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Strange and Embarrassing Moments: Italy: Land of Homoerotic Escapades
Gammarah
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
It is time once again for the triumphant return of the Strange and Embarrassing Moments thread. I would normally never start one of these, but I recently received a story that I just had to tell. Unfortunately, this did not happen to me, but rather to my cousin. All names have been changed. I must warn you, this is quite long.
So anyways, you all know how this works. Let the stories begin.
So my cousin, Kevin, is camping with two of his friends, Vince and Jeff, in the rustic woods of rural Georgia. Kevin and Vince are 17, Jeff is 19. Vince has liberated a copious amount of alcohol from his house, and everyone is drinking and having a good time. However, Vince is drinking quite a bit more than Kevin and Jeff. This seems harmless though, and the night continues.
Halfway through the night, everyone is afflicted with some sort of wanderlust, and they near the edge of the woods where they reach a parking lot. It is important to note that the fun continued on the way there, as everyone is carrying beer in their pockets and still drinking. Vince proclaims that he must pee, right now. Jeff shares the same desire. This leads to Kevin waiting near the woods while Jeff and Vince relieve themselves. Remember, Vince is incredibly wasted.
Jeff wanders off to some short distance and starts pissing. Vince sees a nearby car and for whatever reason that it would be perfect to piss on. So he wanders up to it, unzips and goes at it. Keep in mind that this is the middle of the night, and everyone was being relatively quiet. Everything seems fine as Vince relieves himself. Halfway through the act, red and blue sirens light up. On the car that Vince is pissing on.
The officer gets out and starts laying into Vince, screaming at him at the top of lungs to stop fucking pissing on his car. Vince sheepishly complies and smiles at the cop during the screaming. The cop begins to question him, and asks if he is drunk. Vince agrees, and offers him the bottle of beer in his hand, which the cop makes him pour out, much to his dismay.
As Kevin watches, the cop asks Vince if there's anyone else with him. Kevin is holding his breath at this point, and silently creeping back to the woods. He is literally six feet from the woods when he hears,
"Oh yeah sure, theres Jeff over there and uh... Kevin. Kevin? Where are you Kevin?" He frantically looks around at this point, then upon sighting him yells "Over there! Hi Kevin!" and points him out to the cop. Fuck, thinks Kevin, the woods are right there. He starts to creep back toward the woods when the cop shines a light on him, yelling that if he so much as fucking looks toward those goddamn woods he'll have a search party out on his ass. Kevin sighs and dejectedly starts walking toward the cop. Jeff is also rounded up, and they assemble in front of the vehicle. The cop asks if anyone else has alcohol on them, and Vince cheerily pipes in, informing the cop of all the alcohol in their pockets. This is of course, taken away as the cop realizes their ages.
To the car! Everyone is thrown into the back seat as the cop takes them to the station. Its a long drive, and halfway through Vince doesn't feel so good. How does he express this? He throws up violently, first on the cop, then ten minutes later on Kevin, and then ten minutes later on the floor of the car. Needless to say, the cop is pretty pissed as they finally get to the station. Now, this is where the story gets weird. Apparently, Kevin and Vince are so filthy from all the vomit on them that they must strip completely naked after entering the police station. Furthermore, the cop is so pissed at Vince for throwing up all over him that he forces him to clean his car right fucking then and there. Naked. Yeah. This took place in the 90's so I'm not sure how legal it was, but I'm pretty sure something should have been said of it.
How did everyone turn out? Vince and Kevin were both taken home by their parents, and put on restriction for quite a while. Jeff, not being a minor, is slapped with some sort of charge for supplying minors with alcohol. I'm not quite sure how that turned out for him.
Halfway through the night, everyone is afflicted with some sort of wanderlust, and they near the edge of the woods where they reach a parking lot. It is important to note that the fun continued on the way there, as everyone is carrying beer in their pockets and still drinking. Vince proclaims that he must pee, right now. Jeff shares the same desire. This leads to Kevin waiting near the woods while Jeff and Vince relieve themselves. Remember, Vince is incredibly wasted.
Jeff wanders off to some short distance and starts pissing. Vince sees a nearby car and for whatever reason that it would be perfect to piss on. So he wanders up to it, unzips and goes at it. Keep in mind that this is the middle of the night, and everyone was being relatively quiet. Everything seems fine as Vince relieves himself. Halfway through the act, red and blue sirens light up. On the car that Vince is pissing on.
The officer gets out and starts laying into Vince, screaming at him at the top of lungs to stop fucking pissing on his car. Vince sheepishly complies and smiles at the cop during the screaming. The cop begins to question him, and asks if he is drunk. Vince agrees, and offers him the bottle of beer in his hand, which the cop makes him pour out, much to his dismay.
