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Strange and Embarrassing Moments: Italy: Land of Homoerotic Escapades

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Posts

  • AlyceInWonderlandAlyceInWonderland Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    awww maaaaaaan

    AlyceInWonderland on
  • EnderEnder Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Bwahaha!

    Ender on
    eahenryii wrote: »

    i've resorted to reading your posts in William Shatner's voice.

    I am now using the Christopher Walken voice.
  • TheMarshalTheMarshal Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Arch wrote: »
    This just happened-
    Holiday Christmas party was in full swing and going great. Everyone is munching down on food and cakes and some wine, and then it hits. MAN I gotta GO!. I keep my composure and tell some lab mates I will be right back, and head off to the restroom rather quickly. I slam open the door (a bit hard; partially on accident, partially because I had to go and am greeted with an...interesting sight. There are three urinals and two stalls, arranged so that you head right from the door, hit the urinals and then can walk straight into one of the stalls. The stall on the right is broken. Fuck. But, the stall on the left is occupied by a guy standing up, peeing, with his pants down to his ankles and the door wide open. His underpants were still up, which was confusing, but I literally just ground to a halt and stared in utter confusion. The urinals were free, so why the hell did he choose the toilet? Moreover, why did he pull his pants down all the way for this? Are scrubs really that hard to pee with? WHY IS THE DOOR OPEN? I had to stand there awkwardly while he finished, pulled his pants up, and then washed his hands and left.

    Also- I miss Bucca di Beppo! Good food, but the place is both a bit offensive and a bit creepy.

    Man, there are people using the stalls to pee ALL THE TIME at my office, even when the urinals are free.

    PEE IN PUBLIC LIKE A MAN!!

    TheMarshal on
  • JJJJ DailyStormer Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Urinals are awesome. I wish urinals came standard with houses.

    JJ on
    Christ, what an asshole
  • MetroidZoidMetroidZoid Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    So do extremely bizarre dreams count as proper thread fodder?

    The worst part is it was one of those 'so real I swear to God it happened' nightmares. As much as I can remember, it starts early one morning at work where me and another co-worker (who IRL is a friend and also dating one of the warehouse guys who is also a friend) are basically going to town doggystyle out in the nursery. Like, right at the counter. Which is fucked up because (A) I don't think of her that way, never have and (B) ... it just is. So fast forward, and the boss brings me into his office where THEY'RE PLAYING OUT LITTLE 'ACT' ON THE MONITOR ... FUCK WE FUCKED IN FRONT OF THE FUCKING CAMERA. Etc etc. It quickly boils down to me signing some form, then seeing the pink slip (that was quite literally, a half-paper with the words "Pink Slip" and my name under that) underneath, then I start balling because shit everyone will know, and I'm fired, and how do I explain this to my fiance, etc etc. Like, this is terrifying levels of "OhGodOhGod". And when I leave the office and start my slow walk of shame out the building, there she is, crying, but somehow I know that she's not fired, and there's her boyfriend glaring at me, then it's another flood of "OhGodNotMe" feelings. Even in the dream, I haven't felt like that since me and my then girlfriend got into a huge yelling match in real life. And then I woke up.

    I still can't get over how fucked up it is, or why. I mean, you know how you can kinda piece together pieces of a dream and how they relate to something that happened recently to you, or something you heard, or saw? I guess maybe I put together sitting with them last night at our company party, and then the 'co-worker porn story', and getting fired? I dunno. But goddamn I don't want to repeat that nightmare.

    MetroidZoid on
    9UsHUfk.jpgSteam
    3DS FC: 4699-5714-8940 Playing Pokemon, add me! Ho, SATAN!
  • BursarBursar Hee Noooo! Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Ender wrote: »
    Bwahaha!

    Glad I could contribute! Ahaha!

    Bursar on
    GNU Terry Pratchett
    3DS FC: 0810-0331-1324 | PSN: Wstfgl | GamerTag: An Evil Plan | Battle.net: FallenIdle#1970
  • RentRent I'm always right Fuckin' deal with itRegistered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Bursar wrote: »
    Ender wrote: »
    Bwahaha!

    Glad I could contribute! Ahaha!

    She's in trouble now!

    Rent on
  • TalkaTalka Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I'm pretty embarrassed right now, actually.
    So I'm back at my parents' home for the holidays. And since my ex is back in town we thought we'd catch up, have dinner, and fill each other in on our life stories since we ended our thing together. Dinner is great, and we end up catching the midnight screening of Avatar.

    I think the movie was good, but I'm not sure because it turned into one of those three hour make-out/cuddle/grope experiences from way back in the day. The movie ends and we realize we're going to need to find somewhere where we can get naked together.

