I am looking at this with a "wearing different shoes" angle:
If your wife was asking a guy at work to go camping with her, what would you think?
Regardless of your answer to that question, I think what Funguy had to say was certainly spot on:
It is best to make everything absolutely clear as day. "I want us to be friends, hang out and do cool shit. Just to make it clear, I'm married and won't be making any sexual advances towards you."
Where the fuck are you guys getting the camping thing? I said she likes the outdoors and sports. She's mentioned wanting to hike a certain trail around here but no one she knows has shown any interest. I can never find anyone to hike with, so I thought, "Hey, cool!"
I love how you guys can't get over the sex part, though. I am capable of keeping my wang in my pants, for like a whole hour even.
Yeah dude I'm sorry but you are going to have to go with gut instinct on this one. The others have a totally different mindset on this whole thing.
Good luck though. I can attest how much it sucks working somewhere and all your coworkers suck balls at having worthwhile interests.
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HalfmexI mock your value systemYou also appear foolish in the eyes of othersRegistered Userregular
edited July 2009
Sorry, you'd said "a lot of outdoor things" and someone else had mentioned camping, and I guess I associated the two. My fault on that. I've replaced the word "camping" with "hiking" in my post.
Well, look... no matter how you view it, that doesn't change how SHE'S going to view it. If you keep pushing to be friends with her, she's likely going to think you want some kind of affair. Even if that isn't your intention.
See, it turns out, woman can decide for themselves who they will and won't be friends with. Maybe having a wife or girlfriend is a deal breaker for her, in which case there's nothing you can do. But regardless, the more you push, the more awkward you can make these things, which is not great for a present work environment.
Frankly, the easiest way to solve this is to get a group from work together and go out that way. It will likely ease any reservations she may have over your "lets hang out" approach.
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When I was a little kid, I always pretended I was the hero,' Skip said.
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Ask her out to an activity that you AND YOUR WIFE are doing. That will show her that, no, you aren't befriending her just to try to get in her pants and that, yes, your wife is okay with you having female friends. That will clear the way for her to ask you to hang out without feeling awkward or worrying about you having misconceptions about her (your coworker's) intentions.
What, OP, you don't think she's going to feel like a lot of us do? You're making it seem like her friendship is a prize you need to personally win for some reason
ees a lil weird, and there are multiple people who have the same vibe
it's all on you, though
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
What, OP, you don't think she's going to feel like a lot of us do? You're making it seem like her friendship is a prize you need to personally win for some reason
ees a lil weird, and there are multiple people who have the same vibe
it's all on you, though
Yeah this is exactly what I'm getting as well and it's coming off as a little creepy.
Maybe she hasn't done anything outside work with you because she plain isn't interested?
At most you can do is just ask her once and let it the fuck be. It's not the end of the world if she doesn't want to go on a hike.
I honestly cannot see things working out once you find yourself asking a group of strangers for advice on how to convince an attractive young lady to be your outside of work friend. Regardless of what your reasoning or goals really are here, I can't see this one playing out the way you'd like it to.
Pheezer on
IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Plan an event with a bunch of your friends and just invite this person along ("Hey, a bunch of my friends and I are going to go [have fun], I hear it's all the rage these days, wanna join us?"). Make sure she knows it's going to be you and few of your friends. If she's the 8th to 12th person, then it'll be pretty hard for her to get any sort of creepy vibe (tell her she can bring friends along if she wants also).
Basically, have a party (it can be a dinner party, if you're some sort of classy person) or, get a bunch of your friends go to and do something fun.
Edit: I'm taking this at face value in that you honestly don't want to be creepy or do anything creepy with this woman.
Yeah dude I'm sorry but you are going to have to go with gut instinct on this one. The others have a totally different mindset on this whole thing.
Good luck though. I can attest how much it sucks working somewhere and all your coworkers suck balls at having worthwhile interests.
Thanks. You seem to get it, thank god. That's really what it's all about. We have like a less than 10% male ratio where I work, and I already hang out with the guys I like. We have 2 other guys roughly my age in a building of about 75 people. It'd just be nice to have a female friend at work, who is my age, enjoys doing the same thing, and can be fun to be around. We've got other women who are cool, and I've actually hung out with them plenty of times, but it always goes to talking about people behind their backs, or talking about being pregnant. I just can't fucking stand it.
