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Strange and Embarrassing Moments: Italy: Land of Homoerotic Escapades

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Posts

  • MaceraMacera Registered User
    edited September 2009
    Somebody needs to archive Pony's stories. New readers need to be able to find them and read up. I feel woefully uninformed on all things Pony.

    Pony is like a beautiful flower or a unique snowflake, too delicate and wondrous for our lesser world.
    Just do a search for posts by Pony. Add in "lard", "cabinet", and any other nouns you can think of for extra enjoyment.
    But seriously though Pony's been through some pretty messed-up stuff.

    Macera on
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  • MegalomaniageekMegalomaniageek Registered User
    edited September 2009
    Meloku wrote: »
    I believe the pony story is located here. Well worth a read. Also contains raccoons.

    Holy SHIT.
    I mean just...wow. Also, while it may win "Best Drama" at the Pony awards, I think the Ruination of a Young Gay Man who happens to be a Prick wins "Best Story Ever."
    Also, I personally prefer the more light-hearted stories, like how he (almost?) punched a loli, or how he magnificently dealt with a douchebag weirdo guy who liked Twilight and its young girl readers too much, or (on a slightly less light but still hilarious note) how his cousin Mark screwed a distant relative at a wedding.

    See, this is why I'm calling for an archive (or a book). There are just tons. And not enough of them have the notoriety to be easily searched.

    Megalomaniageek on
    Shadowhope wrote:
    What's the difference between Mass Effect 3 and the Gospel According to Saint Mark? One has an ending too sacred to be changed, and the other is part of the Bible.
  • SpectrumSpectrum Super High-School Level ??? Hope's Peak AcademyRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Meloku wrote: »
    I believe the pony story is located here. Well worth a read. Also contains raccoons.

    Holy SHIT.
    I mean just...wow. Also, while it may win "Best Drama" at the Pony awards, I think the Ruination of a Young Gay Man who happens to be a Prick wins "Best Story Ever."
    Also, I personally prefer the more light-hearted stories, like how he (almost?) punched a loli, or how he magnificently dealt with a douchebag weirdo guy who liked Twilight and its young girl readers too much, or (on a slightly less light but still hilarious note) how his cousin Mark screwed a distant relative at a wedding.

    See, this is why I'm calling for an archive (or a book). There are just tons. And not enough of them have the notoriety to be easily searched.
    The imagery in that post is spectacular.

    Spectrum on
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  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Wasn't Pony the one who almost raped his friend's sister?

    cooljammer00 on
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  • clsCorwinclsCorwin Registered User
    edited September 2009
    At the very least we need a dedicated Pony only thread, with stories only and no discussion. An homage to Pony, if you will.

    In his mind, yes. Though given the state of his mind, it was equally likely to have been the raccoon too.

    clsCorwin on
  • DarkPrimusDarkPrimus premium Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Wasn't Pony the one who almost raped his friend's sister?

    If by "almost" you mean "hallucinated he did when she wasn't even in the same city block as him all night".

    DarkPrimus on
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  • PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    in case there was confusion about it, i'm a dude, but not a straight one

    Pony on
  • MegalomaniageekMegalomaniageek Registered User
    edited September 2009
    I think it's been cleared up.
    Also, hope you don't mind being a local celebrity about whom we will speak like you aren't here. It's your storytelling ability and generally interesting life.

    Megalomaniageek on
    Shadowhope wrote:
    What's the difference between Mass Effect 3 and the Gospel According to Saint Mark? One has an ending too sacred to be changed, and the other is part of the Bible.
  • Undead ScottsmanUndead Scottsman Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    I think it's been cleared up.
    Also, hope you don't mind being a local celebrity about whom we will speak like you aren't here. It's your storytelling ability and generally batshit insane life.

    Undead Scottsman on
  • PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    my life's pretty normal

    i mean i gotta see a man in a couple hours about having some needles inserted into my scrotum

    but it's pretty mundane really

    Pony on
  • AriviaArivia Registered User
    edited September 2009
    So I was one of those precocious children who learned to read before talking. When I was 2, I had a vocabulary of like seven words, a ton of gestures, and my parents were beginning to contemplate getting me checked out. Then I sat down on my dad's lap one day and read the front page of the newspaper to him. Problem solved.

    Kids, dinosaur, kid likes reading big books - hey, sure, she can read jurassic park. I learned how to swear at age five but really had no idea what it meant. So whenever I got to a sex or otherwise transgressive part in a book I just skipped through because it wasn't anything new or alarming to me. But my brain kind of kept the words around.

