There was no "th" sound. Perhaps she said "Hank you" or "Fank you". Perhaps she was a vampire. Or perhaps her Australian accent randomly goes Eastern European. Who knows?
Second one is that she's my wife, and she and our daughter came back through time from twenty years in the future because I'd died suddenly and she wanted one last chance to see me.
I'd start keeping an eye out for Arnold if I were you.
Run if you see him.
There's a reference here that I probably should be ashamed to admit that I don't get.
Hey man you can break out of the friend zone. It's not easy. There can be casualties. But it can be done.
This . . . is relative to my interest.
Go on
It's a long story, and there were multiple 'trying out' periods and a few breakups, but we're getting married next year, and have been plenty happy the last few years out of high school. Life is good.
MetroidZoid on
Steam
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
Crap now I feel obligated to provide embarrassment...
Oh! I went to a gig a couple of days ago and asked the girl behind the bar for some Gaymer's Pear Cider
"Oh, the cider, right?"
"Ummm...yeah?"
"Sorry, I'm not even sure why I asked that!"
we laugh
She starts to fill a pint from the draught and I point out that what she's pouring me is regular cider.
"Yeah...?"
"I asked for pear"
"No you didn't..."
"Yes I did?" *starting to doubt myself*
She giggles and goes off to get a bottle of pear from the fridges and brings back...
I point out that she's about to give me regular again, she looks puzzled then goes to get pear. Hooray!
Later in the night, the band are playing and she has to lean over the bar to hear me, I say Gaymer's pear almost directly into her ear, she looks at me, recognises me from last time, smiles coyly, and goes and picks up a bottle of regular then changes her mind to pear seconds before she pops the top and gives me a look of "tell me he didn't see that"
She was pretty embarrassed, I used is as a way to get to chatting before I met her after work :winky:
Crap now I feel obligated to provide embarrassment...
Oh! I went to a gig a couple of days ago and asked the girl behind the bar for some Gaymer's Pear Cider
"Oh, the cider, right?"
"Ummm...yeah?"
"Sorry, I'm not even sure why I asked that!"
we laugh
She starts to fill a pint from the draught and I point out that what she's pouring me is regular cider.
"Yeah...?"
"I asked for pear"
"No you didn't..."
"Yes I did?" *starting to doubt myself*
She giggles and goes off to get a bottle of pear from the fridges and brings back...
I point out that she's about to give me regular again, she looks puzzled then goes to get pear. Hooray!
Later in the night, the band are playing and she has to lean over the bar to hear me, I say Gaymer's pear almost directly into her ear, she looks at me, recognises me from last time, smiles coyly, and goes and picks up a bottle of regular then changes her mind to pear seconds before she pops the top and gives me a look of "tell me he didn't see that"
She was pretty embarrassed, I used is as a way to get to chatting before I met her after work :winky:
You didn't try to convince her that she said that she'd come home with you?
I've lurked in the past few S&EM threads, so I figured I should post one.
I went to a Catholic grammar school, complete with old fashioned, habit wearing, ruler-wielding nuns. The first grade teacher (nun) was notorious for being harsh with the kids (for example: "If you don't stop talking, the crows from the graveyard will come, grab your ear in their beak, and fly away so you'll never see your parents again"), and few people liked her. Who knows how she stayed in the school as long as she did. Anyway, I was pretty much always on her bad side for whatever reason, and occasionally caught some blows. My mom says I never told her as she would have pulled me out instantly if she had known, but whatever, I'm over it.
Eventually, it came time for the staple of every Christian grammar school, the Christmas Pageant! We'll all get to be on stage and say lines and people will clap! Lord help us if we mess up, though, or the crows will take us away. So, we spent a good deal of time practicing in the auditorium. I'd like to say at this point in my life that I was in fact toilet trained, but I ran into my fair share of problems, and was known at home to be a pee-er. Obviously, in front of my friends, I'd exercise more caution, though, right?
Well, we're rehearsing in the auditorium. The first grade section is set up in a way that we're all in a line, we each say a little piece, then go to the back of the line. I knew enough not to speak up while someone else was saying their line, so I decided to wait until it was my turn to say I needed to go to the bathroom. Everything goes fine and dandy, no accidents by the time I get up, and I inform the teacher that I need to go. "No! Say your line!"
"I really need to go to the bathroom." (It was probably more like "I gotta pee pee really bad!" but, whatever)
"Say your line!"
Well, ok, whatever, I'll say my line. I recite it, probably mess up, and move to the back of the line like a good little angel or whatever I was. The next person comes up, and complains of a wet floor.
This was the first time I used wetting myself as a form of revenge. Luckily, I only ever did it a few more times or it'd be hard to live down. It made high school great, when old friends would tell new friends of my pee-scapades..
