Is your GF on any sort of psychological medication like anti-depressants? Reading your posts it sounds like she's never been aroused, but she may have been on meds for a while. The reason I say this is because some of the drugs can put a serious dampener on sexual libido.
Is your GF on any sort of psychological medication like anti-depressants? Reading your posts it sounds like she's never been aroused, but she may have been on meds for a while. The reason I say this is because some of the drugs can put a serious dampener on sexual libido.
Pretty sure she's only on allergy meds. Zyrtec I think.
If this girl has never been in a relationship before some of it could be an experience issue. Some people can be incredibly late bloomers when it comes to forming adult relationships of the intimate type.
Your girlfriend is still in college, I would assume that means she has access to some sort of counseling on campus. It is ultimately her decision but you might encourage her to seek out some help from the Psychologist or Social Worker or whomever it is that is hopefully licensed and in charge of student mental health at the University/College she attends.
An entirely platonic relationship is possible, a number of elderly people can find themselves in situations like this where it's just a matter of companionship and looking out for one another in old age. That being said I think research continues to show that seniors are typically more sexually active than couples in their 30's and 40's.
The trick is that you're nowhere near the age of a senior citizen and while some clergy take a vow of celibacy (and we have to assume that at least some manage to keep it) it is by no means "the norm." Humans are really very sexual creatures, after all this is how we continue as a species, it's sort of hardwired into our genes to be sexual. This isn't to say it's inevitable that you'd some how mis-step while trying to maintain a relationship with an asexual partner, it's just going to be rather difficult. You're in your early 20's and so is your partner and like Chris Rock once said "Life is long." You may be cool with things now but as more of your friends get married, have kids etc. you may find your lack of a sexual relationship with your own significant other becomes more of a sore point. Resentment is a tricky thing, it builds up nice and slow, sometimes by the point at which you can take it no longer, you'll find you wasted a lot of precious time.
Think long and hard on this relationship. Talk with your girlfriend and if possible maybe get some counseling as a couple if she's amenable to it. She might want to get a physical and see if she does happen to have hormonal issues that might explain her apparent asexuality.
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Maybe someday, they'll see a hero's just a man. Who knows he's free.
Resentment is a tricky thing, it builds up nice and slow, sometimes by the point at which you can take it no longer, you'll find you wasted a lot of precious time.
Think long and hard on this relationship. Talk with your girlfriend and if possible maybe get some counseling as a couple if she's amenable to it. She might want to get a physical and see if she does happen to have hormonal issues that might explain her apparent asexuality.
This person is wise, and most likely handsome as well, like Bruce Campbell. My earlier comment was born from experiencing this, he just said it better. My earlier comment was not on the mark now that you have clarified the situation. I know that having a "state of the union" type talk on one of your fun days may seem like a waste of time, but if it leads too 100's more of the good days, it's worth it.
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I'm going to kind of disagree with people here, please do not go up to her and suggest she get hormone levels checked or go see a shrink or something. If she wants to try and do something about her libido/asexuality, then be encouraging and helpful, but it is not your place to try and 'fix her' and suggesting things can end up being incredibly insulting.
There are several reasons for physical reluctance, and if you really dont know the cause, trying to give suggestions on how to increase her libido is just... well examples:
Would you want to go up to a girl who was sexually assaulted and tell her that maybe she doesnt like sex because shes got messed up hormones? I have had something very similar to this happen to me, and I really wanted to punch the person who was just chalking it up to hormones. It was infuriating.
Or possibly you end up in a situation where she is actually asexual, and you suggest counseling, which is basically the equivalent of saying to someone who is gay "maybe you should see a shrink so you can learn to like girls"
Or maybe shes just really shy and self conscious and suggesting anything as such is just going to make her feel like she is broken, which could just make her more self conscious.
So, my suggestion, is to talk things out with her. Listen to her without judging. Be upfront with her about how you feel about sex and intimacy in relationships. Make it known that you do not expect her to do things she is uncomfortable with just because of you. Just remember, it may not be something she can/will get over, and its not your place to try unless she asks you to help. The conversation wont be easy, but it is a good thing to get out in the open.
