Descendant XSkyrim is my god now.Outpost 31Registered Userregular
edited September 2009
After three or four threads and wanting to add to every one of them, I finally remember a tale or two to tell.
This one happened back when I was about 14 or 15. I went to a church youth group at the time who used to play Mission Impossible on a fairly regular basis. To the uninitiated, this involves a bunch of teenagers running around in the dark trying not to be spotted by a guy in a tower with a searchlight. These games used to go until fairly late, and they were always a blast.
On this particular evening we were on our way back to the church with one of the group leaders. In the minivan was myself, two friends of mine, the group leader's daughter and her friend (both hot) and the group leader (who was female.) For whatever reason we were talking about olympic sports, and I modified the subject to olympic sports in which women would never participate.
The topic of sumo wrestling came up, and I went with it. I began to wonder in detail how amusing it would be if a woman sumo wrestler would fare against a male sumo wrestler. And then I imagined the battle cry of the female sumo wrester in a loud, rumbling voice:
"IT'S MY TIME OF THE MONTH! YOU LOSE!"
The van went completely quiet. One of my friends nudged me and called me an idiot. Not one word was spoken for the 20 minutes left in the trip back to the church.
Descendant X on
Garry: I know you gentlemen have been through a lot, but when you find the time I'd rather not spend the rest of the winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!
After three or four threads and wanting to add to every one of them, I finally remember a tale or two to tell.
This one happened back when I was about 14 or 15. I went to a church youth group at the time who used to play Mission Impossible on a fairly regular basis. To the uninitiated, this involves a bunch of teenagers running around in the dark trying not to be spotted by a guy in a tower with a searchlight. These games used to go until fairly late, and they were always a blast.
On this particular evening we were on our way back to the church with one of the group leaders. In the minivan was myself, two friends of mine, the group leader's daughter and her friend (both hot) and the group leader (who was female.) For whatever reason we were talking about olympic sports, and I modified the subject to olympic sports in which women would never participate.
The topic of sumo wrestling came up, and I went with it. I began to wonder in detail how amusing it would be if a woman sumo wrestler would fare against a male sumo wrestler. And then I imagined the battle cry of the female sumo wrester in a loud, rumbling voice:
"IT'S MY TIME OF THE MONTH! YOU LOSE!"
The van went completely quiet. One of my friends nudged me and called me an idiot. Not one word was spoken for the 20 minutes left in the trip back to the church.
baahahahaha! what a bunch of prudes. Then again, im a front runner of foon-in-mouth disease and say the most inappropriate things that i personally find hillarious, even if its wrong.
The other day the wife and I were picking up our boys from daycare (2 and 4). My 4 year old has a friend, thats a little girl, there that hes known since he was a baby. My wife went to school with the little girls mother (whos a bit of a whore and a bitch to boot. Her older brother was in my class and an asshole. whole familys screwed up).
we're getting the boys all strapped into the car and tell the boys "there goes El, say bye!" and my 2 year old babbles out "i like El" and I ask him if everyone loves El. He nods. An me being the retarded jackass i am say, "everyone loves El, she'll be the everyones doorknob someday."
luckily my wife forgave me and the boys havent repeated or even knew what i was talking about. They ended up being parked right next to us and fortunately didnt hear what i said.
holy hell im retarded
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Descendant XSkyrim is my god now.Outpost 31Registered Userregular
Ignore the video, it's the best version of the song I could find.
Descendant X on
Garry: I know you gentlemen have been through a lot, but when you find the time I'd rather not spend the rest of the winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!
Hahaha! When I have kids I'll pull shit like that all the time, I'll be a terrible father :P
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ObiFettUse the ForceAs You WishRegistered Userregular
edited September 2009
I don't know why I am posting this, but here goes:
While in college, I was signed up to play in a co-ed intramural softball team. Lots of hot girls, lots of people that I hung out with regularly. Since one of my roomates was also on the team, I got a ride from him. We show up before the game and start warming up.
Five minutes before the game starts I realize I really have to use the bathroom. It was one of those all of a sudden, stomach curdling, I HAVE to get to the bathroom moments. "No big deal" I think, there is one of those park type bathroom buildings just a field away, I'll make it. And I did. Only to find out it was locked. Son. of. a. bitch.
Now since I thought I was going to be using the bathroom soon, I had kinda relaxed the "hold it in" muscles. Let me tell you that once you relax those muscles when you've got the "lava runs" coming, there is no stopping it afterwards. I shit my shorts. It was running down my leg. Plans/scenarios start racing through my head. Since I didn't drive and there was no way I was going to go near other human beings like this, I came up with my brilliant idea: jump the low brick wall into the nearby shopping center, sneak into the nearby generic hamburger fast-food place and clean up in their bathroom.
Jumping over the low brick wall was disgusting and just served to get it everywhere. I managed to sneak into the bathroom in the burger joint and thankfully no one came in while I was cleaning myself up. I threw away stuff that couldn't be cleaned and literally washed my clothes in the sink. Like used hand soap and the water to clean my socks and shorts. I feel horrible about how trashed that bathroom looked after I left. Shit was everywhere and I used a metric ton of paper towels. Cleaned up and sure I didn't smell, I headed back to the softball fields. Everyone was wondering where I went but no one knew anything the wiser. Played the rest of the game, commando-style, and went home.
Easily the most embarrasing thing I have ever had to deal with.
Easily the most embarrasing thing I have ever had to deal with.
Oh come on, you shitting your pants and no one knowing about it was the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?
You try walking around a field with shit running down your leg, sneaking into a fast food restaraunt and cleaning yourself up. At the time I was embrassed as hell.
Descendant XSkyrim is my god now.Outpost 31Registered Userregular
edited September 2009
Here's another one that I'm sure will follow me to my grave. This one is infamous. There are people who've never even met me who know this story, and my buddy's gf said "so you're the [story] guy?" the first time she met me.
Anyway, me and my wife were in the spring of our love and were messing around some. We had been laying on her bed for a bit and I was feeling a bit playful, so I reached over and squeezed her thigh and said "squeak squeak." I then stated the following:
"You've got thunderthighs!"
I have never seen someone's demeanour change so quickly. She gave me this look, and I said "what?" She asked me if I thought she was fat, which I adamantly denied. I then explained to her that my mom used to say that our dog had thunderthighs, and I thought it meant that she had powerful legs. She didn't believe me at first, and I insisted that it was true (which it was, I honestly had no idea what thunderthighs meant until that point.)
She finally believed me, and we since have married. Since then she has made it her life's work to make sure that everyone is aware of that story. It comes up every now and again, and everyone has a good laugh, and all I can really do is protest that I didn't know what it meant.
Descendant X on
Garry: I know you gentlemen have been through a lot, but when you find the time I'd rather not spend the rest of the winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!
Some days i wonder how my psyche stayed intact. Which leads me to another story which wasnt quite so embarrassing at the time because I was all hopped up on Morphine and Demerol.
Fall of '95. A month into my sophomore year of high school. 14 years old. Everything going as well as it can be until my Appendix ruptures one day in class. No problem. Sharp pain, feel ok after the initial rupture. Make it through the day after getting progressively more nauseous. Barely make it home in time to start puking my guts out.
2 days later i finally go to the highest quality military hospital in the land, which is an oxymoron because quality and military hospital should never be put in the same sentence together. My dad and I waltz into the ER and im slapped onto a gurney and rolled back for x rays.
But wait. Whats that. I need to roll over on my side and bend my knees up to my chest? OK doc, whatever you say. Why do you have rubber gloves on OH MY GOD!
So i pull my underwear back up and the copious amounts of lube this guy used was enough to vacate all the remaining poop left in me straight into my underwear. Which wasnt a whole lot when you thing about it since i had been puking almost non stop for 2 days and reached teh point of dry heaves. Somewhere along the line i caught a glimpse of a wet brown and white heap in a large ziplock bag. Turns out it was my underwear they removed from me after wheeling me straight into surgery.
Not too bad so far. Im just a 14 year old kid surround by hot nurses while involuntary shitting my pants. Nope. Not too bad at all.
Whats that? I need to try and pee on my own and the catheter needs to come out of my wing wong? Sure, no problem... *12 hours pass*
Well guy, since you still havent regained use of your bladder after getting in there, doing the hokey pokey and moving it all about to drain the ocean of puss and bile in your abdomen, we're gonna have to stick that catheter back in!
Golly gosh Doc, really!? Make sure you have at minimum 3 hot nurses and my dad all stand around my bed while a big black man shoves that big ol tube down my ding-a-ling. Dont worry about the huge boner thats gonna pop up. Thats just Willy trying to protect himself from the set of strange hands and foreign object trying to be shoved where its not suppose to go!
thank god i dont remember most of that 18 day hospital stay.
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SpectrumArcher of InfernoChaldea Rec RoomRegistered Userregular
edited September 2009
...while that seems utterly traumatizing and you have my condolences, dare I ask why it took 2 days to get to the hospital?
...while that seems utterly traumatizing and you have my condolences, dare I ask why it took 2 days to get to the hospital?
parents thought it was the flu. I didnt feel bad before it popped either. Just sitting in Biology class, going over a group project when i felt a stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. Made me crouch over for a couple seconds, then it was gone. After that class I started to feel worse and worse. I was barely able to keep from tossing my cookies by the end of school. Ruptured at 10:30 on a monday, got home at 3ish. Wednesday night went to the doctor because i couldnt keep anything down. not even water.
And let me tell ya, when they send you home with a patch over the wound that wasnt really stitched correctly (the site was left open and covered with a bandage for the majority of my stay and pulled closed, yes pulled, by what stitches where there and tied shut) so there were a few gaps of raw flesh where the skin didnt go back correctly. So they gave me long silver nitrate q-tips to cauterize the wound myself at home. That hurt.
things I learned on this trip... Im allergic to morphine, demerol sucks, i have a fairly high level of pain tolerance, i either metabolize painkillers waaaaaaay to fast or they almost kill me. The doctors were concerned because it took me far to long to come out of the anesthesia, even though i remember them lifting me up off the table after surgery... which is where i saw my poopy underwear laying next to me.
