as a full-fledged female of the species I can assure you that misogynistic jokes are pretty fucking hilarious
I agree but I wanted a bit more variety
I'm auditioning for a comedy show soon, they ask for every auditionee to prepare a joke but I'm pretty sure they know all mine
I might whip out Will Smith or brown and rhymes with Snoop though
will smith?
also i love the brown and rhymes with snoop joke
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Donkey KongPutting Nintendo out of business with AI nipsRegistered Userregular
edited November 2009
My friend is an independent film maker. For his first major film, he wanted to make a movie version of The Red Tent. On a reasonable budget, he managed to secure the rights, pull together talented actresses, hire great costume people and create an authentic historical feel.
I saw it recently and it was pretty good. The project was ambitious and he pulled it off. I still can't believe his first film was a period piece.
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Thousands of hot, local singles are waiting to play at bubbulon.com.
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The GeekOh-Two Crew, OmeganautRegistered User, ClubPAregular
There's this Dungeons and Dragons party. They're all at differing levels of experience, with the guy playing a rogue being the most and the GM being the least. Despite this disparity, they're all really eager and ready to play. The GM is a really big roleplayer. He puts a good amount of combat in there, but he's big on roleplaying characters. So he maps out this really huge temple filled with invading goblins.
The D&D party valiantly works their way through the goblins. The paladin, being the tank, takes many a wound only to be healed by a dutiful cleric. The ranger stands in the back and shoots away while the rogue gets up close and personal. After fighting through waves and waves of goblins, they reach a large room. It's apparent that this is the final boss. A fearsome ogre crashes through the wall and roars, spittle flashing from its large teeth! The party is unafraid. They work together to down the ogre. To their surprise, there's no loot. No chests of glittering gold, no riches, nothing. After asking a few questions, they find a fountain in the back of the room.
The paladin is the first to remember the GM's fondness of roleplay. What he does is he kneels in the fountain and prays to Bahamut, his God. He's gifted with a d4 increase to any stat of his choosing. He's pretty pumped, that's a huge upgrade! The cleric does something similar and recieves an amazing robe. The ranger recieves a stat increase. Finally, the rogue kneels in the fountain. He doesn't have a God, so he just wishes for abundant wealth. Groping at the bottom of the pool, he finds titanium bars!
Now the rogue, he's a little sneaky, so instead of splitting the wealth with the party he rolls a check to try to pocket some of the bars. He succeeds with three of them, so two of them go to be sold for the party's overall wealth. He's pretty pleased. Three bars will sell for a lot of gold. He has a jaunty little step as his party leaves the temple. The GM decrees that they will go to the largest trading post in the area to rest up and sell or buy after that harrowing temple.
The rogue though, he has plans. He sells his titanium bars and goes to the armor vendor. The GM is being very petty over the rogue pocketing the bars, to be honest, because he didn't see that coming. So he says "No, none of the shopkeepers will sell you armor right now." So the rogue tries to buy some enchants and magic stuff. "No, none of the shopkeepers will do that for you either." The rogue is annoyed, but he decides to make up a new plan of his own.
"Can I buy a dog?" he asks. The GM is taken aback. "A war dog," the rogue clarifies.
"No." The GM decrees.
"Okay, how about a cat?"
"...Sure." The GM decides to allow it. The rogue immediately buys a burlap sack and shoves the cat in it with a few mice and yells at the bag, hits it a little, gets the cat in a horrible temper. The GM is really confused. The rogue goes on to buy some tent poles, but tries to make them jointed. The GM draws the line there, saying the blacksmith is far too busy to joint some tent poles. The rogue takes it in stride and buys some salt and an old spellbook. The GM is getting kind of alarmed at this point, so he forces the party to move on.
The rogue is sitting there with a smug look on his face as they exit the city gates, and finally the GM has had enough. A huge dragon comes out of nowhere and kills the party one by one. He scoops the rogue up in one talon and roars "What was your plan, puny mortal?"