(For what its worth, I am someone who is sort of broken sexually, and in the process of trying to figure out how to be intimate in a healthy way. It is a very tough thing. For me, I have a libido and get horny, but the act of sex itself is VERY uncomfortable for me. I do however, crave and love non sexual physical intimacy. Just to provide an example of how stuff may manifest)
Yeah, not going to ask her to seek guidance/doctor's advice. As of yet there's not much indication she's bothered, beyond her going ahead and kissing me despite disliking it.
Are you people fucking crazy? Unless you're trying to get out of a relationship, never tell a woman she's broken and needs counseling.
My god people.
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KakodaimonosCode fondlerHelping the 1% get richerRegistered Userregular
edited September 2009
Have you talked to her about why she doesn't like the physical contact much?
Based on my personal experience, I'm getting the impression that there may be some underlying issues that are leading to this aversion. But you're really going to have to talk to her to find that out.
The thing about never being aroused makes me think she may actually be asexual, either through hormone imbalance or just biological nature. I mean, the idea of not being turned on by anything ever sounds like more than simply physical reluctance. Though you should ask her about it yourself instead of getting it second hand from her friends, since she may tell you something more.
It sounds like you have the makings of an excellent friendship.
But that's all. Someone that doesn't enjoy kissing? Has never had a sexual impulse?
Unless you want to live your life as a monk or eunuch I suggest you address the real problem, and that problem isn't her. This is who she is. Your problem is that you have sexual feelings for someone incapable of returning said feelings.
Do you really want to live with that your whole life? Feeling guilty for kissing?
I'm going to kind of disagree with people here, please do not go up to her and suggest she get hormone levels checked or go see a shrink or something. If she wants to try and do something about her libido/asexuality, then be encouraging and helpful, but it is not your place to try and 'fix her' and suggesting things can end up being incredibly insulting.
There are several reasons for physical reluctance, and if you really dont know the cause, trying to give suggestions on how to increase her libido is just... well examples:
Would you want to go up to a girl who was sexually assaulted and tell her that maybe she doesnt like sex because shes got messed up hormones? I have had something very similar to this happen to me, and I really wanted to punch the person who was just chalking it up to hormones. It was infuriating.
Or possibly you end up in a situation where she is actually asexual, and you suggest counseling, which is basically the equivalent of saying to someone who is gay "maybe you should see a shrink so you can learn to like girls"
Or maybe shes just really shy and self conscious and suggesting anything as such is just going to make her feel like she is broken, which could just make her more self conscious.
So, my suggestion, is to talk things out with her. Listen to her without judging. Be upfront with her about how you feel about sex and intimacy in relationships. Make it known that you do not expect her to do things she is uncomfortable with just because of you. Just remember, it may not be something she can/will get over, and its not your place to try unless she asks you to help. The conversation wont be easy, but it is a good thing to get out in the open.
(For what its worth, I am someone who is sort of broken sexually, and in the process of trying to figure out how to be intimate in a healthy way. It is a very tough thing. For me, I have a libido and get horny, but the act of sex itself is VERY uncomfortable for me. I do however, crave and love non sexual physical intimacy. Just to provide an example of how stuff may manifest)
well, as you said, they need to talk. Mysteriously being missing a major part of human behavior is something that might have a medical cause. Of course it requires a tactful approach. It's fair to mention that in the course of standing by her without question, he has the right to know it's not something he's doing (or even that it is) before he develops an issue of his own.
Also, if someone has an issue with relationships and isn't ready for intimacy, is it fair for them to enter a relationship?
as much as this goes against the grain of taking relationships slow, you're going to have to ask explicitly if she feels she wants to have normal physical relations eventually and is working up to it, or if she doesn't ever see it happening.
everything you have said sounds all too familiar to what I experienced. aversion to kissing but enjoying cuddling was a red flag.
if you value the companionship, don't let yourself become romantically attached. love her, but do it as a friend.
don't build up an expectation or some sort of selfless ideal that you don't need sex (right now), as that will only lead to bitterness and regret later on.