So, I have a fairly strange moment. it's actually not mine, but a friends.
So, my friend Steph went to college in Boston. As she was walking down the sidewalk to get to her class, she saw a hobo, who then, upon seeing her, asked for change. She dug through her purse, and took out a handful of pennies she happened to have.
After handing the pennies over to the homeless man begging for her change, he looks her square in the eye and said "I don't take pennies."
..and hands them back,
Apparently beggars can be choosers.
I had no money and offered a guy begging a smoke. He asked what type and then refused a marlboro.
He may well have been better dressed than me too. :?
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Beat me on Wii U: Raybies
Beat me on 360: Raybies666
Man, the bums in my town aren't only willing to take anything, but they're aggressive. Once I was waiting at a bus stop reading a book, and a guy crosses the street over to me and says "Give me a dollar." No question mark, just a demand.
I look at him sort of incredulously for a second and reply "Sorry, I don't carry cash, I just use my debit card." Which is true most days, including at that moment.
"Come on man, just give me a dollar."
"Dude, I'm not lying to you. No cash."
So he storms off calling me a "goddamn fucking cheapass cracker"
I was just kind of flustered over the whole thing. Like I pissed on his mother's grave by not going to the ATM, getting change, and giving him a dollar.
Man, the bums in my town aren't only willing to take anything, but they're aggressive. Once I was waiting at a bus stop reading a book, and a guy crosses the street over to me and says "Give me a dollar."
I look at him sort of incredulously for a second and reply "Sorry, I don't carry cash, I just use my debit card." Which is true most days, including at that moment.
"Come on man, just give me a dollar."
"Dude, I'm not lying to you. No cash."
So he storms off calling me a "goddamn fucking cheapass cracker"
I was just kind of flustered over the whole thing. Like I pissed on his mother's grave by not going to the ATM, getting change, and giving him a dollar.
The proper response is "sorry, I only have twenties."
Man, the bums in my town aren't only willing to take anything, but they're aggressive. Once I was waiting at a bus stop reading a book, and a guy crosses the street over to me and says "Give me a dollar."
I look at him sort of incredulously for a second and reply "Sorry, I don't carry cash, I just use my debit card." Which is true most days, including at that moment.
"Come on man, just give me a dollar."
"Dude, I'm not lying to you. No cash."
So he storms off calling me a "goddamn fucking cheapass cracker"
I was just kind of flustered over the whole thing. Like I pissed on his mother's grave by not going to the ATM, getting change, and giving him a dollar.
The proper response if you want to get assaulted and robbed by an aggressive panhandler is "sorry, I only have twenties."
Fixed that for ya.
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Garry: I know you gentlemen have been through a lot, but when you find the time I'd rather not spend the rest of the winter TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH!
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kaliyamaLeft to find less-moderated foraRegistered Userregular
Man, the bums in my town aren't only willing to take anything, but they're aggressive. Once I was waiting at a bus stop reading a book, and a guy crosses the street over to me and says "Give me a dollar." No question mark, just a demand.
I look at him sort of incredulously for a second and reply "Sorry, I don't carry cash, I just use my debit card." Which is true most days, including at that moment.
"Come on man, just give me a dollar."
"Dude, I'm not lying to you. No cash."
So he storms off calling me a "goddamn fucking cheapass cracker"
I was just kind of flustered over the whole thing. Like I pissed on his mother's grave by not going to the ATM, getting change, and giving him a dollar.
Don't feel like you did something wrong, though mentioning the debit card is tacky. Lots of people act like this. They're either angry, manipulative, drunk, or have mental health care issues. I do a little voly work with homelessness prevention, and have friends that do a lot more. I recommend to you that if you want to help people in the future, make donations to a local charity or shelter (preferably a non-religious one). It'll go a lot farther. Not every homeless person is going to spend it on drugs/alcohol, but addiction or mental health problems are the primary reason people are homeless. Even if they're going to spend it on food, they'll likely eat somewhere retail (eg a subway), which is much less bang for the buck than what a shelter is going to buy in bulk to feed many people.
Man, the bums in my town aren't only willing to take anything, but they're aggressive. Once I was waiting at a bus stop reading a book, and a guy crosses the street over to me and says "Give me a dollar." No question mark, just a demand.
I look at him sort of incredulously for a second and reply "Sorry, I don't carry cash, I just use my debit card." Which is true most days, including at that moment.
"Come on man, just give me a dollar."
"Dude, I'm not lying to you. No cash."
So he storms off calling me a "goddamn fucking cheapass cracker"
I was just kind of flustered over the whole thing. Like I pissed on his mother's grave by not going to the ATM, getting change, and giving him a dollar.
Lots of people like this. They're either angry, manipulative, drunk, or have mental health care issues. I do a little voly work with homelessness prevention, and have friends that do a lot more. I recommend to you that if you want to help people in the future, make donations to a local charity or shelter (preferably a non-religious one). It'll go a lot farther. Not every homeless person is going to spend it on drugs/alcohol, but addiction or mental health problems are the primary reason people are homeless. Even if they're going to spend it on food, they'll likely eat somewhere retail (eg a subway), which is much less bang for the buck than what a shelter is going to buy in bulk to feed many people.
I do want to help people, which is why I currently work for California Association of Nonprofits and have an interview next week for a 10 month service in the Americorps. :P
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admanbunionize your workplaceSeattle, WARegistered Userregular
I do want to help people, which is why I currently work for California Association of Nonprofits and have an interview next week for a 10 month service in the Americorps. :P
I just remembered: I have another alcohol-induced barf story!
One night I went out to a bar with friends. I don't go out to bars or clubs or anything. In fact, this was probably the first time I ever had gone anywhere. At any rate, we all drink a couple beers, nothing much really. I had maybe three Coors Lights. At one point, one friend brings up a beer I had never heard of. She and another friend started raving about how great this beer is, as if it were the god of all beers. I bite and raise my hand: "So, Uhhh...what is this beer?"
The girl looks surprised and then runs off. She comes back with two of them, one for me and one for the other guy.
The beer was Double Dead Guy Ale. For those not in the know, as was I, this is a 10-11 percent proof ale, which comes in a 750 ml bottle.
I drink it. Honestly, a little strong for my taste, but I down it because I don't want to offend the girl that bought it for me, or the guy who thinks it's the God of Beers. By the time we decide to leave, there's still some in the bottle. They berate me before passing the bottle around to chug the rest of it. I take a chug. Probably the reason I was drinking it so slowly is because of the strongness, and it looks like my intuition was right about taking it slow, because after drinking so much at once, my tummy started googling.
One of them asks me if I'm all right.
Immediately, I put my hand over my mouths and my cheeks blow up as vomit erupts from my throat. A little squirts from my palms, but otherwise I've contained the first wave.
The others are starting to go bug-eyed as they see a disaster and probably a kicking out of the bar in the works. However, before more comes up, I eye a glass one of them has been drinking out of. I swipe it and proceed to barf into the glass. I set it down, wipe my face down a bit and am otherwise perfectly alright.
The others congratulate me one the cleanest throw ups they've ever seen. Luckily, we were in a sort-of alcove where few people could see us, so the story is more of how I avoided an embarrassing situation.
Omeks on
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What did you do with the glass? You surely didn't just leave it there for some poor bar worker to collect
However, that reminds me of a fairly infamous story of mine, which is slightly less classy than yours.
Me and a couple of friends had just been to see some random movie at the cinema, and we were at a fairly nice (not massively posh) Italian restaurant. The set up to this story is that I was in the beginning stages of the cold - where you don't feel terrible, but you've got the runny nose, inklings of a sore throat etc. Now, we're reaching the end of our stay there and starting to think about asking for the bill - it is also important to note that we were in a table in the corner, but in fairly close proximity of other people. So we're discussing the movie and then one of my friends says something that floors me, and I have a burst of laughter.
Except that I'm taking a drink of my coke at the time.
And I have a runny nose.
So what this 'burst of laughter' becomes is more a snort that launches a fairly substantial ball of snot into my glass and thus my drink. *plonk*. My friends don't notice until they realise that I'm not moving and just staring into the glass (my mouth is still in contact with the glass), and then they twig what's happened. I hastily mop up the snot flotsam and jetsam that's on my upper lip with the handkerchief and then we start trying to think of how best deal with this situation. Things aren't helped by the fact that apparently snot is less dense than coke, and will thus FLOAT, like a melting green icecube. So I do my best to hide the glass while my friends flag down the waitress for the bill, and then I leave a very generous tip and we scatter out into the night.
This was about 2 years ago and I still get shit for it from my friends.
One of my friends threw up in his room at his house's housewarming party, and didn't clean it up until he moved ten months later; he just threw some blankets over it and pretended that it didn't exist.
Maybe more a story for the creepy and disturbing thread.
I've seen a fellow dutifully refill two 1L steins at fine german establishment once. The waiter looked a bit horrified, but said "That's disgusting, but suprisingly considerate."
What did you do with the glass? You surely didn't just leave it there for some poor bar worker to collect
Unfortunately, yes. The alternative was to take it up, hand it to him, and tell him "I barfed in this glass, here ya go!"
Though I guess on second thought I should have taken it to the bathroom and rinsed it, but I guess I wasn't thinking clearly at the time and my friends wanted to GTFO. I'm not exactly proud of it, though my friends seemed to be about making it in the glass...
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Way better than passing out and waking back up in your bead the next morning with a huge head ache, looking around the apartment piecing evidence together and realising that multiple people must have driven you home, managed to get you out of your puked down clothes, put a bucket beside your bed, and you having no idea who said angels were. But I dont think Im ready tell the long version yet.
