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Cutting off the parents with the least amount of drama
Kakodaimonos
Code fondlerHelping the 1% get richerRegistered User regular
Code fondlerHelping the 1% get richerRegistered User regular
There's quite a bit of bad history between myself and my parents and it's pretty much come to head at this point. After thinking about it for a while, I know it's time to move on in my life without them.
I've tried telling them that we're through and I don't want to talk to them, but they keep calling and calling and calling and calling. Or they'll just randomly drive the 500 miles to show up to "surprise me". More like piss me off and make me furious. My father really won't care, he'll just continue drinking himself to death, but my mother is one who wants to stay in constant contact and wants to keep in touch.
I've thought about getting a restraining order, but that's pretty much the nuclear option. But it's getting more and more tempting.
Has anyone ever been able to tell their parents that they don't want anything more than just occasional contact? And how do you do it without causing a whole lot of drama?
I've tried telling them that we're through and I don't want to talk to them, but they keep calling and calling and calling and calling. Or they'll just randomly drive the 500 miles to show up to "surprise me". More like piss me off and make me furious. My father really won't care, he'll just continue drinking himself to death, but my mother is one who wants to stay in constant contact and wants to keep in touch.
I've thought about getting a restraining order, but that's pretty much the nuclear option. But it's getting more and more tempting.
Has anyone ever been able to tell their parents that they don't want anything more than just occasional contact? And how do you do it without causing a whole lot of drama?
Kakodaimonos on
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Your parents are full of drama (so you claim) and you want to cut them off without causing any? Not going to happen short of changing your phone number and moving without leaving a forwarding address. Even then, it's still relatively easy in this day and age to track people down.
You could also move.
They'll still go crazy, of course, but since they won't be able to reach you, you won't suffer for it.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
If your going to cut them off, then seriously, cut them off.
If they show up at your place, do not let them in. Close the door in their faces. No speeches, no "its come down to this" moments, no interventions - Just say "Leave immeadiately", and close the door.
I haven't spoken to my folks for more than 5 minutes in the last 6 years. They still don't know that I've gotten married. I've been able to do that because I've cut them out of my life.
Problem is - a lot of people dont want to cut their families out of their lives - they want to cut the bad part of their families out of their life - which never works. You gotta either accept how screwed up they are, or move on.
Good luck with the move.
Yeah, it's pretty much all or nothing.
I agree. It's a serious step, but if you REALLY want to do it, half-assing it isn't going to work, especially if they're willing to drive 500 miles.
If I may ask, what makes you feel that this step is necessary, and how old are you? If they gave your sister a Wii and not you I would possibly reconsider how you handle this. You probably have very good reason to feel this way if your family is toxic to be around, but this course of action should probably be a last resort.
Also I think in most places you can't get a restraining order unless someone is threatening you, but I'm not real clear on that.
https://medium.com/@alascii
I finally was in a place to be able to ask my parents if they knew what was going on and why they didn't do anything about it. They actually did know and didn't want to do anything about because they "...it would have been too hard to have to deal with it every day." And they didn't know if their relationship would've lasted if they got in the middle of all of this. Then they helpfully followed up with "All this happened over 10 years ago, you should just be over it by now."
I'm not sure if I really should've asked them about this. It's easier to just suspect that your parents didn't care enough to help you than to actually know that they don't care.
I can't even talk to them know without alternating between feeling absolutely furious and completely disgusted.
...Is this it?
GM: Rusty Chains (DH Ongoing)
Well, the "unpleasantness" is a bit nonspecific.
....and?
..Wow. This is incredibly melodramatic. Seriously?
Ironically enough, the people who say they want to avoid drama are often the ones who attract the most drama to themselves.
You know there are parents that touch and rape their children right? A bit extreme probably, but my point still stands that you are lucky as shit that they go through the effort to show love. Try showing some back, then negotiate out the craziness.
That said, if your decision to cut them off has come as an immediate response to an argument with your parents, you might want to take some time to cool down and assess your feelings. That's not to say that cutting them off isn't a reasonable response. I just mean that you can't be sure that it's really what you want until you've had a chance to process everything. Yes, you had terrible parents, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you won't ever want to speak to them again, especially if the situation has changed dramatically since you were a child.
Maybe what you really want is to punish them or for them to apologize to you.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
If the OP wants to cut them off, I think they deserve it.
Then again, cutting off your own family is a pretty horrible thing too. Real reconciliation is probably the better, healthier choice that will make you feel better. But like I said, it's your choice and you should make a commitment one way or the other.
And it wasn't just uncomfortable crazy moments with my sister. She can get very violent towards whatever she thinks is a threat. She'd try to strangle me, stab me, burn me and a whole bunch of other things you really don't want to know about.
Maybe my parents shouldn't have been responsible for stopping this. But right now, I'm not really at a place where I want to constantly be in contact with them until I've had time to work this out.
Yes, I think the most important question in this matter is whether or not the OP's anger at his parents might lead him to not only hurt them, but himself as well. While it's morally justifiable to cut them off, it still remains that you may benefit from continuing to have them in your life, even after what they did and their inability to own up to that mistake. If you deny yourself that beneficial contact just to prove a point to them, and not because you really are better off without them, then you're doing yourself a disservice.