    We drive to her (empty) house, but for some reason her key isn't working. There's no way in. I really didn't want to suggest it, but as our shelter needs become more dire I realize the only available option is my parents' house.

    Sneaking in is easy enough, and so we spend the night together in my old room. We sleep in until around noon, the period of the day where my parents seemingly start inexplicably pacing around the house from exit to exit without rest until the sun sets.

    Now, at this point I could have just strolled out the front door with my ex and endured the awkward indignity of revealing to my old and conservative parents that I not only brought a girl home for the night, but that I managed to bring home the very specific girl who happened to have broken my heart two years ago, the girl my parents have often let me know is a dirty whore for having left me.

    That would have been pretty awkward, but I would have survived it and moved on. Instead I decide I'm going to try to avoid the embarrassment and sneak her out.

    The interesting thing about sneaking a girl out of your parents' house is that the more measures you take to ensure you leave undetected--that is, the more risks you run to protect the success of your mission--the more compromising your detection becomes when your mission inevitably ends in failure. For instance, tiptoeing out through the garage exit in socks can make less noise than strolling around in boots. Hiding a girl in the shoes closet halfway through the escape can get you out of a quick bind when a parent is heard approaching. And dropping some silverware in the kitchen can create a distraction that will remove a parent from a closet's escape route.

    However, when a previously unnoticed parent opens the shoes closet and finds his son's ex-girlfriend standing in the dark holding a bag of luggage but wearing only socks, it becomes amazingly difficult to think up plausible reasons as to what you were doing in the meantime dropping forks and spoons in the kitchen.

    So, that was pretty embarrassing. On the other hand, I got to play out an entertaining (and failed) mission of Metal Gear Solid with an old ex I used to dig, and we agreed we needed to create more adventures together the next time we're in the same town.
    Sure, it got pretty embarrassing. But I'm laughing inside when I think about how ridiculous the situation became.

    tl;dr:
    Brought an ex-girlfriend back to my parents' house for the night, tried to sneak her out the next day, but my dad caught her hiding in the dark in a closet halfway through the escape.

    Talka on
  • chamberlainchamberlain Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    !
    why can't I have a post with just one character?

    chamberlain on
  • UseskaforevilUseskaforevil Registered User
    edited December 2009
    Time to stop lurking. I've got two, one disturbing and one embarrassing. To assist in the picture in your head, I’m a dude, 20 in the first story, 25 in the second.

    The disturbing one is I got dumped right at the end of the school year at college, and nobody I really knew came back for the summer anymore, so I spent the summer pretty much alone. I worked, but couldn’t get many hours. With that much free time I started to feel depressed so I had to do something ,so I spent most of my time in the part of the state park we have right in my town, just walking around the trails and picking up garbage, trying to be useful and get out of the funk I was in. One day an older guy is on one of the trails I’m walking, he looked back then slowed his pace. When I was just about 10 feet away he turned around kind of nervously, rubbing his hands together saying something like “nice weather right?” I agreed. He says “ it’s been this way for awhile too, I’ve been coming here pretty often” so I said “ yea, but it’s almost nicer when it rains because the falls swell up, their looking a bit dry now” “uh huh-“ he replied “say you ever see anything weird down here? Like anything pretty strange?” “Uh no, I mean like maybe a bunch of snapping turtles once? “ “No.”, he replied “I mean like something really weird” I stared blankly not knowing what he meant” Like this one time, I was down here, and I came around right over that bend,” rubbing his hands together his voice wavering just a hair ” and over there was one guy sucking another guys cock right there, right in the middle of the path? Isn’t that weird, what would you do if you came across one guy sucking another guys cock? Actually I guess it’s not that weird is it? I mean it’s just kind of different right? I’ll bet you come down here a lot, you ever see something like that? Probably right?” Mesmerized I held my ground, “uh no, nothing like that there’s actually usually kids on this path” “Oh well maybe it wasn’t this path, but it was pretty surprising, just a guy right there sucking on another dudes cock, huh, what do you think about that? I was more surprised than anything, I wasn’t sure what to do, what would you do? “I walked slowly away saying “that sort of stuff doesn’t really happen here.“ so he replied somewhat desperately, “but it did.” I did not go back to the park for awhile.

    Story 2

    I’m a pre med student and one of the things we do for another small reason as to why we should get into medical school is shadow doctors. It looks good on paper and occasionally you get a story for when interviews come up. Well I had an interview at Wright state coming up and I figured I should shadow a doctor just so I had something fresh in my mind, however the regular doctor I had been shadowing wouldn’t be able to have me in for a few days. No problem, my mom is a doctor and she hooks me up with a guy doing emergency medicine at her building (it’s kind of small building so everybody knows everybody.) So I go in, dressed as spiffy as I get, and meet the doctor. He’s a bit surprised because it was a busy day but figured why not and let me tag along for the day. First patient was fine, nothing exciting, and same with the second. But with the third, for whatever reason I started feeling a bit “off”. I’m watching him talk to this woman about a problem she’s having, feeling a little light headed and hot, but not saying anything because its poor form. My next thought was something like, “I wish I wasn’t here today” and I reached for the door.