When I was really young, around 5 or 6 years old, my family went to San Francisco to have a weekend in December to go shopping and generally hang around. I don't remember the exact details, but the hotel would only let my dad in (I really can't remember why this was the case) leaving me, my mom, and my younger brother outside. In San Franciso. In December.
My mom is leaned against the wall outside waiting for my dad to come back, I'm huddled in her arms, and my brother is sitting in front of me. This lady walks by and automatically assumes we're homeless, stops, pulls out a stuffed horse from her shopping, and gave it to us! I didn't understand what was going on, and I don't remember saying anything, but my mom hurriedly tried to explain "Oh no we're not homeless- no really, I mean-" but the lady just kept cutting her off, saying it was okay, and left us with this stuffed animal. We still have it somewhere. To be fair, it was awesome for me, but my mom was utterly mortified.
In a weirdly similar set of circumstances, my best friend was mistaken for homeless too, except this time she was just walking down the street when a guy pulled over and handed her his Cheesecake Factory leftovers...
When I was really young, around 5 or 6 years old, my family went to San Francisco to have a weekend in December to go shopping and generally hang around. I don't remember the exact details, but the hotel would only let my dad in (I really can't remember why this was the case) leaving me, my mom, and my younger brother outside. In San Franciso. In December.
My mom is leaned against the wall outside waiting for my dad to come back, I'm huddled in her arms, and my brother is sitting in front of me. This lady walks by and automatically assumes we're homeless, stops, pulls out a stuffed horse from her shopping, and gave it to us! I didn't understand what was going on, and I don't remember saying anything, but my mom hurriedly tried to explain "Oh no we're not homeless- no really, I mean-" but the lady just kept cutting her off, saying it was okay, and left us with this stuffed animal. We still have it somewhere. To be fair, it was awesome for me, but my mom was utterly mortified.
In a weirdly similar set of circumstances, my best friend was mistaken for homeless too, except this time she was just walking down the street when a guy pulled over and handed her his Cheesecake Factory leftovers...
I was just in San Fran recently. Jesus there are a lot of homeless dudes just chilling outside the BART/Muni stations, going up to people. They are ballsy.
We also went to Oakland, where the people are fucking nuts. And I live in New York City. They're a different sort of nuts there than here.
On the topic of stories involving alcohol and vomit, I've got a fairly amusing one I don't think I've shared here before. It takes place last summer, when my roommate, who we shall call Mal, crossed the boundary into the age of 21, a day he shall remember (or not) for booze, food, vomit, and Lord of the Rings
the background
Now, Mal was not exactly any stranger to alcohol. One of my earliest memories is of him admitting that he used to make raisin-jack in his dorm room because he would be so desperate for alcohol (apparently, he needed it to fall asleep due to his rowdy neighbors). He kind of cut it all down once he ended up moving into the apartment, as the only one old enough in the house to actually go out and buy some didn't exactly like to share and Mal didn't exactly like having to pay for the shit. It's probably for the best that he didn't really drink all that often, as he's got the constitution of a chihuahua. All he has to do is think about alcohol, and he gets a bit tipsy. It's this fact alone that makes it kind of a surprise that the following events actually lasting as long as they did.
The Setup
So, Mal turned 21. He really wasn't wanting to start a bar crawl that late at night, so he decided to get some pizza for now and demanded that we raid the grocery store for wine. When we get there, he is not exactly sure as to what to get, outside of knowing that Riesling is supposed to be the shit. So he grabs a bottle of that and three other kinds of wine (Pinot Noir, Pinot Gregio, and Merlot). I also get a call from his sister demanding that he at least go out and do something fun on his birthday since she couldn't be there. I promise to make sure he actually leaves the apartment for some fun later on.
We get back to the apartment, when he throws in Fellowship of the Rings (he had been on a LotR kick all week long; remember this fact for later) and we start going through the wine. He takes a little of the merlot and decides it's the most foulest beverage he's ever had and hands me what is pretty much a full bottle. I think it's a waste to throw out a perfectly good drink and resolve to finish the...holy shit merlot is terrible. I keep trying to down it and...god all mighty this is what it's like to drink leather. Eventually I manage to finish what I eventually become convinced is tepid water left to sit with a leather jacket over the course of a weekend. Around this time, I notice that Mal has gone through the other three bottles of wine himself. He's pretty wasted at this point, but we continue to watch a little LotR ("NOOOOO Magneto, don't do it. He's The Man With The Golden Gun. He'll kill you with a single shot!") before he stumbles off to bed and I pass out on the couch.
The Quest Begins
The next morning, he runs into the living room, still very much drunk from the previous night, needing a ride to class (he's taking summer courses). I drive back to the apartment and pass back out, only to be woken up by him a few hours later, around noonish.
"Dude meet me at <pizza/bar joint>!"
"....o....okay?"
I meet him there, and he's already got pizza ready and a beer.
Beer #1
"Okay, here's the start of the day."
"What day?"
"I'm going to attempt to drink the city?"
"What?"
"I'm going to drink at every bar in town. EVER ONE. And I'm going to get a Guinness at every one."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am. Dude, you made a promise to my sister."
"Damn, I did. Okay, but if you start to get too drunk. We're done. We're going back home."
"Fine, fine, fine.
Beer #2
We finish up at the pizza joint and walk down the main street to the second bar. He orders another Guinness. Mal loves Guinness, but it does not love him. He's already kind of tipsy. He's kind of rude to the bartender, but the guy serves him anyway.
"God, this place is FILTHY. I don't see how they stay in business."
"You know, this is not something you talk about with the bartender in ear shot."
"FUCK HIM. I'm probably not coming back here anyway" (bullshit, we were back in there weeks later)
"You're already going down hill."
"DON'T YOU RUIN MY BIRTHDAY FOR ME."
"Fine, fine."
Beer #3
We walk to the next bar, there's a wait. He's a little annoyed, but he gets his beer soon enough. He spends fifteen minutes nursing it before he can get it down. It's kind of obvious that he's getting drunk. However, he's not wanting to give up yet.
"Okay, you're getting kind of drunk."
"NO I'M NOT. DD YOU WILL NOT RUIN THIS BIRTHDAY FOR ME. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A LIAR TO MY SISTER!"
"Fine, three more bars, but then you're cut off (there's at least 10 in town)
"We'll see."
At this point, we've exhausted the bars on this part of town. Next up, Frat Row!
Our Journey Continues into the Mines of Frat Bars
We drive to the strip of bars that the greeks typically go to. It's also worth noting that I'm just getting water at every place we go to, since I know that it really wouldn't do me any good to be drinking along with Mal.
Beer #4
There's not too much trouble here at first. He gets his beer and manages to drink it in a timely fashion, unlike #3. However, he then realizes that it's summer and that means that this bar (and the other two in this particular strip) has not been enjoying their usual customers lately.
"MAAAAAN. Business must SUUUUCK for you guys right now. I mean, none of your frat guys are here to get shit from you guys, and that leaves nobody for you!"
"Dude, that's not something you bring up..."
Owner:"Yeah, we've been hurting pretty badly lately..."
"MAN, it must really suck right now not having anybody come in except for people like US."
Owner: "Well, it's not actually been too bad at nights since that other bar burnt down."
"Woah, then I guess you're not lookin' forward to when they open back up HAHAHA"
Beer #5
They don't have Guinness. Mal pitches a fit but accepts the closest alternative they have (New Castle, I think).
At this point, I get a call from Ms. Dragoon, who's been away teaching at a summer camp.
MD "Hey, DD, my grandfather's in the hospital, I don't know what to..."
Mal runs up and grabs the phone away
Mal "HEY SISTER! YOUR BROTHER IS ENJOYING A GREAT BIRTHDAY BECAUSE OF THE PROMISE YOU MADE DRAGOON MAKE YOUR SUCH A GREAT SISTER HEY SISTER SISTER SISTER SISTER"
MD: "I...I...I'm not SISTER"
Me: "Dude, not now. There's a situation."
Thankfully, Ms. Dragoon is also friends with Mal and knows how he acts when drunk, so she found it funny, despite the situation with her grandfather.
Mal then decided to call his sister. When he got her voicemail, all he could say was "So I heard you like Mudkips"
Beer #6
This one was kind of uneventful. There's the same banter as with beer #4, though the owner can't get away this time, as he's in a cast.
"Hey, what's with the cast?"
"I was in a motorcycle wreck."
"DUDE THAT MUST SUCK"
"Yeah, I can't drive a bike for a good while."
"Goddamn, that really sucks."
"Yeah, it does."
"Man, that sucks."
"Yup."
"Sucks."
The Quest is Redefined in the Council of Jeeprond
At this point, we're back in my jeep, driving towards the next bar.
"Hey, Dragoon, you're a good friend. Dragoon. You're the best friend I could ever have Dragoon."
<car in the next lane honks at me>
"HEY FUCK YOU FUCKER"
<he rolls the window down and leans his upper torso and an arm out, flipping the guy off in the process>
"FUCK YOU YOU DO NOT HONK AT THE CAR OF MR DARK DRAGOON THE BEST FRIEND EVER FUCK YOU I AUGHT TO KILL YOU YOU SORRY SACK OF SHIT HEY DRAGOON UNLOCK THIS DOOR SO I CAN BEAT THAT FUCKER UP WHY ARE YOU PULLING ME BACK IN AND ROLLING THE WINDOW UP AND LOCKING THE WINDOW
...you're the best friend ever Dragoon.
(remember when I said to remember that Mal had been on a Lord of the Rings kick lately. Here's where it begins to pay off)
"Okay, I think you're done for the day. You're obviously not going to make it much longer.
"No no no, I'm fine. I can go the distance. Besides, we're on a quest."
"Yes, I know. You want to drink at every bar in town."
"What? No. That's not the quest. Our quest is to deliver the ONE RING of Sobriety to be destroyed in the Alcohols of Mount Drunk."
