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Getting over assholes.
KingSpike
Registered User regular
Registered User regular
I'll try to keep this as short as possible because I'm pretty good at rambling unnecessarily. I work at a restaurant as a bartender and server and have had an incident both last night and tonight that are incredibly frustrating to me.
Last night I had to cut off a regular because he had had too much and was getting obnoxious. Well, even more obnoxious. Anyways, he didn't take too kindly too it and accused the restaurant of racism (he's black). He then left and called at least 15 times harassing us, asking us if we serve blacks and if we mistreat them. In no way did I do anything that my manager thought was uncalled for. I do not feel that I did anything wrong.
Tonight I had a girl who was celebrating her 21st birthday. We do not give a free drink or anything the night of the birthday. We don't want to be the restaurant that pushes them over the edge. Personally I have no issue with it, but it's not my call. So I tell them that I can't give them a free shot or anything, but I can give them four cards that are worth a free drink the next time they come in. This girl flips out and immediately talks to the manager, saying the service is bad, they've been waiting forever for their drinks, blah blah blah. She clearly wanted to get something for free. In the end, I gave them the cards even though she made it clear they'd never come back and then stiffed me. Basically every time I walked by she made a snide remark.
Now, I know I am not a racist. I know I am not a bad server. Clearly both of these people are being assholes. But I just can't let it go. I can't stop replaying things in my head, trying to figure out if there was some magic thing I could do to make everyone happy. I understand that it's nothing personal against me and that it's something I should just get over. Logically I should just move on and not let it get to me. But it still does.
I guess my question is, how do you guys (and gals) get past some idiot acting like this?
Thanks for your time.
Last night I had to cut off a regular because he had had too much and was getting obnoxious. Well, even more obnoxious. Anyways, he didn't take too kindly too it and accused the restaurant of racism (he's black). He then left and called at least 15 times harassing us, asking us if we serve blacks and if we mistreat them. In no way did I do anything that my manager thought was uncalled for. I do not feel that I did anything wrong.
Tonight I had a girl who was celebrating her 21st birthday. We do not give a free drink or anything the night of the birthday. We don't want to be the restaurant that pushes them over the edge. Personally I have no issue with it, but it's not my call. So I tell them that I can't give them a free shot or anything, but I can give them four cards that are worth a free drink the next time they come in. This girl flips out and immediately talks to the manager, saying the service is bad, they've been waiting forever for their drinks, blah blah blah. She clearly wanted to get something for free. In the end, I gave them the cards even though she made it clear they'd never come back and then stiffed me. Basically every time I walked by she made a snide remark.
Now, I know I am not a racist. I know I am not a bad server. Clearly both of these people are being assholes. But I just can't let it go. I can't stop replaying things in my head, trying to figure out if there was some magic thing I could do to make everyone happy. I understand that it's nothing personal against me and that it's something I should just get over. Logically I should just move on and not let it get to me. But it still does.
I guess my question is, how do you guys (and gals) get past some idiot acting like this?
Thanks for your time.
KingSpike on
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I fume for about a day and then I generally feel a little better. If you know you are not a rascist/asshole then you should feel better. People are jerks and I have learned to live with this fact now.
At this point, I don't care what people think of me and I feel better for it. Just chin up and know that you are the better person, they'll get theirs eventually.
At every single restaurant-birthdays I have been to, there has always, without exception, a free drink on the house. Sometimes even a desert on top of that.
It's a terrible, terrible decision on part of your management to not do it.
The thing is though, that she blamed him for the problem and complained that she got shitty service and stuff which didn't actually happen. She can be upset and buy a drink, or she can be an ass and make shit up about the guy.
My advice is to only put up with a certain amount, you'll lose your soul letting people act like that toward you for too long. There's typically a middleground you can find where you can keep customers in line while still being polite. Find where that line is at your bar, and maintain some order.
It may seem like an asshole decision on the management's part, and honestly we've made exceptions before, but for the most part we don't want to be the bar that was considered the place that put them over the line. One of my owners used to go so far as to not serve people on the night of their birthday, but tell them to come back a week later and he'd take half off their tab. Do I always agree with it? No. Like I said, we have sometimes made an exception when people are cool enough. But this girl walked in, expected something for free and flipped out when she didn't get it.
