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Step-father-in-laws and how to deal with em'.
Nakatomi2010
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
So, recently I had a baby (YAY!) and I've been growing more and more hatred towards my wife's step father.
Don't get me wrong, the guy is a great guy, from a distance, and so long as you don't have to get to know him. He's fantastic in a party setting, or any setting where putting on a show is important. But once you get to know him you discover he's really kind of an ass.
To elaborate I wil use the following examples:
- He got relatively pissed that my wife's mother came home with the wrong brand ice cream one day
- My wife decided to use a breast pump, and when I said she can't use it out there, and she replied with "why not" he turned around and said "Oh don't worry I've already seen your pussy, there's nothing else to hide" (This is referencing to the fact that he watched her give birth to my son.)
- He gets pissed if you try to talk to him about how he's being an ass
- He gets pissed if things aren't cleaned right, then proceeds to become obsessive about getting it cleaned
- Gets pissed if you don't bring back receipts.
- Reminded me to clean out the car on several occasions prior to my sons birth, in what I consider to be rude ways, that he thought was funny. ("Hey, there's a stipulation in our deed for this community that says hobos can't stay in people's cars." the garbage was not nearly that bad)
The dilemma here is that the guy is relatively well off, not as much as before the recession kicked in, he lost a fair amount of money there, but the fact remains that the primary reason my wife's mother is still with him is because she need not worry financially, as opposed to her previous husband.
Now, while I could certainly cripple his credibility within the family by pointing out his adult friend finder account, I cannot do so without pointing out that my wife's mother is on there with him. (Couple seeking others)
So, this leads to the dilemma that I have now. The guy is a grade A ass hole. I cannot talk to him about the type of ass hat he's being because if I do he tends to get pissy, which affects my wife's mothers mood, which affects my wife's mood, which in turn bites me in the ass. What's pissing me off right now is the that my wife is having to live with them until our house is done, and then her mother will be our day care, so not seeing him is not going to be easy.
Question becomes this, how does one let him know that he's being a complete and total douche bag, without actually talking to him?
Am I over reacting here? Do I have a proper reason to be pissed at this guy? I dunno, I am just reaching my ceiling here.
I am currently stuck single handedly packing a two bedroom apartment, while also cleaning it, keeping an eye on the house we're building, while making arragements to move into it, while trying to keep our finances in line until my wife can get back to work, while trying not to overly piss off this guy, or my wife... I'm just reaching the end of my rope here, and honestly, punching this guy to release anger is starting to seem like a good option.
Items of note:
- Dude has two of his own biological daughters, neither of which are much better than he is, of his "three" daughters, my wife is the first to give birth to a child.
- Dude does not financially support my wife like he does his own two biological daughters.
Long story short: Wife's step father is being a douche, is there anything I can politely do to properly illustrate the quantity of aggrevation he is causing me? Without upsetting family cohesion...
Don't get me wrong, the guy is a great guy, from a distance, and so long as you don't have to get to know him. He's fantastic in a party setting, or any setting where putting on a show is important. But once you get to know him you discover he's really kind of an ass.
To elaborate I wil use the following examples:
- He got relatively pissed that my wife's mother came home with the wrong brand ice cream one day
- My wife decided to use a breast pump, and when I said she can't use it out there, and she replied with "why not" he turned around and said "Oh don't worry I've already seen your pussy, there's nothing else to hide" (This is referencing to the fact that he watched her give birth to my son.)
- He gets pissed if you try to talk to him about how he's being an ass
- He gets pissed if things aren't cleaned right, then proceeds to become obsessive about getting it cleaned
- Gets pissed if you don't bring back receipts.
- Reminded me to clean out the car on several occasions prior to my sons birth, in what I consider to be rude ways, that he thought was funny. ("Hey, there's a stipulation in our deed for this community that says hobos can't stay in people's cars." the garbage was not nearly that bad)
The dilemma here is that the guy is relatively well off, not as much as before the recession kicked in, he lost a fair amount of money there, but the fact remains that the primary reason my wife's mother is still with him is because she need not worry financially, as opposed to her previous husband.
