As was foretold, we've added advertisements to the forums! If you have questions, or if you encounter any bugs, please visit this thread: https://forums.penny-arcade.com/discussion/240191/forum-advertisement-faq-and-reports-thread/
Options
Jordyn's DCAU: Absolute Power, page 6!
Jordyn
Really, Commander?Probing Uranus. Registered User regular
Really, Commander?Probing Uranus. Registered User regular
I've barely had time to read my weekly issues these days, guys, but for some reason lately I've been gripped with the urge to write. But not real writing, the sort of writing that's just crap spewing forth onto the keyboard while I watch cartoons. Or, as you'll hopefully find out tomorrow, read comic books. But that's another story. And I hate stories, so I won't tell it.
Last time I tried this, I did three a week for a while, along with tons of other stuff. Yikes, what the fuck, how many drugs was I doing? I had something along the lines of 5 done when I first made the thread!
This time I have one done. I just finished it about 10 minutes ago. And you'll get the next one when you get it!
Old ones are still in my LJ, and these'll go up there too.
Anyway here goes. OH GOD I'M CLICKING SUBMIIIIIIIT.
Last time I tried this, I did three a week for a while, along with tons of other stuff. Yikes, what the fuck, how many drugs was I doing? I had something along the lines of 5 done when I first made the thread!
This time I have one done. I just finished it about 10 minutes ago. And you'll get the next one when you get it!
Old ones are still in my LJ, and these'll go up there too.
Anyway here goes. OH GOD I'M CLICKING SUBMIIIIIIIT.
Jordyn on
0
Posts
(Or maybe "THE FAMILY NAME: DON'T FUCKING RUIN IT!")
I Am The Night opens with Batman sitting on this chair made out of stone or something sticking out of the wall of the cave. What the hell? Batman, I don't really think that chair is naturally occurring rock formation in that cave. Did you carve it or something? Why are you sitting in such a terrible chair?
Alfred brings him some food, and a newspaper and Batman is just being all kinds of mopey. He cries a little about oh, everything sucks, and they don't keep anyone in jail EVER. Batman asks Alfred if he "has it" and Alfred hands him a box containing two roses. He takes the box and leaves.
Downtown some little sniveling dude is all strutting around the bus stop when he asks a couple guys if they could spare some change, so he can get bus fare home. The guy is like, uh sure and and the little shit acts like he is just SUPER CLEVER for this ruse. Bus fare? HA! HE IS NOT EVEN GETTING ON THAT DAMN BUS! HA HA! He takes the four coins the guy gave him then, and throws all four in the air, and then catches all four as they come back down..
What in the fuck, how? Go try this, do it. IT IS IMPOSSIBLY DIFFICULT.
In another part of town, Bullock and Gordon are waiting on Batman so they can bust the Jazzman. Batman though, is meeting Leslie Thompkins in Crime Alley to leave those roses where his parents were killed. He ponders why he keeps doing this, and Leslie tries to make him feel better but he's just like eeeeh.
Nearby, two goons are moving in on that little dude whose name is apparently Wizard. They want their cut for letting him work that corner. Really? You want your cut of those four coins he got tonight? You really think he's making a killing pretending he needs bus fare? They're gonna start beating up on him, when Batman hears the trouble and pounces in to make with some beating ups. He does some sweet grapple hook action when OH MY GOD ONE OF THE GOONS LANDED ON THE ROSES!
NOTHING IS GOING RIGHT TODAY.
He grabs Wizard who was like, thanks but fuck you man! Batman asks Leslie if there's room for him in the mission, and she's like, haha yessssss there totally is!
Gordon and Bullock? STILL waiting for Batman.
At the mission now, Batman is saying goodbye to Leslie who tells him he should go to bed and he explain that he doesn't need sleep, ever ever ever ever don't tell him what to do.
