I realise this might sound like a mild case of depression, and it is true that it has been a long time since I was actually happy. But as someone who went through a depression some years ago, this is different.
It just feels like I've lost my initiative and drive... it could be that I am not exactly doing the things that would make me happy in life, but I have hard time figuring out what I could be doing different. I have thought long and hard about this, but could not come up with anything that appeals more to me than what I am doing right now...
I have been thinking about taking a month of and perhaps go back-packing in Asia, but when I have done similar things in the past nothing has been different when I got back. So, I guess that I would like to hear if anyone has managed to turn their life around, and how drastic changes did it take?
So, if anyone managed to read all that, I appreciate any input. If not, well, maybe I managed to amuse someone with my foolishness and general failure at living...
(Edited into paragraphs for easier reading...) Lodbrok on
0
Posts
Do you feel your friendship could continue after you made your feelings known and she didn't feel the same way? My last two girlfriends were both long time friends before we dated. The first was a friend for about 5 years i think and now that shes with her new boyfriend, i consider her family. The other girl and i had been friends since the 5th grade (I'll be 22 in a few months). Things aren't so great between us right now but that's not exactly because we dated. My point is, its not so impossible for something to happen. If you think she wont be too weirded out, talk to her about it. Otherwise you''ll always wonder what could have happened.
Although in that case, I think I had more problems dealing with the situation than she did. We used to work at the same place, not an ideal situation in any way...seldom a good idea to mix your pernsonal and proffessional life i guess.
I have thought about just coming clean and tell her how I feel, but I do not know what that would accomplish. Sometimes I get mixed signals and think there is at least some sort of tension between us that I don't see in her interactions with her other male friends, but maybe that is just what I want to see. It is way too easy to read too much into things in these sort of situations I have noticed.
As adults, I guess our friendship would survive, but on the other hand I really do not want more drama in this situation. Maybe some things are best left unspoken when the outcome is clear anyway. I think I have shown my interest in being more than friends without actually saying as much, and the signals I have picked up haven't really been postive.
I tend to pick the latter, because that makes it that much easier to just be friends, as long as you can accept her to be just a friend, it should turn out okay. Or (and this never happens to me) she just might be in love with you and you live happily ever after.
Then again, I just love clarity and I fall in love easily.
In the end, you can never avoid drama all together, you can only try to make it a small drama or a short drama, I'd rather have a friend screaming at me for an hour than not talking to me for a year.
Enough about me, in your case it really depends just how much it's getting to you, like Aldo above me has said. Also just how you think she'd react. Is she the kind of person that would be able to laugh it off or would she think that you'd betrayed her trust and were only ever friends with her because you wanted more? That may sound horrible but I can understand how a girl, in this situation, could think that.
I have a pretty mixed-gender circle of friends and it's always amazed me just how much this "falling for a friend" situation seems limited to the guys. In the vast majority of the situations I've known like this (I can think of... 6 to hand) the guy-friend has promptly been turned down by the girl because of the friends thing. Personally I can't imagine a better person to go out with than one of your good friends, but perhaps that's just me.
SoogaGames Blog
No, its not just you. I usually get to know a person for a very long time before i become interested in them.
Well, not all girls are the same and you know her better than us intarwebs-peoples, so in the end, you will have to figure out what works best for the two of you.
After all, it was my own stupidity that got me into this situation, and I do not think that I have the right to spill it out when I already know the likely outcome... the last thing I wish to do is hurt this girl, even if there is slim chance of that judging from the kind of person I know her to be. On the other hand, I may not be the best judge of character, and the older I get the more surprising things I learn about how people work...
The sad thing about all this is that it actually is getting to me more than I like to admit. For the last month I have been taking a course with the girl in question and spending a lot more time than usual with her. When I stop and think about it I realise that way to much of my thoughts are occupied by thinking about this situation.
Anyway, after this week I will not see her for some time due to christmas holidays. Hopefully I will be able to figure out a way to deal with it during this time, although time and distance have not really helped in the past.
So you think that the falling for friend scenario is more common among guys? Could be I guess, I haven't really thought about it... Maybe guys are more likely to act out of bravado even though they are aware it will not lead anywhere? Or perhaps guys are truly more likely to fall for friends... I know that it certainly is the case for me, it is very rare that I feel an atraction other than on a purely physical level without knowing the person pretty well...