As Kevin watches, the cop asks Vince if there's anyone else with him. Kevin is holding his breath at this point, and silently creeping back to the woods. He is literally six feet from the woods when he hears,
"Oh yeah sure, theres Jeff over there and uh... Kevin. Kevin? Where are you Kevin?" He frantically looks around at this point, then upon sighting him yells "Over there! Hi Kevin!" and points him out to the cop. Fuck, thinks Kevin, the woods are right there. He starts to creep back toward the woods when the cop shines a light on him, yelling that if he so much as fucking looks toward those goddamn woods he'll have a search party out on his ass. Kevin sighs and dejectedly starts walking toward the cop. Jeff is also rounded up, and they assemble in front of the vehicle. The cop asks if anyone else has alcohol on them, and Vince cheerily pipes in, informing the cop of all the alcohol in their pockets. This is of course, taken away as the cop realizes their ages.
To the car! Everyone is thrown into the back seat as the cop takes them to the station. Its a long drive, and halfway through Vince doesn't feel so good. How does he express this? He throws up violently, first on the cop, then ten minutes later on Kevin, and then ten minutes later on the floor of the car. Needless to say, the cop is pretty pissed as they finally get to the station. Now, this is where the story gets weird. Apparently, Kevin and Vince are so filthy from all the vomit on them that they must strip completely naked after entering the police station. Furthermore, the cop is so pissed at Vince for throwing up all over him that he forces him to clean his car right fucking then and there. Naked. Yeah. This took place in the 90's so I'm not sure how legal it was, but I'm pretty sure something should have been said of it.
How did everyone turn out? Vince and Kevin were both taken home by their parents, and put on restriction for quite a while. Jeff, not being a minor, is slapped with some sort of charge for supplying minors with alcohol. I'm not quite sure how that turned out for him.
So anyways, you all know how this works. Let the stories begin.
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Now, in room four there's a monkey named Linus. He is one of the more troublesome monkeys. Fortunately, he is also the dumbest. One day, he was giving one of the trainers trouble taking his food bowl. Not feeling like dealing with it, she tried a halfhearted feint, shaking her foot under the cage. Despite the fact that they were clearly out of reach, Linus immediately ran down to the bottom and tried to grab her shoelaces. Surprised, the trainer took the bowl and stood up, at which point she noticed that the room had gone silent and all the monkeys were staring at Linus with looks of shear disbelief of how fucking stupid Linus was.
I also sat on my grandfather's dog. It was dark, and I was coming back from brushing my teeth. I sat down on the bed in that jump-and-body-slam style people use when they plan to immediately switch to laying down, and landed squarely on Lady, and eight pound miniature schnauzer. She wasn't hurt, and still insisted in sleeping in my bed, which I'd long since given up on moving her out of. During that visit I'd also manage to step on her leg and kick her, as I'm not used to operating around small dogs.
(I thought one of the mods put a temporary moratorium on the S&E last topic?)
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
I had a fairly embarrassing moment today, I was with my family today heading to a restaurant by a mall. I was also on twitter, and mentioned I was with my family talking about how weird midget couples were. Actually what they were talking about were young kid couples. Because we passed a short kid probably no older than 13 holding hands with a girl who judging by her body type was either a REALLY early bloomer, or was like 18. I mentioned it might have been a midget (which it clearly wasn't).
When we got out of the car I mentioned to everyone in my family what my tweet was as we were getting out of the car. In front of the restaurant I said fairly loudly "Talking with my family about how weird midget couples are."
I am sure you can tell what is going to happen now.
There was a 50-60 year old midget lady walking into the restaurant behind me, a midget couple sitting in the grass about 20 feet away, and a mixed little person couple on the walkway about 15 feet on the other side of my family.
I then really let my mouth slip by exclaiming "JEEZ is there some kind of little person convention in the mall?!"
At least I didn't ask if the circus was in town...that would have been REALLY offensive.
So I have had the bad luck of being in the hospital recently due to a newly developed chronic illness. I know exciting but in general that doesn't make the story interesting.
So I was having some leg and back pain, and by some I mean 2 vicodin would keep it were I wasn't screaming at the top of my lungs continually. So I my doctors set me up with a ct scan in the morning. Now not a huge deal, this would be my second or third in the last few months. I skip a breakfast and get the ct scan. My mother who is driving me due to a mix of narcotics I am on and just me being head to a really good breakfast restaurant to eat. Now I have lost a ton of weight due to my new condition and I have to eat as much as I can and was starving. So we sit down and order. I am dreaming of my coming sausage, English muffin, eggs and such when we get a phone call from my father saying they found a pair of abscesses in my ct scan and I have to go back to the hospital right now. So instead of my delicious breakfast I am back to the hospital being checked in through the emergency room.