    Fast forward to about 2004. Late September afternoon. By now, it was firmly established that I'd pick words up from books and use them without any idea of their real meaning or context. My grandmother had just retired, and she was taking the whole family for fast food at Wendy's for some reason. The conversation was mostly about her retirement, of course, and she kept saying she was so bored now, with nothing to do.

    I, knowing that some people did this when bored, piped up. "Well, why don't you jack off?" Frozen faces. Turned heads. The quick cessation of chewing. Everyone in the restaurant turns to look at a girl who innocently knows no shame about this. I catch everyone's faces and go "What? Why doesn't she jack off? Everyone does it."

    Sixty people saw me telling my grandmother to jack off.

    I don't think I've ever been pulled into a bathroom so fast in my life.

    Arivia on
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  • DemiurgeDemiurge Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Arivia, how old are you in that story, out of interest?

    Demiurge on
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  • AriviaArivia Registered User
    edited September 2009
    15.

    Arivia on
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  • Undead ScottsmanUndead Scottsman Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    You know, by that age you really should know better.

    I mean, jeeze, guys jack off, not women. Get it right! :D

    Undead Scottsman on
  • DemiurgeDemiurge Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Well thats not the behavior expected of a 15 year old, no :P I guess if you'd been 12 it could have been excusable but I bet you got a stern talking to :lol:

    Demiurge on
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  • PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    when i was 10

    my 6 year old brother had somehow learned of the word clitoris

    probably from TV or something, i'm assuming

    and, being 6, would be the sort of word he'd just use without knowing the meaning because an unfamiliar multi-syllabic word still sounds hilarious to a six year old, i guess?

    anyway so he's just sorta saying it out loud, and then starts doing the banana-nana-fo-fana song thing to it

    and i admonish him and explain to him that is a bad word and he shouldn't say it

    my mother was already in earshot and was moving to the location to do pretty much the same thing but paused when she heard me giving him heck for it

    and then she sorta gave me this eyes narrowed look, which i took as taciturn approval for correcting my brother's misbehavior

    it occurs to me now as an adult that it was likely that she was questioning not only why her six year old son knows this word, but why her ten year old son both knows this word and has some understanding that it's some kind of naughty word that shouldn't be said aloud.

    but she didn't speak anything on the subject, so who knows

    Pony on
  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    daww

    cooljammer00 on
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  • Curly_BraceCurly_Brace Robot Girl Mimiga VillageRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Man oh man Pony, you need to meet some of the other fucked up people I know. So we can form a fucked up people commune.

    You can fuck Republican Senators and then blackmail them in order to fund the commune. And I can cook!

    Curly_Brace on
  • SpectrumSpectrum Super High-School Level ??? Hope's Peak AcademyRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Man oh man Pony, you need to meet some of the other fucked up people I know. So we can form a fucked up people commune.

    You can fuck Republican Senators and then blackmail them in order to fund the commune. And I can cook!
    This is a good plan. Pony, use your powers for evil and go seduce some Representatives and get back to us.

    Spectrum on
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  • GrisloGrislo Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Arivia wrote: »
    15.

    That's a typo, right? It was meant to be 10, or something?

    Grislo on
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  • DemiurgeDemiurge Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Grislo wrote: »
    Arivia wrote: »
    15.

    That's a typo, right? It was meant to be 10, or something?

    Maybe she was a sheltered christian girl?

    Demiurge on
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  • AriviaArivia Registered User
    edited September 2009
    Grislo wrote: »
    Arivia wrote: »
    15.

    That's a typo, right? It was meant to be 10, or something?

    It could honestly be much earlier. I've forgotten when. 2004 was a date I pulled out of my head. Actually, thinking about it now, it would have been 2002 at the latest.

    Arivia on
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  • DarkPrimusDarkPrimus premium Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Oh god I'm getting so old now I'm considering anyone below 20 to be "young".

    DarkPrimus on
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  • admanbadmanb unionize your workplace Seattle, WARegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    DarkPrimus wrote: »
    Oh god I'm getting so old now I'm considering anyone below 20 to be "young".

    I'm 23 and I already do that.

    It's all downhill from here.

    admanb on
  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Birds wrote: »
    We also went to Oakland, where the people are fucking nuts. And I live in New York City. They're a different sort of nuts there than here.

    I know this is from the last page, but man... the homeless people I've encountered while in NYC....unbelievable.

