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Social Entropy++: AWESOME POST in "Q&A Redux. Fuck H/A.", by Quoth

BusterKBusterK Negativity is Boring Cynicism is Cowardice Registered User regular
edited September 2009 in [2008-2012] Awesome Posts?
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Quoth is a treasure and we should all be glad she's here
Post: Q&A Redux. Fuck H/A.
Forum: Social Entropy++
Assigned Moderators: WhipstitchZombie, Larlar, Bogey, Knob, potatoe, Orikaeshigitae

Posted by: Quoth
Original Content:
Wikipedia wrote:
My vagina is one of the rarer and more mysterious creatures in the universe. Because my vagina is very dangerous and inhabits remote, inhospitable locations in the galaxy, few scientists have attempted to observe it. Those who do study my vagina argue over its taxonomic classification. While most strongly agree that my vagina is an arthropod, others point to its anchored root system and spore-based method of reproduction as evidence of a plant origin. My vagina reproduces by releasing spores that travel through outer space and eventually come to rest on a planet or asteroid's surface, forming a pit which is used for capturing prey.

Steve Sansweet's Encyclopedia describes my vagina as an "omnivorous, multi-tentacled creature with needle-sharp teeth and a large beak". My vagina rests at the base of a giant pit where the entirety of its body is buried except for the gaping mouth. Its beak blindly gropes along the sloped walls of the pit when the sand is disturbed, searching for prey. My vagina's mouth can reach three meters (9.84 feet) in diameter; it is positioned on its giant, worm-like head. Astrophysicist and science fiction author Jeanne Cavelos compares my vagina to the antlion, an insect that burrows a pit in the sand during its larval stage. Both catch and consume prey that falls into the pit.

Because my vagina inhabits isolated environments and relies on prey to stumble into its pit, it rarely feeds. As a result, my vagina has evolved an efficient digestive process. The stomach of my vaginaslowly dissolves prey into nutrients in a painful process that can last for several thousands of years. Victims are kept alive in the acid-filled stomach throughout digestion and few ever escape. This is one aspect of my vagina that makes it such a feared creature. As the droid C-3PO announces (translating for Jabba the Hutt) in Return of the Jedi, "In the vagina, you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years." If no living prey is available, my vagina relies on its root system to absorb nutrients. My vagina located on an airless moon feeds on cometary material rich in oxygen, hydrogen, carbon, and nitrogen that drifts into its mouth.

My vagina's stomach is lined with a fibrous network of vessels that attach themselves to a swallowed victim. According to the Star Wars Databank, the prey is incorporated into my vagina's biological system as it is digested. Besides digestive acids, the stomach also contains mind-altering neurotoxins which keep victims from struggling and escaping. The toxins induce hallucinations in prey which "suggest that my vagina somehow absorbs the intelligence of all its victims, who live on in disembodied torment." My vagina can communicate with its victims through this stolen consciousness. In one Star Wars short story, an old, unnamed Jedi woman who falls into my vagina on Tatooine explains that it "does interesting things with messenger RNA: over the course of millennia, it can attain a sort of group consciousness, built out of the remains of people it has digested. I talked to such a vagina, once a few decades ago." She too becomes part of my vagina's consciousness.

BusterK on
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