    I then wake up on my back with that “video game grenade went off right next to my head” sound while everything starts coming back. The doctor is inches away from my face and talking to me, but I have no idea what’s going on. Apparently I passed out, no idea why, it’s never happened before, I spun as I went down, hitting my face on the counter, and then the back of my head on the floor. The doctor spends the next 5 minutes with me while all the nurses rush around. The doctor goes on for bit telling me not to be embarrassed, (as he’s half laughing himself, I do not blame him) and explaining why it happens, blah blah and that it’s not a big deal, some people just aren’t good with medical problems and that maybe it was just too much for me . (Which was especially embarrassing because I’ve worked in a pathology lab for awhile, and got used to the stream of organs and bone fragment samples coming through, one lady with a sore knee did not make me pass out.) Meanwhile, the nurses brought me: an ice pack, some apple juice, and a pack of graham crackers. But by far the best part was the nurse saying exactly “Do you want me to get your mommy?” I did, so for the next hour or so I sat in her office with my juice and my box of graham crackers. I did not return to finish shadowing.

    tl/dr
    you're lazy. Just read it

    Useskaforevil on
  • ImperfectImperfect Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Useskaforevil, thank you for the tl;dr there.

    And for the record? Fuck tl;dr. If you ARE tl, then you don't get to r. I'm not gonna sum shit up for you.

    Also, the tl;dr sections aren't as funny as the full text anyway.

    In summary, quit doin' that shit, y'all. You're doing yourselves a disservice.

    Imperfect on
  • DevoutlyApatheticDevoutlyApathetic Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I've always thought that the tl stood for Too Long, not Too Lazy.

    Hmm.....wiki and urban dictionary all agree with me.

    DevoutlyApathetic on
  • TalkaTalka Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Yeah I mean sometimes stories are like eight paragraphs long and I wouldn't read them unless the tl;dr suggests it could be interesting.

    Also, sometimes the tl;dr summaries are the best part.

    Talka on
  • SinWithSebastianSinWithSebastian Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I've always thought that the tl stood for Too Long, not Too Lazy.

    Hmm.....wiki and urban dictionary all agree with me.
    Dull edge of the knife there, sparky

    SinWithSebastian on
  • DevoutlyApatheticDevoutlyApathetic Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I've always thought that the tl stood for Too Long, not Too Lazy.

    Hmm.....wiki and urban dictionary all agree with me.
    Dull edge of the knife there, sparky

    ....you understand that I'm replying to the post directly above mine, right? Cause your comments either missed that or are completely going over my head.

    Either way, one of us is in the right thread.........

    DevoutlyApathetic on
  • THEPAIN73THEPAIN73 Shiny. Real shiny.Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Talka wrote: »
    I'm pretty embarrassed right now, actually

    That is a fantastic story. I have a story but would need to get the OK from current girlfriend who posts here to tell it..

    I do have this story though.
    About 5 years ago, I got this horrible sunburn. Like I almost died. I was blistering and throwing up and shit. (I tell you this for later.) Anyway, I had a speeding ticket I had to pay that my Mom didn't know about. And I had to make it to the courthouse THAT DAY or else. Well what I did was I concocted a devious plan. Using what I knew about my Mom and her habits in the morning. Via computer I found the hours of the courthouse and put my plan into action. I had to get to my car and these were the rules.
    • Blinds were shut
    • She had her coffee
    • Music was playing
    • Her shows were on

    First I had to confirm all of these. So I went outside my bedroom and checked via "I can't sleep/sunburn medicine". After I returned, I snuck out my window and crept my way to my car. Each step with clothing on was like a cat-o-nine tails. I was in heavy pain. What was worse is my car was next to the house so I had to push it in neutral to the end of the driveway. I have never felt pain like that before. Ever.

    I eventually made it and got it paid but when I got back I knew she knew I had gone missing. She just never admitted to it and neither did I.

    TL;DR: Horrible sunburn car pushing adventure espionage style to pay secret speeding ticket and got "caught".

    THEPAIN73 on
    Facebook | Amazon | Twitter | Youtube | PSN: ThePain73 | Steam: ThePain73
    3DS FC: 5343-7720-0490
  • SinWithSebastianSinWithSebastian Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    ....you understand that I'm replying to the post directly above mine, right? Cause your comments either missed that or are completely going over my head.

