Yeah, I know. My best friend had the same reaction. Smashing furniture does seem like bad behavior to me. (Just like you, Alyce, my folks don't like him and my friends never warmed to him.) Maybe I do have to do something about this. I just really hate making a scene. And he needs me.
Celandine a few years from now you're probably going to look back and think "how could I fall for that old chestnut?". Making your other person think you'll fall apart with out them is classic controlling behaviour, and it's very damaging. He's not your sick mother or something. You have zero responsibility to look after someone who treats you like that.
3. The last time I tried breaking up with him, he lost his temper and broke my furniture. Then I missed
him and we got back together. It would be hell for both of us if we broke up again.
This is not a good thing. Not not not not not a good thing.
Have you talked with your boyfriend about how it feels when he tries to "talk you out" of your religion? Everybody understands what it's like to lose a piece of what you believe; I'm convinced there's nothing more painful or terrifying. If he still tries once he understands what he's doing, then that should tell you how much he "needs" you.
Yeah, I know. My best friend had the same reaction. Smashing furniture does seem like bad behavior to me. (Just like you, Alyce, my folks don't like him and my friends never warmed to him.) Maybe I do have to do something about this. I just really hate making a scene. And he needs me.
I'm sorry, but you shouldn't stay in a relationship for this reason, especially one that could potentially be abusive.
Yeah uh, red flags all over the place there celandine. Him breaking things and preventing you from leaving the relationship is not healthy in any way, even if he hadn't been doing all the other stuff like trying to manipulate your personally held beliefs.
Please take care of yourself and educate yourself on ways to stay safe if you do end the relationship, which it seems is inevitable anyway due to your desire to avoid a long distance relationship.
I don't mean to overdramatize. Yes, he broke my lamp, but he never hit me, of course, and he doesn't boss me around the way I'd imagine an abuser would. He's gentle, in fact. The time I broke up with him was the only time I ever saw him get mad at me.
The "needing" thing -- well, before we were together (but while we were friends and I had a crush on him) he had to take a semester off due to what I think was depression. I was desperately worried about him. He's been fine and much more "together" since, and he said I was a stabilizing influence. I do want him to be all right and not lose months or more messing up his life over a breakup, which, given his history, he might. (Again, since I can't stay with him for the rest of my life anyhow, and do not think he's a good fit for the long term, sooner or later I'll have to risk that.)
But you guys make it sound like this is a real problem. In that case I may have to make myself say goodbye.
See, you shouldn't be the stabilizing influence in his life. He should be stable on his own. Achieving that isn't going to happen through you, and in fact you might make him less likely to do so by giving him something to latch onto in lieu of seeking a more permanent solution like treatment for his depression.
Going back to the letter-sending mentioned earlier;
I too have recieved a love letter from a girl. I'm not sure it could be described as crazy, merely wierd. But i'll tell it anyway.
Long post so spoilered.
This was in college.
The girl in question was 18 but looked about 13. She was also miserable. All the time. Sour-faced comes to mind. Also, monosyllabic and cold.
I always treated her nicely and talked to her whenever i wasn't hanging out with other people. Thats what i do with everyone; i don't judge people on their appearences or how they act (unless it's obviously crazy/stupid). This is important. You see; everyone else we knew at college did. The whole class either ignored her completely or took a nasty pleasure in verbally bullying her, high-school style. So i was the only one talking to her.
One day near the end of the year, when i got home and dug out my books etc, what do i find? A letter from her professing her love for me and the reason's for it. Also included for my viewing pleasure...hand-drawn hearts, stars, rainbows and all sorts of childish shit.
Here's the thing; it was heartbreaking to read. As wierd as it all was, according to her i was the only male person in her life to have ever shown her any positive attention aside from her father. And now she loved me more than anyone in the world. The letter ended with her 'leaving the ball in my court'.
What could i possibly say to that? She was probably the least attractive person in the world to me, if only for her childish body/looks/mental maturity (seriously i can't state this enough, she was short, skinny and churlish, she even sounded 13).
I think i said something along the lines of 'I just don't feel that way about you' when we next met. She was upset, but seemed to take it well enough and things returned to relative normality. Or so i thought.
Turns out that for the next few weeks she told several people that we were an item. Mostly her friends and a few random people until she made the mistake of telling the people in our class, who promptly pulled me aside and demanded to know why i'd go out with her. Needless to say i was shocked. It didn't take much to convince them it was all a lie however, and when i saw her next i chewed her out for the lies.
Her friends would not be swayed however, and demanded to know why i had dumped her. Crazy likes company i guess.
Needless to say, we didn't speak again.
@Celandine; try to tell him what's bothering you first. If he doesn't change, then break up with him.
