I just discovered that American Psycho isn't first date material.
Not that long ago a girl came over my house for what I thought was gonna be some drinks and good times. We had drinks, but she brought this new DVD she got to watch.
Hmm o_O
After they cut up the 80 year old woman who died of bowel cancer I wasn't really in the mood for a good time.
Walking into a Wal-Mart a few years ago, there was this man walking in from the door across the entrance lobby. He looked very short, and had a long white beard and long white hair. He looked what some may consider "Adorable". I nudged my friend and said "Hey sweet, check out that dwarf" I didnt yell this, but I wasnt too quiet about it either. I think he heard me, so did other people. As he got closer I realized (to my horror) that he was an amputee walking about on his stumps.
I felt absolutly terrible
Skull2185 on
Everyone has a price. Throw enough gold around and someone will risk disintegration.
So I just realized I have an embarrassing story relating to mistaken gender!
I am a dude and I usually keep my hair around shoulder length. Well, back in high school I didn't have facial hair (got a beard now, for the reasons you will see). I am also VERY slender, very short, and wear....flamboyant? clothes. I like bright colors and form-fitting attire. I know I bring this on myself, and I have since learned to accept this but I was walking down the halls of high school with my girlfriend and someone walks up behind us and says: "Wow, it is so great that you two feel comfortable showing your affection in public. Being a lesbian is hard sometimes!"
Cue double take when I turned around
Best part? A week later at a concert some drunk guy sees me kiss my girlfriend and he yells: "DUDE! Hot lesbians at this concert man!" to his friend.
Embarrassing for everyone involved.
Best BEST part? I have a pretty good amount of facial hair going on now that I can grow it, and I STILL get "What would you like to drink Ma'am?" from waiters/tresses.
So I just realized I have an embarrassing story relating to mistaken gender!
I am a dude and I usually keep my hair around shoulder length. Well, back in high school I didn't have facial hair (got a beard now, for the reasons you will see). I am also VERY slender, very short, and wear....flamboyant? clothes. I like bright colors and form-fitting attire. I know I bring this on myself, and I have since learned to accept this but I was walking down the halls of high school with my girlfriend and someone walks up behind us and says: "Wow, it is so great that you two feel comfortable showing your affection in public. Being a lesbian is hard sometimes!"
Cue double take when I turned around
Best part? A week later at a concert some drunk guy sees me kiss my girlfriend and he yells: "DUDE! Hot lesbians at this concert man!" to his friend.
Embarrassing for everyone involved.
Best BEST part? I have a pretty good amount of facial hair going on now that I can grow it, and I STILL get "What would you like to drink Ma'am?" from waiters/tresses.
I still get this all the time and I'm almost 30 at this point. I still find the humor in it and usually laugh at the person that made the mistake. Turn it into an embarassing moment for them.
So, a couple weekends in a row I meet this girl named V at a friends party. Now, I had just been broken up with by my girlfriend and really wasn't looking for anything in the romantic relationship zone. However, she seemed like a cool chick so I send her a facebook friend request probably around the 10th of July. She accepts it, but we have very little communication through facebook. So then about 10 days after this she gets into a horrible car accident, massive head trauma and all that jazz. After hearing this, and not having her number(I had her name in my iPhone just not her number.. weird.), I post a general "hope you get better,etc" message on her wall.
Now, I was not the only person who did this, and I was not the only guy who did this either. I thought it wasn't creeper status at all.
I don't hear anything for 3 weeks, other then she's getting better. I didn't really expect her to post anything on her wall, or for her to send out personal thank yous. So I'm not really bummed.
Then I get two text messages from facebook on my phone. One was a add friend request from a guy named J, who I didn't know except that he also posted on V's wall. The other was a message from him.
I saved it for all to enjoy:
Now I thought this to be hilarious and disturbing at the same time. A few friends said that he's just a jealous ex, and that he won't do anything. A few said go to the police. I just decided it wasn't worth getting into a spat over so I just let it be. However, after I relayed this story to another friend of mine he wanted to conduct an experiment, so he added the girl V as well.
No more then 5 minutes later he got an add from this guy J, but he wasn't threatened.
I think I attract these guys because the very next week I had a friend of mine's BF call me on her phone to tell me I was ruining their relationship and their lunch. (By texting to her to ask how much her books cost.)
This is the story of the strangest question I’ve asked in my life so far.
I was sitting eating with a bunch of friends at a restaurant the usual conversation is going on with the usual sports stuff on the TV with the usual news scroll across the bottom when something about Stephen Harper doing something goes by. There was a lull in the conversation between my group and I heard from the other side of the place.
"God I hate Harper remember the wedding"
HUGE LAUGHS
"Yah he probably should have touched my balls by now"
HUGE LAUGHS
Just then everyone in my brain stopped talking and looked at the tape to make sure he said what I thought he said.
"He said touched I know he did"
“Yah but it could have been sucked like “he can suck my balls” or something"
“Who the hell says? ”he can probably suck my balls” idiot!”
4 seconds later and I'm sure it was touched so I got up from my table walk over to the other table and asked
“I'm sorry to interrupt but what do you mean the prime-minister probably should have touched my balls by now?”
Both guys still laughing tell me to have a seat.