It's honestly beside the point, because if she disagreed with the policy, she could have gone somewhere else (which she did, after being a huge bitch about it all). She could have voiced her concerns in a calm manner, but did not. Anyways, that's not the point of this thread.
Example:
Girl Why are you asking for my Id, is it because I'm black?
You No ma'am we do it for everyone who writes a check, it's our policy.
Girl You're policy for black people!
At that point you can try to either defend your position or just let it go, if you defend theres always that chance it could escalate, but if you more or less politely ignore her, 95% of the time it won't.
I still think about times I was degraded when I worked in retail 10 years ago, so you may not fully get over it ever. Just look at it as free firsthand education in class and inter-class antagonism, and an opportunity to self-reflect. And a little racial dynamic to boot.
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*obnoxious remark*
Hey. Know when to draw the line.
Granted, its hard to write out perfect delivery, but it it had just the right amount of stern "Maybe you've had enough." vibe to it, and the result was glorious.
As for asshats, despite the work of many scientists, there still is no cure. The only way in the short term to make a demanding person happy is to cave, at least in some way, and if you aren't in a position to do so, then it sucks to be you.
There is a technique, which you've probably already heard, known as the 'OREO Cookie.'
It works a little something like this:
First, you get the feeling that they want something you can't give them. Now generally, theres a good reason for it. In your case for example, in some states free drinks are illegal because alchohol is a poison, and if you gave it to them for free, you would be guilty of a felony - poisoning. In others, its because drinking is legal, but being drunk is not legal, and it is also illegal for an establishment to get a client drunk, because then the establishment would be guilty by accessory. By purchase, the client is making thier own judgement call, and the establishment, unless drunkeness is obvious, is absolved.
But I digress. Spot what they are looking for, know why they can't have it.
Now make them ask for it. This may require you being a bit thick. Don't be afraid of looking dumb, people like dumb, it makes them feel worthy, confidant and superior to you. Its a great setup. Learn to slough it off. Are you stupid? Yes, I am sorry, I am stupid. When the stupid people were being made, God slapped a sign on me that said "This guy." I don't quite get what you are asking for, you have to spell it out for me.
Oh! You want something illegal/toxic/frowned upon in sixteen states? Oh, I am terribly sorry, but that wouldn't be good for you, for us, or for anybody. Hey, its not me, I love you. You're the bomb. Is it your special day? Happy special day! You are awesome. I'll tell you what, even though I can't break the law/get fired for you, I think that your inherent awesomeness should be rewarded. You are awesome, aren't you? I thought so. If fact, I know so.
Where was I? Oh right. Spot the desire, play up to get specifics. Then fold the desire of the person back in on itself by manipulating the why/because scenario to create a paradox.
e.g. I want a free drink because I am so very very special.
Twist: Having this free drink would make you unwanted and unspecial.
Omigod, personal conflict! Whatever shall I do, wherever shall I go?
Watch the eyes, or listen for a gluttural stop - if you've done the twist right, you will actually see or hear these two ideas meeting head on in a spectacular collision. This sound or look, this exact moment is when the brain hits a stall and is very open to suggestion. The moment the twist hits is your moment of personal hypnosis, then all there is left to do is take advantage of the moment, and offer up something positive. Anything will do, as long as it is an immediate and tangible good.
Your gift cards or whateverthefuck won't cut it. They are a future good, an intangible. You need to come up with something you can offer on the spot. Again, anything will do. A friggen cupcake and candle is better than the mere promise of something. You can't enjoy a promise in the moment, and in the service industry, you are there to facilitate the moment. If you fail to do so, then you'll get called on bad service.
When it comes to service, people decide whether they like you first and then report things that support that theory - true or untrue. This knife, fortunately enough cuts both ways. The people who like you will praise you for shit you ain't never done, and the people who don't will come up with negatives of the same. Really, it has nothing to do with reality, its just the bullshit that comes to mind when the client is asking themselves 'What can I say to make this person look good? or conversly, "What can I say to assrape this guy in front of his superior?"
Again I find myself on a tangent. Look for the desire, play up to have it specified, reaffirm the clients value, paint the negative situation as being victims to a larger cause, reaffirm the clients value, offer something tangible in return.