    Either way, one of us is in the right thread.........
    Yeah okay I was giving the other guy too much lee-way in his handling of the acronym and ended up being too caustic towards you in the process

    How strange and embarrassing!

    SinWithSebastian on
  • CristoCristo Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    My mother, father, grandmother and I are sat around the dinner table for breakfast.

    Dad: "Hey Jay, so we still need to get your mum a chirstmas present"
    Jay (Cristo): (still thinking I'm at Uni with friends just responds without thinking) "Just get her a dildo"
    Mum: "*rollseyes*
    Dad: "Heeeeeyyyy yeah, a nice big ol' black one right? I get the dildo, you get the lube
    Mum: GUYS! BREAKFAST TABLE FFS


    I don't know, but we have a laid back atmosphere in my family haha

    Cristo on
    Unlucky wrote: »
    So, after having read all of his stuff, Pony's officially my hero now. I wish I could be that callous towards humanity.
  • DaMoonRulzDaMoonRulz Mare ImbriumRegistered User regular
    edited December 2009
    When I'm sleeping I tend to twitch. The twitching can be pretty hard especially when I'm still somewhat lucid and having a dream that I want to react to.

    A few months ago I was in this state and in my dream my alarm clock went off. As my wife tells it, she was lying in bed watching tv while I'm sleeping and suddenly my hand shoots out towards the alarm clock, which happens to be just on the other side of her head.

    DaMoonRulz on
    3basnids3lf9.jpg




  • ImperfectImperfect Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited December 2009
    DaMoonRulz wrote: »
    When I'm sleeping I tend to twitch. The twitching can be pretty hard especially when I'm still somewhat lucid and having a dream that I want to react to.

    A few months ago I was in this state and in my dream my alarm clock went off. As my wife tells it, she was lying in bed watching tv while I'm sleeping and suddenly my hand shoots out towards the alarm clock, which happens to be just on the other side of her head.

    Hahah, I know that situation. I got punched by my girlfriend one night in my sleep. I shot up, bolt-upright, screaming "What the fuck?" and she yells back "Fuck you!" And then her eyelids flutter and she looks at me all pissed off and rubbing my jaw and is all, "Honey, what's wrong?"

    She felt sooo bad about it.

    Imperfect on
  • emp123emp123 Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Imperfect wrote: »
    DaMoonRulz wrote: »
    When I'm sleeping I tend to twitch. The twitching can be pretty hard especially when I'm still somewhat lucid and having a dream that I want to react to.

    A few months ago I was in this state and in my dream my alarm clock went off. As my wife tells it, she was lying in bed watching tv while I'm sleeping and suddenly my hand shoots out towards the alarm clock, which happens to be just on the other side of her head.

    Hahah, I know that situation. I got punched by my girlfriend one night in my sleep. I shot up, bolt-upright, screaming "What the fuck?" and she yells back "Fuck you!" And then her eyelids flutter and she looks at me all pissed off and rubbing my jaw and is all, "Honey, what's wrong?"

    She felt sooo bad about it.

    My friend punched his girlfriend in the stomach when they were taking a nap. Apparently he was dreaming about a run in with his scientologist roommate from the dorms. He went by The Abuser for a while.

    emp123 on
    camo_sig2.png
  • ImprovoloneImprovolone Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I've said this before in this or another thread, but it fits in the trend so...
    When my ex was pregnant I punched her in the face while I was sleeping
    or so she claims, shes a lying cunt

    Improvolone on
    Voice actor for hire. My time is free if your project is!
  • Rhesus PositiveRhesus Positive GNU Terry Pratchett Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I was told to fuck off by my girlfriend last week while she was sleeping.

    I say sleeping, it was more a drink-induced stupor, and I was quite worried because I only know of one other time she's ever shown an adverse reaction to copious amounts of alcohol. I had to be told about this after the fact despite the fact that I was present, as I had long passed into the fugue state by then.

    Rhesus Positive on
  • emp123emp123 Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I was told to fuck off by my girlfriend last week while she was sleeping.

    I say sleeping, it was more a drink-induced stupor, and I was quite worried because I only know of one other time she's ever shown an adverse reaction to copious amounts of alcohol. I had to be told about this after the fact despite the fact that I was present, as I had long passed into the fugue state by then.

    I think you told the wrong story.

    emp123 on
    camo_sig2.png
  • ParagonParagon Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I just remembered quite the embarrassing story that happened when I was around 14 or so I believe.

    When I was 11 I had a neighbor girl that would come over and play with my younger siblings fairly often. I used to tease her quite a bit and we had one of those weird relationships where you kinda hate the person but kinda like them at the same time.

    She eventually moved to her real parents because her grandparents were my actual neighbors. Three or so years later she is visiting her grandparents and in the process decides to stop by my house. Now, the girl in question was pretty good looking, and she had brought her female friend that I had somewhat of a crush on; she was gorgeous.

