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Mother- in- law to be doesn't like me?
Ande
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
As the title says, I don't think my fiance's mother likes me very much, and I'm not sure how to respond to that. I've only met the woman a few times, and I can't help but feel that I did something to insult her or something wrong somewhere along the way... but I can't figure out what.
My fiance's parents got divorced when he was a little kid: his dad and my dad were friends since they were in highschool, so I grew up knowing Ryan (my fiance), his dad, and his stepmom. They have been like my other parents my whole life, even before Ryan and I got together. His stepmom is one of the most wonderful people I know. His parents did not part on good terms, and 18 years later there is still a lot of animosity between them. I only met his mom after we started dating a few years ago...
The first time I met Donna (Ryan's mom), it was the typical 'hey mom, meet my new girlfriend! / meet the boy's parents' type deal. Apart from her saying hi and nice to meet me when we got there, I was pretty much ignored by Donna the entire meal. Ryan would try to draw me into the conversation, but Donna would ignore my replies. Later when Ryan asked why I seemed upset, I told him I'd felt ignored by his mother (not him) the entire two hours. He said he'd talk to his mom and ask her to be more open to me next time.
The next few times we met, I got a 'hi, how are you, what have you been up to?' before the conversation turned back to rallying (something that both Ryan's parents and Ryan are involved in, though they won't talk to each other at rallies, and won't work together). When Ryan and I started dating, I couldn't really contribute any to this topic of conversation, but since then I've gone to some rallies and rallycrosses, met more of Ryan's friends from that circle, and now I can at least have a conversation about rallying without seming like a complete noob. Not only have I involved myself in Ryan's passion because... well, it's his passion and I'd like to be able to talk to him about it, but I figure I could also talk to his mom about it. Except at events she still ignores me, even when she's busy and I offer to help out however I can.
Ok, fine, so I figure maybe Donna's just not that talkative a person. But then Ryan and I got engaged, and when we went to dinner at his mom's to celebrate, her attitude really pissed me off. When we got there, she was taking a bag of garbage to the curb, she said hi to Ryan, and walked right past me. She never said congratulations, never asked to see the ring, never asked if we'd started thinking about dates or anything. Donna's boyfriend Mike said congrats and had a short conversation with me before going back to the basement (apparently he and Donna were fighting), but Donna said jack all to me all night. And since when is eating burgers in front of the TV a celebratory dinner for her youngest son getting engaged? Again, the entire night was spent talking about the rally the next day, and even though I was going and helping out, my responses were again basically ignored. Needless to say, I was pissed when we left. Ryan asked why, and I told him I got the feeling she didn't like me/ didn't approve of me/ something.
I don't know if I ever did something to upset her, or if she's just like that to me because I get along with her Ex, or soemthing else. But I'm going to marry her son, she's not exactly going to go away if i ignore her... so how do I deal with this?
Also, I'm kinda worried about how his parents will act at the wedding since they get along so poorly... but that's a ways down the road yet.
Tl:dr -> My fiance’s mother has basically ignored me every time we get together, and I can’t think of anything I did to cause this. How do I handle this?
My fiance's parents got divorced when he was a little kid: his dad and my dad were friends since they were in highschool, so I grew up knowing Ryan (my fiance), his dad, and his stepmom. They have been like my other parents my whole life, even before Ryan and I got together. His stepmom is one of the most wonderful people I know. His parents did not part on good terms, and 18 years later there is still a lot of animosity between them. I only met his mom after we started dating a few years ago...
The first time I met Donna (Ryan's mom), it was the typical 'hey mom, meet my new girlfriend! / meet the boy's parents' type deal. Apart from her saying hi and nice to meet me when we got there, I was pretty much ignored by Donna the entire meal. Ryan would try to draw me into the conversation, but Donna would ignore my replies. Later when Ryan asked why I seemed upset, I told him I'd felt ignored by his mother (not him) the entire two hours. He said he'd talk to his mom and ask her to be more open to me next time.