So it turns out that these guys were grooms man at a wedding for the one guy’s sister the other was a long time family friend. A few days before the wedding father of the bride calls the hotel where the wedding is being held to double check times and finds out that someone forgot to book the bride suite for the couple on the wedding night. They had their separate rooms for getting ready, but those were only booked till the late checkout time, and turned out the bridal suite had been booked already by someone else (not attending this wedding) and the guy flipped out. After a lot of back and forth turned out there was one room still available and it was the prime-minister’s (of Canada) suite. Super fancy and super expensive but was given to the bride and groom at a lower cost. The room apparently had a helicopter pad access, piano the whole 9 yards (sorry I can't remember the name of the hotel or I would have pictures).
So the wedding party got to the hotel the day of and the groom is told about the room he would get that night.
“Oh fuck dude you got to let us see that room” these guy say.
“NO!” says the groom “You guys'll just fuck it up put rice everywhere or some shit and [brides name]'ll be pissed you can see it in the morning.”
Wedding.
Blah, blah, blah.
Next day.
The grooms’ men get up to the suite two hours before check out to help the bride and groom get themselves together and take the presents out to the cars. The guys help out take the presents outside and get breakfast for the new couple. Finally with a bit of coffee and bagel in her the bride on the way out of the suite says to the brother
“Why is your underwear in your pocket?”
Fortunately she was heading out the suite door when she noticed this and guy #1 got them out while her brother ran in and locked the door behind him. The bride freaks out and guy #1 tells them what her brother plans to do. Apparently she wasn’t very shocked with this.
For the next 5 minutes everything in that room that could be was rubbed with this guys balls phone, head board, piano, patio door handle, mini bar, mini bar contents; pretty much everything that was under 3 feet off the ground, or could be taken down and might be touched by the leader of our country had a liberal amount of sack applied to it. The guy figured that they would probably wipe down just about everything but they might not get to some of the other less obvious things all the time. And really I ask you dear D&D S&E thread readers you can a feather duster get testicular cells off the keys of a piano?
So the brother comes out shows the bride and groom nothing has been damaged and off they went to that post wedding present opening thingy with a laugh and a great story.
My husband also had issues with being thought the wrong gender... but only from the back.
His hair was past his shoulders and my school friends consisted of a lot of women (and lesbians, so their SOs were women too). Almost every single time we went out to dinner the waitperson would walk up right behind my husband and say "Hello Ladies" and launch into the specials and stuff. Several seconds in they would be looking around the table and see my husbands face and stop and apologize for calling him a lady.
Yeah, I suck at telling stories, but it really was funny at the time and the waitpeople always acted embarrassed.
Kistra on
Animal Crossing: City Folk Lissa in Filmore 3179-9580-0076
This is the story of the strangest question I’ve asked in my life so far.
[Funny comment]
“I'm sorry to interrupt but what do you mean the prime-minister probably should have touched my balls by now?”
Both guys still laughing tell me to have a seat.
[Awesome and Hilarious Story]
For my entire life, I have always had a philosophy of simply minding my own business and letting such amusing overheard comments pass. I tend to assume that people want to be left alone and don't want to share their stories with eavesdropping strangers. This tale has thrown my philosophy into question. Everything I've ever known was a liiiiiie.
I'm not quite sure if I've ever shared this story in one of these threads, so I'm going to post it just in case. Either way, it's probably the funniest embarrassing story I can tell, though the time I shit my pants riding my brand new bike at my 11th birthday party comes close. Ok, here goes. FYI, this happened to my best friend at the time, Jon.
So, I grew up on an Air Force base. Columbus Air Force Base, to be exact. Mississippi. If you've ever lived on a base, you probably know that you tend to form a small group of friends that end up being very close, and therefore pretty much know everything that happens to each other within 5 minutes of it happening. Jon was a good guy...black belt in Tae Kwon Do, fun to hang around, had a crazy ass mother (she was Filipino, and lost her mind over almost everything), and was just generally a good friend. But he was also a dumbass, and he had the worst luck in the world. That was just Jon. Total dumbass, but in a goofy, entertaining way.
Jon ended up dating this girl Stephanie. I believe at this time, Jon's father was a Tech Sergeant (E-6) in the Air Force, and Stephanie's father was a Major. Jon and Stephanie had been going out for a while, but her parents were pretty strict. She had to be home by 9 o'clock, she always had to tell them exactly where she was going and who she was going with, and in general they kept her on a tight leash. But, being teenagers (I believe Jon was 16 and she was 15 at the time), their hormones were going apeshit. So they hatched a plan.
After school, but before her parents got home, she would unlock the back door and Jon would sneak in and hide in her closet until everyone went to bed, then they would get their freak on. Jon's parents didn't really notice, as they really didn't care all that much about what he did. It was the perfect plan. And it worked for a little while, as Jon wouldn't shut the fuck up about how awesome it was, blah blah blah. He was basically just excited to be having sex.
Then one day, we all just stopped seeing Jon anywhere but school. Even at school, he was really quiet and just kept to himself, didn't really talk to us or hang out or anything. Stephanie went to a private school, so we really never saw her all that much anyway, but we'd noticed she hadn't been out and about either. So of course, we got curious. Strangely enough, noone knew what was going on, even though we all would normally know really quickly about anything happening. So we asked Jon's brother, Josh, what was up. This is the story he relayed.