I don't mean to overdramatize. Yes, he broke my lamp, but he never hit me, of course, and he doesn't boss me around the way I'd imagine an abuser would. He's gentle, in fact. The time I broke up with him was the only time I ever saw him get mad at me.
The "needing" thing -- well, before we were together (but while we were friends and I had a crush on him) he had to take a semester off due to what I think was depression. I was desperately worried about him. He's been fine and much more "together" since, and he said I was a stabilizing influence. I do want him to be all right and not lose months or more messing up his life over a breakup, which, given his history, he might. (Again, since I can't stay with him for the rest of my life anyhow, and do not think he's a good fit for the long term, sooner or later I'll have to risk that.)
But you guys make it sound like this is a real problem. In that case I may have to make myself say goodbye.
Breaking your property IS abusive. It's especially worrying when it happens during a time when you are trying to leave the relationship. A person can be abusive without hitting you, and a person can be abusive without having "anger management" problems.
And abuse includes developing a dependency on another person and making them feel guilty (directly or indirectly) for leaving. Propping you up as the only thing keeping him out of depression is just another way of preventing you from leaving, I'm sorry to say. At some point he will need to take care of himself, and it is not your job to do that. Your job is to take care of YOU first, so please don't forget that.
I used to have this apartment where we threw tons of parties. I was living there with a girl who was a little... loose. I never got jealous over it, since she was crazy. She'd lay one guy before class, another after class, and then get mad when I kicked her out of my bed when she came crawling into it.
Guys would steal her rent money and she'd never kick them out. One guy stole a few hundred dollars worth of vinyl albums from me. She'd invite him over a week later. Guys would fight over her. She never understood why she couldn't just find "one guy", but never realized that the guys that chased after her would stick by her if she didn't fuck around. So she'd fuck around so they'd fuck around and that would cause drama.
I had feelings for her for a while, but not after witnessing all that.
Anyway. I eventually did some legal wrangling with the landlord and arranged for her to be kicked out and the apartment to be mine. We're still friends, but last I heard her husband was constantly cheating on her while she remained faithful, so to "balance things" they go to swingers parties now. Whatever floats your boat. Though it was hilarious when she took a friend and said friends boyfriend to one of these parties without telling them the exact nature of the party.
We kept partying in this apartment. Old guy down stairs didn't care, and the people in the back unit were close friends of mine. It was basically a weekend long block party every weekend. Booze. Girls. Etc. It was fun, and I always managed to pull myself away from the edge.
Friends in the back, however, don't and they have to bail. Cute blond moves in and I immediately start making moves. We're all cuddly, having a good time, close, few small kisses. Another girl I had been talking to was messaging a friend who was at the party and mentioned to him to tell me hello. He does. Blond girl wigs the hell out. So I put a stop to it and she spends the rest of the night trying to regain my favor.
While we're having these wild parties I notice a very VERY young looking girl there. She shows up from time to time. I ask her how old she is. 17. She would try to hook up with me from time to time, but something always told me to keep my distance.
We hang out from time to time and I notice with each passing year it's her birthday. And every year she's 17. I eventually find out that she was 14 when we first started hanging out. When she was at these incredibly wild parties. Glad I trusted my gut on that one.
She's a nice girl. Problem is, that she and about five other girls treated me pretty terribly over the past two years or so.
See, I'd get a phone call from her at strange times in the night asking to come over (She's over 17 at this point). She'd come over. We'd hook up. Then she'd feel guilty. Apparently, her boyfriend was passed out at home so she stole his keys to come over.
As mentioned, several other girls would do something similar. Something would happen with their old man, they'd call me up, the night/weekend/week/month would run it's course, and then they'd have a huge change of heart and they'd go back to their guy. Sucks. My fiancee said I was their "comfort food". Sucks. Hurt the ego a bit. Why am I not good enough, etc etc? But on the bright side, it was also an ego boost everytime it happened.
If I was still 20 when it all went on, hadn't gone through a dozen pregnancy and STD scares, I'd probably have taken full advantage of it. I was way past that the last time I got "the call".
Oh.
And I had an ex randomly find me on Facebook, whom I haven't spoken to in about 7 years, telling me that my fiancee is a very awesome sounding person, is super hot, and oh by the way I haven't had sex with my husband since we conceived my one year old child would-you-like-to-meet-for-lunch-soon?
That was pretty funny.
Reason we hadn't talked for years was because all of the friends that I met through her fucking turned on me, she got incredibly clingy, and when I dumped her told everyone I beat her.
Yeah. Wonder why I quit talking to her.