    I go to school on 23rd and 3rd, and just that area alone has got to have 5 or 6 homeless people. This one lady would wear nothing but a large white t-shirt and dance around, yelling all these things I couldn't understand, and grab people's arms and shake them. She seemed so fucking happy running all over the place.

    Then there's the "harmonica dude". He'll either have a harmonica with him, a cup and a stick, or a guitar. He'll play them, probably thinking he's pretty good, but he's really just making random and really loud noises. I give him change sometimes, for the effort.

    In my defense, you probably know this city better than I do.

    cooljammer00 on
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  • ForarForar #432 Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Not particularly embarassing, but certainly strange; some homeless people are scared of me.

    See, I used to work mall security.

    okay, that's embarassing.

    Well, not really. Call it what you like, it paid absurdly well.

    Anyway, the mall I work at has a number of homeless people who hang around. Some just wander in when the weather is ugly, and as long as they behave themselves we generally looked the other way. Some will panhandle just off our property, which we can't legally do much about.

    However, there are a number of highly aggressive homeless folks who will wander onto our property, demand money from people and are generally unpleasant to deal with. A few of them made the mistake of assaulting patrons/staff and instead of being politely escorted off site, instead were escorted to our holding cell to speak to the police. For all I know, this is what they wanted (in terms of temporary food/shelter), but who am I not to oblige them when they do stupid shit like shove an obviously pregnant member of our cleaning staff.

    Now, I always tried to conduct myself with a measure of professionalism, and made a point of never using force beyond that which was required to do my job. Yet for some reason, there are a number of homeless people who will recognize me and immediately vacate wherever they are or whatever they're doing if they see me. Not just in or around the mall, but all over the downtown core. Blocks away from where I had any interaction with them at all. I'll see them pan handling in a subway station or in a street alcove, they'll do a double take and wander off.

    And I haven't been 'on the floor' in something over 5 years!

    :?

    Forar on
    First they came for the Muslims, and we said NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER!
  • SpacemilkSpacemilk Registered User
    edited September 2009
    I registered to post in this thread with my story which will seem mild to people like Pony but was quite embarrassing for me at the time. Of course it is a "drnuk" story.

    A little explanation: I am a very petite girl. In college I did boxing so I am very capable of taking care of myself but you'd never know it by looking at me. As a drunk person I am extremely laid back; if I'm on the rag I might be a bit bitchy but this is rare.

    Flashback to the end of my senior year in college. It's the week after finals but the week before graduation, so everyone is on campus with nothing to do but go out to the local bars and get wasted. I'm out at my favorite bar with my good friends and my boyfriend, and I have long since left tipsy and am on my way to wasted land.

    Now, I loved this bar for several reasons. First of all, it was relatively well lit in one half of the bar so you could actually see people around you (not well lit in the dancing area though which is exactly how I like it ohhh yeahhh). Second of all, inevitably I knew half the people in the bar (it was a small college) so it was one big hang-out fest, which is just how laid-back-drunk me liked it. Third, drinks were cheap and strong, and this bar was great about frequently sending out scantily clad waitresses with trays full of free half-shots of some kind of alcohol they wanted to sell more of. However, unbeknownest to me and my friends, patrons could buy trays of these half-shots for themselves - it was a decent deal but we always did the horrifically strong pitchers of Long Island Iced Tea so we never found out about the trays.

    Anyway, a couple of my girl friends and I decide we need a potty break and we head out (we travel in packs of course). On the way to the bathroom, I spot a scantily clad girl flirting with a fat guy and she's got a tray chock full of half shots and I'm like "BONUS, free half-shots!" So I grab two little plastic cups and cheerfully start to head on. The half naked bitch whips around and says "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING. BITCH. I DON'T KNOW YOU. PUT THE FUCKING SHOTS BACK. PUT THEM DOWN. THAT'S RIGHT. GET THE FUCK AWAY." I'm in utter shock, my mouth is hanging open, and I meekly place the two shots back on the tray. The girl gives me the "raised lip in disgust" look and turns to the guy and says "What a stupid bitch."

    So I continue on to the bathroom, still a little shocked at how vicious the girl had been. As I'm standing in line contemplating her actions, I realize I'm not exactly angry, but I'm disappointed - sort of the way a mother would be disappointed in her kid. And I'm disappointed because I feel this girl disrespected me. So I do my business and, without waiting for my friends, head out of the bathroom in search of this girl.