Jon had, as mentioned before, been sneaking into Stephanie's house and fucking her when everyone was asleep for about a month or so. One day, he was hiding in her closet as per usual when her mom came in to talk to Stephanie a bit and went to get her dirty clothes from the closet. Stephanie nervously stopped her and said she'd take care of it, and while her mom thought she was acting strange, she probably just thought that she was just being a teenaged girl and left it alone. So she went to leave the room when she heard a sneeze come from behind the closet door.
Stephanie froze. Her mom walked over to the closet and opened the door, and lo and behold, there was Jon, eyes as big as dinner plates, scared as hell, knowing he was fucked. Her mom calls in the Major. Jon is terrified.
In walks the Major, who grabs Jon by the collar and drags him out of the closet, while Stephanie's mom is screaming at her and Stephanie is crying uncontrollably. The Major stands Jon up and asks him just what the hell he thinks he's doing.
The only reply Jon's terrified brain can send to his lips?
"I SWEAR I'M A VIRGIN! I SWEAR I'M A VIRGIN!"
Parents were called, people were grounded (and probably worse), and a legend was born. To this day, I don't think I've ever laughed as hard as I did when I found out what happened.
I just remembered a kind-of recent embarrassment that I'm a bit surprised I neglected to share.
A couple months back, in April to be exact, a friend of mine was given money from his brother, who is in the army and in Iraq, to throw a party with him as the man of honor. Yeah, I thought it was kind of weird too, but who am I to argue with free food and booze. The guy decides to make it into a camping trip. I've never really done much camping, so I had to go buy a tent, bring something to sleep on/in, etc. This place was seriously out of the way too, with tall grass and huge hills that only trucks or jeeps could scale. I had also made the poor choice of wearing shorts, and subsequently froze to death with the pitiful fire that was going.
But there was booze there, which is where this story starts to derail. Surprising, yes, I know.
I start off just taking sips of beer, going pretty slow. Then someone convinces me to do a keg stand. I've never done one of these before, before nor after this one. I apparently held out for a time I can't remember, but set a record. I was stood up by those around me and was in a daze before throwing up a little bit. It literally felt like in a cartoon where someone just stands there bug-eyed, blargs a tiny bit, and immediately goes back to the bug-eyed stare like he's been violated.
But that's not the embarrassing part.
The guy had also purchased the then recently released 100 proof Captain Morgan. Oh yes, a long keg stand followed by some highly potent alcohol. Nothing could possibly go wrong here. All of this catches up to me at one point when I sit down in a fold-out camping chair. From my perspective, I sit down when suddenly the world turns side-ways, because I've just fallen over along with the chair. I kind of lay there with the side of my face stuffed in the long grass trying to figure out what has gone wrong here.
That's still not the embarrassing part.
Eventually, people start going to bed. It gets to the point where I, along with six other guys, are the only ones still awake. We dub ourselves the final seven and give a toast to our monumental achievement. Then some guys ran through the campfire. I think. Then we all head for our tents to pass out. One guy even looked around for an empty tent, proclaiming "THIS ONE'S EMPTY!" upon finding one and going to sleep in it. I stumble into my tent and pass out. I vaguely recall something horrible happening before I pass out, but that doesn't stop me from sleeping. The next morning I wake up. There appears to be something on the floor of the tent. Additionally, there is also something on my quilt I was sleeping under. It looks very gross and smells gross and--
Holy shit I threw up in my sleep last night.
...AND THEN I ROLLED AROUND IN IT!!
Some guys had looked in my tent and saw the mess. Some thought I had shit myself. I assured them it was, indeed, barf. Whenever the topic of camping or tents come up now, I'm referred to as "that guy who threw up in his tent."
I'm also not allowed to sleep in a tent with other people...
Omeks on
Online Info (Click Spoiler for More): |Xbox Live Tag: Omeks |PSN Tag:Omeks_R7 |Rock Band:Profile|DLC Collection
For my school's National Honor Society induction ceremony they would call all the new inductees up on stage and then announce them as "'So-and-so', son/daughter of 'mother' and 'father.'"
So we all watch and wait our turns until it's my friend's turn. He goes up and they say, "Joshua, daughter of Nancy and Hiram."
We all burst out laughing and my friend says, "No one ever pronounces his name right."
Kaiju15 on
It is your duty as a filmgoer to see Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World.
I've been in IT all my life and had a lot of positions.
One of my first companies I came back from lunch and most of the 30 employees are loitering in the lobby since the boss was gone. I am picked up by a huge guy in sales that liked to show off for the girls and he screams 'BEAR HUG'.
My intestines were full of gas and I started rattling off an intense 'string of fire crackers' fart and instead of letting go of me he just sqeezes harder. It lasted for about ten seconds before he dropped me and by that time every had moved away.
I went back to my office to hide for the rest of the day.
I've been in IT all my life and had a lot of positions.
One of my first companies I came back from lunch and most of the 30 employees are loitering in the lobby since the boss was gone. I am picked up by a huge guy in sales that liked to show off for the girls and he screams 'BEAR HUG'.
My intestines were full of gas and I started rattling off an intense 'string of fire crackers' fart and instead of letting go of me he just sqeezes harder. It lasted for about ten seconds before he dropped me and by that time every had moved away.
I went back to my office to hide for the rest of the day.