In my experience, it was pretty even. In the two time i dated a friend, the girl brought up the idea of us dating. Noticeable changes in the way we interacted for a couple weeks followed by the girl saying something. I had developed feelings for them first i bet but they were the one to bring the matter up.
I met a girl at the beginning of university who i became friends with, who was on my course, and who another uni course-friend had a big crush on, he even told me that he didn't want the other lads to try anything on with her. The problem was, i started to get a little bit of a crush on her, or so i thought.
I stopped hanging round with him when she was around for a couple of weeks just to ensure i got my head sorted and didn't fuck over my mate, who wasn't dating her or anything but was trying things to get in good with her. Yet, when i ended up going out for a night out with him, she ended up being there too. In my drunken idiocy i started dancing with her whilst he was at the bar, and ended up pulling her as he was coming back over with the drinks.
This fucked my head because firstly i'd just been the biggest nobehead in the world, and she'd just started kissing me. I quickly walked aay and found my mate who i apologized to sincerely and, after a couple of days got him to forgive me.
Now after a couple more weeks of staying away from her and just going around with my non-course mates. I tried to give it time so thati didn't gain any feelings, but every time i saw her my feelings got stronger and whenever i went to bed she'd be the only thing i was thinking of so i couldn't sleep. I also started getting the feling like a hand was in my chest squeezing my heart whenever i saw her with another guy.
I talked this over with my friend and he said that he didn't want anything to go on with her now because she didn't seem to be wanting anyting more than friendship for him and he didn't exactly love her so he was just gonna let himself heal and go for someone else.
He also said that anyting going on between me and her was o.k with him and as long as it didn't get in the way of me and him being friends then it didn't matter.
Sorry this is taking so long this is the last bit...
Well this is where i actually found that this lovely innocent girl that i really really liked was a wolf in sheeps clothing from hell.
I ended up one night about 7 or 8 months after it all started and at the end of the night i was with her and she came back to my place, where i was going to have sex with her but i ended up not, and doing "other stuff instead", we didn't have sex because let us just say my key didn't fit her lock. That's quite funny i know but this will help in a minute.
After this experience my feelings skyrocketed and i knew i had to see if she wanted a reationship out of it. I took weeks and weeks to figure out what i really wanted and making sure that i actually had to have this. So i went to hers and asked her if there was anything that could go on between us.
She said she didn't know and that she would tell me in a few days after she'd thought about it. She came back to me after a week or so and told me that she believes that nothing could happen between me and her, and that she was going to start a relationship with someone else.
I was horrifically bummed for a few days, I didn't eat or sleep well and i'll admit i cried once during this few days. Then one day i just realised that i could feel this ay about someone else, i got out and met some other girls, and for some reaso, that sense of absolute closure from her made me feel the world of good. I ended up going with a few other girls and now, a good year and a half later, view her as nothing more than a friend. For some unusual reason i no longer find have any non-friend feelings for her at all.
This may seem like a long convoluted way to tell you to just go and tell her how you feel. Yet, i thought it would be good for you to know that this is coming from someone who has had an experience like this and that you will feel this way about someone else.
And if she ends up not liking you then just tell yourself that there is no chance of anything ever happening, go grieve about it for a few days, telling yourself that you have no chance and you will stop thinking about having her.
Also, if she says yes then good shit and good luck.
Of course this is anecdotal and I don't know everything that goes on in other people's lives.
SoogaGames Blog
Well the way it was with me...
I said something to a mutual friend about the first girl. Think she might have said something so the girl wasn't afraid to say something to me.
The 2nd girl and i just started hanging out every single night for like two weeks watching movies at her place. We would curl up on the couch together all night and i would end up with my arms around her. I get a call one day saying "umm... are we going out? because i would be ok with that.". Just thought i should clarify that they just didn't come up to me one day out of the blue and say "hey i like you".
Therefore, simply tell her "Well I wanted to be more than just friends, so I guess we can't be anything now" and never talk to her again. There's nothing wrong with being upfront about your wishes. Most of the time, this will make you feel better in the long run.
Ironically, this also has a better chance of changing her mind.
HOWEVER, make sure your not one of *those* guys who wants to be more than just friends with all the girls he has as friends. Always make sure you atleast have some girls who you will always want to just be friends with.
I know that if the roles were reversed, I would be a little hurt if one of my female friends told me that since I did like her as a friend but nothing more we could not be friends any more. I can understand this line of reasoning if being around the girl makes you so frustrated that you just can not stand it, but it is not that bad in my case, and like I said, I feel that I have certain obligations as a friend. I have never given up a friendship yet and I do not wish to start now.
