Help between two different ladies

Edited

Ok H&A, im in trouble.

First off something about me: im 23 and I live in a big city for my job. I could find similar work in a smaller city most likely, but not sure.

There are two different girls attracted to me. I know both of them and I am confused as to which one I should "choose". God, I sound like a horrible douche by saying that.

Some background on both girls:

Girl #1: She is almost 21, goes to school about 2 hours away, and we have dated before, roughly 6 years ago. We dated in my senior year of HS, her freshmen year. Right before I went away to college, she broke up with me claiming that she wanted to explore other possibilities (I was her first everything). A few months later (after I have already met my future ex-wife), she calls claiming she made a huge mistake and realized how good I was for her. I said "no thanks" as I was with my ex-wife at the time. Fast forward to after the divorce, which was 4 or so years after she wanted me back, and we start talking again. Started out as friends, then we realized how well we are together and she said that when she gets back from a 3 month stint across the country for a research internship (shes a chem engineering major) that she would come see me and see how things go.

Girl #2: I met her during the 3 month research stint Girl #1 was doing. I had an eHarmony account that I never really used and one day she messaged me. I was feeling pretty lonely at the time and decided to message her back. We continue to talk and I find out that we match pretty well. I proceed to go on a few dates with her and we end up having sex. We are currently dating. She is 25 and lives roughly an hour away. She works at a retail job completely unrelated to her Masters degree (historical site interpretation)

Girl #1 knows about Girl #2 and understands. However, I think I would be happier with Girl #1, its just a matter of a few things. With both it will be a long distance (relatively) thing. I find Girl #1 more attractive and more independent.

I probably sound jumbled and I am. I can't stop thinking about Girl #1 and she even visited a week or so ago and we had a blast on a totally platonic date. Im due to go up to Girl #1's place for a few days next week to spend some more time with her and hopefully discuss this with her.

Help me H&A!

underdonk

Um... both? :winky:

Edited

If I was a man of less morals and more cunning, I could most likely pull that off. But then I wouldn't be better than my ex-wife and I would feel guilty as all hell (plus the fact that im sure you were joking)

Usagi

Well, you're already dating #2, correct? Why not just see where that goes since you seem to be having a good time and #1 has already dumped you once.

Also, 1-2 hours away is not really a long distance relationship, you should be able to see either of them in person on a regular basis.

Edited

I am already dating #2, but I feel like im just with her so im not single. I mean, shes nice enough and I would feel really bad about breaking up with her. But I feel that I would be more happy with #1.

Usagi

So you're pity dating #2?

Edited

Im not dating her out of pity. We hooked up at a time of my life when I was very lonely. Im not sure how much im actually attracted to her and how much im attracted to the idea of her. I just feel horrible over the whole thing.

Usagi

So take #1 out of the picture for a moment. If you weren't thinking about #1, would you still be dating #2? Do you like #2 enough on her own to make dating her worthwhile? Because it really isn't fair to #2 if she's just a way to placate your lonliness. No reason to feel horrible, you just have to figure out what you want.

(And it sounds like you're not really that into #2)

Halfmex

No one can make this decision for you, man. This is really one of those "listen to your heart" kind of things. If you're unhappy with the girl you're currently dating, then you might want to A) tell her that and break things off.

If, however, this is simply a "grass is greener" scenario with girl #1 and you're just thinking you'd be happier with her because she's different from who you're with now, then I'd say you need to cut off contact with girl #1.

No matter what, you need to be honest with your feelings here. As Usagi said, girl #1 has already dumped you once before. I'd say, if you're happy with the girl you're dating now, then cut off contact with girl #1 at least until you can be assured that you no longer have romantic aspirations toward her. If you are unhappy with the girl you're dating, end it but do it because you're unhappy, not because you think you might be happier with another girl.

Edited

Thanks. It seems I just need to sit and think about my situation and how I feel about the 2 girls.

Man, was hoping for an easy answer. My conscious won't be happy either way

RocketSauce

Edited wrote: »

I am already dating #2, but I feel like im just with her so im not single. I mean, shes nice enough and I would feel really bad about breaking up with her. But I feel that I would be more happy with #1.

I think you've already made the choice.

Dog

Yeah it sounds like you've already decided to go with #1.

Edited

Thats what I figured as well, but I hate it when people come to H&A with a set end in mind and just want people to agree with them rather than providing differing advice and/or help.

RocketSauce

Edited wrote: »

Thats what I figured as well, but I hate it when people come to H&A with a set end in mind and just want people to agree with them rather than providing differing advice and/or help.

We don't know either of these girls. Even if we did, that still doesn't have much relevance on how you feel about them. It's a bad idea to go girlfriend jumping, though, as a lot of times the problems that were with one girl 'magically' follow you to the next one. If you do break it off with #2, give yourself some time to be single and let yourself breathe.

