Alright, Player's Handbook. The main shit. The shit you need to play. Here is what it has got going on for it:
Dragonborn- Alright, at first I was like, "Pshaw, dragonborn." But no, that is incorrect. Not only do these bastards look like dragons walking around in big fucking suits of armor, they breathe fire, or acid, or what have you, and make awesome fucking battlefield commanders. Plus, despite being basically lizardlike in appearance, the chicks have huge racks.
Dwarves- Dwarves are where the shit is at. Gimli and those thirteen hobbit motherfuckers have nothing on these dwarves. Yeah, they're short, but they're still using weapons just as huge as the rest of you, and they're wearing armor like it ain't no thang at all, and the motherfuckers do not get tired. They just fucking don't.
Eladrin- Alright, elves are pretty cool. You know elves. And despite what everyone says, fairies are pretty cool. Well eladrin are kinda like both of those, only, y'know, better. They're the lords and ladies of the feywild, which is a crazy magic land straight out of A Midsummer Night's Dream and classical fairy folklore. Oh yeah, and they teleport all the fuck over the place, just for the fun of it.
Elves- Elves aren't fancy prancy sissies in D&D, not anymore at least. No, they are hardcore woodsmen, hiding in the trees with their bows and straight taking you out. And all of them can do that. They're so rad that they all just know how to use a longbow, like, naturally.
Half-Elves- Also known as half-humans, these motherfuckers are the best of the best between elves and humans. You're a human, you know how awesome you are (pretty awesome), and elves are badass forest gods, so you just gotta like half-elves. And what do you know, everyone does. They just kinda get along, despite not being a real proper race in their own right.
Halflings- These short motherfuckers ain't no lazy Baggins stock no, they are athletic motherfuckers who specialize in thievery, wildernessing, and kicking your ass. They're nimble as motherfuckers, and get out of the way of all sorts of shit you throw at them, beside being charming little bastards because they're the size of like a ten year old. A ten year old that will eat you for breakfast.
Humans- You know humans, you are one. If that doesn't sell you, well, these humans can do anything. They aren't specialized for one thing or another, no, it's your choice. They are versatile as hell, and thus are capable of being better than anyone else in so many ways it can't even be comprehended.
Tieflings- Alright so take a devil, and then take a human, and cross that shit straight up. These are humans with horns and cloven feet, and they're deceitful, wily motherfuckers. They ain't some weird crossbreed that never ever shows up either, they're all over the place. Sure, not as much as humans or nothing, but still pretty dang prolific, and total gothcandy.
Cleric- Alright, if you went to Catholic school you're gonna get this one easy. Think of those nuns and priests and shit who hit you with rulers. Yeah, now give them a huge fucking suit of armor, a fuckall big morningstar, and divine goddamn retribution following every strike. Burning with holy fire and shit, right there. Add in the ability to heal the hell out of you without even touching you, and you've got yourself a cleric.
Fighter- The name says it all for this dude. The motherfucker knows how to fight. He's got big weapons or he's got shields and heavy armor, or whatever, but he will knock you on your ass and curb stomp the fuck out of you with whatever it is he is using. On top of that, the bastard yells at you the whole way through, and you're so distracted you can't fight anybody but him.
Paladin- Alright, now take those first two, and make them into one dude. One dude with better armor than either of his component two. One dude who not only carries around a sword bigger than you, but also has a direct fucking line to God and holy fire raining down around him, around all of you. And he doesn't just distract you from fighting other dudes, you hit one of his bros in a fight and he's gonna hit you with that fuckall sword.
Ranger- This is a dude who knows the woods. And not in any gay hippy way, no, he just straight up knows the fucking forest. Oh yeah, and he can wreck you with his choice of weapons. Either a massive fucking Robin Hood bow, or a pair of slicing scimitars moving faster than that dude who got shot in Indiana Jones. Or, y'know, nature itself, a fucking bear. Yes, that's right, he can kill you with the power of his pet fucking bear.
Rogue- This is a stealthy as fuck dude who steals your wallet. Or a con artist who steals even more. Or a dude who just pounds on you until you give it to him. Point is, the dude knows how to steal, and knows how to fuck you up. Generally with tiny little knives and crossbows that most other people would do jack shit with, and generally before you can even see him do it.