I just spit my pepsi out.
this is the funniest thing ever
I thnk it may be the fart description but I'm still laughing!
Skull2185 on
Everyone has a price. Throw enough gold around and someone will risk disintegration.
I don't understand the shoe story. I mean, theres a perfectly good vagina right there and all the guy wants to fuck is her shoe? Insane.
Fetishes are insane, huh
The strange and embarrassing bit in that story, IMO, was his inability to articulate his desire and just do it with an unsuspecting girl. Communication is key!
Not sure how I'd broach that particular subject.
Me: "Wow, this is great. You're so attractive right now. How about some sex?"
Girl: "Sure, big guy... let's go at it!"
Me: "I wasn't talking to you." *eyes shoe*
Girl: "..."
Me: *keeps looking at shoe*
Girl: *wiggles foot*
Me: "Baby... you had me at hello..."
Joking aside, your point is valid. Kinks are something you ease someone else into. You don't just run for the finish line. Unless, of course, your kink involves Usain Bolt.
Joking aside, your point is valid. Kinks are something you ease someone else into. You don't just run for the finish line. Unless, of course, your kink involves Usain Bolt.
I read this as "Kinks are something you ease someone else into. You don't just run for the fetish line."
I went to a housewarming party a few weeks ago, and it was the first time in a while that I had drunk a significant amount. In retrospect, taking eight cans of Scrumpy Jack and then partaking of the mysterious punch wasn't the best way to ease myself back into social drinking, and my toilet bowl agreed the next day.
I spent the rest of my hangover wondering what awful things I had done while my memory was taking the evening off. I was understandably worried, as this party involved not just my friends but a bunch of people I had only met for the first time that evening. Previous drunken escapades of mine have included wrestling a friend on gravel and ripping her dress, falling asleep in a cocktail bar before waking up to chew a friend out for being self-absorbed, trying to commandeer a punt to get back to my halls of residence, and swigging from a bottle of Captain Morgan proclaiming that as a sailing instructor, it was my prerogative.
Apparently, though, all I had done at the housewarming was demonstrate a whole bunch of card tricks. Which, while considerably better than yelling at somebody and tackling them to the ground, has severely increased people's perception of me as an utter fucking nerd.
Although I guess it's better that they find out sooner than later.
There's a guy I work with who's short and has a higher-pitched voice. Despite the fact that his hair is super-short, he gets called "ma'am" all the time.
KirbithI appear to be made of delicious cake. Registered Userregular
edited September 2009
Well, this is embarrassing to me at least.
I used to work at CVS, for about a year, and this was during my second year of college. I also should mention I worked on 3rd shift. It was in a small town, at we were the only place in town you could buy alcohol after midnight, since we could sell it til 3am. And I just worked part time there, being in school and all, so I mostly worked friday and saturday nights, when they needed more than one person to be there. I couldn't tell you how many times I was asked if I was old enough to sell people their alcohol. I mean pretty much every night I worked. Oh and of course also the usual getting asked if I was old enough to sell them their cigarettes.
No, I'm the only person at the register at 1am, but I can't sell you that sir.
Just always makes me feel bad that I get mistaken for being in the 15-16 year old range. And I'm 21.
I used to work at CVS, for about a year, and this was during my second year of college. I also should mention I worked on 3rd shift. It was in a small town, at we were the only place in town you could buy alcohol after midnight, since we could sell it til 3am. And I just worked part time there, being in school and all, so I mostly worked friday and saturday nights, when they needed more than one person to be there. I couldn't tell you how many times I was asked if I was old enough to sell people their alcohol. I mean pretty much every night I worked. Oh and of course also the usual getting asked if I was old enough to sell them their cigarettes.
No, I'm the only person at the register at 1am, but I can't sell you that sir.
Just always makes me feel bad that I get mistaken for being in the 15-16 year old range. And I'm 21.
Join the club. I'm 25 and my wife is 26 and we still get asked if we want student admissions. Also, only one time in my life have I not been carded. Then the waiter came back to the table and carded me.
JHunz on
Gamertag: JHunz. R.I.P. Mygamercard.net
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KirbithI appear to be made of delicious cake. Registered Userregular
edited September 2009
On that note, my boyfriend and I like to go to the movies on occasion, and often we like to see R movies. Now he is the same age as me and he really does look his age. There's really no one someone could mistake him for being younger than he is. We get carded pretty much every time we go to an R movie.
I'm sure I'll be getting carded for alcohol for a verrrrrry long time.
On that note, my boyfriend and I like to go to the movies on occasion, and often we like to see R movies. Now he is the same age as me and he really does look his age. There's really no one someone could mistake him for being younger than he is. We get carded pretty much every time we go to an R movie.
I'm sure I'll be getting carded for alcohol for a verrrrrry long time.
it beats being balding and being asked how many kids you have at age 16 like my best friend. I have a babyface and only need to shave every 3rd or 4th day. He has a 5 o'clock shadow at 10am. He's sporting the full Picard horseshoe now.
So, I might as well contribute one from the lolsworthy days of High School.
Sitting around in Chemistry class, later in the semester so its usually "first half lecture, second half do shit in your books". Now this teacher has a tendancy to put his foot in his mouth with great force, and had no idea, EVER, what he'd just said - the whole class would just crack up. I unfortunately don't remember any other stories from this guy...
