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Got fucked over and can't get it out of my head

FandyienFandyien But Otto, what about us? Registered User regular
edited August 2009 in Help / Advice Forum
So I went down to Georgia to visit my now ex-girlfriend about a week ago. In short, it was awful. She ignored me, got blackout drunk every night (to the point where she was falling over), and on the third day - after I spent a shitton of money on her - she got wasted and told me there was someone else. I was trying to help her get into bed because she was too drunk to stand, and she said "I love ____, I wish you were him", and that was when I gave up. I went home two days later miserable as fuck and I've kept to myself since. She ditched me alone in her room to spend time with him every night I was there. I'm pretty sure she fucked him while I was alone. I broke my toe looking for her because she was drunk and I was worried when she nailed the dude.

Anyway, she just called me for the first time since she hugged me before I got on the train. She was slurring her words and laughing, clearly totally blackout wasted. She talked about how she needed stitches and was bleeding because "her new boyfriend makes her want to cut herself." She then started saying "I have a new boyfriend" in a teasing way over and over, just to upset me. I told her to go to hell, and she just started laughing like a maniac. It just totally fucked me up. I don't care if she's cutting herself. Fuck her, I hope she dies.

How do I get this out of my goddamn head? Every minute, I think about how hard she fucked me over, and how nasty stuff like that is. I can't get over it. We were together three years, and now she's calling me just to see if she can make me cry at 3:00 in the morning.

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Fandyien on
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    BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    don't answer her calls, e-mails, texts, or im's. this is just a completely fucked up situation, it's just gonna need time fandy-duder. <3

    during the day, hang out with your friends if you can, just keep busy, don't contact her, don't accept contact from her.

    Belruel on
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    admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Belruel wrote: »
    don't answer her calls, e-mails, texts, or im's. this is just a completely fucked up situation, it's just gonna need time fandy-duder. <3

    during the day, hang out with your friends if you can, just keep busy, don't contact her, don't accept contact from her.

    There is absolutely no reason you should have any contact with this nutjob. There's no magic bullet to make you feel better, but if you keep busy and do things you like she'll get out of your head.

    admanb on
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    ZombiemamboZombiemambo Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    I don't think you really can, unfortunately. Healing is a matter of time, and for better or for worse, until you're over it you live day to day with the thoughts lingering around. Maybe it's part of the process - maybe thinking about it a lot is what allows you to heal. Ignoring certainly won't solve the problem, if you manage to do it.

    We've all been in your situation, where somebody we cared for fucked us over. Maybe not this bad, but you're not completely alone. When you get over it, you'll come out the other end as a stronger, wiser person. You may look back on it and ultimately consider it a positive experience. I believe people grow the most from experiences like these.

    If it's any consolation, she sounds like she was poisonous for you. If she wants to drown herself in alcohol, she can do it without you.

    Zombiemambo on
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    cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Yeah, this is a "get the fuck away from her" type situation. She is nothing but delicious looking poison.

    cooljammer00 on
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    BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    also, make sure you don't get back with her again no matter what fandy. fool you once, shame on her, fool you twice... or more.... many more times, shame on you.

    no matter how sad and lonely you are, and how sorry she is and how she realizes what she had now that she lost it and abloo bloo she is cutting herself to make you love her again stay away from the crazy bitch.

    Belruel on
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    cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Belruel wrote: »
    also, make sure you don't get back with her again no matter what fandy. fool you once, shame on her, fool you twice... or more.... many more times, shame on you.

    no matter how sad and lonely you are, and how sorry she is and how she realizes what she had now that she lost it and abloo bloo she is cutting herself to make you love her again stay away from the crazy bitch.

    No but you see, she's cutting herself because she's so in lurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrve with this new awesome guy who makes her want to do this shit. There's a difference.

    :|

    cooljammer00 on
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    BelruelBelruel NARUTO FUCKS Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    no you see, crazy love cutting like that, translates to just plain crazy cutting when the new guy does something awful, or she realizes her ex was so much better. and fandy is a nice duder who is a sucker for this girl. i have had guy friends who got back with their crazy ladies over and over again even when it was proven they were cheating crazy whores.

    lady goes:"but john! i love you so much i realize now how great we were together! if you don't get back with me i will cut myself!"
    dude goes: "dang, i loved this girl a lot, maybe she means it this time and she was just having a bad time with the being a whore and all, let's give it a shot"
    then: AAAAAH DISASTER

    Belruel on
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    The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    On the plus side you are no longer with a girl who would do this to you

    The Black Hunter on
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    NappuccinoNappuccino Surveyor of Things and Stuff Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Yeah.