No, two reaffirmations is not a typo - clients are insecure and whiny sons of bitches who take nice words for granted and need to be hit up twice fast and hard to feel the hammer of iCare decend upon their shallow and existential ways. This is where the term 'OREO' comes from, the negative bit is sandwiched between two immediate positives. I know, it doesn't make sense, the icing is the best part.
Personally, I think of the twist or fold as the real icing, that's the part that takes experience and skill to work effectively. That mental hiccup, that piece of social paradox, the 'Golden Silence', whatever you want to call it, is the key in effectively manipulating people. And it works on everyone, no matter how bright or charismatic. In fact, the more intense the personality, the more outrageous the resultant manipulations can be.
But I digress. And so the end: Be aware, bring to a head, anesthetize the victim, lquickly lance the boil and cram 'em up with a lollypop before they feel the sting. Add on something extra to tip the opinion decidedly to your favor and voila! Unpleasentness is handled in a way that makes you look even better than if it never happened.
Literally, I once had a woman try to return a phone that clearly had been used for at least a year. I also had another woman try to return a trapper keeper that had been used for several years.
A good deal of people are asses. I have also worked as a server before, same thing. People are mostly fucked up.
The thing I always try to remember: Try to think of the good times. Human nature dictates us thinking of the worst every time. There are good times too...
When you get a stupid ass customer, try and remember the nice, good tipping, person you had earlier in the night. I am sure you had more than one. Just try to keep positive, and recall the times you had good experiences.
Perhaps I didn't word myself clearly enough, however, because I'm not looking for help in dealing with assholes in the heat of the moment. I think that I did ok in handling both situations. True, I could have handled it better, but that's not what gets me.
I am watching the Prestige at this very moment. And yet still this girl eats at me. I am back here reading replies, thinking about it more, even though I should have just moved on 2 seconds after that girl walked out of the restaurant.
I'm curious as to what people do to move past it eating at you, assuming it does at all. Watch a movie? Workout? Spank it? I need some new tips and tricks to get past shit like this because it gets to me far more than it should.
In other words, what helps you let it go?
[edit]
That is very true. I did have a couple excellent tippers and some nice people throughout the night. I do try to stay positive, but at the end of the night I am still sitting here letting this shit eat away at me.
Then I go out with my friends or by myself and do something nice for someone, generally somebody I don't even know. Something that takes a bit of effort. Kind of like a kharmic eraser. Just as there are bad people out there being jerks, there needs to be good people out there being good. Its easier to believe that there are good people out there if you know that you are one of them.
It's weird, but helping people makes me sleepy. Usually by the time I get up it's stopped bothering me.
I worked at Vons (for those of you not in California, this is Safeway) for about a year at the bottom of the barrel, Courtesy Clerk. I'm the guy who bags groceries, helps the old ladies out to their cars, rounds up the carts in the parking lot, and cleans up that spilled juice on aisle 12. Oh yeah and "go backs". You know when people get to the register and suddenly realize they don't want that bottle of shampoo anymore? Yeah, somebody's gotta walk that shit back to the shelve and put it back. Consequently I dealt with a lot of crap from asshole customers.
Anyhow, here's an example of how I just tried to spin stuff to not bother me.
At our store we had 3 electric shopping carts for the disabled. For most of the time I worked there, one of the carts didn't work right (brakes were shot and it couldn't turn properly) so it just stayed in the back.
Saturday morning, one of several peak grocery shopping periods: Old lady comes in, totally walking fine. Now if she had some kind of muscular disease, or severe arthritis, I'm sorry. But no cane, no walker, and a completely normal gate screams "not handicapped" to me. I'm the closest peon and she asks me where the electric shopping carts are. None are at the front so I assume they're either in the back of the store charging or being used. I tell her I'll go check the back. No carts there except the bum one, I come back and tell her in the politest possible way that
"Both of our carts appear to be in use at the moment, I can do nothing but wait for one of them to become available."
She explodes into a rage, as if it would be better if I went and found one of the customers using the electric cart and gone "Sorry buck-o, got me a real VIP up at the front.", forcibly ejected them from the cart, and then brought it to her.