    I spot her and head over to her. She turns to me and I say "Were you the person who just told me to put the shot back?" Without waiting for an answer, I wind up and slap her across the face as hard as I can. Her head whips back and she comes back with the look of "OH NO U DI'N'T" on her face. I wheel around and head back to my group.

    Luckily she wasn't actually a waitress or I would've gotten kicked out. She spent the rest of the night with a MASSIVE red mark on her face. Occasionally I'd look over at her and she'd be giving me a bitch look of death, so I'd waggle my fingers and wave at her, sometimes I'd even wink - like I said, I was DRNUK. My group of friends had seen what happened and were like "What the fuck just happened!" Like I said earlier, I knew half the people in the bar and they were all like "WHOA DID SPACEMILK JUST SLAP A HO" because most people knew me as a very laid-back person. The general assumption was that the bitch had made a move on my boyfriend, who was there at the time, and I was just defending my claim. Only a couple of people found out I'd actually slapped her for disrespecting me when I was trying to steal a shot.

    Spacemilk on
  • SyphonBlueSyphonBlue Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    That needs to go in the AWESOME moments thread

    SyphonBlue on
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  • Teslan26Teslan26 Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Pony wrote: »
    why her ten year old son both knows this word and has some understanding that it's some kind of naughty word that shouldn't be said aloud.

    See - that was what I was wondering....

    Teslan26 on
    Snowbeat wrote: »
    get out of here, numbername
  • MaliegerMalieger Registered User
    edited September 2009
    On the topic of stories involving alcohol and vomit, I've got a fairly amusing one I don't think I've shared here before. It takes place last summer, when my roommate, who we shall call Mal, crossed the boundary into the age of 21, a day he shall remember (or not) for booze, food, vomit, and Lord of the Rings

    the background
    Now, Mal was not exactly any stranger to alcohol. One of my earliest memories is of him admitting that he used to make raisin-jack in his dorm room because he would be so desperate for alcohol (apparently, he needed it to fall asleep due to his rowdy neighbors). He kind of cut it all down once he ended up moving into the apartment, as the only one old enough in the house to actually go out and buy some didn't exactly like to share and Mal didn't exactly like having to pay for the shit. It's probably for the best that he didn't really drink all that often, as he's got the constitution of a chihuahua. All he has to do is think about alcohol, and he gets a bit tipsy. It's this fact alone that makes it kind of a surprise that the following events actually lasting as long as they did.

    The Setup
    So, Mal turned 21. He really wasn't wanting to start a bar crawl that late at night, so he decided to get some pizza for now and demanded that we raid the grocery store for wine. When we get there, he is not exactly sure as to what to get, outside of knowing that Riesling is supposed to be the shit. So he grabs a bottle of that and three other kinds of wine (Pinot Noir, Pinot Gregio, and Merlot). I also get a call from his sister demanding that he at least go out and do something fun on his birthday since she couldn't be there. I promise to make sure he actually leaves the apartment for some fun later on.

    We get back to the apartment, when he throws in Fellowship of the Rings (he had been on a LotR kick all week long; remember this fact for later) and we start going through the wine. He takes a little of the merlot and decides it's the most foulest beverage he's ever had and hands me what is pretty much a full bottle. I think it's a waste to throw out a perfectly good drink and resolve to finish the...holy shit merlot is terrible. I keep trying to down it and...god all mighty this is what it's like to drink leather. Eventually I manage to finish what I eventually become convinced is tepid water left to sit with a leather jacket over the course of a weekend. Around this time, I notice that Mal has gone through the other three bottles of wine himself. He's pretty wasted at this point, but we continue to watch a little LotR ("NOOOOO Magneto, don't do it. He's The Man With The Golden Gun. He'll kill you with a single shot!") before he stumbles off to bed and I pass out on the couch.

    The Quest Begins
    The next morning, he runs into the living room, still very much drunk from the previous night, needing a ride to class (he's taking summer courses). I drive back to the apartment and pass back out, only to be woken up by him a few hours later, around noonish.

    "Dude meet me at <pizza/bar joint>!"
    "....o....okay?"

    I meet him there, and he's already got pizza ready and a beer.

    Beer #1

    "Okay, here's the start of the day."
    "What day?"
    "I'm going to attempt to drink the city?"
    "What?"
    "I'm going to drink at every bar in town. EVER ONE. And I'm going to get a Guinness at every one."
    "No you're not."
    "Yes I am. Dude, you made a promise to my sister."
    "Damn, I did. Okay, but if you start to get too drunk. We're done. We're going back home."
    "Fine, fine, fine.