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NocrenLt Futz, Back in ActionNorth CarolinaRegistered Userregular
As mentioned, several other girls would do something similar. Something would happen with their old man, they'd call me up, the night/weekend/week/month would run it's course, and then they'd have a huge change of heart and they'd go back to their guy. Sucks. My fiancee said I was their "comfort food". Sucks. Hurt the ego a bit. Why am I not good enough, etc etc? But on the bright side, it was also an ego boost everytime it happened.
A wise man once called this "being the emotional tampon." Used for a while to stop the flow (of tears) than thrown away.
I was this once.
I've also received and sent a couple of "letters" in my life. I've learned it's better to write them then immediately throw away/shred/burn/eat them.
Oh, and I think something's wrong with me. See, I seem to actively seek out these problem girls. I remember back in the Navy, I somehow was going to go cranking on my second ship (working in the galley for a period of days, think mandatory McDonald's service. It's something all new guys do on their first boat). Long story short, I had already served my crank time and only had to spend a day there instead of the 45 they wanted. However, there was a fairly attractive girl there, but I noticed that people stayed away from her.
I started striking up a conversation with her and at the end of the shift, all the other cranks/swabbies run up to me and tell me to stay away from that crazy bitch. Considering my ship was nick-named "the Love Boat*", I decided to heed their advice. I later learned from one of my later room mates that when he lived in the barracks, he heard he say "no, choke me harder" through the walls/ducts.
*USS Frank Cable, AS-40. Submarine tender based out of Guam. Earned said nickname for having a large co-ed crew (one of the highest male:female ratios in the Navy) and going underway one time and returning with several of the female crew members ending up pregnant.
*USS Frank Cable, AS-40. Submarine tender based out of Guam. Earned said nickname for having a large co-ed crew (one of the highest male:female ratios in the Navy) and going underway one time and returning with several of the female crew members ending up pregnant.
Yeah, I know. My best friend had the same reaction. Smashing furniture does seem like bad behavior to me. Maybe I do have to do something about this. I just really hate making a scene. And he needs me.
Run, dammit. Run fast and FAR. He is not a nice person, nor is he ambivalent. He's a functional psychopath. I can guarantee that you can do better, and being an attractive female doesn't mean you have to play the field or get drunk or any of that shit. Just get the fuck out of there for your own sake. Someone like that needs to be committed for evaluation at the very least.
Yeah, I know. My best friend had the same reaction. Smashing furniture does seem like bad behavior to me. Maybe I do have to do something about this. I just really hate making a scene. And he needs me.
Run, dammit. Run fast and FAR. He is not a nice person, nor is he ambivalent. He's a functional psychopath. I can guarantee that you can do better, and being an attractive female doesn't mean you have to play the field or get drunk or any of that shit. Just get the fuck out of there for your own sake. Someone like that needs to be committed for evaluation at the very least.
I wouldn't go that far but someone like that is definitely not a good person to be around.
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I have a podcast now. It's about video games and anime!Find it here.
I've been dating this girl for about two weeks. Today her ex that she broke up with a couple of months ago calls her up and says (paraphrasing from her account),
"I know you better than anyone. I know you better than you know yourself. You're shit. You don't deserve anything."
I've been dating this girl for about two weeks. Today her ex that she broke up with a couple of months ago calls her up and says (paraphrasing from her account),
"I know you better than anyone. I know you better than you know yourself. You're shit. You don't deserve anything."
god damn it, I want to smack him in the face.
Ha.
"I know I don't deserve her. That's what makes this so fun."
edit: Oh wait, I read that wrong. He was saying that to her. He's just being spiteful.
Take a self defense course, get good at running starts and be careful, break up somewhere public or near public (harsh but safe).
trying to change you is a no-no and just cause he can debate religion and "squash" your arguments, it comes down to faith, even in things you can't see or touch, I'm buddhist, my lady is Christian there is overlap and differences but it works and I went through a 'christian' upbringing and still became buddhist.
you'll change as you grow, you might even change religions but if you do, let it be your choice, with no pressure.
(I'm Jewish, not specially observant, hardly the sort of screechy fundamentalist who's hard to live with. I didn't think it was going to be a problem in our relationship.)
Not to fault you, Celandine, but atheists can be good people too.
edit: And it's stuff like this that makes me religiously ambivalent. I guess the closest thing you could label me as is "agnostic". I don't believe in God, I don't NOT believe in God, I just don't care.
double edit: And don't write off those books so offhandedly. There are plenty of people who read the Bible simply as a book of ancient stories, as I did in High School. I've also read parts of the Torah and a little of the Quran (all translated, of course). That doesn't make me pagan scum. It makes me open to new ideas. I could read a well written atheist book. I don't have to change myself if I read a book, and if you read it and realize that maybe atheism is for you, it's a conclusion you came to yourself with ideas and facts presented to you.
triple edit: also, if you're so worried about God and all, then why the sex and the cursing?