Random chick 1 is chatting, not so quietly, to random chick 2 in front of her.
Teacher walks up.
"You should work less with your mouth, and more with your fingers - you'll both enjoy it more."
That was a *good* day - I learned that people can turn VERY interesting shades of red!
I used to work for a conference center, the kind of place that provides rooms for up to a hundred people, all the audio/visual tech you need and feeds your group lunch/dinner. I was the 2nd in command of the service department (head go-for) and took care of most of the clients immediate needs. I worked in the state capital at the time and the Governor had created some bureaucratic waste of taxpayers money. So, this group is everything I hated in a group: full of self-absorbed “important people”, over demanding to a fault, and no matter how many times they came in they would never confirm for enough people. They would also make us rearrange the set up every time they came in.
On the day in question all my coworkers are in a tizzy because the Governor is coming today. My day starts as usual, the head of the group shows up and wants me to rearrange the set up for a hundred people in the half hour before they show up. I get to work and get it done, and as I finish I go out on a smoke break. As soon as I light up, I get radioed that the meeting is starting, but it looks like they 20 or so extra people.
Now, I am a little pissed that I don’t get to smoke put to be honest I expected it. I run up to the room and start bringing in extra fold up tables and chairs as the meeting starts. The tables that we used for this room CANNOT be set up quietly. The locking mechanism that keeps the legs closed for storage is plastic and metal, the metal grinds and the plastic pops loudly when you open them.
So I am in zoned out working, Bang! Pop!, Bang! Pop!, Bang! Pop!, when I notice that it is unusually quite. I start to replay the last few minutes of the Governor in my head. “So and So has passed sense our last meeting lets have a moment of silence in respect.
I used to work for a conference center, the kind of place that provides rooms for up to a hundred people, all the audio/visual tech you need and feeds your group lunch/dinner. I was the 2nd in command of the service department (head go-for) and took care of most of the clients immediate needs. I worked in the state capital at the time and the Governor had created some bureaucratic waste of taxpayers money. So, this group is everything I hated in a group: full of self-absorbed “important people”, over demanding to a fault, and no matter how many times they came in they would never confirm for enough people. They would also make us rearrange the set up every time they came in.
On the day in question all my coworkers are in a tizzy because the Governor is coming today. My day starts as usual, the head of the group shows up and wants me to rearrange the set up for a hundred people in the half hour before they show up. I get to work and get it done, and as I finish I go out on a smoke break. As soon as I light up, I get radioed that the meeting is starting, but it looks like they 20 or so extra people.
Now, I am a little pissed that I don’t get to smoke put to be honest I expected it. I run up to the room and start bringing in extra fold up tables and chairs as the meeting starts. The tables that we used for this room CANNOT be set up quietly. The locking mechanism that keeps the legs closed for storage is plastic and metal, the metal grinds and the plastic pops loudly when you open them.
So I am in zoned out working, Bang! Pop!, Bang! Pop!, Bang! Pop!, when I notice that it is unusually quite. I start to replay the last few minutes of the Governor in my head. “So and So has passed sense our last meeting lets have a moment of silence in respect.
On that note, my boyfriend and I like to go to the movies on occasion, and often we like to see R movies. Now he is the same age as me and he really does look his age. There's really no one someone could mistake him for being younger than he is. We get carded pretty much every time we go to an R movie.
I'm sure I'll be getting carded for alcohol for a verrrrrry long time.
I have the face of a 12 year old but the body of a 50 year old.
On that note, my boyfriend and I like to go to the movies on occasion, and often we like to see R movies. Now he is the same age as me and he really does look his age. There's really no one someone could mistake him for being younger than he is. We get carded pretty much every time we go to an R movie.
I'm sure I'll be getting carded for alcohol for a verrrrrry long time.
I have the face of a 12 year old but the body of a 50 year old.
But thank you though.
Lies.
The face and body of a strapping young 21 year old. :winky:
Posts
It is for my type of girl. :winky:
Not that long ago a girl came over my house for what I thought was gonna be some drinks and good times. We had drinks, but she brought this new DVD she got to watch.
Hmm o_O
After they cut up the 80 year old woman who died of bowel cancer I wasn't really in the mood for a good time.
Pshhhhh, hands will watch anything.
Seriously, my girlfriend (now wife) and I made out through a viewing of Falling Down. To this day Michael Douglas gives me an erection.
Wait. Oh shit.
I felt absolutly terrible
I am a dude and I usually keep my hair around shoulder length. Well, back in high school I didn't have facial hair (got a beard now, for the reasons you will see). I am also VERY slender, very short, and wear....flamboyant? clothes. I like bright colors and form-fitting attire. I know I bring this on myself, and I have since learned to accept this but I was walking down the halls of high school with my girlfriend and someone walks up behind us and says: "Wow, it is so great that you two feel comfortable showing your affection in public. Being a lesbian is hard sometimes!"
Cue double take when I turned around
Best part? A week later at a concert some drunk guy sees me kiss my girlfriend and he yells: "DUDE! Hot lesbians at this concert man!" to his friend.
Embarrassing for everyone involved.
Best BEST part? I have a pretty good amount of facial hair going on now that I can grow it, and I STILL get "What would you like to drink Ma'am?" from waiters/tresses.
It'a weird to watch an embarrassing moment happen in real time.