    Beer #2

    We finish up at the pizza joint and walk down the main street to the second bar. He orders another Guinness. Mal loves Guinness, but it does not love him. He's already kind of tipsy. He's kind of rude to the bartender, but the guy serves him anyway.

    "God, this place is FILTHY. I don't see how they stay in business."
    "You know, this is not something you talk about with the bartender in ear shot."
    "FUCK HIM. I'm probably not coming back here anyway" (bullshit, we were back in there weeks later)
    "You're already going down hill."
    "DON'T YOU RUIN MY BIRTHDAY FOR ME."
    "Fine, fine."

    Beer #3

    We walk to the next bar, there's a wait. He's a little annoyed, but he gets his beer soon enough. He spends fifteen minutes nursing it before he can get it down. It's kind of obvious that he's getting drunk. However, he's not wanting to give up yet.

    "Okay, you're getting kind of drunk."
    "NO I'M NOT. DD YOU WILL NOT RUIN THIS BIRTHDAY FOR ME. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A LIAR TO MY SISTER!"
    "Fine, three more bars, but then you're cut off (there's at least 10 in town)
    "We'll see."

    At this point, we've exhausted the bars on this part of town. Next up, Frat Row!

    Our Journey Continues into the Mines of Frat Bars
    We drive to the strip of bars that the greeks typically go to. It's also worth noting that I'm just getting water at every place we go to, since I know that it really wouldn't do me any good to be drinking along with Mal.

    Beer #4

    There's not too much trouble here at first. He gets his beer and manages to drink it in a timely fashion, unlike #3. However, he then realizes that it's summer and that means that this bar (and the other two in this particular strip) has not been enjoying their usual customers lately.

    "MAAAAAN. Business must SUUUUCK for you guys right now. I mean, none of your frat guys are here to get shit from you guys, and that leaves nobody for you!"
    "Dude, that's not something you bring up..."
    Owner:"Yeah, we've been hurting pretty badly lately..."
    "MAN, it must really suck right now not having anybody come in except for people like US."
    Owner: "Well, it's not actually been too bad at nights since that other bar burnt down."
    "Woah, then I guess you're not lookin' forward to when they open back up HAHAHA"


    Beer #5

    They don't have Guinness. Mal pitches a fit but accepts the closest alternative they have (New Castle, I think).

    At this point, I get a call from Ms. Dragoon, who's been away teaching at a summer camp.

    MD "Hey, DD, my grandfather's in the hospital, I don't know what to..."

    Mal runs up and grabs the phone away

    Mal "HEY SISTER! YOUR BROTHER IS ENJOYING A GREAT BIRTHDAY BECAUSE OF THE PROMISE YOU MADE DRAGOON MAKE YOUR SUCH A GREAT SISTER HEY SISTER SISTER SISTER SISTER"
    MD: "I...I...I'm not SISTER"
    Me: "Dude, not now. There's a situation."

    Thankfully, Ms. Dragoon is also friends with Mal and knows how he acts when drunk, so she found it funny, despite the situation with her grandfather.

    Mal then decided to call his sister. When he got her voicemail, all he could say was "So I heard you like Mudkips"

    Beer #6
    This one was kind of uneventful. There's the same banter as with beer #4, though the owner can't get away this time, as he's in a cast.

    "Hey, what's with the cast?"
    "I was in a motorcycle wreck."
    "DUDE THAT MUST SUCK"
    "Yeah, I can't drive a bike for a good while."
    "Goddamn, that really sucks."
    "Yeah, it does."
    "Man, that sucks."
    "Yup."
    "Sucks."

    The Quest is Redefined in the Council of Jeeprond
    At this point, we're back in my jeep, driving towards the next bar.

    "Hey, Dragoon, you're a good friend. Dragoon. You're the best friend I could ever have Dragoon."
    <car in the next lane honks at me>
    "HEY FUCK YOU FUCKER"
    <he rolls the window down and leans his upper torso and an arm out, flipping the guy off in the process>
    "FUCK YOU YOU DO NOT HONK AT THE CAR OF MR DARK DRAGOON THE BEST FRIEND EVER FUCK YOU I AUGHT TO KILL YOU YOU SORRY SACK OF SHIT HEY DRAGOON UNLOCK THIS DOOR SO I CAN BEAT THAT FUCKER UP WHY ARE YOU PULLING ME BACK IN AND ROLLING THE WINDOW UP AND LOCKING THE WINDOW
    ...you're the best friend ever Dragoon.