Again, I know atheists can be good people.
Why the sex and cursing?
I don't know of any religious injunction against foul language. Sorry if it offends you.
The sex? I thought it through, read a bunch of Susie Bright sex-positive feminist stuff, and came to the conclusion that it's possible to have ethical pre-marital sex. That's not consistent with a literal interpretation of the Bible, I know. I don't know what to make of it. I only know that I'm pretty sure that sex isn't wrong (and neither is homosexuality.) Most of the time I'm a nice American liberal/libertarian, whose ethical beliefs are about respecting rights and not harming people and that sort of thing. I also happen to be saddled with a 3000-year-old document that I can't dismiss, although it says very different things. It's confusing.
That's what I was saying. She seems to be cherry picking the parts of the religion she likes, and using other texts to back up what she wants to do. And that's fine because at least she has some conviction.
But then what's wrong with another book? Just do what you want to do. You can't let fear, whether it's fear of a wrathful deity, or what might happen to someone if you leave them for all the right reasons, control your actions.
celandine--It doesn't matter if your boyfriend doesn't break furniture on a regular basis; if he's trying to pry you away from something you believe in that much against your own wishes, has you convinced that he'll be lost without you, and gets churlish whenever he feels threatened by you doing something independent, then he's likely to be bad for you. And possibly an emotionally abusive bastard. (In fact, I think he probably IS an emotionally abusive bastard, from what you've already posted.)
You need to think of your own emotional well-being, instead of his. You should get the hell away from him.
See I always thought it was an unsaid rule that you don't flirt with a person who is into you unless you're into them. You're just making it worse.
But that's the predicament. I wasn't flirting more than I do with any regular girl I know. It's how I talk to girls. So after she complained, I had to start having conversations with her online and in person that were a lot more boring.
Edit: I hate when you "Go to newest unread post" and it's the last post on the page, so you don't think to check the page count, and then you quote and reply, and end up quoting and replying to something that was actually said 3 pages ago and has lost its relevance because people posted a lot of stuff to the thread overnight.
See I always thought it was an unsaid rule that you don't flirt with a person who is into you unless you're into them. You're just making it worse.
Edit: I hate when you "Go to newest unread post" and it's the last post on the page, so you don't think to check the page count, and then you quote and reply, and end up quoting and replying to something that was actually said 3 pages ago and has lost its relevance because people posted a lot of stuff to the thread overnight.
Kratos: what's confusing?
cooljammer: yeah, you pretty much have me pegged. I'm a cherry-picker. So are all the moderately religious Jews I know. We'll read the Torah, but we don't have the tradition of only letting men read it aloud. We'll check our email before going to Shabbat services. We like "proclaim liberty throughout the land" but we're not wild about excluding gays and lesbians. And even, in my family, shellfish gets eaten sometimes but pork doesn't. There's no way to live like this (with some traditions, but not the ones that seem awful) and be perfectly internally consistent. Older or more cynical folks don't worry about it; I stress out sometimes.
As for being exposed to new ideas -- well, I decided that there's no point being scared to read a book, and so I'm reading it. (The Evolution of God, by Robert Wright.) I realized I had no idea what modern archaeologists think about the development and compilation of the Torah (it's a hell of a lot later than Mount Sinai) or the evolution of monotheism (later than most people think.) Serious challenges, and I've got to get them figured out, but I'm enough of a scientist not to want to sustain any belief through ignorance of the counter-arguments.
Angel: great, another reason for sprint workouts! Public place sounds good -- hadn't thought of that.
I do want to dump him. I've been with him for almost a year and had some doubts from the beginning. I'm ridiculously happy with him most of the time -- you're getting the bad side of the story because I'm irritated with him at the moment -- but you're right, the problems are there under the surface. The fact that I'm reluctant to break up with him for fear he'll go ballistic/get depressed, and the fact that people have been telling me to leave him for months, are pretty important signs.
Kratos: what's confusing?
cooljammer: yeah, you pretty much have me pegged. I'm a cherry-picker. So are all the moderately religious Jews I know. We'll read the Torah, but we don't have the tradition of only letting men read it aloud. We'll check our email before going to Shabbat services. We like "proclaim liberty throughout the land" but we're not wild about excluding gays and lesbians. And even, in my family, shellfish gets eaten sometimes but pork doesn't. There's no way to live like this (with some traditions, but not the ones that seem awful) and be perfectly internally consistent. Older or more cynical folks don't worry about it; I stress out sometimes.