So I had a crush on this chick, let's call her Ashley. I had a crush on her for like 3 years, and she was easily the most beautiful girl I've ever met. Like, she actually is currently considering doing porn-for-a-living hot (though this is also about how fucked up she is, but whatevs). We'd screwed around during last Spring, but each time both of us were too intoxicated to remember the events precisely. But anyways, during summer and september we had been meeting each other every weekend, going to the city and going to concerts, and during September we had gotten to 3rd base after I vomitted on someone because I'd drank way too much (that's another story, but it was hours after the vomitting). So I invite her over to my college one weekend in September this year, to the explicit purpose of fucking this beautiful chick, and hopefully having a relationship. We'd been texting each other like 70 times a day about how much we wanted to bang.
When she gets off the train, we get on the bus, and Ashley says "Hey Ethan, what day is today?" And I go "Oh, it's September 11th...oh...oh god." We kinda giggle at that for a while, but it gets WORSE, ladies and gentlemen. When we get to my room we start hooking up, and i take her clothes off but I forget that the blinds are not closed. So a person is looking into my room at me banging this chick. I close the blinds and we try to get back to it. However, because of just the fucking stupid way I am, and because I'm constantly talking (though this was hot when we were doing this before, because it distracted her enough for anything I did to be unexpected), but what I was saying was,, sadly, like how it usually is--fucking hilarious. So I'm eating her out and I look up and I make a joke about september 11th, and we start laughing, and then we go 'oh wait, we're supposed to be having sex'.
The best example though, was I was eating her out and I started humming on her clit because that's what people do in eroticas and this one instructional video I've seen. But then Ashley says "Wait, Ethan, is that the Fresh Prince themesong?" and I said "...it was the first thing I could come up with"
We do this for 3 hours and nothing happens because we keep on interrupting each other. Eventually we decide to go buy some weed so that we can get high and stop doing that, but none of the dealers are available, so we finally find a person at like 1 AM and we get back to my room, and she says she's not in the mood. I asked what was wrong, and she said that occasionally when she gets high she has flashbacks to when a high school boyfriend raped her while she was really intoxicated. Needless to say that really didn't help me, so we go to bed.
But it gets worse, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to note that for the rest of the story my roomate is inexplicably in the room, even though I said "So I'm having a chick over this weekend" and he said that he wouldn't be in the room much, and even though I had cleared out of the room and slept in a friends common room when he had his girlfriend over. So the sexual frustration of the last night gets worse because we don't have a chance to do it.
So one of my friends, Julie, had her birthday on the 12th, so we decided to go to it because it'd be fun. Now Julie has had a crush on Ashley from like the time they met a year ago. During the party Julie starts hitting on Ashley, and Ashley goes to me and says "hey, would you mind if I tell Julie she's attractive?" and I say "yeah" because I didn't think it would go to anything. After Ashley tells Julie that, Julie, oh wait, I forgot. Julie had been a professional dominatrix before. So Julie grabs Ashley by the neck and starts making out with her, which, needless to say, is awkward to everyone. Ashley then says she needs some air, and leaves. Julie, who was blackout drunk at this point, starts to tell me how amazing Ashley was at kissing, and I decide to leave for a while.
While I'm walking, I get a call from my mom. My mom says "Ethan, your great aunt died today, it was a heart attack." I knida stare blankly at the phone, not knowing why God chose this weekend to shit all over my life. Now I hadn't known my great aunt well, but this meant that I would have to go to a wake the next day, with the side of my family that I didn't particularly like.
I go back to Julies, and now the only people left are Ashley, me, Julie, and Julie's ex. Julie goes back to making out with Ashley, and Julie's ex and I just kinda try to make conversation around the fact that the women we are in love with are making out.
So eventually we go back to bed, and on sunday, my roomate is STILL IN THE ROOM. I am so fucking frustrated that I feel like beating the crap out of everything. I tell Ashley I'm going to be going into New York City with her, for a family meeting, not really wanting to say why. On the train ride, she tells me she thinks that my reaction to her making out with Julie was very immature, and that she didn't think it was going to work out.
Then I went to a wake.
I had a fucking amazing September 11th weekend.
epilogue--It took me nearly dying to realize that Ashley wasn't a good person for me, though this relationship did teach me to stop pursuing attractive crazy chicks, and to care more about personality than OH MAN NICE LEGS. Julie and I actually connected a lot, because she'd always been a bit of a dick to me, but these events made her realize how much of a dick she was precisely. Ashley and I made Christmas presents for each other, which I guess we'll exchange at our mutual friend's Christmas party. Said mutual friend had a crush on Ashley his whole life and isn't aware that I was screwing around with her.
Another tale from work. I started about three weeks ago, and this is a short one from my first day. I'm helping a lady with printer ink. She has her young daughter with her.