I still get this all the time and I'm almost 30 at this point. I still find the humor in it and usually laugh at the person that made the mistake. Turn it into an embarassing moment for them.
PSN : Bolthorn
So, a couple weekends in a row I meet this girl named V at a friends party. Now, I had just been broken up with by my girlfriend and really wasn't looking for anything in the romantic relationship zone. However, she seemed like a cool chick so I send her a facebook friend request probably around the 10th of July. She accepts it, but we have very little communication through facebook. So then about 10 days after this she gets into a horrible car accident, massive head trauma and all that jazz. After hearing this, and not having her number(I had her name in my iPhone just not her number.. weird.), I post a general "hope you get better,etc" message on her wall.
Now, I was not the only person who did this, and I was not the only guy who did this either. I thought it wasn't creeper status at all.
I don't hear anything for 3 weeks, other then she's getting better. I didn't really expect her to post anything on her wall, or for her to send out personal thank yous. So I'm not really bummed.
Then I get two text messages from facebook on my phone. One was a add friend request from a guy named J, who I didn't know except that he also posted on V's wall. The other was a message from him.
I saved it for all to enjoy:
Now I thought this to be hilarious and disturbing at the same time. A few friends said that he's just a jealous ex, and that he won't do anything. A few said go to the police. I just decided it wasn't worth getting into a spat over so I just let it be. However, after I relayed this story to another friend of mine he wanted to conduct an experiment, so he added the girl V as well.
No more then 5 minutes later he got an add from this guy J, but he wasn't threatened.
I think I attract these guys because the very next week I had a friend of mine's BF call me on her phone to tell me I was ruining their relationship and their lunch. (By texting to her to ask how much her books cost.)
None.
Probably.
I'd be pretty worried if I was threatened by a headless-torso.
it is amazing that he was able to type at all, what with the whole not having eyes and/or a brain thing.
Hasn't scooby-doo taught you anything?
"And I woulda broken his fuckin head on the ground too if it wasn't for you meddling kids!"
I was sitting eating with a bunch of friends at a restaurant the usual conversation is going on with the usual sports stuff on the TV with the usual news scroll across the bottom when something about Stephen Harper doing something goes by. There was a lull in the conversation between my group and I heard from the other side of the place.
"God I hate Harper remember the wedding"
HUGE LAUGHS
"Yah he probably should have touched my balls by now"
HUGE LAUGHS
Just then everyone in my brain stopped talking and looked at the tape to make sure he said what I thought he said.
"He said touched I know he did"
“Yah but it could have been sucked like “he can suck my balls” or something"
“Who the hell says? ”he can probably suck my balls” idiot!”
4 seconds later and I'm sure it was touched so I got up from my table walk over to the other table and asked
“I'm sorry to interrupt but what do you mean the prime-minister probably should have touched my balls by now?”
Both guys still laughing tell me to have a seat.
So it turns out that these guys were grooms man at a wedding for the one guy’s sister the other was a long time family friend. A few days before the wedding father of the bride calls the hotel where the wedding is being held to double check times and finds out that someone forgot to book the bride suite for the couple on the wedding night. They had their separate rooms for getting ready, but those were only booked till the late checkout time, and turned out the bridal suite had been booked already by someone else (not attending this wedding) and the guy flipped out. After a lot of back and forth turned out there was one room still available and it was the prime-minister’s (of Canada) suite. Super fancy and super expensive but was given to the bride and groom at a lower cost. The room apparently had a helicopter pad access, piano the whole 9 yards (sorry I can't remember the name of the hotel or I would have pictures).
So the wedding party got to the hotel the day of and the groom is told about the room he would get that night.
“Oh fuck dude you got to let us see that room” these guy say.
“NO!” says the groom “You guys'll just fuck it up put rice everywhere or some shit and [brides name]'ll be pissed you can see it in the morning.”
Wedding.
Blah, blah, blah.
Next day.
The grooms’ men get up to the suite two hours before check out to help the bride and groom get themselves together and take the presents out to the cars. The guys help out take the presents outside and get breakfast for the new couple. Finally with a bit of coffee and bagel in her the bride on the way out of the suite says to the brother
“Why is your underwear in your pocket?”
Fortunately she was heading out the suite door when she noticed this and guy #1 got them out while her brother ran in and locked the door behind him. The bride freaks out and guy #1 tells them what her brother plans to do. Apparently she wasn’t very shocked with this.
For the next 5 minutes everything in that room that could be was rubbed with this guys balls phone, head board, piano, patio door handle, mini bar, mini bar contents; pretty much everything that was under 3 feet off the ground, or could be taken down and might be touched by the leader of our country had a liberal amount of sack applied to it. The guy figured that they would probably wipe down just about everything but they might not get to some of the other less obvious things all the time. And really I ask you dear D&D S&E thread readers you can a feather duster get testicular cells off the keys of a piano?
So the brother comes out shows the bride and groom nothing has been damaged and off they went to that post wedding present opening thingy with a laugh and a great story.
His hair was past his shoulders and my school friends consisted of a lot of women (and lesbians, so their SOs were women too). Almost every single time we went out to dinner the waitperson would walk up right behind my husband and say "Hello Ladies" and launch into the specials and stuff. Several seconds in they would be looking around the table and see my husbands face and stop and apologize for calling him a lady.