As for being exposed to new ideas -- well, I decided that there's no point being scared to read a book, and so I'm reading it. (The Evolution of God, by Robert Wright.) I realized I had no idea what modern archaeologists think about the development and compilation of the Torah (it's a hell of a lot later than Mount Sinai) or the evolution of monotheism (later than most people think.) Serious challenges, and I've got to get them figured out, but I'm enough of a scientist not to want to sustain any belief through ignorance of the counter-arguments.
Angel: great, another reason for sprint workouts! Public place sounds good -- hadn't thought of that.
I do want to dump him. I've been with him for almost a year and had some doubts from the beginning. I'm ridiculously happy with him most of the time -- you're getting the bad side of the story because I'm irritated with him at the moment -- but you're right, the problems are there under the surface. The fact that I'm reluctant to break up with him for fear he'll go ballistic/get depressed, and the fact that people have been telling me to leave him for months, are pretty important signs.
If it's alright for me to interject here. Not to bash or anything but it almost sounds like you might have contracted a bit of "white knight" syndrome here. Now, agreed, we don't know all the details and how things go most of the time but if you're reasoning behind staying with him is a fear of his actions/feelings after then I have to agree with most of the posters here and say that your feelings and interests are supposed to be taken into account first and foremost. Not to make it sound like you should be "looking out for number 1" all the time but a healthy relationship starts with you being happy, then working to make your s/o happy.
As for the religious aspect, he really shouldn't force you into anything. I'm anglican or at least loosely anglican. I don't go to church but I'm open to ideas on things pertaining to religion and have a fairly open mind. Hell, I've had two wiccan girlfriends in my life and the thing with religion didn't come up much at all. The whole idea of someone trying to impose their beliefs on someone or change them just really rubs me the wrong way and if you're feeling uncomfortable about it then you should talk to him and express that concern. If he's ignorant of your feelings then that only works to reinforce the views made by others that this relationship should probably end sooner rather then later before it makes you feel that much worse.
Trying to force your SO to change religions or abandon a religion they find fulfilling is a huge dick move
It's basically saying, "I know this is important to you and everything but I don't personally like it and I want to remake you in my own image of what you should be, according to me"
It's extremely classic abuser/controller behavior and combined with the "needs me" sense of codependence he's trying to instill, the fact that fear of a scene/drama is one reason celandine's relationship is continuing, and the fact that her family doesn't like him and thus he's forcing her to choose between her family and him (and therefore separate her from her support group) makes me think she needs to GTFO of the relationship now or she's going to end up in a counseling/hospital/battered women's shelter a few years down the road.
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GonmunHe keeps kickin' me inthe dickRegistered Userregular
Trying to force your SO to change religions or abandon a religion they find fulfilling is a huge dick move
It's basically saying, "I know this is important to you and everything but I don't personally like it and I want to remake you in my own image of what you should be, according to me"
It's extremely classic abuser/controller behavior and combined with the "needs me" sense of codependence he's trying to instill, the fact that fear of a scene/drama is one reason celandine's relationship is continuing, and the fact that her family doesn't like him and thus he's forcing her to choose between her family and him (and therefore separate her from her support group) makes me think she needs to GTFO of the relationship now or she's going to end up in a counseling/hospital/battered women's shelter a few years down the road.
I read that and couldn't help but think about Alyce's "pornstar boobs" comment made a few pages ago.
Trying to force your SO to change religions or abandon a religion they find fulfilling is a huge dick move
It's basically saying, "I know this is important to you and everything but I don't personally like it and I want to remake you in my own image of what you should be, according to me"
It's extremely classic abuser/controller behavior and combined with the "needs me" sense of codependence he's trying to instill, the fact that fear of a scene/drama is one reason celandine's relationship is continuing, and the fact that her family doesn't like him and thus he's forcing her to choose between her family and him (and therefore separate her from her support group) makes me think she needs to GTFO of the relationship now or she's going to end up in a counseling/hospital/battered women's shelter a few years down the road.
I read that and couldn't help but think about Alyce's "pornstar boobs" comment made a few pages ago.
I remember reading that story and honestly wondering if the dude in question was socially retarded in some way. It barrels past "obnoxious frat dude" and even "virginal 13-year-old boy who's never seen a nipple IRL" and goes into "doesn't understand why we have to wear pants in public" territory.
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Celandine a few years from now you're probably going to look back and think "how could I fall for that old chestnut?". Making your other person think you'll fall apart with out them is classic controlling behaviour, and it's very damaging. He's not your sick mother or something. You have zero responsibility to look after someone who treats you like that.
Have you talked with your boyfriend about how it feels when he tries to "talk you out" of your religion? Everybody understands what it's like to lose a piece of what you believe; I'm convinced there's nothing more painful or terrifying. If he still tries once he understands what he's doing, then that should tell you how much he "needs" you.