I finish helping her, tell her to give me a yell if there's anything else I can help her with and begin to wander off to help other customers.
As I start to walk away, I am absolutely certain I hear her say softly, "I love you." In my peripheral vision, I can see that she's yet to turn away from facing me, so she's not addressing her daughter.
Two possibilities come immediately to mind. First one is that I misheard her. Second one is that she's my wife, and she and our daughter came back through time from twenty years in the future because I'd died suddenly and she wanted one last chance to see me. Third one is almost the same as the second one, only she wanted to have some kind of temporal threesome and lost her nerve.
There's obviously a fourth possibility that she just occasionally says things involuntarily, which is probably the right one.
Hey man you can break out of the friend zone. It's not easy. There can be casualties. But it can be done.
This . . . is relative to my interest.
Go on
Simply enlist your best allies: alcohol, desperation, and good timing.
I managed it a few weeks ago without any of those things. My friend/massive crush had come down to stay with a bunch of our mutual friends who shared a house in the same town as me, so I went to hang out as well. One thing led to another, and we all made a pillow fort out of the furniture, as you do. I was having so much fun that I decided to crash there rather than go home in the rain. That night, as my friend and I lay in the darkness on separate settees, I admitted my feelings for her, and accepted the very sweet rejection.
Luckily, she realised when she got home that she'd been wrong, returned a few weeks later to admit it, and we're now an item. Just goes to show that your best allies are a pillow fort, darkness to build up the nerve, and a breathing period afterwards.
Anyway, an embarrassing story. It kind of relates to this, as it happened when I was walking home from doing a bit of Christmas shopping for my girlfriend last week. I'd picked up a bottle of single malt and was interested in what the label had to say about it, so I was walking along while reading the side of the box. I was so engrossed that I didn't notice an oncoming lamppost until I walked straight into it. The bottle bounced off the lamppost and whacked me full in the face, cutting my lip open, but mercifully the bottle was unscathed.
So yeah, I managed to hit myself in the face with a bottle.
Another tale from work. I started about three weeks ago, and this is a short one from my first day. I'm helping a lady with printer ink. She has her young daughter with her.
I finish helping her, tell her to give me a yell if there's anything else I can help her with and begin to wander off to help other customers.
As I start to walk away, I am absolutely certain I hear her say softly, "I love you." In my peripheral vision, I can see that she's yet to turn away from facing me, so she's not addressing her daughter.
Two possibilities come immediately to mind. First one is that I misheard her. Second one is that she's my wife, and she and our daughter came back through time from twenty years in the future because I'd died suddenly and she wanted one last chance to see me. Third one is almost the same as the second one, only she wanted to have some kind of temporal threesome and lost her nerve.
There's obviously a fourth possibility that she just occasionally says things involuntarily, which is probably the right one.
It weirded me out slightly at the time, though.
Maybe she was saying "Love you." to her daughter?
Her daughter was behind her. Although... maybe those soap opera things where you talk to someone while your back is turned to them... maybe it was one of those things.
An ex of mine has dyed her hair rainbow colors.
1) the mental image of her nude with that hair makes me giggle
2) the temptation to ask if she gives tyedye blowjobs is overwhelming
An ex of mine has dyed her hair rainbow colors.
1) the mental image of her nude with that hair makes me giggle
2) the temptation to ask if she gives tyedye blowjobs is overwhelming
I had one girlfriend in college that changed her hair color nearly every week. We're talking pinks and purples and oranges. It wasn't until we started dating that I found out she went the whole way with the color change, if you know what I mean.
An ex of mine has dyed her hair rainbow colors.
1) the mental image of her nude with that hair makes me giggle
2) the temptation to ask if she gives tyedye blowjobs is overwhelming
I had one girlfriend in college that changed her hair color nearly every week. We're talking pinks and purples and oranges. It wasn't until we started dating that I found out she went the whole way with the color change, if you know what I mean.
I asked her if the carpet matched the drapes when she dyed it pink, she said no. Now it has at least 8 different colors in it, now that'd be matching dedication.
An ex of mine has dyed her hair rainbow colors.
1) the mental image of her nude with that hair makes me giggle
2) the temptation to ask if she gives tyedye blowjobs is overwhelming
I had one girlfriend in college that changed her hair color nearly every week. We're talking pinks and purples and oranges. It wasn't until we started dating that I found out she went the whole way with the color change, if you know what I mean.
I did have a friend who did the constant (head hair - I don't know about elsewhere) colour change. At one point, her hair looked exactly like a clown wig and she got no end of shit for it. After that, she settled on dark red.
Spawnbroker and I were in the West Point PX (post exchange) because he had to get some things before we headed to my house. We were looking at gloves for him, and I look up and see Peter (Ex) just staring at me with this creepy half smile on his face. He stares at Spawnbroker and I for a bit, and I stare back in complete shock (fuuuuccccck fuck fuck) and Peter then pokes me with a role of Christmas Wrapping paper and says "What? I'm not allowed to shop here?" and walks away.