    They ring the doorbell, my mom lets them in and they come down into the basement where I had a living room set up for my gaming habits. They sit down, we converse clumsily for a bit and suddenly an awkward silence sets in and we just kind of watch TV for a while. I'm brainstorming like crazy during this, and somehow my puberty-infested mind has an idea. I look at the table in front of us and I spot a pair of scissors and two pens.

    It is imperative that you know a little bit of Norwegian for the next bit: In Norwegian, a triangle is the exact same word as threesome.

    I lay out everything in a triangle and then I sit back nonchalantly;

    Me: "Hmm...what's this?"
    Gorgeous girl: "Threesome?"
    Me: "Yes please!" 8-)
    Girls: :...:

    Remember the old cartoons where the fog was so thick they had to cut it with a knife? That's how thick the awkward silence was after that.

    They left shortly thereafter.
    TL;DR: In my dream world I am MacGuyver and I can erect threesomes from stationery supplies.

    Paragon on
    Bagginses wrote: »
    Really, -J-'s argument against empiricism comes down to "sure, it might work in practice, but it still doesn't work in theory," which I suppose makes rationalists the philosophical version of paultards and goldbugs.
  • JJJJ DailyStormer Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    so awkward

    JJ on
    Christ, what an asshole
  • KronusKronus Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Paragon, that is the best punchline :D

    Kronus on
  • Witch_Hunter_84Witch_Hunter_84 Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Well, I took my grandmother to the Ballet tonight (my sister dances for ABT), and as we sat down she asked me what time it was. I get my cell phone to check the time and she comments (rather loudly in a packed theater) that she would, "know what time it was if someone hadn't kiked her watch at the rest home".

    It gets really quiet in the area around us and I try not to laugh at the cliche of "racist grandparent" letting loose in a crowded theater. Oh my god that was embarrassing.

    Witch_Hunter_84 on
    If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten in your presence.
  • FalxFalx Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    So I guess it's a strange moment... but I don't know how else to describe the feeling of realizing (after he'd already left) that the documents you just faxed for some random Joe Public guy had something to do with a training exercise with the Air Force and had "Restricted" written all over it.

    Man what. Any other country I'd already have latex-covered fingers plundering my rectum.

    Falx on
  • emp123emp123 Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Little info that may or may not be helpful when reading the story: When I was in college I lived in an apartment with three of my friends and several of my other friends lived in the same complex. On thursday, friday, or saturday nights we would watch movies and get drunk. One of my roommates would go home for the weekend as he was in a couple of basketball leagues and a bunch of the games were near his house.

    So one night my roommates and I decided drink and watch movies and just generally hang out. My friend had recently tried mixing gin with Mountain Dew and found it delicious so he decided that would be the drink for the night. Being a gin lover I decided to also drink the gin and dew (its delicious with normal Mountain Dew and tastes like cotton candy when you use the blue Mountain Dew).

    We dont really measure how much alcohol we're pouring, just throw some ice in the glass and add gin till the ice is floating. We have a handle of Tanqueray and two liters of Mountain Dew. and after an hour of drinking we've made a hefty dent in the handle and finished most of the first liter of Mountain Dew. We dont really notice how much we're drinking initially because you cant taste the alcohol (but you still get the flavor of the gin, its awesome when made correctly) and after a while its just because we're to drunk to know how much we're pouring.

    After the first movie ended (it was something shitty, we had a list of terrible movies we wanted to get through, we may have watched Step it Up 2: Step it Up to the Streets) we decided to watch another (I honestly have no idea what we watched). After a little while, my friend and I are still drinking the gin and dew while my other roommate just watches as we get more belligerent. At around 2:30am my roommate, who was home for the weekend, came back and brought his new girlfriend and a couple of his friends from back home, all of whom my roommates had met previously, but this was my first time actually meeting them beyond saying hello in passing. Realizing how drunk we were, my roommate and his friends decided to go to his girlfriend's apartment which was a couple floors above ours.

    Its also probably important to note that somewhere between the first and second movies my friend and I had decided that in order to make girls feel more comfortable taking off their clothes when they entered our apartment we thought it would be genus if we made a house rule that nobody could wear pants. So my friend and I had stopped wearing pants (we had our boxers on, but no pants). This probably factored into their decision to head to my roommates girlfriend's apartment.

    After they leave my friend and I decide it would be a great idea to go for a walk around the complex because being stuck inside sucks. Realizing its cold I decide to throw on some gym shorts because those would provide me with maximum warmth. Before leaving, just incase we got thirsty, my friend and I made one final drink. He went first and didnt leave me enough Mountain Dew. I did not notice this. So I poured myself half a glass of gin (we used beer glasses for mixed drinks so I guess 8oz?) and poured the remaining Mountain Dew into the glass. It maybe added a 2 or 3oz to the glass. Even in my extremely intoxicated state all I could taste was the gin and it was terrible, but Id be damned if I was going to waste the gin so we began our trek.