So I am sitting there starving and we are reaching about noon. The doctor comes in and says they want to get a sample from one of the abscess which is over my bladder. So we have to drain my bladder. How do you drain a bladder you ask? By a catheter! My doctor stated that this would be about an hour at most. Instead my next 4 hours consist of a tube up my penis. Top it all off the one cute nurse I meet pulls out the plastic tube. Top the humiliation of the day, the only food I get is a dry sandwich and bag a chips that night in the hospital.
TL;DR- Instead of an awesome breakfast and a relaxing day, I end up with a plastic tube up my penis and a dry sandwich. Truly an embarrassing and strange day.
In other news, I had a S&E moment last week. So me and my lovely girlfriend Alyce are making out and things are progressing nicely, when she has to answer her phone or something. After a few seconds, she comes back over to the bed at the exact same moment that I happened to be stretching. My hand comes in front of my face, horizontally across my body and....hits her square in the vagina.
My immediate and instinctual reaction was to make a funny face and boast that "I just punched you in the va-jay-jay!" I still have no clue what in the hell made me say that, but both of us found it unspeakably hilarious.
And that's my strange and embarrassing moment for the night.
Hear ye! Vagamemnon, Destroyer of Threads, Harbinger of Doom, walks the earth again!
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
I've got a story which happened to me just last Friday. I went to a high school reunion cocktail party with my friend Ilene, who I've had a massively unrequited crush on for years. We've only just started hanging out together again, and only just got past the 'post-crush awkwardness'. Anyway, we got the venue, grabbed some drinks and started mingling. Upon spotting one of our mutual favourite teachers, we wander over to say hello. Recognising us immediately, this woman greats us with a loud:
"Oh, are you two dating? How wonderful!"
Ilene and I simultaneously leap away from each other at that point and made statements like 'No! God, no!' and 'We're just good friends' while casting shifty looks at each other.
This happened with no less than three other teachers during the night.
It was a pretty warm night so I had taken my blouse off, and it was probably about twenty or thirty minutes after that when someone pointed out the fact that there was dried jizm on my trousers. Panicking, I quickly untucked my undershirt to cover that shit up. And that's when I discovered there was the same sort of stain on the front of my shirt too.
Edit: I should add that this happened like around 3am. Otherwise I probably woulda noticed.
So about 10 minutes till close, I get a call forwarded to the nursery from inside the store.
Me: "Nursery dept. Jordan speaking, what can I do for you?"
Person (Henceforth known as 'Crazy Dave'): "Hi um what do you know about the medicinal properties of herbs?"
Me: "Not a lot, I'm afraid"
CD : "Nothing at all?"
Me: "It's not really my specialty"
CD : "Well is there anyone there who does?"
Me: "Well we don't exactly have a specialist in that particular area. We do have a nice selection of herbs; Rosemary, Lavender, things like that"
CD : "Okay so here's the thing; I need to know the beneficial medicinal properties of various herbs because I've already got a few like Oregano and St. Johns wart, and
(Crazy count down in 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...)
... I'm trying to build up a supply of various herbs and plants to combat the coming plague of flus and fevers and fight the evil 'vaccines' unleashed upon us by the New World Order government
Me: (trying so hard not to lose it over the phone) ... "Well, like I said we do have plenty of herbs for sale, I'm just not sure of their medicinal properties or could prescribe them as such"
CD : "Fine then goodbye" <click>
Note that he was already getting pretty perturbed when I told him we didn't have an herbal specialist, so by the time he got to the crazy talk, he was rather feverishly portraying the idea.
Nevermind that we live in hippie-ville USA, and any bookstore within a stone's throw of the area would have books on that. On top of that, after the call, I really wish I had delayed the 'goodbyes' and fucked with his mind. Like "Well I can't tell you that over the phone, brother. Can we meet somewhere safe?"
I nicknamed the guy Crazy Dave because I have the biggest suspicion he looks like
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
It said Casper, had clouds floating around, and our little ghosty friend peeking up over the letters.
Yea...
See how many books I've read so far in 2010
o_O
You know you're making this deployment really hard to get through
Goddamn I miss the states
So was it female jizm? You're both chicks, right?
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Turns out one of my professors was a Romanian. Cue a bunch of frantic explanation after she asks about the shirt. I don't think she liked the joke.
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I think she was offended by people making jokes about regimes that killed her people.
I was a bit confused with the use of blouse, but given that the screen name is Richard_Dastardly, I'm guessing the poster is a dude.