Gordon and Bullock? Growing ever impatient, when Bullock insists that they need to go right now even though Batman ain't there yet. The bust turns out to be a set up, as the Jazzman and his goons have loads of guns and were totally ready for the cops. Batman shows up finally and helps take them out, with some more sweet grapple action. But after capturing the Jazzman, Bullock turns to show the prize to Commish who is oh no! Lying on the sidewalk! No idea when in the fight that happened, but ok!
They rush him to the hospital, and Batman's day has gone from BAD to WORSE.
He climbs in the giant window of Gordon's hotel room and starts weeping to himself when Barbara joins him. Bullock then rushes in and starts making wild accusations at Batman. Like why didn't he tell them it was a set up? He's supposed to know! Oh he didn't know? Well then this is ALL HIS FAULT. So...Bullock hates Batman when he does help. Hates him when he apparently doesn't help. What could he do that would be ok with Bullock? I have no idea.
Batman leaves to find somewhere else to sulk and Bullock shakes his fist at him in anger.
The cave seems like an excellent place to wallow, and Batman just starts going crazy and throwing things and smashing things and ripping stuff out of the ground and going craaaazy and the place is just trashed now, man.
Jazzman's been sent to the penitentary to await trial, but is determined to bust out and finish off Gordon.
Dick has now decided to take a crack at cheering up Batman, who has apparently just been wandering around in the cave for like three days. Hey buddy, how's it going? Wanna go play catch? Go fishing? Eh? Grapple hook around town? Batman complains that he doesn't do ANY good and people just get hurt and he does more good for the tourist industry! Dick doesn't bother to point out that tourism is a large industry that probably really appreciates Batman's contributions. Batman gets more and more angry until finally he grabs his cowl, rips it off and throws it down one of the caves deep caverns!
Dick thinks to himself, "I am NOT getting that back out for you."
Jazzman meanwhile is sneaking himself out of the jail in the freakin' laundry. Thanks guys. What a fucking bunch of morons running this place, honestly. Don't even check that shit, that's cool. I imagine that's how EVERYONE has escaped and they're just fucking stumped how it keeps happening.
Barbara and Dick are sitting in the Commissioner's hotel room worrying about the Jazzman's escape. Dick says there's only person who can help him now, and Barbara says "you're talking about Batman?" "I hope so," Dick replies. I wonder if Barbara ever thought to herself, Dick sure talks like he knows Batman a lot.
Dick goes to tell Bruce to shut the fuck up, quit his fucking sulking about and put his goddamn suit on. Bruce is too busy sitting in a robe and reading some papers to care.
These papers are important. They're probably not. They're probably blank. Or poetry. Probably poetry. GODDAMMIT BATMAN, Dick proclaims and decides that he's gonna go do this shit himself. He's about to take off on his motorcycle when ooooooooh man! Batman's got his suit on! Yay! Go get him Batman! Then put your robe back on though. Or just take your suit off, that'd be fine.
At the hospital, Jazzman has managed to get up the window washer's platform thing and is about to shoot Gordon when a batarang flies in hits his gun! They fight on the platform and then crash through the window. There's some major tussling, when Jazzman pulls his gun? Maybe a different gun. Everything goes to slooooooooo-mooooooooo. He points at Gordon! Oh no! Barbara diiiiiiiiives in the way! Oh no! Batman pulls out his bataraaaaaaang! Oh nooooooooo! He...he's throooowing iiiiit. Oh god, it's flying through the air!
IT GOES RIGHT INTO THE BARREL OF THE GUN.
YOU ARE A GOLDEN GOD BATMAN.
He stands on Jazzman's defeated body and beats his chest while grunting.
The sound of a gun going off finally wakes the commissioner up, who says some uplifting stuff to Batman. Awww.
Batman leaves and his heading home to clean up the mess he'd made in the cave, when...well goddammit, Wizard is BACK on that damn CORNER. He stops in about to kick his ass, when Wiz tells him he's...actually got bus fare and he's actually going home. Huh. He credits Batman for his reformation and Batman feels so warm and fuzzy inside he almost grows a pony right in his stomach. Fuck it, he thinks. I am painting rainbows in the cave.