From what you've said of #1 though, she sounds high maintenance. A freshman in high school dumping a senior to 'explore her options' is fucked up and sounds like she thought she was too good for you. 6 years later she's realized you're a nice guy as none of the other guys in her life have probably put up with her crap. Get ready for it all over again, buddy.

Chanus

RocketSauce wrote: »

From what you've said of #1 though, she sounds high maintenance. A freshman in high school dumping a senior to 'explore her options' is fucked up and sounds like she thought she was too good for you. 6 years later she's realized you're a nice guy as none of the other guys in her life have probably put up with her crap. Get ready for it all over again, buddy.

Sounds to me like she was just a typical girl at that age (or person, really).

It's entirely possible she's "grown up" and realized what she gave up... of course, it's also entirely possible she's doing the same thing the OP is doing with Girl #2.

Most important factor: Are you happy with Girl #2?

Remember, she's a person too. Stringing her along while you make up your mind is bad juju.

matt has a problem

Are you happy with #2? Stay with #2.

Are you just dating #2 just so you're not alone? Break up with #2, she doesn't deserve to be led on by someone who isn't going to stick around.

:edit: man Chanus...

Killgrimage

Yeah, Girl #1 shouldn't be cast away just because she "dumped you" before. With the bf I'm with now, he was my "first everything" in high school too. But we were both going off to different colleges and I knew that after two years with one guy I didn't know myself enough whether I really loved him or if I was just comfortable. So I broke it off, feeling that I still needed to do some growing up (really that both of us did). Years after we spottily kept in touch, and by the end of college we'd gotten back together. Now we are bound in the immortal wedlock of mortgage, so yeah, I think things worked out for the better.

Teslan26

Edited wrote: »

But I feel that I would be more happy with #1.

Is there anything else relevant?

Seriously. You just answered your own question.

Sheep

Op... how about you just pick the one you like and go with it?

darkmayo

I think the real question is which one is freakier in bed.

Shawnasee

You should break things off with #2. You're not into her enough to have said anything positive about her in this whole thread.

Girl #2: I met her during the 3 month research stint Girl #1 was doing. I had an eHarmony account that I never really used and one day she messaged me. I was feeling pretty lonely at the time and decided to message her back. We continue to talk and I find out that we match pretty well. I proceed to go on a few dates with her and we end up having sex. We are currently dating. She is 25 and lives roughly an hour away. She works at a retail job completely unrelated to her Masters degree (historical site interpretation)

I am already dating #2, but I feel like im just with her so im not single. I mean, shes nice enough and I would feel really bad about breaking up with her. But I feel that I would be more happy with #1.

Im not dating her out of pity. We hooked up at a time of my life when I was very lonely. Im not sure how much im actually attracted to her and how much im attracted to the idea of her. I just feel horrible over the whole thing.

Better to let her get back to e-harmony dude. You already know she's not the one.

KidDynamite

darkmayo wrote: »

I think the real question is which one is freakier in bed.

:^:

But really, I wouldn't discount anything from Girl #1 for the high-school stuff. I guarantee I am not the same person at all I was as a freshman in high-school.

It sounds like Girl #1 is cool, so I would go with it. Either way, if you take too long making a decision...

What is it about chasing after two rabbits that the guy in Civilization 4 says?

I say go for girl 1, maybe the grass IS greener that way. Plus it's unfair for girl #2 like is said above. She deserves to find happiness .

Edited

The thing im worried about with Girl #1 is that she will do the same thing she did 6 years ago. And thats one thing im going to sit down and discuss with her. However she was a high school freshman and is now a college junior so I shouldn't really hold it against her.

Chanus

Nothing wrong with letting her know you're concerned about that.

Dr. Frenchenstein

Edited wrote: »

The thing im worried about with Girl #1 is that she will do the same thing she did 6 years ago. And thats one thing im going to sit down and discuss with her. However she was a high school freshman and is now a college junior so I shouldn't really hold it against her.

Freshman in highschool and now are VERY different things, but it's still a legitimate concern. Just let her know. I doubt she'd throw it in your face or anything.

elfdude

Your a much more forgiving man than I. I would've never given girl #1 a second chance after telling me something like that which basically means, "I've found another guy and don't want you to be mad about me cheating on you so I'll tell you we need to see other people that way it doesn't look strange when I immediately start dating someone else." In your defense I've got no clue how long shes had to 'mature' and often times I meet women from my highschool years and realize they've become far better people since.

Anyways it already sounds like you've chosen girl #1 in your head you're just avoiding saying it. If you really think girl #1 is the one then go with her. You'll have to expect and be ready for number 2's break down though. Just keep in mind once people are adults their personalities tend to stay mostly the same so girl number 1 is definitely a less safe bet.

King Nada

Even if you end up with neither of them, it sounds like you are just prolonging the inevitable with girl #2.

JebusUD

Pick girl one. You like her better.

Then read this book. It has a chapter that deals with exactly this sort of thing.