As for all the creepiness you guys seem to be projecting on to me, you'll just have to trust that as a fairly well-adjusted, adult male who has been in numerous relationships and friendships, I can usually get the hint when someone doesn't want to be around me.
Like the sane people have said, I think it's the whole marriage thing, and it's probably going to take me initiating something. Thanks for the insightful comments, I think we've figured this one out.
I honestly cannot see things working out once you find yourself asking a group of strangers for advice on how to convince an attractive young lady to be your outside of work friend. Regardless of what your reasoning or goals really are here, I can't see this one playing out the way you'd like it to.
Basing someones chances on who and where he asks advice is kind of counter productive, don't you think? Especially considering it's the Help / Advice Forum.... o_O
I work in an office with a 25:1 female to male ratio. It's simple maths that I would befriend at least one female.
I am on good terms with almost every girl in my unit. I've hung out with a good number outside of work. One of which came to my birthday party last year, another invited me to her friend's cook-out.
I even went to go watch Star Trek with another. It was just to two of us.
My girlfriend knows that I have a ton of female friends here at work and knows that I've hung out with some of them. She had been with us some of the times. Others I've hung out with them 1 on 1; my girlfriend knows about everytime I've hung out with one alone.
Not once have I cheated on my girlfriend. It's never even crossed my mind. And never has she thought that I would cheat on her.
That out of the way.
I would either:
A. Let her invite you to something.
or
B. Invite her along to something already planned.
I work in an office with a 25:1 female to male ratio.
PMing you my resume.
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EncA Fool with CompassionPronouns: He, Him, HisRegistered Userregular
edited July 2009
Yeah, creepy vibe or no, this isn't going to be easy for you. You and the girl obviously have chemestry, and the question is if what you are expecting (friendship) is what she is expecting (???). I'm with the other posters, there is no real reason to hang out with her one on one, especially if you are married. Invite her to your group functions, your couples dates, etc, and tell her to bring someone (dosen't have to be a date on her end, maybe just another friend). Let everyone, you, your wife, her, her friends, other friends, feel each other out.
Going on one on one adventures is only going to entice problems one way or another. If your motives are pure, then you may just be there for fun. That dosen't mean she isn't being swept off her feet by you, etc. If she starts building up feelings for you during these, this will only make everyone in the group uncomfortable after a time. Honestly, though... maybe it's just in the way you've been typing your responses, but you seem way to into the girl and way too defensive for it to just be a passing friendship interest. Perhaps you should consider why you don't place your wife/other friends with you on these imagined afternoon trips as opposed to one on one?
If this isn't the case, apologies. It's very easy, however, to get this interpretation from your text.
It could be that she is just one of those people that keeps work stuff and work and her personal life separate. I've worked many a job where I liked the people I worked with but not near enough to want to see them outside of work.
I honestly cannot see things working out once you find yourself asking a group of strangers for advice on how to convince an attractive young lady to be your outside of work friend. Regardless of what your reasoning or goals really are here, I can't see this one playing out the way you'd like it to.
Basing someones chances on who and where he asks advice is kind of counter productive, don't you think? Especially considering it's the Help / Advice Forum.... o_O
Some questions can be asked of an Internet forum with a reasonable chance of success. Things concerning plumbing, what's the best way to break the ice with a girl, etc., generic stuff where tried and true methods or the experience of strangers can apply with generally decent fit based on similar circumstances are great questions to ask here.
Questions whose answer figures heavily on the personal nature of a specific human being that nobody on the forum knows? Less likely to meet success. Questions where the nature of the question being asked comes across as bizarre and difficult to understand at face value for the people being asked? Less likely again.
See where I'm going with this?
It's unlikely that anyone here can provide any advice other than the hopelessly general "why don't you ask her to hang out with you and your wife and maybe think about dropping the subject because why are you so bent on forcing her to be your friend anyhow" that will be applicable, useful or relevant.
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IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
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Seguerof the VoidSydney, AustraliaRegistered Userregular
edited July 2009
She may simply not want to hang around with a married guy - I have a close female friend who recently decided she can't hang out with me as I have a girlfriend now.
Some people (not just females) simply prefer not to be in that situation, whereas others may be perfectly comfortable with it.
Pheezer has the right of it I believe - no one here is going to be able to tell you how to handle this because we don't know the girl, and we don't know "why" she wouldn't want to hang around you (worst case: maybe she doesn't actually like you and is just polite at work!)