And I'm getting a sweet cushion for my stone chair!
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
Tumblr Twitter
Is he gonna sneeze? Eat the rose? I don't know!
Glad to see you back, Jordyn!
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Are those jazz sounds
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
Maybe he's into scat
Also, Jordyn:
TylerJ on League of Legends (it's free and fun!)
Do you plan on doing something like this with episodes of the "Brave and the Bold" series?
It wouldn't be as fun, because Batman is less emo and the hijinks are usually intended.
Anyways, I watched the Batman: TAS episode "The Cape and Cowl Conspiracy" the other day, and it is ludicrous.
Some guy is like "Give me your cape and cowl or this lady gets run over by a train!" and Batman's like "Fuck you, I value my clothing more than this woman's life!" and somehow manages to get to her in time to find out she's a hologram. He also wears a mask under his mask during the episode.
He where's a mask under his mask because he knows he'll be caught - Bruce Wayne hired the goon to capture Batman.
.....wasn't The Animated Series set in the 40s or so? In a time when everyone had a black and white TV, using holograms sure seems impressive.
And now that you mention it, I do recall their TVs being in black and white. But I guess it's the same thing as how people shoot laser guns and have machine suits capable of mass destruction even though comics are set "now".
The Bat-computer notwithstanding.
edit: in other words, don't worry about when it takes place, it didnt happen on earth.
hurrrrrrrr
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
I know some episodes have bars so the show might be set after Prohibition. But then all the mobsters use Tommy guns and everyone in a suit wears a hat. So...the show is set in the early 50s?
It's not that hard.
The TIME is whenever, the setting is inspired by the 1940's. There's no dates, they never say who the president is, it takes place whenever.
Just like how the DCAU Batman is the only correct Batman.
I'm not saying this just because I used to watch Batman:TAS every day while doing my homework back when I was a fifth-grader.
Selina stop licking yourself
Stop it
Right now
Stop
Amazon Wishlist: http://www.amazon.com/BusterK/wishlist/3JPEKJGX9G54I/ref=cm_wl_search_bin_1
It's a little-known fact that Gotham is actually Dark City.
Also science labs.
The episode Ascension opens at...a warehouse! For a company called Plastech. The dudes are robbing it, and you can tell they're robbing it because they just ripped the door open.
Blight is there, doing his glowing thing and part of his suit his ruined. Mostly the sleeves because I guess his forearms are the hottest parts. Still that jacket ain't getting worn again, and the next time he Blights out, he just ruins whatever jacket he has on and how many jackets is he going through? Has he thought of taking his clothes off beforehand? I dunno, I'm really starting to ramble here and we're not even through the opening scene yet.
So they're stealing plastic crap and it's going just great, until Batman shows up because he's Batman, and you're a glowing man standing in a ripped open doorway like a goddamn beacon for authority figures. A fight ensues, and breaks up the robbery, despite Blight shooting radioactive plasma blasts at Batman. He doesn't get away with much though, and one of his goons is crushed by a bunch of barrels, and gets left behind. Terry throws the barrels off him and grabs him when a Wayne-Powers security badge falls out of the goon's jacket.
Curious, no?
At, I dunno, some place with his crazy scientists, Blight is getting ready to get another skin put on him. I can't help but wonder about, ya know...his junk. Does he still have it? If he does, I imagine it would get uh "skinned" like the rest of him, but if he doesn't, does he get fake junk made? Does he get the Ken Doll? If's he gettin' the Ken doll how does he pee?
He's gotta still have junk...