"What"
"Really"
"What"
"It's the only way we can defeat the Evil Bartendroun"
"We're hobbits now?
"Fuzzy little toes "
(He's probably joking at this point, but he does and says crazy stuff when drunk. I even caught him speak Gaelic once!)
We enter the lands of Bardor
Beer #7
Uneventful. Completely uneventful. This is made even worse due to him sitting and nursing a single beer for almost 40 minutes. It's also painful that the girl bartender is trying to hit on him, but then gives up when he can only sit there, sipping his beer, muttering about the one ring.
Beer #8
Also uneventful, at least at first. While drinking, he struggles with his decision to order cheese-sticks or not.
"Dragoon, should I get cheese sticks?"
"Are you hungry?"
"No"
"Then don't get cheese sticks"
"Oh, okay..."
"..."
"Hey, Dragoon, should I get cheese sticks?"
"...are you hungry?"
"No"
"...you should totally get some cheese-sticks."
"But I don't want to spend any more money "
"...I'm going to the bathroom now."
"Okay bestest buddy in the whole world "
I'm in the shitter when I get a phonecall from him
"DRAGOON WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME? DID YOU ABANDON ME HERE? I DON'T SEE YOUR CAR OUTSIDE OH THERE IT IS! WHERE ARE YOU WHY DO ALL MY FRIENDS ABANDON ME"
I finish and walk out.
"OH YOU CAME BACK I KNEW YOU WERE A GREAT FRIEND WHERE DID YOU GO"
"I was in the bathroom, like I said I would be."
"OH YEAH I THOUGHT YOU HAD LEFT ME BEHIND BUT YOU WERE JUST TAKING A BIG OL' SHIT!"
Beer #9
This is also uneventful at first. He gets his beer, nurses it for a while, and bitches about the price. In front of the bartender.
Our friend (let's call him Sythas) shows up, having just got off of work and joins in on the celebration. I fill him in on the Quest to Destroy the One Ring of Sobriety. He laughs. Our attention turns back to Mal, who's swiped several of the bar/restaurant's match-books and is trying to light his napkin on fire.
We arrive at Mt. Drunk. Bartendroun is a very understanding hispanic man
Sythas decides that the final portion of the quest should be a great undertaking. He points out that the last open bar in town is also a mexican restaurant (he's hungry, so it works out both ways), which happens to serve Quarts of what is essentially the mexican version of Guinness for cheap. Mal really can't think for himself at this point and just nods his head to the suggestion.
Beer 10/11 (it might as well be two)
Sythas orders he and Mal the quart glasses of beer. Mal points out that he fucking hates mexican beer, but will drink it if Sythas finishes his (he's convinced that nobody can keep shitty mexican beer down). Food is also ordered. At some point, Sythas mentions how much he loves Habenero sauce, but nobody is willing to take some along with him. I'm game and try the stuff out on its own.
During this, Mal is taking forever to finish his beer, despite Sythas finishing his and me encouraging him.
"Dude, you're almost up Mt. Drunk. Sam and Gollum are there. Gollum is trying to grab the ring. YOU NEED TO DESTROY IT NOW. FINISH THE QUEST."
"...I need to go to the bathroom"
He stumbles off to the bathroom. I'm kind of annoyed that he's not finishing this stupid thing up so I we don't really have to suffer him getting any worse than he already was, and I was also feeling a bit devious. Thus, with Sythas laughing about it while it happened, I took the thing of Habenero sauce that we had, took Mal's food, and doused it with the sauce. Finally, I close the food up to hide the deed. Mal returns and proceeds to SCARF DOWN HIS FOOD WITHOUT ANY REACTION.
Sythas and Me:
Mal:o_O
Sythas: Are....are you feeling okay?
Mal: Food was great, why not?
Sythas and Me:
He can't take his alcohol, but he can certainly take his hot sauces, apparently.
At any rate, the beer is still there, unfinished. Sythas and I are both ready to go, the tab's been paid, and I'm sure that the nice bartender is ready for us to go, too, as Mal's been kind of loud. He's also prone to saying racist things jokingly when he's sober, so he's going all out while he's drunk. Sythas and I begin to loudly encourage him to finish his beer. After enough prodding, he picks up the massive mug and chugs what was left of his drink. He slams it down, and does not say *anything* for a moment, with his head hung down. After a brief pause, he then stands up and staggers over to the door, without saying a single word still.
As he puts his hand on the door, he makes the most strangest sound I've ever heard. One of those sounds so out there that you can't even remember how it sounded, other than it's probably what Cthulhu sounds like when he's praying to the porcelain god. He then opened his mouth, and out flew this projectile torrent of orange vomit, which completely covered the middle and lower portion of the door. He then pushed the door open, lowered his head, and then projectiled all over the side-walk. Finally, he stumbled out into the parking lot and covered it with his vomit.
The poor restaurant owner looked out, shook his head, and went back in to grab a bucket of water. Sythas then helped clean up the mess.
Why wasn't I helping with the cleanup process? Because I had to make sure Mal didn't get into any more trouble. When he was finally done vomitting, he decided that his belt was too restrictive, tore it off, and threw it at Sythas's car. The belt was all that was keeping his shorts up, so they fell down around his ankles. He then decided that the highway looked pretty and started waddling towards it. I pretty much had to spend the next ten minutes grabbing him away from the side of the road and keeping his pants from falling down again.
The quest was done, however, and Mal had finally destroyed his sobriety completely. Gollum is now drowning at the bottom of Mt. Drunk trying to hold on to the One Ring. Meanwhile, Mal is curled up in a ball in his seat, only managing to moan as we drive back home. On the way, his phone beeps, signifying that he has a missed call. He checks his voice box with the speaker on. Apparently, his sister had tried to call him back, but, in her message, could only get out
"MAL? WHAT THE HELL IS A MUDKIPS"
tl;dr: Horribly lightweight friend, over the course of 18 hours, drinks 3 bottles of wine, 11 dark and heavy beers, eats 3 full pizzas and a full mexican dinner secretly laced with habenero sauce. Projectile vomits orange vomit all over the bar door, sidewalk, and parking lot, then attempts to streak out into the highway. Also, Mudkips and Lord of the Rings.
On the topic of stories involving alcohol and vomit, I've got a fairly amusing one I don't think I've shared here before. It takes place last summer, when my roommate, who we shall call Mal, crossed the boundary into the age of 21, a day he shall remember (or not) for booze, food, vomit, and Lord of the Rings
the background
Now, Mal was not exactly any stranger to alcohol. One of my earliest memories is of him admitting that he used to make raisin-jack in his dorm room because he would be so desperate for alcohol (apparently, he needed it to fall asleep due to his rowdy neighbors). He kind of cut it all down once he ended up moving into the apartment, as the only one old enough in the house to actually go out and buy some didn't exactly like to share and Mal didn't exactly like having to pay for the shit. It's probably for the best that he didn't really drink all that often, as he's got the constitution of a chihuahua. All he has to do is think about alcohol, and he gets a bit tipsy. It's this fact alone that makes it kind of a surprise that the following events actually lasting as long as they did.
The Setup
So, Mal turned 21. He really wasn't wanting to start a bar crawl that late at night, so he decided to get some pizza for now and demanded that we raid the grocery store for wine. When we get there, he is not exactly sure as to what to get, outside of knowing that Riesling is supposed to be the shit. So he grabs a bottle of that and three other kinds of wine (Pinot Noir, Pinot Gregio, and Merlot). I also get a call from his sister demanding that he at least go out and do something fun on his birthday since she couldn't be there. I promise to make sure he actually leaves the apartment for some fun later on.
We get back to the apartment, when he throws in Fellowship of the Rings (he had been on a LotR kick all week long; remember this fact for later) and we start going through the wine. He takes a little of the merlot and decides it's the most foulest beverage he's ever had and hands me what is pretty much a full bottle. I think it's a waste to throw out a perfectly good drink and resolve to finish the...holy shit merlot is terrible. I keep trying to down it and...god all mighty this is what it's like to drink leather. Eventually I manage to finish what I eventually become convinced is tepid water left to sit with a leather jacket over the course of a weekend. Around this time, I notice that Mal has gone through the other three bottles of wine himself. He's pretty wasted at this point, but we continue to watch a little LotR ("NOOOOO Magneto, don't do it. He's The Man With The Golden Gun. He'll kill you with a single shot!") before he stumbles off to bed and I pass out on the couch.
The Quest Begins
The next morning, he runs into the living room, still very much drunk from the previous night, needing a ride to class (he's taking summer courses). I drive back to the apartment and pass back out, only to be woken up by him a few hours later, around noonish.
"Dude meet me at <pizza/bar joint>!"
"....o....okay?"
I meet him there, and he's already got pizza ready and a beer.
Beer #1
"Okay, here's the start of the day."
"What day?"
"I'm going to attempt to drink the city?"
"What?"
"I'm going to drink at every bar in town. EVER ONE. And I'm going to get a Guinness at every one."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am. Dude, you made a promise to my sister."
"Damn, I did. Okay, but if you start to get too drunk. We're done. We're going back home."
"Fine, fine, fine.
Beer #2
We finish up at the pizza joint and walk down the main street to the second bar. He orders another Guinness. Mal loves Guinness, but it does not love him. He's already kind of tipsy. He's kind of rude to the bartender, but the guy serves him anyway.
"God, this place is FILTHY. I don't see how they stay in business."
"You know, this is not something you talk about with the bartender in ear shot."
"FUCK HIM. I'm probably not coming back here anyway" (bullshit, we were back in there weeks later)
"You're already going down hill."
"DON'T YOU RUIN MY BIRTHDAY FOR ME."
"Fine, fine."
Beer #3
We walk to the next bar, there's a wait. He's a little annoyed, but he gets his beer soon enough. He spends fifteen minutes nursing it before he can get it down. It's kind of obvious that he's getting drunk. However, he's not wanting to give up yet.
"Okay, you're getting kind of drunk."