    If you ever feel like she needs help, call her friends/your friends/ hospital to have them take care of it. Getting involved more than that could cause your feelings to stir back up. (hell, that may even be enough by itself).

    Pretty much do what Belruel suggested by removing all contact with her- it'll make getting over her go by faster and only do what I suggested if you really think she'll seriously harm herself.

    Nappuccino on
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    RazielRaziel Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Wow, I'd be pissed off too.

    Anyway, so about these phone calls at 3 a.m. Ignore them, don't pick them up, and she'll get bored with it and move on to tormenting her current boyfriend.

    I know you're choked and all, but dude, this one sits pretty clearly in the win column for you.

    Raziel on
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    BrotherVoodooBrotherVoodoo Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Congrats, you met one of humanities low points. I've met people like this before. Try to see the signs of similiar behavior and avoid these people like the fucking plague. Tell me, were there signs of her being a crazy fucking bitch before...cause I can't imagine this came out of nowhere. Anyways, I feel bad, just try to get around better people than this. Jesus.

    BrotherVoodoo on
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    FalloutFallout GIRL'S DAY WAS PRETTY GOOD WHILE THEY LASTEDRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Damn, dude.

    If it's any help when it comes to that moment when she calls you and you're tempted to pick up, just remember that when you answer that phone you're actively rewarding her for tormenting you. When you ignore her and delete her messages without listening to them, you're robbing her of the sadistic pleasure she's taking in tormenting you.

    Take care, man, you don't deserve this treatment. <3

    Fallout on
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    Track NineTrack Nine Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Really, it looks like "karma" will sort this one out.. and may already be doing so.

    It sounds like she's not entirely happy in her decision, may have doubts/regrets, and is trying to get a reaction from you to make herself feel better. Basically, she may want to know you're coming off worse so that she doesn't feel quite so bad about the position she's landed herself in. And the reassurace she gets from knowing you are so hurt by it all and that she can so easily hurt you gives her the sense that she still has a fallback in the form of an ex who still clearly has feelings for her.

    Whatever the case, it doesn't sound like she's going to come out of this on top. Follow these other posters fine advice and just stop responding. Sometimes cutting someone off and walking away really does end up being the best way to get back at them - unfortunately the hard part is fighting the idea that you HAVE to do something, when in reality you're better off doing nothing at all.

    Track Nine on
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    Locust76Locust76 Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Next time she calls, answer and just put the phone down. Let her talk to empty air and waste her minutes :)

    Other than that, just be glad you're out of it. She's bad mojo, dude.

    Locust76 on
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    FyreWulffFyreWulff YouRegistered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2009
    Basically, she's abusing you, but over the phone now. She's so drunk that any words you say will not do anything with her.

    In short, she's trolling you. You know, those trolls don't care at all what you say, they just want a reaction.

    Either block her number, unplug your phone for a while, or the next time she calls, flip the phone upside down so that you can't hear her and start reading the Constitution.

    FyreWulff on
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    The Black HunterThe Black Hunter The key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple, unimpeachable reason to existRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    FyreWulff wrote: »
    Basically, she's abusing you, but over the phone now. She's so drunk that any words you say will not do anything with her.

    In short, she's trolling you. You know, those trolls don't care at all what you say, they just want a reaction.

    Either block her number, unplug your phone for a while, or the next time she calls, flip the phone upside down so that you can't hear her and start reading letters from james joyce.

    The Black Hunter on
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    DusT_HounDDusT_HounD Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Whoa, sorry to hear that you're having such trouble- damaged goods alert!

    Definitely seconding all the excellent advice here- get off her radar, don't accept calls, immerse yourself in the company of friends who make you feel good about yourself.

    When you're ready to move on, you'll no doubt meet someone awesome, probably through those friends, and you'll forget this sorry episode ever happened. Time is the most important thing- just because she's managed to upset you today, tomorrow is going to be a different story.

    Hand of rock!!!
    \m/

    DusT_HounD on
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    GrennGrenn Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    That's pretty harsh, sorry to hear it.

    As people have already advised, number one is cut off all contact.