IOS Game Center ID: Isotope-X
*scratches head*
I have one, although it didn't happen to me personally, I was there for the whole thing.
We get two new Airmen in my shop and the supply Sergeant is taking them around to get their ear defenders, cover-alls, all their initial issue gear. Anyways, we line them up before we go to get this stuff and the Sergeant just does off on this one Airman about the length of their hair.
For males, hair is not supposed to reach more than an inch in bulk and never touch the ears, etc.
He's about to continue chewing this poor youngster, who by now is completely terrified, out when he looks down at the requisition sheets and just...stops. He looks back up, squints, looks back down at the sheet, takes a step back and in a very low, small voice goes, "Angela. Your name is Angela." "Yes, sir." "...I am so sorry. Words cannot...I'm sorry." "It's alright, sir, I'm often mistaken for a man."
Edit: Yeah, that.
Edit: Wait I thought AF chicks were supposed to be hot, what the fuck
A lot of them are amazingly gorgeous. I had this one Sergeant in FTAC (First Term Airman Center) that was just...dear God. Words fail.
But we balance the equation by occasionally letting a woman who looks like a Deep One in.
...the Navy has women? Huh :P
The other 5%? "Mega, Ultra, Super, Max Power Slut"
As much as I'd love to leap to the defense of the entire female population of the United States, we'd be de-railing this thread even further. So let's just hang out, grab a brew, and wait for more embarrassing stories, eh?
All of this would be fine, except when we go up to the cashier to get our photo. The cashier, a young guy around my age, looks at my burn, chuckles a little, and goes, "How did you manage that one?"
My husband, without missing a beat or glancing up from his wallet, says, "Well, that's the trouble with being a superhero. You ejaculate acid."
Yeah, he thinks he's pretty clever. I hope it was worth the punching I gave him.
Also, bonus embarrassing story from my Grandmother's childhood she likes to tell.
It's Halloween, and late after trick-or-treating, her brothers decide they want to go out and prank some houses. Nothing major, just some toilet paper and the like. (There was also something involving coating a piece of fishing wire in Vaseline or something so when you rubbed it, it made an ungodly screeching sound, but I forget the specifics.) So my grandmother pulls the typical little sister move and says she'll tell on them unless they take her. They agree.
So it's past midnight and they're out running around, and everything is going fine until they get to this one farmhouse and stumble across an outhouse out back. Her brothers decide they're going to tip it over. They start to push and rock at it when they hear from inside, "Just a minute, please!"
And they run like hell.
But not my grandmother. It doesn't occur to run. She decides to be polite and wait for whoever is inside.
A minute later, a very angry man opens the door and throws a bucket of... well... you can probably guess. All over her. "That'll teach you to try to wreck someone else's property!"
She runs home in tears, covered in all sorts of nastiness, and her brothers are in all sorts of trouble when they show up an hour later. She was really embarrassed when this happened I guess, but now she thinks it's hysterical. I think the guy who threw the stuff on her went a bit overboard considering how young she was, but then again it was dark, and he didn't know who was out there, and probably thought it was a bunch of teenagers. Either way: UGHUGHGHGUGHGH.
He followed them for hours.
I think that USA stands for US Army.
but they're listening to every word I say
I imagine them saying "Those Gaijin do all look the same!"
but they're listening to every word I say
United States Army
Now, I'm not a fantastic conversationalist but the dinner was going well; everyone was in a good mood and the food was great. As things were winding down and we were just sitting around the table chatting, the topic of tattoos came up because my girlfriend was an accomplished artist and had just finished a concept for a friend. I began talking about what made a tattoo interesting rather than cliche and the sister seemed interested so I continued about how my friends and I referred to tattoos on the lower back as tramp stamps.
Now, you and I can see my faux pas, and I quickly tried to clarify by saying that "it's only like that for cliche tribal designs and butterflies." The table became very quiet and I learned to my horror that the love of my life's older sister had a tribal tattoo on her lower back.
I've...never seen that acronym before. My bad, although I suppose I should've known :?
It's a touchy issue for some people. US Air Force shirts get popular every February/March thereabouts, because that's when the recruiting drives kick in on full force on campus (tables, booths, and of course, free shirts). On certain days, you'll get a third of students of either gender wearing them because, hey, who doesn't love a free shirt. And, while they don't give them out for free, you'll get people in USAF shirts with various second-world-war style pinup girl on them, usually straddling bombs, propellers, etc. When I was a TA, I resisted the urge to poke one of my students in the back and ask them to loose the shirt with the insignia of an military force that killed by my grandparent's family with bombs (I'm Taiwanese).