"NO I'M NOT. DD YOU WILL NOT RUIN THIS BIRTHDAY FOR ME. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A LIAR TO MY SISTER!"
"Fine, three more bars, but then you're cut off (there's at least 10 in town)
"We'll see."
At this point, we've exhausted the bars on this part of town. Next up, Frat Row!
Our Journey Continues into the Mines of Frat Bars
We drive to the strip of bars that the greeks typically go to. It's also worth noting that I'm just getting water at every place we go to, since I know that it really wouldn't do me any good to be drinking along with Mal.
Beer #4
There's not too much trouble here at first. He gets his beer and manages to drink it in a timely fashion, unlike #3. However, he then realizes that it's summer and that means that this bar (and the other two in this particular strip) has not been enjoying their usual customers lately.
"MAAAAAN. Business must SUUUUCK for you guys right now. I mean, none of your frat guys are here to get shit from you guys, and that leaves nobody for you!"
"Dude, that's not something you bring up..."
Owner:"Yeah, we've been hurting pretty badly lately..."
"MAN, it must really suck right now not having anybody come in except for people like US."
Owner: "Well, it's not actually been too bad at nights since that other bar burnt down."
"Woah, then I guess you're not lookin' forward to when they open back up HAHAHA"
Beer #5
They don't have Guinness. Mal pitches a fit but accepts the closest alternative they have (New Castle, I think).
At this point, I get a call from Ms. Dragoon, who's been away teaching at a summer camp.
MD "Hey, DD, my grandfather's in the hospital, I don't know what to..."
Mal runs up and grabs the phone away
Mal "HEY SISTER! YOUR BROTHER IS ENJOYING A GREAT BIRTHDAY BECAUSE OF THE PROMISE YOU MADE DRAGOON MAKE YOUR SUCH A GREAT SISTER HEY SISTER SISTER SISTER SISTER"
MD: "I...I...I'm not SISTER"
Me: "Dude, not now. There's a situation."
Thankfully, Ms. Dragoon is also friends with Mal and knows how he acts when drunk, so she found it funny, despite the situation with her grandfather.
Mal then decided to call his sister. When he got her voicemail, all he could say was "So I heard you like Mudkips"
Beer #6
This one was kind of uneventful. There's the same banter as with beer #4, though the owner can't get away this time, as he's in a cast.
"Hey, what's with the cast?"
"I was in a motorcycle wreck."
"DUDE THAT MUST SUCK"
"Yeah, I can't drive a bike for a good while."
"Goddamn, that really sucks."
"Yeah, it does."
"Man, that sucks."
"Yup."
"Sucks."
The Quest is Redefined in the Council of Jeeprond
At this point, we're back in my jeep, driving towards the next bar.
"Hey, Dragoon, you're a good friend. Dragoon. You're the best friend I could ever have Dragoon."
<car in the next lane honks at me>
"HEY FUCK YOU FUCKER"
<he rolls the window down and leans his upper torso and an arm out, flipping the guy off in the process>
"FUCK YOU YOU DO NOT HONK AT THE CAR OF MR DARK DRAGOON THE BEST FRIEND EVER FUCK YOU I AUGHT TO KILL YOU YOU SORRY SACK OF SHIT HEY DRAGOON UNLOCK THIS DOOR SO I CAN BEAT THAT FUCKER UP WHY ARE YOU PULLING ME BACK IN AND ROLLING THE WINDOW UP AND LOCKING THE WINDOW
...you're the best friend ever Dragoon.
(remember when I said to remember that Mal had been on a Lord of the Rings kick lately. Here's where it begins to pay off)
"Okay, I think you're done for the day. You're obviously not going to make it much longer.
"No no no, I'm fine. I can go the distance. Besides, we're on a quest."
"Yes, I know. You want to drink at every bar in town."
"What? No. That's not the quest. Our quest is to deliver the ONE RING of Sobriety to be destroyed in the Alcohols of Mount Drunk."
"What"
"Really"
"What"
"It's the only way we can defeat the Evil Bartendroun"
"We're hobbits now?
"Fuzzy little toes "
(He's probably joking at this point, but he does and says crazy stuff when drunk. I even caught him speak Gaelic once!)
We enter the lands of Bardor
Beer #7
Uneventful. Completely uneventful. This is made even worse due to him sitting and nursing a single beer for almost 40 minutes. It's also painful that the girl bartender is trying to hit on him, but then gives up when he can only sit there, sipping his beer, muttering about the one ring.
Beer #8
Also uneventful, at least at first. While drinking, he struggles with his decision to order cheese-sticks or not.
"Dragoon, should I get cheese sticks?"
"Are you hungry?"
"No"
"Then don't get cheese sticks"
"Oh, okay..."
"..."
"Hey, Dragoon, should I get cheese sticks?"
"...are you hungry?"
"No"
"...you should totally get some cheese-sticks."
"But I don't want to spend any more money "
"...I'm going to the bathroom now."
"Okay bestest buddy in the whole world "
I'm in the shitter when I get a phonecall from him
"DRAGOON WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME? DID YOU ABANDON ME HERE? I DON'T SEE YOUR CAR OUTSIDE OH THERE IT IS! WHERE ARE YOU WHY DO ALL MY FRIENDS ABANDON ME"
I finish and walk out.
"OH YOU CAME BACK I KNEW YOU WERE A GREAT FRIEND WHERE DID YOU GO"
"I was in the bathroom, like I said I would be."
"OH YEAH I THOUGHT YOU HAD LEFT ME BEHIND BUT YOU WERE JUST TAKING A BIG OL' SHIT!"
Beer #9
This is also uneventful at first. He gets his beer, nurses it for a while, and bitches about the price. In front of the bartender.
Our friend (let's call him Sythas) shows up, having just got off of work and joins in on the celebration. I fill him in on the Quest to Destroy the One Ring of Sobriety. He laughs. Our attention turns back to Mal, who's swiped several of the bar/restaurant's match-books and is trying to light his napkin on fire.
We arrive at Mt. Drunk. Bartendroun is a very understanding hispanic man
Sythas decides that the final portion of the quest should be a great undertaking. He points out that the last open bar in town is also a mexican restaurant (he's hungry, so it works out both ways), which happens to serve Quarts of what is essentially the mexican version of Guinness for cheap. Mal really can't think for himself at this point and just nods his head to the suggestion.
Beer 10/11 (it might as well be two)
Sythas orders he and Mal the quart glasses of beer. Mal points out that he fucking hates mexican beer, but will drink it if Sythas finishes his (he's convinced that nobody can keep shitty mexican beer down). Food is also ordered. At some point, Sythas mentions how much he loves Habenero sauce, but nobody is willing to take some along with him. I'm game and try the stuff out on its own.
During this, Mal is taking forever to finish his beer, despite Sythas finishing his and me encouraging him.
"Dude, you're almost up Mt. Drunk. Sam and Gollum are there. Gollum is trying to grab the ring. YOU NEED TO DESTROY IT NOW. FINISH THE QUEST."
"...I need to go to the bathroom"
He stumbles off to the bathroom. I'm kind of annoyed that he's not finishing this stupid thing up so I we don't really have to suffer him getting any worse than he already was, and I was also feeling a bit devious. Thus, with Sythas laughing about it while it happened, I took the thing of Habenero sauce that we had, took Mal's food, and doused it with the sauce. Finally, I close the food up to hide the deed. Mal returns and proceeds to SCARF DOWN HIS FOOD WITHOUT ANY REACTION.
Sythas and Me:
Mal:o_O
Sythas: Are....are you feeling okay?
Mal: Food was great, why not?
Sythas and Me:
He can't take his alcohol, but he can certainly take his hot sauces, apparently.
At any rate, the beer is still there, unfinished. Sythas and I are both ready to go, the tab's been paid, and I'm sure that the nice bartender is ready for us to go, too, as Mal's been kind of loud. He's also prone to saying racist things jokingly when he's sober, so he's going all out while he's drunk. Sythas and I begin to loudly encourage him to finish his beer. After enough prodding, he picks up the massive mug and chugs what was left of his drink. He slams it down, and does not say *anything* for a moment, with his head hung down. After a brief pause, he then stands up and staggers over to the door, without saying a single word still.
As he puts his hand on the door, he makes the most strangest sound I've ever heard. One of those sounds so out there that you can't even remember how it sounded, other than it's probably what Cthulhu sounds like when he's praying to the porcelain god. He then opened his mouth, and out flew this projectile torrent of orange vomit, which completely covered the middle and lower portion of the door. He then pushed the door open, lowered his head, and then projectiled all over the side-walk. Finally, he stumbled out into the parking lot and covered it with his vomit.
The poor restaurant owner looked out, shook his head, and went back in to grab a bucket of water. Sythas then helped clean up the mess.
Why wasn't I helping with the cleanup process? Because I had to make sure Mal didn't get into any more trouble. When he was finally done vomitting, he decided that his belt was too restrictive, tore it off, and threw it at Sythas's car. The belt was all that was keeping his shorts up, so they fell down around his ankles. He then decided that the highway looked pretty and started waddling towards it. I pretty much had to spend the next ten minutes grabbing him away from the side of the road and keeping his pants from falling down again.
The quest was done, however, and Mal had finally destroyed his sobriety completely. Gollum is now drowning at the bottom of Mt. Drunk trying to hold on to the One Ring. Meanwhile, Mal is curled up in a ball in his seat, only managing to moan as we drive back home. On the way, his phone beeps, signifying that he has a missed call. He checks his voice box with the speaker on. Apparently, his sister had tried to call him back, but, in her message, could only get out
"MAL? WHAT THE HELL IS A MUDKIPS"
tl;dr: Horribly lightweight friend, over the course of 18 hours, drinks 3 bottles of wine, 11 dark and heavy beers, eats 3 full pizzas and a full mexican dinner secretly laced with habenero sauce. Projectile vomits orange vomit all over the bar door, sidewalk, and parking lot, then attempts to streak out into the highway. Also, Mudkips and Lord of the Rings.