    Keep busy. It is only natural for something like that to play on your mind to an almost unbearable degree but you can ride it out through a process of working to keep your mind and body occupied (excercise, cleaning, whatever), spending time with friends and people who are good for you, and planning for the future.

    What has happened is a good thing because it's clear she was poisonous and holding you back. Take a look at yourself and where you are in your life, identify where you want to be, and move on. You will meet someone new and you'll be far better off for it.

    I actually had something similar happen with an ex of mine many year ago. The breakup happened at Christmas and she was pretty nasty about it, so if course it stung. I severed all ties. It was hard but I took a long look at myself and moved on.

    A few years later I bumped into her and she said she felt awful and was ashamed at how she'd acted. It didn't matter - I'd already moved on months and months ago and was incredibly glad that she had given me the opportunity to move on with my life, even though that's not what she intended. Seems she was still beating herself up about it though.

    Take it as a positive thing dude. Today you leave it behind you and move forward.

    Good luck. 8-)

    Grenn on
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    KyouguKyougu Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Man, that's rough dude. But like everyone has said, think of this as a good thing. Look at the way she's acting, would you really want to be with someone like that?

    Concentrate on yourself at the moment. Hit the gym, hang out with friends, play games, read, bone up on your studies. And just remind yourself how much better you are without her, and how she's the one that's missing out.

    Kyougu on
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    DunxcoDunxco Should get a suit Never skips breakfastRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Man, what an ungrateful bitch. Seriously, as people have said, you did good turning around and getting the fuck out of dodge. Definitely not the kind of person I'd want to be associated with. Most mobile phone operators allow you to have certain numbers barred from calling your phone, so you can definitely block her off from getting to you that way. Then you can just block her from contacting you over IM or texting or emails. Systematically cutting her out of your life bit by bit.

    It's good that you feel that hate though, means you're not going to try and go back to her (Hah! As if you would, judging from what you've said). Surround yourself with your mates and do whatever you find fun. Watch some movies, have a couple of (light) drinks, play video games, go out and hang out, that sort of thing. Consider starting a hobby to keep your mind occupied - especially something you can do any time of the day. When I broke up with my last girlfriend, I bought my first guitar and learnt how to play (I'm dogshit, but it kept me my mind occupied for months).

    Above all - do not retaliate to her childish taunting. You are being the grown-up here, there's no reason to stoop to her level, even if you really want some revenge. You are better than that and above that.

    Dunxco on
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    HalfmexHalfmex I mock your value system You also appear foolish in the eyes of othersRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    As others have said, cut off all contact immediately and forever hereafter. Lose her number, remove her from any online contact methods you have, change your number if necessary, cut her out of your life. She doesn't deserve to be in it.

    Step two, all that nastiness you're feeling? Get it out of you. How? I've found music can be quite therapeutic for times like this. Corny as it might sound, listening to some angry/breakup music (if you're a punk rock fan, might I suggest Wind In Your Sail by Lagwagon) can be extremely helpful when you're feeling particularly down/hurt.

    Beyond that, go out with friends and/or family, get out of the house and do things to take your mind off of her, physical activities preferably since it exerts the most energy and helps keep you focused on that one thing. Time will do its thing and you'll be over her eventually. Best of luck to you, I've been where you are before and it's terrible, but it does go away with time and effort.

    Halfmex on
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    RocketSauceRocketSauce Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    She sounds like an awful human being. Take solace in the knowledge that shit usually doesn't work out for them.

    RocketSauce on
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    ShawnaseeShawnasee Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    This sucks but this is fortunate:

    You didn't end up marrying her and you don't have kids together.

    Rejoice in that thought.

    Shawnasee on
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    urahonkyurahonky Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Don't play White Knight. Please... There's nothing you can do to fix this situation and there's nothing you SHOULD do to fix it.

    urahonky on
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    badpoetbadpoet Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    The advice above is all great. Ignore all contact. Block her cellphone number (she'll try to call from other numbers, I would just avoid picking up numbers I didn't know), if your provider allows it. Don't read emails. Delete her facebook from your friends.

    Move on. It won't be easy, you'll be worried about her well being. What you need to recognize is that if she's going to hurt herself, she'll do it whether you are there are not. And, if she ends up hurting herself seriously, that's her fault, not yours. Never yours. Got it?

    badpoet on
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    ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    urahonky wrote: »
    Don't play White Knight. Please... There's nothing you can do to fix this situation and there's nothing you SHOULD do to fix it.