Also, I have very little hope of actually getting with this girl. I guess by now it is pretty clear that it is just not going to happen.
And for the record: I have many female friends I only consider friends. I really do not consider sex an issue when forming friendships and treat my female friends no different from my male ones. It is just an unfortunate fact that sometimes you develop feelings for someone who happens to be a friend.
Your suggestion to our pal is that he should just say he loves her and when she says no, never talk to her again, because nothing will change. But because that makes you "one of *those* guys" you should instead try and find some chicks who you don't want to have a relationship with.
MANG WUT?
If you still want to come back and be just-friends with her someday in the future, you could still do that, but only after you've moved on with your life and already have someone else.
People *can* be friends after dating failed, you don't have to ignore them for decades or only come back when you've got someone else. As long as you can accept that nothing's going to happen, things will be fine!
If she likes you as a friend and has treated you as a friend, she is not lying or acting, you will only hurt her feelings by running away from her.
Now. People have been saying you should dread the "I only like you as a friend" talk. These people are idiots. You should welcome anything this girl has to say, because you respect and appreciate her opinion. She may reject you, she may never like you the way you like her. This is something you need to deal with, not ignore. Especially since the whole "woe betide, my love shall never know how dearly I want her" mood tends to super charge any feelings of crushiness. Trying to be noble does that too, stop it. The only noble thing to do is to make this relationship something she can control as well. Maybe she'll be overjoyed, never realizing you could think of her that way, and jump your bones. Maybe she'll say she thinks of you as a big brother. These are both equally acceptable outcomes. You know why? Because you don't love her. Love needs to be reciprocated. You are infatuated. If that infatuation is returned, yay! If not, yay! Because you can move the heck on.
Now, I would like to add a few things: yes, you can be friends after this, no it doesn't need to be weird, if you thought it wasn't weird before you were deluding yourself anyways. My girlfriend and I hang out with one of her exes plenty, because he is a pretty cool dude. Knowing your relationship with someone else is good, it's respectful to the other people in your life to actually say things to them, instead of trying to hide what you feel.
The only thing that does make hanging out annoying is this unrequited love bullshit. Right now, my girlfriend has more than a few people who are trying to get into her pants. They do this because, really, she is a very awesome girl. They also do this because I am a non-threatening guy. This is disrespectful to her. Chasing a girl by dropping hints, flirting, not saying anything, clamming up when she mentions her boyfriend, and so on means that you think she doesn't know what she's doing. It also means you think she should read your mind. Both of these are terrible, really annoying things to think. That makes it tough to hang out. I don't want to be around guys who think of my lovely girlfriend as a prize to be wrested from my grasp.
Now. I know you're not actively trying to steal her away or some such crap, you've said as much. But I bring it up because it's equally disrespectful to be afraid she'll tell you she doesn't like you as anything but a friend. Right now, you're building a relationship that has very little to do with her feelings, and that is not a nice thing to do. if you truly like and respect someone, it means respecting their opinions, especially their opinions about you. It's not failure to have a friendship.
Oh! Don't do it drunk this time, either.
also
Listen to Aldo.
You should do this for yourself mainly, after she is out of your life for awhile you may start finding yourself generaly interested in other girls. If she is good friend, she will understand your reasons for needing to take a break... Just be totally honost with her, and she should have no problem slowly welcoming you back into her life.
Taking time off will make you feel as though you are doing something when you are not. One of those guys pining after my GF? Has been doing it for over two years, in a variety of situations "taking time off" just made him even more annoyed that she hadn't dropped me yet . Ask her out, if she says no, stop pining.
edit: My GF had this to say:
(GF): the thing that pissed me off the most was that when i said "no" the last time he lost all interest in being friends
(GF): and then i just felt like he never liked me because he thought i was cool
If you like her in any real way, you will not fake being "just friends", and always secretly hope. Also, you will not drop her like a hot potato if she says "no".
It is disrespectful to her to just keep these feelings locked up hoping she might one day say "hey, out of the 8million guys i dated in the last 50 years, I never thought of Lodbrok"
Here is my advice, don't say I love you, don't say I think we'd be perfect together. In fact say no more about being together then you'd like to go out on a date. Nothing will screw you over more then planning your wedding before your first date.
After which, if you're friends with her for any real reason then you wont have an awkward time with her. And don't believe if she says no you can change her mind.
