Hey, H/A, I've got something picking at the back of my brain that seems to stick with me no matter what direction I move, maybe someone here will be able to help or just point me in the right direction.
Short background info: I've been dealing with depression for the past two years, I've sought help at my university's counseling center and continue to do so, and I've been using prescribed medication to stave off the worst of it.
The main issue to me is that I just don't feel connected with people, at all. It sounds weird to me now that I'm putting it down into text, but I feel like I'm trapped in a bubble. A bubble that lets me go about my normal activities, but won't let me actually connect with people. I'm involved in social things, in a way; I practice martial arts 2x a week, there is a club that meets on campus occasionally, and I usually spend time with friends when they make themselves available to me.
Though, at times I feel that I'm surrounded by false-friends and the like. (Which isn't true, I know this.)
Anyway, on the social front I feel stunted. Deformed even. (which I find strange, as there have been times when I've hit a level of "social zen" that made things feel so very easy and right; comfortable.) There are times when I wonder what exactly I have wrong with me that keeps me from being comfortable in situations that for all intensive purposes should be comfortable. (Hanging out with friends and watching anime, yet, why am I nervous?)
Approaching new people to make friends or acquaintances with is difficult, and most of the time has happened by pure chance. Even in locations/events that are made for this I feel that there is this phalanx of sorts in place to keep me out. I feel like I'm intruding.
Needless to say, this whole thing has made finding a lady-friend damn near impossible. I'm 25 and am a relationship virgin in every sense, a fact that annoys me (What exactly, is so damn unappealing about me) and fills with me with dread. Every year that passes makes it seem more and more unlikely that such a thing will ever happen. I've tried the online thing, which has had some... events, though nothing that's actually precipitated into a relationship. I joke sometimes that if I haven't made progress in that direction by the time I hit 30, I'm checking out permanently.
So, my question really, is how do I cultivate that sense of comfortableness that I've occasionally experienced? How do I get rid of the 'bubble', how do I break the Phalanx?
TL;DR. I'm a grotesque frankenstein, people are pretty and I want to deal with them without them freaking out and running me off with fire, how do I do that?