She goes to my manager, clearly I'm to blame. Big surprise, they say the exact same thing to her. As she brushes past me out of the store I hear her say in a muttered voice (but clearly meant to be heard by me)
"well I'm never coming back here, I'm going to Pavilions!"
For those not in the know, Pavilions is owned by Safeway...which owns Vons.
I just smile on the inside because even though she was a total bitch, she really should research corporate structure before trying to make a snide remark. But hey, go support our not-competition, I don't really give a fuck.
That's what you have to do. The snotty bitch who wanted a free drink? Do you really want clientele like that in your bar? Probably not. Bright side? She won't be coming back.
See, that's one of the funny things about it. The guy who was bartending tonight wrote her off in two seconds. He told me "She's just a bitch, fuck her."
He's also the guy that almost all the staff thinks is one of the worst workers there in terms of actual work done and quality treatment of customers. I'm not at the point (nor do I really ever want to be) where I care so little about my job that I can easily do that.
Thanks so far for all the pointers, it's already helping. I think having someone or some place to vent frustrations outside of the regular work people that I talk to helps as well.
Seriously ege, that was such an asshole thing to say.
Easiest way to do that, in my opinion, is to do something that makes you think. It could be doing a puzzle, it could be playing a game, it could be going to a forum, whatever. Tv, movies, music, those are the worst for me because i find it really easy to get distracted and focus on my problems.
If its really eating away at you, talk to someone. Whenever i have a really shitty day at work and i just cant fucking let it go, ill call one of my friends and casually bring it up, vent for a minute, and then let it go and continue on with a more positive conversation. You can both talk about what an asshole the other guy was and youll feel better. Or atleast youll feel validated. I guess thats sort of what youve done here, except its in writing so you can go back and re-read it over and over again going over each detail, so its not exactly as helpful.
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That's true, and I can't tell you how many times I've done that with one thing or another, not even "angry threads." I decided to post this time because I saw a greater good coming out of this thread, as opposed to just venting and then coming back to it later to dig it all up.
You know what you can do when some asshole treats you like shit? Reflect on how this person treats a lot of people like shit. And they will all think he's an asshole, and they will dislike him, and in general any friendships he has will be shallow, meaningless things. He will be a lonely, unloved person. His assholishness is its own punishment. You, on the other hand, are a good fellow, well-liked, and steeped in others' goodwill. You are a winner, and he is a loser. Fuck him - let him have his ephemeral perception of some sort of "victory" against you. He's still an asshole loser who nobody really likes.
It's corny, but it works like a charm for me.
http://www.thestar.com/ActsKindness/article/124892
They asked to speak to the manager, who basically said, "Ok, sorry." The girl was clearly trying to get something for free, and my manager was honestly having issues holding back laughter. The girl even said "You don't look too concerned about this."
Unfortunately, that's about as far as that specific manager will ever go. I would have loved to have heard her say "Sorry, you can just leave then."
It also helps to vent sometimes, like you're doing here. Vent to someone at work who also deals with this stuff all the time, I'm sure they'd understand.
This is similar to what I have been taught about dealing mentally with asshole customers. Just remember that you only had to deal with them for a few minutes. They have to deal with themselves for their whole lives.
There is no emotion; there is peace. There is no ignorance; there is knowledge. There is no passion; there is serenity. There is no death there is the Force.
This is something I've had to get used to over the years of customer service (in whatever form or fashion) that I've worked.
Honestly, if this person is treating you, and complete stranger, like crap; imagine how he/she treats their loved ones. It makes me feel a lot better.
Working out directly before or after work helps me out a lot too. Especially after. I focus on what pissed me off and suddenly I'm lifting more weight than usual or running farther than normal. And by the time you're done with your workout, you're tired, you feel good, and damn a shower sounds pretty nice.
Of course, there's other anger/stress management methods. The cooler at a restaurant I worked at probably still has a bunch of dents inside on the wall from where I went back there and punched it in frustration from time to time. Dealing with drunks is the hardest, and I salute you mr. OP.
Agreed, you don't get paid enough to deal with that crap, your manager does. But from the sounds of it, the OP's boss didn't really do much to alleviate the problem.