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Wife wants kids, but I don't yet
HA_Alt_287
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First, let me give you the background. My wife and I have been married for a little over a year. I turn 29 next month, and she turns 41 in a couple of months.
Before we were married, we both said we probably didn't want kids but would talk again if one of us changed their minds. Well suddenly my wife really wants to have a kid before she gets any older. However, I don't feel ready for that kind of responsibility and change in lifestyle right now.
I suggested waiting a few years down the line and look into adopting, which is something she had seemed ok with in the past, but she says an adopted child wouldn't really "be ours". I even suggested the possibility of freezing an embryo and having a surrogate deliver it later, but she did not like that idea.
So what can I do, H/A? She spent most of the day yesterday crying, but this isn't something I want to be pressured into doing.
Before we were married, we both said we probably didn't want kids but would talk again if one of us changed their minds. Well suddenly my wife really wants to have a kid before she gets any older. However, I don't feel ready for that kind of responsibility and change in lifestyle right now.
I suggested waiting a few years down the line and look into adopting, which is something she had seemed ok with in the past, but she says an adopted child wouldn't really "be ours". I even suggested the possibility of freezing an embryo and having a surrogate deliver it later, but she did not like that idea.
So what can I do, H/A? She spent most of the day yesterday crying, but this isn't something I want to be pressured into doing.
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My wife and I were desperate for a child at 33. I had wanted children for years. Fatherhood is sooooooo much harder than anyone could ever tell you. Yes it's rewarding too, but it can be very, very difficult. It has put a strain on our relationship but as we both really wanted a child we have the common goal to pull through the hard times.
I could see how if you had a child to 'please' someone else - you'd be having some very dark thoughts in the bad times, possibly even throwing it back in your partners face.
This is the million dollar question: Do you ever want to raise a child?
If no; well, there aren't any options that will make anyone happy. Divorce, you help raise a kid you don't want, or she never gets to be a mother.
If yes; well... it takes a strange type of person to not love their child and the things that it brings, but its a ridiculous change to anyones life that is quite impossible to gauge until it happens. Having had a child in a difficult situation and despite the difficulties being phenomenally happy in my life, I'm inclined to say "hey, it can work, its great no matter how hard it is".
On the other hand, time is rapidly running out for her to ever have a kid
Look, this is obviously a tough situation, but give this a lot of thought before you say no (as if you weren't!)
That being said, if your wife is 41, she's probably aware that she's on the tail end of the time where she can be pregnant without an increased chance of complications/health issues for the child. If she has decided that she must do this with her life, then you're both at something of an impasse. Sit down and really talk about it, because if things stay the way they are, I can't really see the two of you staying together.
It bears repeating: do not, under any circumstances, have a child in your life if you are not 100% positive that this is what you want. Yes, you'll hear stories from people that "hey, we didn't know we were pregnant and didn't necessarily want a child at that time but now we have one and I can't imagine life any other way", and that's sweet and all, but the reality is that such a situation very often ends up badly for both the couple and the child. Be strong and talk with each other, and determine what is best for each of you. Good luck.
Practically, if you are going to have kids, now would be the time to do it, as she is getting closer to the time it starts to become dangerous/impossible for her. Is she just afraid she'll miss her chance, or is she really wanting a family now?
Obviously it has to be something you both want, so are you just not ready now, or do you yourself being happy with no kids ever? Keep in mind it could take once, or years, or never. So you two need to talk about eachother's concerns, and see if there's a way to resolve them.
As Improvolone said, unless you're completely against kids (which is Ok), you'll probably love them, but it is a lot of work, and adds stress to any couple.
I couldn't agree more with this especially the limed part.
This is setting your relationship up to fail at a later date. See if you can't sell the embryo freezing idea to her. It's also worth considering that she may really want to carry a child and it's certainly true that she is running out of time to do so. Mind you this is something she should have told you earlier. I get the impression this may have been what she wanted all along but told you what you wanted to hear about not having kids.