According to Spawnbroker, he was apparently staring at me for a bit before he actually came UP to me and stared at me.
Hello everyone, I am a former lurker who finally has a story to share!
So a bunch of college friends and I are at the Wal-mart near campus. I'm the last person to pay for my stuff, and as I begin walking forward, I hear someone shout my name, so I turn around and wave.
You've probably guessed I walked into a support column for the building.
Normally, no big deal; but I am accelerating, and my face only makes it forward in time to receive the full force of the impact. This is also one of those reinforced metal columns, and it makes a satisfying (even to me!) clang. I lose my vision briefly as I fall on my back, shake it off, and stand up to the laughter of my friends. After we walk out, my head hurts and my friends are laughing at the gash over my eye which is bleeding slightly. I end up staying up a little later 'cause some worried people are telling me I'd better not go to sleep just yet, in case I have a concussion and don't wake back up.
Also, I decide to skip class the next day, as I'm feeling a little depressed. I looked up symptoms of a minor concussion, see it's on the list, and go home for a day 'cause I feel like it, since I guess it's as good of an excuse as any. I guess it was a possibility, I dunno.
But what always gets me about that situation is remembering the looks on the employee's faces as I got up from the floor. It wasn't amusement, concern, or anything like that, but...almost a wince of what was to come. As if I were going to jump up and begin shouting about a lawsuit. Really, having worked in retail/customer service, it's not something I wouldn't expect.
For a brief moment, I was both the victim of my clumsiness and their potential enemy. Very strange feeling.
Spawnbroker and I were in the West Point PX (post exchange) because he had to get some things before we headed to my house. We were looking at gloves for him, and I look up and see Peter (Ex) just staring at me with this creepy half smile on his face. He stares at Spawnbroker and I for a bit, and I stare back in complete shock (fuuuuccccck fuck fuck) and Peter then pokes me with a role of Christmas Wrapping paper and says "What? I'm not allowed to shop here?" and walks away.
According to Spawnbroker, he was apparently staring at me for a bit before he actually came UP to me and stared at me.
Jesus, what the FUCK.
The right answer was to hit him over the head with your own larger roll of wrapping paper and shout a resounding "NO!".
It's the only way they learn. That or shock collars.
MetroidZoid on
Steam
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
So I had a crush on this chick, let's call her Ashley. I had a crush on her for like 3 years, and she was easily the most beautiful girl I've ever met. Like, she actually is currently considering doing porn-for-a-living hot (though this is also about how fucked up she is, but whatevs). We'd screwed around during last Spring, but each time both of us were too intoxicated to remember the events precisely. But anyways, during summer and september we had been meeting each other every weekend, going to the city and going to concerts, and during September we had gotten to 3rd base after I vomitted on someone because I'd drank way too much (that's another story, but it was hours after the vomitting). So I invite her over to my college one weekend in September this year, to the explicit purpose of fucking this beautiful chick, and hopefully having a relationship. We'd been texting each other like 70 times a day about how much we wanted to bang.
When she gets off the train, we get on the bus, and Ashley says "Hey Ethan, what day is today?" And I go "Oh, it's September 11th...oh...oh god." We kinda giggle at that for a while, but it gets WORSE, ladies and gentlemen. When we get to my room we start hooking up, and i take her clothes off but I forget that the blinds are not closed. So a person is looking into my room at me banging this chick. I close the blinds and we try to get back to it. However, because of just the fucking stupid way I am, and because I'm constantly talking (though this was hot when we were doing this before, because it distracted her enough for anything I did to be unexpected), but what I was saying was,, sadly, like how it usually is--fucking hilarious. So I'm eating her out and I look up and I make a joke about september 11th, and we start laughing, and then we go 'oh wait, we're supposed to be having sex'.
The best example though, was I was eating her out and I started humming on her clit because that's what people do in eroticas and this one instructional video I've seen. But then Ashley says "Wait, Ethan, is that the Fresh Prince themesong?" and I said "...it was the first thing I could come up with"
We do this for 3 hours and nothing happens because we keep on interrupting each other. Eventually we decide to go buy some weed so that we can get high and stop doing that, but none of the dealers are available, so we finally find a person at like 1 AM and we get back to my room, and she says she's not in the mood. I asked what was wrong, and she said that occasionally when she gets high she has flashbacks to when a high school boyfriend raped her while she was really intoxicated. Needless to say that really didn't help me, so we go to bed.
But it gets worse, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to note that for the rest of the story my roomate is inexplicably in the room, even though I said "So I'm having a chick over this weekend" and he said that he wouldn't be in the room much, and even though I had cleared out of the room and slept in a friends common room when he had his girlfriend over. So the sexual frustration of the last night gets worse because we don't have a chance to do it.