Or, you could just not be a douche and treat her like a human being instead of just another piece of tail you wanted to get with. This is terrible, terrible advice, and will only end up hurting her and making you feel like a class A jackass.
I've been there myself; I ended up falling ass over teakettle for one of my friends and was in love with her for a long time (like, 6 years or so, although it was prolonged by only getting to see her during summers). Eventually I just grew a pair and told her what was up.
"Look, [name], I like you. I think we should go out sometime to see how things work."
Simple as that. If she says no, you just respond by saying that it's ok, and you don't want to lose a friend over the whole thing. It will make you feel a shitload better, and you might end up getting a great girl out of it (for the record, mine didn't work out, but she's one of my best friends now, so it's all good).
Apologies for the lack of eloquence, but I was up pretty much all night.
Holy fuck, yes. I don't want to be mean, but seriously. I've done this, friends have done this, you want to bone her. Do not be ashamed, just ask her the hell out. It is mean to try to pretend you don't feel anything, and... basically everything Mad Jazz said.
Seriously, everything Mad Jazz said is perfect.
This is a differant situation then, becuase you were drunk man, no one appreciates that behaviour, and obviously it makes the situation very difficult to discuss.
Talk to her properly and sensibly, and make a fucking move, you're not helping anything by doing this shit to yourself.
That said:
This is not gonna be nice to hear, but it's my personal experience.
I've had my heart broken once in my life; that's because I've only known one girl who I've really felt some kind of deeper connection with, and, sadly, things couldn't work out as they were at that time.
Here's the sad truth: as much as I've moved on, I can't honestly say I've ever completely gotten over it, either. I've had girlfriends since then, had short summer flings, had whatever-the-hell you want to describe, and I don't spend my time thinking about this girl all the time or anything, but, for the life of me, I've never connected with anyone else like I did with her, period. I likely will with someone else some day (there are too many women out there not to), but that day hasn't come yet.
In the meantime? Again, the sad truth: it sucks, and it hurts, and that hurt is not about to just up and vanish 100%. But, if things honestly just can't work between you, you CAN move on, and, if you realize that, you'll be fine. Again, that hurt you feel might not ever completely go away, but, you know what? Lots of people carry far worse emotional scars than someone who's been heartbroken; compared to victims of abuse, serious loss, or war, I've got it made in the fuckin' shade.
The thing is, with this girl, I'm just myself; we're very close friends. I don't put up an act, I don't try to hide that, yeah, I was hurt when she told me she "wasn't ready" for what I wanted, but I'll be damned if that's gonna stop me from treating her like she deserves to be treated, like someone who actually means something to me, even if it is just great friendship. And if, somehow, we manage to get things to work in the future? Great! If not? Again, that pain will still be there, but I'll feel good knowing I have a good friend, and I'll move on.
Wii Code: 5700 4466 3616 6981 (PM if y'all add me)
Just from reading your post, I get the impression that you don't have a whole lot of close friends in your life at the moment, and that the intense feelings you have for this girl aren't entirely romantic. Is it possible that you just have a really close friendship with this girl, and you're hanging too much emotional rationalisation off it? Not that you're lonely, per se, just that you've invested too much into this friendship.
In any case - even if she really is the love of your life - the sure-fire solution is to meet more people. Guys or girls, it's not really important. Being so dependent on one person for happiness can be a bit of a trap. Get yourself out there, and try and build up some friendships that are more emotionally satisfying.
Have you got any friends from school/college you could catch up with?
I do realise that not saying anything is disrespectfull as well. All relationships, be they romantic or not, must be built on honesty, and what I have been doing is not very honest, I guess. Not that I have done anything inappropriate when she has been in a relationship, that is just not me, but it is true that I have not been completely honest.
On the other hand, since the probable outcome is clear anyway, and I know this, what would be the point? Is there really something magical that makes it easier to go on just because you hear it spoken out loud? After all, these are my problems to deal with and it does not feel fair to dump them in her lap.
To Zsetrek:
Yes, I have a number of close friends that I have shared this situation with. It is not like this girl is my only friend or anything, so I do not believe that this is the problem.
Edit:
Ok, upon rereading the answers so far it seems that the concensus is that I should just tell her how I fell... both for my own sake and since it is dishonest to her to keep acting like I only see her as a friend. I see the wisdom in this, but at the same time it scares me a little. I think I will see her one more time before christmas, but I don't know if that would be good time to bring up something like this...