Also, if someone has an issue with relationships and isn't ready for intimacy, is it fair for them to enter a relationship?
She was up-front about it. Like, literally, one of the first things after I asked her out. Her friends said similar things now and again. Nothing could be more fair in a relationship than being honest and forthright.
everything you have said sounds all too familiar to what I experienced. aversion to kissing but enjoying cuddling was a red flag.
...
don't build up an expectation or some sort of selfless ideal that you don't need sex (right now), as that will only lead to bitterness and regret later on.
What did you experience? That is what I am looking for in this thread. I want to contextualize my experience. This is new ground for me--I am usually less sexually-motivated than my partner. By an order of magnitude. At least.
Also I do not have that expectation. Like I said earlier, I know that I need sex, and physical comfort in general. I'm just that sort of guy.
sorry, didn't mean to be short. my thread was linked in the first reply, i assumed you saw it.
i basically went through everything you have described: fell in love with a girl without a libido. we ended it.
to answer your questions, based on my experience:
"-Does asexuality include aversion to physical contact/expression in general?"
in the case of my ex it did, but only contact of a sexual nature. kissing happened but did nothing for her (not even open mouth kissing which was completely out of the question, just lip contact) and touching was entirely without sexual motivation, and more out of curiosity for her
cuddling for her was more like one would treat a massage; physical touch meant to relax, not excite
she wasn't shy about giving a hug, or holding hands, or a quick peck on the lips
"-How does an asexual relationship develop over time--for example, what landmarks are there?"
i'm not sure what you mean by this. we had our first kiss, first i love yous, gift giving, everything that goes with relationships. just without the sex or physical intimacy
"-Non-asexuals with asexual SOs: was/is it hard?"
always. it was difficult too.
joking aside, it was heartbreaking. we talked a lot, so i never once felt like what i felt for her was wrong, but i felt there was an insurmountable barrier between us that neither of us could do anything about, and it hurt.
Oh. I looked at the first bits of your thread and figured it wasn't really the same since your girl was more physically open. I haven't really brought up sex with my girlfriend yet. I just long to be touched.
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Pretty sure she's only on allergy meds. Zyrtec I think.
Your girlfriend is still in college, I would assume that means she has access to some sort of counseling on campus. It is ultimately her decision but you might encourage her to seek out some help from the Psychologist or Social Worker or whomever it is that is hopefully licensed and in charge of student mental health at the University/College she attends.
An entirely platonic relationship is possible, a number of elderly people can find themselves in situations like this where it's just a matter of companionship and looking out for one another in old age. That being said I think research continues to show that seniors are typically more sexually active than couples in their 30's and 40's.
The trick is that you're nowhere near the age of a senior citizen and while some clergy take a vow of celibacy (and we have to assume that at least some manage to keep it) it is by no means "the norm." Humans are really very sexual creatures, after all this is how we continue as a species, it's sort of hardwired into our genes to be sexual. This isn't to say it's inevitable that you'd some how mis-step while trying to maintain a relationship with an asexual partner, it's just going to be rather difficult. You're in your early 20's and so is your partner and like Chris Rock once said "Life is long." You may be cool with things now but as more of your friends get married, have kids etc. you may find your lack of a sexual relationship with your own significant other becomes more of a sore point. Resentment is a tricky thing, it builds up nice and slow, sometimes by the point at which you can take it no longer, you'll find you wasted a lot of precious time.
Think long and hard on this relationship. Talk with your girlfriend and if possible maybe get some counseling as a couple if she's amenable to it. She might want to get a physical and see if she does happen to have hormonal issues that might explain her apparent asexuality.
This person is wise, and most likely handsome as well, like Bruce Campbell. My earlier comment was born from experiencing this, he just said it better. My earlier comment was not on the mark now that you have clarified the situation. I know that having a "state of the union" type talk on one of your fun days may seem like a waste of time, but if it leads too 100's more of the good days, it's worth it.