I honestly cannot see things working out once you find yourself asking a group of strangers for advice on how to convince an attractive young lady to be your outside of work friend. Regardless of what your reasoning or goals really are here, I can't see this one playing out the way you'd like it to.
He never said that she was attractive. For all we know, his wife could be some insanely gorgeous bitch and this girl is is the homely, loving type.
I honestly cannot see things working out once you find yourself asking a group of strangers for advice on how to convince an attractive young lady to be your outside of work friend. Regardless of what your reasoning or goals really are here, I can't see this one playing out the way you'd like it to.
Basing someones chances on who and where he asks advice is kind of counter productive, don't you think? Especially considering it's the Help / Advice Forum.... o_O
Some questions can be asked of an Internet forum with a reasonable chance of success. Things concerning plumbing, what's the best way to break the ice with a girl, etc., generic stuff where tried and true methods or the experience of strangers can apply with generally decent fit based on similar circumstances are great questions to ask here.
Questions whose answer figures heavily on the personal nature of a specific human being that nobody on the forum knows? Less likely to meet success. Questions where the nature of the question being asked comes across as bizarre and difficult to understand at face value for the people being asked? Less likely again.
See where I'm going with this?
It's unlikely that anyone here can provide any advice other than the hopelessly general "why don't you ask her to hang out with you and your wife and maybe think about dropping the subject because why are you so bent on forcing her to be your friend anyhow" that will be applicable, useful or relevant.
I frankly fail to see how the success rate of any particular question merits negative comments about WHERE the person asking chooses to voice said question.
Let me break that down: who cares where he asks his question and why call the OP out on it?
Sends a message to people that they should keep their questions to those of a safe nature and with a high percentage of being answered satisfactorily and I don't think that's the intent of H/A, is it?
Does the fact that "whats the meaning of life?" isn't likely to be answered to everyones satisfaction mean that we shouldn't ask the question?
I think making assumptions about the OP's motives is the exact opposite of helpful.
And in an attempt to actually be helpful, I would say the best way to approach this would be to invite her to a group function, such as a party, barbecue, or happy hour. It would be a big plus if there were other people at your workplace who you could stand to invite. That would make things quite a bit less awkward.
I don't want to hang out with most of my co workers. Nothing personal. Just how it is.
Might be in the same spot there, Wolf.
That's how it is with me too. My coworkers are cool and all and invite me to places and stuff, but they're coworkers, and I generally like to keep that separate.
weird. i'm friends with almost all my co-workers, and we regularly party.
the friends i've made at work are just as awesome as friends i've made elsewhere.
the only downside is sometimes i have to hang out with my manager, and it's always a tad awkward.
Okay so this thread has been moving in circles for a few pages now. Unless I see some activity from the OP suggesting that this is moving forward or that there's anything new to report, I'm going to close it based on the fact that anything that could be said about the situation as it's been described so far has been said.
Pheezer on
IT'S GOT ME REACHING IN MY POCKET IT'S GOT ME FORKING OVER CASH
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Posts
If your wife was asking a guy at work to go camping with her, what would you think?
Regardless of your answer to that question, I think what Funguy had to say was certainly spot on:
?
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Youtube link to "Oasis - Fucking in the Bushes" :P
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I love how you guys can't get over the sex part, though. I am capable of keeping my wang in my pants, for like a whole hour even.
Good luck though. I can attest how much it sucks working somewhere and all your coworkers suck balls at having worthwhile interests.
The rest of it stands, though.
See, it turns out, woman can decide for themselves who they will and won't be friends with. Maybe having a wife or girlfriend is a deal breaker for her, in which case there's nothing you can do. But regardless, the more you push, the more awkward you can make these things, which is not great for a present work environment.
Frankly, the easiest way to solve this is to get a group from work together and go out that way. It will likely ease any reservations she may have over your "lets hang out" approach.
ees a lil weird, and there are multiple people who have the same vibe
it's all on you, though
Yeah this is exactly what I'm getting as well and it's coming off as a little creepy.
Maybe she hasn't done anything outside work with you because she plain isn't interested?
At most you can do is just ask her once and let it the fuck be. It's not the end of the world if she doesn't want to go on a hike.
Satans..... hints.....
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Basically, have a party (it can be a dinner party, if you're some sort of classy person) or, get a bunch of your friends go to and do something fun.
Edit: I'm taking this at face value in that you honestly don't want to be creepy or do anything creepy with this woman.