Sorry if I came off overly harsh in my other posts, but I've done this before too... and man does it suck way more than just coming clean. Plus, it leads to that super-annoying geek trait of thinking girls can just not understand you, which you don't want. I also give you many points for not yelling at me that I just don't understand how love works, as some of my buddies did. God, I hate my friends sometimes. I hope everything turns out well for you, man.
Also, what exactly are you a PhD student of?
Hey, you did not say anything I have not said to myself many times already. Usually I see myself as a down-to-earth and rational person, but when feelings are involved... it is hard to analyze your own situation and put things into perspective I guess. Always good to hear it from someone else.
As for the PhD stuff, I'm in molecular evolution. Basically, I started as a biologist, but over time I have drifted towards bioinformatics more and more and nowadays I mainly do computer analyses and PERL-coding. I miss the lab-work, but on the other hand, sitting in front of a computer gives me plenty of time to read the message-boards!
That being said, I still think you should tell her. She will probably say no, and you will probably not feel the same around her ever again. You will either have to cut your ties or get over this crush. Getting over the crush is very difficult and she will still want to be friends.
But it's not healthy to be in a friendship that falls short of what you want it to be. You'll need to act on this sooner than later
But hey, she could say yes!
Gah, let me repeat: It is embarrassing to be rejected, but you are an adult. Deciding to "cut your ties"... I already addressed this.
If you actually enjoy a person's company, even without the prospect of sex, then you can continue hanging out with them. The crush goes away because you resolve the situation and respect the girl, the friendship does not have to. Especially since as a mature person, I presume you can manage to not hold a "no" against this girl.
Also: Extremely cool PhD. I now understand why working was a neat part of your life instead of depressing. This reminds me that I need to learn PERL.
Sometimes the crush doesn't go away and being rejected might only makes you want them more. It is not healthy to be friends with someone that you are attracted to, especially when they are dating others. One of the biggest problems with trying to be friends afterwords is that the woman will feel closer to you after having rejected you and may tend to lead you on at times without realizing it.
Our OP sounds smart enough to understand that no=no.
Saying "I really like you and want to go out" is the quickest way to lose attraction, or any chance you have with a girl. not counting of course if you know how to do it, your personality is entirely confident, but in these cases a thread like this wouldnt exist.
Ask her out, don't confess to her why?
A. IF a girl you thought was JUST your best friend suddenly confessed feelings for you, and you, had no feelings for her you might feel your entire relationship was a sham, and kind of be hurt by that.
B. Girls dont like wussies, saying "I've liked you for a really long time and want to go out to see if theres anything there" is a definitive wussy line.
To carry this further, I would add that I am a big advocate of ending friendships in situations like this. It has nothing to do with respect. Or rather, it has nothing to do with respecting her. It has far more to do with respecting yourself, and maintaining your masculinity.
By maintaining a friendship with a woman you have unrequited feelings for, you are sending two messages. First, you are telling her that you are willing to let her dictate the course of your relationship. Friendships and relationships are two-way streets; she has every right to say no to dating you, of course, but likewise you have the right to end an unhealthy friendship. In a perfect world, there would be a way for her to let you down without emasculating you, but sadly, we do not live in a perfect world. Second (and more importantly), you are setting a precedent for yourself, possibly establishing a pattern of passivity in your love life. Is that what you want?
The best thing I can do is advise you to look at the guys who never have to deal with this problem. Everyone generally has a few of these people in their acquaintance. Do they maintain friendships with women they have unrequited feelings for? Speaking from experience, I can tell you that they do not.
Twitter | Facebook | Tumblr | Last.fm | Pandora | LibraryThing | formspring | Blue Moon over Seattle (MCFC)
Honestly, those are some pretty classic symptoms of depression you list. I'd suggest that you at least talk to your doctor about it. Getting evaluated can't hurt. There are different types, and severities of depression. And, according to some reading I've been doing, having been depressed in the past makes you more likely to have future episodes of depression.
In regards to this girl, I'll be blunt. Shit or get off the pot. Yeah, she may be about to go out on a date with some other dude, but they aren't in a exclusive relationship yet are they?
In my experience with similar situations in my own past, while I crashed and burned, in the long run I felt way, way, better having purged myself of that constant "what if" stuff and the feeling like a lying tool because I wasn't being honest with the girl.
That assumes a couple of things.
One, that you have no interest whatsoever in the girl beyond simple attraction. If that's the case, then you never had a friendship to begin with, and, yes, it would make sense not to continue being a friend. However, this doesn't work as some blanket statement; I've been told no by girls I'm friendly with before, and it's not like I became a doorstop for them.