PSN Hypacia
Xbox HypaciaMinnow
Discord Hypacia#0391
There are several reasons for physical reluctance, and if you really dont know the cause, trying to give suggestions on how to increase her libido is just... well examples:
Would you want to go up to a girl who was sexually assaulted and tell her that maybe she doesnt like sex because shes got messed up hormones? I have had something very similar to this happen to me, and I really wanted to punch the person who was just chalking it up to hormones. It was infuriating.
Or possibly you end up in a situation where she is actually asexual, and you suggest counseling, which is basically the equivalent of saying to someone who is gay "maybe you should see a shrink so you can learn to like girls"
Or maybe shes just really shy and self conscious and suggesting anything as such is just going to make her feel like she is broken, which could just make her more self conscious.
So, my suggestion, is to talk things out with her. Listen to her without judging. Be upfront with her about how you feel about sex and intimacy in relationships. Make it known that you do not expect her to do things she is uncomfortable with just because of you. Just remember, it may not be something she can/will get over, and its not your place to try unless she asks you to help. The conversation wont be easy, but it is a good thing to get out in the open.
(For what its worth, I am someone who is sort of broken sexually, and in the process of trying to figure out how to be intimate in a healthy way. It is a very tough thing. For me, I have a libido and get horny, but the act of sex itself is VERY uncomfortable for me. I do however, crave and love non sexual physical intimacy. Just to provide an example of how stuff may manifest)
My god people.
Based on my personal experience, I'm getting the impression that there may be some underlying issues that are leading to this aversion. But you're really going to have to talk to her to find that out.
But that's all. Someone that doesn't enjoy kissing? Has never had a sexual impulse?
Unless you want to live your life as a monk or eunuch I suggest you address the real problem, and that problem isn't her. This is who she is. Your problem is that you have sexual feelings for someone incapable of returning said feelings.
Do you really want to live with that your whole life? Feeling guilty for kissing?
well, as you said, they need to talk. Mysteriously being missing a major part of human behavior is something that might have a medical cause. Of course it requires a tactful approach. It's fair to mention that in the course of standing by her without question, he has the right to know it's not something he's doing (or even that it is) before he develops an issue of his own.
Also, if someone has an issue with relationships and isn't ready for intimacy, is it fair for them to enter a relationship?
I host a podcast about movies.
everything you have said sounds all too familiar to what I experienced. aversion to kissing but enjoying cuddling was a red flag.
if you value the companionship, don't let yourself become romantically attached. love her, but do it as a friend.
don't build up an expectation or some sort of selfless ideal that you don't need sex (right now), as that will only lead to bitterness and regret later on.
She was up-front about it. Like, literally, one of the first things after I asked her out. Her friends said similar things now and again. Nothing could be more fair in a relationship than being honest and forthright.
What did you experience? That is what I am looking for in this thread. I want to contextualize my experience. This is new ground for me--I am usually less sexually-motivated than my partner. By an order of magnitude. At least.
Also I do not have that expectation. Like I said earlier, I know that I need sex, and physical comfort in general. I'm just that sort of guy.
i basically went through everything you have described: fell in love with a girl without a libido. we ended it.
to answer your questions, based on my experience:
in the case of my ex it did, but only contact of a sexual nature. kissing happened but did nothing for her (not even open mouth kissing which was completely out of the question, just lip contact) and touching was entirely without sexual motivation, and more out of curiosity for her
cuddling for her was more like one would treat a massage; physical touch meant to relax, not excite
she wasn't shy about giving a hug, or holding hands, or a quick peck on the lips
i'm not sure what you mean by this. we had our first kiss, first i love yous, gift giving, everything that goes with relationships. just without the sex or physical intimacy
always. it was difficult too.
joking aside, it was heartbreaking. we talked a lot, so i never once felt like what i felt for her was wrong, but i felt there was an insurmountable barrier between us that neither of us could do anything about, and it hurt.
you said a close friend told you she's never been aroused? maybe she's just uncomfortable telling the friend intimate details of her sex drive?
unless she says it herself, i wouldn't assume asexual. but be aware of the possibility, and what you might be getting into