On the other hand, you got married under the presumption that you would not be having kids, and now she's pulling somewhat of a bait-and-switch. Don't go into this if it's not something you truly want because it's just going to end badly for everyone involved.
I'd have to ask how long you two have been married now, and why something (to you) like adoption would be more favorable then having your own child. Plus - getting married and not wanting kids just seems like such an odd notion - why even marry her if you weren't planning on raising kids eventually? Without all that known and just going from what you've said...
...I'd have to say you're being very immature. Improv is quite right about menopause and the other things he mentions, and at 40 now, I'm sure her biological clock isn't ticking that quickly now. Her chances are shoring up soon and you don't want to have a child simply because you don't want to change your lifestyle? I know several people that are younger then you with multiple kids already, and yes, there is added responsibilities for rearing kids, but there's nothing that says you have to give up your current lifestyle completely either. Not to mention the fact that they absolutely love raising their kids too.
There's a lot to be afraid about because it's a big step, but from what I've seen, its rewards are huge.
Having said that, having our children was the best decision we ever made, but we both decided on it. I would have had more than the 2 we have (I had 2 miscarriages as well), but Lewie's dad didn't want any more, and you can't have half a baby, so we stopped with the 2 children. I found that hard, but I trust Lewie's dad, he makes very logical decisions - I'm much more emotional in my decision making process - we talked it through (why I wanted more children, why he didn't) and then he made the decision for us. That works for us, cos I trust him implicitly to decide what's best for us as a family. We decided to foster part-time, and have looked after 13 children in the last 12 years. That's been something we couldn't have done if we'd had more children.
No-one can tell you what to do, cos we're not you. Keep talking to each other, keep open with each other.
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Red for disagree.
Immature was that crazy 14 yr old whore with the 11 yr old insta-dad. Immature is the newborn that was left in a garbage can this weekend in Chicago. The OP is recognizing their life would have to change, and not sure if they're ready for it.
I know many parents younger too who should never have had kids, and older parents who should never have had kids. Depends on the couple.
I just wanted to butt in here and say that that's a really cool story. My grandparents took in families to raise like you guys after having five kids of their own and it was really neat to hear that someone did the same.
God forbid the man should want to exercise his right to autonomy, he should only exist to spawn [strike]moar overlords[/strike] a child. :?
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Having a kid at 21 kind of forced me to grow up real fucking fast. You don't get much more inexperienced at being an adult as a young dumb college kid. While I'm not arguing that "I don't want kids" isn't a valid position that some people have, there is a great deal about ones self and what one wants that, at least for me, was pretty impossible to understand until I was presented with what was going to happen.
This is why the question of does the OP ever want children become so important. I hope he does, otherwise those counter offers he made to his wife were very manipulative. By continuing this train of thought, he wants kids in the future, but the future makes it more difficult and dangerous for his wife to have a child (this would be a very different conversation if they were both 30)... what is it he is afraid he will lose by having a child now? Its going to really help to expand on the "I don't want to have a child right now" position.
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I'm not saying the man shouldn't have his choice as well, and I realize that my opinions are siding heavily with his wife in this matter. But given his situation, it feels like it's a now or never with his wife, and if he wants kids of his own later, that option might be gone by the time he's actually ready.
Also, keep in mind that even if you decide to have a child it could be very difficult to put a baby in her. Like gigEsmalls says, you and her are gonna need to see an OBGYN and maybe even a fertility specialist.
Being forced into parenthood due to an unexpected pregnancy will absolutely have an affect on your maturity (how positive or negative largley depends on the circumstances of the pregnancy and the relationship itself), but being coerced into it because one party changed their mind rarely ends well, at least in my experience. There's nothing wrong with being at a different point in your life than your partner, and given that the OP and his wife are twelve years apart, something like this is to be expected.