The next few times we met, I got a 'hi, how are you, what have you been up to?' before the conversation turned back to rallying (something that both Ryan's parents and Ryan are involved in, though they won't talk to each other at rallies, and won't work together). When Ryan and I started dating, I couldn't really contribute any to this topic of conversation, but since then I've gone to some rallies and rallycrosses, met more of Ryan's friends from that circle, and now I can at least have a conversation about rallying without seming like a complete noob. Not only have I involved myself in Ryan's passion because... well, it's his passion and I'd like to be able to talk to him about it, but I figure I could also talk to his mom about it. Except at events she still ignores me, even when she's busy and I offer to help out however I can.
Ok, fine, so I figure maybe Donna's just not that talkative a person. But then Ryan and I got engaged, and when we went to dinner at his mom's to celebrate, her attitude really pissed me off. When we got there, she was taking a bag of garbage to the curb, she said hi to Ryan, and walked right past me. She never said congratulations, never asked to see the ring, never asked if we'd started thinking about dates or anything. Donna's boyfriend Mike said congrats and had a short conversation with me before going back to the basement (apparently he and Donna were fighting), but Donna said jack all to me all night. And since when is eating burgers in front of the TV a celebratory dinner for her youngest son getting engaged? Again, the entire night was spent talking about the rally the next day, and even though I was going and helping out, my responses were again basically ignored. Needless to say, I was pissed when we left. Ryan asked why, and I told him I got the feeling she didn't like me/ didn't approve of me/ something.
I don't know if I ever did something to upset her, or if she's just like that to me because I get along with her Ex, or soemthing else. But I'm going to marry her son, she's not exactly going to go away if i ignore her... so how do I deal with this?
Also, I'm kinda worried about how his parents will act at the wedding since they get along so poorly... but that's a ways down the road yet.
Tl:dr -> My fiance’s mother has basically ignored me every time we get together, and I can’t think of anything I did to cause this. How do I handle this?
Ande on
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If this happened to me (and it has), I wouldn't go out of the way to be nice to her or start up conversations with her just because she is your fiance's mom. Treat her like any other semi-acquaintance who you see occasionally. Exchange pleasentries, make some small talk, but other than that I wouldn't give her an extra thought in your mind.
This will either cause her to give up if she sees that it doesn't bother you/him/them (if that's her goal), or she'll just continue about her business. It's unfortunate that she is going to be a part of your extended family, but you should also remember that you can't get along with everyone you meet in life.
You're a symbol of the ex-husband being the daughter of an old friend of his, which she sounds like he has some animosity towards.
Donna would know your father/mother and have negative feelins about them.
She thinks you aren't good enough for her son a la the movie 'Monster in Law'.
Just know that she doesn't have to like you, as long you Ryan love each other thats all that matters.
In the beginning, there was a large degree of underlying tension because they were none too pleased by the fact that my wife (then girlfriend) and I had only been dating a few months before we decided to move in together. The tension got so bad that I stopped going to their house and they'd just badmouth me to her the entire time (as I did them, to be honest). One day after my wife leaves their house in tears, her mother decides to call me and hash things out and I basically tell her that I was tired of being shit on when I've been nothing but nice to them. We came to an understanding there and things have been much calmer ever since, though I still (as I mentioned above) get an unfriendly vibe from them now and again.
There's not a lot you can do, honestly. If that person (and really, ANY person) doesn't dig you and you haven't done anything to them to incite their anger, then that's really their problem and not yours. Be the best partner for your loved one that you can be, but really their parents are their own problem. Just be friendly and cordial when you're around them and your bases at least are covered.
This.
Based on the OP, there is a lot of baggage and history here, besides you and your husband-to-be and his mother, moreso than the typical mother-in-law relationship. Just stay cool and don't make an issue out of it, and you'll be fine. Out of curiosity, is his mother someone you/hubby spend a lot of time with, or do you see her on special occasions?
Caramel - I didn't ask Ryan to talk to her the first time, he did that on his own. Though I did appreciate it, it didn't seem to have any long term effect. After she ignored me at dinner the other night, I again said I didn't feel that she liked me, but told him not to bother saying anything again because it wouldn't be worth it. He was frustrated with her for ignoring me, as well as a few other reasons (she started smoking again, and is an alcoholic).
