So James Bond is sitting in a restaurant fiddling with his watch. The waitress comes up, noticing his new watch. She asks him about it and he informs her that Q just gave it to him. All curious she asks him what it does. He nonchalantly tells her that it can read peoples minds.
She starts getting all skepetical at that point and asks James Bond to have the watch tell him something about her. He plays with it for a moment then laughs.
"Well, tells me that you are not wearing any panties." She blushes and shakes her head, then says "James Bond I think your watch is broken, because I am. James Bond smacks his watch and grumbles "Damn thing, always an hour fast."
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
The only joke I came up with (although it's simple so I am sure it has been around, just not introduced to me) is this one, I warn you though it is kinda corny.
Why did all the farmers salute the corn field?
It was full of colonels.
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
edited December 2009
I came up with that joke when I was trying to make my friend laugh and I couldn't think of any jokes at the time.
My thought process went somewhere along the lines of.
As it is nearing its destination, the plane begins to experience engine trouble.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, I regret to you inform that we just lost our right engine, but don't worry we'll still be able to get to the airport"
Several minutes later, the captain comes on again,
"I'm sorry to say folks, but we just lost both our engines, but do not panic, we should still have enough momentum to glide to the airport"
A minute or so later the captain makes another announcement
"We're too heavy, so we're going to try jettisoning the luggage. But please, I urge you not to panic"
Less than 30 seconds later the captain makes another report. "Sigh, unfortunately the luggage was not enough, we need three brave souls to sacrifice themselves to lighten the plane so the rest of us may live"
Immediately a giant, burly Frenchmen (if such a thing is possible) stands up and runs to the emergency exit and practically rips the door out of the frame. With a loud cry of "VIVE LA FRANCE" he jumps out.
Across the plane, a rather tweedy Englishman stands up and with quiet diginity approaches the door. Not to be outdone by the Frenchman, he gives a quick "God Save the Queen" and hops out.
The rest of the passengers anxiously look about for their final savior. But no one is volunteering. Finally a large gentleman in cowboy boots stands up in the back row. Spurs jingle as the Texan strides slowly to the door where he stares into the abyss without fear, spitting into the air for good measure. Taking a deep breath, he steps to the threshold and
Grabs a Mexican woman sitting in the exit row, tosses her out and bellows "REMEMBER THE ALAMOOOOOOOOO
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Blake TDo you have enemies then?Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.Registered Userregular
General NemoThe Mighty ShameChurch for DogsRegistered Userregular
edited December 2009
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender. On the bar next to him is a big glass jar filled with cash. He asks the bartender "What's tthat all about?"
The bartender responds "It's the prize for completing the bar's bet, and everyone who has ever tried has failed.
The guy smirks and asks what he has to do to get that money.
The bartender says "Well first, you have to slam 20 shots and go out back and pull a tooth from the meanest dog you've ever met. Then, you have to go upstairs and screw the owner's 90 year old mom who hasn't gotten laid in half a century."
"Easy enough." says the guy as he proceeds to order his 20 shots. He gets them down and hobbles drunkenly out the back door, pliers in hand. The bartender hears the worst snarling and yelping and hollering he has ever heard, and after a brief silence, the man stumbles back in the door and says,
"Now where is that old lady who needs her tooth pulled?"
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ege02's vagina
Sig: My Star Trek Online ship, the USS Onii Chan. Captained by Lieutenant 5th Class Loli of the Animu race.
why
I want a Starship too
Dear satan I wish for this or maybe some of this....oh and I'm a medium or a large.
Their uncles were all ants!
What do you do if you get eaten by an elephant?
Run around in circles until you are pooped out.
So James Bond is sitting in a restaurant fiddling with his watch. The waitress comes up, noticing his new watch. She asks him about it and he informs her that Q just gave it to him. All curious she asks him what it does. He nonchalantly tells her that it can read peoples minds.
She starts getting all skepetical at that point and asks James Bond to have the watch tell him something about her. He plays with it for a moment then laughs.
"Well, tells me that you are not wearing any panties." She blushes and shakes her head, then says "James Bond I think your watch is broken, because I am. James Bond smacks his watch and grumbles "Damn thing, always an hour fast."
I once made up a joke on the spot.
What did the prostitute say to the client?
Satans..... hints.....
kpop appreciation station i also like to tweet some
Why did all the farmers salute the corn field?
It was full of colonels.
My thought process went somewhere along the lines of.
What's funny? Hookers!
Why? Because they're dead!
Satans..... hints.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2IaFaJrmno
swoooon
Satans..... hints.....
That joke fell flat.
I would give her a hug certainly.
Satans..... hints.....
Viv is a poor girlfriend and housekeeper pass it on
I cleaned a huge heap of dishes yesterday
and I made cheesecake
And I made dinner.
Satans..... hints.....
I mean makeup.
As it is nearing its destination, the plane begins to experience engine trouble.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, I regret to you inform that we just lost our right engine, but don't worry we'll still be able to get to the airport"
Several minutes later, the captain comes on again,
"I'm sorry to say folks, but we just lost both our engines, but do not panic, we should still have enough momentum to glide to the airport"
A minute or so later the captain makes another announcement
"We're too heavy, so we're going to try jettisoning the luggage. But please, I urge you not to panic"
Less than 30 seconds later the captain makes another report. "Sigh, unfortunately the luggage was not enough, we need three brave souls to sacrifice themselves to lighten the plane so the rest of us may live"
Immediately a giant, burly Frenchmen (if such a thing is possible) stands up and runs to the emergency exit and practically rips the door out of the frame. With a loud cry of "VIVE LA FRANCE" he jumps out.
Across the plane, a rather tweedy Englishman stands up and with quiet diginity approaches the door. Not to be outdone by the Frenchman, he gives a quick "God Save the Queen" and hops out.
The rest of the passengers anxiously look about for their final savior. But no one is volunteering. Finally a large gentleman in cowboy boots stands up in the back row. Spurs jingle as the Texan strides slowly to the door where he stares into the abyss without fear, spitting into the air for good measure. Taking a deep breath, he steps to the threshold and
Satans..... hints.....
how good was it?
Good thing my dog's name is not spot.
I hate being married to a witch.
Yesterday I asked her to make me a sandwich.
Bitch turned me into a frog instead.
What do you call a table with only two legs?
A broken table.
I did, about 3 joke threads ago
QUIT RIPPING ME OFF AND DOING IT WORSE, ASSHOLE.
The bartender responds "It's the prize for completing the bar's bet, and everyone who has ever tried has failed.
The guy smirks and asks what he has to do to get that money.
The bartender says "Well first, you have to slam 20 shots and go out back and pull a tooth from the meanest dog you've ever met. Then, you have to go upstairs and screw the owner's 90 year old mom who hasn't gotten laid in half a century."
"Easy enough." says the guy as he proceeds to order his 20 shots. He gets them down and hobbles drunkenly out the back door, pliers in hand. The bartender hears the worst snarling and yelping and hollering he has ever heard, and after a brief silence, the man stumbles back in the door and says,
"Now where is that old lady who needs her tooth pulled?"