    If someone called me, no matter who and what they had done to me in the past, talking about being driven to cutting etc etc etc, I'd get in touch with their parents. I am not qualified to handle it, I do not want to be involved in their life, but there is nothing wrong with doing the only thing you can do before you say "no, fuck this shit, I'm out of here."
    If you feel some moral weight on your shoulders, then do the awkward thing and get in touch with someone who will do something. Then get the fuck out of there. If you can save a voicemail as solid proof that this girl is in a really fucking bad situation, even better.

    Improvolone on
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    The Crowing OneThe Crowing One Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    urahonky wrote: »
    Don't play White Knight. Please... There's nothing you can do to fix this situation and there's nothing you SHOULD do to fix it.

    If someone called me, no matter who and what they had done to me in the past, talking about being driven to cutting etc etc etc, I'd get in touch with their parents. I am not qualified to handle it, I do not want to be involved in their life, but there is nothing wrong with doing the only thing you can do before you say "no, fuck this shit, I'm out of here."
    If you feel some moral weight on your shoulders, then do the awkward thing and get in touch with someone who will do something. Then get the fuck out of there. If you can save a voicemail as solid proof that this girl is in a really fucking bad situation, even better.

    I really wouldn't advocate getting involved at all, but if you just can't help yourself contact her parents (did you ever meet them?) and let them know that you're concerned about 1) cutting, and 2) alcohol abuse.

    Regardless, I'd say you need a damn vacation somewhere relaxing.

    The Crowing One on
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    SammyFSammyF Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Yeah I want to reiterate what many folks here have said. There's roughly 6.7 billion people on this planet, about 52% of them are female, and about 30% of those are between the ages of 18 and 35. Of the 1,040,000,000 dating-age women that leaves in the world, there's bound to be at least one who isn't going to do shit like this to you. It's just the law of large numbers. You're bound to find someone who is going to treat you like you deserve sooner or later, so be patient on that front.

    As far as the question you asked, "how do I get over this," you're going to have to be patient on that front, too. Everyone has some sort of gimick that they swear got them over their last break-up, but the claim that there's a causal relationship between Doing A and Getting Over B is questionable. The thing is when you've been dating someone for a long time, the notion that "I'm dating this person, I am with her, we are together" stops being really a simple idea and starts getting hardwired in. It's like as that factoid becomes incorporated more deeply into your "worldview" (a fancy-pants philosophical and psychological word that encompasses the beliefs and value systems you use to understand the world around you) the neurons responsible for making you think that way just get in the habit of firing, even when it's no longer true anymore. It's like muscle memory for your actual memory.

    So while I'm not going to say that it's necessarily bad advice to follow the mantra of "the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else" or start working out 12 hours a day or whatever, it's not necessarily going to help you because none of that actually helps you alter your worldview. And in fact, if you start doing something like that because you're trying to stop thinking about someone else, it's not actually going to work--you need to get out of the habit of the ex, but in that case you're still using your ex to drive your actions. If I was in your shoes, I'd think this is a perfect time to try writing a book, go sky-diving, start taking Arabic classes again or find a dojo where I can take Kendo lessons again--not because that's going to get me over a bad breakup or get me to stop thinking about the girl, just because that's the sort of shit I think is fun.

    So, in summary:
    DON'T contact her or let her contact you. That's not going to help you readjust to a new worldview.
    DON'T assume that all women are like this, or that you really should invest any time in being angry with her beyond your initial "hurt" phase
    DO find something fun to do with your time and be open to fun ideas or opportunities -- not because it's going to cure what ails you but instead because life's short and you might as well enjoy it while you adjust.

    SammyF on
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    oldsakoldsak Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Pretty good advice so far.

    I'd just like to add that it's totally ok to be pissed off at her.

    In fact the best way to get over it, is to simply be pissed off and hate her for a while until you get it out of your system.

    oldsak on
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    StormCrow420StormCrow420 Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Read most of this thread this morning but got cut off by the net, so if I missed something I apologize.

    Dude, you are so much better off without that manipulative whore you described in your individual post, you have no idea. The damage she probably did to you with her bullshit over the last three years is something you might want to think about speaking with someone professionally about.

    There are woman out there who are beautiful, strong, independant, and who have long outgrown that brand of immature female malice that we have all encountered. Women who will support you, physically and emotionally, and when you leave her house you should have no doubt in your mind on where you stand. There is one out there for you bro, don't spend another second worrying about this dumb little cunt.