Thanks. You seem to get it, thank god. That's really what it's all about. We have like a less than 10% male ratio where I work, and I already hang out with the guys I like. We have 2 other guys roughly my age in a building of about 75 people. It'd just be nice to have a female friend at work, who is my age, enjoys doing the same thing, and can be fun to be around. We've got other women who are cool, and I've actually hung out with them plenty of times, but it always goes to talking about people behind their backs, or talking about being pregnant. I just can't fucking stand it.
As for all the creepiness you guys seem to be projecting on to me, you'll just have to trust that as a fairly well-adjusted, adult male who has been in numerous relationships and friendships, I can usually get the hint when someone doesn't want to be around me.
Like the sane people have said, I think it's the whole marriage thing, and it's probably going to take me initiating something. Thanks for the insightful comments, I think we've figured this one out.
Basing someones chances on who and where he asks advice is kind of counter productive, don't you think? Especially considering it's the Help / Advice Forum.... o_O
I am on good terms with almost every girl in my unit. I've hung out with a good number outside of work. One of which came to my birthday party last year, another invited me to her friend's cook-out.
I even went to go watch Star Trek with another. It was just to two of us.
My girlfriend knows that I have a ton of female friends here at work and knows that I've hung out with some of them. She had been with us some of the times. Others I've hung out with them 1 on 1; my girlfriend knows about everytime I've hung out with one alone.
Not once have I cheated on my girlfriend. It's never even crossed my mind. And never has she thought that I would cheat on her.
That out of the way.
I would either:
A. Let her invite you to something.
or
B. Invite her along to something already planned.
PMing you my resume.
Can trade TF2 items or whatever else you're interested in. PM me.
Going on one on one adventures is only going to entice problems one way or another. If your motives are pure, then you may just be there for fun. That dosen't mean she isn't being swept off her feet by you, etc. If she starts building up feelings for you during these, this will only make everyone in the group uncomfortable after a time. Honestly, though... maybe it's just in the way you've been typing your responses, but you seem way to into the girl and way too defensive for it to just be a passing friendship interest. Perhaps you should consider why you don't place your wife/other friends with you on these imagined afternoon trips as opposed to one on one?
If this isn't the case, apologies. It's very easy, however, to get this interpretation from your text.
Some questions can be asked of an Internet forum with a reasonable chance of success. Things concerning plumbing, what's the best way to break the ice with a girl, etc., generic stuff where tried and true methods or the experience of strangers can apply with generally decent fit based on similar circumstances are great questions to ask here.
Questions whose answer figures heavily on the personal nature of a specific human being that nobody on the forum knows? Less likely to meet success. Questions where the nature of the question being asked comes across as bizarre and difficult to understand at face value for the people being asked? Less likely again.
See where I'm going with this?
It's unlikely that anyone here can provide any advice other than the hopelessly general "why don't you ask her to hang out with you and your wife and maybe think about dropping the subject because why are you so bent on forcing her to be your friend anyhow" that will be applicable, useful or relevant.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH
Some people (not just females) simply prefer not to be in that situation, whereas others may be perfectly comfortable with it.
Pheezer has the right of it I believe - no one here is going to be able to tell you how to handle this because we don't know the girl, and we don't know "why" she wouldn't want to hang around you (worst case: maybe she doesn't actually like you and is just polite at work!)
I frankly fail to see how the success rate of any particular question merits negative comments about WHERE the person asking chooses to voice said question.
Let me break that down: who cares where he asks his question and why call the OP out on it?
Sends a message to people that they should keep their questions to those of a safe nature and with a high percentage of being answered satisfactorily and I don't think that's the intent of H/A, is it?
Does the fact that "whats the meaning of life?" isn't likely to be answered to everyones satisfaction mean that we shouldn't ask the question?
And in an attempt to actually be helpful, I would say the best way to approach this would be to invite her to a group function, such as a party, barbecue, or happy hour. It would be a big plus if there were other people at your workplace who you could stand to invite. That would make things quite a bit less awkward.
I don't want to hang out with most of my co workers. Nothing personal. Just how it is.
Might be in the same spot there, Wolf.
That's how it is with me too. My coworkers are cool and all and invite me to places and stuff, but they're coworkers, and I generally like to keep that separate.
Check out my art! Buy some prints!
the friends i've made at work are just as awesome as friends i've made elsewhere.
the only downside is sometimes i have to hang out with my manager, and it's always a tad awkward.
CUZ THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE MIDDLE AND IT'S GIVING ME A RASH