In any case, it's clear that this whole mess comes from unresolved anger stemming from this event in the past. What you need to do is resolve these feelings, possibly through therapy and definitely through having the most frank conversation with your parents that you can have in which you lay out everything you feel and exactly what your expectations from them are. If after all of that you decide that your life is better without them, then nobody can say you're making the wrong decision by cutting off all ties. 'til then, however, your thoughts and actions are affected by your lingering resentment, and so you might not be thinking clearly or considering all of the ramifications of your actions.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Disagree.
Some people, whether they are parents or not, are not worth reconciling with. They're humans like everyone else, and some of them are just ... terrible.
Making a commitment to cut someone off is an odd thing - it doesn't ever work out that way. In 2 or 3 years, regardless of the situation, his mom is going to pop back up through Facebook or something and try to convince him that she's changed or whatever.
OP - all you can do is block the number (or get caller ID and just don't answer) and if they somehow do get through, through another number perhaps, say "I can't talk right now" and hang up.
My mom gave up. She still "pokes" me through Facebook - but she won't send a message. I haven't seen her in 10 years now and I told her (after she had first messaged me) that I had no desire to see her because she had hurt me too much in the past. She told me "we both had problems back then, ive changed!" basically. The "we both had problems" bit proved right then and there that she had not. (I was under 13, to the time she is referencing.)
She also called me at one point, at work of all things, and pretending again that she had changed - then tried to scam me.
So - cut them off as much as you can, be civil if they break through, but do not let them connect. If they ask why, say you need to figure things out yourself and would prefer to be left to your own ways.
I feel frustrated for you, man. Good luck.
If you need time to work things out by yourself, then they owe it to you to leave you alone. You're less likely to get this time alone by just cutting them off, though, since they're bound to try to contact you immediately after and for days, weeks, and months to come. That's a natural response for any parent.
As such, you should probably tell them that you need time to yourself. Give them a timeframe so they know it isn't going to be forever, thus preventing a freak out, and tell them that infringing on that time will only hurt your relationship further by demonstrating further disregard for your wishes.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
Well, this is good enough for me (as if it needed to be). If they'd intervened they might not have done the RIGHT thing, but it would have been SOMETHING, and while I think you should probably do the therapy thing and find a way to come to peace with it in the long term, I think it's pretty acceptable in the mean time to cut them off until you feel comfortable doing that. Send them a final note, say it will be the last time they hear from you and why, and block their access to you wherever possible. Or skip the note. But I don't think you'll be able to get a restraining order.
For about the first year she would try to come over to our house, she would call constantly and generally make a nuisance of herself but I preserved. I would return Christmas and birthday gifts unoppened or would give them away to other people or charity. Eventually she sort of got the message and finally started leaving me alone.
Before I got married my wife went to lunch with her to meet her. I told her I didn't want any details or anything and my wife completely understood my feelings and that was the last contact we had with her about five years ago.
Now keep in mind that this lady was completely unfit to be a parent and when it comes right down to it is a terrible person. My life is actually better without her in it. What I did was severe and I really don't recommend it to anyone, but if you're going to decide to cut off contact with them my advice is to be steadfast about it. Refuse to answer their phone calls or emails, if they come over, don't answer the door, it is literally an all or nothing process.
Good luck.
If you see it that making a clean break is for the best, for your self-preservation and peace of mind, just be prepared to make a drastic change. As everyone said before me if you do make that break definitely go 100% - move, change all contact info, name change, etc...
I will also say though that definitely really go over your feelings about it as objectively as possible. Don't try to focus on just the bad. If you can't maybe discuss it with friend who can help you do so.
Now, this isn't the friendliest way to do it or the most courageous, but it is the most effective for getting rid of people you just need out at any cost.
Tell her in no uncertain terms that the passing of time itself is not enough to repair all the damage and hurt and bad things from the past. You need to go on your own way and you intend to do so. You will not answer her calls to your phone or to your home. Wish her well (if you want) and leave it at that.
I don't agree that you should just drop off the face of the earth, but I understand that you need and want to leave them behind. Some day you may change your mind and may want to be in contact with them again...I don't think you should burn the bridge, but rather (firmly) close the door....and for the time being, deadbolt it.
Then I got a long e-mail the next day, pointing out that she really didn't want any of us in the first place and that we ruined her art career. And that we were too needy even when we were younger. She also said that she really didn't care what had happened and that whatever it was, I probably deserved it.
Honestly, just cut them off completely.
But fire off one last reply to that long story with "Cool story, bro".
Apparently she's just going to try to pull everything out of her hate machine if you try to say you don't want to talk to each other. I've had some blowups with my parents but we never said shit like that to each other.
https://twitter.com/Hooraydiation
She's obviously just trying to hurt you by saying those things, whether it's true or not really doesn't matter, but she's trying to make you feel worse than what you made her feel. Don't let it... just use it as validation that what you're doing is absolutely right.
Block her phone number, email, any snail mail write "Return to Sender" and ship it back. If the crazytrain shows up at your door, lock the doors, and refuse to see them.
I am so sorry that she's being that way and has treated you like this. Good luck to ya.
God damn that is some hateful shit.