I love my daughter more than life itself, but I'm also happy that my wife and I waited until we'd both experienced life as a married couple for several years prior to having her. It gave us an unbelievable amount of perspective to the relationship (and to parenthood) as we were already accustomed to each other. It made parenthood easier because we were both already well-versed in each others' beliefs and ideals in regards to child rearing, so there were no surprises to be had. We were both as ready as we were going to be.
Point being, if you have the option of deciding when and if you want to be a parent, while you will never truly be "ready" in terms of understanding what is ahead of you, you should at least be 100% sure that that is the direction you want to go with your life.
I don't see that anything has changed.
You agreed at the beginning of the marriage that you didn't want kids, but you would revisit it if there's a change in one of your opinions.
You're revisiting it. Your answer is still "no". These are the things that have a large possibility of breaking up marriages.
Either one of two things is happening:
1) She didn't want kids then, but does now.
2) She wanted kids then, but wanted to marry you more.
I'm not going to even talk about the second option.
Stand firm. Don't bring a life into this world unless you're gung-ho about it. If I were to have a theoretical child in the next couple of years I would be absolutely resentful of both my wife and the child, which would destroy the joy and cause detriment to the child's development.
Talk it over, but don't throw away your autonomy over pleasing her. Ensure she thinks this over with your full knowledge and input for at least a good (but not too long) period of time. Just talk, talk, talk.
Can I double red something? Because man that's horrible, horrible advice and attitude. Yes, yes. Kids can be rewarding, blah, blah. But some people do not want kids. I say that if the OP can recognized that, and expressed this before marrying the woman, the he's actually very mature.
Let's make this absolutely clear: Some of us aren't itching to have children, and this is a perfectly reasonable position to take.
That is a huge difference from not wanting kids at all, so advice based off of that statement is largely irrelevant.
And it's going to take forever to conceive or adopt anyway, so the sooner you start the better.
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But if that is actually the position of the OP he needs to tell his wife.
Stringing her along with promised of adoption and freezing an embryo is manipulative bullshit if he doesn't ever want kids and will destroy the relationship just as surely as them having a kid he hates and resents.
Also if you are going to freeze and embryo why bother with a surrogate? Does your wife have known uterine anomalies? I strongly suggest you and your wife go to an Ob-Gyn right now. There are tests that can be done to estimate the time she has left to bear children naturally. If it turns out that she is still 5 years away from menopause that will give you guys a lot more room to stop and think. If she is already infertile that will also change your discussion. And if time is of the essence it won't change the discussion you are having b/c she seems to already be assuming that time is of the essence (rightly).
The problem is that I don't know if I'll want kids in the future. I don't now, but I know a lot of people change their minds about that later.
I have no problem with adoption; my dad was adopted, and I think it's a good thing. However, that is not an option apparently.
We're talking, but this just kind of came out of nowhere last week, and now I have to make a big decision.
I feel like I'm just starting to get into a fairly stable path in my life, and I'd like to try that out for a while before making any big alterations.
This is what I was about to post. If when you said that you just wanted to wait a few years to maybe adopt, and it was serious, and not just putting off something you did not want to do, then you should start now. If you are actually open to the idea of wanting a child then you should start trying now. You will prefer your own biological flesh and blood child to an adopted one. It is also in the best health interest of the mother and potential future child to get the ball rolling as soon as possible. If, however, you DO NOT want kids under any circumstances then you need to talk to your wife. Don't give her other options that revolve around getting a kid sometime down the line if you truly do not want a child.
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I just want to chime in and say, "It is perfectly alright to never want children." It's also perfectly alright to say, "From where I sit, I never want children. I reserve the right to change my mind later, but right now I don't think I want children now or later." Now, this is going to be a challenge to your relationship, but I echo other people: I think it would be wrong to create a person because you think you have to for the sake of your relationship. Hopefully you guys can work it out by talking and both end up happy. It's going to be a challenge though.
I'm inclined to think that if you don't know if you want kids, then you aren't against having kids.
So lets talk about this, and by way of doing that get you to think more and to bring up things to talk to your wife and family about.