Now, while I could certainly cripple his credibility within the family by pointing out his adult friend finder account, I cannot do so without pointing out that my wife's mother is on there with him. (Couple seeking others)
So, this leads to the dilemma that I have now. The guy is a grade A ass hole. I cannot talk to him about the type of ass hat he's being because if I do he tends to get pissy, which affects my wife's mothers mood, which affects my wife's mood, which in turn bites me in the ass. What's pissing me off right now is the that my wife is having to live with them until our house is done, and then her mother will be our day care, so not seeing him is not going to be easy.
Question becomes this, how does one let him know that he's being a complete and total douche bag, without actually talking to him?
Am I over reacting here? Do I have a proper reason to be pissed at this guy? I dunno, I am just reaching my ceiling here.
I am currently stuck single handedly packing a two bedroom apartment, while also cleaning it, keeping an eye on the house we're building, while making arragements to move into it, while trying to keep our finances in line until my wife can get back to work, while trying not to overly piss off this guy, or my wife... I'm just reaching the end of my rope here, and honestly, punching this guy to release anger is starting to seem like a good option.
Items of note:
- Dude has two of his own biological daughters, neither of which are much better than he is, of his "three" daughters, my wife is the first to give birth to a child.
- Dude does not financially support my wife like he does his own two biological daughters.
Long story short: Wife's step father is being a douche, is there anything I can politely do to properly illustrate the quantity of aggrevation he is causing me? Without upsetting family cohesion...
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Nakatomi2010 on
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Really, though... if you don't want to make waves you'll have to suck it up.
that's why we call it the struggle, you're supposed to sweat
- Talk to your wife about how this guy bothers you. Ask her how she feels. Ask her to talk to her mother about it.
- Don't mention the adult friend finder account, ever.
- If all else fails, be civil, but if he pushes your buttons, let him know. This guy is acting like a baby.
All great advice but #2 is the kicker because now you are alienating the mom too and to be honest there sex life is not anyone's business.
I would probably cuff my own father for making a comment like that. The Dirty Old Man meter is reading awful high here.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Really, none of the stuff you posted push this man into asshole categorie.
Just because someone acts in a way that does not please you it does not equate them to douches or bad people.
Jezus Christ people, maybe the man just made a crude joke.
And while the guy made some crude jokes, I think he's a fucking hoot. Yeah, the pussy joke is a little creepy because he's the step dad and all but he wasn't serious. You're acting like he does all this in a serious manner. Just don't laugh at his jokes if you don't like them.
As an aside, I don't think he should be supporting your wife like he does his daughters. They're his daughters. Your wife is not his daughter.
@justinsane - you are correct but wrong at the same time - he is their father. Does the word 'stepfather' have the word 'father' in it? Whether blood or love means more to you is a different debate, however.
Now I don't necassarily disagree with you on whether he should be supporting her financially, thats what the husband is for right, but he is her Father.
pleasepaypreacher.net
This is what I was going to say. Are the other daughters married? If not, he probably doesn't feel like he needs to support her, that's not his job anymore.
None of this really sounds like it makes him an asshole, but it does make you sound immature for not being able to control your emotions at all. He's your wife's (step)father, he's family, and you need to learn to deal with it. There are plenty of people who don't like their in laws, but making waves about it is only going to hurt you.
I think age is definitely a factor, yes.
I was going to go on about this but it's thread derailing material so...yeah, besides the innappropriate 'pussy' comment here is what we have:
-what exactly is "relatively pissed"?
-eww
-of course he gets pissed. This is natural for most of humanity.
-I get pissed if things aren't cleaned up to my satisfaction. Again, how is he showing he is "pissed"
-I hate the word "pissed" now.
-different sense of humor from you, thats it.
If him being pissed is all towering anger and rage, then yes he is a douche.
If not, well, then I don't know what to tell you. You're sensitive?
pleasepaypreacher.net
That said, it sounds more like you need to get yourself in a Zen-er state than trying to "fix" this guy's dumbass behavior. Can you call on friends or afford to get some help in packing/moving, checking on the house, or other chores that'd ease some of your stress? I know my capability to put up with crap drops drastically when I've had a full day, never mind a full couple of weeks or months.
Dude does sound like an asshole, but I think you're feeling abnormally stressed out about it because of your current life situation. Furthermore, he might be a little more rude to you guys because you're stuck there waiting for your house to be built, which can put people on edge over things that normally wouldn't be an issue.