Anyway, be yourself, know who you are, don't let anyone change you, all that good stuff.
edit: Oh, it seems people had the same issues I had with most everything she said. Carry on.
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Yeah uh, red flags all over the place there celandine. Him breaking things and preventing you from leaving the relationship is not healthy in any way, even if he hadn't been doing all the other stuff like trying to manipulate your personally held beliefs.
Please take care of yourself and educate yourself on ways to stay safe if you do end the relationship, which it seems is inevitable anyway due to your desire to avoid a long distance relationship.
I don't mean to overdramatize. Yes, he broke my lamp, but he never hit me, of course, and he doesn't boss me around the way I'd imagine an abuser would. He's gentle, in fact. The time I broke up with him was the only time I ever saw him get mad at me.
The "needing" thing -- well, before we were together (but while we were friends and I had a crush on him) he had to take a semester off due to what I think was depression. I was desperately worried about him. He's been fine and much more "together" since, and he said I was a stabilizing influence. I do want him to be all right and not lose months or more messing up his life over a breakup, which, given his history, he might. (Again, since I can't stay with him for the rest of my life anyhow, and do not think he's a good fit for the long term, sooner or later I'll have to risk that.)
But you guys make it sound like this is a real problem. In that case I may have to make myself say goodbye.
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I too have recieved a love letter from a girl. I'm not sure it could be described as crazy, merely wierd. But i'll tell it anyway.
Long post so spoilered.
The girl in question was 18 but looked about 13. She was also miserable. All the time. Sour-faced comes to mind. Also, monosyllabic and cold.
I always treated her nicely and talked to her whenever i wasn't hanging out with other people. Thats what i do with everyone; i don't judge people on their appearences or how they act (unless it's obviously crazy/stupid). This is important. You see; everyone else we knew at college did. The whole class either ignored her completely or took a nasty pleasure in verbally bullying her, high-school style. So i was the only one talking to her.
One day near the end of the year, when i got home and dug out my books etc, what do i find? A letter from her professing her love for me and the reason's for it. Also included for my viewing pleasure...hand-drawn hearts, stars, rainbows and all sorts of childish shit.
Here's the thing; it was heartbreaking to read. As wierd as it all was, according to her i was the only male person in her life to have ever shown her any positive attention aside from her father. And now she loved me more than anyone in the world. The letter ended with her 'leaving the ball in my court'.
What could i possibly say to that? She was probably the least attractive person in the world to me, if only for her childish body/looks/mental maturity (seriously i can't state this enough, she was short, skinny and churlish, she even sounded 13).
I think i said something along the lines of 'I just don't feel that way about you' when we next met. She was upset, but seemed to take it well enough and things returned to relative normality. Or so i thought.
Turns out that for the next few weeks she told several people that we were an item. Mostly her friends and a few random people until she made the mistake of telling the people in our class, who promptly pulled me aside and demanded to know why i'd go out with her. Needless to say i was shocked. It didn't take much to convince them it was all a lie however, and when i saw her next i chewed her out for the lies.
Her friends would not be swayed however, and demanded to know why i had dumped her. Crazy likes company i guess.
Needless to say, we didn't speak again.
@Celandine; try to tell him what's bothering you first. If he doesn't change, then break up with him.
Breaking your property IS abusive. It's especially worrying when it happens during a time when you are trying to leave the relationship. A person can be abusive without hitting you, and a person can be abusive without having "anger management" problems.
And abuse includes developing a dependency on another person and making them feel guilty (directly or indirectly) for leaving. Propping you up as the only thing keeping him out of depression is just another way of preventing you from leaving, I'm sorry to say. At some point he will need to take care of himself, and it is not your job to do that. Your job is to take care of YOU first, so please don't forget that.
It's not as cool as you think. Trust me.
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Guys would steal her rent money and she'd never kick them out. One guy stole a few hundred dollars worth of vinyl albums from me. She'd invite him over a week later. Guys would fight over her. She never understood why she couldn't just find "one guy", but never realized that the guys that chased after her would stick by her if she didn't fuck around. So she'd fuck around so they'd fuck around and that would cause drama.
I had feelings for her for a while, but not after witnessing all that.
Anyway. I eventually did some legal wrangling with the landlord and arranged for her to be kicked out and the apartment to be mine. We're still friends, but last I heard her husband was constantly cheating on her while she remained faithful, so to "balance things" they go to swingers parties now. Whatever floats your boat. Though it was hilarious when she took a friend and said friends boyfriend to one of these parties without telling them the exact nature of the party.
We kept partying in this apartment. Old guy down stairs didn't care, and the people in the back unit were close friends of mine. It was basically a weekend long block party every weekend. Booze. Girls. Etc. It was fun, and I always managed to pull myself away from the edge.