You don't want to unstabalize your life, right? Thats the only real concern here? What about your life is stable, what do you think will be un-done by having a child? What won't you be able to do with a child, what will you be able to do without one?
If anyone is being immature, it's her, with the whole "but if we adopt, it won't really be ours" line. Frankly, at her age, I think it's immature and irresponsible of her to have a child in spite of the increased risk of birth defects, rather than adopting. But hey, I'm not really going to judge that harshly; I may not get why she wants a kid, but it's her life, not mine, so it's really not my place to judge. Much like it's not your place to judge why someone might be able to enjoy life without having to live it vicariously specifically through a biological child.
And like Kistra says, talking to an OB-GYN now about what sort of shape your wife's reproductive system is in is a really, really good idea.
We're now in our 2nd year of parenting. My child is the best you could hope for, but still... life is shit. Domestic, nested bullshit. No sex. No social life. Everything is harder. Many things are impossible. If you want to do ANYTHING appart from being a parent then DON'T DO IT, otherwise go right ahead.
Day after day, I'm miserable. A witness to one sacrificed dream after another. Though uncomfortable and perhaps distasteful, you might be surprised at just how widespread my feelings are. Apparently in 1975, Ann Landers famously asked readers: “If you had it to do over again, would you have children?†Seventy per cent of respondents said “no.†(McCleans, "The case against having kids", http://www2.macleans.ca/2009/07/24/no-kids-no-grief/3/ ).
We've been married 10 years, and now real issues and problems are starting to show (issues from before the child have gotten worse). But now I'm stuck. My morality won't let me leave. I can't bring myself to ruin 2 people's lives (wife/child). So I suffer through it. Day after exhausting, boring, empty day. I made a stupid decision, and now I must live with it.
Yes, once you have a kid you will never not be a parent... you're saying you can't do anything outside of being a parent? No social life? Nothing for you? You are unhappy? The first couple years its hard to do much for yourself unless you have a spectacular family support system of babysitters and care givers. But once they are a little older? What? I know I know, your kid is only 2. Hell, mine is 20 months and my life has become significantly easier to have my own life than a year ago.
I'd wager that you're to blame in a few others places other than "well, he shouldn't have had kids!" Children are people too. They have their own lives. Your life does not need to become all about theirs.
It sounds like there is a lot more going on for you than just having a kid and frankly, even though I don't know you, it's worrying. You aren't stuck, there are a number of things you can do. Your thinking is the only thing that makes you stuck. If you are unhappy you should be taking steps to fix it and not let it consume and destroy you. Divorces, if it is the answer here, are not life ending, nor to they sever the relationship with the child. Don't want to have the relationship? Then bail out, it's probably best for the child to not have a parent with that attitude raising her. These are just extreme options and obviously not the only ones.
Having a child is not a death sentence.
Kids are round-the-clock need machines and as someone who planned for and was as 'ready as I'll ever be' for my child, I recognize that my needs are largely secondary to my daughter's. Want to go out to a movie? Better have a sitter. Wait, is it a sitter you can trust? No? No movie for you, then. Want to go out to a restaurant? How old is your child? If he/she is old enough (or young enough) to sit quitely, great. If not, see above.
And that's just the day-to-day things. That's to say nothing of having to schedule errands and such around nap times, feedings, diaper changes and all. And vacations? What about that trip to Greece that you'd always wanted to take. Now it's not just "can I find someone to care for my child for that long" but it's also "can I bear to be away from him/her for that long".
It really is a life-changing experience. Now sure, you'll have those instances where the grandparents want to spend tons of time with the kid and are willing to take them for extended periods but even then they get tired of it. They're done with having kids; they don't want to have to raise yours part-time.
So I'll echo Anonymousey's thought above that, if you have any grandiose plans for your future or dreams (especially if you're going to school), you'd best either get them out of the way before you have kids or be prepared to put them off for about a decade or so.