    (remember when I said to remember that Mal had been on a Lord of the Rings kick lately. Here's where it begins to pay off)

    "Okay, I think you're done for the day. You're obviously not going to make it much longer.
    "No no no, I'm fine. I can go the distance. Besides, we're on a quest."
    "Yes, I know. You want to drink at every bar in town."
    "What? No. That's not the quest. Our quest is to deliver the ONE RING of Sobriety to be destroyed in the Alcohols of Mount Drunk."
    "What"
    "Really"
    "What"
    "It's the only way we can defeat the Evil Bartendroun"
    "We're hobbits now?
    "Fuzzy little toes :)"

    (He's probably joking at this point, but he does and says crazy stuff when drunk. I even caught him speak Gaelic once!)

    We enter the lands of Bardor
    Beer #7
    Uneventful. Completely uneventful. This is made even worse due to him sitting and nursing a single beer for almost 40 minutes. It's also painful that the girl bartender is trying to hit on him, but then gives up when he can only sit there, sipping his beer, muttering about the one ring.

    Beer #8
    Also uneventful, at least at first. While drinking, he struggles with his decision to order cheese-sticks or not.

    "Dragoon, should I get cheese sticks?"
    "Are you hungry?"
    "No"
    "Then don't get cheese sticks"
    "Oh, okay..."
    "..."
    "Hey, Dragoon, should I get cheese sticks?"
    "...are you hungry?"
    "No"
    "...you should totally get some cheese-sticks."
    "But I don't want to spend any more money :("
    "...I'm going to the bathroom now."
    "Okay bestest buddy in the whole world :)"

    I'm in the shitter when I get a phonecall from him

    "DRAGOON WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME? DID YOU ABANDON ME HERE? I DON'T SEE YOUR CAR OUTSIDE OH THERE IT IS! WHERE ARE YOU WHY DO ALL MY FRIENDS ABANDON ME"

    I finish and walk out.

    "OH YOU CAME BACK I KNEW YOU WERE A GREAT FRIEND WHERE DID YOU GO"
    "I was in the bathroom, like I said I would be."
    "OH YEAH I THOUGHT YOU HAD LEFT ME BEHIND BUT YOU WERE JUST TAKING A BIG OL' SHIT!"

    Beer #9
    This is also uneventful at first. He gets his beer, nurses it for a while, and bitches about the price. In front of the bartender.

    Our friend (let's call him Sythas) shows up, having just got off of work and joins in on the celebration. I fill him in on the Quest to Destroy the One Ring of Sobriety. He laughs. Our attention turns back to Mal, who's swiped several of the bar/restaurant's match-books and is trying to light his napkin on fire.


    We arrive at Mt. Drunk. Bartendroun is a very understanding hispanic man
    Sythas decides that the final portion of the quest should be a great undertaking. He points out that the last open bar in town is also a mexican restaurant (he's hungry, so it works out both ways), which happens to serve Quarts of what is essentially the mexican version of Guinness for cheap. Mal really can't think for himself at this point and just nods his head to the suggestion.

    Beer 10/11 (it might as well be two)

    Sythas orders he and Mal the quart glasses of beer. Mal points out that he fucking hates mexican beer, but will drink it if Sythas finishes his (he's convinced that nobody can keep shitty mexican beer down). Food is also ordered. At some point, Sythas mentions how much he loves Habenero sauce, but nobody is willing to take some along with him. I'm game and try the stuff out on its own.

    During this, Mal is taking forever to finish his beer, despite Sythas finishing his and me encouraging him.

    "Dude, you're almost up Mt. Drunk. Sam and Gollum are there. Gollum is trying to grab the ring. YOU NEED TO DESTROY IT NOW. FINISH THE QUEST."
    "...I need to go to the bathroom"

    He stumbles off to the bathroom. I'm kind of annoyed that he's not finishing this stupid thing up so I we don't really have to suffer him getting any worse than he already was, and I was also feeling a bit devious. Thus, with Sythas laughing about it while it happened, I took the thing of Habenero sauce that we had, took Mal's food, and doused it with the sauce. Finally, I close the food up to hide the deed. Mal returns and proceeds to SCARF DOWN HIS FOOD WITHOUT ANY REACTION.