    Walking around the complex we noticed a car following us. We started to freak out because we lived in a kinda ghetto area so we attempted to lose the vehicle by walking through some of the buildings, as opposed to walking on the path which followed the parking lot. Apparently we weren't very elusive because they were already on the other side of the building when we got there. It turns out they were just the security people the complex has drive around and make sure nobody is stealing our cars.

    Not wanting to push our luck we headed back to our apartment and as we neared the door we ran into my fourth roommate coming back from his girlfriends place to pick up a futon for his friend to sleep on. He tells us his girlfriend made almond Jell-O and that we were welcome to have some. As my other friends and roommates had decided it was too late and went to bed we decided almond Jell-O would be excellent. It wasnt.

    Now, keep in mind this is the first time I was meeting my friends girlfriend, and her roommate, and their friend. We get up to her apartment and start to eat some Jell-O. I decide to sit down because god damn, the alcohol is starting to hit me hard. Still intent on finishing my bowl of deliciousness I ignored what should have been obvious warning signs that I was about to expel copious amounts of liquid all over my roommate's girlfriend's apartment.

    Vomit began spewing out of my mouth which woke up the girlfriend's roommate and the friend that were sleeping on the sofa adjacent to the couch I was sitting on. Something about this struck me as absolutely hilarious so I started laughing uncontrollably as I attempted to make my way to the sink to clean up the mess I had just made. I somehow make it to the sink and just in time. I put the bowl in the sink and immediately started spewing all over their dirty dishes. Trying to be the courteous guest I modified my aim so that my vomit would land in the other half of the sink. No good, dishes in there too. Oh well, back to the other side.

    At this point Im done vomiting but there is vomit all over their sink (luckily when I was throwing up on the couch, it all made it into the bowl of almond Jell-O). Now, I havent stopped laughing and my eyes have gone all watery, but I figured I would make up for my faux pas by washing all of their dirty dishes. I accomplished this task, but Im fairly certain I just made a larger mess in their kitchen, but I couldnt tell.

    I felt terrible. Worst first impression ever. My drinking buddy wasnt helping, he just kept going on about how I just met her and I destroy her apartment and how I couldnt handle my alcohol, blah blah blah. He couldnt believe I vomited, he felt fine, blah blah blah. Sucker. The next morning he decided to tan by the pool. Hes out there for fifteen or so minutes and some really hot girls lay down to tan as well. And then he started vomiting. All over the planters. My roommate's girlfriend just wanted to know if I felt better, and told me that she was really glad that I cleaned up the mess I made in the sink and that I didnt make a mess any place else. It didnt stop me from apologizing profusely and offering my services for whatever she may need.

    TL;DR
    I get really drunk and made the worst first impression of my life

    Edit: Woah, that is way longer than I expected.

    emp123 on
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  • Sir CarcassSir Carcass I have been shown the end of my world Round Rock, TXRegistered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Speaking of dreamspeak, I had a strange one about 10 years ago. My wife and I were laying down in our bed. I had started to fall asleep, and was having a small dream. I just remember her in the dream, talking about cats, saying something like, "But they have claws!" and me replying (in the dream as well as in reality), "That's okay, we have tires." I woke up right as I finished saying that and remember my wife saying, ".....what?" That was a bit awkward to explain, especially since we have 2 cats.

    Sir Carcass on
  • CyvrosCyvros London 1965Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Paragon wrote: »
    I just remembered quite the embarrassing story that happened when I was around 14 or so I believe.
    Smooooth. It's worth noting that your title/location enhanced your story somewhat. :D

    Cyvros on
    Cy turned out to be much better in person.
  • 1/2 man 1/2 bear 1/2 pig1/2 man 1/2 bear 1/2 pig Registered User
    edited December 2009
    I was 13 and just surfing online not doing anything particularly memorable. My older brother for some reason was going through a phase where he used a lot of moisturizer I guess because of dry elbows or some such shit. He walks in says hey and puts his bottle of lotion down on the computer desk and walks out.

    Now for some reason I thought it would be so cool if I had just held my can of coke really high above my head and let the stream of coke fall down into my mouth. I do this with disasterous results, coke gets all over my jeans so I go and get a towel.

    I clean up the desk and take my jeans off cause they were soaked in coke. I fold them over the computer chair, and get back online doin my thing. My mom walks in and asks "Jon.....what are you doing?" Thats when I realize that I'm 13, surfing the web with no pants on, with a towel in my hand, and a bottle of lotion on the table.

