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Ex Girlfriend situation- were my actions appropriate?
Lucid
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, small backstory; dated a girl last year, short intense relationship ending in her cheating and leaving me. It was a blessing really, as a couple of months later I met the lovely lady I've been with for almost a year now.
I'm not someone that holds grudges, and I pretty much let go of any resentment I had for her. I didn't hear from her until a couple of months ago, when she emailed me on facebook apologizing profusely, saying she was wrong, I'm so much better of a person than the guy she left me for, etc. Now, even though I've forgiven her, I still have not much trust for her. However, being friendly I said if she ever wanted to meet up and talk casually or something, to let me know. She was teaching english overseas so it was a little while before she was back. She spoke of buying me a souvenir and meeting up, and generally would compliment me in her emails.
Then, when she was back I told her of a mutual friends book launch, and she said she guessed she'd see me there. I went, and didn't see her at all, I emailed her and asked if she ended up attending. She didn't respond for a few days, and this was actually usual during our correspondence while she was overseas as well. She eventually replied saying she was there but was too shy to come up to me. I thought this was a little silly. I tried querying as to why, but she just said we should just leave it this way. By now(well throughout this all really), I just thought this was almost a waste of my time. I told her as politely as I could that if she wanted to approach me in some kind of friendly manner and meet up, that's up to her, but I'm not going to sit around trying to figure out why she acts whatever way. I don't have the patience for games, and it's not like I was really enthused about being her friend anyways. She seemed upset and thought I of all people should understand why she was shy. So I extricated her from facebook, and really don't have any intentions or desire to pursue any further relationship with her.
Were my actions just? Or was I too harsh?
I feel pretty confident about this, but I'd like to know other people's opinions.
I'm not someone that holds grudges, and I pretty much let go of any resentment I had for her. I didn't hear from her until a couple of months ago, when she emailed me on facebook apologizing profusely, saying she was wrong, I'm so much better of a person than the guy she left me for, etc. Now, even though I've forgiven her, I still have not much trust for her. However, being friendly I said if she ever wanted to meet up and talk casually or something, to let me know. She was teaching english overseas so it was a little while before she was back. She spoke of buying me a souvenir and meeting up, and generally would compliment me in her emails.
Then, when she was back I told her of a mutual friends book launch, and she said she guessed she'd see me there. I went, and didn't see her at all, I emailed her and asked if she ended up attending. She didn't respond for a few days, and this was actually usual during our correspondence while she was overseas as well. She eventually replied saying she was there but was too shy to come up to me. I thought this was a little silly. I tried querying as to why, but she just said we should just leave it this way. By now(well throughout this all really), I just thought this was almost a waste of my time. I told her as politely as I could that if she wanted to approach me in some kind of friendly manner and meet up, that's up to her, but I'm not going to sit around trying to figure out why she acts whatever way. I don't have the patience for games, and it's not like I was really enthused about being her friend anyways. She seemed upset and thought I of all people should understand why she was shy. So I extricated her from facebook, and really don't have any intentions or desire to pursue any further relationship with her.
Were my actions just? Or was I too harsh?
I feel pretty confident about this, but I'd like to know other people's opinions.
Lucid on
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You have a girlfriend though, and becoming "friends" with your ex is a sticky situation. It's probably best to stay away now anyhow, since it's quite obvious she wants more than just a friendship:
- Compliments
- Regrets about how the relationship ended
- Saying she's "shy" to talk to you
- Buying you a gift
It's ok to not be in contact with someone, there's billions of people around, no need to be nice and social to all of them.
If you were going to your friend's book launch anyways why did you care if she showed up?
Pretty much this.
I agree with this. If she were really just trying to be friends then maybe you could do that, but it seems pretty obvious that she was testing the waters to see if she had any chance of getting back together with you. Building a friendship with someone like that will probably piss off your current girlfriend at some point. Was your girlfriend at the book launch with you? Because that would explain a lot about why the other girl suddenly backed off.
And you should, you did the right thing.
I have a similar problem with an ex who is kind of shy and akward. We were friends before we hooked up and college, then after college we didn't see eachother for years but kept in touch through emails & stuff, occasionally would exchange bday gifts.
Then when I moved to New York I wanted to re-establish the friendship, nothing more, but I knew it would be tough to get her out of the house, 'cause of her insecurities. So we talked on the phone a few times and I brought up meeting for a drink or something a couple of times and got the response I expected.
It sucked, 'cause I miss my friend and I definately think if I could get past her walls we'd be cool again, but I realized that I did as much I could, ball was in her court.
Same thing happened a few years ago with a different ex who I was trying to reestablish ties with, and even though she definately wanted to see me and spend time with me, I got the same silly lack of call backs from her, she only wanted to communicate through email, very akward. So I said w/e and moved on.
Ultimately I think the lesson her is regardless of how many good memories you have about a person and a place in time, when you shut a door it's going to stay shut. I don't know maybe it's better that way.
To the OP- Sounds like you communicated your needs to this girl, if she can't accept that she needs to be a little more responsive and proactive if she wants back in your circle then there isn't much more that you can do. Anyway, you have a GF, don't want to fuck that up for some shadow of the past.
Instead, you're just not being as open to a clearly flirting ex-girlfriend you have no interest in. Go figure.
Uh... I don't even know how to give advice on something so obvious. No, you don't have a commitment to befriending your ex-girlfriend. Especially if she is being awkward about it. Especially if she's flirting on you and you're not interested. Especially if you already have a girlfriend. Especially if the ex-girlfriend cheated on you.
It probably was erroneous judgement to even bother seeing if she wanted to meet up though. Thanks everyone for your opinions.
this says it all really. she sounds pretty crazy anyways.
also, after dating someone, then trying to become friends again, it can be hard to let those old thoughts/feelings go. friendship with an ex will almost never be the same as friendship with anyone else.
I honestly probably wouldn't have even responded to her. but the way I see it, if you're happy now, let her live with her choices, the rest of us get to every day.