So one of my friends, Julie, had her birthday on the 12th, so we decided to go to it because it'd be fun. Now Julie has had a crush on Ashley from like the time they met a year ago. During the party Julie starts hitting on Ashley, and Ashley goes to me and says "hey, would you mind if I tell Julie she's attractive?" and I say "yeah" because I didn't think it would go to anything. After Ashley tells Julie that, Julie, oh wait, I forgot. Julie had been a professional dominatrix before. So Julie grabs Ashley by the neck and starts making out with her, which, needless to say, is awkward to everyone. Ashley then says she needs some air, and leaves. Julie, who was blackout drunk at this point, starts to tell me how amazing Ashley was at kissing, and I decide to leave for a while.
While I'm walking, I get a call from my mom. My mom says "Ethan, your great aunt died today, it was a heart attack." I knida stare blankly at the phone, not knowing why God chose this weekend to shit all over my life. Now I hadn't known my great aunt well, but this meant that I would have to go to a wake the next day, with the side of my family that I didn't particularly like.
I go back to Julies, and now the only people left are Ashley, me, Julie, and Julie's ex. Julie goes back to making out with Ashley, and Julie's ex and I just kinda try to make conversation around the fact that the women we are in love with are making out.
So eventually we go back to bed, and on sunday, my roomate is STILL IN THE ROOM. I am so fucking frustrated that I feel like beating the crap out of everything. I tell Ashley I'm going to be going into New York City with her, for a family meeting, not really wanting to say why. On the train ride, she tells me she thinks that my reaction to her making out with Julie was very immature, and that she didn't think it was going to work out.
Then I went to a wake.
I had a fucking amazing September 11th weekend.
epilogue--It took me nearly dying to realize that Ashley wasn't a good person for me, though this relationship did teach me to stop pursuing attractive crazy chicks, and to care more about personality than OH MAN NICE LEGS. Julie and I actually connected a lot, because she'd always been a bit of a dick to me, but these events made her realize how much of a dick she was precisely. Ashley and I made Christmas presents for each other, which I guess we'll exchange at our mutual friend's Christmas party. Said mutual friend had a crush on Ashley his whole life and isn't aware that I was screwing around with her.
Here in Australia, a country clearly lacking any form of deity, we invented these
Granted, they are usually in black
this is a vehicle specifically designed for fucking scary men's daughters
The least you could have done is gotten a:
and wacked some blankets in the toolbox in the back.
this is a vehicle specifically designed for fucking scary men's daughters
Years of watching Australian true crime shows have convinced me that these vehicles are specifically designed for scary men murdering other men's daughters.
Cyvros on
0
Options
The Black HunterThe key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple,unimpeachable reason to existRegistered Userregular
Another tale from work. I started about three weeks ago, and this is a short one from my first day. I'm helping a lady with printer ink. She has her young daughter with her.
I finish helping her, tell her to give me a yell if there's anything else I can help her with and begin to wander off to help other customers.
As I start to walk away, I am absolutely certain I hear her say softly, "I love you." In my peripheral vision, I can see that she's yet to turn away from facing me, so she's not addressing her daughter.
Two possibilities come immediately to mind. First one is that I misheard her. Second one is that she's my wife, and she and our daughter came back through time from twenty years in the future because I'd died suddenly and she wanted one last chance to see me. Third one is almost the same as the second one, only she wanted to have some kind of temporal threesome and lost her nerve.
There's obviously a fourth possibility that she just occasionally says things involuntarily, which is probably the right one.
About 9 years ago I was waiting for a bus after visiting my at-the-time girlfriend's place. I was 20 at the time, stood in the dark at the bus-stop in the middle of Woolton, Liverpool. There's a handful of people waiting at the stop with me, including this older fella (easily in his late fifties). He approaches me, asks for the time and then starts making small talk. Now, I'm an antisocial git but I try my best to be nice about it. I just smile and nod and occasionally reply in as few words as possible.
So then he asks where I'm going. I tell him I'm headed home (damned if I'm going to tell him where that is though). Then he wants to know if I have a girlfriend. I nod. He then - and this is where I get a bit creeped out - asks if I'd like to come back home with him to have drinks with him and his wife.
Now, alarm bells are going off somewhere. I wonder if this is just some innocent invitation to get an ageing couple some company. Or maybe it's an elaborate ploy to spice up their sex life. Or maybe there is no wife. So yeah, I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable but I'm too nice to tell this guy to back off.
About two minutes before the blessed 81 bus turns up, the guy reaches over to me and strokes the front of my shirt uttering, I kid you not, 'That's a really nice material'. And then he reaches into the gap between buttons and strokes my chest.