    1/2 man 1/2 bear 1/2 pig on
  • Dr. FaceDr. Face King of Pants Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    My wife talks in her sleep sometimes and it freaks the shit out of me. It happens quite often,here are a few that I remember quite vividly. These almost always happen when I come to bed as I stay up much later then her.

    I come to bed and say goodnight. She moves slightly and says, "Turn the TV off". I say, "Its not on babe, go to sleep." To which she replies, "No, I can hear people talking. There are people talking. Go turn the TV off." This is when I realize she's talking to me in her sleep and tell her its ok I just turned it off and try not to think about the voices she's hearing at night.

    I come to bed after being out at the bar very late with friends from work and say goodnight. She starts asking about what we did in a totally normal way making me think she is awake. Then this conversation happens,

    Wife: "Did you see the black fox?"
    Dr.: "What?"
    Wife: "The black fox is watching."
    Dr.: "Um,"
    Wife: "I love you."

    Once again, coming home from out with friends and she's asleep because its late. I say goodnight and she says, "Who's that?" and sounds kinda scared. Sometimes when I walk in at night she wakes up and is startled seeing my silhouette walking toward the bed in the dark. "Its just me babe, go back to sleep." There's a bit of silence as I get into bed and then she whispers, "No, who is with you?". I damn near jump out of bed and fumble the light on which wakes her up in a very confused state asking why I turned the lights on when I knew she had to get up early in the morning.

    I've learned now that I don't say a word when I come to bed and if she starts talking I try not to listen.

    Dr. Face on
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  • ParagonParagon Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Cyvros wrote: »
    Paragon wrote: »
    I just remembered quite the embarrassing story that happened when I was around 14 or so I believe.
    Smooooth. It's worth noting that your title/location enhanced your story somewhat. :D

    My title and location are both fairly accurate in describing the sometimes very silly persona that is me.

    Ninja edit:
    Actually, while writing up this post I remembered a follow-up on the very same girl in my first story:

    About a year later she visited again and had her sister with her, she had apparently grown a bit more violent than last time and she felt the need to hit me every now and then as she remembered more and more of all the stuff I had done to her when we were younger. :whistle:

    In any case, after said SM session she left, but texted me later that night to come outside and look at the stars. I was never the particularly romantic fellow in the first place, and at this point in my life I hadn't quite mastered the shall we say. . . nuances, that are required for seduction.

    I go outside and sit down next to her, apparently startling her a little bit in the process because I am a ninja. She starts talking about the universe, and I start talking about what I had for lunch (hey it was good, had bacon), and aside from a few setbacks we managed a conversation that could if put into just the right perspective, pass as something more than prattle.

    It was at this point that I — as an aspiring Don Juan — attempted to steer the conversation in a more lecherous direction by reminiscing about the good old days.
    When I was around 10, it was a very hot day and she had decided much to my enjoyment to forgo pants, a valiant gesture indeed. She had two t-shirts on and she would regularly grab them with both her hands and pull them ever so slightly up, acutely aware I was watching through the window in a fashion that would embarrass Tex Avery's howling wolf.

    In the midst of ejaculating this wonderful artifact of our youth, the playful hitting that was teasingly there moments ago was replaced by a mortified girl that would have none of it. Apparently this wasn't a memory she was proud of and the mere mention of it was an insult up there with wiping your ass with her mom's stamp collection.

    Needless to say the 'date' ended fairly abruptly after this, with her adamantly denying that the event had ever happened and declaring with stunning lack of anatomical knowledge what I should do with myself.

    TL;DR:
    A dominatrix philosophizing under the stars is offended by her past, and I make a mean bacon sandwich.

    Paragon on
    Bagginses wrote: »
    Really, -J-'s argument against empiricism comes down to "sure, it might work in practice, but it still doesn't work in theory," which I suppose makes rationalists the philosophical version of paultards and goldbugs.
  • cloudeaglecloudeagle Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    HazelBite wrote: »
    So, I've been wearing 12Cs for about four years. I thought to myself the other day, "These are kinda old and crappy and also I've had constant bruising on my sides for six months, maybe it's time to buy new bras..." So I went to the Mid Valley lingerie shop (SO MUCH PINK), and awkwardly explained that I did not in fact know what size I was. So this lovely tiny lady helps me try on a couple. And guess what? 10DD-10E! Wow, right? That totally explains the bruises. Mum's response was "OOHH, Mummy's big girl!" And now I feel faintly self-conscious about my figure, even I know that I haven't actually changed in the last few months, just been quantified.

    Also I told this story to one of my best friends and she gave me a high five.

    Just read this, and reminds me of an experience my wife had that was all sorts of embarrassing.