The rogue drops his bag of holding, burlap sack, and tent poles in alarm. "I'll never tell!" he yells. The dragon roasts the rogue alive, and his dying words are...
so there's these three construction workers having lunch on a high girder- a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
The brunette guy opens his box and says "Dammit, my wife packed me a ham sandwich again! If I get a ham sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this girder and kill myself."
The ginger opens his box and says "Shit, my wife packed me haggis again! If I get haggis again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this girder and kill myself."
The blonde opens his box and says "Fuck, I got corn beef again! If I she packs corn beef for me one more time, I'm going to jump off this girder and kill myself!"
The next day, the brunette gets a ham sandwich and jumps to his death. The ginger gets haggis and jumps to his death. The blonde gets corn beef and jumps to his death.
At the funeral, the wives of the men are all informed why the men killed themselves by a worker who overhead their conversation.
The brunette's and readhead's wife are both sobbing uncontrollably when they notice that the blonde's wife just looks bored.
They ask "Why aren't you crying? What you packed him for lunch caused him to commit suicide!"
She replies "What? That dumbass packed his own lunch!"
I used to know a lot of jokes but I don't really know any nowadays.
The only one I can tell at this moment is the one where you mimic biting at your inner wrists and ask what you are. The answer, "Jesus biting his nails."
My friend is an independent film maker. For his first major film, he wanted to make a movie version of The Red Tent. On a reasonable budget, he managed to secure the rights, pull together talented actresses, hire great costume people and create an authentic historical feel.
I saw it recently and it was pretty good. The project was ambitious and he pulled it off. I still can't believe his first film was a period piece.
My friend is an independent film maker. For his first major film, he wanted to make a movie version of The Red Tent. On a reasonable budget, he managed to secure the rights, pull together talented actresses, hire great costume people and create an authentic historical feel.
I saw it recently and it was pretty good. The project was ambitious and he pulled it off. I still can't believe his first film was a period piece.
I'm still trying to figure out this post
Hahahahaha
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UnbrokenEvaHIGH ON THE WIREBUT I WON'T TRIP ITRegistered Userregular
My friend is an independent film maker. For his first major film, he wanted to make a movie version of The Red Tent. On a reasonable budget, he managed to secure the rights, pull together talented actresses, hire great costume people and create an authentic historical feel.
I saw it recently and it was pretty good. The project was ambitious and he pulled it off. I still can't believe his first film was a period piece.
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bam
a walking clock
man
Need some stuff designed or printed? I can help with that.
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3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
will smith?
also i love the brown and rhymes with snoop joke
I saw it recently and it was pretty good. The project was ambitious and he pulled it off. I still can't believe his first film was a period piece.
your mom
Inmate #2: I worked at a grocery store.
Inmate #1: Yeah, what are ya in for?
Inmate #2: Facing public property.
The D&D party valiantly works their way through the goblins. The paladin, being the tank, takes many a wound only to be healed by a dutiful cleric. The ranger stands in the back and shoots away while the rogue gets up close and personal. After fighting through waves and waves of goblins, they reach a large room. It's apparent that this is the final boss. A fearsome ogre crashes through the wall and roars, spittle flashing from its large teeth! The party is unafraid. They work together to down the ogre. To their surprise, there's no loot. No chests of glittering gold, no riches, nothing. After asking a few questions, they find a fountain in the back of the room.
The paladin is the first to remember the GM's fondness of roleplay. What he does is he kneels in the fountain and prays to Bahamut, his God. He's gifted with a d4 increase to any stat of his choosing. He's pretty pumped, that's a huge upgrade! The cleric does something similar and recieves an amazing robe. The ranger recieves a stat increase. Finally, the rogue kneels in the fountain. He doesn't have a God, so he just wishes for abundant wealth. Groping at the bottom of the pool, he finds titanium bars!