Officially freaked out, I take several steps backwards, avert my gaze in the most incredibly awkward way possible and pray for the swift arrival of aforementioned bus.
All of this might have faded away into some amusing anecdote to be dusted off and paraded around at parties. What makes it terrifying is that this guy was the spitting image of Ian McDiarmid from Star Wars.
EMPEROR PALPATINE WANTED TO TAKE ME HOME AND FUCK ME
That's all I've got for now.
Kneel on
Want to see more of Kneel's slapdash slatherings?
Visit him at Monstrous Pigments' Instagram and Facebook pages!
Posts
Not only can it be done, it can be done without even alcohol or desperation.
All it takes is 7 years, living in different states, and the worst possible timing in the world.
3DS FC: 5343-7720-0490
It mentioned all the space and facilities they have.
And the showers.
And the (from memory) 80 private workout areas.
"Why would they need privaOHHHHHHHH!"
There's a reference here that I probably should be ashamed to admit that I don't get.
I was thinking maybe there was an episode of Hey Arnold! that I'd missed.
But if you see Tom Arnold, run regardless.
It's a long story, and there were multiple 'trying out' periods and a few breakups, but we're getting married next year, and have been plenty happy the last few years out of high school. Life is good.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
It's like a little bird!
Crap now I feel obligated to provide embarrassment...
Oh! I went to a gig a couple of days ago and asked the girl behind the bar for some Gaymer's Pear Cider
"Oh, the cider, right?"
"Ummm...yeah?"
"Sorry, I'm not even sure why I asked that!"
we laugh
She starts to fill a pint from the draught and I point out that what she's pouring me is regular cider.
"Yeah...?"
"I asked for pear"
"No you didn't..."
"Yes I did?" *starting to doubt myself*
She giggles and goes off to get a bottle of pear from the fridges and brings back...
I point out that she's about to give me regular again, she looks puzzled then goes to get pear. Hooray!
Later in the night, the band are playing and she has to lean over the bar to hear me, I say Gaymer's pear almost directly into her ear, she looks at me, recognises me from last time, smiles coyly, and goes and picks up a bottle of regular then changes her mind to pear seconds before she pops the top and gives me a look of "tell me he didn't see that"
She was pretty embarrassed, I used is as a way to get to chatting before I met her after work :winky:
You didn't try to convince her that she said that she'd come home with you?
I went to a Catholic grammar school, complete with old fashioned, habit wearing, ruler-wielding nuns. The first grade teacher (nun) was notorious for being harsh with the kids (for example: "If you don't stop talking, the crows from the graveyard will come, grab your ear in their beak, and fly away so you'll never see your parents again"), and few people liked her. Who knows how she stayed in the school as long as she did. Anyway, I was pretty much always on her bad side for whatever reason, and occasionally caught some blows. My mom says I never told her as she would have pulled me out instantly if she had known, but whatever, I'm over it.
Eventually, it came time for the staple of every Christian grammar school, the Christmas Pageant! We'll all get to be on stage and say lines and people will clap! Lord help us if we mess up, though, or the crows will take us away. So, we spent a good deal of time practicing in the auditorium. I'd like to say at this point in my life that I was in fact toilet trained, but I ran into my fair share of problems, and was known at home to be a pee-er. Obviously, in front of my friends, I'd exercise more caution, though, right?
Well, we're rehearsing in the auditorium. The first grade section is set up in a way that we're all in a line, we each say a little piece, then go to the back of the line. I knew enough not to speak up while someone else was saying their line, so I decided to wait until it was my turn to say I needed to go to the bathroom. Everything goes fine and dandy, no accidents by the time I get up, and I inform the teacher that I need to go. "No! Say your line!"
"I really need to go to the bathroom." (It was probably more like "I gotta pee pee really bad!" but, whatever)
"Say your line!"
Well, ok, whatever, I'll say my line. I recite it, probably mess up, and move to the back of the line like a good little angel or whatever I was. The next person comes up, and complains of a wet floor.
This was the first time I used wetting myself as a form of revenge. Luckily, I only ever did it a few more times or it'd be hard to live down. It made high school great, when old friends would tell new friends of my pee-scapades..
When she gets off the train, we get on the bus, and Ashley says "Hey Ethan, what day is today?" And I go "Oh, it's September 11th...oh...oh god." We kinda giggle at that for a while, but it gets WORSE, ladies and gentlemen. When we get to my room we start hooking up, and i take her clothes off but I forget that the blinds are not closed. So a person is looking into my room at me banging this chick. I close the blinds and we try to get back to it. However, because of just the fucking stupid way I am, and because I'm constantly talking (though this was hot when we were doing this before, because it distracted her enough for anything I did to be unexpected), but what I was saying was,, sadly, like how it usually is--fucking hilarious. So I'm eating her out and I look up and I make a joke about september 11th, and we start laughing, and then we go 'oh wait, we're supposed to be having sex'.