You've told us about the restaurant and orange vomit, but the rest is new.
haha, vomit stories.
once i was home sick all by myself with the flu. my cat was keeping me company as i read some book at some ungodly hour in the morning. suddenly, my cat made these awful noises, which i thought were usual hairball noises. but then, she vomits all over my sheets and comforter. needless to say the last thing my sick ass wanted to do was clean up nice chunky cat puke, but the smell was horrid (this cat tended to eat smaller animals).
i set to work with spray cleaner and a rag after tossing the blankets in the hamper, trying to remove the odor from my bed. as i worked i got pretty sweaty and felt worse and worse. the smell also was not getting better. the cat merely looked on is passive interest, unaware that all my anger and anguish at this point was caused by her.
i suddenly felt a million times worse, and i knew i was next on the puke train. the feeling overwhelmed me and i only barely managed to hit the trash can near my desk. well, about half of my evacuated soup was on the nice hardwood floors my parents put in.
so i leave, heart heavy and head down, to get more rags and a fan to waft my ever lovely smelling room a bit. as i return i hear my cat making sicky noises again, this time on my desk! i was having nothing of it, so jogged towards the desk. here is where the 'shit' would come in contact with the 'fan'
i, holding a towel and a small fan, run on some unseen vomit on the floor. this next part happened in slow mo for me:
i, in socks on hardwood, slid effortlessly (i.e., uncontrollably fast) into the desk chair. this knocks the wind out of me, and i managed to throw the fan against the wall, breaking it and the drywall. it leaves a nice concave dent, about a foot wide above my desk. it was only inches away from my window.
tl;dr
cat puke makes me puke which then causes me to almost burst my intestines and nearly break a window
I think I would be apprehensive about using dinnerware with swastikas on it when dining [strike]with guests[/strike].
The thought process behind 'yeah, it's got a swastika on it, but it's not like we actually killed any jews ourselves. Also, it's silver!' is quite close to the very definition of strange and embarrassing.
I laughed much harder at this comment than the actual story.
On the topic of stories involving alcohol and vomit, I've got a fairly amusing one I don't think I've shared here before. It takes place last summer, when my roommate, who we shall call Mal, crossed the boundary into the age of 21, a day he shall remember (or not) for booze, food, vomit, and Lord of the Rings
This is the best alcohol story
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The Black HunterThe key is a minimum of compromise, and a simple,unimpeachable reason to existRegistered Userregular
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This one happened back when I was about 14 or 15. I went to a church youth group at the time who used to play Mission Impossible on a fairly regular basis. To the uninitiated, this involves a bunch of teenagers running around in the dark trying not to be spotted by a guy in a tower with a searchlight. These games used to go until fairly late, and they were always a blast.
On this particular evening we were on our way back to the church with one of the group leaders. In the minivan was myself, two friends of mine, the group leader's daughter and her friend (both hot) and the group leader (who was female.) For whatever reason we were talking about olympic sports, and I modified the subject to olympic sports in which women would never participate.
The topic of sumo wrestling came up, and I went with it. I began to wonder in detail how amusing it would be if a woman sumo wrestler would fare against a male sumo wrestler. And then I imagined the battle cry of the female sumo wrester in a loud, rumbling voice:
"IT'S MY TIME OF THE MONTH! YOU LOSE!"
The van went completely quiet. One of my friends nudged me and called me an idiot. Not one word was spoken for the 20 minutes left in the trip back to the church.
baahahahaha! what a bunch of prudes. Then again, im a front runner of foon-in-mouth disease and say the most inappropriate things that i personally find hillarious, even if its wrong.
The other day the wife and I were picking up our boys from daycare (2 and 4). My 4 year old has a friend, thats a little girl, there that hes known since he was a baby. My wife went to school with the little girls mother (whos a bit of a whore and a bitch to boot. Her older brother was in my class and an asshole. whole familys screwed up).
we're getting the boys all strapped into the car and tell the boys "there goes El, say bye!" and my 2 year old babbles out "i like El" and I ask him if everyone loves El. He nods. An me being the retarded jackass i am say, "everyone loves El, she'll be the everyones doorknob someday."
luckily my wife forgave me and the boys havent repeated or even knew what i was talking about. They ended up being parked right next to us and fortunately didnt hear what i said.
holy hell im retarded
Ignore the video, it's the best version of the song I could find.
While in college, I was signed up to play in a co-ed intramural softball team. Lots of hot girls, lots of people that I hung out with regularly. Since one of my roomates was also on the team, I got a ride from him. We show up before the game and start warming up.
Five minutes before the game starts I realize I really have to use the bathroom. It was one of those all of a sudden, stomach curdling, I HAVE to get to the bathroom moments. "No big deal" I think, there is one of those park type bathroom buildings just a field away, I'll make it. And I did. Only to find out it was locked. Son. of. a. bitch.
Now since I thought I was going to be using the bathroom soon, I had kinda relaxed the "hold it in" muscles. Let me tell you that once you relax those muscles when you've got the "lava runs" coming, there is no stopping it afterwards. I shit my shorts. It was running down my leg. Plans/scenarios start racing through my head. Since I didn't drive and there was no way I was going to go near other human beings like this, I came up with my brilliant idea: jump the low brick wall into the nearby shopping center, sneak into the nearby generic hamburger fast-food place and clean up in their bathroom.
Jumping over the low brick wall was disgusting and just served to get it everywhere. I managed to sneak into the bathroom in the burger joint and thankfully no one came in while I was cleaning myself up. I threw away stuff that couldn't be cleaned and literally washed my clothes in the sink. Like used hand soap and the water to clean my socks and shorts. I feel horrible about how trashed that bathroom looked after I left. Shit was everywhere and I used a metric ton of paper towels. Cleaned up and sure I didn't smell, I headed back to the softball fields. Everyone was wondering where I went but no one knew anything the wiser. Played the rest of the game, commando-style, and went home.
Easily the most embarrasing thing I have ever had to deal with.
Oh come on, you shitting your pants and no one knowing about it was the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you?
You try walking around a field with shit running down your leg, sneaking into a fast food restaraunt and cleaning yourself up. At the time I was embrassed as hell.
Anyway, me and my wife were in the spring of our love and were messing around some. We had been laying on her bed for a bit and I was feeling a bit playful, so I reached over and squeezed her thigh and said "squeak squeak." I then stated the following:
"You've got thunderthighs!"
I have never seen someone's demeanour change so quickly. She gave me this look, and I said "what?" She asked me if I thought she was fat, which I adamantly denied. I then explained to her that my mom used to say that our dog had thunderthighs, and I thought it meant that she had powerful legs. She didn't believe me at first, and I insisted that it was true (which it was, I honestly had no idea what thunderthighs meant until that point.)
She finally believed me, and we since have married. Since then she has made it her life's work to make sure that everyone is aware of that story. It comes up every now and again, and everyone has a good laugh, and all I can really do is protest that I didn't know what it meant.
Sounds like every time I go to Vegas.
Fall of '95. A month into my sophomore year of high school. 14 years old. Everything going as well as it can be until my Appendix ruptures one day in class. No problem. Sharp pain, feel ok after the initial rupture. Make it through the day after getting progressively more nauseous. Barely make it home in time to start puking my guts out.
2 days later i finally go to the highest quality military hospital in the land, which is an oxymoron because quality and military hospital should never be put in the same sentence together. My dad and I waltz into the ER and im slapped onto a gurney and rolled back for x rays.
But wait. Whats that. I need to roll over on my side and bend my knees up to my chest? OK doc, whatever you say. Why do you have rubber gloves on OH MY GOD!
So i pull my underwear back up and the copious amounts of lube this guy used was enough to vacate all the remaining poop left in me straight into my underwear. Which wasnt a whole lot when you thing about it since i had been puking almost non stop for 2 days and reached teh point of dry heaves. Somewhere along the line i caught a glimpse of a wet brown and white heap in a large ziplock bag. Turns out it was my underwear they removed from me after wheeling me straight into surgery.
Not too bad so far. Im just a 14 year old kid surround by hot nurses while involuntary shitting my pants. Nope. Not too bad at all.
Whats that? I need to try and pee on my own and the catheter needs to come out of my wing wong? Sure, no problem... *12 hours pass*
Well guy, since you still havent regained use of your bladder after getting in there, doing the hokey pokey and moving it all about to drain the ocean of puss and bile in your abdomen, we're gonna have to stick that catheter back in!
Golly gosh Doc, really!? Make sure you have at minimum 3 hot nurses and my dad all stand around my bed while a big black man shoves that big ol tube down my ding-a-ling. Dont worry about the huge boner thats gonna pop up. Thats just Willy trying to protect himself from the set of strange hands and foreign object trying to be shoved where its not suppose to go!
thank god i dont remember most of that 18 day hospital stay.
parents thought it was the flu. I didnt feel bad before it popped either. Just sitting in Biology class, going over a group project when i felt a stabbing pain in my lower abdomen. Made me crouch over for a couple seconds, then it was gone. After that class I started to feel worse and worse. I was barely able to keep from tossing my cookies by the end of school. Ruptured at 10:30 on a monday, got home at 3ish. Wednesday night went to the doctor because i couldnt keep anything down. not even water.
things I learned on this trip... Im allergic to morphine, demerol sucks, i have a fairly high level of pain tolerance, i either metabolize painkillers waaaaaaay to fast or they almost kill me. The doctors were concerned because it took me far to long to come out of the anesthesia, even though i remember them lifting me up off the table after surgery... which is where i saw my poopy underwear laying next to me.
I had no money and offered a guy begging a smoke. He asked what type and then refused a marlboro.
He may well have been better dressed than me too. :?
Beat me on 360: Raybies666
I remember when I had time to be good at games.