Ask your wife how she sees it, and if she does, ask her how she puts up with it. And while you can respond with "dude wtf" if he's an asshole to you directly, for no real reason, you probably don't want to step in to defend everyone else. They are likely used to his behavior and it doesn't even phase them -- just "dad being weird again."
I do bring up many of these issues to my wife, and she essentially tells me to just ignore them. Sadly these issues don't phase her, but I do see them as being wrong. I can see it in how my wife and her mother react to the responses that they're tired of them too, but they're used to it, while I'm not.
It just really aggrevates me that this guy is making my weekend visits with my wife and son so miserable by just being a general dick about things, I mean until the end of September, when I move into my new house, I have to deal with him...
Unfortunately I'm not in a position to be able to get with friends and decompress, most I can do is watch a movie at night, followed by packing a couples boxes of stuff...
I can't really go to my wife for support now anyways because she's exhausted and not getting any sleep while caring for our son, so there's no "I'm more stressed than you are" factor because we're both stressed, and this guy is starting to grate on both of us...
I've tried getting into a more zen state, but I'm too focused on the well being of my wife and son...
Suppose this weekend is going to just be more compounded by a visit from relatives up north, which is going to put him into a cleaning binge where all the dog hair off the hardwood floor will have to be vacuumed every time the guests leave to keep up the appearance of pristine cleanliness...
I dunno, I'm just maxing out on the level of crap I can take at this point...
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I didn't mean going out with people (which is not a bad idea if you can swing it, even once a month), but getting them to come over and help. When my best friend had her kids, I tried to do everything I could to help out, even if it was watching the kid(s) for an hour while she showered and relaxed a little, or walked the dogs, or just let her talk to another adult for a little while; packing is hardly an uncommon "Hey, if you come help out, I'll order pizza" activity, either.
I'm a fairly private person who spends the bulk of his time online in some form or fashion, not to mention that our apartment is somewhat in a disarray that I'd rather not show anyone... I'm trying my hardest to get it cleaned up, but the only way to do that right is to pack it...
It's not so much about needing to get help, as much as just a time/money equation.
I would LOVE to spend 7 days a week with my wife, but we have three cats at the apartment who need feeding, not to mention a fuel expenditure that needs to stay as reduced as possible, as a severe lack of trust in my neighbors to the point of my purchasing a webcam to monitor my front door while I'm away (Which also provides much fun when the cats horse around)...
I can't really do gaming, my usual tension relief, as I need to be packing at night, while getting other things done, not to mention in order to cut costs further while my wife is on maternity leave I've killed our FiOS package since the contract expired anyways...
Imagine living in Limbo, between utter happiness and despair, and no matter what you do, you're stuck there for a period of time of which you have no control over...
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Your step-father is just a symptom. I think that seeing someone to talk to would benefit you most, the more you reveal to us.
I'm not the easiest person to get along with, but once you get to know me, and understand how I work, I'm quite awesome, it's just breaching that outter layer that's a bitch... Honestly the only people to do it properly are INFJs and INTJs (Meyer briggs personality types)... Seems weird, but it's true... Mostly the INFJs....
Not that that's either here nor there, just an FYI...
I'd go more in depth, but honestly that'd be straying from what the thread is about, and there are several folks who'd probably just make rash and somewhat impolite remarks given the subject and content matter...
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I just smile and nod, even though I know that I'm more capable at this sort of thing than he is. I suspect he knows it too but he's a proud man. To be honest I often feel similarly when something I thought I did properly is pointed out or becomes obviously impractical. My suggestion is to try and relate with the guy, you mentioned the economic situation has shaken him a little (as it has done to everyone) and he may just be casting about for something that he can control so he feels a bit safer, humans do that sort of thing.
The guy is obviously lacking in social graces at some points, but one might imagine someone who is:
Might also come off as lacking in social graces. I know that likely sounds insulting but it gets back to my suggestion of relating to this guy. You two might be more alike than you would care to admit, we all tend to hold people to a more stringent standard than we do ourselves. If for no other reason do it for your wife and your kid, they deserve a relationship with this guy if they want it and it seems as if your wife certainly does. This may be one of the times where you really have to be the bigger man and just put up with the annoyances that your step-father-in-law tosses your way.