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Major potentionally-life-crushing problem [UPDATE 5]
Reservoir Angel
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Oh my god what am I going to do?...That was a bit vague. I'll fill you in.
I've been with my girlfriend for 3 and a half years now. And in all that time I've never thought of anyone else. Like, never. She'd been my whole world and I love her to pieces.
But now someone's decided to throw a proverbial spanner into the works. A spanner in the form of a guy. See the problem yet? Well I was introduced to this guy through a friend a few weeks back. He's...well he's just gorgeous. I've never thought of another guy in that way before, and never thought about the possibility of being gay.
But ever since I met him I can't get him out of my head! He's just amazing. At first my thinking about him wasn't a problem, until it spilled over. Now I'm dreaming about him. And imagining him while I'm having sex with my girlfriend.
It doesn't help that this dude is openly bisexual and very, very flirty.
Needless to say this is one big-ass problem. I need some advice. How do I stop thinking about this dude?
I've been with my girlfriend for 3 and a half years now. And in all that time I've never thought of anyone else. Like, never. She'd been my whole world and I love her to pieces.
But now someone's decided to throw a proverbial spanner into the works. A spanner in the form of a guy. See the problem yet? Well I was introduced to this guy through a friend a few weeks back. He's...well he's just gorgeous. I've never thought of another guy in that way before, and never thought about the possibility of being gay.
But ever since I met him I can't get him out of my head! He's just amazing. At first my thinking about him wasn't a problem, until it spilled over. Now I'm dreaming about him. And imagining him while I'm having sex with my girlfriend.
It doesn't help that this dude is openly bisexual and very, very flirty.
Needless to say this is one big-ass problem. I need some advice. How do I stop thinking about this dude?
Reservoir Angel on
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And it wasn't being gay that was the problem. It's being insanely infatuated with a guy when I'm in a long-term relationship with a girl already that's the problem.
The question is, are you committed to this girl or not? That's the question.
It comes down to what you want to do with those feelings. Breaking off a long-term relationship over a short-term infatuation is not a good idea. At the same time, you don't want to perpetually stay with someone that doesn't make you happy. It's up to you to decide at what point you should disregard something like this as a passing attraction, or a serious problem with your current relationship. Nobody else can tell you which of those two things it is, and it's something you will likely only find out with time.
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And no, I'm not used to being hit on by guys. Never happened before
But that passing attraction is just that. Passing. It is nothing compared to the relationship you are in and have been in for a long time now. Focus on your girlfriend and your current relationship and your feelings for miscellaneous hot flirty guy will fade with time. Until they do fade, try to put him out of your mind.
So basically, you just need to make a choice and, if you choose to stick with the girl, just have faith and wait it out. (And try to have some mental discipline.)
If it helps at all, my way of dealing with decisions like this, when all the back and forth is killing me, is to just pretend to choose one course of action (doing whatever noncommittal actions are necessary to make the choice seem real) and see how I feel about it. If I'm still feeling torn, then I decide on the alternative, and more often than not it is accompanied by a sense of relief and realizing that it was the right way to go all along.
I dunno, it seems no different from imagining "what if", but I find I sometimes get so hung up on not having a clue what would happen "if" that it really helps to take a slightly different approach, and I am very good at fooling myself. It's just a trick to try and get a better read on the gut feeling basically.
:winky::winky::winky:
This. I've been married for 8 years now and I still sometimes see a girl with a butt that makes me want to turn into a drooling wolf like a Tex Avery cartoon. Some people are just hot. It's OK to think that they're hot.
Have you talked to your girlfriend about this? My wife and I sometimes talk about attractive people that we've met, or joke about which celebrities are on our list (Kristin Bell for me, Glen Phillips for her). We know that ultimately we find each other hot and that works for us, and it's fun to fantasize a little bit. Note, though, that for some relationships this would be a VERY VERY BAD IDEA.
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But it's the "he's a guy" thing. I've never been attracted to a guy before. Well not in any big way. One or two occasional "pretty hot" looks at celebrities, but never anything like this.
So as far as that part people break up and move on. Just because you've gone out with a girl since you started high school doesn't mean you're going to be buried next to her.
Besides with all this emo crap that's all the rage these days she might think it's hot you're into a dude.
Its amazing how the right hiney can make you forget about the rest of the world, or that you have been drooling for 15 minutes.
If you have then I'm not seeing the problem. She knows and accepts that you find other people attractive, she knows you have occasional "guy-crushes". So what's going to be the problem with her knowing you have an attraction to a guy you know for real?
So it's okay that you both know that you find other people attractive. You both are cool with it, just so long as you don't cheat on eachother.
The only real problem is that you're suddenly attracted to a guy.
Maybe you're afraid that you're gay? Well, you are not gay, so long as 'gay' is defined as being exclusively attracted to the same sex. You have a girlfriend and you have sex with her, so obviously you're attracted to some women. But you found an awesome guy who is amazing, and you're attracted to him, so obviously you're attracted to some men. You're not gay... But you're not completely straight either. You're somewhere in between.
If anyone tells you that this shouldn't be a discovery that feels life-shattering, they're wrong. Because, for most people who actually go through this experience, that's exactly how it feels. We live in a society that's predominately heterosexual, so even if you're fortunate to grow up in a family that isn't prejudiced against gay people, you still don't normally see same-sex attraction expressed on a week-to-week basis. Most children and teens probably never see it. So when a teen discovers these feeling inside himself, it feels totally alien. And it's scary.
But the cool thing is that it's okay. Even though it feels life-shattering right now, it really isn't that big of a deal. There are lots of folks who are sometimes or exclusively attracted to some members of the same sex - and they're doing just fine. No one's going to hate you for it, or really think less of you for it. (Except the bigots, but you don't need anti-gay friends any more than you need white supremacist friends.)
Of course, it's possible that this really is just a one-time experience, and you'll never really be attracted to another guy again. It happens. Your body is changing, hormones are raging, and the brain sometimes does things out of it's norm - so maybe this is just a one time thing - and that's totally okay. But on the other hand, maybe you are genuinely attracted to girls and guys, and that's who you are. And that's cool too. You'll only know with time. So give it time.
This was going to be my suggestion as well. There are not many situations in which I would endorse this, but it seems the stars are in the proper alignment for you. It couldn't hurt to see if she's game.
Just because you're attracted to two different people doesn't mean that you'd like to have sex with both of them at the same time. =/
See how you feel when he's naked in the room with you, but there's nothing gay going on... yet:winky:
Course that's just an idea. One of many possible solutions to the question of how to check out his naked body.
Unless you've already seen him naked and that's what made you form an attraction to him...
And no, cheating in the interest of self-discovery does not justify it.
And furthermore, trying to seduce the guy instead of being up-front with him is just not cool. It's manipulative and dishonest. Also a bad habit.
If you really want to see where things go with the guy, you need to be responsible and break up with the girlfriend. Then, be honest with the guy about your feelings on an objective level (e.g., "I'm bi"), and, you know, spend time with him. Date. Yeah, gay/bi people date too. Then see where things go once he's aware of your intentions.
All I'm saying is - be honest, be responsible. Don't hurt your girlfriend by cheating on her. Don't disrespect the guy by attempting to seduce him.
You my friend, are royally, and completely, fucked!
Although I'm not sure if "accidentally" catching him out of his kit would count as cheating...better not run the risk though.