The best example though, was I was eating her out and I started humming on her clit because that's what people do in eroticas and this one instructional video I've seen. But then Ashley says "Wait, Ethan, is that the Fresh Prince themesong?" and I said "...it was the first thing I could come up with"
We do this for 3 hours and nothing happens because we keep on interrupting each other. Eventually we decide to go buy some weed so that we can get high and stop doing that, but none of the dealers are available, so we finally find a person at like 1 AM and we get back to my room, and she says she's not in the mood. I asked what was wrong, and she said that occasionally when she gets high she has flashbacks to when a high school boyfriend raped her while she was really intoxicated. Needless to say that really didn't help me, so we go to bed.
But it gets worse, ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to note that for the rest of the story my roomate is inexplicably in the room, even though I said "So I'm having a chick over this weekend" and he said that he wouldn't be in the room much, and even though I had cleared out of the room and slept in a friends common room when he had his girlfriend over. So the sexual frustration of the last night gets worse because we don't have a chance to do it.
So one of my friends, Julie, had her birthday on the 12th, so we decided to go to it because it'd be fun. Now Julie has had a crush on Ashley from like the time they met a year ago. During the party Julie starts hitting on Ashley, and Ashley goes to me and says "hey, would you mind if I tell Julie she's attractive?" and I say "yeah" because I didn't think it would go to anything. After Ashley tells Julie that, Julie, oh wait, I forgot. Julie had been a professional dominatrix before. So Julie grabs Ashley by the neck and starts making out with her, which, needless to say, is awkward to everyone. Ashley then says she needs some air, and leaves. Julie, who was blackout drunk at this point, starts to tell me how amazing Ashley was at kissing, and I decide to leave for a while.
While I'm walking, I get a call from my mom. My mom says "Ethan, your great aunt died today, it was a heart attack." I knida stare blankly at the phone, not knowing why God chose this weekend to shit all over my life. Now I hadn't known my great aunt well, but this meant that I would have to go to a wake the next day, with the side of my family that I didn't particularly like.
I go back to Julies, and now the only people left are Ashley, me, Julie, and Julie's ex. Julie goes back to making out with Ashley, and Julie's ex and I just kinda try to make conversation around the fact that the women we are in love with are making out.
So eventually we go back to bed, and on sunday, my roomate is STILL IN THE ROOM. I am so fucking frustrated that I feel like beating the crap out of everything. I tell Ashley I'm going to be going into New York City with her, for a family meeting, not really wanting to say why. On the train ride, she tells me she thinks that my reaction to her making out with Julie was very immature, and that she didn't think it was going to work out.
Then I went to a wake.
I had a fucking amazing September 11th weekend.
epilogue--It took me nearly dying to realize that Ashley wasn't a good person for me, though this relationship did teach me to stop pursuing attractive crazy chicks, and to care more about personality than OH MAN NICE LEGS. Julie and I actually connected a lot, because she'd always been a bit of a dick to me, but these events made her realize how much of a dick she was precisely. Ashley and I made Christmas presents for each other, which I guess we'll exchange at our mutual friend's Christmas party. Said mutual friend had a crush on Ashley his whole life and isn't aware that I was screwing around with her.
Maybe she was saying "Love you" to her daughter?
I managed it a few weeks ago without any of those things. My friend/massive crush had come down to stay with a bunch of our mutual friends who shared a house in the same town as me, so I went to hang out as well. One thing led to another, and we all made a pillow fort out of the furniture, as you do. I was having so much fun that I decided to crash there rather than go home in the rain. That night, as my friend and I lay in the darkness on separate settees, I admitted my feelings for her, and accepted the very sweet rejection.
Luckily, she realised when she got home that she'd been wrong, returned a few weeks later to admit it, and we're now an item. Just goes to show that your best allies are a pillow fort, darkness to build up the nerve, and a breathing period afterwards.
Anyway, an embarrassing story. It kind of relates to this, as it happened when I was walking home from doing a bit of Christmas shopping for my girlfriend last week. I'd picked up a bottle of single malt and was interested in what the label had to say about it, so I was walking along while reading the side of the box. I was so engrossed that I didn't notice an oncoming lamppost until I walked straight into it. The bottle bounced off the lamppost and whacked me full in the face, cutting my lip open, but mercifully the bottle was unscathed.
So yeah, I managed to hit myself in the face with a bottle.
They tried to bury us. They didn't know that we were seeds. 2018 Midterms. Get your shit together.
1) the mental image of her nude with that hair makes me giggle
2) the temptation to ask if she gives tyedye blowjobs is overwhelming
Handmade Jewelry by me on EtsyGames for sale
Me on Twitch!