I look at him sort of incredulously for a second and reply "Sorry, I don't carry cash, I just use my debit card." Which is true most days, including at that moment.
"Come on man, just give me a dollar."
"Dude, I'm not lying to you. No cash."
So he storms off calling me a "goddamn fucking cheapass cracker"
I was just kind of flustered over the whole thing. Like I pissed on his mother's grave by not going to the ATM, getting change, and giving him a dollar.
The proper response is "sorry, I only have twenties."
Fixed that for ya.
Don't feel like you did something wrong, though mentioning the debit card is tacky. Lots of people act like this. They're either angry, manipulative, drunk, or have mental health care issues. I do a little voly work with homelessness prevention, and have friends that do a lot more. I recommend to you that if you want to help people in the future, make donations to a local charity or shelter (preferably a non-religious one). It'll go a lot farther. Not every homeless person is going to spend it on drugs/alcohol, but addiction or mental health problems are the primary reason people are homeless. Even if they're going to spend it on food, they'll likely eat somewhere retail (eg a subway), which is much less bang for the buck than what a shelter is going to buy in bulk to feed many people.
I do want to help people, which is why I currently work for California Association of Nonprofits and have an interview next week for a 10 month service in the Americorps. :P
Goddamn hippy.
One night I went out to a bar with friends. I don't go out to bars or clubs or anything. In fact, this was probably the first time I ever had gone anywhere. At any rate, we all drink a couple beers, nothing much really. I had maybe three Coors Lights. At one point, one friend brings up a beer I had never heard of. She and another friend started raving about how great this beer is, as if it were the god of all beers. I bite and raise my hand: "So, Uhhh...what is this beer?"
The girl looks surprised and then runs off. She comes back with two of them, one for me and one for the other guy.
The beer was Double Dead Guy Ale. For those not in the know, as was I, this is a 10-11 percent proof ale, which comes in a 750 ml bottle.
I drink it. Honestly, a little strong for my taste, but I down it because I don't want to offend the girl that bought it for me, or the guy who thinks it's the God of Beers. By the time we decide to leave, there's still some in the bottle. They berate me before passing the bottle around to chug the rest of it. I take a chug. Probably the reason I was drinking it so slowly is because of the strongness, and it looks like my intuition was right about taking it slow, because after drinking so much at once, my tummy started googling.
One of them asks me if I'm all right.
Immediately, I put my hand over my mouths and my cheeks blow up as vomit erupts from my throat. A little squirts from my palms, but otherwise I've contained the first wave.
The others are starting to go bug-eyed as they see a disaster and probably a kicking out of the bar in the works. However, before more comes up, I eye a glass one of them has been drinking out of. I swipe it and proceed to barf into the glass. I set it down, wipe my face down a bit and am otherwise perfectly alright.
The others congratulate me one the cleanest throw ups they've ever seen. Luckily, we were in a sort-of alcove where few people could see us, so the story is more of how I avoided an embarrassing situation.
|Xbox Live Tag: Omeks
|PSN Tag: Omeks_R7
|Rock Band: Profile|DLC Collection
What did you do with the glass? You surely didn't just leave it there for some poor bar worker to collect
However, that reminds me of a fairly infamous story of mine, which is slightly less classy than yours.
Me and a couple of friends had just been to see some random movie at the cinema, and we were at a fairly nice (not massively posh) Italian restaurant. The set up to this story is that I was in the beginning stages of the cold - where you don't feel terrible, but you've got the runny nose, inklings of a sore throat etc. Now, we're reaching the end of our stay there and starting to think about asking for the bill - it is also important to note that we were in a table in the corner, but in fairly close proximity of other people. So we're discussing the movie and then one of my friends says something that floors me, and I have a burst of laughter.
Except that I'm taking a drink of my coke at the time.
And I have a runny nose.
So what this 'burst of laughter' becomes is more a snort that launches a fairly substantial ball of snot into my glass and thus my drink. *plonk*. My friends don't notice until they realise that I'm not moving and just staring into the glass (my mouth is still in contact with the glass), and then they twig what's happened. I hastily mop up the snot flotsam and jetsam that's on my upper lip with the handkerchief and then we start trying to think of how best deal with this situation. Things aren't helped by the fact that apparently snot is less dense than coke, and will thus FLOAT, like a melting green icecube. So I do my best to hide the glass while my friends flag down the waitress for the bill, and then I leave a very generous tip and we scatter out into the night.
This was about 2 years ago and I still get shit for it from my friends.
Maybe more a story for the creepy and disturbing thread.
Unfortunately, yes. The alternative was to take it up, hand it to him, and tell him "I barfed in this glass, here ya go!"
Though I guess on second thought I should have taken it to the bathroom and rinsed it, but I guess I wasn't thinking clearly at the time and my friends wanted to GTFO. I'm not exactly proud of it, though my friends seemed to be about making it in the glass...
|Xbox Live Tag: Omeks
|PSN Tag: Omeks_R7
|Rock Band: Profile|DLC Collection
Reeeaaal classy.
I bought her a new one.
When I was really young, around 5 or 6 years old, my family went to San Francisco to have a weekend in December to go shopping and generally hang around. I don't remember the exact details, but the hotel would only let my dad in (I really can't remember why this was the case) leaving me, my mom, and my younger brother outside. In San Franciso. In December.
My mom is leaned against the wall outside waiting for my dad to come back, I'm huddled in her arms, and my brother is sitting in front of me. This lady walks by and automatically assumes we're homeless, stops, pulls out a stuffed horse from her shopping, and gave it to us! I didn't understand what was going on, and I don't remember saying anything, but my mom hurriedly tried to explain "Oh no we're not homeless- no really, I mean-" but the lady just kept cutting her off, saying it was okay, and left us with this stuffed animal. We still have it somewhere. To be fair, it was awesome for me, but my mom was utterly mortified.
In a weirdly similar set of circumstances, my best friend was mistaken for homeless too, except this time she was just walking down the street when a guy pulled over and handed her his Cheesecake Factory leftovers...
I was just in San Fran recently. Jesus there are a lot of homeless dudes just chilling outside the BART/Muni stations, going up to people. They are ballsy.
We also went to Oakland, where the people are fucking nuts. And I live in New York City. They're a different sort of nuts there than here.
3DS Friend Code: 2165-6448-8348 www.Twitch.TV/cooljammer00
Battle.Net: JohnDarc#1203 Origin/UPlay: CoolJammer00
the background
The Setup
We get back to the apartment, when he throws in Fellowship of the Rings (he had been on a LotR kick all week long; remember this fact for later) and we start going through the wine. He takes a little of the merlot and decides it's the most foulest beverage he's ever had and hands me what is pretty much a full bottle. I think it's a waste to throw out a perfectly good drink and resolve to finish the...holy shit merlot is terrible. I keep trying to down it and...god all mighty this is what it's like to drink leather. Eventually I manage to finish what I eventually become convinced is tepid water left to sit with a leather jacket over the course of a weekend. Around this time, I notice that Mal has gone through the other three bottles of wine himself. He's pretty wasted at this point, but we continue to watch a little LotR ("NOOOOO Magneto, don't do it. He's The Man With The Golden Gun. He'll kill you with a single shot!") before he stumbles off to bed and I pass out on the couch.
The Quest Begins
"Dude meet me at <pizza/bar joint>!"
"....o....okay?"
I meet him there, and he's already got pizza ready and a beer.
Beer #1
"Okay, here's the start of the day."
"What day?"
"I'm going to attempt to drink the city?"
"What?"
"I'm going to drink at every bar in town. EVER ONE. And I'm going to get a Guinness at every one."
"No you're not."
"Yes I am. Dude, you made a promise to my sister."
"Damn, I did. Okay, but if you start to get too drunk. We're done. We're going back home."
"Fine, fine, fine.
Beer #2
We finish up at the pizza joint and walk down the main street to the second bar. He orders another Guinness. Mal loves Guinness, but it does not love him. He's already kind of tipsy. He's kind of rude to the bartender, but the guy serves him anyway.
"God, this place is FILTHY. I don't see how they stay in business."
"You know, this is not something you talk about with the bartender in ear shot."
"FUCK HIM. I'm probably not coming back here anyway" (bullshit, we were back in there weeks later)
"You're already going down hill."
"DON'T YOU RUIN MY BIRTHDAY FOR ME."
"Fine, fine."
Beer #3
We walk to the next bar, there's a wait. He's a little annoyed, but he gets his beer soon enough. He spends fifteen minutes nursing it before he can get it down. It's kind of obvious that he's getting drunk. However, he's not wanting to give up yet.
"Okay, you're getting kind of drunk."
"NO I'M NOT. DD YOU WILL NOT RUIN THIS BIRTHDAY FOR ME. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A LIAR TO MY SISTER!"
"Fine, three more bars, but then you're cut off (there's at least 10 in town)
"We'll see."
At this point, we've exhausted the bars on this part of town. Next up, Frat Row!
Our Journey Continues into the Mines of Frat Bars
Beer #4
There's not too much trouble here at first. He gets his beer and manages to drink it in a timely fashion, unlike #3. However, he then realizes that it's summer and that means that this bar (and the other two in this particular strip) has not been enjoying their usual customers lately.
"MAAAAAN. Business must SUUUUCK for you guys right now. I mean, none of your frat guys are here to get shit from you guys, and that leaves nobody for you!"
"Dude, that's not something you bring up..."
Owner:"Yeah, we've been hurting pretty badly lately..."
"MAN, it must really suck right now not having anybody come in except for people like US."
Owner: "Well, it's not actually been too bad at nights since that other bar burnt down."
"Woah, then I guess you're not lookin' forward to when they open back up HAHAHA"
Beer #5
They don't have Guinness. Mal pitches a fit but accepts the closest alternative they have (New Castle, I think).
At this point, I get a call from Ms. Dragoon, who's been away teaching at a summer camp.
MD "Hey, DD, my grandfather's in the hospital, I don't know what to..."