Yeah, I suck at telling stories, but it really was funny at the time and the waitpeople always acted embarrassed.
For my entire life, I have always had a philosophy of simply minding my own business and letting such amusing overheard comments pass. I tend to assume that people want to be left alone and don't want to share their stories with eavesdropping strangers. This tale has thrown my philosophy into question. Everything I've ever known was a liiiiiie.
So, I grew up on an Air Force base. Columbus Air Force Base, to be exact. Mississippi. If you've ever lived on a base, you probably know that you tend to form a small group of friends that end up being very close, and therefore pretty much know everything that happens to each other within 5 minutes of it happening. Jon was a good guy...black belt in Tae Kwon Do, fun to hang around, had a crazy ass mother (she was Filipino, and lost her mind over almost everything), and was just generally a good friend. But he was also a dumbass, and he had the worst luck in the world. That was just Jon. Total dumbass, but in a goofy, entertaining way.
Jon ended up dating this girl Stephanie. I believe at this time, Jon's father was a Tech Sergeant (E-6) in the Air Force, and Stephanie's father was a Major. Jon and Stephanie had been going out for a while, but her parents were pretty strict. She had to be home by 9 o'clock, she always had to tell them exactly where she was going and who she was going with, and in general they kept her on a tight leash. But, being teenagers (I believe Jon was 16 and she was 15 at the time), their hormones were going apeshit. So they hatched a plan.
After school, but before her parents got home, she would unlock the back door and Jon would sneak in and hide in her closet until everyone went to bed, then they would get their freak on. Jon's parents didn't really notice, as they really didn't care all that much about what he did. It was the perfect plan. And it worked for a little while, as Jon wouldn't shut the fuck up about how awesome it was, blah blah blah. He was basically just excited to be having sex.
Then one day, we all just stopped seeing Jon anywhere but school. Even at school, he was really quiet and just kept to himself, didn't really talk to us or hang out or anything. Stephanie went to a private school, so we really never saw her all that much anyway, but we'd noticed she hadn't been out and about either. So of course, we got curious. Strangely enough, noone knew what was going on, even though we all would normally know really quickly about anything happening. So we asked Jon's brother, Josh, what was up. This is the story he relayed.
Jon had, as mentioned before, been sneaking into Stephanie's house and fucking her when everyone was asleep for about a month or so. One day, he was hiding in her closet as per usual when her mom came in to talk to Stephanie a bit and went to get her dirty clothes from the closet. Stephanie nervously stopped her and said she'd take care of it, and while her mom thought she was acting strange, she probably just thought that she was just being a teenaged girl and left it alone. So she went to leave the room when she heard a sneeze come from behind the closet door.
Stephanie froze. Her mom walked over to the closet and opened the door, and lo and behold, there was Jon, eyes as big as dinner plates, scared as hell, knowing he was fucked. Her mom calls in the Major. Jon is terrified.
In walks the Major, who grabs Jon by the collar and drags him out of the closet, while Stephanie's mom is screaming at her and Stephanie is crying uncontrollably. The Major stands Jon up and asks him just what the hell he thinks he's doing.
The only reply Jon's terrified brain can send to his lips?
Parents were called, people were grounded (and probably worse), and a legend was born. To this day, I don't think I've ever laughed as hard as I did when I found out what happened.
A couple months back, in April to be exact, a friend of mine was given money from his brother, who is in the army and in Iraq, to throw a party with him as the man of honor. Yeah, I thought it was kind of weird too, but who am I to argue with free food and booze. The guy decides to make it into a camping trip. I've never really done much camping, so I had to go buy a tent, bring something to sleep on/in, etc. This place was seriously out of the way too, with tall grass and huge hills that only trucks or jeeps could scale. I had also made the poor choice of wearing shorts, and subsequently froze to death with the pitiful fire that was going.
But there was booze there, which is where this story starts to derail. Surprising, yes, I know.
I start off just taking sips of beer, going pretty slow. Then someone convinces me to do a keg stand. I've never done one of these before, before nor after this one. I apparently held out for a time I can't remember, but set a record. I was stood up by those around me and was in a daze before throwing up a little bit. It literally felt like in a cartoon where someone just stands there bug-eyed, blargs a tiny bit, and immediately goes back to the bug-eyed stare like he's been violated.
But that's not the embarrassing part.
The guy had also purchased the then recently released 100 proof Captain Morgan. Oh yes, a long keg stand followed by some highly potent alcohol. Nothing could possibly go wrong here. All of this catches up to me at one point when I sit down in a fold-out camping chair. From my perspective, I sit down when suddenly the world turns side-ways, because I've just fallen over along with the chair. I kind of lay there with the side of my face stuffed in the long grass trying to figure out what has gone wrong here.
That's still not the embarrassing part.
Eventually, people start going to bed. It gets to the point where I, along with six other guys, are the only ones still awake. We dub ourselves the final seven and give a toast to our monumental achievement. Then some guys ran through the campfire. I think. Then we all head for our tents to pass out. One guy even looked around for an empty tent, proclaiming "THIS ONE'S EMPTY!" upon finding one and going to sleep in it. I stumble into my tent and pass out. I vaguely recall something horrible happening before I pass out, but that doesn't stop me from sleeping. The next morning I wake up. There appears to be something on the floor of the tent. Additionally, there is also something on my quilt I was sleeping under. It looks very gross and smells gross and--
Holy shit I threw up in my sleep last night.