Now the rogue, he's a little sneaky, so instead of splitting the wealth with the party he rolls a check to try to pocket some of the bars. He succeeds with three of them, so two of them go to be sold for the party's overall wealth. He's pretty pleased. Three bars will sell for a lot of gold. He has a jaunty little step as his party leaves the temple. The GM decrees that they will go to the largest trading post in the area to rest up and sell or buy after that harrowing temple.
The rogue though, he has plans. He sells his titanium bars and goes to the armor vendor. The GM is being very petty over the rogue pocketing the bars, to be honest, because he didn't see that coming. So he says "No, none of the shopkeepers will sell you armor right now." So the rogue tries to buy some enchants and magic stuff. "No, none of the shopkeepers will do that for you either." The rogue is annoyed, but he decides to make up a new plan of his own.
"Can I buy a dog?" he asks. The GM is taken aback. "A war dog," the rogue clarifies.
"No." The GM decrees.
"Okay, how about a cat?"
"...Sure." The GM decides to allow it. The rogue immediately buys a burlap sack and shoves the cat in it with a few mice and yells at the bag, hits it a little, gets the cat in a horrible temper. The GM is really confused. The rogue goes on to buy some tent poles, but tries to make them jointed. The GM draws the line there, saying the blacksmith is far too busy to joint some tent poles. The rogue takes it in stride and buys some salt and an old spellbook. The GM is getting kind of alarmed at this point, so he forces the party to move on.
The rogue is sitting there with a smug look on his face as they exit the city gates, and finally the GM has had enough. A huge dragon comes out of nowhere and kills the party one by one. He scoops the rogue up in one talon and roars "What was your plan, puny mortal?"
The rogue drops his bag of holding, burlap sack, and tent poles in alarm. "I'll never tell!" he yells. The dragon roasts the rogue alive, and his dying words are...
how do you find Will Smith in the snow
also Cass I am gonna beat you up
heyo
I'm not sure if it's even possible to post something older
also has anyone posted the uh... hmm what do you call it without giving it away... snake joke?
this one
kpop appreciation station i also like to tweet some
Can I just say
this joke makes me drop my shit every time I hear it.
It's great.
The brunette guy opens his box and says "Dammit, my wife packed me a ham sandwich again! If I get a ham sandwich tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this girder and kill myself."
The ginger opens his box and says "Shit, my wife packed me haggis again! If I get haggis again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this girder and kill myself."
The blonde opens his box and says "Fuck, I got corn beef again! If I she packs corn beef for me one more time, I'm going to jump off this girder and kill myself!"
The next day, the brunette gets a ham sandwich and jumps to his death. The ginger gets haggis and jumps to his death. The blonde gets corn beef and jumps to his death.
At the funeral, the wives of the men are all informed why the men killed themselves by a worker who overhead their conversation.
The brunette's and readhead's wife are both sobbing uncontrollably when they notice that the blonde's wife just looks bored.
They ask "Why aren't you crying? What you packed him for lunch caused him to commit suicide!"
She replies "What? That dumbass packed his own lunch!"
wow, that's not as funny typed out
Answer: Pitchfork gave lighbulb screwing-in a bad review so they all sit in the dark
The only one I can tell at this moment is the one where you mimic biting at your inner wrists and ask what you are. The answer, "Jesus biting his nails."
What do you call the useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?
And some other terrible jokes:
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says,
What do you call a three-legged donkey?
I'd also tell the one about the penguin and the mechanic, but everyone's heard it already.
Answer: JIMMY BUFFET PRESENTS LAND SHARK ALE
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
why can't Snoop work with marble?
what does stevie wonder's wife do when they have a fight
how do you confuse stevie wonder
Tofu wrote: Here be Littleboots, destroyer of threads and master of drunkposting.
this is my second favourite joke I learned from se.
my favourite is the one about Steve Irwin
about how he died the way he had lived
with native fauna in his heart
Need some stuff designed or printed? I can help with that.
I'm still trying to figure out this post
funny jokes itt
No, a baby.
It walks on all fours, then you cut off it's legs and it hobbles around with it arms; Give it a crutch and it can move on three.
Hahahahaha
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Red_Tent