They're in laws. Regardless of what anyone tells you, you're marrying your partner, not their family. Just be pleasant with them even if they don't necessarily reciprocate.
As for reasoning on her part, it could range from not liking some certain aspect of you (I don't think you're good enough for him). To hating weddings in general given her experience. To jealousy that someone is taking her son away (very possible given the rate that they stay in contact, I live less than a mile from my mother and haven't seen or talked to her in months). This is very common and shouldn't concern you in the least.
Express your distaste for how she treats and ignores you to your fiance. But try and prevent him from cornering his mother about it (she'll probably just resent you more) continue being pleasant and friendly and eventually she'll have to reciprocate or she'll be the ass and it'll be plain for everyone to see. If it doesn't change odds are he'll simply give up on appeasing his mother and tell her she can accept it or accept not seeing him anymore.
I'm going to go ahead and disagree with the prevailing "let sleeping dogs lie" logic, and say that I think that you, personally, should talk to her. If it's possible to do in person, I would do that, but otherwise do it over the phone, without your fiancé around. You should tell him what you're going to do ahead of time, though, to make it less likely to bite you in the ass.
You should have a conversation with her where you present your concerns using "I" language (i.e. never use the word "you," if you can avoid it). Things like "I feel a lot of hostility when I'm here, and I'd like to know why," or "I feel like I'm not welcome in the family," or "I feel like I'm being subjected to the behavior of a passive-aggressive asshole whenever I'm anywhere around you," (okay, not that last one; see, it includes the word "you"), etc.
Is it guaranteed to make things better? No. Could it make things worse? Absolutely. However, if you just let this whole passive-aggressive bullshit thing lie, I think it's probably going to drive you crazy, and eventually it could start poisoning your relationship with your fiancé. Regardless of whether you decide to sit on it until after the wedding, I would say it's something you should definitely do after you're married, within the first few months. I mean, at least if you have a big blowup, you know where you stand.
Also, if you do end up feuding with your mother-in-law, you really, really shouldn't expect your fiancé/husband to be taking your side. Like I said, from the sounds of it, he's got a total blind spot, and he's been cultivating that for his entire life, whereas he's only known you for a few years. Expect to just not talk to him about his mother, because it will only bring pain and misery.
Number one, state that you feel she ignores you or perhaps even flat out dislikes you to your fiance. This alerts him of the problem.
Number two, whenever she ignores you be sure to assert yourself to gain attention. Something like "Hi mother, you look lovely this evening." (if you don't feel comfortable calling your in law mom change the wording a bit) This ensures you look like a good guy and if she ignores you it'll be obvious. Try your best not to be sarcastic.
Number three, put on the most pleasant exterior towards her you can. Further makes you look good.
If she doesn't respond in kind the problem is confirmed. If she explodes or gets mad the problem is confirmed and she looks like an ass. If she responds to you in kind you get what you wanted in the first place.
IMO talking about the problem to her is almost a certain way to start a fight between you two. It's very doubtful either will keep their tempers even and if she says stuff that you feel is unforgivable and you end up exploding she looks like the victim. Not only that but if she manages to keep her temper totally even and simply assures you you're wrong you look paranoid which is bad too. To me she seems like the typical no one is good enough for my baby mother who will try and drive you away by being cold to you. Also it's not improbable that if you assert yourself she'll attack you flat out eventually.
It sounds like she did this, her fiancé hadn't noticed, spoke up for her, and then after being alerted to it, still didn't notice it. What does that tell you?
This really comes off more as "awkward and creepy" than "nice."
This is really just taking the passive-aggression to another level.
And I think I was pretty frank about the risks of talking to her about it. However, that being said, really, just bringing more passive-aggressive behavior into the whole thing is pretty much guaranteed not to improve things. In fact, in the long run, it will probably make things far, far worse when either the OP or her mother-in-law has a total blowup at the other, with years of built-up hate. Better to get it out of the way now, I think.