    I imagine after a few days of brooding over this you'll be fucking thrilled that she is someone else's problem.

    StormCrow420 on
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    ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Fandy, you can do better, cut off all contact, and follow the rest of the good advice in this thread thus far.

    The self destructive spiral she seems to be in is pitiable, but in breaking up with you and apparently letting herself go wild, she's following a path that at least seems good to her on paper. We can hope that it doesn't lead her to particularly bad places, but as an individual she has a right to choose her path and follow it. As another individual, you can block her number to minimize some of the 3am calling bullshit and if she does get through, hang up and/or unplug the phone. There is no reason for you to tolerate such behaviour, and you don't need to be dragged down by such a negative person.

    Hit the gym, hang with friends, grieve the loss of a lengthy relationship that clearly meant a great deal to you, and just get back to normal.

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
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    AbdhyiusAbdhyius Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Man, what a bitch.

    My advice is, complain about how much of a bitch she is to an attractive member of the opposite sex at a social gathering.

    Everyone can bond over bitchy exes and being heartbroken

    Abdhyius on
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    ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    Man, what a bitch.

    Something we can agree upon!
    Abdhyius wrote: »
    My advice is, complain about how much of a bitch she is to an attractive member of the opposite sex at a social gathering.

    Everyone can bond over bitchy exes and being heartbroken

    So ends that era!

    I'm not sure if this is serious advice or not, but wallowing over exes is rarely an attractive quality. Better to get back to some semblance of normal naturally and then persue things.

    Unless rebounding sounds like fun, then take what you can get, I suppose.*

    *I still don't recommend doing this.

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
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    ShogunShogun Hair long; money long; me and broke wizards we don't get along Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Fandy where do you find these girls

    Shogun on
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    noir_bloodnoir_blood Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Crazies 'r Us?

    And some great advice here, but I gotta admit..part of me feels that you had this coming. I mean, okay, while I'm not a big believer that exes can still be friends(not if you still have feelings anyways), why in blue blazes would you pay for her drinks? That's one of the perks of no longer dating damn it! And more to the point, after the horrible way she treated you, why even answer her phone call? Why take care of her when she was passed out drunk?

    Either stop being a door mat or write "welcome" on your forehead.

    noir_blood on
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    CrossBusterCrossBuster Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    I've been there. My situation wasn't as bad as yours, but I know what it's like to have feelings for a girl who you know to be poison on a rational level.

    I made the mistake of hooking up with her after I realized that she was to be avoided by the fucking plague. For a day afterward, I felt good - I thought that maybe she had changed, and maybe we could give it another shot. Without going into unnecessary detail, suffice to say that she hadn't, and we couldn't. After that realization, I felt worse than ever.

    So, whatever you do, DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH HER AGAIN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. I can just repeat what's been said before: don't indulge her caziness. She's trying to torment you, and if you let her, you're giving her exactly what she wants. On the bright side, the ball is entirely in your court on this one. You can deny her whatever sick satisfaction she's getting out of this by simply ignoring her. That way, she'll have no choice but to wallow in the mess she's made for herself.

    As far as getting over it goes, there's no simple answer. Time helps, but it doesn't heal all wounds, at least not completely. I suggest hanging out with friends, and keeping busy with things you enjoy.

    CrossBuster on
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    JebusUDJebusUD Adventure! Candy IslandRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Yeah, this is a "get the fuck away from her" type situation. She is nothing but delicious looking poison.
    deadly_nightshade_article.jpg

    She is this. Looks tasty eh?

    Deadly nightshade.

    Run. Forget about it.

    JebusUD on
    and I wonder about my neighbors even though I don't have them
    but they're listening to every word I say
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    MrMonroeMrMonroe passed out on the floor nowRegistered User regular
    edited August 2009
    never have anything to do with this person ever again

    you'll be feeling better in due time, you just have to wait for it and process it all

    for the love of god, don't turn to the drink like I did

    MrMonroe on
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    DocDoc Registered User, ClubPA regular
    edited August 2009
    Fandyien wrote: »
    I don't care if she's cutting herself. Fuck her, I hope she dies.

    Tell her that next time she calls you.

    Doc on
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    HachfaceHachface Not the Minister Farrakhan you're thinking of Dammit, Shepard!Registered User regular
    edited August 2009
    Take solace in the fact that she is a miserable person, and makes herself far more unhappy than she could ever make you.

    Hachface on
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