Ok well the scientist guys are like, you're almost out of skin and you're going through it faster and faster and your temper is just fucking crazy, totally goddamn crazy. Powers FREAKS OUT. I KNOW I HAVE A BAD TEMPER WHAT THE FUCK I AM RADIOACTIVE NOW I'M GETTING IT EVERYWHERE LOOK WHAT YOU DID. He tells the scientist guys that they're stupid and he's gonna make other arrangements. The scientists hide their hurt feelings.
Now we're in uh...some Spanish-speaking country and some protestors are yelling "PAXTON POWERS POLLUTER" outside a building. Up on a high floor, a dude, Paxton Powers is looking down at them, and thinking about just throwing his lunch wrapper right off the balcony just to be a dick. A lady with a fancy suit that Two-Face would pop a double boner for:
tells Paxton that he needs to go back to Gotham and visit his daddy, Derek Powers.
BEE TEE DUB.
DEREK POWERS IS BLIGHT.
So Paxton does, and he's in the car talking to Powers. These two guys are a couple of huge assholes, trying hard to out asshole each other. Powers informs Paxton that he's going to put him in charge of Wayne-Powers. Paxton is like, whatever, you're an asshole and Powers is like, I KNOW I AM AND CHECK OUT MY GLOWY EYES!
He douses Paxton with eye radiation and Paxton recoils in horror. Powers reaches down to his wrist and rips off a chunk of flesh. Ew! Oh god it's all glowy there too! Why are you doing this, Dad? Stop, please.
As they arrive at Wayne-Powers, there's more people outside chanting. And they learned the exact same chant as the poeple in whatever other country we were in before. PAXTON POWERS POLLUTER. Meanwhile Terry is also driving Bruce to Wayne-Powers, and as he drops him off, tells Bruce to look into the connection between Blight and Powers. Terry! Terry! Look at the damn suits Powers always wears! Please just look for like 10 seconds. Ah nevermind.
Upstairs the meeting to introduce Paxton as new acting chairman has already started when Bruce walks in, but he does not seem to give a fuck. Powers says that Paxton is in charge now and Bruce stares at him, and the camera zooms in and his cold eyes almost get me to start confessing to crimes.
Somehow a couple of protestors manage to get into the meeting room, and throw a bunch of dead fish onto the meeting table. Ew! Oh god Powers is just super pissed off! His eyes start to crack and Paxton tries to calm him down. No no no, he will not have it. He hates fish and he wanted those fish dead, but he didn't want them on this table goddammit. His face gets worse and worse until finally, oh god, everyone can see how it's cracking and glowing and all his skin is coming off and his suit is getting ruined and Bruce and Terry are both like "ooooooooooh FUCK. I knew that suit looked familiar!"
Blight leaps at one of the protestors that had come into the meeting room and is like "I'll show you how to kill some fish!" Bruce hits him with his cane and Blight turns his attention to Bruce instead, the radiation probably providing treatment for types of cancer Bruce didn't even know he had. Before Blight can kill Bruce though, Batman leaps in and saves the day. Blight starts firing radioactive ball things at him, one of which Terry manages to deflect with an incredibly strong lunch tray.
Blight takes off down a hallway, and Terry pauses to see if Bruce is ok.
He replies, "I'm fine...Batman." Nice Bruce, do you think you could wink maybe too? Maybe slip Terry a grocery list while he helps you up? "Thanks, and could pick this stuff up while you're out and about...Batman? *wink*"
Blight is at this point gone despite being radioactive and glowing brightly. No way we could track this dude. Ah well, win some, lose some!
Back in the batcave, Bruce explains that when Powers was exposed to nerve gas on Terry's first night as Batman, he was probably treated with radiation and turned into this. Terry's happy to learn that he might be responsible and Bruce again stares angrily. I immediately feel the need to behave better, I'm so sorry Bruce.
Powers meanwhile has called Paxton and is demanding his help. He needs a new skin, a new suit, a mineral water, some gum, just so much stuff. Paxton goes all fucking counselor on him. Oh putting the skin on isn't the answer, Dad. I think you might be addicted to having skin. You need to get in some sort of program for this. I don't know where to find one, we'll probably have to start one ourselves. Powers doesn't want a program, of course, he likes the skin.