Friends in the back, however, don't and they have to bail. Cute blond moves in and I immediately start making moves. We're all cuddly, having a good time, close, few small kisses. Another girl I had been talking to was messaging a friend who was at the party and mentioned to him to tell me hello. He does. Blond girl wigs the hell out. So I put a stop to it and she spends the rest of the night trying to regain my favor.
While we're having these wild parties I notice a very VERY young looking girl there. She shows up from time to time. I ask her how old she is. 17. She would try to hook up with me from time to time, but something always told me to keep my distance.
We hang out from time to time and I notice with each passing year it's her birthday. And every year she's 17. I eventually find out that she was 14 when we first started hanging out. When she was at these incredibly wild parties. Glad I trusted my gut on that one.
She's a nice girl. Problem is, that she and about five other girls treated me pretty terribly over the past two years or so.
See, I'd get a phone call from her at strange times in the night asking to come over (She's over 17 at this point). She'd come over. We'd hook up. Then she'd feel guilty. Apparently, her boyfriend was passed out at home so she stole his keys to come over.
As mentioned, several other girls would do something similar. Something would happen with their old man, they'd call me up, the night/weekend/week/month would run it's course, and then they'd have a huge change of heart and they'd go back to their guy. Sucks. My fiancee said I was their "comfort food". Sucks. Hurt the ego a bit. Why am I not good enough, etc etc? But on the bright side, it was also an ego boost everytime it happened.
If I was still 20 when it all went on, hadn't gone through a dozen pregnancy and STD scares, I'd probably have taken full advantage of it. I was way past that the last time I got "the call".
Oh.
And I had an ex randomly find me on Facebook, whom I haven't spoken to in about 7 years, telling me that my fiancee is a very awesome sounding person, is super hot, and oh by the way I haven't had sex with my husband since we conceived my one year old child would-you-like-to-meet-for-lunch-soon?
That was pretty funny.
Reason we hadn't talked for years was because all of the friends that I met through her fucking turned on me, she got incredibly clingy, and when I dumped her told everyone I beat her.
Yeah. Wonder why I quit talking to her.
A wise man once called this "being the emotional tampon." Used for a while to stop the flow (of tears) than thrown away.
I was this once.
I've also received and sent a couple of "letters" in my life. I've learned it's better to write them then immediately throw away/shred/burn/eat them.
Oh, and I think something's wrong with me. See, I seem to actively seek out these problem girls. I remember back in the Navy, I somehow was going to go cranking on my second ship (working in the galley for a period of days, think mandatory McDonald's service. It's something all new guys do on their first boat). Long story short, I had already served my crank time and only had to spend a day there instead of the 45 they wanted. However, there was a fairly attractive girl there, but I noticed that people stayed away from her.
I started striking up a conversation with her and at the end of the shift, all the other cranks/swabbies run up to me and tell me to stay away from that crazy bitch. Considering my ship was nick-named "the Love Boat*", I decided to heed their advice. I later learned from one of my later room mates that when he lived in the barracks, he heard he say "no, choke me harder" through the walls/ducts.
*USS Frank Cable, AS-40. Submarine tender based out of Guam. Earned said nickname for having a large co-ed crew (one of the highest male:female ratios in the Navy) and going underway one time and returning with several of the female crew members ending up pregnant.
I feel bad for finding this hilarious.
Run, dammit. Run fast and FAR. He is not a nice person, nor is he ambivalent. He's a functional psychopath. I can guarantee that you can do better, and being an attractive female doesn't mean you have to play the field or get drunk or any of that shit. Just get the fuck out of there for your own sake. Someone like that needs to be committed for evaluation at the very least.
XBL : lJesse Custerl | MWO: Jesse Custer | Best vid ever. | 2nd best vid ever.
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I wouldn't go that far but someone like that is definitely not a good person to be around.
"I know you better than anyone. I know you better than you know yourself. You're shit. You don't deserve anything."
god damn it, I want to smack him in the face.
Ha.
"I know I don't deserve her. That's what makes this so fun."
edit: Oh wait, I read that wrong. He was saying that to her. He's just being spiteful.
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It's like jesus christ, how hard is it not to be a complete douche? (EDIT: apparently pretty hard for people talked about in this thread.)
No, no you don't.
trying to change you is a no-no and just cause he can debate religion and "squash" your arguments, it comes down to faith, even in things you can't see or touch, I'm buddhist, my lady is Christian there is overlap and differences but it works and I went through a 'christian' upbringing and still became buddhist.
you'll change as you grow, you might even change religions but if you do, let it be your choice, with no pressure.
I'm horribly confused.
But then what's wrong with another book? Just do what you want to do. You can't let fear, whether it's fear of a wrathful deity, or what might happen to someone if you leave them for all the right reasons, control your actions.