That being said, we're only getting maybe a third of the story, here, and her fiancé and mother-in-law may have completely different perspectives. It's possible the OP is just picking up on things that aren't there, or overreacting. In which case my strategy of confrontation would be ideal, because it puts all of her worries on the table without making her sound crazy.
I guess it could be partly that I'm 'taking away her baby,' or that I have a close relationship with her ex that makes her automatically hostile to me. I told myself before I met her not to expect her to be like his stepmom (who is wonderful), but maybe I was still too much.
Unless I go out of my way to see her for exactly the purpose of talking to her about this (and she lives over an hour away....) the only other time I'll see her is at the next rally, when she'll be crazy busy... not ideal for this conversation. I could phone her... but see, I lack the guts lol. I don't want to be treated poorly without knowing why, but I'm too chicken to call. I fail =P
elfdude - I don't know if Ryan would take my side or not if the shit hit the fan - and I'd rather not find out. I'll have to work up the guts to talk to her on my own and not involve him. I only mentioned it to him in the first place because he knew I was upset and wouldn't take 'it's nothing' for an answer.
Also, what I meant about the wedding was more a worry of her drinking too much and saying something to Ryan's dad and causing a scene. I know the planning is mostly going to be me and my maid of honour... and maybe Ryan =P
I guess for now I'll just continue being as nice as I can, and try to worm my way into the conversation more often. If it feels like she's really obviously ignoring me I'll say something to her. (Using "I" instead of "you" is a good idea, thanks Thanatos)
And the son lives with his fiance, sleeps with her, spends far more time with her. I think you overestimate the attachment a child has for their parents once they become adults, it's much more common for a male child to ignore their parents or have scant interactions once they move out than to keep a good relation up. While he has kept a good relation up with his mom this seems to be more about a common interest than a mama's boy. I do think it's presumptuous to assume he'll take his fiance's side but it's not difficult to find out. She'll have to play it by ear but I know for a fact that most boys abandon their parental interactions once they move out.
It doesn't sound like he still doesn't notice it I'm of the opinion he simply doesn't feel it's that big of an issue. It's typical with most people to let an issue drop if talking it out hasn't fixed it. I'm sure that he feels his fiance is simply of the same opinion that he is or his finance (as timid as she sounds) hasn't really made it known that it's a real issue at all.
Hence why I included it needed to be sincere. Modified for different social circles etc. I know that in my family it's perfectly acceptable for in laws to call their parents by mom/dad and schmoozing is always helpful if not necessarily with that exact wording. Why it sounds creepy to you I don't know, I frequently compliment my in-laws in similar manners but then again I'm very good at seeming sincere and confident. I agree though that if you do it wrong you might come off that way.
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How so? You state this stuff as though it suddenly makes the premise wrong. This is very basic psychology and human relations. Schmoozing 101 if you will. Men are often very blind to passive aggressiveness (mostly because men aren't passive aggressive often) changing it to flat out aggression will ensure her fiance sees it. If ande goes out of her way to appease his mother it's very doubtful he won't notice and very doubtful he won't notice how his mother is cold about it. You're playing on his natural love of his mother and his girlfriend, he likes to see the two of them get along, if he sees one making an effort and the other one not it will strike him as odd.
My method she wins no matter where the relationship goes unless her fiance is particularly dense and even then she's still at the same point she was and at the very least is schmoozing his mother. In your situation she's basically demanding something that the mother thinks she doesn't deserve for whatever reason. Also like I said if there's nothing there and ande confronts her about it ande simply looks paranoid and whiny or oversensitive which is not a good thing. It's rather possible the mother is simply more 'boyish' than ande realizes and is simply incapable of picking up on her emotions or applying the same connotations to the same things ande does.
I would suggest he simply doesn't realize the extent of the problem properly.
This is the ideal situation. Assert, and schmooze. If that doesn't work after giving it a honest hard effort then confront her about it but be sure other people understand the extent of the problem and can see it first.
Satans..... hints.....