    In the months after I first moved in with her, I noticed she complained about her bras a lot. Hated wearing them, gave her all kinds of redness and chafing, etc. This goes on for some time until I remember the statistic that 80 percent of women are wearing the wrong bra size. Maybe I can help! After all, I am devoted to her comfort and well being and am only slightly motivated by the side benefit of having her boobs look awesome. So I ask:

    "Hey... when was the last time you had your bra size measured?"
    ".... I never have."

    Keep in mind that she's in her 30s, and is a smart woman to boot. Yet she still wore the same 36B her entire life because, well, she just thought that's what most women wore.

    So after a little bit of gentle persuasion, I convince her to go to a bra store called the Bust Stop and get measured. Surely, since this is a place absolutely devoted to the subject, they would make the process as pleasant and comfortable as possible, right?

    We walk in and quickly realize the store's decor can only be described as "your grandmother." The waiting area is filled with uncomfortable, straight-backed wood furniture, doilies and little cutsey figurines that made Precious Moments look edgy. They even had the little dish full of sticky hard candies that no one under the age of 60 ever touches. We're weirded out, but we have no time to change our minds since one of the workers had already sidled up to her and was non-subtly checking out her chesticles. I had to stay behind in the mini rest home while she was off to get half-naked and fondled by a complete stranger.

    On her way there, she learned that the grandmotherly decor is in fact a warning. All of the hundreds of bras hanging everywhere are classic granny bras -- all unflattering beige, straps as wide as tires, more clasps than a straitjacket and just plain ugly as sin. Every single one. And these were the common sizes! I can only imagine what the bigger ones they carry looked like.

    At any rate, she got measured. My suspicions were correct, she wasn't a 36B.
    She's a 36DDD.

    The crowning touch came after she and the worker had come back to the front, and the worker said loud enough for the whole store to hear:

    "They're supposed to be bras, not nipple covers!"

    My poor wife was traumatized for about a week, but she's come to appreciate her, ah, new identity.

    cloudeagle on
    Switch: 3947-4890-9293
  • ImperfectImperfect Toronto, Ontario, CanadaRegistered User regular
    edited December 2009
    Fuck, I could go for a bacon sandwich right now.

    Imperfect on
  • <3Science<3Science Registered User
    edited December 2009
    When I was about 2-3 I went to the Doctor with my mother. It was my Mum who was going to see the doctor, not me, I just had to come along for the ride. So whilst we were waiting in the waiting room (full of people according to my Mum, bearing in mind that this was in a small town in Canada full of fairly conservative people), I obviously start getting fidgety and impatient, and the following conversation between me and my Mum ensues (roughly):

    Me: What are we doing here?
    Mum: Waiting to see the doctor
    Me: Why?
    Mum: Because Mummy needs to see the doctor?
    Me: Why? Whats wrong with you?
    Mum: ......
    Me: Is it your eyes?
    Mum: No
    Me: Is it your mouth?
    Mum: No
    Me: Is it your arms?
    Mum: No
    Me: Is it your tummy?
    Mum: No
    Me: Is it your scrotum?
    Mum: ...................................................

    Needless to say, many awkward glances were exchanged. In some ways this is both a strange AND embarrassing story. Strange in the sense that I would know the word scrotum from such a young age. And embarrassing for my mother being asked if about her scrotum.

    <3Science on
  • InvisibleInvisible Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    I was 13 and just surfing online not doing anything particularly memorable. My brother who is two years older than me for some reason was going through a phase where he used a lot of moisturizer I guess because of dry elbows or some such shit. He walks in says hey and puts his bottle of lotion down on the computer desk and walks out.

    Now for some reason I thought it would be so cool if I had just held my can of coke really high above my head and let the stream of coke fall down into my mouth. I do this with disasterous results, coke gets all over my jeans so I go and get a towel.

    I clean up the desk and take my jeans off cause they were soaked in coke. I fold them over the computer chair, and get back online doin my thing. My mom walks in and asks "Jon.....what are you doing?" Thats when I realize that I'm 13, surfing the web with no pants on, with a towel in my hand, and a bottle of lotion on the table.

    That's funny. When I was 12 or 13, my dad actually caught me looking at porn one night. Fortunately I wasn't masturbating and it was just some text stories, but it was incredibly embarrassing.

    Invisible on
  • KamarKamar Registered User regular
    edited December 2009
    First time I got busted for porn was around 12 or 13 too. The embarrassment potential was compounded by the fact that it was bestiality, but I was playing it off fine using my "act cheeky and unembarrassed" tactic, right up until it came out that I'd shown it to some of my step-siblings, and oh-shit panic destroyed my facade of calm, leaving me open to savage (but mostly good-natured) mockery by my father.

    Kamar on
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