    Sythas and Me: D:
    Mal:o_O
    Sythas: Are....are you feeling okay?
    Mal: Food was great, why not?
    Sythas and Me: D:

    He can't take his alcohol, but he can certainly take his hot sauces, apparently.

    At any rate, the beer is still there, unfinished. Sythas and I are both ready to go, the tab's been paid, and I'm sure that the nice bartender is ready for us to go, too, as Mal's been kind of loud. He's also prone to saying racist things jokingly when he's sober, so he's going all out while he's drunk. Sythas and I begin to loudly encourage him to finish his beer. After enough prodding, he picks up the massive mug and chugs what was left of his drink. He slams it down, and does not say *anything* for a moment, with his head hung down. After a brief pause, he then stands up and staggers over to the door, without saying a single word still.

    As he puts his hand on the door, he makes the most strangest sound I've ever heard. One of those sounds so out there that you can't even remember how it sounded, other than it's probably what Cthulhu sounds like when he's praying to the porcelain god. He then opened his mouth, and out flew this projectile torrent of orange vomit, which completely covered the middle and lower portion of the door. He then pushed the door open, lowered his head, and then projectiled all over the side-walk. Finally, he stumbled out into the parking lot and covered it with his vomit.

    The poor restaurant owner looked out, shook his head, and went back in to grab a bucket of water. Sythas then helped clean up the mess.

    Why wasn't I helping with the cleanup process? Because I had to make sure Mal didn't get into any more trouble. When he was finally done vomitting, he decided that his belt was too restrictive, tore it off, and threw it at Sythas's car. The belt was all that was keeping his shorts up, so they fell down around his ankles. He then decided that the highway looked pretty and started waddling towards it. I pretty much had to spend the next ten minutes grabbing him away from the side of the road and keeping his pants from falling down again.

    The quest was done, however, and Mal had finally destroyed his sobriety completely. Gollum is now drowning at the bottom of Mt. Drunk trying to hold on to the One Ring. Meanwhile, Mal is curled up in a ball in his seat, only managing to moan as we drive back home. On the way, his phone beeps, signifying that he has a missed call. He checks his voice box with the speaker on. Apparently, his sister had tried to call him back, but, in her message, could only get out
    "MAL? WHAT THE HELL IS A MUDKIPS"

    tl;dr: Horribly lightweight friend, over the course of 18 hours, drinks 3 bottles of wine, 11 dark and heavy beers, eats 3 full pizzas and a full mexican dinner secretly laced with habenero sauce. Projectile vomits orange vomit all over the bar door, sidewalk, and parking lot, then attempts to streak out into the highway. Also, Mudkips and Lord of the Rings.

    In my defense, a bottle of wine has the alcohol content of roughly a case of beer. In essence, I drank ~36 beers worth of alcohol the night before...and I woke up drunk the next morning. I was still slightly drunk when I got out of class and hit the bars.

    Anyone who has ever had a Guinness knows that it's a meal in a glass. It wasn't that I couldn't hold my beer or that I'm a lightweight, it was simply that I ran out of room in my stomach to keep the stuff and when I stood up from my seat in the mexican place, my stomach shifted and overflowed. It's why I took so long on my beers, I had to piss out what I already had in my body before I could put more in. I think the entire time this quest lasted, I pissed roughly once every 15 minutes.
    At least I threw up on the sidewalk and not our dishes, RIGHT DARK DRAGOON?

    I actually left at least 10 messages on my sister's voicemail inquiring as to her mudkip preference.

    I didn't notice the hot sauce because I was simply too drunk to do so.

    To my knowledge, all other facts are completely accurate. I don't rightly recall the bartender hitting on me, sadly. Anonymous drunken birthday sex would have really topped off the day.

    Finally, DD really is and always will be my best mate.

    Malieger on
  • DarkDragoonDarkDragoon Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Malieger wrote: »
    In my defense, I was drunk when I woke up that morning.
    This was mentioned.
    I don't remember the bartender hitting on me. This upsets me.
    She was kind of subtle about it at first and then pretty open about it before she gave up. Your loss.
    At least I puked on the sidewalk instead of on our dishes, RIGHT DD?
    At least I didn't vomit on the dishes in public and then had other people clean it up.

    Also, now that you're here, I don't have to be the one to enlighten everybody on the strange and embarrassing things that go on at your work.

    DarkDragoon on
    Who was arguing for the sea, and talking about the beach?
    The beach kills sea creatures. It's why we go there. To get naked and watch our enemies die.
  • MaliegerMalieger Registered User
    edited September 2009
    Also, now that you're here, I don't have to be the one to enlighten everybody on the strange and embarrassing things that go on at your work.