Warlock- Alright so say you want to be a magician or something, but you don't want to be a boring old wizard buried in books. How about you sell your soul, y'know, to the devil, the faerie queen, or, y'know, the lost gods of the Necronomicon? Yeah, if you do that you become a warlock, and you have the power to throw around magical energy just for fucking kicks, and wreck dudes with their own nightmares and demonic images and shit.
Warlord- Most dudes on like, a war battlefield will probably be some mookish fighters or something, but the warlord, that is the one who knows exactly what is going on. The one who is ordering them all into the fight, on top of being in the fight himself and knocking through bad motherfuckers like paper dolls. On top of this, one fucking pat on the ass and encouraging word from this guy has you fighting for ages. Now that's some fucking charisma.
Wizard- The wizard is all about books of magic, which sounds kinda lame, I mean, you already gotta read shit to play this game, why you gonna read shit once you're playing it? I'll tell you why, it's because of the wizard. The wizard has a magic fucking book full of goddamn explosive fireballs and illusionary nightmares and shit. That is the kind of book we all want, so do your best to mimic it and play a fucking wizard
Let me break down the player's handbook two for you son
Alright, we got some races:
Devas- Part angel, in contrast to the tiefling's part devil. Pretty sleek for that alone, but then on top of that they are perpetually reincarnated into newer, more devatastic forms, so any given deva character has thousands of years of experience floating just below the surface.
Gnomes-So you know Eladrin, right? How they're all fey as fuck but they're that classy Oberon and Titania bullshit going all over the place. Well gnomes are like that, only sly mischievous little fuckers. Old school bogeyman house fairy shit going on, and hell, the bitches turn invisible when they get hit. That is pretty much the best.
Goliath- You think dragonborn and shit are big? You ain't seen goddamn nothing, because these motherfuckers are huge. "So?" you say, "Who cares if they're big?" Well these guys are gonna make you care because they've got skin like stone and are designed for beating the tar out of things.
Half-Orcs- Half-Orcs used to be a shitty little race of rape babies, but no, not anymore. Now they are sleek and almost attractive and can dish out damage like nobody fucking else. I cannot say enough about how good they made half-orcs, they're like everybody's favorite villain only, y'know, better.
Shifters- These dudes are pretty much in here for players who want to be playing faggy world of darkness games. But they ain't part vampire or nothing, they're part fucking therianthrope. Either wolf or tiger, your choice, but needless to say they kick as much ass as the animals they got in their veins.
Avengers- If you saw paladins and thought they were zealous, you ain't seen nothing yet, because avengers will rip your shit up in the name of the Lord without using some cheap ass huge fucking suit of armor or shields or nothing. Religious fucking assassins at their absolute finest.
Barbarian- Being a big fighter dude is pretty cool, right? How about a big fighter dude who sees red, hulks out and goes into a mad fucking rage, embodying all sorts of animals and mythical creatures and shit to swing around the biggest weapon he can find and destroy everything in his path?
Bard- The bard is like that pretty good musician you saw that time who really, like, moved you man. Except this one actually moves you, then enchants you, then rips your soul straight from your body with intense virtuoso power.
Druid- Alright, history lesson. The druids occupied the British isles and worshiped sick Celtic deities and practiced human sacrifice. Amongst other things, they claimed the ability to turn into animals. So guess what the druid can do? Yes, that's right, turn into animals, but not just animals, primal fucking forces of nature. That and, y'know, curse you and all your descendants to next thursday.
Invoker- The invoker has a power that forces all enemies to kneel before him or suffer intense psychic damage. They are the crazy street dudes standing on soapboxes crying about the lord to your clerical minister and priest. And they ain't faith healers either, they have ridiculous fire and brimstone shit going on.
Shaman- This is a dude who has an animal that walks around with him, except, instead of a real animal, it's a super ghost animal which he can channel his power through. He does this to ravage the shit out of his enemies with crazy magic ghost animal claws. On top of that, he will heal the shit out of you and your buddy.
Sorcerer- Wizards are kinda neat, right? They like, study magic and become really good at it and carry around big ol' spellbooks and use them a lot. Well, sorcerers are like this, only, instead of spellbooks and years of study they've got the magic in their veins. This gets better when the magic is there because of fucking dragons and primordial chaos and shit, allowing them to destroy anything in their path.
Warden- The last of the primal sorts, the warden is a big bulky fighter who then embraces nature so much that he lights on fire. And then he swings a big fucking spear over his head and all his enemies light on fire too. And then are struck by lightning and rams made of pure nature magic. The man controls the elements, and that is hardcore.