Mostly because I didn't keep nondescript shirts in my bag, among other things, so I couldn't give them another one. I'm pretty sure I took a few non-woman-on-bomb shirts and used them for various things (wearing them, cleaning my bike, etc.). That, and that was before I was born, so it's not really that comparable, in retrospect.
Embarrassing moment:
Me and my friends used to go to cons (conventions) very regularly, since we're in close proximity to Atlanta, we go to DragonCon quite regularly. Inevitably, people try to hook up (nothing wrong with that).
One time, a friend of mine was hitting it off with this girl, really pleasant individual, not bad looking at all, etc. So they decide to stay in contact after wards. Unfortunately, her cell number changed or was canceled, so he tried to look her up in an Duluth phonebook. Nothing.
Weird. I have a friend who works at the DDS (basically, Georgia's version of the DMV), so we figure we'll give that a try. I know this sounds like my friend (and by extension, me, his accomplice) were crazy stalkers, but we swear we weren't.
We give our DDS friend the name, and ask him to look up her driver's license. Nothing.
My friend kept trying other ways (not really my business, I barely knew her), and he updated me on her progress once.
Half-jokingly I pointed out, "You know, if she has no voter registration, no driver's license, and isn't in the phonebook....hah, what kind of person has zero records anywhere?"
And then we stopped laughing about it. The answer is: a minor.
My friend was a few years my senior, in his mid-twenties.
That was pretty embarrassing in retrospect--for him anyway. I thought it was hilarious later.
Perhaps she gave a fake name and number?
You know, that had never occurred to us?
Probably because, about a week after the convention (yeah, it sounds like it happened over a long period of time, but not really), she gave us a call and my friend directly asked her about it.
According to him, yeah, she was a minor (she was something like 16, wherein my friend thought she was 24-ish).
I'm guessing that was pretty awkward too.
I know it's off-topic, but how does it not surprise me that someone who spends all day yelling at men is terrified of women? If he had grunted and said "My mistake, your hair is within regulation.", I would have a great deal more respect for him.
I get her outside of the bar and we sit down on the sidewalk. I'm talking to her making sure she ok and this guy comes up to me, who is wearing a kilt (we're not in Scotland), and starts asking me if she's ok. I tell him she's fine, just hurt her ankle, in one of those "yes now please just fuck off so I can make sure she's ok" kind of ways. He persists and keeps talking to me while my ex-wife is starting to lose it. At some point he asks me if I've ever worn a kilt. I tell him yes - I wore one at a (Scottish) friend's wedding many moons ago. He starts telling me how awesome it is. I notice that my ex-wife is about to go... and finally she does. But she doesn't just pass out. She passes the fuck out, and in the process, pisses herself. So here I am, sitting on the sidewalk in front of a bar with my wife passed out on my shoulder, big piss spot between her legs on her jeans, piss running down the cracks in the sidewalk, and some wanker in a kilt telling me how awesome it is to be some wanker in a kilt.
About twenty agonizing seconds later she snaps back into consciousness, looks at me with a funny look on her face and says, "Did you piss yourself? Smells like piss." I just let out a little laugh. The kilt guy helps me get her up and I flag down a cab, which was, thankfully, easier than it usually is in my town. As I'm getting in the cab the kilt guys says, "So hey, do you want to hang out some time?". Now, I haven't said more than ten words to this guy. I tell him, politely, "no thanks, but maybe I'll see you around sometime." The guy looks crushed, like he met a kindred spirit, and I deprived him of being able to wear his kilt without feeling like an outcast.
In the end, my ex-wife ended up drinking more beer at the house and passing out on the bathroom floor after throwing up a couple of times... but not before asking me who that chick in the skirt was that was trying to pick me up outside of the bar.
Ah, good memories.
I think he was just panicking because he'd just inadvertently told a woman that she looked like a dude, which is much worse than a straight out insult because you can tell the latter is just to be mean, while the former is what the person really thinks.
So, this happened last year at work. Pretty much I had been chatting with this group of guys, and had to excuse myself to go do my little number on stage. Afterward, feeling rather exhausted and worn out, I returned to their table.
When I got there, I flopped dramatically into a chair and said VERY loudly to the three of them, "MAN am I tired, and fuck I LOVE sitting. If I could just SIT FOREVER, god, that would be the BEST THING EVER!"
At this point I'm grinning, and I see the guys have all gone silent. Confused, I notice one of them staring at me particularly hard, so I turn to him with expectation, assuming maybe he has something to say.
Here is where I notice the fellow is not sitting in a chair, no, he's bound in tight to a rather obvious wheelchair.
I excused myself and made a hasty retreat.