They tried to bury us. They didn't know that we were seeds. 2018 Midterms. Get your shit together.
I asked her if the carpet matched the drapes when she dyed it pink, she said no. Now it has at least 8 different colors in it, now that'd be matching dedication.
Handmade Jewelry by me on EtsyGames for sale
Me on Twitch!
Spawnbroker and I were in the West Point PX (post exchange) because he had to get some things before we headed to my house. We were looking at gloves for him, and I look up and see Peter (Ex) just staring at me with this creepy half smile on his face. He stares at Spawnbroker and I for a bit, and I stare back in complete shock (fuuuuccccck fuck fuck) and Peter then pokes me with a role of Christmas Wrapping paper and says "What? I'm not allowed to shop here?" and walks away.
According to Spawnbroker, he was apparently staring at me for a bit before he actually came UP to me and stared at me.
Jesus, what the FUCK.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
So a bunch of college friends and I are at the Wal-mart near campus. I'm the last person to pay for my stuff, and as I begin walking forward, I hear someone shout my name, so I turn around and wave.
You've probably guessed I walked into a support column for the building.
Normally, no big deal; but I am accelerating, and my face only makes it forward in time to receive the full force of the impact. This is also one of those reinforced metal columns, and it makes a satisfying (even to me!) clang. I lose my vision briefly as I fall on my back, shake it off, and stand up to the laughter of my friends. After we walk out, my head hurts and my friends are laughing at the gash over my eye which is bleeding slightly. I end up staying up a little later 'cause some worried people are telling me I'd better not go to sleep just yet, in case I have a concussion and don't wake back up.
Also, I decide to skip class the next day, as I'm feeling a little depressed. I looked up symptoms of a minor concussion, see it's on the list, and go home for a day 'cause I feel like it, since I guess it's as good of an excuse as any. I guess it was a possibility, I dunno.
But what always gets me about that situation is remembering the looks on the employee's faces as I got up from the floor. It wasn't amusement, concern, or anything like that, but...almost a wince of what was to come. As if I were going to jump up and begin shouting about a lawsuit. Really, having worked in retail/customer service, it's not something I wouldn't expect.
For a brief moment, I was both the victim of my clumsiness and their potential enemy. Very strange feeling.
The right answer was to hit him over the head with your own larger roll of wrapping paper and shout a resounding "NO!".
It's the only way they learn. That or shock collars.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
filled with mace.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
AXE would probably be more effective.
3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
(zing)
Here in Australia, a country clearly lacking any form of deity, we invented these
Granted, they are usually in black
this is a vehicle specifically designed for fucking scary men's daughters
The least you could have done is gotten a:
You silly yanks
Maybe her daughter said I love you to Cyvros
either way Cyvros needs to get laid
Hoo boy. I've got one o' them.
About 9 years ago I was waiting for a bus after visiting my at-the-time girlfriend's place. I was 20 at the time, stood in the dark at the bus-stop in the middle of Woolton, Liverpool. There's a handful of people waiting at the stop with me, including this older fella (easily in his late fifties). He approaches me, asks for the time and then starts making small talk. Now, I'm an antisocial git but I try my best to be nice about it. I just smile and nod and occasionally reply in as few words as possible.
So then he asks where I'm going. I tell him I'm headed home (damned if I'm going to tell him where that is though). Then he wants to know if I have a girlfriend. I nod. He then - and this is where I get a bit creeped out - asks if I'd like to come back home with him to have drinks with him and his wife.
Now, alarm bells are going off somewhere. I wonder if this is just some innocent invitation to get an ageing couple some company. Or maybe it's an elaborate ploy to spice up their sex life. Or maybe there is no wife. So yeah, I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable but I'm too nice to tell this guy to back off.
About two minutes before the blessed 81 bus turns up, the guy reaches over to me and strokes the front of my shirt uttering, I kid you not, 'That's a really nice material'. And then he reaches into the gap between buttons and strokes my chest.
Officially freaked out, I take several steps backwards, avert my gaze in the most incredibly awkward way possible and pray for the swift arrival of aforementioned bus.
All of this might have faded away into some amusing anecdote to be dusted off and paraded around at parties. What makes it terrifying is that this guy was the spitting image of Ian McDiarmid from Star Wars.
EMPEROR PALPATINE WANTED TO TAKE ME HOME AND FUCK ME
That's all I've got for now.
Visit him at Monstrous Pigments' Instagram and Facebook pages!
e: Wait, nine years ago? Dare I ask how you felt when you watched Episodes II and III? :P
Like my skin was crawling with tiny Palpatines, all wanting to climb under my shirt.
Visit him at Monstrous Pigments' Instagram and Facebook pages!
:winky:
Ugh.
Visit him at Monstrous Pigments' Instagram and Facebook pages!