Terry is flying around looking for Powers (glowy! radioactive!) to no avail. He's about to head back to the cave when what does he see in the sky but the freakin' bat signal. He flies to the bat signal, which Paxton has lit, and throws a batarang, smashing it. "Next time," he says, "use e-mail." Oh ok, sure thing Batman. What's your e-mail? Is that batman@batman.com? Would you like a Bat-text message maybe? Can I follow your bat-tweets?
"About to drop through skylight onto a bunch of goons at Gotham Museum, wish me luck!"
"haha I beat them all up lol"
"cruising around in the batmobile, what is up my peeps!"
So Terry is all annoyed at Paxton who starts blabbing about some thing he has that can like...soak up radiation like a sponge or something and Terry's like "WHY DO I CARE? GET TO THE POINT, I HAVE TO GO FIND A BIG RADIOACTIVE GUY." Paxton explains that he wants to help Terry trap Powers and then he's got like...a net and it'll be totally cool, don't worry. Terry agrees and leaves to keep looking for Powers, while some guy walks over to Paxton. Paxton says something blah blah oh and if Batman gives them any trouble, they should kill him!
Paxton? Buddy? Sport? Maybe you should just leave Batman out of your plans all together. Because really, your tubby Mexican friend there ain't gonna be the guy that kills Batman.
Bruce has a hunch about where Powers might be and it turns out to be right. They find him holed up on, what I guess is an abandoned nuclear sub in the Gotham Harbor. Blight is hanging out, eating a sandwich, and generally looking kinda sad, like probably the sandwich isn't very good or something.
Terry leaves a batarang and a message with Paxton and updates his Twitter.
"Big stuff going down at the harbor tonight! Should be fun!
At the harbor, Terry confronts Blight on the sub and leads him to what looks like the control room. Blight yells that he just wants to be left alone! I don't get why I, an insane, super-powered, theiving murderer should have to go to some kind of jail or something! Terry says that Blight killed his father, and Blight says something like, that doesn't really narrow down who you are at all.
About then, Paxton's goon jumps out and hits Blight with that net thing and starts um, sucking radiation out of him and hurting him too, it would seem. Paxton is there as well, and he is being a prick. Terry gets angry because Paxton said they were gonna, ya know get him into that therapy group and stuff and Paxton explains that he lied, and he hates his father and he hates you Batman and he's gonna try to kill you, but good luck with that.
Time for fighting! In the fight, Blight breaks out of his net thing and he's pissed at Paxton and the sub is getting rather fucked up. Bruce yells to Terry that the radiation is off the scale and Terry takes a brief moment to ponder the future children he'll never have as he watches father and son battle each other on a nuclear submarine. Is that what he would want for his children anyway? For them to hate him and him to hate them and they fight all the time over control of their multi-billion dollar company? No, it's better this way.
Bruce tells Terry to get out of there so he does, for once, with Paxton's goons in hand. The sub sinks to the bottom of the harbor with Blight trapped inside and I can't help but think about how awful the bottom of that harbor must be after years and years of super villains and their foiled plots and things going down in it. Blech.
Get this! Blight's body was never found! Terry tells Paxton to watch his back and Paxton is too dumb to realize that he means Blight probably isn't dead and is probably gonna try to fry your face off.
One more twat:
"Had to save Paxton Powers today. H8 that guy."
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
It was like "nooooo the lettuce is not crisp and mayo is all soaked into the breeeead waaaaah"
JordynNolz.com <- All my blogs (Shepard, Wasted, J'onn, DCAU) are here now!
All the enemies I've made today are fighting each other on a nuclear sub. Should I blow up the sub?
Yes
No
Larlar
"I made such a good sandwich but the radiation killed my taste buds!"
TylerJ on League of Legends (it's free and fun!)
well done as usual