Mal runs up and grabs the phone away
Mal "HEY SISTER! YOUR BROTHER IS ENJOYING A GREAT BIRTHDAY BECAUSE OF THE PROMISE YOU MADE DRAGOON MAKE YOUR SUCH A GREAT SISTER HEY SISTER SISTER SISTER SISTER"
MD: "I...I...I'm not SISTER"
Me: "Dude, not now. There's a situation."
Thankfully, Ms. Dragoon is also friends with Mal and knows how he acts when drunk, so she found it funny, despite the situation with her grandfather.
Mal then decided to call his sister. When he got her voicemail, all he could say was "So I heard you like Mudkips"
Beer #6
This one was kind of uneventful. There's the same banter as with beer #4, though the owner can't get away this time, as he's in a cast.
"Hey, what's with the cast?"
"I was in a motorcycle wreck."
"DUDE THAT MUST SUCK"
"Yeah, I can't drive a bike for a good while."
"Goddamn, that really sucks."
"Yeah, it does."
"Man, that sucks."
"Yup."
"Sucks."
The Quest is Redefined in the Council of Jeeprond
"Hey, Dragoon, you're a good friend. Dragoon. You're the best friend I could ever have Dragoon."
<car in the next lane honks at me>
"HEY FUCK YOU FUCKER"
<he rolls the window down and leans his upper torso and an arm out, flipping the guy off in the process>
"FUCK YOU YOU DO NOT HONK AT THE CAR OF MR DARK DRAGOON THE BEST FRIEND EVER FUCK YOU I AUGHT TO KILL YOU YOU SORRY SACK OF SHIT HEY DRAGOON UNLOCK THIS DOOR SO I CAN BEAT THAT FUCKER UP WHY ARE YOU PULLING ME BACK IN AND ROLLING THE WINDOW UP AND LOCKING THE WINDOW
...you're the best friend ever Dragoon.
(remember when I said to remember that Mal had been on a Lord of the Rings kick lately. Here's where it begins to pay off)
"Okay, I think you're done for the day. You're obviously not going to make it much longer.
"No no no, I'm fine. I can go the distance. Besides, we're on a quest."
"Yes, I know. You want to drink at every bar in town."
"What? No. That's not the quest. Our quest is to deliver the ONE RING of Sobriety to be destroyed in the Alcohols of Mount Drunk."
"What"
"Really"
"What"
"It's the only way we can defeat the Evil Bartendroun"
"We're hobbits now?
"Fuzzy little toes
(He's probably joking at this point, but he does and says crazy stuff when drunk. I even caught him speak Gaelic once!)
We enter the lands of Bardor
Uneventful. Completely uneventful. This is made even worse due to him sitting and nursing a single beer for almost 40 minutes. It's also painful that the girl bartender is trying to hit on him, but then gives up when he can only sit there, sipping his beer, muttering about the one ring.
Beer #8
Also uneventful, at least at first. While drinking, he struggles with his decision to order cheese-sticks or not.
"Dragoon, should I get cheese sticks?"
"Are you hungry?"
"No"
"Then don't get cheese sticks"
"Oh, okay..."
"..."
"Hey, Dragoon, should I get cheese sticks?"
"...are you hungry?"
"No"
"...you should totally get some cheese-sticks."
"But I don't want to spend any more money
"...I'm going to the bathroom now."
"Okay bestest buddy in the whole world
I'm in the shitter when I get a phonecall from him
"DRAGOON WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME? DID YOU ABANDON ME HERE? I DON'T SEE YOUR CAR OUTSIDE OH THERE IT IS! WHERE ARE YOU WHY DO ALL MY FRIENDS ABANDON ME"
I finish and walk out.
"OH YOU CAME BACK I KNEW YOU WERE A GREAT FRIEND WHERE DID YOU GO"
"I was in the bathroom, like I said I would be."
"OH YEAH I THOUGHT YOU HAD LEFT ME BEHIND BUT YOU WERE JUST TAKING A BIG OL' SHIT!"
Beer #9
This is also uneventful at first. He gets his beer, nurses it for a while, and bitches about the price. In front of the bartender.
Our friend (let's call him Sythas) shows up, having just got off of work and joins in on the celebration. I fill him in on the Quest to Destroy the One Ring of Sobriety. He laughs. Our attention turns back to Mal, who's swiped several of the bar/restaurant's match-books and is trying to light his napkin on fire.
We arrive at Mt. Drunk. Bartendroun is a very understanding hispanic man
Beer 10/11 (it might as well be two)
Sythas orders he and Mal the quart glasses of beer. Mal points out that he fucking hates mexican beer, but will drink it if Sythas finishes his (he's convinced that nobody can keep shitty mexican beer down). Food is also ordered. At some point, Sythas mentions how much he loves Habenero sauce, but nobody is willing to take some along with him. I'm game and try the stuff out on its own.
During this, Mal is taking forever to finish his beer, despite Sythas finishing his and me encouraging him.
"Dude, you're almost up Mt. Drunk. Sam and Gollum are there. Gollum is trying to grab the ring. YOU NEED TO DESTROY IT NOW. FINISH THE QUEST."
"...I need to go to the bathroom"
He stumbles off to the bathroom. I'm kind of annoyed that he's not finishing this stupid thing up so I we don't really have to suffer him getting any worse than he already was, and I was also feeling a bit devious. Thus, with Sythas laughing about it while it happened, I took the thing of Habenero sauce that we had, took Mal's food, and doused it with the sauce. Finally, I close the food up to hide the deed. Mal returns and proceeds to SCARF DOWN HIS FOOD WITHOUT ANY REACTION.
Sythas and Me:
Mal:o_O
Sythas: Are....are you feeling okay?
Mal: Food was great, why not?
Sythas and Me:
He can't take his alcohol, but he can certainly take his hot sauces, apparently.
At any rate, the beer is still there, unfinished. Sythas and I are both ready to go, the tab's been paid, and I'm sure that the nice bartender is ready for us to go, too, as Mal's been kind of loud. He's also prone to saying racist things jokingly when he's sober, so he's going all out while he's drunk. Sythas and I begin to loudly encourage him to finish his beer. After enough prodding, he picks up the massive mug and chugs what was left of his drink. He slams it down, and does not say *anything* for a moment, with his head hung down. After a brief pause, he then stands up and staggers over to the door, without saying a single word still.
As he puts his hand on the door, he makes the most strangest sound I've ever heard. One of those sounds so out there that you can't even remember how it sounded, other than it's probably what Cthulhu sounds like when he's praying to the porcelain god. He then opened his mouth, and out flew this projectile torrent of orange vomit, which completely covered the middle and lower portion of the door. He then pushed the door open, lowered his head, and then projectiled all over the side-walk. Finally, he stumbled out into the parking lot and covered it with his vomit.
The poor restaurant owner looked out, shook his head, and went back in to grab a bucket of water. Sythas then helped clean up the mess.
Why wasn't I helping with the cleanup process? Because I had to make sure Mal didn't get into any more trouble. When he was finally done vomitting, he decided that his belt was too restrictive, tore it off, and threw it at Sythas's car. The belt was all that was keeping his shorts up, so they fell down around his ankles. He then decided that the highway looked pretty and started waddling towards it. I pretty much had to spend the next ten minutes grabbing him away from the side of the road and keeping his pants from falling down again.
The quest was done, however, and Mal had finally destroyed his sobriety completely. Gollum is now drowning at the bottom of Mt. Drunk trying to hold on to the One Ring. Meanwhile, Mal is curled up in a ball in his seat, only managing to moan as we drive back home. On the way, his phone beeps, signifying that he has a missed call. He checks his voice box with the speaker on. Apparently, his sister had tried to call him back, but, in her message, could only get out
"MAL? WHAT THE HELL IS A MUDKIPS"
tl;dr: Horribly lightweight friend, over the course of 18 hours, drinks 3 bottles of wine, 11 dark and heavy beers, eats 3 full pizzas and a full mexican dinner secretly laced with habenero sauce. Projectile vomits orange vomit all over the bar door, sidewalk, and parking lot, then attempts to streak out into the highway. Also, Mudkips and Lord of the Rings.
You've told us about the restaurant and orange vomit, but the rest is new.
once i was home sick all by myself with the flu. my cat was keeping me company as i read some book at some ungodly hour in the morning. suddenly, my cat made these awful noises, which i thought were usual hairball noises. but then, she vomits all over my sheets and comforter. needless to say the last thing my sick ass wanted to do was clean up nice chunky cat puke, but the smell was horrid (this cat tended to eat smaller animals).
i set to work with spray cleaner and a rag after tossing the blankets in the hamper, trying to remove the odor from my bed. as i worked i got pretty sweaty and felt worse and worse. the smell also was not getting better. the cat merely looked on is passive interest, unaware that all my anger and anguish at this point was caused by her.
i suddenly felt a million times worse, and i knew i was next on the puke train. the feeling overwhelmed me and i only barely managed to hit the trash can near my desk. well, about half of my evacuated soup was on the nice hardwood floors my parents put in.
so i leave, heart heavy and head down, to get more rags and a fan to waft my ever lovely smelling room a bit. as i return i hear my cat making sicky noises again, this time on my desk! i was having nothing of it, so jogged towards the desk. here is where the 'shit' would come in contact with the 'fan'
i, holding a towel and a small fan, run on some unseen vomit on the floor. this next part happened in slow mo for me:
i, in socks on hardwood, slid effortlessly (i.e., uncontrollably fast) into the desk chair. this knocks the wind out of me, and i managed to throw the fan against the wall, breaking it and the drywall. it leaves a nice concave dent, about a foot wide above my desk. it was only inches away from my window.
tl;dr
cat puke makes me puke which then causes me to almost burst my intestines and nearly break a window
I laughed much harder at this comment than the actual story.
This is the best alcohol story
WHAT THE HELL IS A MUDKIPS