    Here's one: I'm a Corrections Officer. On multiple occasions I have been told that if I ever transferred to a female correctional facility, the inmates would tie me up, lock me in a closet, and rape me until my dick stops working. I've been told this by co-workers and inmates alike.

    Malieger on
  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Malieger wrote: »
    In my defense, I was drunk when I woke up that morning.
    This was mentioned.
    I don't remember the bartender hitting on me. This upsets me.
    She was kind of subtle about it at first and then pretty open about it before she gave up. Your loss.
    At least I puked on the sidewalk instead of on our dishes, RIGHT DD?
    At least I didn't vomit on the dishes in public and then had other people clean it up.

    Also, now that you're here, I don't have to be the one to enlighten everybody on the strange and embarrassing things that go on at your work.

    Damn, she was hitting on the drunkard hard and he didn't even notice. What a waste. He must be really cute or something.

    edit: I should read things before I post.

    cooljammer00 on
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  • CristoCristo Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    For the record, I wasn't exactly helping the case. During an improv show I was playing a game with two others where on the bell ding we would switch characters. It was a Peter Pan scene and guess who started with Tinker Bell? This guy (who used to have long hair to his shoulders).
    How do you make it look like Tinker Bell is flying? By putting on your t-rex arms and flapping your hands like little fairy wings.
    What does Tinker Bell say?
    "Twinkle twinkle" friends, "twinkle twinkle".

    I also recall the girl I dated seriously my senior year being asked on more than one occasion, "wait, isn't he gay?" when she mentioned who she was dating.

    Oh, and my dad has called me his special little snowflake. That was in college.

    My headmaster used to call me his Danish Pastry o_O

    I swear our relationship was platonic (well, most of it... ;) )

    Also, I was just at a party at freshers week at my Uni, and one of my flatmates was at the bar where he was hit on by a gay guy. And then subsequently another, a little later on.

    Oh yes, the fact that his sexuality was called into question twice shall be remembered for long to come.

    Cristo on
    Unlucky wrote: »
    So, after having read all of his stuff, Pony's officially my hero now. I wish I could be that callous towards humanity.
  • DeciusDecius Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Malieger wrote: »
    Here's one: I'm a Corrections Officer. On multiple occasions I have been told that if I ever transferred to a female correctional facility, the inmates would tie me up, lock me in a closet, and rape me until my dick stops working. I've been told this by co-workers and inmates alike.

    DEATH BY SNOO SNOO!

    Edit: Worst TOTP ever. I'll just go now...

    Decius on
    camo_sig2.png
    I never finish anyth
  • MaliegerMalieger Registered User
    edited September 2009
    Decius wrote: »
    Malieger wrote: »
    Here's one: I'm a Corrections Officer. On multiple occasions I have been told that if I ever transferred to a female correctional facility, the inmates would tie me up, lock me in a closet, and rape me until my dick stops working. I've been told this by co-workers and inmates alike.

    DEATH BY SNOO SNOO!

    Edit: Worst TOTP ever. I'll just go now...

    It would be funnier if this exact same situation hadn't happened. The guy survived but he was raped for 9 days or something.

    Malieger on
  • KhavallKhavall British ColumbiaRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Malieger wrote: »
    Decius wrote: »
    Malieger wrote: »
    Here's one: I'm a Corrections Officer. On multiple occasions I have been told that if I ever transferred to a female correctional facility, the inmates would tie me up, lock me in a closet, and rape me until my dick stops working. I've been told this by co-workers and inmates alike.

    DEATH BY SNOO SNOO!

    Edit: Worst TOTP ever. I'll just go now...

    It would be funnier if this exact same situation hadn't happened. The guy survived but he was raped for 9 days or something.

    deathbysnoosnooface.gif

    Khavall on
  • PonyPony Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    you know what's kind of surprising?

    being raped by a woman is not at all sexy or pleasant!

    by golly was i shocked

    Pony on
  • cooljammer00cooljammer00 Hey Small Christmas-Man!Registered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Not unless she's hot, am I right?

    cooljammer00 on
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  • KhavallKhavall British ColumbiaRegistered User regular
    edited September 2009
    Pony wrote: »
    you know what's kind of surprising?

    being raped by a woman is not at all sexy or pleasant!

    by golly was i shocked

    maybe if you're gay

    Khavall on
This discussion has been closed.