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You need to think of your own emotional well-being, instead of his. You should get the hell away from him.
But that's the predicament. I wasn't flirting more than I do with any regular girl I know. It's how I talk to girls. So after she complained, I had to start having conversations with her online and in person that were a lot more boring.
Edit: I hate when you "Go to newest unread post" and it's the last post on the page, so you don't think to check the page count, and then you quote and reply, and end up quoting and replying to something that was actually said 3 pages ago and has lost its relevance because people posted a lot of stuff to the thread overnight.
Pssh everyone else does it.
cooljammer: yeah, you pretty much have me pegged. I'm a cherry-picker. So are all the moderately religious Jews I know. We'll read the Torah, but we don't have the tradition of only letting men read it aloud. We'll check our email before going to Shabbat services. We like "proclaim liberty throughout the land" but we're not wild about excluding gays and lesbians. And even, in my family, shellfish gets eaten sometimes but pork doesn't. There's no way to live like this (with some traditions, but not the ones that seem awful) and be perfectly internally consistent. Older or more cynical folks don't worry about it; I stress out sometimes.
As for being exposed to new ideas -- well, I decided that there's no point being scared to read a book, and so I'm reading it. (The Evolution of God, by Robert Wright.) I realized I had no idea what modern archaeologists think about the development and compilation of the Torah (it's a hell of a lot later than Mount Sinai) or the evolution of monotheism (later than most people think.) Serious challenges, and I've got to get them figured out, but I'm enough of a scientist not to want to sustain any belief through ignorance of the counter-arguments.
Angel: great, another reason for sprint workouts! Public place sounds good -- hadn't thought of that.
I do want to dump him. I've been with him for almost a year and had some doubts from the beginning. I'm ridiculously happy with him most of the time -- you're getting the bad side of the story because I'm irritated with him at the moment -- but you're right, the problems are there under the surface. The fact that I'm reluctant to break up with him for fear he'll go ballistic/get depressed, and the fact that people have been telling me to leave him for months, are pretty important signs.
http://numberblog.wordpress.com/
If it's alright for me to interject here. Not to bash or anything but it almost sounds like you might have contracted a bit of "white knight" syndrome here. Now, agreed, we don't know all the details and how things go most of the time but if you're reasoning behind staying with him is a fear of his actions/feelings after then I have to agree with most of the posters here and say that your feelings and interests are supposed to be taken into account first and foremost. Not to make it sound like you should be "looking out for number 1" all the time but a healthy relationship starts with you being happy, then working to make your s/o happy.
As for the religious aspect, he really shouldn't force you into anything. I'm anglican or at least loosely anglican. I don't go to church but I'm open to ideas on things pertaining to religion and have a fairly open mind. Hell, I've had two wiccan girlfriends in my life and the thing with religion didn't come up much at all. The whole idea of someone trying to impose their beliefs on someone or change them just really rubs me the wrong way and if you're feeling uncomfortable about it then you should talk to him and express that concern. If he's ignorant of your feelings then that only works to reinforce the views made by others that this relationship should probably end sooner rather then later before it makes you feel that much worse.
EDIT**
And it just figures I get totp. :P
I'm guessing this wasn't the kind of text message that's limited to 160 characters, then...
It's basically saying, "I know this is important to you and everything but I don't personally like it and I want to remake you in my own image of what you should be, according to me"
It's extremely classic abuser/controller behavior and combined with the "needs me" sense of codependence he's trying to instill, the fact that fear of a scene/drama is one reason celandine's relationship is continuing, and the fact that her family doesn't like him and thus he's forcing her to choose between her family and him (and therefore separate her from her support group) makes me think she needs to GTFO of the relationship now or she's going to end up in a counseling/hospital/battered women's shelter a few years down the road.
I read that and couldn't help but think about Alyce's "pornstar boobs" comment made a few pages ago.
At the time I think you paid per 80 characters or something.
I remember reading that story and honestly wondering if the dude in question was socially retarded in some way. It barrels past "obnoxious frat dude" and even "virginal 13-year-old boy who's never seen a nipple IRL" and goes into "doesn't understand why we have to wear pants in public" territory.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
http://forums.penny-arcade.com/showpost.php?p=11150717&postcount=429
I tried searching for it, now I will have all these weird keywords in my "search this thread" history.
Pfft that was clearly all her mom's fault.
Yes even the throwing her out of her own bed.
Hell, I just searched for Alyce and managed to get close and just scrolled up a few posts to find it. :P
Speaking of which I just remembered I once actually rolled my girlfriend out of her own bed, causing her to hit her head really hard on the floor.
Though that was an accident 'cause I was asleep at the time.
Also she had a really heavy head.