Secondly, that also implies that one would be incapable of sticking up for himself in a situation like this. Why not? Just because you have unrequited feelings doesn't mean you can't tell yourself "Eh, it sucks, but I still dig her as a person, and I'll move on." I'd argue it's more unhealthy to cut off ties with a person the way you suggest, unless, again, we're talking a situation where there is, again, no feelings of closeness from one party beyond mere attraction.
Wii Code: 5700 4466 3616 6981 (PM if y'all add me)
A few things.
Me asking my splendid girlfriend out went something like this:
"Ooooh! pretty!"
"Huminga mageriaf you're nice"
"I really want to go out with you"
Then she asked me if I felt like going out Friday. Apparently nothing revs her motor like an (incredibly cute, mind you) gigantically dorky guy who is shy. It put her at ease, because she's a pretty shy person, and was used to guys coming on annoyingly strong.
Now, to respond to A: I've posted it twice, and you're getting a PhD, so I think you get it. But to repeat to the OP: my girlfriend has gone through this, literally this, on the other side of the equation. Yes, if all you like about this girl is her looks, it was stupid to pretend to be friends. I am going to assume you have at least a certain interest in her beyond trying to get into her pants. If this is the case, she will feel kinda bad when you say "oh man you won't jump my bones see ya".
Now, I'm going to quote the dumbest part, because it deserves it.
BAD, NO. No.
First of all, "girls" like an astonishing variety of things. Having a vagina does not connect you to the fucking Hivemind. From my personal experience, each and every girl I have ever met wanted something different out of a significant other.
Second, the route away from this situation is not by being such a jackass that you can't handle making yourself a bit vulnerable. For one thing, girls may sometimes like (amazingly hot) wusses like myself, but I have yet to meet a girl I'd like to hang out with who liked a lying wuss. Again, I presume you're a smart guy, but I can't let ridiculous shit like this go by unchallenged.
You can be a lying tool, or you can be honest. There are a lot of ways to lie, but there's only one way to be honest with her.
How would this even work? When you know someone and has spent time together before, if all by a sudden you insist that this is a date, would it not be equivalent to just saying it outright? I have trouble wrapping my head around how this would play out in a scenario such as mine without being more or less the same thing as just saying it.
Anyway, as for "winning her" I really do not think that is something I should hope for at this point. It is more about trying to keep her as a friend, if possible, and just trying to move on from a situation that is not good for me.
To naporeon:
He, I couldn't help but laugh a little when I read "maintaining your masculinity". I'm sure you speak from experience, but how would such a thing make me less of man? Please elaborate if you want, it is just that such thoughts seem very removed from how I, and my male friends, think. Sure, I do not want to establish "a pattern of passivity" in my love life, but I have problems appliyng that line of thoughts to my situation. I do not usually have problems interacting and dealing with rejection from girls, but this situation is something different.
To Corvus:
Yes, I'm quite aware of that, and I've been thinking about getting proffesional help for it. But the thing is, I'm not sure what can be done about it from a medical point of view. Medication is not something I would consider appropriate, and as for more physical training and other things usually recommended for depression, it is something I intend to start taking more seriously next semester.
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that even if I have a mild depression, it is not so severe that it would stop me actually changing what is causing it in the first place... if I could just figure out what to do.
We're not talking about long-term, here. We're talking about the initial stages of a relationship. And in the initial stages women do not in fact like "wussies."
Is this true of ALL women? Of course not. As you say, women like an "astonishing variety" of things. But since at its best, H/A is educated guesswork, some generalizations are not only useful, they are necessary. I pity you if you think that NiteMare's blanket statement was dumb.
But enough of that. We're not in D&D, we're in H/A.
OP, ultimately whatever happens with this woman is going to be the result of both you and she. How she responds to you, and what "flavor" of relationship you choose to have with her (e.g. if you elect to continue the friendship, in the event of her turning you down) are variables that no one can predict with any real accuracy. But my advice is simple: be confident, be brave, and go for what you want. Despite this being a rather odious bromide, it is a great way to live your life, and absolutely the best way to conduct yourself romantically. The worst case scenario here is that she says no. And really, in the long run, that's not so bad at all.
Twitter | Facebook | Tumblr | Last.fm | Pandora | LibraryThing | formspring | Blue Moon over Seattle (MCFC)