...AND THEN I ROLLED AROUND IN IT!!
Some guys had looked in my tent and saw the mess. Some thought I had shit myself. I assured them it was, indeed, barf. Whenever the topic of camping or tents come up now, I'm referred to as "that guy who threw up in his tent."
I'm also not allowed to sleep in a tent with other people...
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So we all watch and wait our turns until it's my friend's turn. He goes up and they say, "Joshua, daughter of Nancy and Hiram."
We all burst out laughing and my friend says, "No one ever pronounces his name right."
One of my first companies I came back from lunch and most of the 30 employees are loitering in the lobby since the boss was gone. I am picked up by a huge guy in sales that liked to show off for the girls and he screams 'BEAR HUG'.
My intestines were full of gas and I started rattling off an intense 'string of fire crackers' fart and instead of letting go of me he just sqeezes harder. It lasted for about ten seconds before he dropped me and by that time every had moved away.
I went back to my office to hide for the rest of the day.
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I just spit my pepsi out.
this is the funniest thing ever
I thnk it may be the fart description but I'm still laughing!
Me: "Wow, this is great. You're so attractive right now. How about some sex?"
Girl: "Sure, big guy... let's go at it!"
Me: "I wasn't talking to you." *eyes shoe*
Girl: "..."
Me: *keeps looking at shoe*
Girl: *wiggles foot*
Me: "Baby... you had me at hello..."
Joking aside, your point is valid. Kinks are something you ease someone else into. You don't just run for the finish line. Unless, of course, your kink involves Usain Bolt.
If you don't want to be mistaken for a chick, get a goddamn haircut.
I read this as "Kinks are something you ease someone else into. You don't just run for the fetish line."
I spent the rest of my hangover wondering what awful things I had done while my memory was taking the evening off. I was understandably worried, as this party involved not just my friends but a bunch of people I had only met for the first time that evening. Previous drunken escapades of mine have included wrestling a friend on gravel and ripping her dress, falling asleep in a cocktail bar before waking up to chew a friend out for being self-absorbed, trying to commandeer a punt to get back to my halls of residence, and swigging from a bottle of Captain Morgan proclaiming that as a sailing instructor, it was my prerogative.
Apparently, though, all I had done at the housewarming was demonstrate a whole bunch of card tricks. Which, while considerably better than yelling at somebody and tackling them to the ground, has severely increased people's perception of me as an utter fucking nerd.
>_>
<_<
Or wear a badge. That would also work.
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I used to work at CVS, for about a year, and this was during my second year of college. I also should mention I worked on 3rd shift. It was in a small town, at we were the only place in town you could buy alcohol after midnight, since we could sell it til 3am. And I just worked part time there, being in school and all, so I mostly worked friday and saturday nights, when they needed more than one person to be there. I couldn't tell you how many times I was asked if I was old enough to sell people their alcohol. I mean pretty much every night I worked. Oh and of course also the usual getting asked if I was old enough to sell them their cigarettes.
No, I'm the only person at the register at 1am, but I can't sell you that sir.
Just always makes me feel bad that I get mistaken for being in the 15-16 year old range. And I'm 21.
Join the club. I'm 25 and my wife is 26 and we still get asked if we want student admissions. Also, only one time in my life have I not been carded. Then the waiter came back to the table and carded me.
I'm sure I'll be getting carded for alcohol for a verrrrrry long time.
it beats being balding and being asked how many kids you have at age 16 like my best friend. I have a babyface and only need to shave every 3rd or 4th day. He has a 5 o'clock shadow at 10am. He's sporting the full Picard horseshoe now.
Sitting around in Chemistry class, later in the semester so its usually "first half lecture, second half do shit in your books". Now this teacher has a tendancy to put his foot in his mouth with great force, and had no idea, EVER, what he'd just said - the whole class would just crack up. I unfortunately don't remember any other stories from this guy...
Random chick 1 is chatting, not so quietly, to random chick 2 in front of her.
Teacher walks up.
"You should work less with your mouth, and more with your fingers - you'll both enjoy it more."
That was a *good* day - I learned that people can turn VERY interesting shades of red!
On the day in question all my coworkers are in a tizzy because the Governor is coming today. My day starts as usual, the head of the group shows up and wants me to rearrange the set up for a hundred people in the half hour before they show up. I get to work and get it done, and as I finish I go out on a smoke break. As soon as I light up, I get radioed that the meeting is starting, but it looks like they 20 or so extra people.
Now, I am a little pissed that I don’t get to smoke put to be honest I expected it. I run up to the room and start bringing in extra fold up tables and chairs as the meeting starts. The tables that we used for this room CANNOT be set up quietly. The locking mechanism that keeps the legs closed for storage is plastic and metal, the metal grinds and the plastic pops loudly when you open them.
So I am in zoned out working, Bang! Pop!, Bang! Pop!, Bang! Pop!, when I notice that it is unusually quite. I start to replay the last few minutes of the Governor in my head. “So and So has passed sense our last meeting lets have a moment of silence in respect.
Quite good though.
I have the face of a 12 year old but the body of a 50 year old.
But thank you though.
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Lies.
The face and body of a strapping young 21 year old. :winky: